Day 874 – Suicide talk

If you are suffering from psychosis or thoughts of suicide: I suggest to contact your doctor or local support team. I not a doctor or a scientist – I am a man working my way through my schizophrenic mind.

Why do we allow our self to entertain thoughts of suicide? Meaning why do I allow myself to give energy, thinking, emotions and time around the idea of suicide instead of simply seeing the thought of suicide – and then just go “NAH” – and ignore it – totally.

If we feed these thoughts within us, with lots of thinking and worry – we then give our energy, time and focus to the idea – here being of suicide, then it will grow & expand. The way we are raised makes this relation into magnetism – we are somehow drawn to such thoughts. It is to be said that people with mental illness have a harder time within this than most others. That means we need to learn more tools and ways to be able to deal with such states of mind. What I am learning is to recognize my thought(s) of suicide – and to see it as a fly on a wall – a dot on the screen. And to from there simply ignore it – to NOT go into nurture it or give it time and energy. If I give it time and energy – it will grow and make my life hell. But if I am able to forgive the circumstances around the thought and then isolate the thought – and from that see the thought as a fly on the wall – and then just ignore it. If I after ignoring it go into defeat and depression anyhow – the loop will just continue to recycle itself. So after ignoring it – after ignoring the “fly” I have to support myself with a living word. If you wonder what is a living word – I can explain that for you – if you ask me.

I suggest to learn how to use self forgiveness and what is living word application. I can help you with this. I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that thoughts of suicide are dangerous and wild, and that I should not play with such thoughts and in that danger reaction – I nurture the thought of suicide, from thinking that I should not do this and I am being a rebel and seeing the rebel as a cool thing and then feeding the original thought of suicide to grow even more.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts of suicide are dangerous and it is like I am in a drama/action movie and am giving the thought of suicide more and more attention from how I feed the system and components around it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my suicide thoughts are exotic and cool.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my suicidal thoughts are shameful and that it is my parents fault that I have suicidal thoughts and I should blame them and then within that only feed the emotions and system of the thoughts of suicide and make the suicidal thoughts more pervasive within me. There is nobody to blame. It is all about self change.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for after ignoring the thought of suicide – like a fly on the wall, I would go into defeatism or depression, feeling miserable, that would only feed the loop into more suicide thinking.

I commit myself to when I notice a suicide thought within me – when I spot it – to consider it as a fly on the wall and let it be just that – to ignore it – to not entertain it with thoughts and energy – and rather focus on supporting myself other vice.

I commit myself to stop going into defeatism or depression – after I have ignored the “fly”, but rather find a living word to support myself with.

Here is a video I made on the matter:

Day 870 – patterns of schizophrenic paranoia

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of war within my mind of playing games between my personalities where the one is always after the other and that this war game and chase of myself as different personalities, is how my schizophrenia is rigged and programmed to play itself out and that is what is going on within my mind of 2-3 personalities are constantly chasing each other around and around in my mind – creating a living hell. My solution to this is to forgive the energies that keep me an addict to the personalities/polarities/believes – to release myself from the mind addiction and find myself grounded and aware in my physical body.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in distrust, fear, hate, paranoia and simply tons of emotional bothers that I would hold against my personalities one at the time – where the one lashing out in emotions at others is also a personality, and that is why it seam impossible to get out of.  Within this I realize how difficult it is to find stability within my mind – but I will keep at it – working my way through the schizophrenic labyrinth of hell.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into a state of constant war against myself – with different personalities carrying different traits all part of me – part of my responsibility to sort out because even though it is all fake in the sense of being only feelings and emotions, thoughts, opinions, believes etc – I still have to take responsibility for it as it is me who is reacting to it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for information that I stumble over that make me go into this state of absoluteness and static depression, prostrative, paranoia from taking in different information, and I feel like I can’t get out and I need to talk to someone and lift on my veil – that is my best remedy atm to air out my mind and voice myself on being stuck in my own rut of paranoia.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take on new information that might shake things up a bit that is controversial and that many would say is conspiracy, that might resonate with my own finding of reality and matter, where I often go into this absoluteness and static state and can’t get out of – but force myself to stay in, until my prostrative paranoia breaks loose and I have to seek support in order to vent out my mind. What happens is literally a disaster where paranoia takes over – until I can vent it out and find stability in the sense that we are all in it together and that we are facing consequences not only for ourself but for generations past.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to mystify the words “paranoia is the mother of thought” – where I believe that I belong in that state and awareness, I have to create and nurture in this paranoid state – failing to see that it is  a poisonous (paranoid) state of mind, and that I don’t need to think to be alive – and I see today what I do then, is that I take on the sins of the fathers – I feel guilt and believe I must think my way out of it – and literally take on lots programs from my forefathers and that this math then is the creation of my thoughts aka paranoia that I experience often from reading information and theories that shake things up – like with conspiracy theories, where I realise today, what sort of math these theories operate with is often in concern of past – history – going way back in time to past generations and literally facing the sins of the fathers today, and this resonate also with me and I therefor take it on and place the sins of my forefathers and guilt on myself and this load make me feel depressed, prostrative and paranoid and is a leading cause of my mental problems of today. Within this I find it important to note that a lot of these theories all carry truth to them – its just a matter of knowing who self is and what is self responsibility and what we must let go of as our collective past to be able to create something new.

Day 841 – it’s about time

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I fail at understanding a dimension or a system, simply because something is “new” and I don’t know or have not familiarized enough with the circumstances and had time to become comfortable enough within my understanding of an issue, and I forgive myself, my beingness, my innocence, for letting myself go bashing – judging into blame, anger, hopelessness, fear and anxiety from me not understanding me. Within this lies the concept of slowing down and taking time to see – me and to take time to understand me – to write out my mind to ease of – and understand that life will only support me as much as am willing to support myself, and at the moment there is time for me to work on myself while manifested consequences still play out in the matrix world – things are coming to terms – a rain/raising of awareness – until we realize slowly but surely that we are here – all – to empower our self through self-forgiveness and that there is no way around that for anyone – or anything. That is what all the prophets was talking about and its about no one else than self – who we are in thought, word and deed – the mind, being and body relationship.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and to complain and moan at myself and to feed the thoughts that say “Oh, now I am so old and sick”, ”I am not of any worth” or “I should just roll over and die” – kind of thinking where I fail to see the big picture where I can say that, ok I rather give up on the giving up – instead of giving up my living. I give up the dying lol – the withdrawal and the moaning – and rather focus on living, applying  and doing – making the best of my time here and I realize that the best way to do that is not through pushing and forcing – but with grace – slowing down and to go easy with myself – to give time to me.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is no time, and I should be careful with how I spend my time. I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for the feeling like time is running out, time is against me – when it is me who is running out on stress and anxiety, and it is me who is against myself it is me who is the “late so &so” and the one that is inferior to myself to life – because time is universal and invisible – time is that which I have defined as to:  tie me (down) and to belittle myself in my own thinking and my own life – because I believe “there is no time” – hello !! there is time !!  : it is me who is not present – It is me who is not giving me time – here – in understanding of me with grace, calmness, integrity and honesty.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect or hope for something better, for Jesus to come surfing on a cloud to save us all, for that big magic moment to turn everything around, but that is not realistic, instead I must find in myself the reason that I have to be, and to express, to be my best version of me, to strive to be better, to  be more of me, try out new things and be prepared for the worst.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to plan ahead because of this tiny voice inside of me that says : “Its not worth it”, “It’s never going to work”, or “ Just give up the sooner the better” – where all this resistance is showing itself, and I feel like – again – giving up – but rather take a breathe and get at it again – to realize that I have a almost unlimited possibility of creating me – it’s about me giving me directions and clarity. And its about time.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not giving myself the sufficient time for guiding, clarity and directing through writing and specificity of my living, where I take it onto myself to edit and modify my goals to fine tune what my daily goals are, my middle and my long time goals in my life.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like time is looking me out – that time is the “bad guy”, where it is me who have separated from me – and caused a wreck of myself – It is me who have abandoned me – and I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time to suppress myself  to suppress my hurt – the things I did not understand – or could not talk about.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time as a tool to suppress.

Investigate desteni

 

 

Day 840 – be lame

Lately there has been this deal, within me, very unspecified so, that has been lingering, something for me to ground, to understand, to make up with – for me to settle the score. And that something has been nothing else than blame.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for going into blame and going into judgement over things that I am trained/programmed into disliking,  to news and components that I do not agree with, and I would slide and morph from blame to judgement like a gathering of crap within me, and I find myself “blaming the blame”, and judging myself over my past instead of correcting me – taking responsibility and living the change – that which I know – from my physical – that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck at the design of blame and to feel like I am sucked into blame – on automation and I feel like I am so close to going into anger and frustration – lol so close that I am actually in it – where I end up with creating  a conspiracy, simply blaming the blame – and getting nowhere. Within this I find that I need to ground this blame experience and this sort of projection “at others” to bring the design/projection here, and ask my physical in honesty : what is this and to follow up with asking what should I do with this (matter) – and then to be able to trust myself and trust the obvious, what is here.

And I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed the shadow within myself of what is the aftermath or result/consequence/wanted outcome of me blaming where I see that the shadow that lies within blame is simply what I expect to happen from me going into blame. And this “what I expect” of me going into blame is the cool deal for me to take in and digest & understand. Because blame is a real lack of self-responsibility. Blame is that what collapses life (Quote; Heavens Journey to Life) Blame is that crucial blow to life. A definite abdication of responsibility. So, this is what I need to understand; how me being trained at projecting blame and sending out blame, that is in actual matter – me (in that moment of reaction) being trained at expecting my view/like/ego to be served – from dictator me –  from me blaming that other that I do not like. In other words – I project at the other – blame, were I expect to see change and “my way” – from/because of me first projecting blame. Therefor within this I see that I can ground this into myself – into my flesh – my being – by bringing the reason why I project the blame and bring that lack of responsibility – back to myself – and ask : ok what can I do to improve this situation – what action can I take in this moment – to do the OPPOSITE of blaming – to embrace – and train myself in listening to my body – communicating/voicing itself to me – and act on it.

Investigate : desteni

 

 

Day 818 – powerlessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger at life/everything/self and I do so because I fear to face my deep, deep down powerlessness and inferiority and feeling little and below, lost and scared, like a freak lost… and I don’t like to feel like a lost freak – so my mind uses different energy/moments and components to build up a anger/rage within me, to make my mind feel more alive and more vital, it gives my mind a boost but it makes me/myself within it  more scared and lonely than before because the anger outburst and the boosting of mind greatens/makes larger the divide/separation between my body, my being and my mind – making me and life suffer – for not really taking on looking at that dimension of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face my deep down powerlessness as I fear to not have anything there to do, where I fail to realize that I can’t do much about the power itself –  it’s the content – who I am within it – that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not seeing before today, in clarity, in perspective, how I need to practice to not go into anger/reactions/blame but rather face my powerlessness/my depth my sorrow, head on, face it, forgive it and let it go – again – it’s who I am within facing my powerlessness that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out this idea/picture of me all confident and seemingly strong guy – where that is but a shell/cover/secret mind/projection – that I use to hide my insecurities and fears/lesser than/low, that boils underneath and makes me feel like a failure because my facade / my shell is cracking up and I am falling down, and hurting myself from my stand of being confident/almost cocky  – into a depth of hurt and lonely/powerless, because deep down we are all insecure and more or less lost and/or sick/deprived from our minds, programming and our culture/inherent.

Within this I will know myself (!) to balance myself to a common sense life/practice/application to not fall for the illusion of depression or… other typical stereotype emotional burden – rather take a deep breath, chin up, find solutions that really work – practice it again  –  learn it/understand it  – and not give up on self!

 

desteni.org

 

Day 815 – Structure

Back to structure

Back to writing

My early on programming, culture, MTV and upbringing as such; would lead my schizophrenic mind(s) and myself lol, onto a path of uproar, revolt and sabotage of the system(s) and what I found of structure representing the system – in my surroundings.  Chaos, internal war, addictions and the extreme of culture, a deep rooted separation from life, dignity and responsibility,  would be my brands my impulse and my drive. I was in fear and opposition to what was of structure. That was how I communicated. Such where my accords.  That was the MTV life style that fucked me over like any old Kurt Cobain – story.

Then I discovered desteni. This was in 2009/2010.

Desteni (a group of people dedicated to save life !) showed to me something of a purpose, a meaning, and truly genuine so, a self honesty that was not seen to man before.

From there I started to walk my process, really getting into it in spring 2012, going deeper into my mind layers and programming such – from learning to write mind constructs and learning to work with self forgiveness. To correct myself, to change myself, end my addictions, and become a better version that I found within myself was something I could be.

This has since then been the process that I walk to unify myself with myself. To take back the abandoned, lost and forgotten separated qualities of me, to unify me with myself. To discover myself all over again. To find depth and self honesty so eternally rich and in bloom, all as a discovery of my own physical as the heaven within (so without).

This earlier searching, and my parents love and care for me, helped me back to sanity – from my last addiction trip, in central Europe winter 2011/2012. In spring of 2012, I started to get back to medications that I needed. I moved into my parents basement, and I went into a sort of monk hibernation and experience. After some 4 years of recovery, working on myself, I had changed my addictions to such of more support. I had started to jog, I started to swim, to write, to make videos about how I experienced my process and my schizophrenia,  I got back my drivers license, I found new friends. I healed old wounds. I payed back debt. I forgave myself. I forgave others – as myself. I changed.

Change takes time and so does healing of old wounds, but the point is that I had started to alter my ways. I had seen what monster I had become, how I had let my mind/programs play me for a fool. So this was me now going back to heal, to recover and to recreate my life. To unlearn, and embrace the old me and unconditionally forgive it, and stand to create something new – in support of life/the physical.

I July 2016, I moved into a Camphill Village. That was one of the smartest thing I have done so far !

So thanks to desteni I am now a new being. Or shall I say a being that is being discovered. Me discovering myself. It was always there – I had only suppressed and denied it to exist. No more. Be free Tormod, genuine and real !

 

So from my “Tormodic spring”  of 2012; I was to settle some storms within me. I had lived a chaotic life since school start literally. I grew up in Norway in the 80’s mostly, and one thing is crystal clear about that crux in oil rich Norway, school was living hell. School was not in particular harder for me than for anyone else, but I recon I am able to see today clear into the dimension and history on my school years and I think to myself that those (primary 9) years was 9 years of slow, slow,  burning hell.

The anxiety I learned from school (competing, bullying, abuse, neglect, ignorance, fear) I had to take out elsewhere, I had to “ventile” it out. I had to let out my angst. And that was how I grew more and more into the uproar, vandalism and sabotage of society. So school basically taught me to feel angst to hate and to fear, to be hard and to be a bully. Again though, nothing more have taught and directed me more in life than anxiety. Let’s just say it’s been some pretty tough times.

So for me in 2012, being able to look back at my life with clarity and insight, I can clearly see this example of what school really taught me. It is no secret.

It took a while but even today I am learning to embrace the word “structure”

For me to forgive the the teachers and my parents, but most importantly and profoundly to forgive myself within it, for how I had allowed the programs/abuse run crazy in my mind/life. I am learning today to use my mind and not let it take use of me.

So for me structure can be something as simple as a shower, or a folding of clothes, cleaning of bathroom. Preparing breakfast. Doing dishes. Reading a book. To monitor my activities/physical workouts. Writing a blog. As well as to keep a close contact with my physical, to keep myself grounded, and in my body, and not lost in some projection of my mind. To work on my relationships in my surrounding – where I am at and not my relations to some distant demi-god or illuminati “thing” – of mind.

For me today I am loving to connect with structure, I am more or less eager to take on ideas of making my everyday better organized, structured and clear. To gain that overview from self.

You see there is a 360 flip right there. I was in sabotage of life and systems. Today I am taking charge of these systems, responsibility, self honesty, with and as myself. I am making me the authority of my systems and they are my relations to my surroundings. That is how “easy”, yet impossible I have come to make my world. So with self honest perspective and clarity of mind, I take on new challenges in the name of structure and self investigation. I want to learn more about what I can become in this life. I would like to live till I am over 100 years on this mother earth – I want to create unite and embrace all of life – as it is a part of me.

So I have come to embrace being structured, organized and clear. To always plan, prepare and prevent.  It is a humbling experience.

It’s  perhaps baffling to get a grip on the “how”  but this is a snippet of the way I have turned my life story around, 360 – flip side lol, newborn Tormod getting structured and organized in Camphill !

some videos of mine :

https://tormodprocess.wordpress.com/

(photo of me)

enjoy the journey !

 

Day 743 – process of self

 

Either we are stuck in a obsessive compulsive mind set, or are in lack of income, or that we are in a addiction of some kind, or inn a abusive relationship. We all have something with our lives that would require for us to walk a process on. We all have something to improve within our living.

To document oneness process so,  is becoming more and more a new real value of life – as it also should. It is self assistance and it is supposed to be healing. We have been our own worst judges and punishers, from habits and patters and emotions, now we must be our own best helpers/healers and assist our self and to bring us to understand what we have been through. To learn what we were going through, and how we managed to get out of it. We need to understand the mind yoga. And  how to improve oneness living. This have been a bisnes for decades with coaching, psychiatry and all sorts of entrepreneurship.

I have walked a quite advanced and meticulous process through my  schizophrenic mind. It has been quite some yoga I can tell you. I have lived with all sorts of addictions and bothers. I am currently  walking through my schizophrenic mind into a life with self honesty and self respect. Integrity and responsibility. I still recon that I am schizophrenic, but I do not suffer that much from it any more. I live in a safe and protected environment and  I also live in the country of the best welfare system, the world have ever seen.

The explaining of my steps and my how to is all well documented and shared on my blog and on youtube and on soundcloud as well as other places.

I have gotten to a point to live with my schizophrenia,  and to improve my mental state. I know my schizophrenia very well after walking my process of self forgiveness. So I encourage you to start working on your mental states, on your addictions and your behavior patterns. There is something within this for us all. Let’s start that blog and document to write out our mind and to come clear with self.

 

The only help is self help

I can have assistance and support and guidance… but help comes from within self

 

 

Use the links

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 727 – voices in the head

what are voices in the head ?

where do they come from ?

allow me to share with you some links to information and knowledge about this troublesome phenomena.

please investigate the links & enjoy the videos below:

http://dailyhack.press/when-people-with-schizophrenia-hear-voices-theyre-really-hearing-their-own-subvocal-speech/

 

here is some very core and on point talk on voices in the mind:

 

https://eqafe.com/p/voices-in-my-mind-death-research-part-1

 

 

a interview done on request by the portal on schizophrenia:

https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia

 

YT video & soundcloud :

https://soundcloud.com/tormod-hvidsten-gjedrem/self-forgiveness-and-voices-in-the-head

thanks : enjoy your day !

 

 

 

this text below was written one day later

So during my day today I was struck by some thoughts about my latest blog ( day 727) about voices and schizophrenia. I was not happy about the outcome.  It was a point of self judging and anxiety of doing too much, and to exposing myself to much with doing such blogs and sharing my insight on schizophrenia.

 

So on the point of doing too much I will do self forgiveness to release the self judgment and the  energies involved so:

 

self forgiveness has best effect when read out loud:   

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within backchats, from investigating my latest blog;  such as “you are not good enough” and “you can’t pull your own weight” and “you are simply not doing your job” and such a thoughts and thinking mannerism within.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to moralize and judge my effort and blog  as to weak, little and inferior within doing the work, and the appearance and the outcome of the blog.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel shame from the content of voices in the head within the blog and that is just what I had to deal with also in real-time later on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write and expose and display voices in the head and also later on have my mind fire back at me with just that voices and backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to investigate my backchats and my voices out of fear of what I might find.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel little and intimidated by my mind and to fear my mind’s power failing to realize that mind only have the power over me that I give to it.

 

I realize that the intimidation and voices/backchats that I experienced today was my mind firing back at me.

I commit myself to embrace myself for daring to stand up against mind authority and voices/backchats and to be brave and not give into ego/abuse/separation.

 I commit myself to keep exposing the mind and its dimensions and my schizophrenia, as long as I have to.

I commit myself to deconstruct my schizophrenia, as best as I can,  until it is no more.

 

Day 718 -self forgiveness and schizophrenia

Please have a listen:

 

thanks : enjoy your day !