Tag Archives: self responsibility

Day 799 – at my backchating rock

When I am at my backchating rock

Listening to the interview from eqafe.com, who are you when challenged  : and realizing the common sense solution to work on ones bad/horrible backchats. We all have some spiteful, nasty and sometimes gruesome voices/thoughts backchats in our head. There is no denying this. It simply is a part of the humans experience.

My backchats are also quite nasty. And what I have found is that it is helping me to sound them. To speak them to self. Sound them with my mouth – the same way they sound in my head.

This have been helping me sorting them out, or organize them better – because no matter how gruesome they are – they are still a part of the experience of being me. They are a part of my creation. So, to be able to take responsibility for them, as myself, I must define them, to be able to organize them – to forgive them by sorting them out with writing and speaking. That is the way with everything today, we need to redefine everything and re design our reality. The nature of life makes this necessary.

We are programmed to suppress, deny and judge such backchats within self. It is mind in its essence. Running away from and judging backchats/voices is what mind does. But it does not heal or cure the backchats/nastiness, then it simply builds.


So, I have some backchats that are often returning to me. I will not write them here, but they are nasty and spiteful, sometimes hateful. I know how they are, and to me  there is no escaping the reality that I live with this. But when I get to know them, to sound them, to make them less scary/dangerous, I am making myself the master of them. So that I will not be scared by these voices in my head, and backchats, but rather to sound them, write them down and define them fro then to look at them and forgive them and their essence,  when I can see more of where they come from.


It could be like lyrics from a rock band (metal/rap song). Nasty and spiteful. So I define that when I am with my backchats, I am at my backchating rock. It is like visiting that hard, rough, heavy rock within. My backchatting rock. For me to be familiar with myself and to master myself. To be safe and sound within any situation. When I am in backchat’s/voices – I am at my backchatting rock. So I can be safe and sound within self and not fear self. To become comfortable with oneness backchats  sort of. To know  it. For me to then be able to work with it, and see it for what it is. To be able to see it and know it to stop reacting to it, and not suppress it, but know it to be able to forgive it and dissolve it in total. To know everything is to forgive everything


These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof








Day 728 – Learning to hate from school work


This is the story about how I learned to hate and going into sabotage,  from attending school and having massive conflict within/without of school work and doing assignments at home.


It boils down to the memory of me struggling typically with math assignments at home. I could not get my head around the math. If you take into consideration the sickening game of money in this world,  I am sure you can picture a child’s pain and trouble facing such issues as, mathematics do you not agree ?

Math was not making any sense to me. Simply because I did not see the equation lived in this world.


It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.


– Jiddu Krishnamurti


painting by me



The outside world was reflecting war, and corruption abuse and suffering. The outside world was not living the math equation of 1 + 1 + 1… of oneness and equality. The math books taught me simple  math that I was supposed to learn. But the outside world and the bankers (in particular) was stealing from everyone else, in their quest for war and profit. Like it was 30 years ago when I went to school, like it was 70 years ago and how it still is today, in most of the world. How for instance we allow pisa tests to corrupt our children to this very day. The private institution of pisa that shapes our children’s everyday – it is simply beyond.

I remember this picture of me sitting at a table, trying to do assignments, with my face filled with snot and tears. Struggling and fighting within to control my anger from not bursting out, and how I was waaay out of balance. Again the assignment I was shown in the text books, did not comply with reality/outside world. I was so hurt by this… my insides was twisting and turning like a  propel within my body. My insides was devastated and totally a  mess of emotions and anger. I was having anger/psychosis/breakdown at age 7, 8 – ish. The worst part is that I did not know what went on inside of me. I had no words to describe my inside movements other than my tears and my anger. I did not understand school and even less did I understand myself and my reactions / tears from my frustration. I was stuck with hate! (And I had no way to express it !!)

So from the many hours or struggling within this I learned to hate. School was pure torture only extended for many years as such. And this assignment and school work taught me one thing more than anything else: to hate.


I will release the hate from myself and the energies/components attached so. I will use self forgiveness to release the energies, and to free myself from this memory of hatred/anger.




Self forgiveness is best read out loud


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate school and to hate to do school assignments at home, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow more and more into sabotage and hate of system from struggling and going into sorrow, spite and anger from school work when I was 7, 8, 9 and older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see any other way out than to go into anger and sabotage from not understanding home work/school work that would not comply with the outside world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not seeing this particular pattern with me, and for blaming them for not considering my well being within this memory and pattern of learning to hate from school work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I realize that the pisa school – testing people must be really insane and/or evil because of how they design children to compete and to fight each other, so there could  be more wars and murder/crime in this world and then more money in the rich man’s pocket.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this hate I experience today from being a child onto the pisa people and institution and for judging them as sick and wrong in their ways and business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have learned my lesson to hate and now I want to break free and dump that hate and not touch it again but rather expose it and bring on a solution for school and for children/the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school memories as one big black happening like a nightmare of pain and lasting torture and suffering, and that this is the truth about my school experience that I see clearer everyday – from looking back at being a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt and shame from exposing this personal truth about my childhood, thinking I am making myself into a martyr, also considering what is best for all and what potential I see, and  being totally honest about my experience and telling it like it is.





Ultimately we need new systems and a new way of doing govern – mind/ment, banking, school, health,  and everything. They way we do things today with left / right, red / blue in politics; (as an example) is simply not doing any good at all. It is hurting us all and it is causing war/separation/abuse/etc.




Our children deserves a better tomorrow.

Let’s to absolutely (!!)  all we can to provide just that !


Here is what I think of public school:




So, what solutions are there to give children a better school/everyday ?

Well I think it is time to start investigating just that and; you could start with this blog right here:




thank you !!

tou m.m 006.jpg

painting by me

Day 528 – Safety of income = edification of myself.

I joined desteni 3 years ago. It was in January 2012.  At this point in my life I was very much a wreck. My process kicked off in may 2012. I first walked some months with demonology as I was having some possessions that I had to clear out. Desteni can help with such measures: http://demons.desteni.org/ I have walked Desteni I process lite: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ – it is cool, and it is free, and now I am busy constructing mind constructs, with the Desteni I process pro (professional). I joined to become free of voices. And to clear my mind. To straighten up in life. And to my pleasant surprise, Desteni, is so much more than that. Much more. I work through mind. Perfecting me. I feel like I am in the middle of my process and I am making progress quite extensively. And that have very, very much to do with the fact that I can do this. I can afford the cost, to participate with this program. Welfare inn Norway makes it affordable to walk a Desteni I process pro, with my back ground. The lite course is for free, and so is participating on Desteni forum. The professional course cost, and so does eqafe products. I can afford to walk with Desteni and to learn mind. And I don’t not have to work to be able to participate. It is a really cool experience, with being secure of income. I receive 16000 kroners (2100 USD) each month. From disability. From rock bottom.  Anyone should be granted this kind opportunity to have a automated safe income, to be able to walk this so genuine and very cool experience that Desteni, offers. And for that I feel grateful and glad. I am included in the online community of Desteni. Anyone could be included there, as long as one is ready to take responsibility and to be honest. To learn self forgiveness. It is the coolest group. Being here, In the now/moment. Realizing, exploring, walking through, focus on and breathing inn and out, as our very presence.

I am a destonian. I am becoming a leader in my own world . Taking responsibility for myself with everything that I do. 100 %. Through purifying my thoughts, words and my deeds. How am I becoming a world leader ? Like the world/word – word – I am taking responsibility of the words that are within and so without of me. I am active participating with what is best for all. Because what is best for all is also best for me. Through learning the mind, learning self, and learning world systems and then being able to say and bring conclusions and most important solutions, to the world/humanity. I chose what words that are to be the factors/floating out there, within the world that I live. With Desteni I learn critical thinking. I have straightened up from bottom low, to be a more and more responsible person, I am becoming equal and in one with my mind. And then stopping the mind and becoming one with my surroundings. Using self forgiveness, find solutions, equality and oneness. That what is best for all, to build a fundament on further in life. So I step out and I become a world leader – will you join me ?


Thank you

.desteni.org bennedicte