Tag Archives: self responsibility

Day 808 – thanks to desteni…..



I was just listening to a interview of anuaki in the reptilian series, on eqafe, and I wanted to share this post on that concern. Walking my life process, I learn a great deal from others who are walking the same as me, or something similar.

I would like to take this opportunity and audacity of writing a blog in gratitude. I am so lucky to live and breathe in Norway, so I can write pretty much anything and post it from free (!) online, for millions to be able to read…. THAT in itself is a pretty fucking fantastic thing, and I am grateful for so !

I would like on this day to bring out some thanks. The first thanks goes out to my parents. My parents have through thick and thin stood by me, for almost 40 years.  They have supported me, so many ways and lengths so that there is hardly no way to measuring it.

I owe you everything, though I don’t hold that as a energy,  but I am forever grateful – thank you two, for the life that I have been given.

My boldness and my openness, sharing, consistent, persistent nature, my consideration and honesty I have discovered within myself, self discovery – after starting to walk with desteni.org and learning from the people within that group – literally to realize me! I have been able to free myself from several addictions. I rose up to realize myself beyond polarity, personality, believes, emotions and consciousness. I was to discover me and my life potential. I am grateful for what life gives me to live, today I embrace each morning and bring thanks every night  !

The one and true solution to bring me to realize self and my being is without any comparing the online group we know as desteni.org

So I want to honor some destonians here. In fact all !

dem 4.jpg

From our gathering in Brussel, spring 2017


Thanks you all destonians who I have walked with the last decade – your existing is intriguing and deeply appreciated. I have learned a lot from walking with you all. In particular I would like to mention a few bloggers and walkers who I have particular learned very much from walking with, and that is first of all Kristina Salas. And the blog equality walk ! You are a  awesome example of consistency. That blog and those selection of words have taught me A LOT. Your example is very much appreciated Kristina ! Thanks for all the investigation and realizations, support and sharing of your life ! I have learned lots from your words and your living over the years. I think it is about to realize self, to become better from self. So totally awesome equality walk – humble thanks.

Also I would like to thank Anna Brix Thomsen who I have been walking with now for many years – and that I have shared my online life with, from the desteni I process and from managing self in this world. Your support is awesome and I learn from you all the time: to manage self and to find life hacks – great thanks !


Also I would like to mention the persistent and convincing Marlen Vargas Del Razo – for  the support that you have given me unconditionally for many (!) years. The short by efficient comments to my many youtube videos and your comments and questioning and appreciation of my blogs is simply breathtaking and I owe you first a good hug and to let you know how deep I appreciate and value the support that you still give. It may not be that visible what you do but in the long haul we see the marvel of marvels, birthing of life,  and the message of quality comes through.

You have taught me persistence and perseverance. And that realizing of reward to “keep at it”, to give up the giving up basically. Your presence is deeply appreciated.


I would like to mention Kim Klein for the example of walking through with OCD, I have still to manage my mentality and the awareness and example of you makes my days more structured and doable.

Also I want to thank the very awesome man of Matti Freeman – your example is magnificent ! Big inspiration.

Andrea Rossouw. You assisted me and saw my potential early on I guess. Walking with me through my demons and pain. Your dedication is very much appreciated and your humor and insight is also something I precious dearly.

Lets keep walking & supporting !


There are sooo many people I would like to hug and thank… People at our farm in South Africa – great support – thanks all: 100 % ! ….and everyone I work with everyday, From New Zeland to Europe, to China and All over this world. Humble thanks ! The message of equality and oneness is coming through in our living practicality – and that is what matters !


I can’t do this post without mentioning you Sunette. You teach me to be honest, simple, daring  and physical. You all are great examples and exceptional being. I have learned lots from you all and the many events, and communications and project we commonly share. May there be many, many more for the generations to come!  I got to meet and say “Hi” to Sunette in Brussels 2017. I got a short glimpse to who you are, and I find it very interesting that you want to show yourself, not only as the portal but also as you the girl from the farm – that you are. So I double appreciate you then Sunette lol. The LF chat is super cool to be a part of – you have thought me so much… man. Heavens Journey to life…   is sooo cool. All the things you have showed me I appreciate perhaps most : the small things that we take for granted (?) stability, presence, internet, breathe, clean water, warm shower, my body, grass, animals… you are very dear to me and I want to honor you as best I can ! So thank you Sunette for your awesome example !



Offcorse I have also learned lots of key ingredients and honest perspective from the one and only Bernard Poolman. A truly unique being, whom I still visit on youtube and the blog creations journey to life, to remind myself:  what is life about.


From desteni the group, all of you, buddies and newbie’s, bloggers, forgivers, mothers and children, I have been given the ingredients to learn self trust, self responsibility, self honesty. Integrity. Humbleness. So many deep qualities and wonders it completes my every day.

Check out the 7 year journey to life page on FB


So thank YOU for reading this and let’s keep walking and sharing and exposing our process and learn from each other.


I just realizes that I am greater than my schizophrenia – from the words (!) that I live…

equality and oneness – until it is done




The ultimate store online: https://eqafe.com/

Try out our free online course to learn self forgiveness : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/




Day 804 – selling my car – learning structure



I sold my car – learning structure


Some weeks ago I sold my car.  Mostly out of practical reasons and simply of not needing it more. The process of selling it though was quite complex and rather difficult for me to experience. Let me share with you how that was.

Owning a car is a lot of responsibility. It cost quite a lot of money, and there are many things to consider, like to have winter tires and money for gas, all sorts of automated registration, insurance and so on. There is simply lots to remember when it comes  to owning a car. At least here in Norway.

So when I was to sell my car, I first talked to my dad, who had recently invested in a new car for himself.  Hidden here lies a deep fear within me, fear of being rejected by my dad if I should sell my car for too little money. I would fear to be rejected by dad if I should make a bad deal. So that was something for me to work through with self forgiveness and a deep rooted awareness.  I simply reasoned that  it would be safe to ask him on; how do I go about to sell my car ? What are the process of it ?

And there lies a clue to pick up on. Why are we not taught about such a detailed process in school ? Why ? We could save a lot of scams, conflicts and maybe also accidents by giving our children real valuable knowhow. And even more how to fix and maintain a car….Valuable information that everyone would need to know – whether they drive or not…


Anyways the selling of my car was not a simple solution to come to though I had been planning it and thinking of it for some time. I bought a add inn a online marked places and waited. There was someone contacting me, but they soon lost interest. Another guy was simply hard to communicate with, so I had to let him go.

After some 3 weeks I was contacted by a young man who was honest and real with me. He was very interested and we agreed to a sum of money and he came to see the car together with his dad. I was  alone and did not have anyone with me, to mentally back me up. So when the moments came where we signed the online contract, and printed it out in my apartment, and he handed me the money, I was deep in stress and close to collapsing. Simply in deep fear of making a mistake, to feel rejected, and the responsibility with the money, the car, the deal etc…

The deal itself was a deeply stressed situation – where I kept breathing through my stress and my fear. It was painful and not a nice experience.

But things ended well and I sold it and it is now settled some time ago. What I learned from this is to be more consistent when it comes to being structured, genuine and organized in my application. If I could have invited with me a friend to be my backup and buddy during the agreement- that would have been simply a great support for me.


So I learned to sell a car simply from this experience. If I am to sell a car later in my life there might be new rules and regulation to it so I will be care full to anyways know to be more gentle with self, to analyze more, to slow down, breathe, and to be more real in myself support. I would know to be more structurally organized from the start. I would prepare better and know how to take things in a gentle and considerate manner – considerate to myself. I learn to be structured and considerate from the start, to plan things and to organize myself better.


Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be rejected by my dad over fearing to make a bad deal of sales.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to deal with the system and to deal with agreements, papers and ultimately money  – where I see that I fear money – with how I fear to lose my money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that I needed more backup and support other than just a phone call to dad and that I see today that it alone was not sufficient to calm me down and make me stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subtle judge myself as a sabotager of systems, and for being against the structure of a system, when I really want and need to improve it and to build on it and see people and life thrive in cooperation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see myself as a structured human being.


Self corrections

When  and as I see myself about to do something that I know can stress me and potentially make me unstable, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I take a  breathe.


I realize that there are lots of system here for me to use and to support myself with. There are people, “do it yourself” videos and support for me on many levels and most important from myself and me slowing down and assessing the situation.

I realize that there is a lot of supportive structure out there and I can pick it up and build on it to create more stability and structure.

I commit myself to in situations involving money or documents, or similar, that can be particular stressful where I should be aware of it, support myself however I need, structure it,  make plans in my mind and direct my imagination and use my mind/projection to design and create the best possible outcome, as I plan it in my simulator : my mind.


I commit myself to build on what support that is already here and to use the system for what is best for all.

I hereby embrace the word structure !

Thanks for reading


These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof







Day 799 – at my backchating rock

When I am at my backchating rock

Listening to the interview from eqafe.com, who are you when challenged  : and realizing the common sense solution to work on ones bad/horrible backchats. We all have some spiteful, nasty and sometimes gruesome voices/thoughts backchats in our head. There is no denying this. It simply is a part of the humans experience.

My backchats are also quite nasty. And what I have found is that it is helping me to sound them. To speak them to self. Sound them with my mouth – the same way they sound in my head.

This have been helping me sorting them out, or organize them better – because no matter how gruesome they are – they are still a part of the experience of being me. They are a part of my creation. So, to be able to take responsibility for them, as myself, I must define them, to be able to organize them – to forgive them by sorting them out with writing and speaking. That is the way with everything today, we need to redefine everything and re design our reality. The nature of life makes this necessary.

We are programmed to suppress, deny and judge such backchats within self. It is mind in its essence. Running away from and judging backchats/voices is what mind does. But it does not heal or cure the backchats/nastiness, then it simply builds.


So, I have some backchats that are often returning to me. I will not write them here, but they are nasty and spiteful, sometimes hateful. I know how they are, and to me  there is no escaping the reality that I live with this. But when I get to know them, to sound them, to make them less scary/dangerous, I am making myself the master of them. So that I will not be scared by these voices in my head, and backchats, but rather to sound them, write them down and define them fro then to look at them and forgive them and their essence,  when I can see more of where they come from.


It could be like lyrics from a rock band (metal/rap song). Nasty and spiteful. So I define that when I am with my backchats, I am at my backchating rock. It is like visiting that hard, rough, heavy rock within. My backchatting rock. For me to be familiar with myself and to master myself. To be safe and sound within any situation. When I am in backchat’s/voices – I am at my backchatting rock. So I can be safe and sound within self and not fear self. To become comfortable with oneness backchats  sort of. To know  it. For me to then be able to work with it, and see it for what it is. To be able to see it and know it to stop reacting to it, and not suppress it, but know it to be able to forgive it and dissolve it in total. To know everything is to forgive everything


These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof








Day 728 – Learning to hate from school work


This is the story about how I learned to hate and going into sabotage,  from attending school and having massive conflict within/without of school work and doing assignments at home.


It boils down to the memory of me struggling typically with math assignments at home. I could not get my head around the math. If you take into consideration the sickening game of money in this world,  I am sure you can picture a child’s pain and trouble facing such issues as, mathematics do you not agree ?

Math was not making any sense to me. Simply because I did not see the equation lived in this world.


It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.


– Jiddu Krishnamurti


painting by me



The outside world was reflecting war, and corruption abuse and suffering. The outside world was not living the math equation of 1 + 1 + 1… of oneness and equality. The math books taught me simple  math that I was supposed to learn. But the outside world and the bankers (in particular) was stealing from everyone else, in their quest for war and profit. Like it was 30 years ago when I went to school, like it was 70 years ago and how it still is today, in most of the world. How for instance we allow pisa tests to corrupt our children to this very day. The private institution of pisa that shapes our children’s everyday – it is simply beyond.

I remember this picture of me sitting at a table, trying to do assignments, with my face filled with snot and tears. Struggling and fighting within to control my anger from not bursting out, and how I was waaay out of balance. Again the assignment I was shown in the text books, did not comply with reality/outside world. I was so hurt by this… my insides was twisting and turning like a  propel within my body. My insides was devastated and totally a  mess of emotions and anger. I was having anger/psychosis/breakdown at age 7, 8 – ish. The worst part is that I did not know what went on inside of me. I had no words to describe my inside movements other than my tears and my anger. I did not understand school and even less did I understand myself and my reactions / tears from my frustration. I was stuck with hate! (And I had no way to express it !!)

So from the many hours or struggling within this I learned to hate. School was pure torture only extended for many years as such. And this assignment and school work taught me one thing more than anything else: to hate.


I will release the hate from myself and the energies/components attached so. I will use self forgiveness to release the energies, and to free myself from this memory of hatred/anger.




Self forgiveness is best read out loud


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate school and to hate to do school assignments at home, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow more and more into sabotage and hate of system from struggling and going into sorrow, spite and anger from school work when I was 7, 8, 9 and older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see any other way out than to go into anger and sabotage from not understanding home work/school work that would not comply with the outside world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not seeing this particular pattern with me, and for blaming them for not considering my well being within this memory and pattern of learning to hate from school work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I realize that the pisa school – testing people must be really insane and/or evil because of how they design children to compete and to fight each other, so there could  be more wars and murder/crime in this world and then more money in the rich man’s pocket.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this hate I experience today from being a child onto the pisa people and institution and for judging them as sick and wrong in their ways and business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have learned my lesson to hate and now I want to break free and dump that hate and not touch it again but rather expose it and bring on a solution for school and for children/the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school memories as one big black happening like a nightmare of pain and lasting torture and suffering, and that this is the truth about my school experience that I see clearer everyday – from looking back at being a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt and shame from exposing this personal truth about my childhood, thinking I am making myself into a martyr, also considering what is best for all and what potential I see, and  being totally honest about my experience and telling it like it is.





Ultimately we need new systems and a new way of doing govern – mind/ment, banking, school, health,  and everything. They way we do things today with left / right, red / blue in politics; (as an example) is simply not doing any good at all. It is hurting us all and it is causing war/separation/abuse/etc.




Our children deserves a better tomorrow.

Let’s to absolutely (!!)  all we can to provide just that !


Here is what I think of public school:




So, what solutions are there to give children a better school/everyday ?

Well I think it is time to start investigating just that and; you could start with this blog right here:




thank you !!

tou m.m 006.jpg

painting by me

Day 528 – Safety of income = edification of myself.

I joined desteni 3 years ago. It was in January 2012.  At this point in my life I was very much a wreck. My process kicked off in may 2012. I first walked some months with demonology as I was having some possessions that I had to clear out. Desteni can help with such measures: http://demons.desteni.org/ I have walked Desteni I process lite: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ – it is cool, and it is free, and now I am busy constructing mind constructs, with the Desteni I process pro (professional). I joined to become free of voices. And to clear my mind. To straighten up in life. And to my pleasant surprise, Desteni, is so much more than that. Much more. I work through mind. Perfecting me. I feel like I am in the middle of my process and I am making progress quite extensively. And that have very, very much to do with the fact that I can do this. I can afford the cost, to participate with this program. Welfare inn Norway makes it affordable to walk a Desteni I process pro, with my back ground. The lite course is for free, and so is participating on Desteni forum. The professional course cost, and so does eqafe products. I can afford to walk with Desteni and to learn mind. And I don’t not have to work to be able to participate. It is a really cool experience, with being secure of income. I receive 16000 kroners (2100 USD) each month. From disability. From rock bottom.  Anyone should be granted this kind opportunity to have a automated safe income, to be able to walk this so genuine and very cool experience that Desteni, offers. And for that I feel grateful and glad. I am included in the online community of Desteni. Anyone could be included there, as long as one is ready to take responsibility and to be honest. To learn self forgiveness. It is the coolest group. Being here, In the now/moment. Realizing, exploring, walking through, focus on and breathing inn and out, as our very presence.

I am a destonian. I am becoming a leader in my own world . Taking responsibility for myself with everything that I do. 100 %. Through purifying my thoughts, words and my deeds. How am I becoming a world leader ? Like the world/word – word – I am taking responsibility of the words that are within and so without of me. I am active participating with what is best for all. Because what is best for all is also best for me. Through learning the mind, learning self, and learning world systems and then being able to say and bring conclusions and most important solutions, to the world/humanity. I chose what words that are to be the factors/floating out there, within the world that I live. With Desteni I learn critical thinking. I have straightened up from bottom low, to be a more and more responsible person, I am becoming equal and in one with my mind. And then stopping the mind and becoming one with my surroundings. Using self forgiveness, find solutions, equality and oneness. That what is best for all, to build a fundament on further in life. So I step out and I become a world leader – will you join me ?


Thank you

.desteni.org bennedicte