self-loathing
Dictionary result for self-loathing
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hatred of oneself.
I have been wanting to open up this point for a while now, and it’s a point of self loathe/self hate/self harm and belittlement and how one can understand this dimension, and most important change and recover – from this type of mental suffering.
Mainly it plays out when I start to become uncertain, in doubt and in worry over something. Something like “did I close my door to my room”, “are the lights of” and “am I certain that I turned the stove of” – and I can’t stop the thoughts, questions and backchats from hammering at me with worry, doubt and uncertainty.
I see this character of “self loathing” playing from the starting point of worry and being concerned, which is something that have been deeply ingrained in my life from way back in early childhood.
So from the starting point of worry, concern and doubtful thoughts, this then triggers my self loathing personality. I start to have such a nature of, backchats, thoughts and ideas in my head/mind of being lesser then. Ideas that tell me I am worthless and insignificant. That I am a lowlife and scum. You know if you hear that many enough times, THAT becomes your reality, and it will play out in real time.
So for many years I would live for being “hard”, worshiping the tough guy personality. Living in hate of the system. Being that hard core rocker. Being in uproar and basically war against any form of order. This worshiping and nature of mine for some 15 – 20 years of my life – is now getting back at me. Like terminator saying in the mirror the famous “I’ll be back” – that is now present.
So from this over-thinking and bothersome state of mind, I start to believe that I don’t deserve a quality life. I think that I need to be belittled and basically punished – because I judge myself with concerning thoughts – of worry, doubt and insecurity. It is a negative spiral and the only real way out is with self forgiveness, understanding myself within it – and self change – into new living word such as self confident and/or self appreciation. One of the ways to heal this worry dimension, is to become a master in planning, preparing and preventing – that I take on me to learn.
Also what plays a part here is the point about tidiness, having tidiness around me, and a constant judgment and concern that my living is out of order and not proper and tidy (enough). This is relate to a judgment of my expression not being tidy, and it goes way into my sexuality (symbolical expression) and judgment of my own expression and nature.
In short I end up with self loathing/self judgment and self hate from thoughts and concern about worry, insecurity and doubtfulness.
So I will work my way through these mind layers with self forgiveness – releasing the energy bundle and stabilize self out of harm from the self loath dimension.
self forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since worry is a design that is deeply ingrained with me, I should just resign and give up on trying to change that part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge between positive and negative believes of mind situations where my mind tries to “solve” my worry challenges, where I must rather, when I spot such worry issues, I must ground myself, breathe and rely on my physical and the common sense nature and steer out of that worry as best possible in that moment – but also see to manage and learn well to : plan, prepare and prevent (become a master of planning) as a way to avoid worry, doubt and insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the worry, doubt and uncertain characters simply play how they like with me in my mind, and end up with massive self judgment and self belittlement issues – where I fall into a spiral of anger, depression and fear – and THAT is not supportive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw to worry like a magnet in my mind, and to judge other beings from me going into worry, like I would judge my parents and my upbringing for this program to allow to manifest in and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to trust myself, and what activity I just did and there for sow doubt within me and later harvest the loath and other concerning personalities/polarities and believe patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to admit myself loathing personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see how bad a self loathing personality could develop within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to self loathing personality from thinking “I am schizophrenic, so a portion of self loathing is natural to me and my living” – and to feel attracted to self hate/self loathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract to hate simply because I want to cure it – so I invent hate in my mind and create it within me to attack it – a pattern of self destruct and simply a mind occupation/possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am such a wimp and pussy from living with worry and then also using these backchats of wimp and pussy to belittle myself, judge myself and drive me into self loathing – from thinking I don’t deserve better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that self loathing and hate (toward others) was more a part of me some 15 – 20 years of my life, and prominently so playing the hard rocker dude that would not compromise and that would not surrender, but live in sabotage uproar and in general self loathing (war) for many years – THAT past is playing out now in manifested consequence, like I would live hate – out to system before – that is now inverted towards me like basic math – give as you want to receive, my own mirage giving back to me – lol – looking in the mirror and seeing Terminator 2 : “I’ll be back” – that I have to deal with now.
When and as I see myself going in to worry and concern about a detail (stove, lamp, light etc) I stop myself, I breathe and I ground myself with what is here. I realize that worry only leads to more worry. I must rather than giving into worry, before that having planed and prepared my living situation, to slow down and make sure that I have done what needs to be done, I need to make a checklist. I can also cross check with my physical – to ask – is it needed to go back to check again ? But also to use such point to realize that I need to plan, prepare and prevent better.
I commit myself to become a master of planning, preparing and preventing to avoid worry, doubt and insecurity, and such concerns that I have come to find.
When and as I see myself attempted to go into self destructive pattern such as self loathing, I stop myself I breathe and I ground myself with what is here. I realize that hate/loath is something that I would live expressively with intent some years ago. I realize that I have to face that and such programs today – by forgiving it and deleting it – freeing self from the energy and learning planning, preparing and prevention – and further self trust as I go and change my nature.
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A schizophrenic's journey from consciousness to awareness. In Oneness & Equality! 