All posts by Tormod Hvidsten Gjedrem

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Day 819 – effortlessness through the lens of hardship


Imagine that the idea and concept that the matrix movies present are real. In which I am aware they are in most ways.

Imagine that you could change your minds programming, according to what is needed and preferred  to become a better version of self.

Imagine that you can hack your own mind, your own system, and change/alter the programming that is layered within and as your own mind/being.

That is what is taking place at me, from me walking my desteni I process now for over 6 years. It’s a altering of my minds programs to change my ways to prove that change is real and that the process I walk is a process that for real can change ones reality – from words and systems as words.

I am now looking specifically at my relationship to some distinguished words. Words that I have chosen  to walk and to apply. So I am at the moment changing and literally programming myself to a new and altered state of being from my relationship to some specific words.

I look at the  word effortlessness. How my life is changing with me simply living my life. From me programming myself with words through my desteni I process and mind programming literally to untie the many connections/systems between my mind and my physical body. It’s like writing new code for my own soft and hardware, my own mind, being and physical.

So after I have written it and coded my self – it’s just for me to live it – to live the change. And it’s quite the remarkable experience. It’s quite hard to be a new self. You can say I recently placed in lots of work in self.  It’s quite painful. Just like a baby is screaming to communicate to its parents,  my body is often communicating with me through pain. The pain is real and it’s from change. It’s new parts of me that is again, discovered and woken up from the long sleep and darkness of past/old abusing programs into a new and  better me.

The point of effortlessness is that the process becomes more easy to follow/go with as I simply have to live it / walk it and applying it becomes easy.


It’s like seeing what is there (in my mind) exposing it and knowing the brutal truth/honesty of it. And then to change its coding – from writing. Self forgiveness and redefining my words and relationships, self commitments and other methods of self altering and self structuring are some of the tools I am proud to use – that the group of desteni are working every day to fine tune.

Looking at effortlessness I find it quite challenging to be the change, I mean change to fast can be a challenging ride. And that is today some of my hardship. At the end of the day I realize that I don’t want to be the one that simply gives the responsibility and all the mess we are in over to our children. Like it was done to me. No.  I take responsibility for my and this life, to alter my ways to find solutions and imply them. It’s challenging yes, but it will be worth is in the long haul. I know for sure.

So effortlessness is today my hardship, but it’s a strong and steady ship lol, and challenge is a channel to change. A opportunity for change. So I am looking at effortlessness,  within my being and a solution to the hardness of it is to adjust the stress level with …. watching TV ! TV has today become a remedy for my share these days, is  I need to serve myself with some TV these days and use that is unwinding. Reading books are similar activities that I use when I need to relax and enjoy myself. Walking outside and working physically with my body are other ways to recover.

Thanks for reading



Here is me talking about self forgieveness:

Enjoy your day !


Day 818 – powerlessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger at life/everything/self and I do so because I fear to face my deep, deep down powerlessness and inferiority and feeling little and below, lost and scared, like a freak lost… and I don’t like to feel like a lost freak – so my mind uses different energy/moments and components to build up a anger/rage within me, to make my mind feel more alive and more vital, it gives my mind a boost but it makes me/myself within it  more scared and lonely than before because the anger outburst and the boosting of mind greatens/makes larger the divide/separation between my body, my being and my mind – making me and life suffer – for not really taking on looking at that dimension of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face my deep down powerlessness as I fear to not have anything there to do, where I fail to realize that I can’t do much about the power itself –  it’s the content – who I am within it – that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not seeing before today, in clarity, in perspective, how I need to practice to not go into anger/reactions/blame but rather face my powerlessness/my depth my sorrow, head on, face it, forgive it and let it go – again – it’s who I am within facing my powerlessness that matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out this idea/picture of me all confident and seemingly strong guy – where that is but a shell/cover/secret mind/projection – that I use to hide my insecurities and fears/lesser than/low, that boils underneath and makes me feel like a failure because my facade / my shell is cracking up and I am falling down, and hurting myself from my stand of being confident/almost cocky  – into a depth of hurt and lonely/powerless, because deep down we are all insecure and more or less lost and/or sick/deprived from our minds, programming and our culture/inherent.

Within this I will know myself (!) to balance myself to a common sense life/practice/application to not fall for the illusion of depression or… other typical stereotype emotional burden – rather take a deep breath, chin up, find solutions that really work – practice it again  –  learn it/understand it  – and not give up on self!



Day 817 – Plato’s Allegory of the Cave vs. the Savior Character/Savior Complex


Plato’s  Allegory of the Cave vs. the Savior Character / Savior Complex


So If you don’t know the Allegory of the Cave by Plato – I suggest to take some time to investigate it and understand it before reading this.

(There are several cool (and short) videos on youtube about this fine theory)


This is me looking at who I am I relation to the Cave theory by Plato – and how I (then) play my savior character /savior complex.

Savior character is typically a character/personality (of self) that want to save other people.

So if you know the cave theory you would know how the savior character is a part of that, and that it’s not supportive at all – to be a savior within such a deal.


Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s my job to save anyone else from their own misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall down and obey the savior character within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise the savior character – as myself  – within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship the savior character – within and as a personality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like honoring the savior character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program my own being and body to chose and apply/like the/my savior character/complex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the/my savior character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make process about others and how I can save them/fish them out of their hell, and make them see my reality/light – when they must find this out for themselves – I can only share snippets and parts and hints here and there – to not pressure people or “save” people, but rather let them see the reality for themselves – and so my living application/solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself trying to save people from their own fears/shadows like the Cave Allegory from Plato lets us know, that it’s not easy for people to see the truth and that might be a delicate and risky business, all in all to be such a savior/prophet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this savior character within the Cave Allegory of Plato, and to think that I have to save and untie/unlock people from their chains and free them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for believing that it is my job to work on myself – equal to that of anyone else to try to free them from their past/programs/emotions as we are all equal and one – which is a interesting take – still I am  me and other people are themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling like I am dying to save people – like the Allegory from Plato tells us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not save people from their chains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior since I understand the Cave Allegory by Plato – where that is a trap that I make and I soon find myself inferior and in need to correct myself and by correcting – my programming tells me to save others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not “have to” save others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like to save others is a deep, deep issue with me, and again like we know from the Allegory of the cave by Plato, people must find out for themselves how to live.


Self commitment :

I commit myself to drop the savior character and be and express me !

I commit myself to live words like : relax, easy, gentle, focus, clear, calm, when I feel like going back into the cave “to save people” – rather I must resonate and live my solutions and be a gentle guide/assistant.

I commit myself to break the spell  of me having to be a savior character.

I commit myself to ground the savior character and to bring that focus/energy back at self – and my process, and my living application.





Day 816 – feminine




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word and dimension of “feminine” to be something about girls and the female, connecting the word to that of body features, the period (menstrue-hate) dresses, colures, numbers, features, opinions, things, and as well as other words and dimensions that are from our world (cult- hour-e/culture)  a part of how we see and make difference of male and female – when they are in fact BOTH (male/female) qualities within each and every one of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “feminine”, and then also to not care for or consider myself,  the parts of me that is part of the feminine expression/my left side of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the word “heroine”, to mean both to discover and see/use/medicate to see the very cure for ones emotions/memories/trauma, AND looking at the girl/lady/mother as the savior and rescuer of it all, and thinking “naah, I am not a girl so that (this life) is not for me” – making a clear divide within me of energy polarizing between left and right : female and male qualities – making the quest for heroine (drug)  something I would crave, instead of simply looking at nurturing my own female, heroine/hero, expression/femininity within me – and dare to live me!


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the feminine is deeper, and it has a more consistent, more powerful,  drive and flow to it, in compare to the masculine, and for thinking since that is the matter; I give up and rather sabotage the unity/oneness and responsibility within nurturing and caring for BOTH qualities within and as myself (my body/being/self) – but instead reacting in fear of the feminine and “giving up” on myself for the simple fact that I have a penis and not a vagina.


Within this I commit myself to nurture and care to work for BOTH feminine and masculine expressions/structure within me, to redefine energies/words/dimensions that are present but not of support – to flip them over – like concern can become passion, and worry can become intelligence – IF I put in the work to forgive, change and understand it, and alter my ways and my relationship to my left and right side of me, the expression = feminine and the structure = masculine – they are both part of who I am.



some interviews of support / diving deep :

Day 815 – Structure

Back to structure

Back to writing

My early on programming, culture, MTV and upbringing as such; would lead my schizophrenic mind(s) and myself lol, onto a path of uproar, revolt and sabotage of the system(s) and what I found of structure representing the system – in my surroundings.  Chaos, internal war, addictions and the extreme of culture, a deep rooted separation from life, dignity and responsibility,  would be my brands my impulse and my drive. I was in fear and opposition to what was of structure. That was how I communicated. Such where my accords.  That was the MTV life style that fucked me over like any old Kurt Cobain – story.

Then I discovered desteni. This was in 2009/2010.

Desteni (a group of people dedicated to save life !) showed to me something of a purpose, a meaning, and truly genuine so, a self honesty that was not seen to man before.

From there I started to walk my process, really getting into it in spring 2012, going deeper into my mind layers and programming such – from learning to write mind constructs and learning to work with self forgiveness. To correct myself, to change myself, end my addictions, and become a better version that I found within myself was something I could be.

This has since then been the process that I walk to unify myself with myself. To take back the abandoned, lost and forgotten separated qualities of me, to unify me with myself. To discover myself all over again. To find depth and self honesty so eternally rich and in bloom, all as a discovery of my own physical as the heaven within (so without).

This earlier searching, and my parents love and care for me, helped me back to sanity – from my last addiction trip, in central Europe winter 2011/2012. In spring of 2012, I started to get back to medications that I needed. I moved into my parents basement, and I went into a sort of monk hibernation and experience. After some 4 years of recovery, working on myself, I had changed my addictions to such of more support. I had started to jog, I started to swim, to write, to make videos about how I experienced my process and my schizophrenia,  I got back my drivers license, I found new friends. I healed old wounds. I payed back debt. I forgave myself. I forgave others – as myself. I changed.

Change takes time and so does healing of old wounds, but the point is that I had started to alter my ways. I had seen what monster I had become, how I had let my mind/programs play me for a fool. So this was me now going back to heal, to recover and to recreate my life. To unlearn, and embrace the old me and unconditionally forgive it, and stand to create something new – in support of life/the physical.

I July 2016, I moved into a Camphill Village. That was one of the smartest thing I have done so far !

So thanks to desteni I am now a new being. Or shall I say a being that is being discovered. Me discovering myself. It was always there – I had only suppressed and denied it to exist. No more. Be free Tormod, genuine and real !


So from my “Tormodic spring”  of 2012; I was to settle some storms within me. I had lived a chaotic life since school start literally. I grew up in Norway in the 80’s mostly, and one thing is crystal clear about that crux in oil rich Norway, school was living hell. School was not in particular harder for me than for anyone else, but I recon I am able to see today clear into the dimension and history on my school years and I think to myself that those (primary 9) years was 9 years of slow, slow,  burning hell.

The anxiety I learned from school (competing, bullying, abuse, neglect, ignorance, fear) I had to take out elsewhere, I had to “ventile” it out. I had to let out my angst. And that was how I grew more and more into the uproar, vandalism and sabotage of society. So school basically taught me to feel angst to hate and to fear, to be hard and to be a bully. Again though, nothing more have taught and directed me more in life than anxiety. Let’s just say it’s been some pretty tough times.

So for me in 2012, being able to look back at my life with clarity and insight, I can clearly see this example of what school really taught me. It is no secret.

It took a while but even today I am learning to embrace the word “structure”

For me to forgive the the teachers and my parents, but most importantly and profoundly to forgive myself within it, for how I had allowed the programs/abuse run crazy in my mind/life. I am learning today to use my mind and not let it take use of me.

So for me structure can be something as simple as a shower, or a folding of clothes, cleaning of bathroom. Preparing breakfast. Doing dishes. Reading a book. To monitor my activities/physical workouts. Writing a blog. As well as to keep a close contact with my physical, to keep myself grounded, and in my body, and not lost in some projection of my mind. To work on my relationships in my surrounding – where I am at and not my relations to some distant demi-god or illuminati “thing” – of mind.

For me today I am loving to connect with structure, I am more or less eager to take on ideas of making my everyday better organized, structured and clear. To gain that overview from self.

You see there is a 360 flip right there. I was in sabotage of life and systems. Today I am taking charge of these systems, responsibility, self honesty, with and as myself. I am making me the authority of my systems and they are my relations to my surroundings. That is how “easy”, yet impossible I have come to make my world. So with self honest perspective and clarity of mind, I take on new challenges in the name of structure and self investigation. I want to learn more about what I can become in this life. I would like to live till I am over 100 years on this mother earth – I want to create unite and embrace all of life – as it is a part of me.

So I have come to embrace being structured, organized and clear. To always plan, prepare and prevent.  It is a humbling experience.

It’s  perhaps baffling to get a grip on the “how”  but this is a snippet of the way I have turned my life story around, 360 – flip side lol, newborn Tormod getting structured and organized in Camphill !

some videos of mine :


(photo of me)

enjoy the journey !


Day 814 – the DANCE within CONFIDENCE



Doubt and insecurity have been a part of me for a long time. It have often been a sneaking undercurrent of my everyday living. Subtly and like sinking sand, making life difficult in the most meticulous ways. All from my own (accepted and allowed) programming of mind.

There is this quote I keep falling back to, and it is presented like it is from Nietzsche that goes; “Just doubt it” – in comparing to Nikes: “Just do it” – kind a funny, like gallows humor, like to let the depression and sorrow to win one over.

*This is just a glimpse into the total process that I am walking through these emotions.

To just resign sort of. Which have been a common factor of today. We sort of give up. Drug addiction is common to that experience.

Growing up skizofrenic and spending lots of time on addictions and suppression of me, made me later doubt myself and my ability, to this very day. Like thinking common sensical about doing something, like baking or driving a new car model, where I would think initially this is fine I know this, and then at the same time there sneaks in a doubtful thought and a questioning of myself trust. Shaking my up ground.

Like taking on a new skill and a new chore, where common senisicaly I know it and there is no reason to fear it. Still there sneaks in this half thought, like doubt into me, and flip over my game lol… and so I face trouble and my chore becomes hard and difficult – learning the hard way.

Well this is about giving up on the actual giving up lol… To redefine and live the solution.
What words can be lived instead of doubt and insecurity ? Confidence, self trust, safety, solidity, stability. So that is where I would like to sail inn and dock my ship lol. Into the living of those words.

So doubt is like a slow dying, sinking sand, you could say, neglecting, ignorance, abuse, addiction, suppression, limiting believes and such (…) would possibly lead to insecurity, fear, and doubt.

Looking at the word confidence, it says almost “dance” within it, and I see that there is a memory of me learning to dance from my sister – a point I will open up in this context.
So… this is my process and I will work on what I can and know to get through this and to do that I use self forgiveness. Because I want to live confidence and self trust, security and stability. We all do…

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the polarity of confidence and to think that I can’t measure and I can’t manage the play/dance of my confidence, I must polarize my confidence and bring myself down and into doubt, for not sustaining my confidence/dance/play.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make confidence and doubt a energy/polarity play.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word confidence as I fear to be judged for my dance.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within my subconscious memory where me and my sister is dancing and expressing our self, in front of a mirror, where I fear to show this memory to people and I feel like hiding this like a secret within my subconscious mind thinking my dance is private.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as sinful or obscure, obsessed with sex, because of the daring dance moves I learned from my sister – realizing this is all stored within my definition of “confidence”.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail at my comfortable dance/act and I fail at being confident, and that I fail at my dance, from my crystallized memories of my past, where I make this absolute thing and believe about dances, to be between sexes: him and her from the discotheque when I was young.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dances, like “come – fine – dances”, to be only between sexes, and within that, to make myself inferior in compare to other boys about girls and sex.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with false believes and backchats where I tell myself that “I am not worthy”, “This is out of my league”, “I simply can’t pull my own weight” very sneaking and subtle voices in my head to bring myself down, from confidence, and into self doubt.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to level with self doubt and to think that this is how my life should be, this is me, I am full of doubt, I should just be in doubt, making it into a punishment of old mistakes, and inferiorizing of me.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that of others where I see confidence in them, and then go into comparing me to them.

Self commitment:

  • I commit myself to keep stable within breathing and living as the physical. I commit myself to honor that dance of confidence, to be playish and intrigued, to be interested in me. To give myself time, to introspect me and devote time and energy to myself and make my life 1-st priority so I can be a good example and guide for others.


  • I commit myself to investigate my definition of dancing and expression such, where I commit myself to find solutions to come-find dance(s), to add to my living and my expression and to be more alive.


Day 813 – Who are we within our flue and cold ?



With relating to the cold, flue and viruses that can strike us out. Who are we in such relations ? Is it not important who I am in relations to the flue ? I mean what are my honest thoughts about the flue when I am not having it ? And what are my thoughts when having it ? Is my body longing for the “break” of having a flue with just spending mushy time in my bed ? Do I actually long for a day of break from work/school ? Can that attract flue to me from how I want it and need it ? What is it that the flue does to our overall experience ?

I look at myself in these questions and I do relate to the spending mushy time in bed with just relaxing experience, that is something I would desire and for me to experience – from time to time. So in that way I have a attraction to the sickness experience…. fascinating huh ?

Our body is communicating with us all the time. And a flue is one of those ways, for our body to tell us and direct us. To literally upgrade us, in the common experience of being human. That in itself is highly interesting and may cause a attraction in itself – to have that upgrading and realizing experience.

I will release some points within me with the tool of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need the flue and to have a cold simply because of longing for staying in bed all day and just being intimate with me sleeping staying warm and relaxed, and that I would long for this relaxing experience from how I in general stress and move to fast in my normal day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not have a flue every so often simply because I would long for the message, the realization and upgrading my body would give me, from me taking on a flue/cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think positive or negative about the flue but rather, take caution and touch in on the upgrading that is taking place in the total mass of humanity in equality and oneness, from the flue in the village where I live, in the community in the world and to see, and read what mind systems, what sounds and physical effects and upgrades is taking place, study it, and realize so.

Here are some interviews about the flue : deeply recommend to check them out: