Tag Archives: mind

Day 773 – Anger – why me

A few days ago I was facing some anger points at my doctors office. I was going to the doctor, for a appointment, to have my shot, and to talk about my medications. A regular thing.  I had made the mistake of creating expectations of how and what it was going to be like at the doctors.

 

At the doctor’s office the play outs where not what was established as expectations within me. First thing for me to react on was the radio in the waiting room. I was annoyed beyond, that it was on and it was broadcasting, playing, and I very much felt bothered by the radio there, that I would judge as not needed for at all. Like surface talk and cozy-talk and you know those talks on the radio that does not mean fuck all they just talk to try to give you a false sense of worth and moment. Man was that not right for me then. I was called in to my doctor, and I would shake his hand as customary.

 

Later I was also angry because I was not getting my point and my opinion through to my doctor or at least I felt like that, I felt misunderstood, beaten and battered. My expectations where crushed. Why do I keep making them ? On top of this my credit card did not work lol.. so I had to go to a ATM machine to withdraw and come back to pay after my appointment. It was a very upsetting experience all together. It was like little explosions and grim faces in my head, anger faces pictures and experiences in my head/mind.

 

Later when I was leaving the doctor’s office, and also looking back,  I would see more clearly how I was going into anger. I could like take a step back within, and look into myself being in anger, both in the moment and later, and I would ask myself why and am I so mad, this is not real, why, why…? Like the experience I had of being in anger was not real. Out of the body experience and witnessing myself inn reactions from without as it was playing out. Seeing how I hurt myself with anger, like a movie, a very strange experience, feeling helpless then in the moment but soon starting to forgive the experience as I left the office and headed home.  So my mind played me for a fool and I was upset up by my suppressed fear. It was not pleasant – and it was not real.

So my whole going to the doctor experience was very unpleasant and rather sad all summoned  together. I know that anger has its origin in fear, and I would have this particular fear of being left out of the cool crowd since I take my medications. Anger has its root in fear and it is really fear being energized and pushed and channeled. If you truly want to understand anger the links below are priceless.

Luckily I know that there is lots of support on eqafe.com for anger. There is a in particular a specific self forgiveness file with words to read to self or to be read for. I recommend that one. If you purchase this product there is two items for you to download, a written paper to read and a sound file to listen to. If you get this product I can recommend to read the self forgiveness sentences loud to self – to play with sounding the words. And also to just relax – lay down on a sofa and be with your body while listening to the self forgiveness spoken.

 

Also … just go to the search bar in eqafe.com and write in whatever thing that weigh  in on your heart.  It is worth to check out and it have assisted me greatly though the years.

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this is also one of the many products about anger on eqafe.com:

https://eqafe.com/p/why-does-anger-exist-atlanteans-support-part-72

 

Enjoy  eqafe.com and enjoy breathe

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 771 – the cereberus of schizophrenia – mind storage

 

Being schizophrenic I bear 3 or 4 minds. That is right. 3 or 4 minds (!) that always wants its own demand and piece of the cake; the physical &  the being. 3 minds that together have a core and design (that I currently see as self judgment/rebars/metal – from my programing of being) locked in their position and placement within my mind/total self experience (see drawing)   3 personalities, and one mind (4rth) who controls or governs the other 3. From my programming/schizophrenia I have learned that all these (4 minds) wants to be in control of the totality of me/minds/physical/being. And they fight for it. They have a war inside my head over being the supreme mind… a psychosis/possession. Like a Cerberus that we know from In Greek mythology (see picture)

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this is how schizophrenia is experienced to millions of people

 

Mind as they are, are  energy systems. They are energy and they depend on more energy. If I can delete my addiction to energies, I can free myself from my Cerberus/Schizophrenia/mind and the minds control. This is easier said than done. But;  It can be done if I work on the very finest of therapeutic and curative care: self forgiveness. Together with being aware of my physical, living words, there is a fuck-load of applications that have been developed and cultivated by desteni during the years. The finest of psychology, behaviorism, self awareness and self healing tools/applications.

 

You see I have schizophrenia and… schizophrenia is a particular design. Like a recipe. It have been placed onto me before I was born. Why ? Long story , but if you ask me private, I can share with you why I am schizophrenic.

Studying the core elements and foundations of being human, sound, life, energy, mind, consciousness, light, dark, colors, darkness, polarity, emotions, time, space, the physical, the being, earth, relations, empowerment, self forgiveness, responsibility, money, words, animals, the universe, quantum and so on… this is some of what I have been studying the last 5 years.

You see I ask question with my living, question everything, I realize that for the world to change : I need to change. There is no other way. I want there to be responsibility, forgiveness, purpose, empowerment, real care, prosperity, life support, equality, oneness, honesty, solutions, peace and freedom and so on… for all life on this earth and I will not stop what I am doing before I see this is taking place. It boils down to equality and oneness – what is best for all.

 

So what I question myself is how to make my schizophrenia livable and to something less of pain and burden to myself. Well there is a lot of therapeutic tools  and  things I can enjoy and savor to do. Like drawing. Expressing, vlogging, blogging, studying and reading. I very much like reading a good book  – so I do that. I read a good book or a good blog. Or I write a post to myself like this. It might sound simple, but to many it takes some to actually do it, and in boredom and mental despair they end up drinking and doing porn… etc, etc, etc.

It is about becoming physical, and to nurture from there the being and by that math to stand, eternal, equal and one to all and everything, without bias and without judgment  – because you/I have embraced it and forgiven it; as self and made it part of self. Just like neo in matrix – he becomes it all… he takes 100% responsibility and does not separate self from anything (!) else. Not the lady in read, not money, not imaginations,  quite simply no separation it is all one and self… do you see where I am at ? Because thinking and thoughts is per definition a separation. It is a sabotage of self. So bring everything back to self and forgive. You would be amazed of the power you have and the qualities you possess. Physical is always stronger than mind. It is you and me as physical awareness, self direction and self honesty that can ultimately become the drivers and creators of our own living.

 

Again to stand equal and one hand in hand with all human beings. Maybe that is not your cup of tea ?  So we all have quite some layers of programming to deal with. We all have things in our lives that possess us, again self forgiveness is key – to become physical.

So for me to walk with schizophrenia is quite challenging. Luckily I live in Norway where I have care and support from a welfare state – that nobody have ever seen before – it is that good.  It makes sure I can walk a healing process, and have a life in decency – no luxury but a decent living. So I can make and share such a picture of my schizophrenia – to make it less terrifying to me who lives with it.

 

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drawing of my minds

 

If you are wondering and have questions please drop me a line

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 765 – To much help ?

With walking my desteni I process, being a living breathe on this earth with applying the tools that is offered generously by the desteni – group… I have come to realize a sneaking pattern within my mind and living experience. So I already mention that desteni offers allot of solutions. Assistance for self to apply. Like self forgiveness, breathe awareness, self honesty, self trust, self responsibility, physical awareness, living words and so on. These are some of the main pillars and tools/applications that is offered by desteni. Like you can see they are many.

 

And this point of the assisting tools being many my mind have used against me. Like my mind would project out a picture and “feeling” like all these components like a rack, stacked on top of each other… unorganized and very chaotic. Like a big mess. Make a big deal of a small point – which of mind is a expert lol…

 

One more time: my mind would try to use the multitude of assisting tools to tell me and convince me to discard and sort of give up my assisting applications, by telling me they are chaotic and unorganized. Like a mess of help lol.

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So… ” Mind is a beautiful servant but a dangerous master” – Osho

 

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Mind will work (if allowed) against life. Against me. So I must find ways to not give mind place/room/space within me – by using my applications – by being physical. I must not fear or hate my mind, simply take charge of it. It is not done over night.

 

So this is a point for me to look into. The word “organized” also the multitude of things and applications that I have. Question is if take them for granted ? Do I take my assisting tools for granted ? What do I take for granted in my living ?  Important questions to ask self.

Thanks for reading

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 762 – I am GATVOL of fear

I decide today that : I am GATVOL of fear

“Gatvol” I learn is africaan and it means “no more”

I decide to not allow myself going into fear. Instead I become here with myself, looking within myself, sensing and being aware of myself, within of my body, in self honesty.

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Fear makes us angry – let’s NOT be angry !

Fear and anger is the opposite of solution.

 

Here is two awesome links to investigate:

https://eqafe.com/p/why-is-the-world-becoming-angrier-heart-of-matter

https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-fear

 

Instead for feeding my mind with energies and reactions, “what if” – kind of thinking and paranoia.

I say till here no further. GATVOL with fear. Fear is a imagination – it is a lie.

I have been corrupting myself enough with “what if thoughts”, fear and imaginations of mind.

Instead I will be here with myself supporting myself and living self honest. And I will secure it with living words. Living words like; intimacy, support, genuine, honesty, guide, deep, gentle, stable, calm etc.

 

So… if I face situations that can seen stressful or reactive. I stop, and I breathe… perhaps I close my eyes for a second. I move within to self support. I embrace the situation and live and act in self honesty.

 

If everyone could do this and drop the fear… THAT is real change…

wooooow… what a potential !

Are you ready for this kind of world change ?

 

Let’s join teams !

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

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Day 760 – My voices in my head

A relationship between me and my voices

 

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drawing by:  Tormod Hvidsten Gjedrem

 

This is very clinical about my voices*

 

I realize that I have been living a pattern. A particular pattern concerning my thoughts/backchats/voices. Many times I have experienced voices and “loud” thoughts. Sometimes I experience these as very scary messages. They come from within myself and is a direct result of my schizophrenia/programming. They are my responsibility to handle, heal and/or live with.

It can be tough sometimes. Here; it is my relationship to the word “tough” that I need to look at, to not fuel the mind and the voices further. I hope you get the picture. Feel free to contact me if you don’t.

 

A peculiar thing is that have characterized my voices like saying that this particular voice is “scary”, or it is “bad” or “evil”. I would give energies/characterization and fuel/power to the voices/thoughts, by sorting them out to myself. I would give this voice the characterization of horror or hell, wicked, spiteful  or evil …. and so on.

 

What I have not seen and realized before now is that,  by characterizing and giving the voices energy/verdict, I give them fuel. I grant them access in my mind and in my head through energies. Voices in  my head – granted to be there – acting out because I gave them the specific energy to burn with, like fuel on a engine. Running crazy in my head with voices – because I give the voices a certain energy, by characterizing it.

This buck stops right here !

I will stop feeding my voices/thoughts with energies. I don’t need to characterize my voices, rather deal with them in self honesty, self responsibility and what is best for all. I will expose my schizophrenia and share what I find. I will support myself through this process as best I can.

 

self forgiveness on the point :

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give voices and thoughts in my head and in my mind certain energies and characterizations, like a value or fuel for the thought/voice to be and function in my head, of how I experience it out of my pre programming, and then giving it a purpose with how I place value on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize why I have voices in my head, I had forgiven them, failing to see and realize that I judged and characterized the voice that was in my head and by that fueling it more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to characterize my voices out of how I am programmed to value, judge and criticize everything around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to appreciate me here, and Instead give into energies and voices in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-lie-ve that I have to attach value to my voices and to characterize them, from old habit,  when this only fuels them with more power.

 

 

self commitment:

I commit myself to not give judging or characterization to my voices, as it will only fuel more voices in my head.

I commit myself to appreciate me here as life and to not “feed” my thoughts/voices with energies.

my video on this point:

 

Thanks for reading !

 

Please give time to the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 757 – How I found desteni: Part 2

Part 2

continued from : part 1

 

I was first introduced to the demonology forum. This might sound scary, but we are serious about what energies and possession can do. Realize that “possessions” is what a hospital/doctor would call “psychosis”. Since I have been carrying schizophrenia and having lost of energy addictions, it was natural for me to start at demonology forum. It was logical for me, with my condition of illness. I was guided there and shown some basic structures of mind, thought, what therapy and resonance to apply. The origin and psychology. Common sense and responsibility. Thing is that I was so loooong gone corrupted of slaving to energies, I was simply very, very fucked after many years of drugs and addictions. I had to realize that I am the system, I am responsible, within my mind, my being, my body and myself breathing, something like a human. This would make up a system that is me. So within so without.  I had to take responsibility for me being me. For me accepting and allowing myself to participate, in a world of abuse.

 

 

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Two things in particular was crucial for me to grasp. One thing was to build up and write my own self forgiveness sentences. That was not as easy as it sounds lol and there were some newbie  strange attempts to do so in the beginning. So it was rather challenging to learn the writing and spelling of self forgiveness. I have been half way a dyslectic, and to be comfortable with writing have been challenging.

 

The second thing that I found challenging was to see the difference between feelings and emotions. I would think that feelings is the high and emotions is the low, of a wave of energies. Just like that. It took me some time to see  the clear difference of the two. To come to terms with that feelings is one thing and emotions is another thing. This was hard for me to grasp. My programming was so hard wired it would refuse this awareness.

 

 

Gradually I started to speak self forgiveness to myself, and this was the big innovation of me. Like going backwards, finding my own innocence. Becoming physical, forgiving the great mind enslavement.

 

And there was lots to study within this new me. Equality and oneness. Who are we really as humans ? What is our origin ? Why are we here ? Why is there abuse/war ? All these questions and many more is found within the language and writing of desteni.org

 

It is a waste database of knowledge and investigation to see and study. To listen to Bernard Poolman on YT. To hear his words and to see what he would see. To not believe the portal but take it all into consideration and just hear it and then apply it, within the system of self. The messages of desteni.org  is a very practical and common sensical message. It is sanity and what is best for all. It is what this world is literally screaming for.

 

For me with schizophrenia, desteni.org was through the portal able to show me what is schizophrenia, and how to best deal with it. Now be clear we are not doctors at desteni.org, we are ordinary people investigating life/dimensions. I have been able to reduce and marginalize my schizophrenia with the tools taught to me at desteni.org  In particular the self forgiveness have been of great support, and I have deleted lots of bother within me – physically/interdimmensjonally/of mind. I have gained lots in practical terms, of where I am and how I live. Also self honesty, self trust, self responsibility, self aware, consideration, regard, living words…. the list goes on and I am truly grateful and humble to be. With the tools of desteni.org I saved my life. I am still puzzling myself together.

 

So who every YOU are – desteni.org holds something truly unique to offer you and your living. From my experience I would not waste a second more – but get right on it and start the process to walk – to make it a good world for us all. We are the system(s). Lets walk into equality and oneness – for what is best for all.

 

Thank you for reading

 

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 753 – more on the word: organized

more on the word: organized

 

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a continuation from blogs:

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2017/01/19/day-742-living-the-word-organized/

&

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/day-749-becoming-more-of-me-expanding-through-living-words/

 

 

today I redefine this word again :

 

organized: have a certain structure, to keep it neat and uncluttered and also to have comfort within ones environment.

I today take on this word, within. A new process opens up with walking with words more on my insides – letting words guide me within, and sorting out more of my thoughts and emotions.  so I can birth life from my physical, meaning I can be a example in my own flesh / body for other people to see and realize/wake up within them self/mind, to live more fulfilling living for what is best or all in equality and oneness.

 

I have been walking now with this word organized for quite some time, and I have grown within this word. I notice that I take my time with such a word and I don’t know if it is because I jump to other words to fast, and act within being unorganized. Or if I simply needed to take that time. I guess it is a  mixture of both.

 

I now see opportunities and possibilities as well as response – abilities open up for me with walking with this word on my inside. I find this very interesting and fun to see with my real – eyes. To be intimate (into – me – I – see) with my body.  I think I will take this gradually and really mature within this word.

I go through my day with all sorts of things going on within my mind. Self judgment and certain emotions like angst, or depression,  and I take out and look at how I can live this word organized in such a relation to disturbances like emotions.

My mind is a reflection of me. If I am in my nature grounded, stable, firm and  organized, THEN my mind with be the same in return – to me. It is basic math, that goes to prove the equal and one relationship that one have to develop within ones being (body).  I make most of these realizations from working physical with my body. That is where I nurture my awareness – the  most.

 

Meaning …….. you might not have seen the last definition yet !

 

For more living words and how-to see : SOUL

 

 

other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

enjoy breathe !