DAY 877 – Toxicity

How am I toxic to others?

I wonder how I am, or how I can be toxic to others. This concept has been on my mind for some time now. It is a worry of sorts. It is also assuming things of another. (Remember: never ass u me)

We know today that the latin word for virus is translated to toxin and poison. So one can say that we have a world of people being toxic to each other. Aka virus.

So, yet deeper what does poison and toxin mean today in my world? It can be toxin in my food, in the air and in the water I drink. But one place we forget or refuse to look is in our thoughts and our believes of mind.

How can my own thoughts be toxic to me? Here we can open a door for some real self honesty.

Be my guest. I stand to support.

“Being toxic” is like imperfection of self. That is my core definition that I live by.

So if I care for my food and my air and my water, what else can I do to live less toxic?

I can FORGIVE all the poisonous structures and patterns in me that make me think toxic thoughts. So I start by looking at what type of polarity is representing the thought? Once I have identified the thought (construct), I look for what sort of subconscious drive that is pushing it. This means what sort of BELIEVE is behind it. Then I can start to forgive my way out of the worry and fear – that I might be toxic to others.

Off Corse I might still be toxic to some people – but that is on them. I will rather mind myself to find who is, or might be toxic to me and then take action to end the toxicity being created in me.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might be toxic to others in my world, where I fear that there are people thinking bad thoughts about me and that dislike me, while this all can be traced back to me feeling alienated because of things such as embracing my diagnosis, or feeling old guilt from my past, and from this I create toxicity within me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to shift the focus and responsibility from me to others where I try to make them scapegoats, because I do not want to address it, I basically reject the whole thing and refuse to take responsibility for the concept of being/feeling toxic.

When and as I see myself thinking or focusing on toxicity, I stop, I take a deep breath and I calm myself down, and I realize that I need to dump of / sweat out / forgive /abandon – stuff/ people/ habits that are toxic to me. I commit myself to investigate further what it is that is calling on my attention of something being toxic in me. (It could be coffee…lol)

I realize that there might be people or specific situations or other type of stimuli that are alarming me of something being toxic. I commit myself to keep a eye on myself and my habits to find out what is happening to me and if there are something I can or need to do to change it.

This might be as simple (?) as to much coffee, but anything like this deserves my full attention, as I strive for a better self and a healthy life.

Anyways we all know a bit more on relations of poison, toxicity, virus and imperfection.   

Thank you for reading

Day 861 – Transforming

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the urging feeling  of needing to break free from the old system – the old me – like a chicken bursting through the egg – like I need for it to crack and open for me, I need the newness and the change of matter – I need to see the creation of a better world – and I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not understood and taken into me this nagging addiction – just before breaking free– the come/calm down  – from mind obsession and addiction to polarities of the old self and system –  that have held me down and it is this urging of some new grand awaking and change I would like so much to see – again that is bringing up the addiction to mind pattern – like I am now going cold turkey on my mind addiction.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to fully take in and realize that – grasp of air,  to confirm to self that when there is something new and birthing, there is equally something old and dying – with every start there is an end – and this tells me that we need to keep moving in circles – and not in pyramids – that is for sure, I and this is cementing and making my standing and integrity more firm and clear – as a point of stamina to self and life – again that pyramid structure and hierarchy is dying and the circle, cooperation, ecology, and  the equality is here sprouting.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the dying process to suppress the part of me that is dying (the parts don’t die of suppression) – where I rush through to the birthing of the new life – celebration – that I expect to come, and I forget that I have process of dying also to care for – within and as myself – similar to strengthen my strengths and also strengthen my weaknesses.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the itching, urging, and irritating newness that is like a ich on my skin – a combination of letting go of the old and then at the same time embracing the new,  like the season of spring bursting out new and green (spring here in south west Norway) and I feel this itch and scratch like I am drying out from having been frozen, wet and cold by winter – now heating up and realizing – seeing new ground – within myself.

 

Give time to: https://desteni.org/

Photo by “My Life Through A Lens” on Unsplash

Day 856 – snippet of unpacking self

 

Hi Tormod ! How are you doing?

Oh…. doing mostly ok. There are some points that “itch” me but I am working on it

Ok can you unpack that a little bit?

Sure

So, I think like; since there still is issues in our world – that means that there is still (supposed) to be points of humanity and me to walk – to forgive within self.

And I ponder in this “supposedness”:

who came first: the chicken or the egg? (problem/solution or the solution/problem)

And I am equally reminded by an old Giger picture I would like (yes, the artist H.R. Giger) AND also: “Heavens Journey to Life” – blog – that the chicken and the egg came….

at the SAME TIME – it was and is like time stood still in that moment – they came at the same time – here lol!

So, this makes me ponder some more

and brings me to realize some dimensions  of HOW to bring all that which is “bad” about the world – back to self – to equalize and end my reactions to it – because it is my reacting to it – that keeps it there, my suppression, judging, blaming, fearing, assuming, projecting, hating, desiring, hoping, loving…(my feeling, emotions, thoughts & systems of mind) that I hold to a certain dimension and that keeps the world there…. at status Q.

So, I need to bring the reaction/noise/tension of it back to self

I can recommend to check out “Reptilian” # 340 and at least further to # 345 – they deal with some issues about this and about leadership.

https://eqafe.com/p/crick-in-your-neck-reptilians-part-340

when I say bring it back to self – I mean with self-forgiveness and realization/understanding

awesome short play here T – man

grateful

You will see in self-honesty the pattern within self that needs to be worked: I can recommend pen & paper to see like example: STARVATION

So how do I, Tormod, (who is well fed most any time) relate to STARVATION – that I see in the news ?

Who am I as STARVATION?

How do I live/practice starvation: within myself?

Like do I starve my artistic side? Do I give my creation of pictured art (of what I usually enjoy lots) enough room?

Am I allowing my mind and its system to exploit and starve my physical body – my own resources?

 

Or am I starving the pictured artist/creativity in me? What are the blocks that are keeping me back from expressing with arts?

Or why do I allow my mind to exploit my physical – through desires, love, hate, fear etc.

Such can the dimension of STARVATION of self be viewed – if there is energies and systems running in this : forgive it – realize self as the solution – check self and understand who you are within it,  and WRITE A BLOG ABOUT WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH – THE WHOLE STORY – SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM YOU !!

That is how we change the world – from within self:  one by one. Show others what you have been showed.

Look within – breathe – there is nothing but solutions.

desteni

 

Day 855 – self worth mathematics

Photo by Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash

 

A thing about me, that I would like to make very clear, like “Chumbawamba” would sing it in 1997, is that I often find myself low, in emotion, in lesser then, ostracized, as an outsider – when meeting and working with people, where I would need to express myself, to participate, I would be expected to express myself, and in these moments I would as a common denominator start the expression of me – by me being inferior. I would start down low in emotion. This stemming from a pattern in my childhood of how my expression was not seen or valued – I would then as a child start to judge my expression and slowly poison and abandon myself and the part of me that still was this innocent expression – so I would then poison and abandon a part of my expression –  a part of me.

So… in most situations, I find myself in lesser then, and I have made it my thing, like I know it is to millions out there – to then seek approval and acceptance from other people. I would look at them and seek permission and acceptance and allowance for me to feel good about myself. For me to feel self-worth and self-appreciation. I would look at the other person, and then imagine that I can allow myself to feel love, worth and appreciation – from them accepting me – needing the others imagined grant. I think to myself that I need to feel appreciation and self-worth only in my perceived and imagined acceptance and approval form the other.

It is quite the fuckup, agree?!!

Like I need to feel self-worth – depending on the other. There is nothing wrong with being loved or accepted and appreciated by others – but I sure would like for us to see the basic common sense in that this state of being must come from within the physical being of self. If not, it would not exist at all. Again – the mind is a smart trap to make life difficult.

So, I take it on myself to start to live more the words “self-worth”, and “self-love”, because I deserve it and because I need to be able to express this on my own, no matter what I think and believe others might think or perceive of me.

So again, a reminder to live the words self-worth and self-love from the physical within me – because what I think or imagine that other see me as – is nothing but mind games, and in that I stand inferior. So, time to stand up and be of physical self-worth and self-awareness.

Some self-forgiveness to go:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need another person to be able to stand on my own.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison and abandon a part of me from me, where I would abandon myself from my own self-expression, and start to reject myself as this childlike expression.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and judge this particular childlike expression – that is still me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must first lower myself and pity myself, judge myself to then seek approval and seek permission to be worthy and to feel loved – from how I experience myself in imagined relation to another where I feel I must have their permission to be.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be –  is to crumble myself down down into the abyss of me – to find myself crippled and scared and hurt, for me then to seek approval from others to stand up, to rise and shine, to seek approval from others for me to feel loved and to feel appreciated.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the  resistance and the noise – reaction within my mind when I think that I have to be the low down dirty schizophrenic and that I am an outcast and that is how that is – where I feel like I need to seek approval and acceptance from others to be valued and loved. I would need others energy/feeling for me to then sense and feel that ok now I can love myself, now I can appreciate myself, now I can feel worth – because such is granted to me, from my imagination, of the other person.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on another to seek approval of being me – to be able to have a life and to be worthy in my own flesh and being.

I commit myself to live self-worth in the real time moments when working with others.

I commit myself to strengthen my stand as self-support to be real as the physical being of me to give myself that honnor and self-worth.

I commit myself to find myself as that poisoned and abandoned kid and to embrace that kid as myself unconditional and to love that part of me – my innocence and my physical – to give life to life. That is true self forgiveness and true self-worth.  

Investigate:  desteni

Day 829 – worst case scenario

 

Photo by JR Korpa on Unsplash

..

So I was inspired to write about this point of worst case scenario. Meaning what of my past, my history could I possibly see that could haunt me to this day ? What from my past could possibly if ever, have a effect, a consequence or a worst case scenario to play out in my life today or in the future ?

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have and see a certain consequence to play out, a worst case scenario to happen to me…… that would be very unpleasant to my experience and it would be uprooting to say the least, where I see that the chances for this playing out is lesser than tiny and still it lingers in my back, like a glow in the dark, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really come to terms with;  if such “worst case scenario”  should go down, and occur to me, then I simply have to deal with that then. If shit should come down on me, then I simply have to stand and face that – in such relations, and make the best of my situation. Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to run the worst case scenario over and over again in my mind, in fear and distrust that would simply drain me of energy and make me depressed.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at other people’s lives – where billions of beings suffer today, and I fear to end up like them, suffering, starving, hurting, and in abuse.

Where in I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to fully trust myself that my past is forgiven, it is done, it holds no more power over me, I can lower my shoulders and breathe, and fully and completely trust my own self forgiveness, my integrity, and realize that I am the maker and baker of my reality, through the words I live and express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my past deeds, thoughts and actions could have been of such a alarming degree and level that consequences from that point is inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to suffer badly from who I was in the past, where in this I realize that I am that suffering today as I have not yet completely forgiven myself there is still something that lingers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need that something to linger for me to motivate myself and “putt fire under my ass” – to move where I see that I have been living this believe that is how things are, and to think that is how my life is meant to play out and I have to settle with that – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see and really consider in detail and self trust, how I need to settle myself – clear and clean without that fear of consequences, and fear of any scenario that is going to play itself out.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 633 – Fear of starting my own business

fear is a illusion

 

self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to start my own company where I give into thinking I would do something wrong with the papers or I would somehow fail and loose my money with my company and I would somehow fail to run my company and end up like a clown. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the paranoia of feeling alone and left out in the cold to do my business, thinking I would have to grow greedy, corrupt and cheat on taxes to manage my company and have a income.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to do something illegal with my company and to end up like a criminal, without or with knowing it, and then face jail or punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my idea of entrepreneurs as greedy and corrupt that I am programmed with from being very young, throughout my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that now I do exactly like I would fear from being very young, and that I am somehow going against myself and my own programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not yet experienced enough and I should learn some more about finances or data programming or healthcare, where I give into this fear that I will not be successful and always drag with me this fear and this idea of myself as handicapped and schizophrenic and not able to run a business by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think on the opposite side of this polarity that I am special and schizophrenic and I should there for be able to run a company and there for be more successful and creative with my company.

 

self correction

When and as I see myself fearing to run my own company. I stop myself. I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I am taking measures to be better prepared to run a company of my own, and I realize that I will walk the miles to do what must be done with a company. I realize that I have to be structured and organize to run a company. I realize I may have to imply some new routines.

I commit myself to listen to advise from other that are skilled with running a business, and I commit myself to imply their ideas to my life.

I commit myself to listen more and to do a thoroughly job with my  company within the field of psychology/psychiatry.

Day 613 – Taking control of my schizophrenia – working with personalities.

I want to help with putting a end to suffering from mental disorders (schizophrenia). User experience and exposure are keys to do this. Learning and un-learning psychology are ways to get there. I will make my schizophrenia understood by all people. To end the mystification and blurry/taboo reputation and rumors of mental suffering and schizophrenia. I want my schizophrenia to be understood by anyone.

I want to leave it a bit open, also, and not carve it in stone, the individual definition of oneness diagnosis must be left open to the individual. We are all different human individuals, and our experiences are different.

Schizophrenia :

Schizophrenia is essentially when personalities of your mind / consciousness starts embodying itself into behaviour all at the same time, so you have for example 2 / 3 different personalities trying to ‘live themselves out’ in the body at the same time causing much inner conflict. Whereas with most people in this world, the personality systems of their mind / consciousness are more ‘controlled’ in the sense that one personality at a time will activate that they will then embody and then live out dependent on where they are / with who they are. – Sunette Spies

https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia

My mind is designed a bit different than other peoples minds. My mind is constructed with some particular hooks to pull me back into the mind if I try to “wonder”. This design comes from my parents experience of me when I was a fetus.

So… since my mind is wired differently my personalities are more easy triggered and “loose” sort of. With other people the personalities are more stabile in the mind experience and in the physics or how they live and how they act/react and I experience life.

My personalities are more loose and then, the more important it is to be physical aware. Since psychology is failing and creating illness.

My schizophrenia is : How more than one personality is trying to play out at once, and then also my mind is wired a bit different. In very short terms.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my schizophrenia have it’s way with me and experience conflict within and simply because that is how schizophrenia is; I expect it over and over again failing to realize that I can change and take control of my life myself from learning and unlearning and forgiving my experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let schizophrenia take control of my life for many years, actively making my life difficult within many personalities trying to be me, and providing me with stress, voices, backchats and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take control of my life and my schizophrenia today and to take back control of my life and my being and to not let my schizophrenia control me but to have myself controlling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that from here on my schizophrenia will be controlled by me and I would think my life will change for the better as I will be able to realize and live my fullest potential to a further degree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can suit my schizophrenia to suit me and to be my tool sort of, and to help research and learn other people about schizophrenia, and prevent suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that through working on personalities I become an expert on personalities, and I am able to direct, shape and make the best of different situations where I take part inn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my schizophrenia into a more understandable unit or design, base on my experience of it and my ability to shape and design my schizophrenia to be understood by more people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crate and shape my schizophrenia by slowing myself down and being aware of myself and setting my mind into working on making my diagnosis into a unit that is understandable, that people can relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simplify my schizophrenia and thinking I do not take it seriously, it is simply that I want to be understood and prevent other people ending up in suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this is a real breakthrough on the science of schizophrenia, thinking I am changing this piece by piece in this world/word.

Self commitment:

I commit myself to take on all psychiatry and all polarity and all psychology, and to unlearn it piece by piece and then leave it behind like a empty shell that is no longer needed, when we all have learned psychology and ended the gaming and the addictions and the polarity suffering etc… then we will be more free.

I commit myself to simplify my schizophrenia, so that I control it and it does not control me.

I commit myself to take on all of what psychiatry is and have been to take it apart piece by piece, to expose the abuse and help people to find cures to heal.

I commit myself to teach of my schizophrenia, to anyone willing to listen.

Check out the links & have a nice day !

Yo listen : https://eqafe.com/

The platform of all the fun: http://desteni.org/

Walk the talk: http://desteniiprocess.com/

Lets walk the easy first: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

The program: livingincome.me/

Day – 578 – Living words – Focus

Current allocation:

When I think of this word I think of how I am “in” focus”, like studying words, or a picture, or I am at this sort of state or activity. Like to stare at something. Reading. I think about my car that is a Ford Focus. I think about driving and to have a certain focus on driving, and I think about being at somewhere having my awareness at something like my awareness becomes my focus. I think my awareness is directed to a certain focus. I would think that you need a complete focus when learning something new. I think that focusing on my body have great rewards.

Dictionary definition:

focus;

the centre of interest or activity.

Etymology:

focus (v.)

1775 in optics, “bring into focus” (transitive); 1807 in the figurative sense, from focus (n.). Intransitive use by 1864, originally in photography. Related: Focused; focusing; less commonly focused; focusing.

focus (n.)

1640s, “point of convergence,” from Latin focus “hearth, fireplace” (also, figuratively, “home, family”), which is of unknown origin. Used in post-classical times for “fire” itself; taken by Kepler (1604) in a mathematical sense for “point of convergence,” perhaps on analogy of the burning point of a lens (the purely optical sense of the word may have existed before Kepler, but it is not recorded). Introduced into English 1650s by Hobbes. Sense transfer to “center of activity or energy” is first recorded 1796.

Sounding of this word:

fog – us

fuck – us

(In Norwegian the word få (fo) means to have/take. Grant to self)   = have – us / take us.

The Norwegian word “Frokost”, means breakfast. = “Frokost/breakfast”

Polarity:

I would think of this word as something positive that I would need to push myself to do. I would think that I would need to use energies to have focus. I would think that to have focus I would have to give inn something to sort of exchange my energies or my money or any kind of substance to have focus. I would think that I would need some sort of emotional background to be able to have focus. There would also be hidden fear out of how I would fear to go into a possession from going to deep in my focusing and ending up in a energy possession.

Creative writing:

Focus is something that everyone needs to push through sometimes. Yet it is always here. Focus is for sure needed when learning something new. To have focus is to be determined sort of or to be giving in efforts to be focused could also be drawn into a possession almost. If one is to focused on one detail one could become possessed by this energy. I would there for recommend to combine focus with clarity. And a daily walk. Focus is a great strength the we build, individually, like with a fire place. You build a fire and burn it up. Focus is in the center of the fire, from etymology. Focus is sort of running through our very torus. Focus is like the fire/food that we burn inside our cells in our body and it comes in through our mouth and it leave through the lower part of the body. (pop/pee/sweat). It is smart to have a good focus on oneness own body.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of focus as something that I would not want to participate in because of how it requires something of me, and this effort is within my energies that I would not want to give in sort of out of pure laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only scientist and student focus I do not need to focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focus out of fear what I would see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focus out for fear of facing myself in honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not need to focus someone one else can do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this word, out of fear of going into a possession because of my experience of possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to take on focus out of not knowing what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that focus can also be a activity and not just staring/reading and it can be something further than to us my senses – like it could be a physical activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that focus is either love or not love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that love is a part of focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that focus is almost like honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only humans can focus.

When and as I see myself going into a task or a chore or a activity of any kind. I stop and slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that to focus is like a movement within clarity almost. I realize that both focus and clarity is needed when learning something new. I realize that I would need to have focus to drive and write and to do certain things. I realize that I would need focus to learn and to unlearn. I realize that I can use focus on practical way when learning something new. I realize that focus on my body is like a tube or a vortex stream. I realize that focus is also related to the fire place the love that unites. The universal love. I commit myself to be focused on my task/activity/chore. I commit myself to investigate how to us focus on unlearning. I commit myself to unlearn my old meta data that I do not need. I commit myself to common sense within focusing. I commit myself to live and to use focus on unlearning lots from my past.