Day 870 – patterns of schizophrenic paranoia

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of war within my mind of playing games between my personalities where the one is always after the other and that this war game and chase of myself as different personalities, is how my schizophrenia is rigged and programmed to play itself out and that is what is going on within my mind of 2-3 personalities are constantly chasing each other around and around in my mind – creating a living hell. My solution to this is to forgive the energies that keep me an addict to the personalities/polarities/believes – to release myself from the mind addiction and find myself grounded and aware in my physical body.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in distrust, fear, hate, paranoia and simply tons of emotional bothers that I would hold against my personalities one at the time – where the one lashing out in emotions at others is also a personality, and that is why it seam impossible to get out of.  Within this I realize how difficult it is to find stability within my mind – but I will keep at it – working my way through the schizophrenic labyrinth of hell.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into a state of constant war against myself – with different personalities carrying different traits all part of me – part of my responsibility to sort out because even though it is all fake in the sense of being only feelings and emotions, thoughts, opinions, believes etc – I still have to take responsibility for it as it is me who is reacting to it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for information that I stumble over that make me go into this state of absoluteness and static depression, prostrative, paranoia from taking in different information, and I feel like I can’t get out and I need to talk to someone and lift on my veil – that is my best remedy atm to air out my mind and voice myself on being stuck in my own rut of paranoia.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take on new information that might shake things up a bit that is controversial and that many would say is conspiracy, that might resonate with my own finding of reality and matter, where I often go into this absoluteness and static state and can’t get out of – but force myself to stay in, until my prostrative paranoia breaks loose and I have to seek support in order to vent out my mind. What happens is literally a disaster where paranoia takes over – until I can vent it out and find stability in the sense that we are all in it together and that we are facing consequences not only for ourself but for generations past.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to mystify the words “paranoia is the mother of thought” – where I believe that I belong in that state and awareness, I have to create and nurture in this paranoid state – failing to see that it is  a poisonous (paranoid) state of mind, and that I don’t need to think to be alive – and I see today what I do then, is that I take on the sins of the fathers – I feel guilt and believe I must think my way out of it – and literally take on lots programs from my forefathers and that this math then is the creation of my thoughts aka paranoia that I experience often from reading information and theories that shake things up – like with conspiracy theories, where I realise today, what sort of math these theories operate with is often in concern of past – history – going way back in time to past generations and literally facing the sins of the fathers today, and this resonate also with me and I therefor take it on and place the sins of my forefathers and guilt on myself and this load make me feel depressed, prostrative and paranoid and is a leading cause of my mental problems of today. Within this I find it important to note that a lot of these theories all carry truth to them – its just a matter of knowing who self is and what is self responsibility and what we must let go of as our collective past to be able to create something new.

Day 750 – My personality of uncertainty and doubt

painting by me

 

My personality of uncertainty and doubt.

 

Lately I have been facing, gradually more and more a certain personality of mine. It comes from back in time, where I was asked to investigate the word “uncertain”. Later I left this task and sort of “stacked it away” apparently nowhere.  Today some months later, the character appears again in my mind, it is returning to me from how I had projected it away from me. It is based on ego, and just a “feel good”, on the positive pole, – like don’t worry, but a rather deep sense of insecurity and doubt /paranoia  on the other, negative pole. I would have to feel certain and 110 % sure/secure about anything. I would need to double check everything to be soooo sure about appointments and agreements. It was like paranoia.

 

A full blown personality of polarity !

This personality would act out very hidden, or unseen. Like hiding from chores and tasks. I would avoid communication, and arrangements out of fear of feeling uncertain. Trying to hide from conflict, often by suppressing and making the polarity more potent in both poles equally (basic math)

 

I would notice this personality some time back, but looking at it / noticing it, I would not know what to call it. I would feel uncertain and in doubt about what to call it. lol I did not see until later that the uncertainty and doubt I felt in relations to what to make of it, was it!  It was staring me in the face.

It was so obvious, I could not see it – so I ended up projecting/blaming it on others.

 

I also notice a blame system within here, where I had this particular polarity/personality projected at another person. I could not recognize the personality/uncertainty  as mine, (I felt uncertain about it lol), or as something I had done, so I would judge it and project it elsewhere. I had for a long time projected this character of uncertain onto XX. This is where it is soooooo valuable to bring everything that we/I experience (like projections) back to self. Whatever I see and experience in my world and living, is my responsibility. Whatever thoughts, mind, projections, blame whatever I might bring up, is my responsibility to deal with.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of polarity and live by its design and programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being stuck with a personality construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this uncertainty and this doubt within myself, over time and question everything that I do with suspicion and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become suspicious at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so filled with doubt and uncertainty that I would call it every-day paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so uncertain about any situation, big or small,  that I would literally be very paranoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this polarity/personality onto XX for no other reason than seeing him as weak and little and then placing this with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project fault at the “little man”/ weak person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to myself on why I should be allowed to make that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress within the fact that I projected this at him (XX), and I after this, refuse to take responsibility for projecting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry and sad for discovering  that I was projecting this polarity construct on to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not in control of myself since I was suppressing and denying so badly the fact that this personality of uncertain was mine and not one of XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and “thrive” in the positive energies/ego part of the pole, personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only sometime see that consequences would smack me out of negative pole, basic math of polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the negative consequences and to try to project these also onto others.

 

 

 

Self corrections:

I commit myself to bring things back to myself, to a further and more deep going degree.

I commit myself to live self forgiveness in my breathing/body.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my shit.

I commit myself to use my breathe (and close my eyes) to find stability and calm (self honesty) within to be able to trust myself and to feel certain and stable of what I am doing.

 

Realizations/insight:

– This personality of uncertainty and doubt really started long time ago, and has its roots in paranoia.

– I would fear the paranoia part of it so bad that I would push it away / project it away from me onto XX, who was innocent within this.

– I would suppress and deny being the origin of the polarity, though I see now in clarity that this was my responsibility. I could not see it because it was so obvious.

– I take responsibility for this personality and the projection within so.

– I learn from this how badly I fear thoughts/paranoia.

–  Also I learn how easy it was for me to project this, like subtle blame.

–  I realize how important it is to bring all things back to self.

 

If you seek information and assistance on doubt/uncertainty/anything check out eqafe  – use the search bar for typing in what you seek.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog !

links:

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http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 658 – Daily paranoia

Living with schizophrenia definitely have its challenges. One of my dearest troubles, has to do with leaving my apartment. Every time I leave my apartment either by foot or by car, I go into either more or less paranoia. Either it is a small glimpse of paranoia or it is a more deep going depressive and frustrated paranoia, that last longer.

I have specific fear of leaving my stove on. I can check the stove 2 or 3 times before I leave my house and still having left my house, I feel fear that the house will burn down. So it is definitely a point of self trust. To be able to trust myself no matter what. Myself trust is failing. I have to be able to trust myself like I have to be able to trust other people.

So this constant returning problem I need to work on. It could seam I simply need to trust myself, but I also keep in mind that I am born schizophrenic, and if you do live with schizophrenia you most likely face paranoia now and then. Kind of goes with it.

Within this I bring onto myself the dimensions of paranoia, fearing to burn down the house and loose all my stuff, facing jail, death from the fire etc… real paranoia escalating. Seeing ambulances and priests on my walk thinking I caused great harm, come home to see that the stove is of and cold.

I will try to change myself according to this. I will forgive myself according to this and see where I could do difference to change myself and my experience of leaving my house, and let go of the paranoia.

What is self trust: here

 

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to provide self trust to myself with turning of my stove, leaving before leaving my house, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and paranoia over not trusting myself and falling head on into paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the same paranoia over and over again from seeing the pictures in my head of fire and burning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be responsible for damage and injury.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my stuff in a fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my apartment and for what people would talk about me if I caused a fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face other dimensions within me of paranoia and fear from my history of being young and doing bad things and sabotaging life from programming and being a rebel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand responsible for my past of sabotaging and crime where I fear to be punished and humiliated in public.

 

When and as I see myself about to leave my house. I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I could need to boost myself on self trust. I realize I should tell myself in words, in a slow motion that the house is safe. That the stove is of. Tell myself in calamity and honesty that the house is safe to leave. I commit myself to tell myself in a slow calm fashion, that the house is safe. I commit myself to talk to myself and to share in honesty how my house is safe. I commit myself to use whatever tools I can to avoid paranoia. I commit myself to self communication.

Thanks for reading – enjoy breathe

 

Day 632 – Suicides in psychiatry

Why do we have so many suicides in psychiatry?

What can we do in society to prevent it from happening?

How do we deal with it ?

 

To understand why there is so many suicides in psychiatry, we must understand what difficulties psychiatry and psychological suffering really is. Psychological suffering is a lot of friction, conflict, pain, confusion, paranoia with ones experience of being and drama of mind. Often from memories and trauma. Be it voices or internal conversations or just noise/thoughts. Sounds and pain from anxiety and paranoia. Friction and conflict that cause pain directly in the body. The whole body. Not just the head and mind. The head is just the control center, the alter ego/self, if you like, but most of all a simple control center. The head is to “rule ” the body. The mind is different. But the physiological pain and friction and noise that one experienced metaphysically, from memories and traumas, in oneness body during mental suffering, can take place anywhere – inn the body and you will simply experience it in the head and inn mind consciousness system, as drama, from that specific place/memory of occurrence, be it shoulders, knees, back, hands, chest, etc.. of the body that is reporting errors. Body/system failure, friction or paranoia and so on, from that place in the body that is malfunctioning and in separation from being sane or at ease.

Psychological pain of oneness body that is experienced inn the head and inn the mind, can be typically, memories and trauma from ones past, where one is having noise, friction, pain and confusion, and suffering, within experiencing that memory and trauma over and over again in oneness head/mind from that specific place in oneness body.

One more time. Psychological suffering can come from anywhere in the body. It can typically be a memory locked in the knee. Or in back or in the arms etc. The suffering, pain, conflict and friction comes when that specifically memory is not dealt with properly, it becomes tense, and reaction is born, it needs to be forgiven and embraced in detail.

 

So pain, physical pain and a lot of friction, conflict, disturbances and confusion, fear , paranoia, and so on is very frequent with a suffering mind/person. So suicide is often a easy solution to this. Plain and simple. Hurtful and sad but a clear solution to oneness suffering.

 

Mental suffering comes from friction, pain, conflict, confusion, anxiety, paranoia within a memory or a trauma within oneness body. It can be in the arms, in the feet or in the shoulders etc. At the place where a memory is stored. Somewhere in the body, this misery is noticed by brain and mind, and brain is asked to fix it. Brain experiences then the anxiety, friction and suffering from that place in the body. To think it is the brain that is sick is simply wrong. The mind might be wrong in its design, but that again is the mind, not the brain. The common faith in western world medication of pushing chemical therapy is successful because of placebo. You think it will cure you so it cures you – or at least helps on suffering.

So again why do we have so many suicides in psychiatry? Because of all the pain, and need to relief from pain. Pain from memories and trauma. Being a mental patient can be extremely confusing stressful, fearful, and filled with bad emotions and turmoil’s. It is not a joke and it is not a fun ride. I can understand very well the people who choose suicide. I am not a shamed over saying that euthanasia should be a option to people who have no progress and little chance of improvement. Euthanasia is a solution, in the worse cases. Keeping people alive against their will can be simple torture.

 

I am not a fan of suicide and I do think there is a chance of improvement for all beings no matter how dark it may seem. But it is up to the individual itself to want this. To want to live. Self forgiveness can be a life – long process.  Anyone can walk with self forgiveness it is the best method to use. To develop self communication, but you have to walk it yourself.

So we have suicides in psychiatry because of mental suffering. And physical pain. It is all locked into addictions, trauma, memories and friction, personalities, conflicts and internal war and paranoia. Sooner or later we face our self and our thoughts. It is eventually – after death, it is all our thoughts that will judge us. We will be judged by our thoughts from this life, if it is not forgiven. I suggest to learn to stop thinking, not from drinking or drugging but with self honesty, without fearing thoughts and with self communication and self forgiveness. The best cure in town.

 

What can we do in society to prevent suicide from happening or at least deal with it ?

First of all we need to recognize how memories are stored in the body. This can be taught. It is up to the individual to want it. It is not just the brain that is sick, it is the whole body from memories. This awareness is important to learn in life to be able to be self honest and to be responsible with self.

Second of all we need a new level of trust to be added to psychiatry. I have been a swing door patient for 10 years in psychiatry. Any doctor (there have been many) have hardly ever touched in on my old trauma from being a young boy. Hardly ever. I had to break with psychiatry to work on it. To see it. To deal with my trauma. So we need a new level of trust in psychiatry. That trust can come with the awareness of oneness physical and ones awareness of how memories are stored in the body. This we know – specific and accurate. If you wonder how this work – please contact me or investigate: http://desteni.org/

 

Open dialogue changed my life, open dialogue meetings work and are improving mental health with every meeting. Open dialog works – lets use it.

Also people with user experience must be allowed into the patients program and schedules. The so called environment of the patient. Here we must be flexible and think again over what chances and opportunities we have.

Like I said it is all stored in the body. Physical work out and exercise is important. Yoga and massages, of self and others, is a must. To have a hobby is also very vital, like drawing, painting or knitting. Something to distract the thoughts. Thoughts is really self sabotage. Thoughts and thinking is separation from self and it is a tinny, tinny, tinny, destruction of self. You can learn the design of thoughts; here. Don’t fear thoughts, but learn what it really is.

So how can we as society handle suicides ? I would suggest to allow euthanasia to people who want it, people who have no recovery or will or progress at all. Secondly to those that want to live, I would say we need to change psychiatry in its totality into a more holistic direction. We need more knitting, painting and physical activity. More swimming, hiking and self forgiveness. More acting out, role plays and social happenings, performance and playing. More writing (!) and sharing ones story. Like, Ida Storm – from Norway, who documented here experiences with psychosis and psychiatry, with a video camera. And then later it is a documentary film. Like I do write this blog about my life. Sharing on youtube and on soundcloud – my life. More sharing ones honest story and perspectives to the public awareness. Exposing and sharing truth. Getting the experience and solutions out there.

 

How do we deal with how we have suicide in society ?

It is simply sad, and should be prevented. Dare to be a friend and a talking partner. Don’t wait for that conversation, take action and make it happen. We all face difficulties in our lifetime within our mental health. It is time we share with our children the thing we know of psychology – to give them a buffer – prevention against psychological suffering and drama. We can do better. None of us can save the world alone, but if we all do our share we can have a soooo much better life here on this earth. We need to start investigating what is here. In honesty.

Open dialogue, group sessions, works (!!) lets use this Finish model. Lets include more people with user experience directly in psychiatry and give real therapy, like art, crafts and activities.

 

Psychiatry still have ways to go to become more holistic oriented. Lets walk it together. Please contact me for questions, coffee and talks. You can simply drop me a comment. Have the nice day.

 

 

Day 581 – Who is fooling who at the health shop?

I was walking around in town the other day, heading for a health shop to use a gift card I was given at Christmas. I was listening to music from my IPhone. I was enjoying myself but there was this little thing in the back off my mind bothering me. The idea that I should be obsessed with emotions or that: if I already was obsessed with emotions, and I would not be in control of myself no more. And that if I let my emotions run the show, I am no longer in charge of myself and what I did. The mind takes over. This thought was bothering me. I was listening to some up spirit music. Funny enough, I was dancing in the streets.

I entered into the supermarket and headed over to the escalator while dancing, and followed it up to the upper part of the supermarket coming up from the escalator with a pose to play electric guitar. Air – guitar is for free by that way, – remember that. Still I had this thought in the back of my head that emotions are going to run me over, sort of paranoia.

I did some brief dancing and made a little scene as I moved toward the health shop I had in my plan to visit. I came into the health shop and I said, “Hi: how are you doing” to a man that was in the store and managing it. He was at work. I reached out my hand to greet him, and I wanted to shake his hand. This slight little paranoia was still present within my way back in my mind. He bluntly replied that “I do not want to shake your hand, why should I?” – at me and all of a sudden it was like I was punched in the gut. Boom. I fell down within myself within my being to the diagnosis of me – want – to – cry – now – not – later kind of diagnosis. I was so flabbergasted by his words that left without saying much, so I went out from the store, to check my gift card and my credibility with it at an automat.   So I said to myself ok, Chill Tormod, breathe, and use you’re commonsense, what do you do now?

So after I had checked my gift card and made some thoughts about what to do, I went back into the health store to talk to him again. And I apologize to him for my behavior. I said I was sorry for being rude, he could not know here my hands had ben that day. I told him he was right to choose who to shake hands with – and I should not judge that at all. He was entitled to not shake my hand. And he accepted my apology and we separated more or less from there.

I realize that I have been missing to say self-forgiveness on letting emotions ruin my living and I will do that here, now inn this blog, related to this episode. Then I will not be surprised or flabbergasted by people like I did this day at this store. If I can live without addicting to mind and without salving for energies I can live more honest and there for more in what I best for all.

I will work through self-forgiveness to sort out my energies and my mind components to come clean from this paranoia and this belief that I experienced this day. Enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had to hold onto a pieces of emotions within me because I was convinced by mind that it was the correct thing to do, and to keep this energy or emotion within me because of following the authority of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the authority of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this belief that it was the right thing to do to carry this emotion within me and giving my belief and energies to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into paranoia from this experience of giving into energies to my mind and slaving to mind on this day trying to dance it away, acting like a dancer to draw attention away from the emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fell my guts all punched out from within me and as I did that I would feel like I was had like been fooled or flabbergasted, and turned into a laugh, from my experience of meeting this cold- shoulder or refusal from shaking hands, with this person working in the health store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “what the hell is your problem man, can you not be nice and polite?”, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out this thought, at him, and remove myself form the responsibility of having this thought at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about that man like you are a freak and you are weird and creepy for not shaking my hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will get my revenge you just wait and see man, thinking that he had something coming for him etc. simply thinking badly about that honest man, judging him, that acted simply from his honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to bring this story up within me from fear of what to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that man at that store and thinking that you (the man) are such a typical health store freak that is always perky and on your own, special like kind of person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go back to that particular store again, from fear and embarrassment of facing that man again.

When and as I see myself being turned down and being rejected by someone. I stop myself and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that people are different and people have different programming. I realize that it is deviant to judge and blame other people. I realize that this person in this store has his life rule to who he shakes hands with, and I have no reason to judge that. I realize that I become the clown when I judged him. I commit myself to go back to that store without any grudges or judgements from the past. I commit myself to let go from mind by focusing on the physical. I commit myself to be to use the air – guitar – tricks more often; I commit myself to live my life in honesty – without slaving for energies and mind.

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Day 568 – Domesticating paranoia

Domesticating paranoia

I notice a point within me of paranoia that have been going on for quite some time now, and I want this ghost – out from the closet. It is the fear of paranoia from leaving my home and locking the door – and leaving. Because, when I go out and are about to leave, I go into paranoia from thinking thoughts like: “Did I make sure to turn of the stove”, “Is all my candlelight’s off?” or ” Have I really made sure that my coffee machine is of (??)” and such questions to rumble inside of me and make me uncertain, paranoid, that I have done it properly and secure. It is like obsessive compulsive disorder / thoughts – bothering the heck out of me.

This paranoia can drag me into fear of burning down the hose, being responsible for other peoples death and fear of ending up going to jail and being punished and I would fear to actually leave my home from this paranoia.

A second layer that is playing out is the layer of how I am very comfortable at my home. I feel safe and sound at my home. I am very much domesticating. I have a certain feeling of freedom at my home, like I can walk around nude if I want of I can speak loud self – forgiveness to myself, without bothering anyone … I can be myself, and I would fear to lose this freedom of being at home – doing what I like and I cannot do all this If I am at the supermarket or at a cafe or at a visit at some place. I would fear to lose this freedom.

I have reached a diagnosis for this situation, I call it “domesticating paranoia”. I reach paranoia from not feel like I can be free at home and I go over in this fear that I have left the stove on or I have left my candles on etc.

It is fear and paranoia and it is dragging me down.

Till here no further!

I have even gotten myself insurance for my home now. I also write down on a piece of paper the date, on a check list, like is the stove of (?): check, are the candles blown out (?) check… and so on. There is nothing more I can do, but to walk this self forgiveness, to stop this returning paranoia that grabs me every time I leave my home.

I will not accept it no more. This domesticating paranoia have come to its end. I will work through self forgiveness on the patterns that I see within me and that I can change.

Enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into paranoia over leaving my home because I would immediately feel like the home is not inn safety and I go into details on specific fears that my stove is on or the coffee machine is running or anything else that might cause a fire is on at my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the specific fear that I might cause a fire and be responsible for other people’s lives if there should a fire at my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel all stuck within this fear and this paranoia that makes me turn after having walked 50 meters from my home, on my way to the gym, and go back and check one more time that my stove is really, really, of, in complete paranoia, when I have already checked my list and I have done all that I can to secure my apartment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to se how my paranoia starts like a crack or like a the breaking point in a cup, or in my crockery, like my head is opening up, or like I am going into mind and creating a mess out of myself in complete confusion and distress within me where I see that I have been going round and round in loops over this paranoia and this “crack in the cup” that is making my life hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would need to find another type of mechanism or another type of helping system, to make sure that I am not setting fire to my home, and I realize that I will rather have to perfect my already existing helping check list and I will have to make this list work perfect and stop the fear from coming up within me, that would be making me fearing and going into paranoia out of pre programmed reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would see pictures from news where people’s homes are burned down and houses on fire where I would fear my own apartment being to be set on fire and I would lose all my things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be responsible for a fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to jail for being responsible for starting a fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and paranoia at the moment I go out my front door because it is a new dimension to me, from insider to outside I dimension, and this shift, is making me go into fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change dimensions because I would think it shakes me up to much and I would like to be in one dimension at the time and to take my time with going from one dimension to another because I would fear the stress involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to leave my home because I would fear to lose my freedom from being away from home, I would fear to not be able to say self forgiveness and I would fear to end up in reactions and I would fear to be alienated away from my home.

I commit myself to practice saying self forgiveness within me if I need to and if I am away from my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to leave my home as I would think that “oh no I am not safe no longer”.

When and as I see myself preparing to leave my home, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I can use my checklist, to fill out how I can make sure my apartment is safe. I realize that I can do modification to where I keep this list. I realize that when I have checked this list that is my final word/action. I realize that when I have filled out this list I cannot do more to secure my apartment. I commit myself to check all instrument and situations and then filling out my list. I commit myself to perfect my check list with the details that I need to make sure there is no friction involved with the list and to stop the paranoia.

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