Category Archives: focus

Day 854 – Depth, intimacy and sanity



Photo by Juan chavez on Unsplash



A short story of my life. It is me who is living in this body. I was tonight, a rather hasty but also very much enjoyable and at times very easy going friday afternoon, enjoying the deep sea from a link from a friend on facebook.

As I was scrolling through the post and at all the time keeping my cool, I thought to myself what a remarkable experience of the depth in my chest. Depth in my chest. Equal to the page I was looking at.  A newness, a silence, a sounding and affirming respect and intimacy within me.

I was reminded of life. Of my own look at myself in the mirror.  I have since the last week, made it my goal and sincere ambition to. talk. to. myself. every. time. I. see. myself. in. the. mirror.


That is mostly after I visit the toilet. That toilet water that eventually run out in the ocean while the ever material is used as fertilizer. But this post is about depth and sanity, and a little about intimacy. It is all connected and there is technical homeopathy in every drop.  That is the most and the core information I know about that specific chapter of my every day visits – I swear to dogs that it is the most of my knowledge about that taking place, and that more knowledge and awareness and perhaps even phone calls and searching online to the local sewage service company of other theories and information, could be added to my response ability on this specific field.


After these very fast and compressed details of my awareness, circumstances and comfort, I can then see the person I love and adore to my death.



I lift my chest case to the picture of the dude, and start to gently but in a very charming way to giggle, I say something like; “Well, hello charm-face”, I might continue with something like, “You know you are the man” and similar affirmations to suit the comfort and living application of and into me. It does not take long time. I just see that charming fella and I say my honest gay appreciation of that face and circumstance.


I have been doing this for a week. One fucking week. I can with the depth of my chest and tail bone connected – present to you that it is the best drug anyone could every serve self. I have been tapping into some debt of myself, in between these mirages that appear like the purest grace ever to me dealt with. That being said I have been working for 8 years straight, with some, like myself, first amateurs that have since the last decade and so, through trial and error become experts of self. Experts of self. Nothing less. The real deal of why we are here in this arabraxas and complex, consequence and horror of self and our collective living on earth as the human that we say we are.


I look out the window tonight, after the loveliest supper that is in humbleness is served with bread and fish and Jesus, and I see the darkness and the rain outside. And I sink into that within and without. Within I sink in my chest, an affirming and really comfortable sinking that also goes outwards into my breast muscle and specifically my nipples. My tailbone and my buttocks. Because it is me. Because I am worthy of my own gratitude – my own praise – worthy of genuinely feeling myself.  Because I allow myself to sink into myself – equally to sinking thousands of meters down, down, into the abyss of the sea where there is zero light and a pressing quiet and a finding of self that I do not yet know of. There I see on that link from my friend, into the sea, I see into me: a intimacy, I see into me myself and my integrity and my core of self. My heart in the rain. I see that I am part of everything and that I am everywhere and equally responsible for all and everything that takes place – from my physical body – the only thing we know is real.


I see that everything, every thing, has a breathing to it, sort of like everything is moving, like Greta Thunberg says there is change coming and it is not reversable, there is nothing none can do to stop the changes that we have been taking on and that we are living and that are here: presenting.


I see Neo in matrix, that there is nothing else other then oneness and equality as life. And that everything in separation of that life, is from fear and is based on ego. I find that fear and that ego of self and I forgive it – to be able to understand it, and that is what we destonians do – we change self as the problem: to be the living change of the world.

Depth, can add a lot to one’s process and perhaps also a healthy curiosity. To me it brings clarity, focus, centeredness, oneness, sanity and intimacy. I am truly grateful and humble for being in this body and for the process for me to walk.

There is a time for everything and for me this time affirmations in the bathroom mirror is a tool that I take with me further for the time being. I am humbled and baffled by my genuine and honest approach to this. Let’s see what we can do to bring some more of that change.






Day 738 – expansion

to me the word :





ex  – pan – yes –  I –  am  (former religious; now I am )


First I took on this word  like a very external point thinking now I get to reach out there and make people aware of shit, like I have superpowers lol


Then I saw that was more unrealistic, and  I stepped back for a bit reconsidered my standing. I took a breathe…. focus on my body, lungs, heart (deep into heart) intestine, and the different organs. And there it was…. I started to see like some have mentioned before, that I have the whole universe inside myself… I am full of magic and creation. I carry all the dimensions within me , here, in the physical. So I started to slow down, focus on my breathe as usual, and I could see into myself intimacy / into me I see,  that there is ….lol almost like seeing life in itself playing out with me directing it, on my inside, it is like the ultimate discovery, with how I treat my body.


so to me self expansion is about how I treat my body, my skin, my heart, my intestine, me feet, and everything within off me.


self expanding is a point of perfecting the within so  that … later when people are in their lives and process ready (all in its time) can see that – “oh, tormod did it … that means so can I”,  “he have walked this, now I can do it also”



It is nooooo good if I were to push myself and my process onto others… does  not work like that. Force is not the way to go.  I have to change myself to focus on me and not on other people. I have to come to terms with: that I can’t change other people they have to see this for them self.


There for it is important for me to … more or less perfect my inside and to treat my body with care, and consideration, and to listen to it and give it support. That is how I strive to live at the moment.


It is a inside job, like inspiration, creation, and remember; that your health is your wealth.



Self forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to baldly and forceful would try to force people to see and experience reality/awareness/process and to try to wake people up from abusing this word expansion were my intention was good, but my way to get there was wrong and I had to face this suppressed force or authority within that I see is a point for me to deal with.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for not until after having caused impact and consequences seeing that what I did was wrong and I should know from my own experience that coercion and force is no good it must come from within/ as one self.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not until now see the importance of a independent and expanding self within, to then be 100% sure of what one is doing is what is best for all –  and to confirm to oneself that oneness process and expanding is on the right track.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how very important it is to honor my physical with food, exercise and massages etc, and to learn to listen to my body and hear it out for what it has to say, and how I can learn from it.

I commit myself to take my body serious, and to develop a safe and sound relationship with it.

Day – 578 – Living words – Focus

Current allocation:

When I think of this word I think of how I am “in” focus”, like studying words, or a picture, or I am at this sort of state or activity. Like to stare at something. Reading. I think about my car that is a Ford Focus. I think about driving and to have a certain focus on driving, and I think about being at somewhere having my awareness at something like my awareness becomes my focus. I think my awareness is directed to a certain focus. I would think that you need a complete focus when learning something new. I think that focusing on my body have great rewards.


Dictionary definition:


the centre of interest or activity.


focus (v.)

1775 in optics, “bring into focus” (transitive); 1807 in the figurative sense, from focus (n.). Intransitive use by 1864, originally in photography. Related: Focused; focusing; less commonly focused; focusing.

focus (n.)

1640s, “point of convergence,” from Latin focus “hearth, fireplace” (also, figuratively, “home, family”), which is of unknown origin. Used in post-classical times for “fire” itself; taken by Kepler (1604) in a mathematical sense for “point of convergence,” perhaps on analogy of the burning point of a lens (the purely optical sense of the word may have existed before Kepler, but it is not recorded). Introduced into English 1650s by Hobbes. Sense transfer to “center of activity or energy” is first recorded 1796.

Sounding of this word:

fog – us

fuck – us

(In Norwegian the word få (fo) means to have/take. Grant to self)   = have – us / take us.

The Norwegian word “Frokost”, means breakfast. = “Frokost/breakfast”


I would think of this word as something positive that I would need to push myself to do. I would think that I would need to use energies to have focus. I would think that to have focus I would have to give inn something to sort of exchange my energies or my money or any kind of substance to have focus. I would think that I would need some sort of emotional background to be able to have focus. There would also be hidden fear out of how I would fear to go into a possession from going to deep in my focusing and ending up in a energy possession.

Creative writing:

Focus is something that everyone needs to push through sometimes. Yet it is always here. Focus is for sure needed when learning something new. To have focus is to be determined sort of or to be giving in efforts to be focused could also be drawn into a possession almost. If one is to focused on one detail one could become possessed by this energy. I would there for recommend to combine focus with clarity. And a daily walk. Focus is a great strength the we build, individually, like with a fire place. You build a fire and burn it up. Focus is in the center of the fire, from etymology. Focus is sort of running through our very torus. Focus is like the fire/food that we burn inside our cells in our body and it comes in through our mouth and it leave through the lower part of the body. (pop/pee/sweat). It is smart to have a good focus on oneness own body.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of focus as something that I would not want to participate in because of how it requires something of me, and this effort is within my energies that I would not want to give in sort of out of pure laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only scientist and student focus I do not need to focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focus out of fear what I would see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focus out for fear of facing myself in honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not need to focus someone one else can do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this word, out of fear of going into a possession because of my experience of possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to take on focus out of not knowing what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that focus can also be a activity and not just staring/reading and it can be something further than to us my senses – like it could be a physical activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that focus is either love or not love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that love is a part of focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that focus is almost like honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only humans can focus.

When and as I see myself going into a task or a chore or a activity of any kind. I stop and slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that to focus is like a movement within clarity almost. I realize that both focus and clarity is needed when learning something new. I realize that I would need to have focus to drive and write and to do certain things. I realize that I would need focus to learn and to unlearn. I realize that I can use focus on practical way when learning something new. I realize that focus on my body is like a tube or a vortex stream. I realize that focus is also related to the fire place the love that unites. The universal love. I commit myself to be focused on my task/activity/chore. I commit myself to investigate how to us focus on unlearning. I commit myself to unlearn my old meta data that I do not need. I commit myself to common sense within focusing. I commit myself to live and to use focus on unlearning lots from my past.