Tag Archives: schizophrenia

Day 857 – I am design

Repeating for the record here a pattern that I am living again.

I would write about this point also here: Day 855 – self worth mathematics

 

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I have this part of me – a guilt tripping from viewing myself as «a bad person». that: «I am a bad guy». «I am a evil man». That I don’t deserve a good life. self judging in fool bloom. Such seemingly innocent butterfly : THOUGHTS – have been allowed access within my mind & my being – to greatly limit my expression if I may say.

Such small mind – chatter (!!) have been going on within me – and creating my reality …. Again seemingly innocent thoughts (butterfly thoughts) that are far from innocent. They would occupy my mind,and over time create havoc. I know the main source of this thought pattern, of thinking “I am evil” and “I am bad” is from childhood and me NOT BEING SEEN and recognized, for my expression by adults. This have made my path often very difficult and troublesome, like the issues I have come to face. I did learn then as a young child to judge and poison this expression of mine, because that is what I learned to do from the adults. My expression was perhaps controversial and that if often how children express. We still need to recognize it as a self expression, and learn to deal with it – show the child how to handle such a expression, and be careful not to judge it or ignore it

Important for me to say : I blame no one. I do not blame or judge my parents – they only lived what they where taught themselves – from their parents. We are all equally in this together. But I am glad for the desteni support here – to start to release myself from the shackles of self judgement – and being «bad». This may not be easy for all to understand : but simple thoughts can build up walls of beLIEves and whopsi: words & action are manifested – as that which is bad, evil, and lesser then. From the learning of thinking and thoughts from growing up – self judgement and guilt (& problems) as adult. It is all making so much sense now, I can see clear. Thankfully I have support, and myself – to rely on – to become responsible, to equalize and forgive within self (!) all the nastyness & all the beLIEves & constructs.

What goes on undetected in YOUR mind ?

Understanding is key – the key to understanding is forgiveness. I am learning about me.

DESTENI I PROCESS is the bees knees !

 

Give time to: https://desteni.org/

 

 

Day 852 – making self-love real

 

I recently posted a picture with a note on facebook about the polarity of love. That is in itself fine and clear. The “love“ we find of mind system is a polarity and it is highly commercialized and for consume and abuse of life. So, what is the solution to this – I point at life – that life is the new love. And in very many ways that is perfectly correct. So, I need to specify it for me – what in my life is self-love – for me – appreciating me.

 

For a very long time, I have been living with making other people great – greater than me. When I work and exist with people – I have made them great and superior – in order for me to be less and then to be petted and “given love”. I would deem them as greater and me as lower – and from this position I would expect and crave from them – love. That have been my main source and definition of love.

 

So, I find today when opening this up – to study what is in my mind with writing, mind constructs and self forgiveness. I learn that I do need some love – and I need to define this love as something unique for me of my life. In other words, I need to find what is self-love for me.

 

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I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for in the moments of co-work and co-existing I go into this role or mode of seeing various other beings as greater than me, I deem them as superior to me, and in the same moment I make myself the inferior of that polarity, I inferiorize myself and make myself small – like I need to have love from them – I would addict to be petted and loved – like I am a hurt puppy – and to then define “love” as some feeling that I only get from others.

Within this I take it to myself to redefine what love is for me – for me to truly establish what is self-love, and to make that something I can apply to myself – on a daily basis of self-care/self-love.

 

So, I will work to define some elements in my everyday to be that of self-love for me – and end the polarity game – because that is not real – it’s a mind game – and there for not in support of life. I find today in particular three elements that are my type of self-time and self-love. Ocean bath (or cold shower), forest walk (or stretching / yoga) and reading a book or a newspaper. Three elements that sustain my quality of self. My self-love. These are three elements – there are more situations that are self-love, but this is to simplify, to make it more easy to define for myself.

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Investigate  desteni

Day 851 – The Magic of self

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Hogganvik Village where I live, south west Norway

 

 

I was born schizophrenic. It was “in the cards” for my reincarnation lol… In the west we are not used to use words such as reincarnation – hey, at least not when I grew up! That being said, growing up as schizophrenic I sure did find the best family and probably country and time to do so.

 

What I want to convey to you here, is the solutions to my illness. Schizophrenia is a serious illness of mind and self. Schizophrenia is basically when there are 2 or 3 personalities within self and mind that are at the same time trying to be in control and direction of self and body. There is a war within between these personalities in the mind/self. From this internal war – there is then the symptoms of voices in the head, hallucinations, paranoia, pain, conspiracy of thought, confusion and lots of problems within ones living. What has been common with me also – is that I tend to project out of myself – new mind units – personality platforms – so that I would have to answer for 3 or 4 different minds. That is also quite disturbing and stressful way to live.  The psychosis or war in oneness mind is most often activated in new situations with new people.

 

That is the basic of how my schizophrenia have been playing out.

 

So, what are my solutions to this advanced illness?

 

For me to start with my medication was very important. For a very long time I worked against the doctor’s recommendations, and medication. So, for me to start to cooperate with the doctor about medication and ending my own usage of drugs, alcohol and porn – was essential.

 

The second part that I will present here is without comparing equally as important. And that Is to start to work on understanding self. In order to understand self – I must forgive myself. It is the self that needs to be forgiven – by self. This can be a challenging pill to swallow for many but if you look at it – what have you possibly got to lose from for- giving yourself? And what do you possibly have to gain?

I am telling you from my experience that self-forgiveness is a real and ultimately super power to heal self – from within. To understand self as mind and at the same time you find the grounding and stability as the physical of self – the flesh – and to let go of the metaphysical/imagination/mind. It’s the job of a lifetime and its brilliant. An endless empowerment potential.

 

There are also many, other ways to add to self-process that will heal one. Things like walking in nature, painting, cold bath, writing, reading books, making blogs, to preform in some way, to glue and dig and bake self into a new self. To change from ones preprograming. To change from the destructive and abusive self that we have been, as separation, and inequality. To bring everything here back to self and into oneness and equality. Or equilibrium if you like.  It is us and it is now.

 

 

So, if you know of schizophrenia here is my advice, cooperate with the doctors. And be certain that you at the same time – start new things, like jogging, swimming, painting, baking, cooking, several new activities. One must simply do it. Consistently.

 

For me to write out mind constructs with walking the desteni I process, and to learn to forgive myself and bring all of me into – yes, an equilibrium, from forgiving the polarity and energy addiction, letting go of fear and ego. To become a better me, in thought word and deed.

 

For me today writing and speaking self-forgiveness – to me – for me – is the best medication.

I do still have medication from my doctor, and I have a stable and sound relationship to that, it is what I need for me to function better. So, to add to that at the same time – is writing out my mind, to over time, quantum forgive myself, to learn what is self-honesty. To bath in the ocean, to work with my hands, to cook, clean, play and sing.

 

Self-forgiveness and the desteni I process have changed me and saved me as much as the medication have. And I am grateful for the existence of both for my support and well-being.

Like I say there there are many ways to support to self – be sure to find yours. Pleas ask me if anything is unclear. We must be here for each other.

 

Medicine can keep me afloat, keep my head above the water – but that is not a comfortable way to live just like that – so with desteni I process I am able to rise myself up, and become responsible, creative, caring, honest, understanding and forgiving self.

 

Give time to investigate : Desteni

 

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Day 847 – Why do you walk the Desteni I Process, Tormod ?

I ask myself this question, as a reminder and motivation to myself, onto why chose to walk the Desteni I Process Pro.

Back in the early 2012 I would choose to start my Desteni I Process – because it is a way out of the hell that humanity have created on earth. It was an exit and a door – into something that would let me know about my mind, answers to the thousands if not millions of questions I had within me of – why does humans have a mind, why all this suffering, why the religion why why why….

 

From walking my Desteni I Process I have come to learn to liberate myself from my mind’s total enslavement of my/the physical. I would learn to hack into my own mind, to be able to forgive myself to then understand my mind, in outmost detail. I was and have been and am still working on forgiving and removing/deleting my schizophrenia.

 

Walking my Desteni I Process have proved to me that I can liberate myself from my own mind’s programs. I was soon to realize that by learning to forgive and understand my mind – I am at the same time taking response – ability for my total and all of creation. And within that – literally saving/changing the world from myself as starting point. Desteni I Process is like being Neo in Matrix, I am very, very serious when I say that.

Walking my Desteni I Process I have come to face all my dirty secrets and my dark sides. To forgive it all in detail,  and be able to understand the systems behind the suffering.

 

Choosing to walk with Desteni was easy – though it took me a while to decide. And every day I now see the effect and outcome of that choice.

I initially chose this path – because I saw it a as a true way out of the hell we have been in. Mind consciousness systems enslaving of my body and my universal being. I saw Desteni I Process as a way to exit and to become real – become life. Because mind consciousness system has been the opposite of life – it has been death, suffering and abuse – that is the true effect of our mind system living. The diseases of “thought” and “believe” have poisoned humanity for a very long time.

This is the last life we have on earth – as consciousness. So, learning to see this in real time – choosing to walk with Desteni I Process was simple, it was as simple as choosing life and not the death of systems as the mind consciousness system.

 

I chose Desteni I Process because I chose life, and I chose Oneness and Equality for all beings. To make this earth into a real sanctuary and heavenly place for all to live – that is the kind of potential we live by at Desteni I Process Pro – it is the ultimate ride. And I mean that with all my hearth.

 

Some self forgiveness to go :

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for seeing into the deeper dimensions of me and I se these flaws and errors, these system faults, and I come to realize that this is part of my schizophrenia and the disease of being me, that I was born with this mental fault and error call it schizophrenia, that made my mind disfunction a certain way, my beingness and physical and my mind relationship was skewed and out of order – even before I was born – meaning from the creation of me.

 

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my mind, being and body’s misalignments within me that lead me to experiences that are lesser than, to experiences that are sorry to be honest, and I feel disheartened by it and I feel like breaking down with it – because there is no simple way out of that sort of suffering it is simply flaws in the creation of me – from “the other side” that made me into that which I am – a  flaw.

 

Within this I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to include myself with people that might experience the same kind of flaws and illnesses, where I feel this deep down disgust and shame from being schizophrenic and all the sorry things I have done as a result of such a illness.

 

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “ah to hell with it” , “ this world is not worth of saving” or to project myself into a new me – a new persona, where I again become sad and depressed from schizophrenia simply recreating itself from mind projections.

 

Within this I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging my mind and what It may present to me, because deep, deep down I fear that my schizophrenia was to restart itself and get back at me – and overwrite the many years of self forgiveness and simply fuck me over again.

 

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have my schizophrenia get back at me.

 

I was chatting with a old friend last night, one who lives with OCD and some of what was shared was that some people are born with mental illness – it is simply in our path, it is something that we have to deal with. It is a error in our creation of self. Some people have a bit more to deal with in this life and that is something that we have to accept. That is how that is. And it felt like we where cuddling our head together lol… and like we embraced each other and motivated each other to keep standing and to keep proving that even with OCD or schizophrenia – it is possible to have a quality life and within that to make a real difference in the lives others and the millions to come – not as consciousness but as real physical, breathing,  pulsing life here.

 

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Day 844 – units of projections

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have not accepted or allowed myself to real-eyes that all my experiences, that together have created my perception of other people in this world,    have been based on my mind’s believes of/within my projections of another. Meaning I would have mental projections and mind simulations of another, I would create imaginary believes and ideas/situations about the other people – in my mind, of who they are, and how they function and   what they do, that is mind projections and not real physical life. I create my own religion and believes in my own head – and not in physical life.  Meaning that my ideas and my believes about another, stemming from my mind’s simulation of them, based on my past brainwashing – are but lies and mind ideas (imaginary ideas) and not physical reality, sanity here.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence,  that I have accepted and allowed myself  to create projections and mind simulations about other people, that is a direct violation of life, because it is based on lies, and the structure of deception and abuse that have brought us all here in the first place. Meaning that I forgive the violation of life, done by me because I wanted to create ideas, believes (religions) and projections, based on my minds desire and that which serve ego as consciousness.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my projections for granted, thinking that my projection is really a “work”, a “project” and a form of art, that my projection is a form of art and expression in itself, where I fail to see that a projection is simply a projected/channeled/posted idea/picture and dream/illusion of how I would like to see the world or at least according to my believes.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for making romances of the idea of projections, thinking that I will reach far and become a star, if I can project my ideas and my believes on another like a disco ball. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, for not really taking the time to investigate what is a projection and who am I within that.

 

I commit myself to come down from my projections, to let go of my mind’s projections, together with   my ideas and my believes of another, because the ideas, pictures, projections and mind simulations I have created is not real and therefor is a lie and a deception of reality.

 

 

The projection of blame within schizophrenia.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out my mind into a new unit, as blame, as I see my own knowledge and understanding of self, living with this blame/schizophrenic/projection/splitting illness, that I come to find and see that this one projection is done by me for me to show to others and myself just how well I know and understand my schizophrenia, my mind, and the dimension of blame, where I fail to take in that it is a projection and a mind program and not reality, and simply schizophrenia trying to split itself into a new mind/me – and my projection and blame playing their game in my mind. Within this I forgive myself as my being, my innocence, for not being able to realize before that I am within this the total understanding and making of this complex – that I as my schizophrenic blueprint/self would channel/split/project my own mind into a new small unit of blame/ – and self into a new, me/mind/personality/blame unit. My schizophrenia splitting/projecting itself as an advanced blame/mind unit – some of the essence of schizophrenia/splitting of self – here as blame/mind unit.

 

Investigate: DESTENI

 

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Day 843 – Religious fear system

 

So, what I am currently working on to GROUND within myself is the religious construct that I have created – where I look at process as my god/my deity. My desteni I process have become my religion. And I do not like that, because it has been compromising my choices and my living.

 

The remarkable Andrea Rossouw from Quantum Change Kinesiology have been assisting me through this for some weeks now, and we have been going through lots of memories and stories, writings, mathematics and realisations to get to here. We are still not done. Some of the most important is for me to understand this. To ground it.

To release the energy addiction within me – I am using self forgiveness.

Here is a snippet of my work.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the idea of holding my process to be a religion – as my god. Meaning I would relate to my desteni I process as my god and my deity, where I would use my fear of falling back into schizophrenia – to use this fear-entity – as fuel for my religious construct of holding my process as my god/religion thinking I must do well in process to serve my “god” and to act and do what I believe my “god” (the process, DIP impressions, the portal etc) wanted me to.

 

And I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see and distinguish between my choices in my living – on what choices that are based on religious fear, meaning I must do “this” to please my god/process , or if I do something out of enjoyment. Where I want to be at doing and living my life – out of enjoyment and not on my believes of what an imaginary god/deity wants me to (out of fear).

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see the difference between doing something from wanting to please my religious system –  to do something out of wanting to serve my god/process, OR if I chose to do somthing because I like to do it and I would enjoy it. And for me to understand this difference – with making a choice of action/doing – in doing it from starting point of fear – or out of enjoyment– that is where I want to be at – that kind of understanding of myself and my living.

 

If I do something out of trying to please my religious construct – then the starting point – of me doing something – is fear (stemming from fear of schizophrenia)

 

Perhaps I want to simply ask myself – before making a decision on something – what is my starting point of doing “this” (?) ;  is it in fear (of schizophrenia) and in service of pleasing my religious construct and doing what is “right” according to  my “god” – or is it something I chose to do from me simply wanting to be enjoying myself in doing it (?)

Often, I find that both the religious fear system and the enjoyment might show itself as drivers to what I am about to do. Then I must figure out if the fear is something I can forgive and let go of, and then enjoy the activity quite simply, or if the fear and religious system is very dominant, present and strong, and it seam that I would do something from wanting to please others, like my process. Then I can find something else to do, and remember to forgive the believe of needing to serve my deity and rather ground the math within me, understand my inside and change.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my schizophrenia was to reboot itself from me fearing to fail in process – because I had made my process my religion. Meaning I went in to hard, I made it my religion, and there for I also fear for process to dump me – because of overdoing. And then there are 2 fears lingering, one is the fear of awakening my schizophrenia and then this is doubled by fear (and anxiety) for process to dump me of somehow.

I will try to describe the math, the equation one more time, to bring more clarity to it.

I fear to awaken my schizophrenia. My mind uses this fear to feed/fuel my construct of religion within me. My mind will play on the religious construct so that I believe my desteni I process is my religion and god – that I must give back my worship to the DIP/process and to basically praise it – for saving me. That process is my god. So, then I start to fear that process will dump me of if I make mistakes. And then from that I struggle with fears, doubt, self-judgment and anxiety – that play out as reactions and emotions in my daily life.

 

So, the common sense in this is to ground it, to bring it into self – to physicality. To earth it. To realize that if I hold a god, or if I serve a religion, then I am being played by mind’s polarity. And also, to come to terms with how my schizophrenia will not reboot itself. It simply will not be done.  I might have anxiety and reactions, that stem from my schizophrenia – but the massive illness in itself with all the symptoms, the lengthy internal war, voices, and pain, will not come back like that – and I have to learn to trust that, so that I can stop feeding the religious construct – by ending my fear of awakening the schizophrenia as such and be more grounded, calm and collected with how I relate to my own process.

 

 

Investigate : desteni

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Day 838 – that cold anxiety

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, for accepting self to stay in a form of anxiety during my day, where I start by feeling a bit cold, where I catch myself seeing and realizing that my body remembers having been cold before, like when I was sleeping on the streets, mostly in Amsterdam and Kiel (Germany) in 2011. Where I realize that what is happening in me, is that I judge those parts of me according to the memory of me sleeping on the streets, and I judge and separate from the parts of me that are cold and view those parts (my feet or my hands or anywhere) as lesser-then as inferior, or “bad”  – from my memory of sleeping on the streets, and living without care for myself and without care for life – AND when my body remembers this – from the slightest cold, and I can see these physical memories of self inflicted abuse – on me – by me. I did it to myself.  Because everyone needs a home, without a home there is a lesser life and a lesser living, where I feel shocked and terrified, scared for realizing what life I have lived on automation – AND I end up abandoning myself as a homeless (hobo) and I leave that hobo to himself – I separate from those parts of me that is a hobo – and then from the first coldness, I judge and separate it, and I abandon it – going into anxiety over it, also horrified (but even more a deep empowerment potential) to realize that it is all myself. I walk that physical experience into judging, separation, abandoning and into anxiety, doubt  and fear – all of it made by self. Where I forgive myself as my beingness that I think I have to do this on automation – I am compelled to walk this systems of coldness, judging, separating, abandoning and into anxiety/emotions where I realize that is how I am programmed from parents, from TV, from school, from society and so on. AND I think to myself that wow (!) what a riddle this is – and what is it I have been living doing to myself – I have done this to myself – judging and abandoning me –  and living in that memory of being a hobo, where I see for myself in the deepest gratitude over self forgiveness – the sole fact that I did make these memories – these stories – these words (!) (of trauma/ being a hobo) to myself – me being a hobo was self creation – and that makes it sooooo cool to simply for – give within myself  –  the judgment and separation of these constructs of my mind that have been holding me back in anxiety – simply from feeling a bit cold – and then the whole riddle would automatically play itself out again huh (!) – I just spotted that and – I am stopping it on its tracks now!  If you can see and understand this – you can share the success (!) with me from investigating self with desteni.org  I just understood a deep point of anxiety within self! That is awesome and empowering.

Did you understand it  ? What about it do you not understand ?

 

 

mend

This interview from the online library of eqafe sure have been of support:

https://eqafe.com/p/stand-your-ground-life-review