Tag Archives: schizophrenia

Day 865 – voyage of void

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that since I find this empty space within me, this void of sorts I therefor need to fill it up with something, like I have to make a show and a broadcast/entertainment out of myself and my free space, where I fail at recognizing that I should simply allow myself to have some free space within me. There is nothing wrong with emptiness, I don’t need to fill it with anything. I can just be my own space within – for me to breathe and perhaps if needed – give others space to see and realize self.

I was dreaming last night about finding empty spaces within me. I would have this urge to fill it up and to occupy the space with so me gadget or what would be seen as “value”. Like to make something out of nothing, but it did not sit right and I felt awkward about what I needed to do with it. I felt like I needed to develop that nature within me – instead of allowing it to be an empty and free space within me. Like we see in nature what we often think about is to develop and take profit of nature. To extract from nature – to our benefit. But nature also needs (today more than ever) to rejuvenate and heal from man’s abuse. So where to start with giving nature more space and freedom to heal? I start with my human nature. By allowing emptiness and void, a free space within me for me and my nature to heal self. So within so without.

My process buddy gave me a quote for me to look at here it is:

“The void is not the void because there is nothing to be empty of”

Day 864 – make my mind sexy

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of emptiness and void within me, feeling there is a lack or a empty space within that I have to fill and “make desirable” – I feel like I have to make my life and living more likeable more sales worthy  – it is like I give my mind the task of making my life more desirable and according to my mind the result of this is that; in  my dreaming my mind produces porn for me to watch in my dreams, I find myself in my dreams – watching porn, and that is not ok – obviously – because then I start to desire porn and sex pictures and such imagination in wake life – in separation of self and life – where I see and realize that I need to first define and sort out the emptiness and void within  me – to properly define that and then  after that – if needed – find something to fil the void  with that is of life support.

So, the emptiness is basically feeling like I am ready for next level. I feel like this level is complete and done. I feel ready for next challenge basically.  And it is also a stability point and mastery point for me to recognize myself as a being – meaning I have come very far in my process, and I have achieved lots and realized lots about self. So instead of following the Mc Donald’s way of  making my mind reality more “sexy” or basically for me to dream of sex and porn, and follow the system way of just feeding my mind with energies and images – like the dead mind zombie robot that I have prior been – I would need to ground that and find my stand in that and find something that I can fill my void with, some interest or something where I can believe in myself again and not lose faith because of dreaming of porn. But forgive that and like with this writing understand that, find something that I enjoy that can fill my void somehow. This might not be easy to alter, but I will not give up.

So this is about understanding my mind, and then to believe in myself, because I have come far – and I have accomplished lots – however I will not slack of and simply let mind run its course – I know that would lead me into suffering – I will ground myself, honor life as the physical real awareness that is here – waiting to come alive as godhood of flesh of self (to make it biblical lol) So I am here – standing as solution to self.

Investigate : https://desteni.org/

Thank you for reading.

Day 863 – self forgiveness process of life

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around myself like on eggshells, fearing to make mistakes and fearing to screw up – giving into this personality of clamming to be neutral in life, where I fear to commit and I feel like backing out and not being seen or heard,  sinking into me with no direction or plan – just wanting to vaporate as a being, within this I realize and see within me that making mistakes and doing “wrong” is part of life – that is how we learn to do stuff – right – and further I commit myself to simply do – to act to be and to live – and to not fear the mistake – but take it as a part of a learning curve. Also further than that – when I make a mistake – I commit to embrace myself and what goes down – completely – I commit myself to LOVE myself and the mistakes I do – fully and completely, again as a part of learning.


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the dominance of my inherent schizophrenia structure – personality platform – within my mind and now within my body – that is the core of schizophrenia to me – a sort of stage or platform for 2 or 3 personalities to fight/balance each other out – and to conquer each other seemingly eternally in a fight for dominance over me, instead of realizing that even If there is such a sick game in my mind, I know and have proven that I can still take charge of the physical  & being of me, to direct myself and move according to what I can assess in the moment is best for all – and not go into the seemingly endless schizophrenic depression and sorrow – that I recognize within most people living with this illness.


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and in doubt and worry of my own being – where I fear to make mistakes, and I fear to screw up this math and recipe of mind system – leaving me then in a state of deep penetrating anxiety and I drain myself by giving into this anxiety that is a polarity and a program of my mind that is mining my physical to keep up the looping and polarity games in my mind, and this seeing and responsibility of know-about – that the mind box extracts physical resources from my physical body to keep running its systems of polarity and believes of mind – just like big cooperates exploit he natural earth for its recourses – and neither is sustainable – so I am ending my own inner exploiting and abuse of me as a natural physical being – giving life back to life.


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated and in sorrow over being presented information about what some people are willing to do to hold on to assumed power, position and money, meaning what level of inner greed and corruption and deep down abuse that humanity is willing to accept as a part of their own mind – inner reality and THEREFOR also on the outer external reality and life that we face and live. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated,  depressed and inferior in comparing to specific people that live under certain conditions, codes and certain laws – where I find in myself and I see in another that specific concept that even though there are people who are wiling and also that in structured manifest and family weapon etc – in all obviousness – present themselves as abusers to stay in power and money positions, that still tells me that : I am looking at the man in the mirror and THAT person is who I have to deal with – that my inner most sick demons that have been part of my thoughts and reality in this life –  are equally mine to forgive, alter and change as self.


Also within this I find that awareness and knowhow from the dimensions and where Mykey tells me through the portal:  That which I find unforgivable and impossible to accept as myself – where I keep judging myself is where my view and movement is skewed into a position of judging myself – because that – back then I could have made better choices and lived a better life,  but I did not, and the abuse that I lived, I then need to view today as a story – and what I can then do to alter my standing and within that my understanding of my own position and belonging to such story. And it is within that UNDERSTANDING of self as a partaker in a story – that I can go back into the memory/story and live it differently (!)  to free myself from the system placement and energy addiction with mind consciousness system of the memory by forgiving myself – AND change myself as the partaker in the story, and end the self judgement. Meaning I needed to go back to my stories that where haunting me and rewrite my experience of the stories. I needed to rewrite the story – this will not change the past – but I can change the story – and it will change who I will be in the present and so the future.



Day 862 – Schizophrenia and mastery


This construct (personality platform mind construct)  is some of the core of my schizophrenic experience – walking this life with the illness of schizophrenia – using self forgiveness and the desteni I process to real-EYES myself as life.

Here is a snippet of some self forgiveness that I use to assist and ground myself :


I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch into myself – on my inside – as a being, in fear of not liking what I find on my inside – fear for disliking myself – disapproving myself – where I over time grow uncertain and full of doubt and worry that again feeds me with anxiety – and then breaking down – the full emotional game – where I need to realize that I must stop this loop – to stop the wheel of the emotion & hamster/believe/energy running in my mind, the fear that is giving ground to the doubt and worry, the fear that I let govern parts of my being, fear of not being liked, and to truly forgive it as the polarity and mind energy & self judgement that it is – and to short circuit the whole design and stop it from possessing me into constant breakdown loops – within this very self forgiveness sentence – I see again – in retrospective, I see into my being and my nature and I find that I need to – here practice living words, in order to not fall into the pit of doubt and worry – but bridge myself over that pit – and by that stop the emotional loop – with the application of a living word such as enjoyment, gentleness, grace or tranquilo – to live a word and make it mean something to me and my nature.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear certain things in my surroundings like to not be able to trust myself fully – where I fear to reawaken my schizophrenia and “fall and fail” into the pit of schizophrenic suffering and despair – like I use that to threaten myself and to not be able to fully trust myself – instead scaring myself with such scenario, always thinking I must be the “hard working ant” in the process, and failing to realize that schizophrenia is energy, polarity (personality) mind systems and I have solved the schizophrenic riddle – I know my schizophrenia and I will not allow it to grow into possessing me like it used to – because of the process I have walked with mind constructs and quantum self forgiveness, and because I have now the tools to assist myself so – instead of falling into the pit of fearing schizophrenia – I will make sure that I can stand up and understand my schizophrenia and my mind, and from that take charge and direction of the whole of me – to embrace my mind – and live words as myself, to redefine words and be in and with the words as myself, words such as stable, grounded, rooted, here, awareness, calm, easy, relax.



I take on my own inner design – myself as a being  – and the task of self realization and self mastery – I will honor myself as life.


Questions about Schizophrenia   <—– see Tormod’s videos


Also see EQAFE about schizophrenia


I am here


Day 860 – into myself

Intimacy – my desteni I process way of self discovery




For 30 some years I would seek “out there” – in the external for the clue, the big score, the healing, the dream to come true, the undefined goal.

I would soon enough tumble into drugs, alcohol and escapism – and the more far out ways of culture. It went on far, it went on so far that it almost took me down to my death completely.

But I am here today to share one of the most revealing discoveries that I have had – from walking my desteni I process. It is to start search within myself – for clues and discoveries – for solutions. Long enough had I been searching out there – and expecting & dreaming and at the same time escaping – my healing and myself – responsibility and purpose – I was neglecting my life.

It was when I would learn to see into me – intimacy – to direct my seeing into my being. That is where my discoveries are today, 8 years after – and still I am discovering – life and me.

It seam we are trolled to believe that luck, or healing or anything of support is to come only from the external – from some surfer in the clouds to save us. I had to learn to see into me. To face the darkness – to learn to not fear the darkness – because darkness is only ever parts of self that I have yet not discovered. To forgive the trolls into nutrition for my inner spire, my sprout, my beingness of existence. So, I welcome you – to look into self and be with that what you find, forgive and embrace self and learn what is resting within you: of life, of healing and purpose and discoveries beyond. It is time we get to learn to direct the focus into the self – the garden of eden – the flesh of man. That is where the healing, the realizations and life potential is resting.

Intimacy – into me I see

Heaven on earth is resting within the very physical of mankind

I want to say something more on the inner world – intimacy – of how the garden of eden, heaven on earth, is resting – situated within the very physicality (body) of mankind – within you & within me.

It means to give.

To give people space – within self so that both can blossom. I blossom from the space you give me – in your being – and you blossom because you see that you can give space and that you would also – be given space equally in another – me.

Space. what is space ? A sort of freedom, vacancy, a opportunity, a room, a undiscovered being.

If we give as we would like to receive – from self honesty – we open up self – as the heaven that we all carry within us – hidden and locked down in most of us.

But it is there as a space – to be shared – to be found – where two or more in my name (in a space) – that is where creation can take place. Create what ? …..lol… heaven on earth – nothing less, I would say a living income guaranteed – money for all is the first important step for that.


Thank you for reading




1st photo by Drew Graham on Unsplash

2nd Photo by Arshad Pooloo on Unsplash

Day 859 – pyramid game of self



A snippet of how I work my way through my schizophrenic mind and conscious chaos – into life, physical stability and awareness as self :

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war against myself to always find points about me – traces of personalities within me – the puzzle pieces of me that has been shattered and broken, that are not in tune and not perfectly aligned, that I would go into feeling inferior and in lack to and I would engage in anger and judgement personalities to go attacking myself for being out of tune and being imperfect.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war against people that I see as “pyramid people”, people who represent a superiority / inferiority to me and my living, where I judge and go into attacking them for what I see as the ruling elite / superiority, and I would eventually feel bad, depressed and angry at myself because it is me who is then the war monger and not the stable and collected being in presence and in equilibrium with me as the physical solution.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset, like something is wrong when I face women leaders, like my programming tells me that there is something about it that is wrong or out of tune, that either I SHOULD cherish it and within that political correctness – worship it – religiously/politically OR I would resent it and think something is skewed and out of order, and eventually I fall back to myself in anger, judgement and depression with thinking that I am the problem, because I am not worshiping and praising like the programming tells me to. Within this I see that it is my starting point of feeling inferior to women leaders and that is my “pyramid” point to correct – to ground to myself as my physical presence.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to find the neutral point of my pyramid, but that is still a pyramid so it is a waste of effort and the same deal, rather; the BIG idea is for me to NOT REACT to seeing/sensing the pyramid within me, but for me to EQUALIZE to it, o not react to it, and to ground myself as the point into my physical being and body stability – that is the solution and equilibrium that is missing in this math and polarity equation of me.

I commit myself to keep grounding myself as the physical and when ever I sense the pyramid / polarity construct emerging, take a deep breath and stabilize – ground into the physicality of self and being – for me to be that calm, collected and stable point in the situation and by that be equal to everyone.


The war and balance/fight between personalities (2 or 3 personalities) within self – is typical to the schizophrenic. A war and a fight within self as static personalities.


More to study about the pyramid : see article from Bernard Poolman

Day 857 – I am design

Repeating for the record here a pattern that I am living again.

I would write about this point also here: Day 855 – self worth mathematics



I have this part of me – a guilt tripping from viewing myself as «a bad person». that: «I am a bad guy». «I am a evil man». That I don’t deserve a good life. self judging in fool bloom. Such seemingly innocent butterfly : THOUGHTS – have been allowed access within my mind & my being – to greatly limit my expression if I may say.

Such small mind – chatter (!!) have been going on within me – and creating my reality …. Again seemingly innocent thoughts (butterfly thoughts) that are far from innocent. They would occupy my mind,and over time create havoc. I know the main source of this thought pattern, of thinking “I am evil” and “I am bad” is from childhood and me NOT BEING SEEN and recognized, for my expression by adults. This have made my path often very difficult and troublesome, like the issues I have come to face. I did learn then as a young child to judge and poison this expression of mine, because that is what I learned to do from the adults. My expression was perhaps controversial and that if often how children express. We still need to recognize it as a self expression, and learn to deal with it – show the child how to handle such a expression, and be careful not to judge it or ignore it

Important for me to say : I blame no one. I do not blame or judge my parents – they only lived what they where taught themselves – from their parents. We are all equally in this together. But I am glad for the desteni support here – to start to release myself from the shackles of self judgement – and being «bad». This may not be easy for all to understand : but simple thoughts can build up walls of beLIEves and whopsi: words & action are manifested – as that which is bad, evil, and lesser then. From the learning of thinking and thoughts from growing up – self judgement and guilt (& problems) as adult. It is all making so much sense now, I can see clear. Thankfully I have support, and myself – to rely on – to become responsible, to equalize and forgive within self (!) all the nastyness & all the beLIEves & constructs.

What goes on undetected in YOUR mind ?

Understanding is key – the key to understanding is forgiveness. I am learning about me.

DESTENI I PROCESS is the bees knees !


Give time to: https://desteni.org/



Day 852 – making self-love real


I recently posted a picture with a note on facebook about the polarity of love. That is in itself fine and clear. The “love“ we find of mind system is a polarity and it is highly commercialized and for consume and abuse of life. So, what is the solution to this – I point at life – that life is the new love. And in very many ways that is perfectly correct. So, I need to specify it for me – what in my life is self-love – for me – appreciating me.


For a very long time, I have been living with making other people great – greater than me. When I work and exist with people – I have made them great and superior – in order for me to be less and then to be petted and “given love”. I would deem them as greater and me as lower – and from this position I would expect and crave from them – love. That have been my main source and definition of love.


So, I find today when opening this up – to study what is in my mind with writing, mind constructs and self forgiveness. I learn that I do need some love – and I need to define this love as something unique for me of my life. In other words, I need to find what is self-love for me.




I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for in the moments of co-work and co-existing I go into this role or mode of seeing various other beings as greater than me, I deem them as superior to me, and in the same moment I make myself the inferior of that polarity, I inferiorize myself and make myself small – like I need to have love from them – I would addict to be petted and loved – like I am a hurt puppy – and to then define “love” as some feeling that I only get from others.

Within this I take it to myself to redefine what love is for me – for me to truly establish what is self-love, and to make that something I can apply to myself – on a daily basis of self-care/self-love.


So, I will work to define some elements in my everyday to be that of self-love for me – and end the polarity game – because that is not real – it’s a mind game – and there for not in support of life. I find today in particular three elements that are my type of self-time and self-love. Ocean bath (or cold shower), forest walk (or stretching / yoga) and reading a book or a newspaper. Three elements that sustain my quality of self. My self-love. These are three elements – there are more situations that are self-love, but this is to simplify, to make it more easy to define for myself.



Investigate  desteni

Day 851 – The Magic of self


Hogganvik Village where I live, south west Norway



I was born schizophrenic. It was “in the cards” for my reincarnation lol… In the west we are not used to use words such as reincarnation – hey, at least not when I grew up! That being said, growing up as schizophrenic I sure did find the best family and probably country and time to do so.


What I want to convey to you here, is the solutions to my illness. Schizophrenia is a serious illness of mind and self. Schizophrenia is basically when there are 2 or 3 personalities within self and mind that are at the same time trying to be in control and direction of self and body. There is a war within between these personalities in the mind/self. From this internal war – there is then the symptoms of voices in the head, hallucinations, paranoia, pain, conspiracy of thought, confusion and lots of problems within ones living. What has been common with me also – is that I tend to project out of myself – new mind units – personality platforms – so that I would have to answer for 3 or 4 different minds. That is also quite disturbing and stressful way to live.  The psychosis or war in oneness mind is most often activated in new situations with new people.


That is the basic of how my schizophrenia have been playing out.


So, what are my solutions to this advanced illness?


For me to start with my medication was very important. For a very long time I worked against the doctor’s recommendations, and medication. So, for me to start to cooperate with the doctor about medication and ending my own usage of drugs, alcohol and porn – was essential.


The second part that I will present here is without comparing equally as important. And that Is to start to work on understanding self. In order to understand self – I must forgive myself. It is the self that needs to be forgiven – by self. This can be a challenging pill to swallow for many but if you look at it – what have you possibly got to lose from for- giving yourself? And what do you possibly have to gain?

I am telling you from my experience that self-forgiveness is a real and ultimately super power to heal self – from within. To understand self as mind and at the same time you find the grounding and stability as the physical of self – the flesh – and to let go of the metaphysical/imagination/mind. It’s the job of a lifetime and its brilliant. An endless empowerment potential.


There are also many, other ways to add to self-process that will heal one. Things like walking in nature, painting, cold bath, writing, reading books, making blogs, to preform in some way, to glue and dig and bake self into a new self. To change from ones preprograming. To change from the destructive and abusive self that we have been, as separation, and inequality. To bring everything here back to self and into oneness and equality. Or equilibrium if you like.  It is us and it is now.



So, if you know of schizophrenia here is my advice, cooperate with the doctors. And be certain that you at the same time – start new things, like jogging, swimming, painting, baking, cooking, several new activities. One must simply do it. Consistently.


For me to write out mind constructs with walking the desteni I process, and to learn to forgive myself and bring all of me into – yes, an equilibrium, from forgiving the polarity and energy addiction, letting go of fear and ego. To become a better me, in thought word and deed.


For me today writing and speaking self-forgiveness – to me – for me – is the best medication.

I do still have medication from my doctor, and I have a stable and sound relationship to that, it is what I need for me to function better. So, to add to that at the same time – is writing out my mind, to over time, quantum forgive myself, to learn what is self-honesty. To bath in the ocean, to work with my hands, to cook, clean, play and sing.


Self-forgiveness and the desteni I process have changed me and saved me as much as the medication have. And I am grateful for the existence of both for my support and well-being.

Like I say there there are many ways to support to self – be sure to find yours. Pleas ask me if anything is unclear. We must be here for each other.


Medicine can keep me afloat, keep my head above the water – but that is not a comfortable way to live just like that – so with desteni I process I am able to rise myself up, and become responsible, creative, caring, honest, understanding and forgiving self.


Give time to investigate : Desteni





Day 847 – Why do you walk the Desteni I Process, Tormod ?

I ask myself this question, as a reminder and motivation to myself, onto why chose to walk the Desteni I Process Pro.

Back in the early 2012 I would choose to start my Desteni I Process – because it is a way out of the hell that humanity have created on earth. It was an exit and a door – into something that would let me know about my mind, answers to the thousands if not millions of questions I had within me of – why does humans have a mind, why all this suffering, why the religion why why why….


From walking my Desteni I Process I have come to learn to liberate myself from my mind’s total enslavement of my/the physical. I would learn to hack into my own mind, to be able to forgive myself to then understand my mind, in outmost detail. I was and have been and am still working on forgiving and removing/deleting my schizophrenia.


Walking my Desteni I Process have proved to me that I can liberate myself from my own mind’s programs. I was soon to realize that by learning to forgive and understand my mind – I am at the same time taking response – ability for my total and all of creation. And within that – literally saving/changing the world from myself as starting point. Desteni I Process is like being Neo in Matrix, I am very, very serious when I say that.

Walking my Desteni I Process I have come to face all my dirty secrets and my dark sides. To forgive it all in detail,  and be able to understand the systems behind the suffering.


Choosing to walk with Desteni was easy – though it took me a while to decide. And every day I now see the effect and outcome of that choice.

I initially chose this path – because I saw it a as a true way out of the hell we have been in. Mind consciousness systems enslaving of my body and my universal being. I saw Desteni I Process as a way to exit and to become real – become life. Because mind consciousness system has been the opposite of life – it has been death, suffering and abuse – that is the true effect of our mind system living. The diseases of “thought” and “believe” have poisoned humanity for a very long time.

This is the last life we have on earth – as consciousness. So, learning to see this in real time – choosing to walk with Desteni I Process was simple, it was as simple as choosing life and not the death of systems as the mind consciousness system.


I chose Desteni I Process because I chose life, and I chose Oneness and Equality for all beings. To make this earth into a real sanctuary and heavenly place for all to live – that is the kind of potential we live by at Desteni I Process Pro – it is the ultimate ride. And I mean that with all my hearth.


Some self forgiveness to go :

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for seeing into the deeper dimensions of me and I se these flaws and errors, these system faults, and I come to realize that this is part of my schizophrenia and the disease of being me, that I was born with this mental fault and error call it schizophrenia, that made my mind disfunction a certain way, my beingness and physical and my mind relationship was skewed and out of order – even before I was born – meaning from the creation of me.


I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my mind, being and body’s misalignments within me that lead me to experiences that are lesser than, to experiences that are sorry to be honest, and I feel disheartened by it and I feel like breaking down with it – because there is no simple way out of that sort of suffering it is simply flaws in the creation of me – from “the other side” that made me into that which I am – a  flaw.


Within this I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to include myself with people that might experience the same kind of flaws and illnesses, where I feel this deep down disgust and shame from being schizophrenic and all the sorry things I have done as a result of such a illness.


I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “ah to hell with it” , “ this world is not worth of saving” or to project myself into a new me – a new persona, where I again become sad and depressed from schizophrenia simply recreating itself from mind projections.


Within this I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging my mind and what It may present to me, because deep, deep down I fear that my schizophrenia was to restart itself and get back at me – and overwrite the many years of self forgiveness and simply fuck me over again.


I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have my schizophrenia get back at me.


I was chatting with a old friend last night, one who lives with OCD and some of what was shared was that some people are born with mental illness – it is simply in our path, it is something that we have to deal with. It is a error in our creation of self. Some people have a bit more to deal with in this life and that is something that we have to accept. That is how that is. And it felt like we where cuddling our head together lol… and like we embraced each other and motivated each other to keep standing and to keep proving that even with OCD or schizophrenia – it is possible to have a quality life and within that to make a real difference in the lives others and the millions to come – not as consciousness but as real physical, breathing,  pulsing life here.