Tag Archives: self

Day 816 – feminine




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word and dimension of “feminine” to be something about girls and the female, connecting the word to that of body features, the period (menstrue-hate) dresses, colures, numbers, features, opinions, things, and as well as other words and dimensions that are from our world (cult- hour-e/culture)  a part of how we see and make difference of male and female – when they are in fact BOTH (male/female) qualities within each and every one of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word “feminine”, and then also to not care for or consider myself,  the parts of me that is part of the feminine expression/my left side of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the word “heroine”, to mean both to discover and see/use/medicate to see the very cure for ones emotions/memories/trauma, AND looking at the girl/lady/mother as the savior and rescuer of it all, and thinking “naah, I am not a girl so that (this life) is not for me” – making a clear divide within me of energy polarizing between left and right : female and male qualities – making the quest for heroine (drug)  something I would crave, instead of simply looking at nurturing my own female, heroine/hero, expression/femininity within me – and dare to live me!


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the feminine is deeper, and it has a more consistent, more powerful,  drive and flow to it, in compare to the masculine, and for thinking since that is the matter; I give up and rather sabotage the unity/oneness and responsibility within nurturing and caring for BOTH qualities within and as myself (my body/being/self) – but instead reacting in fear of the feminine and “giving up” on myself for the simple fact that I have a penis and not a vagina.


Within this I commit myself to nurture and care to work for BOTH feminine and masculine expressions/structure within me, to redefine energies/words/dimensions that are present but not of support – to flip them over – like concern can become passion, and worry can become intelligence – IF I put in the work to forgive, change and understand it, and alter my ways and my relationship to my left and right side of me, the expression = feminine and the structure = masculine – they are both part of who I am.



some interviews of support / diving deep :




Day 771 – the cereberus of schizophrenia – mind storage


Being schizophrenic I bear 3 or 4 minds. That is right. 3 or 4 minds (!) that always wants its own demand and piece of the cake; the physical &  the being. 3 minds that together have a core and design (that I currently see as self judgment/rebars/metal – from my programing of being) locked in their position and placement within my mind/total self experience (see drawing)   3 personalities, and one mind (4rth) who controls or governs the other 3. From my programming/schizophrenia I have learned that all these (4 minds) wants to be in control of the totality of me/minds/physical/being. And they fight for it. They have a war inside my head over being the supreme mind… a psychosis/possession. Like a Cerberus that we know from In Greek mythology (see picture)


this is how schizophrenia is experienced to millions of people


Mind as they are, are  energy systems. They are energy and they depend on more energy. If I can delete my addiction to energies, I can free myself from my Cerberus/Schizophrenia/mind and the minds control. This is easier said than done. But;  It can be done if I work on the very finest of therapeutic and curative care: self forgiveness. Together with being aware of my physical, living words, there is a fuck-load of applications that have been developed and cultivated by desteni during the years. The finest of psychology, behaviorism, self awareness and self healing tools/applications.


You see I have schizophrenia and… schizophrenia is a particular design. Like a recipe. It have been placed onto me before I was born. Why ? Long story , but if you ask me private, I can share with you why I am schizophrenic.

Studying the core elements and foundations of being human, sound, life, energy, mind, consciousness, light, dark, colors, darkness, polarity, emotions, time, space, the physical, the being, earth, relations, empowerment, self forgiveness, responsibility, money, words, animals, the universe, quantum and so on… this is some of what I have been studying the last 5 years.

You see I ask question with my living, question everything, I realize that for the world to change : I need to change. There is no other way. I want there to be responsibility, forgiveness, purpose, empowerment, real care, prosperity, life support, equality, oneness, honesty, solutions, peace and freedom and so on… for all life on this earth and I will not stop what I am doing before I see this is taking place. It boils down to equality and oneness – what is best for all.


So what I question myself is how to make my schizophrenia livable and to something less of pain and burden to myself. Well there is a lot of therapeutic tools  and  things I can enjoy and savor to do. Like drawing. Expressing, vlogging, blogging, studying and reading. I very much like reading a good book  – so I do that. I read a good book or a good blog. Or I write a post to myself like this. It might sound simple, but to many it takes some to actually do it, and in boredom and mental despair they end up drinking and doing porn… etc, etc, etc.

It is about becoming physical, and to nurture from there the being and by that math to stand, eternal, equal and one to all and everything, without bias and without judgment  – because you/I have embraced it and forgiven it; as self and made it part of self. Just like neo in matrix – he becomes it all… he takes 100% responsibility and does not separate self from anything (!) else. Not the lady in read, not money, not imaginations,  quite simply no separation it is all one and self… do you see where I am at ? Because thinking and thoughts is per definition a separation. It is a sabotage of self. So bring everything back to self and forgive. You would be amazed of the power you have and the qualities you possess. Physical is always stronger than mind. It is you and me as physical awareness, self direction and self honesty that can ultimately become the drivers and creators of our own living.


Again to stand equal and one hand in hand with all human beings. Maybe that is not your cup of tea ?  So we all have quite some layers of programming to deal with. We all have things in our lives that possess us, again self forgiveness is key – to become physical.

So for me to walk with schizophrenia is quite challenging. Luckily I live in Norway where I have care and support from a welfare state – that nobody have ever seen before – it is that good.  It makes sure I can walk a healing process, and have a life in decency – no luxury but a decent living. So I can make and share such a picture of my schizophrenia – to make it less terrifying to me who lives with it.


4rth mind.jpeg

drawing of my minds


If you are wondering and have questions please drop me a line


Check out the links:







Day 749 – Becoming more of me – expanding through living words


my beingness signature drawing



Becoming more of me – expanding through living words.

Rediscover writing and redefining living words.

How to push through limiting believes about self, empower, learn and expand.


I have come to believe that I am lazy and bored, slightly depressed, and that is how my schizophrenic life should be like. A believe. That have become the result of how I defined the words, organized,  structured, symmetrical, and also colorful. I have been pushing this notion or idea that I can’t write any longer. My writing skills are apparently gone, or that I have written it all out already. That I am done and my process is complete. Like I have now transcended into the skies and there is nothing more to write about lol.


This is a typical believe of limitations. My definition of the word organized (and the other words) was simply not the “right” definition. It was not what is best for all. It left me bored and dull… slightly depressed –  and that is something specific for me to learn from. What within my definition of these words was so wrong that it led me to boredom/lazy/depression ?

So my thinking and limiting believes have been; “I am done”, “It is complete”, “I don’t want to bother no more”, “I have done my share” – ending up within my definition of these words – as a lazy bum. Boredom and depression as backchats within my mind – creating the limiting believes.



picture i did


So from here I must rise up and find a purpose for myself  – by redefining these words – again – and expand within so. And by exactly using these words (organized, structured, symmetrical, colorful) within this process of organizing/rising up. Taking in organized to my “within” taking it in to direct my emotions and my thoughts. How the fuck does one take in a word to direct one emotions and thoughts ? lolol

It is as simple as it is hard. First one must understand the basics of mind and energies and thinking. I would strongly recommend to  investigate to learn such in depth and understanding, through the platform of desteni.

My emotions usually rise from my solar plexus, and from there up into the system of me/mind/system. So I take in the word organized to live within, and to direct my thoughts and my emotions to something better than the usually programming/system. How can I adjust myself, to take direction of my emotions and my thinking ? I know a thing or two on how energies work in the body and in the mind. So if I can make my definition of these words a more specific one, so that these words could help me sort out my ; emotions and thinking.


A very specific thing here is to see that believes are so very limiting of our being. Believes that are created from backchats. ” I believe that my life must be dull and grey – from old habit” – and so on. I made a believe that my writing skills had vaporized or that I had changed so much there was  nothing more for me to write on. Like I was too good for it. I believed to had ameliorated myself to a new level. To cool for school lol. I realize that I have made my life difficult and hard by not writing. Writing is a such a gift to not be underestimated, I had suppressed my writing by thinking I was done.


So now I take on this living word, organized within, to give it a new definition and a clear direction.  I have limited myself enough from believing in different personalities, and constructs of mind. Now it is time to look at the word organized in depth and see how it can assist me in my life.

I now need to expand myself within these words. So what I need to look at is to see within these words to see what with my previous definition went wrong ? My previous definition was by organized; to have such a arrangement of details that all involved parts are comfortable.


So how do I redefine a word ? To redefine a word I must learn the word  to know,  and then after knowing it I can make a definition – based on what is best for all. For more living words check out SOUL  and destonian wiki.


Organized. New definition:

is to have the comfort and mobility to take action and do what is required to become empowered.

self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on limiting believes from backchats like “I am done”, “this is it for me”, “I am done with writing”, “till here no further with writing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchats/voices of mind saying “you suck”, “you are not worthy”, “you are to lazy”, “you are a retard” – manifesting as believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this believe within myself as I would start to give more and more energies and thinking to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for defining a word “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself the deceit within my process of refusing to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and blame myself for making a “wrong” within redefining words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and judgmental from having all these playoffs  that I tell myself I should have noticed before they made my reality so filled with believes/personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat, “I am too week for this”, “I suck at this”, “I am no good at this”, “I should not do this”, “I should just be elsewhere.”


Now that I see this and have pushed through there it is a clarity within.

Clarity/realizations  are:

– If I postpone my writing it easily piles up and becomes difficult the more I postpone it.

– Backchats/voices/thoughts makeup the believes that eventually limit me.

– I can take on these words again and redefine them as many times as I need to make it perfect.

– Writing is fun and creative, I learn lots from writing.

– I also learn from pushing through and seeing what makes up what of components and energy, so I can  avoid going into the same trap again.


I will now take on the word organized and see how I can live it within, and to direct my systems within.










Thank you !


Day 743 – process of self



Either we are stuck in a obsessive compulsive mind set, or are in lack of income, or that we are in a addiction of some kind, or inn a abusive relationship. We all have something with our lives that would require for us to walk a process on. We all have something to improve within our living.

To document oneness process so,  is becoming more and more a new real value of life – as it also should. It is self assistance and it is supposed to be healing. We have been our own worst judges and punishers, from habits and patters and emotions, now we must be our own best helpers/healers and assist our self and to bring us to understand what we have been through. To learn what we were going through, and how we managed to get out of it. We need to understand the mind yoga. And  how to improve oneness living. This have been a bisnes for decades with coaching, psychiatry and all sorts of entrepreneurship.

I have walked a quite advanced and meticulous process through my  schizophrenic mind. It has been quite some yoga I can tell you. I have lived with all sorts of addictions and bothers. I am currently  walking through my schizophrenic mind into a life with self honesty and self respect. Integrity and responsibility. I still recon that I am schizophrenic, but I do not suffer that much from it any more. I live in a safe and protected environment and  I also live in the country of the best welfare system, the world have ever seen.

The explaining of my steps and my how to is all well documented and shared on my blog and on youtube and on soundcloud as well as other places.

I have gotten to a point to live with my schizophrenia,  and to improve my mental state. I know my schizophrenia very well after walking my process of self forgiveness. So I encourage you to start working on your mental states, on your addictions and your behavior patterns. There is something within this for us all. Let’s start that blog and document to write out our mind and to come clear with self.


The only help is self help

I can have assistance and support and guidance… but help comes from within self




Use the links









Day 703 : Day 10 : Change




Day 10 of 21 days of walking with self forgiveness

I will take on the challenge from my brother : Gian Robberts on walking a 21 day trial of (only/daily) self forgiveness on points. I will walk these points of self forgiveness for self/world change during 21 days.


Here is Gain’s Blog :


21 days of self forgiveness on key points.

The points will be that kind of relevant points as of this world and our living.

Money, sex, politics, work, religion, mind  and so on.


Day 10: Change


Please read loud for best effect


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as in fearing something I don’t know what is and fearing to let go of old routines and old comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel pride and righteousness over how I have changed over time and developed into a more and more responsible being particular within what goes on of metaphysics within and without of myself that causes effect and has a deeper impact on “real world” and living, so within so without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not seeing in clarity until today how bad I have been longing for and wanting change realizing today that I must be that change I want to see in my world, practically physically 24/7.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would be dividing and driving myself into this and that direction out of assuming that the change would/could be bad change – failing again to realize that my effort and my living in everyday breathe by breathe is what makes change and that I must change for the better, self comfort and most of all: for what is best for all must come through, first as self change and then as world change – basic math!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and moralize over what I see as bad changes, which is just old system repeating itself like with US president election or war in middle east, which is totally filled with abuse and irresponsible which is again a pin pointer to let us all know that nothing changes unless we change and learn to love/live our enemies and to embrace them and to change our self and this world = equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define change within myself as a improvement and as a way to improve my life from physical and as a way to become hole and complete and self honest – a path of the way to well being : a good road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would need to place trust within other people and their leadership and to place trust in a direction to have change, if failing to have a direction myself, and failing to be with myself and to listen to myself intimately (in to me I see) and to be comfortable with myself and to dare to take response – ability/to be a leader.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up my ego to have change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would believe it would hurt to give up my ego for change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be – li – ve that all change is good, then it is a matter of how I define change, and what is just looping and mind fucking / same old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fault and a mistake and to blame myself because of not seeing enough change and not seeing the change I want to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my ideas of change is utopian and unrealistic and that I live in a  bubble world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divide between my pre-programmed likes or dislikes of good change and bad changes.


Real change is something to happen for the best for all beings !


Change can be painful (like birth), but if we use self forgiveness

we can get past the mind points.


I realize that all I want i to improve my life equally to yours and for everyone – with change.





Living the word change :



How to live the word change ? In a world that most defiantly need both huge and small time change how do we live this word change to its greatest ?

What is my allocation to change? To me change is something new that is replacing something else, something that is a replacement. Change is a substitute and something that replaces something. So in this world there is lots of change going on. So how to value change in its best form ? To value the cool change the good change and the change that is best for all. Most importantly change comes from the inside and from the psyche of self. I want to live like to be that change that I would like to see. I will live the change I want to see, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in working with animals with talking on phone, with showering, with driving with shopping with walking…. with living:  be it/be change – be considerate !!


Dictionary definition:

change :

  1. 1. make or become different.
  2. 2. take or use another instead of.



Etymology :

change (n.)

  1. 1200, “act or fact of changing,” from Anglo-French change, Old French change “exchange, recompense, reciprocation,” from changier (see change (v.)).



Sounding of word:


she – hangs

chen – guest

chen – guess





Polarity of word:


I would associate negative on this word; because of lack of change : that there is not enough changes in this world. There should be more changes and further changes, for the best of all.



I associate that typical change that are best for all, is cool changes I like those changes that are best for all. I cherish and honor them. I realize I will only change myself for what is good – so there for all change is in deeper essence:  good/for the better.



Creative writing:

Changes are very much like chain reactions. Like a stream of money (changes, coins) and like the pearl or pieces of a neck less. The petals of a flower symbolizes changes to me, or coins that are changing hands. It is almost like changes are a chain reaction in itself. Changes are still very physical and it is like to change direction within and, change one tone of speaking or change ones approach. Change ones pants. Particularly I would like to emphasis the direction from introversion that is driving change, so within so without.



Re- definition of change:

Change is a improvement to occur, in advance of oneness first point, matter or direction.



 all 3 pictures are made by me







Day 688 – Immortal, Horus and Schizophrenia

Immortal, Horus and Schizophrenia


So. I am doing something no one have ever done before me. No one before me in human history have walked a process having schizophrenia and then be walking a process of self communication, self forgiveness, and self correction. Into self responsibility, self honesty and a purposeful life and living. To be without slaving to energies within mind. To stop living by the old metaphysical (separation) of thinking/thoughts.  I am stepping out of that role of living like a schizophrenic, obsessed with mind, and  how schizophrenic people are supposed to be addicted to weed, the drinking, obscure/nasty culture,  and in general addiction to all sorts…. Society is rooted so that it wants me who have schizophrenia, to live that “criminal” and marginalized way. It have been rigged and I say no more of this old sickness/system. It is all energies. It can be forgiven within.  I have now been walking my desteni I process for a little more than 4 years. I can tell you that I no longer live a  life of a suffering schizophrenic. I still carry the blue print within me. I have its coding sort o speak. But I don’t live it no more.  I know what it was and what it is to millions of being out there. Now my further purpose is to stand and help. Assist and support others. And let me tell you that it is going quite well.

Today I trust a great deal on self intimacy. Into – me – I – see. I look into myself and I see myself. I see myself in self honesty. And you could say I am amazed of what I see. Now I have been clearing out energies and psychological data within me for years – and I have dumped old data and energies from within, and found a way to embrace myself and to stand and be responsible with myself, clear and awake.


A fun thing appears to me lately. It is related to the movie “Immortal”. I suggest to check it out, it is quite a show. And it is about how I see this figure Horus – this ancient Egyptian God – who carries sort of similar story as the more popular Jesus Christ. Anyways : this god Horus, is doing some “God stuff” to a character in the movie. To Nikopol. Nikopol have lost a leg in action. And Horus is then  melting and creating a metal bar/rail to replace the foot. Horus creates a artificial foot for Nikopol from metal.

So what does this have to do with me  ?  I keep seeing within myself  a construct of rebars. It is a small construct of rebar’s that is see within me. Perhaps it is from suppression. I see it down by my foot it is like  a extra foot to me.This may seam like strange imagination or fantasy and perhaps that it all it is. It is still what I see within, to deal with to myself in self honesty.

I know this can sound silly or hard to understand – but I keep seeing this foot, of rebar’s at my own foot.  And … within this I think it is important to understand that I am more like a sponge/receiver now, than ever before. I love to learn new things. I love to read new things and to learn new skills.  So this belief or this fantasy of Horus and the melted leg really got to me. So I would picture myself as wounded and hurt. So that I need to have a cure or a healing from having had schizophrenia. And within this comes then the story of Horus and his magic. And I really like that movie.  Weather it is a matter of belief system or fear or whatever – I will clear it out with self forgiveness;  to not drag shit around  – and rather be more sponge ! Point is that I am able to see a alternative to the same old Jesus story that is being be – lie –  ved  and worshipped etc.. to this day. It is that of a alternative and also it is telling me that strange things can happen and  strange things can occur. And to use myself and my physical as example I would tell at least myself that I have already done lots of magic on myself by no longer living and suffering to energies as schizophrenic – but rather carrying the blue print of that illness.

This is the dawn of awakening. Time of consequences; year of creation. If you are living in lies, (be-lie-ve) no matter how small or how great you will be confronted.  We can’t create a good world for all beings based on the very same fundaments (thinking) that brought us here in the first place.


self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush  of this insight as imagination and fantasy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is to strange material for a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be – lie – ve that I know Horus or to give into any sort of be – lie – ves to him or to anything at all really.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I favor Horus over Jesus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think religions is a great popularity contest which is not far from “truth” only it is much more grave and depriving than so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be seen as a beliver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that Horus would save me, failing to realize I have to save myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for alternative solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need a fix.

Immortal movie.PNG


Check out the movie:  Immortal

Enjoy computing

Day 674 – living words : integrity

@desteni we are living words.… check out SOUL to investigate how you can live words to…




Current allocation:

I would think of teachers and masters, and scholars that educate others. Or I would think of being able to make your statement and to be able to say your opinion/thing in a debate.  It is that pushing to have your say. To tell the other people your opinion, your point of view and your side of the story. Integrity to me is to have  real news and experiences, and something teachable to tell others.

Dictionary definition:

-adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

-the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

-a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship’s hull.



  1. 1400, “innocence, blamelessness; chastity, purity,” from Old French integrity or directly from Latin integritatem (nominative integritas) “soundness, wholeness, completeness,” figuratively “purity, correctness, blamelessness,” from integer “whole” (see integer). Sense of “wholeness, perfect condition” is mid-15c.


Sounding of the word:

inter gritty

inner gritty

nitty gritty

(name on a person)







negative: I would think I need integrity – that I lack it – that I don’t know my complete self yet. I would think I lack the influence of integrity. I would think of the word nitty – like in nitty gritty that I would find bothersome and embarrassing within myself with sounding this word.

positive: I see quite a potential for me to take on this word. I can learn from this word a great deal. My world around me can benefit from this word.


Creating writing:

Inter – gritty – it sound like a mess or a meeting within what is nitty – gritty(dirty) – it is about debating what is nitty – gritty (dirty) about a situation.  Being able or experienced to talk and explain what is with a situation that makes it nitty – gritty. Like a comedian making fun of things – pulling out and exposing the nitty – gritty. It is knowing the nitty gritty and making a point how to deal with it.


New definition:

Integrity is a skill to handle the nitty – gritty


ogna m.m 023


thanks for reading – enjoy your day !