Day 762 – I am GATVOL of fear

I decide today that : I am GATVOL of fear

“Gatvol” I learn is africaan and it means “no more”

I decide to not allow myself going into fear. Instead I become here with myself, looking within myself, sensing and being aware of myself, within of my body, in self honesty.


Fear makes us angry – let’s NOT be angry !

Fear and anger is the opposite of solution.


Here is two awesome links to investigate:


Instead for feeding my mind with energies and reactions, “what if” – kind of thinking and paranoia.

I say till here no further. GATVOL with fear. Fear is a imagination – it is a lie.

I have been corrupting myself enough with “what if thoughts”, fear and imaginations of mind.

Instead I will be here with myself supporting myself and living self honest. And I will secure it with living words. Living words like; intimacy, support, genuine, honesty, guide, deep, gentle, stable, calm etc.


So… if I face situations that can seen stressful or reactive. I stop, and I breathe… perhaps I close my eyes for a second. I move within to self support. I embrace the situation and live and act in self honesty.


If everyone could do this and drop the fear… THAT is real change…

wooooow… what a potential !

Are you ready for this kind of world change ?


Let’s join teams !


Check out the links:



Day 761 – symmetry and play

About a year ago I  was given some specific words to investigate, to redefine and live. One of these words was the word symmetry. Now I have been studying some various sources of what is the definition of symmetry. And it seem to me that most have several meanings to this word. It holds several definitions.

I would think , to myself,  I need to break it down in one core definition. Like this ultimate definition of this word. Failing to see that it can actually mean more than one thing. It can have multiple definitions.


So with these thoughts spinning in my mind, with its pro an con’s. I  thought, I have to nail this in one definite meaning.  So I posted on facebook this picture, of what I thought was the definition of this word.



I posted it without much consideration on facebook, and thought it is mostly word play. I wanted to play with this word so I posted it, not taking it ever to serious what definition I had given this word. I was like testing it out.

To me it was mostly play. And that right there is my core issue. If I post something out of play and … testing out to myself, like playing with the word/issue. Then do I have to say that – hey this here is play ? Do I have to make a sticker on the post saying obs, obs, be aware this is me playing ??

What is play ? How do I define play ?


Because in the eyes of the observer, who reads my facebook post, how should he or she know that “hey, this is a joke” – more or less.  This is not serious or .. real, it is a  joke. And how is it that I hereby make play invalid and wrong ?

Interesting huh ?


If someone is playing, than it should then show, that this someone is playing.  No?  Is this not about being clear in ones stand ? Yes it does. So if I was clear in my stand, It would show that this was playing ?…  I am not sure if this is right, and that is from not knowing myself good enough. From not knowing 100% my standing and purpose. It creates insecurities and doubt, do you agree ?


So for me this was a alarm going off. Saying to myself to be clear. To know myself. And to work on de constructing and removing my personality of uncertainty and doubt. So it seem like my personality of uncertainty and doubt have been playing me for a fool here.

So this goes to show that I need to redefine play to myself – because as of now it is not clear.  And to continue on finding my definition to the word symmetry.


Thanks for reading


Check out the links:



Day 760 – My voices in my head

A relationship between me and my voices


girl face

drawing by:  Tormod Hvidsten Gjedrem


This is very clinical about my voices*


I realize that I have been living a pattern. A particular pattern concerning my thoughts/backchats/voices. Many times I have experienced voices and “loud” thoughts. Sometimes I experience these as very scary messages. They come from within myself and is a direct result of my schizophrenia/programming. They are my responsibility to handle, heal and/or live with.

It can be tough sometimes. Here; it is my relationship to the word “tough” that I need to look at, to not fuel the mind and the voices further. I hope you get the picture. Feel free to contact me if you don’t.


A peculiar thing is that have characterized my voices like saying that this particular voice is “scary”, or it is “bad” or “evil”. I would give energies/characterization and fuel/power to the voices/thoughts, by sorting them out to myself. I would give this voice the characterization of horror or hell, wicked, spiteful  or evil …. and so on.


What I have not seen and realized before now is that,  by characterizing and giving the voices energy/verdict, I give them fuel. I grant them access in my mind and in my head through energies. Voices in  my head – granted to be there – acting out because I gave them the specific energy to burn with, like fuel on a engine. Running crazy in my head with voices – because I give the voices a certain energy, by characterizing it.

This buck stops right here !

I will stop feeding my voices/thoughts with energies. I don’t need to characterize my voices, rather deal with them in self honesty, self responsibility and what is best for all. I will expose my schizophrenia and share what I find. I will support myself through this process as best I can.


self forgiveness on the point :

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give voices and thoughts in my head and in my mind certain energies and characterizations, like a value or fuel for the thought/voice to be and function in my head, of how I experience it out of my pre programming, and then giving it a purpose with how I place value on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize why I have voices in my head, I had forgiven them, failing to see and realize that I judged and characterized the voice that was in my head and by that fueling it more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to characterize my voices out of how I am programmed to value, judge and criticize everything around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to appreciate me here, and Instead give into energies and voices in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-lie-ve that I have to attach value to my voices and to characterize them, from old habit,  when this only fuels them with more power.



self commitment:

I commit myself to not give judging or characterization to my voices, as it will only fuel more voices in my head.

I commit myself to appreciate me here as life and to not “feed” my thoughts/voices with energies.

my video on this point:


Thanks for reading !


Please give time to the links:

Day 759 – fearing suicide


Disclaimer : we at desteni are not doctors or health care personel – we are ordinary people figuring out, practical, best for all solutions in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fearing not living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for fearing suicide, like I fail at life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for having lost so many friends to suicide and/over mental issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  feel shame for not knowing myself good enough to see this pattern of fearing suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than giving into this fear, this programming of accepting suicide, I should rather open up and communicate and talk to people, to have courage and to be brave and talk without bias.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live like a personality/polarity construct of wanting to honor life, and to give my best and in the other end fearing to not be able to live – to chose the death part, like with the extreme of suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and discomfort for alarming and confusing others by saying/admitting that I have issues with suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to limit my world and opportunities by admitting and saying to the world that I have issues with suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discomfort with talking even to myself, alone, about suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in energies and drive to something I don’t quite know what is.



I realize that I should rather be with myself comfort myself do things to support my body/self love.

I commit myself to be more open and communicative – to dare live.

I commit myself to express and share more my insides.





Day 758 – Desire to be admired

I have been made aware of a desire within that have been creating conflict within me lately. I have a desire to be admired and to have status. But I have not given myself the chance to live this in real time.

So how does this play out ? For instance I have been suppressing and making “bad” my genuine expression. You might say sexual expression.  I fear to be 100% me without bias and judgment from within. So when it comes to sex, it is all about slowing down lol.. So that is also my clue. To slow down and be myself and not judge myself or go into thinking that my expression is wrong or un-cool in any way. Thinking that sex and expression is what media serves us of characters. Whoever it might be this week. It is porn and fame it is not my thing. Failing to realize that hey  (!) just that observation there of how we are programmed to think lesser of our self and our bodies because of cultural programming – which is a crying shame. And just that shame point I have take on. Judging myself and my expression as wrong or bad. Not seeing that this is hard core programming and design, of thoughts, mind and relationships () – hardwired of mind design.

I would for instance  feel a urge to dance more. To be more present when I move. To have grace. I need to be more with myself when I move my body.  And I could also “need” to let go of many needs lol. And let this come more naturally like my expression from within, and not force it out…

I have then a desire to be admired. If I need to be admired then admiring will come to me. So I need to live like there is no separation from this word admire. If I have a energetic relationship to this word “admire” – then those energies is causing stress within me. Like tripping wires. I sure hope you can see this. I need to live this word like any other word that I can embody. It must come naturally and not by me pushing and stressing about it.



self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and almost addict to a imagination and idea of being admired, where within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this desire and then become totally embarrassed and scared, thinking (backchats within mind) “This is not me”, “I am not Hollywood”, “I am a loon and a clown”  – literally creating my own believe (be-lie-ve) within nasty backchats in my head, and suppress and reject the desired idea,  and create conflict with my wanting to be admired and to have status.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself pile up a lot of suppression and denial within and then dive into this soup of emotions and lose myself within it going pretty deep into depression within so.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of give into the nasty backchats in my mind and loose myself into emotions and believes of how my life should be, according to pre-programming, I must rather support myself and being with myself, give myself time to breathe,  in a common sense manner, to treat myself good and to embrace myself 100 %.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of going into stress and fear and make my pro – blames even bigger, I must make arrangements within, of commonsense, and to slow down my tempo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated to mention my sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for my sexual expression.


self corrections:

When and as I see myself  going into denial or suppression of my desire and want to be admired and to have status, I stop myself, I breathe, and I level with what is here. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being admired and to have status. If I can deliver what is best for all it is rather cool and a nice thing. This world obviously needs good leaders. I realize that I have lived a glam and fame/fashion kind of idea of being admired. I realize that I have a pre – programmed idea of being admired.

I commit myself to de school and delete my pre-existing definitions of being admired and to have status. I commit myself to redefine being admired.




Day 757 – How I found desteni: Part 2

Part 2

continued from : part 1


I was first introduced to the demonology forum. This might sound scary, but we are serious about what energies and possession can do. Realize that “possessions” is what a hospital/doctor would call “psychosis”. Since I have been carrying schizophrenia and having lost of energy addictions, it was natural for me to start at demonology forum. It was logical for me, with my condition of illness. I was guided there and shown some basic structures of mind, thought, what therapy and resonance to apply. The origin and psychology. Common sense and responsibility. Thing is that I was so loooong gone corrupted of slaving to energies, I was simply very, very fucked after many years of drugs and addictions. I had to realize that I am the system, I am responsible, within my mind, my being, my body and myself breathing, something like a human. This would make up a system that is me. So within so without.  I had to take responsibility for me being me. For me accepting and allowing myself to participate, in a world of abuse.






Two things in particular was crucial for me to grasp. One thing was to build up and write my own self forgiveness sentences. That was not as easy as it sounds lol and there were some newbie  strange attempts to do so in the beginning. So it was rather challenging to learn the writing and spelling of self forgiveness. I have been half way a dyslectic, and to be comfortable with writing have been challenging.


The second thing that I found challenging was to see the difference between feelings and emotions. I would think that feelings is the high and emotions is the low, of a wave of energies. Just like that. It took me some time to see  the clear difference of the two. To come to terms with that feelings is one thing and emotions is another thing. This was hard for me to grasp. My programming was so hard wired it would refuse this awareness.



Gradually I started to speak self forgiveness to myself, and this was the big innovation of me. Like going backwards, finding my own innocence. Becoming physical, forgiving the great mind enslavement.


And there was lots to study within this new me. Equality and oneness. Who are we really as humans ? What is our origin ? Why are we here ? Why is there abuse/war ? All these questions and many more is found within the language and writing of


It is a waste database of knowledge and investigation to see and study. To listen to Bernard Poolman on YT. To hear his words and to see what he would see. To not believe the portal but take it all into consideration and just hear it and then apply it, within the system of self. The messages of  is a very practical and common sensical message. It is sanity and what is best for all. It is what this world is literally screaming for.


For me with schizophrenia, was through the portal able to show me what is schizophrenia, and how to best deal with it. Now be clear we are not doctors at, we are ordinary people investigating life/dimensions. I have been able to reduce and marginalize my schizophrenia with the tools taught to me at  In particular the self forgiveness have been of great support, and I have deleted lots of bother within me – physically/interdimmensjonally/of mind. I have gained lots in practical terms, of where I am and how I live. Also self honesty, self trust, self responsibility, self aware, consideration, regard, living words…. the list goes on and I am truly grateful and humble to be. With the tools of I saved my life. I am still puzzling myself together.


So who every YOU are – holds something truly unique to offer you and your living. From my experience I would not waste a second more – but get right on it and start the process to walk – to make it a good world for us all. We are the system(s). Lets walk into equality and oneness – for what is best for all.


Thank you for reading




Day 756 – How I found desteni: Part 1

How I found desteni

Part  1


I have been skeptic to this world and its system(s) since I can remember.  This would very easy lead me into drugs and sabotage of society as it was presented before me, when I grew up. I would deeply oppose systems, what I saw of authorities, structures and organization of things in my surroundings, that would lead me to a very unstructured and unorganized, life and living. I was basically living in chaos, disturbance within and without, from very early on. I am today aware that I was born schizophrenic, so my life was sort of destined to be  a “bumpy” road.

In 2008 or 2009,  I was doing drugs, both doctors prescribed and hashish/weed, together with lots and lots  of alcohol. I was a somewhat a busy artist, painter, with lots of girl friends. I was multiple addicted and very restless. My anxious and troubled nature was becoming a serious problem. Lucky for me I was born in Norway, and was under the wings of the health care system.




I was at this very evening, visiting a friend, we were drinking and “partying”.  The party’s entertainment,  came from the more and more popular youtube (YT), that would play in the many homes during drinking and partying to it’s different music and tunes. Lots of beer and sigaret’s and lots of YT.

Then my friend, whom I was visiting, asked  me: “Would you like to see a portal ?” I can’t remember my reply, but anyhow he found a video, on YT, with the portal, doing a portaling/giving a message. I remember my jaw sort of fell to the floor. I was … quite shocked. This was now real. I remember feeling like, PJUH finally a solution to humanity’s misery and problems. After this very brief introduction, I was still possessed with energies/mind and addictions/enslavement  and substance as such. But a certain spark within me was moving, I was aware,  and I thought to myself there is no going back after this. I would in my schizophrenic mind see/experience the math or the metaphysical reality/imagination that was shifting, within so without. I could see or experience, thoughts like, there is no turning back now, this is it; I best get with it, and join in.

This will change the whole thing (world system).

That was my conclusion after seeing the videos of the portal on YT. I did not know what it would ask or … demand of me to do or investigate for my own sake. In 2010 I was still very, very lost in energy addictions. But at this time I started to write in demonology forum. I would write in that forum and I would have guiding from there to find my path or to learn myself to work on self forgiveness.


I was at this point 2008 – 2012 obsessed with schizophrenia.  I worshipped it (in my own sabotaging way) with drugs, escapism and the extreme of culture. Addicting to conspiracy. It was the winter between 2011 – 2012 I had just driven myself to rock bottom traveling around in Europe. I was totally fucked, and long lost. And I came home to my parents, just like the prodigal son. I stayed with my parents, for  about 2 years. During this time, I ended (may 2012) most of my substance/energy addictions. I also began to learn to make my own self forgiveness, to speak it to myself , moving myself from demonology forum, to (the common) desteni forum.


I was here given guidance and support with the things in my mind/my past. How to work through it. And I was from this point (may 2012) more and more committed to walk my process, in this life, here on earth. I connected with other destonians and started to study the message that was presented. To make it a  world of equality and oneness – for what is best for all.


To be continued….









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