Day 832 – good, bad or grounded

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in this state of constant fear and inner comparing where I think to myself that I have to do THIS thing or else THIS other consequence (bad thing) will knock me out, like my life is a game of competing with myself and I cling stronger and stronger to this belief of that my life is like a game or competing (drama) – and I find myself in great lack of real physical self trust.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself not to trust my own systems – my own self created systems/words of support, that I have created/discovered and built, in consistency and dedication over time, where I see that I spin around in my doubt and anxiety – not going anywhere but hurting myself with emotions – thinking in the back of my head, “I am lost”, “Pity me” or “I feel so bad” etc … where I fail to see and really take in that I make my life complicated and to difficult for myself – I make everything into a lol… debate within me, about what is intellect (or worthy) and what is not – basically a discussion about what is “good” and what is “bad”.

When and as I see myself in a state of trying to bring up a question about something that I do, a insecurity, a emotion, something that start to spin and create friction in my mind, I take a deep breath and I ground myself into my physical reality, I go humble on myself, I find a living word, to express and go with that – as self awareness.

I commit myself to end the inner discussion and to delete the trolls/voices/doubt that corrupt my being and my living with words of insecurity, anxiety and doubt. I commit myself to bring my focus into self, practical, physical self awareness and living.
I real eyes that me not trusting my systems is not because they are bad systems – the systems/words, works perfect, it’s just that I have not understood the most obvious simplicity of it.

This world we live in has, for eons of time, been in complete reverse. There is no “good” or “bad” – there is only that which is best for all. Equal life is here.

 

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Day 831 – self change and forgiveness

Slowly but ever so surely our world – and everything within it, the universe, the atoms, the elements, and all that is and has been, merges towards total change – into equality and oneness. It’s like seeing perfection and then hearing the screams of separation that taints that perfect picture – knowing that those elements – those screams – from self – can be forgiven – can even be forgotten. Those elements that stand in separation, the inequality, the greed, the abuse, the lesser than, is something that we can do something about – and we are. In fact everything is doing something about it. Everything breathes and everything is working together to create a better world – in the face of our thoughts of separation and limitations – it’s all coming back to self.
It’s about learning to live ones best standards. To be the best version of self possible. It’s about forgiving all the elements of self that does not serve life. It’s about honoring self and life, equal and one. This might sound impossible to many, but then again: I-am-possible. The end of the world, doomsday, have been here for quite some time. Everyday a estimate of 25 000 children dies from not having money to buy good food. The abuse that have been taking place by humans on earth have been massive – and that is a very understatement. But today we know so much more. It’s like we have bitten the apple of knowledge – the chase down the rabbit hole – and now we must deal with our self – because like the rabbit hole, the bible, the matrix movie, modern movements of people, and all prophets have said and are saying, it starts with each of us individually. We are all equally and individually the solution, responsible, for creating a real heaven on earth. We are all equally the key to a better life and reality to share amongst us. At the moment that relies on a few common standards. The one and most important standard, in this quest of self improvement, is to understand and change the relationship to ones own mind.
When we start to understand our own minds and take responsibility for all that we are, can be and have been, when we forgive and live fore-giving in our nature – reality, that is real change. Like Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world”.
We must start with self, and with that: self forgiveness is inevitable for what we have accepted and allowed to go on in thought (!) word and deed. When we can start to let go of our past emotions and burdens and let go of our torment, that keep us in limiting views and positions, then we can truly start to be the solution as forgiveness, understanding, empowerment, honesty and real life integrity.
This is easier said than done. For me to write out the solution, is much easier than living it in real time. Making a perfect picture is easy – living it is difficult. But we are possible. We all know that we have ways to improve, we know from instant karma what we are doing in our living – that is not supportive – yet we suppress the emotion and – pass that suppression (and emotion), on to the next generation. That is how it’s been for ages.
But let me tell you something of change. I have walked and am still walking through many levels of my schizophrenic mind(s). And I have gone through lot’s of changes and improvement and development of myself. It has been a long and difficult walk, but someone had to do it. Someone had to be the real pioneers for a better reality. To move the first rocks. So I would volunteer and start my desteni I process of facing my darkness. To face all the negative, nitty-gritty, in writing out in self honesty, my memories and by forgiving it all in great detail. You see darkness is only parts of self not yet discovered, so be careful to not judge it. I have been facing some scary and monstrous and very so horrifying elements within myself. I have faced them and I have seen them as parts of me that is not supporting me, not benefiting life. I have forgiven myself as these elements in great detail, understood the point, merged with it, and then I have changed – I defused my emotional memories. I have ended my reactions (of my memories and emotions), and I have merged with myself – fused with me – and become more myself. Through and through, in oneness and equality with life as myself.
So this is a call to let you know that if I can do it: anyone can. Don’t you honestly think our children would deserve a better reality – than what we serve them today ?
“Do onto another like you want to be done onto self”
This phrase of the golden rule is something I am practicing to live by today. To live forgiveness and to practice it in real time. It is challenging but it can be done.
Self change is possible. I am living proof. Give time to:
desteni.org
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Day 830 – creation, goals and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must hurry up and create something, I must create something huge and massive in my world and environment that has a impact that is felt for us all, where I fail at seeing that it is my work that is done consistently over time, the daily deeds that really matter that can tip the great load, and whatever I can do in my everyday life will make the greatest change – meaning it is not wrong to have long term goals in my living, it’s just that to be able to reach those long term goals, I must break it down to midterm goals and then break that down to daily goals, meaning “to do what is easy like it is hard – so that what is hard will in its turn become easy” – so that within doing what needs to be done on a daily basis I can over time complete great tasks and achieve my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have clearly enough defined my goals, so I will do that again now for the record.

 

– My long turn goal is to introduce self forgiveness as a self help tool to the masses – specifically for my share, from what we today call psychiatry and users of psychiatry, and within that create a world that is best for all to live in – to experience that safety, that self trust, of how we individually have self forgiveness as a tool to assist us out of mind’s, matrix and systems, and that we can build a world based on oneness and equality, a equal money system, that in all sense serves life for all beings.

– Then my midterm goals, is for me to visit institutions, hospitals, schools and similar places – for me to share, talk and communicate about my example through schizophrenia and addictions, with forgiving myself in great detail, to prove how I have marginalized my schizophrenia, and experience freedom from minds programs and to be my own savior. To show how self can do this – no matter the diagnosis or history, if I can do it anyone can do it. To place myself within the (matrix) system and radically change it / flip it over from my example.

 

– In my daily goals, I want to see that my example is the “proof in the pudding” meaning for me to live self forgiveness and to be fore – giving in my thought, word and deed, to assist people that are related to psychiatry or mental suffering, to assist them through my example – to see that the ultimate help and comes from within the self. And that to forgive the self is the very key in life’s quest. For me to be the best version of myself every day.

Within this I commit myself to slow down and take a breather. I commit myself to consider my words one extra time to make sure I come clear, and that my/the message is coming through, to slow down and be sure that I stand in integrity, self trust, responsibility and self honesty.

Within this I am also aware of the dimension of righteousness that might fuck with me and to know that I can’t change someone else  – they must want and walk change for them self. There is no point in me trying to force self forgiveness to anyone – that is a losing game. I can only show and tell, and prove from my example. They must self walk into self honesty – from self forgiveness, I can’t tell them they must do this. They must will it from (the) self.

 

cgw

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Day 829 – worst case scenario

 

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Photo by JR Korpa on Unsplash
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So I was inspired to write about this point of worst case scenario. Meaning what of my past, my history could I possibly see that could haunt me to this day ? What from my past could possibly if ever, have a effect, a consequence or a worst case scenario to play out in my life today or in the future ?

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have and see a certain consequence to play out, a worst case scenario to happen to me…… that would be very unpleasant to my experience and it would be uprooting to say the least, where I see that the chances for this playing out is lesser than tiny and still it lingers in my back, like a glow in the dark, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really come to terms with;  if such “worst case scenario”  should go down, and occur to me, then I simply have to deal with that then. If shit should come down on me, then I simply have to stand and face that – in such relations, and make the best of my situation. Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to run the worst case scenario over and over again in my mind, in fear and distrust that would simply drain me of energy and make me depressed.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at other people’s lives – where billions of beings suffer today, and I fear to end up like them, suffering, starving, hurting, and in abuse.

Where in I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to fully trust myself that my past is forgiven, it is done, it holds no more power over me, I can lower my shoulders and breathe, and fully and completely trust my own self forgiveness, my integrity, and realize that I am the maker and baker of my reality, through the words I live and express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my past deeds, thoughts and actions could have been of such a alarming degree and level that consequences from that point is inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to suffer badly from who I was in the past, where in this I realize that I am that suffering today as I have not yet completely forgiven myself there is still something that lingers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need that something to linger for me to motivate myself and “putt fire under my ass” – to move where I see that I have been living this believe that is how things are, and to think that is how my life is meant to play out and I have to settle with that – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see and really consider in detail and self trust, how I need to settle myself – clear and clean without that fear of consequences, and fear of any scenario that is going to play itself out.

 

 

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828 – Righteousness, morality and savior complex

 

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These days, in my desteni I process, I am once more faced with my righteousness, my point of morality and my savior complex. These a elements that are not new to me, but I don’t think I have highlighted it in a sufficient manner, meaning my awareness on these matters are not clear enough.

So what it means is basically that I have walked a lengthy process  through schizophrenia, addictions and a life in uproar and sabotage, counter to  the establishment. This sort of suffering I have more or less made peace with.  It is my making and my baking. I am very proud of that accomplishment, and have reason for so, and over all for being where I am today. Still it strikes me today how righteousness, morality and my savior complex, can strike me out and create conflict within me. I mean no one likes a righteous – to brag and be a big shot – and tell them what to do. Or similar no one likes the moralist to decide or rule  – about what is “right” and what is “wrong”, according to some standard, or what is “good” or “bad” – in life.  And lastly no one needs saving, we have to come to that point our selves  – to save ourselves – no one can save us – but ourselves. And even though I want to save others – it can’t be done – it is up to self. Self has to want it and walk it.

So again I am reminded by these 3 characters playing on within me. I will by this writing be more aware of such leveling in my mind, and flag point out to self when it occurs and these personalities appear.

So for instance with alcohol. I was very addicted to alcohol for many years. I would drink several days of the week, for many years. I was escaping with it. I was medicating my schizophrenia with it. And I did lots of hurtful things being drunk. That point of me having (for 7 years) been sober now,  does not make me superior to a drunk person or to people who consume alcohol.  However that is how our minds is set up – to moralize and to blame, judge and to act righteous and even to feel like “I have to save you”  – mentality (savior complex) to people who are in a such situation (example: alcohol consume)

This is my point here with the alcohol example, that in the slightest movement in my mind/brain when I see people drink and consume alcohol – and in a split second – I touch into righteousness and morality personalities (polarities) – where I grant myself the right to act superior, upper, above, and with morality over and at them – being a real dictator and moralist in my ways – only to prove that I am better than them – because I have overcome my addiction of alcohol. With being  a “dictator” I mean to create a new level of mind, with my living and example, to be the only value. A level where I roam lol. That you are inferior if you have not quit and mastered the addiction/consume of alcohol, like “don’t talk to me if you drink”, or “you have no value as long as you are a consumer of alcohol”, or  “you medicate with alcohol, what a lowlife you are” – such a dictating back-chats of mind and superiority/righteousness and morality.

 

So these 3 particular words: righteousness, morality and savior complex – I hereby (again) make myself aware of, and make it clear to myself that this is issues that I will look out for and to keep an eye on.

 

I will release myself with self forgiveness :

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act righteous and superior to another, where I have walked through some point – and they have not,  and I make myself “good” and them “bad” for that situation and difference. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lash out with morals and righteousness onto people that do not have the same practice, living and  awareness that I have, and that I would  feel like moralizing over them and judging them for their lack/bad and perceived inferiority to my (upper) superiority.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me into a dictator over others that have other ways of dealing with life and with circumstances – that act different to me and that have other ways of living, where I mean by dictator I would present a mind level that is for my accomplishment only that is designed for my triumph and superiority and that has no room/space for other views or possibilities.

 

 

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827 – self humility

self humility

 

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What does it mean for me to be humble with self and with life ?

What makes it so important to be humble in life process ?

 

I picked up this word “self humility” from a chat I participated in at the popular multi dimensional, internet channel;  destonians.com  – and I find it peculiar and important for me to investigate the word. I have been living this word for some days now and what I mean by that is, for one dimension, that I can rely on self; as this word. I can “fall back into” this word – instead of falling back into mind (traps and ego) With “falling back” I mean trusting myself and knowing that I have a certain understanding of the word – maybe not the ultimate one – yet, but I am working on understanding myself as this word – to express myself as this word and to redefine this word for me to change, adapt and be a better composition of me totally. To be a better version of me – which obviously is not done over night, but rather a consistent, slowly, step by step, breathe by breathe, forgiving self and living word –  process into a better me – a changed me.

So how does this word humility, look like, smell like, taste like – lol –  how do I experience it and define it for me ?

With the word “humility” I think of the word “human”. And how I relate that humans are supposed to “do good”, in life, in thought, word and deed. That would be nice –  that is the ideal. But that is still not the current reality of this world – among humanity – but then again the reason for me to write this – to change me – to a better – more humble self.

 

So further than that I would say it adds up to what is best for all. How can I live in practical terms, that which is best for all humans, THAT would be what is good for all humanity. But humanity has lengths to go to fulfill this, to live this – that which is best for all. So there for I make a connection, I build a bridge,  between the words human and humility. So humility is for me like a space within me where I can be my own friend. Where I can confess. Where I can look into, investigate, learn, expand, develop, forgive, and come to  agreement with myself. Where I can be honest with me. Self humility. To be aware of the self pity dimension though. To be of self support, to be human with me.

 

Self humility (or humbleness)  is the close friend of me.  It is a deep expression and point of consideration.  So for me self humility is to care for me and others as life. To be that shrink to myself. To be my own therapist. If we add the tool of self forgiveness to this then it’s really easy to see that one in fact  becomes oneness own therapist, or mentalist,  and best friend, and that is priceless. To reach self honesty and self responsibility, integrity – self humility to merge the expression of humility into self and become one with it.  So humility is both to debate, question, consider and investigate, but also to forgive, to show care and accept self.

I do see that I go into a sort of separation when I say that the word is a “friend” of mine, making it an exception from me. But it is only done to show how much I appreciate the word and dimension of humility.

I do also see the point of “humiliating” and that someone could be humiliated from things getting “stirred up” or in typical gossiped about. Rumors. So that is also a further ballpark of this word, for me, and something I take with me.  Still though it is the “tough love” to be humiliated. Like there is a lesson with everything. To be humiliated by self – with self – self humility/self care. There also I see self humility as a insurance of sorts that I am aware of my old scars and my minds programming, I am aware of how low I have been, how sick, depressed, and addicted I have been. So that is often where self humility would start. At a low. A deep realizing.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to face humbleness in fear of what I would need to be humble with myself with, to fear being humiliated, to fear what would open up, to fear and basically reject myself as my own therapist, to deny myself that insight and honesty within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be honest with another, in fear of being humiliated, and in fear of gossip and rumors about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame from thinking I need to be humble with me – and to think that “why” would I need that ? I should manage without being humble and within that seeing humble as weak – and to slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into polarity with humbleness where I think that humbleness or humility is weak and poor, little, petty, and down, where I soon find myself being superior and righteous to the situation like I know better than the low/weak humility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into “self pity” from self humility feeling sorry for myself, and simply dipping myself into that pity pool – where I inferiorize myself and make me into a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being  a “good person”  when I live self humility – like I am a “Jesus character”.

 

I commit myself to with humility to remember to practice embrace me and all of the situations that I am ever in.

 

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bathable

 

826 – collective self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how we are all, collectively part of the outcome that we as humanity produce every single day, from morning to evening, where every day is a lifetime, rise from ashes/bed in the morning and lay down to rest in the evening, like a in breathe and a out breathe, all within moments with self, individually and collective as one where we are all equally responsible and accountable for that end result that we produce in our day, in our life and in every moment of breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel horrified in angst, judgment and despair over what occupies the human mind – what makes us ACT and CARE and what will it take for us individually to stand up for LIFE, where I fail to really look in the mirror and be brutally honest, and bring it back to myself and my inner/outer creation/reaction of angst, judgment and despair .

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and real-eyes that whatever is created in our world – it is a collective thing, calculated from how we are trained/educated and programmed and that it is our own individual responsibility to sort out our self – to learn to know our selves, and to know in detail how our minds work – that is part of why we are here – to come to a complete understanding of mind, self, existence and life – for what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to anyone else thinking “this” or “that” about them and their living – in compare to mine, where this competing and comparing is not good for anything except what we call angst and war that we hold against each other from how we imagine we “score”, in a conscious competing game/war amongst each other.

SSstepp

 

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