DAY 878 – death wish

This is a bit of taboo topic so if you are going through a rough time or are feeling suicidal – please be warned of potential triggers in this post

Intimidating myself over longing for death.

Often when I see people who are very sick, like with severe cancer or other ways tells that they have little time left, or people who recently died, I often think like, “oooh… why not me already. When is it my turn”?  

And this both scares me and it makes me feel ostracized, because people are not allowed to dream of death or wish for death. It is not how we are used to live. Even though billions (!) of people live everyday lives with suppressing themselves, ignoring their body’s cry for attention, or other ways live simply brainwashed consumer and in all ways hurtful lives.   

I am just tired of suppressing these thoughts and my ideas of death and dying that do not seam to fit into most peoples desired narrative or ideas of topics to talk about. Should this be only for the doctor or the priest to talk about?

Often, I feel like I should either:

A: express more and share and be more expressive

Or

B: Do less, show less, and express less

This post I would say is a matter of option A

And there might be a balance to this but I am not seeing it yet.

I would like to write about my death wish but I fear that people will react.

Like I said, billions of people, I fact most all people live in denial of real life. They do not have awareness of their bodies. They do not have education to properly raise children. They do not have knowhow about what foods to eat. Etc etc

So why should I feel bad for having a death wish?

I can look at people who are in their 70’s or 80’s or older and think “man what a life they have lived. They sure can need a good rest after this battle they have been through”. And over the years with having such insights and thoughts I start to think that I would need that tranquillity myself.

I envy them their death. And it is not like I am suicidal I just feel like my work is mostly done. I am tired, like I know that most people deep down are. It has been hell on earth for eons of time.

So… Where does this lead me? I mind myself to not be depressed. I keep a steady anchoring on my inside, and I do most of the things in my everyday to live a healthy and good life. I am just tired of people not listening. Maybe I need a vocation. Maybe I need to go more for option B. I don’t know. There is something telling me here that my work is not done.

I struggle to make myself worthy to life, and that might be it, I STRUGGLE to try to fit into what I believe life should be. When the reality might be that I should just accept myself for having a death wish and cherish that honesty (!) within me. Mind myself to not go into obsessing of it, and find a balance of what I am sharing.

This can help normalize how people have death wish and people who believe that they long for death, by thinking that existence after dying will be easier. I don’t think it will be easier – rather the other way around actually.

But again, I am only showing my inside, I am only trying to unpack my mind and my systems, and expose every angle. So I have a death wish… fine…no big deal. Cherish the honesty In that and rather learn to live life so that what comes after it, ca be so much more easier and overall good. Because what we live here is creating the hereafter – and the other way around.

I take with me from this blog that I should try to not struggle to live my life, but rather accept that I am life and that there are no layout, or one size for me to fit into, or any programs on how I am to live it. Fuck that! Life can be crazy, wild and sexy. But life can be slow, silent, longing and dark. It can all be life. What matters is who I am within it. Who do I chose to be – what role will I play and how will I live my life in relation to my surroundings and my relationships.

Let’s choose life. In what ever way we can.

Thank you for reading   

DAY 877 – Toxicity

How am I toxic to others?

I wonder how I am, or how I can be toxic to others. This concept has been on my mind for some time now. It is a worry of sorts. It is also assuming things of another. (Remember: never ass u me)

We know today that the latin word for virus is translated to toxin and poison. So one can say that we have a world of people being toxic to each other. Aka virus.

So, yet deeper what does poison and toxin mean today in my world? It can be toxin in my food, in the air and in the water I drink. But one place we forget or refuse to look is in our thoughts and our believes of mind.

How can my own thoughts be toxic to me? Here we can open a door for some real self honesty.

Be my guest. I stand to support.

“Being toxic” is like imperfection of self. That is my core definition that I live by.

So if I care for my food and my air and my water, what else can I do to live less toxic?

I can FORGIVE all the poisonous structures and patterns in me that make me think toxic thoughts. So I start by looking at what type of polarity is representing the thought? Once I have identified the thought (construct), I look for what sort of subconscious drive that is pushing it. This means what sort of BELIEVE is behind it. Then I can start to forgive my way out of the worry and fear – that I might be toxic to others.

Off Corse I might still be toxic to some people – but that is on them. I will rather mind myself to find who is, or might be toxic to me and then take action to end the toxicity being created in me.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might be toxic to others in my world, where I fear that there are people thinking bad thoughts about me and that dislike me, while this all can be traced back to me feeling alienated because of things such as embracing my diagnosis, or feeling old guilt from my past, and from this I create toxicity within me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to shift the focus and responsibility from me to others where I try to make them scapegoats, because I do not want to address it, I basically reject the whole thing and refuse to take responsibility for the concept of being/feeling toxic.

When and as I see myself thinking or focusing on toxicity, I stop, I take a deep breath and I calm myself down, and I realize that I need to dump of / sweat out / forgive /abandon – stuff/ people/ habits that are toxic to me. I commit myself to investigate further what it is that is calling on my attention of something being toxic in me. (It could be coffee…lol)

I realize that there might be people or specific situations or other type of stimuli that are alarming me of something being toxic. I commit myself to keep a eye on myself and my habits to find out what is happening to me and if there are something I can or need to do to change it.

This might be as simple (?) as to much coffee, but anything like this deserves my full attention, as I strive for a better self and a healthy life.

Anyways we all know a bit more on relations of poison, toxicity, virus and imperfection.   

Thank you for reading

DAY 876 – SELF OBSESSION

Last week I was experiencing some different signs of pain and discomfort. First I was having nose blood. It was more just blood stains in my snot, but I felt a bit concerned so I went to my kinesiology specialist Kim and here is what she shared with me :

Kim : “Looks like a point of ‘not leaving much room for different perspectives’. In a way being ‘stubborn’, or ‘stubbornly holding on to’ your own perspective, but also in a bit of a secretive way. Like ‘sure I’ll hear you out but at the end of the day I’m still going to stick to my guns and just see things the way I want to see things’. So I’d say, have a look at certain perspectives and ways of interpreting things that’s ‘Tormod’s experience’. Things you’re defining yourself by as ‘your point of view’ or ‘your opinion on things’ wherein you’re not being very flexible or open to expand or let go.”

But I would struggle with seeing the point – so the discomfort moves into pain under the palm of my right foot and on the tip of my right index finger.

I try to share with Kim what I see within myself, as I struggle to see the point she is making. I am all guessing in examples. Trying to make sense of what she is saying. So she explains some more.

Kim: “it’s more ‘secretive’. So you’re more looking at the point of for instance in a way pretending to ‘hear people out’ but you’re not actually willing to let go of your own way of looking at things, so at the end of the day you already know that no matter what people say to you, you’ll still just have your own way of seeing things. So you’ll more put on a face when people talk to you, as if you understand them but you’re actually not willing to.

Words that come up with the foot point are arrogance and ‘flights of fancy’. It is also related to the previous point. The index finger is a reluctance to direct the point. So it’s that point of ‘I’m going to do things my way anyways’ and a decision to disregard what other people say. And a sense of ‘disinterest’ in what people have to say cause you know you’re going to listen to yourself and do your own thing anyway. So when you do ‘listen’ it is more a form of pretending, but you don’t ‘listen’ with intent and involvement. You ‘only listen to yourself’”

From here the point slowly opens itself up for me and I can see how I make myself exclusive and more than – others like when I talk to someone I don’t really listen – I pretend to listen – and always stick to my way. So here is my self forgiveness on the matter:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for moments when I talk to people, I often refuse to hear them, I pretend to be listening but in reality I do not listen to them at all, where I pretend to listen and hear them out but in fact I only want to listen to myself and my view and I therefor refuse to listen to others views and by that I become very self conscious and locked down, like following my secret desires – my ego.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for only wanting to follow my ego and to excuse myself with thinking that I have to find a living word to suit the situation, and by that excuse create a pocket – a space within my mind where I only want to listen to myself and my findings – a secret door to remain self focused and self centered in and making myself more equal – than others – here I take  it onto myself to release myself from this secret chamber and secret back door of ego – to empty all that out into nothing from forgiveness, and find myself willing to listen and hear people out as an equal to me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn about my view – where I don’t want to give up my perspective and my view I only want to stick to my guns and I do not want to give other people’s view space within me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the personality of being stubborn and in resistance to anything new or different where I only want to have things my way or no way at all.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my view is sacred and holly as I believe my findings are unique that my way is the only way that goes.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a face and pretend that I am listening to people when they talk, but in secret I only pretend  to listen and to sort of agree and to say I understand but it is all an act and a play and it is not the real me – because I keep the real me captive by my secret mind – not willing to cooperate and listen to other people, and I end up with conflict and locking people out of my world, and I make myself captive in my own mind where the me that wants to cooperate and that wants to work together is being suppressed and denied to be, but rather the actor and pretender is what is left and that is not real – but fake and driven by ego and my desires to be righteous and more equal than others.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the part of me that wants to create, cooperate and live in harmony – I hold that captive and in locked down position within me – because I do not really care what people tell me – I have my own truth and I am sticking to it no matter. 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn about my truth to the extent that I disapprove of any new findings, perspectives and views and within that to make myself more difficult to handle and I make myself more different and more stubborn.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to take charge and direct this point because I did not want to admit that this is a problem for me, since I want to be right and follow my way and not listen to others.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for trying to tone down this issue of not wanting to listen, with thinking that it is not that great a problem anyhow I can just pretend and smooth over this, it is not a big deal.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for trying to sugar coat over my arrogance and my seeing myself as more than others and for trying to hide this secret of seeing others as lesser then and to think I am more than them.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for being arrogant when talking to someone, where I would not want to listen and my arrogance kicks in and I start to judge and mock the being I am talking to in backchats in my head/mind.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the nasty spiteful shit from my backchats of my mind that would be spewed out within me and it would poison me and I simply feel more like judging the person I am talking to even more, and this can eventually lead to me breaking down within and without.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as “more equal/more worthy” than others – because of who and how I am, where I fear to lower my guard to listen to other people and hear them out properly, because I have created this wall/war between me and them and in that I make other people enemies and I ignore what they say and I really don’t care about them, because of seeing myself as more equal/more worthy – within this I commit myself to lower my wall of arrogance and ignorance of them – to give them space and hear them out for what they say and where they come from. 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this bubble of self obsession – where I am God and I am always right – where others come later and second after I have first had, within this I will take it on to be more “going with the flow” – to practice be more flexible with my living and in general be more open to hear people out.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen and solidify my inner bubble of self obsession from my knowledge and information, thinking I have the whole truth – there is no point in listening to others.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to dive deep into me and just immerse myself in me and give all my focus to me and by that over time block out others and make myself exclusive – here I take it onto myself to see another and to truly recognize another and see who they and where they come from – because there is a heavenly world out there for me to take in.

I commit myself to give others more space within me – to more hear them out and be more open to other ways of thinking and other ways of doing things.

I commit myself to listen more to what others say and to consider their words and to practice hearing what they say and if possible and best for all – apply what they are saying.

I commit myself to see others as a equal to me – to make sure there is a place in my heart for them and to make sure I do not see myself as more than them or superior to them in any way because that is simply dictatorship and abuse – and I don’t accept that.

I commit myself to listen to the people who I surround myself with and care for their words and show interest in them and see them as an equal to me – no matter.

I commit myself to live the word humbleness and the word equality.

After this self forgiveness process Kim replies to me: 

“Looks like you got the point. And yes, also when you’re working with things inside yourself, that’s also related to this point as it does take you away from listening to your environment and it puts you in a bubble of sorts. So it’s just the point of ONLY listening to yourself and what’s going on inside you and basically finding that more important than anything anybody else has to say. So it’s to just step outside that bubble a bit more and consider others as equal to you in terms of what they have to say and who they are. Cause there is that tendency to not really consider those around you as equally important as you, and so to get wrapped up in your own world and kind of forget about the world around you.”

Here is Kim’s: Kinesiology Service

day 875 – eczema

My experience with eczema

Ever since I can remember I have had rash or eczema on my skin. My mother would apply all sorts of lotions on my skin since I was very young. I remember that it was unpleasant and I would cry. I was later seeing doctors about it and the best they could do was to give me more strong cortisone lotions. I grew out of the eczema in my teens, only for it to re-emerge during military and also working constructions.

The doctors would always find an outside source for my rash. But I knew that there was something also deep on my inside. When I was about 7 years old I had the Epstein Barr virus. And I remember from that I would be lying on the sofa with a cold cloth on my forehead with my mother watching over me. I was having some deep and very strong fever hallucinations, and the fevers would later return as nightmares as I grew older. The nightmares where always similar to the fever hallucinations I initially had from the E-B virus. It would evolve much around my hands, they would feel so uncomfortable and rusty, like they where so dry and sand like. The feeling on my hands was strange and very unpleasant.

After military and construction work my eczema got worse and I had lots of dry, itchy and red skin. My life was then filled with stress, anxiety, paranoia and fear, as I was multiple addicted and also in and out of mental hospital.

I would later find some very good support from desteni wiki, about how to deal with eczema se link here: https://wiki.desteni.org/index.php?title=Health/Illness/Death#Eczema_and_Fear

This link explains how eczema come from early on suppressed fear. And also how to solve that through self forgiveness.

I learned then to work with self forgiveness – to forgive my mind body points that were creating the irritation on my skin. And self forgiveness was a game changer for my eczema. I was able to end most of it and heal lot of my irritation. I would not experience much eczema for a long time. Then this Christmas 2020, I again had some flaming up on my skin. It had been re-occurring for a while. And it was very cold this winter I was in fear of my skin cracking up. So, I had heard some good things about homeopathy and I was friend with a practitioner, and I decided to book a session with him.

So initially we talked and I mentioned my Epstein Barr fever and hallucination about my hands and how I had this hideous feeling on the skin of my hands – that would haunt me. I also talked about my suppressed emotions, from how I resisted going to kinder garden and how much lotion I would use.

So, after our session of talking back and forth he per scripted me with a remedy. It was called locopodium 200 C. I ordered it myself from the local drugstore. It was this small, really mini jar consistent of some very small pills, the size of a pin needles head. So, I took one of these tiny pills, and solved in a cup of water and drank. Soon after I was looking into myself, to see what I was sensing within myself, into my body. This deep, very deep in my darkness, bright blue flame burning within me. It was a healing that was taking place. I did experience a slight headache and that was pretty much it. After that my hands and my skin have been very good. I do not have itches on my hands and my overall skin is very good and pleasant. My experience of the homeopathy remedy might be very different to other people’s experiences. But I like to see into myself to see what is taking place in my inner universe.

This is my experience with eczema and my journey with it so far. Self forgiveness and homeopathy healed me. Link to my very good homeopath : https://spaceofgrace.net/practice/practical-homeopathy/
It is online and it is from the work place “Space of Grace” : Enjoy it !

Day 874 – Suicide talk

If you are suffering from psychosis or thoughts of suicide: I suggest to contact your doctor or local support team. I not a doctor or a scientist – I am a man working my way through my schizophrenic mind.

Why do we allow our self to entertain thoughts of suicide? Meaning why do I allow myself to give energy, thinking, emotions and time around the idea of suicide instead of simply seeing the thought of suicide – and then just go “NAH” – and ignore it – totally.

If we feed these thoughts within us, with lots of thinking and worry – we then give our energy, time and focus to the idea – here being of suicide, then it will grow & expand. The way we are raised makes this relation into magnetism – we are somehow drawn to such thoughts. It is to be said that people with mental illness have a harder time within this than most others. That means we need to learn more tools and ways to be able to deal with such states of mind. What I am learning is to recognize my thought(s) of suicide – and to see it as a fly on a wall – a dot on the screen. And to from there simply ignore it – to NOT go into nurture it or give it time and energy. If I give it time and energy – it will grow and make my life hell. But if I am able to forgive the circumstances around the thought and then isolate the thought – and from that see the thought as a fly on the wall – and then just ignore it. If I after ignoring it go into defeat and depression anyhow – the loop will just continue to recycle itself. So after ignoring it – after ignoring the “fly” I have to support myself with a living word. If you wonder what is a living word – I can explain that for you – if you ask me.

I suggest to learn how to use self forgiveness and what is living word application. I can help you with this. I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that thoughts of suicide are dangerous and wild, and that I should not play with such thoughts and in that danger reaction – I nurture the thought of suicide, from thinking that I should not do this and I am being a rebel and seeing the rebel as a cool thing and then feeding the original thought of suicide to grow even more.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts of suicide are dangerous and it is like I am in a drama/action movie and am giving the thought of suicide more and more attention from how I feed the system and components around it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my suicide thoughts are exotic and cool.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my suicidal thoughts are shameful and that it is my parents fault that I have suicidal thoughts and I should blame them and then within that only feed the emotions and system of the thoughts of suicide and make the suicidal thoughts more pervasive within me. There is nobody to blame. It is all about self change.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for after ignoring the thought of suicide – like a fly on the wall, I would go into defeatism or depression, feeling miserable, that would only feed the loop into more suicide thinking.

I commit myself to when I notice a suicide thought within me – when I spot it – to consider it as a fly on the wall and let it be just that – to ignore it – to not entertain it with thoughts and energy – and rather focus on supporting myself other vice.

I commit myself to stop going into defeatism or depression – after I have ignored the “fly”, but rather find a living word to support myself with.

Here is a video I made on the matter:

Day 873 – receiving support

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and go into self judgement, frustration and anger over receiving support, where I am reminded of the times in youth school where I was in need to extra support, because I could not understand the mathematics, and I felt so awful and bad for needing that extra support from the teachers, where I felt (and was) singled out, I was branded and I was excluded as not that smart as everyone else, I could not carry my own load and worse –  I had to make up for this lack of popularity, lack of  understanding math, in my own way, through taking on fights and conflict and other ways prove myself to the rest of the school.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself the moments when I was confronted by teachers in school where they would “hang over me” to help me understand something that I was not quite getting, where I felt so deeply intimidated and left out, smelling their breathe and fearing they should smell my breathe and I just sink into that shame, disgust and hate, rubbing my eyes, sighing, and going sour and hurt on my inside, hurting myself with anxiety, irritation, horror and hate that was suppressed deep within me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for channelling the frustration and the hate that I felt when I was 13 and 14, inwards into myself, where I would learn to hate myself, where I would grow anxious and basically through channelling all my problems into myself to suppress and hide deep within me, that would destroy me and hurt me, from the inside, from me doing what everyone else was doing with and about school.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking I can’t clearly enough express my regret and massive disappointment over school and the education system that was and that is beyond sickness.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an outcast and a freak from going to school, like school itself was making me moan, cry, pity myself, school itself was teaching me how to hate, to fear, to reject and to fight and over all making me a wreck, making me really sick and making me a criminal.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk negative about school because my parents were also teachers.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself see in clarity how school taught me how to hate and how to reject and resist life within myself, school was a true prison of horror for me and there really is no easy way to say it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times in class where I would rub my eyes and learn to turn the pain into myself instead of learning how to handle the pain and how to express myself to be able to deal with the pain and basically to forgive the pain, that I was not taught, and therefor I write these words of change.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about receiving support is something of a drag and a painful dreadful embarrassing event, to judge myself and to wake up the horrors from my school, from receiving support.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to receive support because of fear of waken up my horrible memories from school – of receiving support from teachers and how that played out.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all common school systems, like public schools should be put down asap, because they are insane and are creating monsters.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am evil of bad because I want to end all schools, but it is truly an act of compassion, genuine care and common sense.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be unpopular with people who see this different – people who think schools are ok or good anyhow.

When and as I see myself needing and receiving support, where I feel like turning the emotions inward into myself I breathe, and I breathe some more and I ground myself – I forgive the energy, the emotion and the entity that is distracting me from receiving support – because there is no need to feel emotional about receiving support – it simply is – and there is no need to judge that.

I commit myself to see support as something good where I can open up myself to receive and   where I can fully embrace and take in the support. I commit myself to immediate embrace and live the word “embrace” in situations where I am to receive support – where I can focus on how the support can benefit me and my process and possibly others.

I commit myself to keep sharing my experience of school.

Day 872 – Equality

Equality

What does equality mean to me?

In all simplicity it means to be of the same. To be given the same. To be granted the same starting point in life from a system perspective. Equality is to me to become equal to / responsible for all what is in this life, on this earth – that I can ever see. To bring all and everything back at self to equalize through self forgiveness. To neutralize/equalize self to all things and end the projected mind state. Because whatever I REACT to about this life – be it anything, like news, an emotion, a trauma, a thought – anything – I then need to become equal to that and through self forgiveness stop all my reactions over the matter.

This is what was Jesus message on earth. That we are all one and equal. That God is only inside of us individually – and not a projected entity in the sky. Jesus was used and his story was altered so much that it could suit the people in power. The story of Jesus was so much altered that what is left of him is something he warned us to NOT create – a religion. How evident is that?

Jesus was the prophet for real equality. Equality was his message – though the script – the bible has hidden this in deceptive ways. So, what is equality? To me equality is best seen in the money system – where we today have the perfect inequality. The gap between the haves and the have nots has never been greater. Poverty is staggering and billions of people suffer under inequality – while some few have all the money.

To me equality is best seen in the money system – where obviously we need a new system and an 100% equal money system – for all – that will change everything and literally create heaven on earth.

Equality is to me a matter of realizing and understanding – because we have today drifted far from the message that we know is best for all. For me with schizophrenia equality is to be to equalize /become the same – to my mind and my internal systems. To end all my reactions and to end the bothering constant thinking. To bring stability to the math of me – to stabilize my mind, as my mind, being and body merges into one. So, oneness is also a key part in this with how to manifest equality of self and by that in the world at large. So, there are reasons why Jesus is still so popular yet few really understand his story at all. They make it about God and the light, which is a great deception in this. Jesus was about equality – that is the big key here. For us today to become equal to our own minds systems – to realize ourself as the creator of our desteni and to find the responsibility to walk self into the perfect oneness and equality as self – so that we can live together side by side as – equals.

Equals as one and the same. That we practically have the same value. Like with a money system of perfect equality.

The government and the united nations say we have equal rights -but is this really so? Is not poverty and all the abuse proving that this is not the reality and not lived on practical terms?  

What is equality for you?

Another cool blog about equality : HERE

#equalmoneysystem #equallife #onenessandequality

Day 871 – self forgiveness on self judgement

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being schizophrenic where I think that being schizophrenic means that I HAVE to have a miserable life – because that is what Wikipedia tells us about the life of schizophrenics and I have to follow that because that is the norm.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a sick and deprived human being – because of my schizophrenia – where I take it on to live the sickness because that is what is expected.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as the black sheep of the family and to think low of myself like I am an outcast and a freak of the crowd, where I find that I am not much different than others at all, its just that I need some support and someone to talk to along the way of stabilizing my schizophrenic mind.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for living with self judgement to the extent that I fear I might end up hurting myself like in a accident, and I go blind on self judgement and cant find my path – but have to ground myself in my physical, calm down, and realise that I am here already.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be alone with myself – because I fear what my thoughts will tell me lies of self judgment.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind system.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I should have transcended my mind already.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself as not good enough, thinking my life is worthless.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having weird thoughts – where I fail to see that the thoughts I have are not me – they are not real.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on pictures that I see that pop up in my head – where I must realize that such pictures and such thoughts are not the truth of me at all, they are a part of my mind and non-reality of metaphysics, and I can learn to ground myself in my physical body, to use breathe, and be my own saviour with stabilizing of self in the truth of me the anchor of self and the being that I know I am on a universal way – and to be stable and grounded in my resolve as that being I know I am, find myself calm and confident about it and build on self   trust.

Day 870 – patterns of schizophrenic paranoia

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of war within my mind of playing games between my personalities where the one is always after the other and that this war game and chase of myself as different personalities, is how my schizophrenia is rigged and programmed to play itself out and that is what is going on within my mind of 2-3 personalities are constantly chasing each other around and around in my mind – creating a living hell. My solution to this is to forgive the energies that keep me an addict to the personalities/polarities/believes – to release myself from the mind addiction and find myself grounded and aware in my physical body.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in distrust, fear, hate, paranoia and simply tons of emotional bothers that I would hold against my personalities one at the time – where the one lashing out in emotions at others is also a personality, and that is why it seam impossible to get out of.  Within this I realize how difficult it is to find stability within my mind – but I will keep at it – working my way through the schizophrenic labyrinth of hell.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into a state of constant war against myself – with different personalities carrying different traits all part of me – part of my responsibility to sort out because even though it is all fake in the sense of being only feelings and emotions, thoughts, opinions, believes etc – I still have to take responsibility for it as it is me who is reacting to it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for information that I stumble over that make me go into this state of absoluteness and static depression, prostrative, paranoia from taking in different information, and I feel like I can’t get out and I need to talk to someone and lift on my veil – that is my best remedy atm to air out my mind and voice myself on being stuck in my own rut of paranoia.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take on new information that might shake things up a bit that is controversial and that many would say is conspiracy, that might resonate with my own finding of reality and matter, where I often go into this absoluteness and static state and can’t get out of – but force myself to stay in, until my prostrative paranoia breaks loose and I have to seek support in order to vent out my mind. What happens is literally a disaster where paranoia takes over – until I can vent it out and find stability in the sense that we are all in it together and that we are facing consequences not only for ourself but for generations past.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to mystify the words “paranoia is the mother of thought” – where I believe that I belong in that state and awareness, I have to create and nurture in this paranoid state – failing to see that it is  a poisonous (paranoid) state of mind, and that I don’t need to think to be alive – and I see today what I do then, is that I take on the sins of the fathers – I feel guilt and believe I must think my way out of it – and literally take on lots programs from my forefathers and that this math then is the creation of my thoughts aka paranoia that I experience often from reading information and theories that shake things up – like with conspiracy theories, where I realise today, what sort of math these theories operate with is often in concern of past – history – going way back in time to past generations and literally facing the sins of the fathers today, and this resonate also with me and I therefor take it on and place the sins of my forefathers and guilt on myself and this load make me feel depressed, prostrative and paranoid and is a leading cause of my mental problems of today. Within this I find it important to note that a lot of these theories all carry truth to them – its just a matter of knowing who self is and what is self responsibility and what we must let go of as our collective past to be able to create something new.

Day 869 – Self Forgiveness on desires

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to fight to have a relationship to fight for my desires, like I want to fight for my “right” to have desires, and believing that such ideas in itself can give me a relationship, like some law of attraction bullshit, instead I realize that being in a relationship in itself is not going to solve anything rather complicate everything in particular because of my starting point of minds desires and ego.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up my desire for a relationship believing that I need to have that sexual desire in order to secure the relationship – to control the partner and the relationship into my ego/desires wants instead I will practice on letting go of A and the relationship idea about sex and desires – to focus on me and not go possessed over dreaming of sex/desires.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of A because I fear that I am letting go of a potential relationship instead of realizing that as I let go of that I can start something new with myself to open up new doors into me and ground myself more within self and learn better to know me intimately and in general: to practice letting go of things.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have control over energies and physicality, over A to control the relationship into a agreement of being a couple – trying to satisfy my desire, instead of realizing that minds desires will lead to catastrophy like we see with all our dysfunctional relationships and families build on mind experiences and not on common sense – best for all physical reality.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to have desires is part of the solution, that I will defend my right to look at boobs and buts and bodies and to secretly fantasize about sex, and I tell myself in my secret mind that I do this in order to secure that I will one day actually have a relationship, which is based on lies, ego, fear and deception – so instead I take it to myself to bring that desire back to myself to cherish me to love me and care for me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight for my right to look at boobs and butts- to think that I must allow myself to look at it and to allow myself to stare at bodies and secretly believe that I need to do that in order to secure myself a relationship/desires, instead I take it to myself that I will tend myself and care for myself and give myself that love and care, comfort and intimacy and let go of the superficial desires and be myself – unapologetically – give myself back to me and love me.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for having misunderstood sex, desires and relationships, to the point that it has become all ego driven, all sexual desires driven and all fear driven (fear of not having) that would build this idea of how I need to fight for my right to have a relationship and a girlfriend and that I need that in order to satisfy my ego and my mind desires.

For now, I end this with a quote from a friend:

“At the end of the day it’s about just living that decision to not go into the programming/desires”