Tag Archives: emotions

Day 806 – Boys don’t cry

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Today I experienced a breakdown, emotional energies would build up within me during morning hours, several complicated details/thoughts, and before I knew it I was simply fully possessed with anger, depression, fear and resentment in a breakdown within my mind experience. There was no danger involved though it was very uncomfortable to be me. This break down went on and it was becoming more and more painful. Until I stopped myself and sort of took a real step out of myself – to get a overview of the situation. To zoom out. And I realized that I had to accept the state I was inn. Once I got a overview of the situation I could tell myself ok.. I am having a breakdown, I accept the goddamn fact that I am having breaking down. I had to tell myself that It is ok to break down. I did that, once I made that clear to myself that:

 

“Tormod: it is ok for you to break down (and cry)” I did not need to cry – it was not that deep a possession, but It was pretty bad, it hurt me.

 

At that moment:  I accepted myself within the breakdown, that is where it all changed within me. It was like the code that ticked and clicked open the up the door to peace, ease, calm, tranquility and comfort.  I was now in charge of the actual breakdown and possession – instead of me being under its control. I could direct it and so I did. I directed lol… the energies down into the ground. From having had a energetic hell-game within my body from my mind – where I took charge and directed all the energies in my breaking down – into the soil. I was outside, mowing the lawn, so it all came to reason. It was like a puzzle that finally made sense. Through my body into the dirt. This was done after I had declared that acceptance of me.

 

The game changed when I took a step back and re-evaluated the situation, and accepted it. I embraced it by telling myself “hey ; it is ok to break down Tormod – don’t take it personal !” From that point I was in charge of the energies within, so could simply release the energies, by directing them  into the ground, under my feet.

 

This sort of self help I have developed over a period of about 5-6 years of practical walking, living and forgiving myself. Learning and understanding myself from walking with DESTENI I don’t think that is a lot of time once you consider the skills I now have developed. To simply be able to take charge, and direct ones emotions into the ground – is just so fucking comfortable ! It is simply beyond. So I needed that reminder of how to act/behave once a possession is active and I lose myself to energies – how to gain direction of myself within that situation.

 

So today the practice was a good reminder of how I can alter my reality and take charge. A good reminder of how far I have come in my process.

Here I talk on this experience :

 

 

Here is a cool video from Sunette Spies :

“What does it mean to be the captain of the crew and ship that is your life?”

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

 

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

 

Me on soundcloud:

 

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Day 775 – the living word

Hard-wired-for-struggle

 

 

What words will I use here in this text ? Who knows.. I will use words that I know of, to make my point understandable and digestible by you, the reader, about my certain topic.  I will use words to describe a example, and to connect and relate different expressions, statements, styles, and parts of my text together. From what I already know. I will also challenge myself with trying more new and/or advanced vocabulary and constructs, to further reach out there, with my words.

The words I choose are based on my past programming me, first being a child and youngster growing up until today. What makes me to precisely me at this moment. To understand this dimension it is important to understand how humans are programmable, and within that how mind works. It is a study of a life time, and you would be totally amazed of what you could find realize and discover about just you!

 

Humans are programmable.  Just imagine how much money is spent on advertisement. It goes beyond imagination. There are some very, very accurate documentaries about this topic. The century of self by Adam Curtis is one of the very finest. It lets us know how the first spin doctors of commercials and consuming culture was operating within or from  the field of psychology and what made the human mind of programming. The social experiment of “milgram test” is another proof of how easily swayed the human mind is, to obey to for instance authority or given rules. To understand the world we live in with its rather chaotic news and happenings it is important to know how the human mind is programmable, hardwired, complex and very, very much like the PC, computer and inn detail constructed. There exist not such a understanding of the world politicians today. So we have leaders that are really not our true leaders. A true leader would know what the human mind consist of. How consciousness operates, that we are programmable, and so on.

The fact that the human being is programmable  should be something for a jaw-drop. We have let us sway by ego and thinking into this state of war and greed, pollution, harm and abuse. The words that describe our daily reality is not nice words. We are all often tormented and haunted by evil thoughts, and conspiracy,  imagination, fears, anger, ego, sadness, blame, nervousness, depression, believes, perceptions, projections, opinions …. and the list goes on. These emotional fucked up states is one of the very core things that keep mind in its power position of governing the self within mind authority. Though you can’t see it (the mind) you can see its outflow and effect in the daily life and our patterns of addiction, behaviors and/or abuse. This state makes us go angry and spiteful against another. It is everyone’s great loss. And it is rooted in human slaving to mind, slaving to ego, slaving to thinking and slaving to polarity/energies. This here is what we all should be taught at school. This is basic mind functions. That makes this world into the chaos it is. With the projected evil thoughts, imagination, fears, anger, ego, sadness, blame, nervousness, spite that is all mirrored into the rest of existence. Into addictions, war, rape, murder, child abuse, poverty, pollution, crimes, hunger, sickness, abuse of animals and inequality. The projecting/thinking loop is doing its thing; and it is sabotaging  life. The one reflects the other and we have to start with our self. When I change, the world changes. If I want to see a specific change, I must then live that specific change. For real. And that is how we can alter it all, one by one, breathe by breathe,  starting with our self, locally and be that change. To for-give the spite, fear, anger, depression, superiority, angst, blame, and all that and then change from it. I am not saying it is easy, but  it has to be done. The change involved is inevitable. Life is aware and we are rolling and moving. Then if we all can pick up doing this, for – giving our self (it is the greatest gift to self)  – then the world changes. It is a awesome trick.

 

Consider this; it is easier to brainwash a person that it is to convince that person that it has been  brainwashed.  That is simply fucked up beyond – and it goes to explain the chaos we are inn. Fact is we are systems, walking mind – zombies, very much like the computer.

 

Here I find living words a very cool support to me and my day to day living. This moment I focus of the word “benevolent”.  It is a very interesting word to me, and there are things with my relationship to this word, that is emotional and somewhat reactive – those emotions and reactions I can forgive,  I can for-give within myself, learn, grow, understand and  change myself within and as this living this word benevolent….

 

benevolent.PNG

 

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 753 – more on the word: organized

more on the word: organized

 

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a continuation from blogs:

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2017/01/19/day-742-living-the-word-organized/

&

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/day-749-becoming-more-of-me-expanding-through-living-words/

 

 

today I redefine this word again :

 

organized: have a certain structure, to keep it neat and uncluttered and also to have comfort within ones environment.

I today take on this word, within. A new process opens up with walking with words more on my insides – letting words guide me within, and sorting out more of my thoughts and emotions.  so I can birth life from my physical, meaning I can be a example in my own flesh / body for other people to see and realize/wake up within them self/mind, to live more fulfilling living for what is best or all in equality and oneness.

 

I have been walking now with this word organized for quite some time, and I have grown within this word. I notice that I take my time with such a word and I don’t know if it is because I jump to other words to fast, and act within being unorganized. Or if I simply needed to take that time. I guess it is a  mixture of both.

 

I now see opportunities and possibilities as well as response – abilities open up for me with walking with this word on my inside. I find this very interesting and fun to see with my real – eyes. To be intimate (into – me – I – see) with my body.  I think I will take this gradually and really mature within this word.

I go through my day with all sorts of things going on within my mind. Self judgment and certain emotions like angst, or depression,  and I take out and look at how I can live this word organized in such a relation to disturbances like emotions.

My mind is a reflection of me. If I am in my nature grounded, stable, firm and  organized, THEN my mind with be the same in return – to me. It is basic math, that goes to prove the equal and one relationship that one have to develop within ones being (body).  I make most of these realizations from working physical with my body. That is where I nurture my awareness – the  most.

 

Meaning …….. you might not have seen the last definition yet !

 

For more living words and how-to see : SOUL

 

 

other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

enjoy breathe !

 

 

 

Day 747 – emotionally addicted

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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take on/attack myself with angst, fear, judgments, anger and depression, and for not being able to clear the house/my body completely of these emotions (…) and then simply returning to self, with a more concentrated personality/mixture of these poisonous emotions and to crucify myself within my flesh/body with these designs, over and over again – not seeing until now the infinite looping returning to sender (me) like basic math.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be done with judging/blaming myself so it returns from the ego/consciousness with greater force since now I am aware of it, I know it is “there”, for it to knock me out and to crucify me and make me hurt.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself feel like letting go of emotions, and I think to myself they are simply imaginary and they don’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself dump my emotions on others/project it on others – simply to have it smack me out of my chair in the next turn.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to learn my emotions from scratch.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like emotions got me doomed.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to think that they have it so much easier than me.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at, and try to make sense of  this looping of emotions short-cutting me into little pieces and making me suffer – from the design of the conscious mind and polarity/energy design, like a rollercoaster/blender from hell.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is my schizophrenia – I have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop the conscious looping and energy games – it will only cause consequences for me.

I commit myself to look closer at the bigger picture here, and to look deep into myself, about looping /playing games with energies in my mind.

sooo…

loving the fear & the angst… (looking deep inside)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can express more/be more explicit/creative, when I am inn angst and in anxiety and this then gives me a sense of freedom within being lost in angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like angst since I feel like I can express more freely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a tool to manipulate particular in ways to gain sex and to try to use fear to gain sex to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to “like” fear as a tool to have/gain/manipulate to have sex.

here I talk more on my schizophrenia : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO3fFWY-jh4&t=0s

here is a cool interview: https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia

Other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

Day 736 – emotional target

carrying the blueprint of schizophrenia – more easy emotional target of mind

 

karlsoy

photo from Karlsøya, Troms, 2008 (?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak and fragile, and for more easy take on energies such as anxiety from my daily living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get over anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim in some strange game of life where I fail to see that I make these choices myself from within and how I chose to live my life breath by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could delete my schizophrenia in total by forgiving all its components something i am doing, and untill i have done this i will easy be a target for emotions to knock me out in my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself into a easy pray for emotions/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how i make a choice in choosing to take on energies and emotions or components within and how i am the one making these choices – i must take responsibility for it, move forgive and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is a very firm and “made” fact that since i have schizophrenia i more easy sway into emotions, failing to realize that anything is possible and i am a creator of this world to crate my own destiny.

 

 

Here I talk about schizophrenia and my insights

enjoy:

 

 

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.org/