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Day 855 – self worth mathematics

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A thing about me, that I would like to make very clear, like “Chumbawamba” would sing it in 1997, is that I often find myself low, in emotion, in lesser then, ostracized, as an outsider – when meeting and working with people, where I would need to express myself, to participate, I would be expected to express myself, and in these moments I would as a common denominator start the expression of me – by me being inferior. I would start down low in emotion. This stemming from a pattern in my childhood of how my expression was not seen or valued – I would then as a child start to judge my expression and slowly poison and abandon myself and the part of me that still was this innocent expression – so I would then poison and abandon a part of my expression –  a part of me.

So… in most situations, I find myself in lesser then, and I have made it my thing, like I know it is to millions out there – to then seek approval and acceptance from other people. I would look at them and seek permission and acceptance and allowance for me to feel good about myself. For me to feel self-worth and self-appreciation. I would look at the other person, and then imagine that I can allow myself to feel love, worth and appreciation – from them accepting me – needing the others imagined grant. I think to myself that I need to feel appreciation and self-worth only in my perceived and imagined acceptance and approval form the other.

It is quite the fuckup, agree?!!

Like I need to feel self-worth – depending on the other. There is nothing wrong with being loved or accepted and appreciated by others – but I sure would like for us to see the basic common sense in that this state of being must come from within the physical being of self. If not, it would not exist at all. Again – the mind is a smart trap to make life difficult.

So, I take it on myself to start to live more the words “self-worth”, and “self-love”, because I deserve it and because I need to be able to express this on my own, no matter what I think and believe others might think or perceive of me.

So again, a reminder to live the words self-worth and self-love from the physical within me – because what I think or imagine that other see me as – is nothing but mind games, and in that I stand inferior. So, time to stand up and be of physical self-worth and self-awareness.

Some self-forgiveness to go:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need another person to be able to stand on my own.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison and abandon a part of me from me, where I would abandon myself from my own self-expression, and start to reject myself as this childlike expression.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and judge this particular childlike expression – that is still me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must first lower myself and pity myself, judge myself to then seek approval and seek permission to be worthy and to feel loved – from how I experience myself in imagined relation to another where I feel I must have their permission to be.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be –  is to crumble myself down down into the abyss of me – to find myself crippled and scared and hurt, for me then to seek approval from others to stand up, to rise and shine, to seek approval from others for me to feel loved and to feel appreciated.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the  resistance and the noise – reaction within my mind when I think that I have to be the low down dirty schizophrenic and that I am an outcast and that is how that is – where I feel like I need to seek approval and acceptance from others to be valued and loved. I would need others energy/feeling for me to then sense and feel that ok now I can love myself, now I can appreciate myself, now I can feel worth – because such is granted to me, from my imagination, of the other person.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on another to seek approval of being me – to be able to have a life and to be worthy in my own flesh and being.

I commit myself to live self-worth in the real time moments when working with others.

I commit myself to strengthen my stand as self-support to be real as the physical being of me to give myself that honnor and self-worth.

I commit myself to find myself as that poisoned and abandoned kid and to embrace that kid as myself unconditional and to love that part of me – my innocence and my physical – to give life to life. That is true self forgiveness and true self-worth.  

Investigate:  desteni

Day 854 – Depth, intimacy and sanity

 

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Photo by Juan chavez on Unsplash

 

 

A short story of my life. It is me who is living in this body. I was tonight, a rather hasty but also very much enjoyable and at times very easy going friday afternoon, enjoying the deep sea from a link from a friend on facebook.

As I was scrolling through the post and at all the time keeping my cool, I thought to myself what a remarkable experience of the depth in my chest. Depth in my chest. Equal to the page I was looking at.  A newness, a silence, a sounding and affirming respect and intimacy within me.

I was reminded of life. Of my own look at myself in the mirror.  I have since the last week, made it my goal and sincere ambition to. talk. to. myself. every. time. I. see. myself. in. the. mirror.

 

That is mostly after I visit the toilet. That toilet water that eventually run out in the ocean while the ever material is used as fertilizer. But this post is about depth and sanity, and a little about intimacy. It is all connected and there is technical homeopathy in every drop.  That is the most and the core information I know about that specific chapter of my every day visits – I swear to dogs that it is the most of my knowledge about that taking place, and that more knowledge and awareness and perhaps even phone calls and searching online to the local sewage service company of other theories and information, could be added to my response ability on this specific field.

 

After these very fast and compressed details of my awareness, circumstances and comfort, I can then see the person I love and adore to my death.

 

Myself.

I lift my chest case to the picture of the dude, and start to gently but in a very charming way to giggle, I say something like; “Well, hello charm-face”, I might continue with something like, “You know you are the man” and similar affirmations to suit the comfort and living application of and into me. It does not take long time. I just see that charming fella and I say my honest gay appreciation of that face and circumstance.

 

I have been doing this for a week. One fucking week. I can with the depth of my chest and tail bone connected – present to you that it is the best drug anyone could every serve self. I have been tapping into some debt of myself, in between these mirages that appear like the purest grace ever to me dealt with. That being said I have been working for 8 years straight, with some, like myself, first amateurs that have since the last decade and so, through trial and error become experts of self. Experts of self. Nothing less. The real deal of why we are here in this arabraxas and complex, consequence and horror of self and our collective living on earth as the human that we say we are.

 

I look out the window tonight, after the loveliest supper that is in humbleness is served with bread and fish and Jesus, and I see the darkness and the rain outside. And I sink into that within and without. Within I sink in my chest, an affirming and really comfortable sinking that also goes outwards into my breast muscle and specifically my nipples. My tailbone and my buttocks. Because it is me. Because I am worthy of my own gratitude – my own praise – worthy of genuinely feeling myself.  Because I allow myself to sink into myself – equally to sinking thousands of meters down, down, into the abyss of the sea where there is zero light and a pressing quiet and a finding of self that I do not yet know of. There I see on that link from my friend, into the sea, I see into me: a intimacy, I see into me myself and my integrity and my core of self. My heart in the rain. I see that I am part of everything and that I am everywhere and equally responsible for all and everything that takes place – from my physical body – the only thing we know is real.

 

I see that everything, every thing, has a breathing to it, sort of like everything is moving, like Greta Thunberg says there is change coming and it is not reversable, there is nothing none can do to stop the changes that we have been taking on and that we are living and that are here: presenting.

 

I see Neo in matrix, that there is nothing else other then oneness and equality as life. And that everything in separation of that life, is from fear and is based on ego. I find that fear and that ego of self and I forgive it – to be able to understand it, and that is what we destonians do – we change self as the problem: to be the living change of the world.

Depth, can add a lot to one’s process and perhaps also a healthy curiosity. To me it brings clarity, focus, centeredness, oneness, sanity and intimacy. I am truly grateful and humble for being in this body and for the process for me to walk.

There is a time for everything and for me this time affirmations in the bathroom mirror is a tool that I take with me further for the time being. I am humbled and baffled by my genuine and honest approach to this. Let’s see what we can do to bring some more of that change.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 852 – making self-love real

 

I recently posted a picture with a note on facebook about the polarity of love. That is in itself fine and clear. The “love“ we find of mind system is a polarity and it is highly commercialized and for consume and abuse of life. So, what is the solution to this – I point at life – that life is the new love. And in very many ways that is perfectly correct. So, I need to specify it for me – what in my life is self-love – for me – appreciating me.

 

For a very long time, I have been living with making other people great – greater than me. When I work and exist with people – I have made them great and superior – in order for me to be less and then to be petted and “given love”. I would deem them as greater and me as lower – and from this position I would expect and crave from them – love. That have been my main source and definition of love.

 

So, I find today when opening this up – to study what is in my mind with writing, mind constructs and self forgiveness. I learn that I do need some love – and I need to define this love as something unique for me of my life. In other words, I need to find what is self-love for me.

 

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I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for in the moments of co-work and co-existing I go into this role or mode of seeing various other beings as greater than me, I deem them as superior to me, and in the same moment I make myself the inferior of that polarity, I inferiorize myself and make myself small – like I need to have love from them – I would addict to be petted and loved – like I am a hurt puppy – and to then define “love” as some feeling that I only get from others.

Within this I take it to myself to redefine what love is for me – for me to truly establish what is self-love, and to make that something I can apply to myself – on a daily basis of self-care/self-love.

 

So, I will work to define some elements in my everyday to be that of self-love for me – and end the polarity game – because that is not real – it’s a mind game – and there for not in support of life. I find today in particular three elements that are my type of self-time and self-love. Ocean bath (or cold shower), forest walk (or stretching / yoga) and reading a book or a newspaper. Three elements that sustain my quality of self. My self-love. These are three elements – there are more situations that are self-love, but this is to simplify, to make it more easy to define for myself.

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Investigate  desteni

Day 851 – The Magic of self

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Hogganvik Village where I live, south west Norway

 

 

I was born schizophrenic. It was “in the cards” for my reincarnation lol… In the west we are not used to use words such as reincarnation – hey, at least not when I grew up! That being said, growing up as schizophrenic I sure did find the best family and probably country and time to do so.

 

What I want to convey to you here, is the solutions to my illness. Schizophrenia is a serious illness of mind and self. Schizophrenia is basically when there are 2 or 3 personalities within self and mind that are at the same time trying to be in control and direction of self and body. There is a war within between these personalities in the mind/self. From this internal war – there is then the symptoms of voices in the head, hallucinations, paranoia, pain, conspiracy of thought, confusion and lots of problems within ones living. What has been common with me also – is that I tend to project out of myself – new mind units – personality platforms – so that I would have to answer for 3 or 4 different minds. That is also quite disturbing and stressful way to live.  The psychosis or war in oneness mind is most often activated in new situations with new people.

 

That is the basic of how my schizophrenia have been playing out.

 

So, what are my solutions to this advanced illness?

 

For me to start with my medication was very important. For a very long time I worked against the doctor’s recommendations, and medication. So, for me to start to cooperate with the doctor about medication and ending my own usage of drugs, alcohol and porn – was essential.

 

The second part that I will present here is without comparing equally as important. And that Is to start to work on understanding self. In order to understand self – I must forgive myself. It is the self that needs to be forgiven – by self. This can be a challenging pill to swallow for many but if you look at it – what have you possibly got to lose from for- giving yourself? And what do you possibly have to gain?

I am telling you from my experience that self-forgiveness is a real and ultimately super power to heal self – from within. To understand self as mind and at the same time you find the grounding and stability as the physical of self – the flesh – and to let go of the metaphysical/imagination/mind. It’s the job of a lifetime and its brilliant. An endless empowerment potential.

 

There are also many, other ways to add to self-process that will heal one. Things like walking in nature, painting, cold bath, writing, reading books, making blogs, to preform in some way, to glue and dig and bake self into a new self. To change from ones preprograming. To change from the destructive and abusive self that we have been, as separation, and inequality. To bring everything here back to self and into oneness and equality. Or equilibrium if you like.  It is us and it is now.

 

 

So, if you know of schizophrenia here is my advice, cooperate with the doctors. And be certain that you at the same time – start new things, like jogging, swimming, painting, baking, cooking, several new activities. One must simply do it. Consistently.

 

For me to write out mind constructs with walking the desteni I process, and to learn to forgive myself and bring all of me into – yes, an equilibrium, from forgiving the polarity and energy addiction, letting go of fear and ego. To become a better me, in thought word and deed.

 

For me today writing and speaking self-forgiveness – to me – for me – is the best medication.

I do still have medication from my doctor, and I have a stable and sound relationship to that, it is what I need for me to function better. So, to add to that at the same time – is writing out my mind, to over time, quantum forgive myself, to learn what is self-honesty. To bath in the ocean, to work with my hands, to cook, clean, play and sing.

 

Self-forgiveness and the desteni I process have changed me and saved me as much as the medication have. And I am grateful for the existence of both for my support and well-being.

Like I say there there are many ways to support to self – be sure to find yours. Pleas ask me if anything is unclear. We must be here for each other.

 

Medicine can keep me afloat, keep my head above the water – but that is not a comfortable way to live just like that – so with desteni I process I am able to rise myself up, and become responsible, creative, caring, honest, understanding and forgiving self.

 

Give time to investigate : Desteni

 

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Day 850 – SNEAKY

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I realize today, that I am living a specific pattern from years back. It is a real tough pattern that I believe blends a bit with my schizophrenia and mixes itself with some believes and addiction systems and whips there is the sneaky character.

 

From I was very young I learned to steal. I do not know from WHO I learned to steal but I started very early to take a few kroners here and there. This would go on systematically since I was 7 or 8 years old, and it would blend with my schizophrenia systems – or at least that is how I see it.

 

Today, more than 30 years later I like to say that this time is past me – it’s gone. And though I have ended the stealing, I still find today that system character of being a sneak. Like a thief that would sneak in on something – take something and hide it. Back then it was for the adrenaline rush and the experience. Today my mind uses this system – this error to sneak in new thoughts and new systems into me – to further occupy and possess my mind and my conscious with thoughts, feelings & emotions – the holy triangle of mind’s dope & cravings.

 

One more time. Today I catch myself in sneaky sabotage systems – where my mind tries to sneak in desires, positivity, spite, pity, blame, fear, worry or ANY sort of ENERGY MIND SYSTEM into my world – to pollute my awareness – to fog and make my reality complicated and metaphysical.

 

I notice that the sneaky character (that is a personality/system within me) wants to seduce me by promising experiences and escaping, from my pain and troubles, with feelings and emotions – like selling dope to myself/my ego. It’s the addiction ticket.

 

So I will note this and take onto myself to end this system of sabotage. I can reverse it and drive it back to the physical – through self for-giveness  – because I am the one who started it and created it – and I am the ONLY one who can truly deal with it – to forgive it and live the best solution – after having properly forgiven it. So I will look at my addiction to adrenaline in particular and the sneaky character that wants to sneak in the system of me – to clutter my awareness. Because I do NOT allow for this system to take root – to poison my awareness – any further.

 

 

Give time to DESTENI

 

 

 

Day 849 – survival mind mode

“How to be in this world – but not of this world”

 

Looking at this statement and pondering what it means, and how to become clear about the meaning of these words. To be able to be in this world we all need money to survive. And living the life that I do this means that I don’t have to worry about my survival. I have a steady income and I have some consistent supportive routines around this point. But to be able to be, and live in this world everyone needs an income. But how to not be of this world – that is the hard part and I would like to break this down into the smallest denominators I can.

 

To not be of this world, could mean that I don’t take on all the shit that is here. I do not participate in the normal stuff : that is accounted as normal. Normal being worshiping a God, or getting drunk every weekend, to do weed, to use porn, to talk gossip, to blame others for my misfortune, to judge and to be a troll, to act out of fear, to be entertained by my mind.  To separate and to abuse. That which we know to be normal – and that is quite insane and horrible if we look at it.

 

So, I choose to be in this world, to give of my solutions like I do here with this blog, instead of drinking beer or watching porn, I do the dishes or write a blog or I read a book. I go through my mind in self forgiveness, again and again. Rinse and repeat like it is a martial art.

 

And I step out of the box, the white light energy grid, the unconscious that keep us down, into separation and abuse, I forgive myself in honesty until I can stand as a self-support as physical realness – with focus on my body; my body : my temple, my beingness my universal being. Where I can use my mind to test stuff out, to plan, prepare and to prevent.  To use my mind constructively – not as an excuse to gossip or blame or judge or suppress and escape. But rather to for-give.

 

I choose to stand as the living body and being, the living word outside the white light energy grid, because the white light energy  is part of what has been holding us down for so long – again, in separation and abuse. The real deal, the true salvation has been resting within, and is to be lived at the ultimate solution, from within to the without – creation of a real heaven for all – from within self – lived and expressed out to reality.

 

So, to be in this world – yes, I am living on planet earth and breathing and pulsing so, BUT I do not want to take part in the mind games, ego and abuse that has existed as our reality.

So still for may people it is clear that they live in survival, the billions that live life in poverty and misery. Or the billions of animals that suffer – for them it is still survival. And this weight of survival has been holding us all (!) down under the spell from mind consciousness – white light energy grid. So, we must let go of the program of survival – to be able to change our reality. We must be able to step out of our box to be able to see clear how we can be change.

I look at my own experience:

To be in the game of weed, to smoke weed, I knew only weed, and I only wanted to do weed. I was addicted to it. From understanding my systematic (!) addiction to weed, I was then able to end the addiction. In the game of survival, one knows only survival and will fight for it to the bitter end. One is then addicted to the survival programming – of ones own mind. Failing to see that both weed and survival (in different ways) are PROGRAMS of mind. To end the survival programing – one must understand the systems that drive it.

 

And it is up to us all to realize self, beyond our mind, beyond minds programs, to stay in physical awareness as the flesh, as the physical reality, the awareness of self, and be the living word of change.

 

So that I can show people that are living in mind systems, like survival, that such mind systems are keeping us all down in lesser then. To be occupied in mind games is a great poison of our world. Its time we start to realize that individually and collectively life the veil of the white grid, and unite, cooperate and live the best version of self.

 

The very most interesting part of this is to look at how for example I ended my weed addition from understanding the addiction from my mind systems (polarity, thought, imagination, believe etc) I was able to end my addiction to this weed mentality – from understanding it.

What are we possibly looking at if people can understand their survival mind programs that are keeping them at where they are, at survival – are ONLY  systems of their minds ?

What if people and all of life that live in survival mode – was to understand that the very most important key that keep them down in that state of survival – is because of a mind program?

What qualities might we start to see, if people, and all of life,  started changing from within this awareness ?

Investigate : desteni

 

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Day 848 – true to self

I forgive myself as my Beingess, my Innocence, that I have not accepted or allowed myself to fully real eyes how self-honesty goes deeper into the physical, into matter, into essence of me, and I feel lost and disengaged and alone, where I need to apply the tools, of breathing, self-awareness, self-forgiveness, and slowing down in the moment, because it’s simply life process evolving and moving within and without of myself and as the deeper/new levels of self is uprooted, and I am watching the calculated consequences of abdicating responsibility of  life essence play itself out, in media, and in my day, I find that I must stay true to me, true to life, stay real with my applications and be the one pluss.

Here I forgive myself as my Being, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for the negative chatter in the back of my head that is saying that “I am not worthy of standing”, “I am just a scrub”, I am simply a depressed schizophrenic”, “No need for me in this life” –  from today; knowing myself of being stable and integrity as being as life, where I feel like bending my knees down in submission to the mind chatter, to simply fall and surrender, where I take a inbreathe and I chose to stand, firmly, and stable and rather surrender myself to that of self-honesty.

I will forgive the negative chatter – when I see it – and strengthen myself with positive affirmations. There is a time for everything.

And I forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fall, where I fear to not be able to see and notice the points that I need to properly forgive and released within, and I fear to fall on my own knees – to obey some lie – some mind chatter – of non-reality.

Within this I find it hot like a potato (?) the idea of me standing and for me to remain standing and not fall, because that is my continued proof of pudding – it’s my making and healing of me – from the desteni tools that are proving to work. And even if I should fall, I can again (I-gain) rise up and learn from that falling and stand more secure.

We are all individually a infinite deep well of truth. Writing and self forgiveness – as self discovery – is needed over all.

 

Investigate : desteni

 

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