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Day 865 – voyage of void

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that since I find this empty space within me, this void of sorts I therefor need to fill it up with something, like I have to make a show and a broadcast/entertainment out of myself and my free space, where I fail at recognizing that I should simply allow myself to have some free space within me. There is nothing wrong with emptiness, I don’t need to fill it with anything. I can just be my own space within – for me to breathe and perhaps if needed – give others space to see and realize self.

I was dreaming last night about finding empty spaces within me. I would have this urge to fill it up and to occupy the space with so me gadget or what would be seen as “value”. Like to make something out of nothing, but it did not sit right and I felt awkward about what I needed to do with it. I felt like I needed to develop that nature within me – instead of allowing it to be an empty and free space within me. Like we see in nature what we often think about is to develop and take profit of nature. To extract from nature – to our benefit. But nature also needs (today more than ever) to rejuvenate and heal from man’s abuse. So where to start with giving nature more space and freedom to heal? I start with my human nature. By allowing emptiness and void, a free space within me for me and my nature to heal self. So within so without.

My process buddy gave me a quote for me to look at here it is:

“The void is not the void because there is nothing to be empty of”

Day 864 – make my mind sexy

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of emptiness and void within me, feeling there is a lack or a empty space within that I have to fill and “make desirable” – I feel like I have to make my life and living more likeable more sales worthy  – it is like I give my mind the task of making my life more desirable and according to my mind the result of this is that; in  my dreaming my mind produces porn for me to watch in my dreams, I find myself in my dreams – watching porn, and that is not ok – obviously – because then I start to desire porn and sex pictures and such imagination in wake life – in separation of self and life – where I see and realize that I need to first define and sort out the emptiness and void within  me – to properly define that and then  after that – if needed – find something to fil the void  with that is of life support.

So, the emptiness is basically feeling like I am ready for next level. I feel like this level is complete and done. I feel ready for next challenge basically.  And it is also a stability point and mastery point for me to recognize myself as a being – meaning I have come very far in my process, and I have achieved lots and realized lots about self. So instead of following the Mc Donald’s way of  making my mind reality more “sexy” or basically for me to dream of sex and porn, and follow the system way of just feeding my mind with energies and images – like the dead mind zombie robot that I have prior been – I would need to ground that and find my stand in that and find something that I can fill my void with, some interest or something where I can believe in myself again and not lose faith because of dreaming of porn. But forgive that and like with this writing understand that, find something that I enjoy that can fill my void somehow. This might not be easy to alter, but I will not give up.

So this is about understanding my mind, and then to believe in myself, because I have come far – and I have accomplished lots – however I will not slack of and simply let mind run its course – I know that would lead me into suffering – I will ground myself, honor life as the physical real awareness that is here – waiting to come alive as godhood of flesh of self (to make it biblical lol) So I am here – standing as solution to self.

Investigate : https://desteni.org/

Thank you for reading.

Day 863 – self forgiveness process of life

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around myself like on eggshells, fearing to make mistakes and fearing to screw up – giving into this personality of clamming to be neutral in life, where I fear to commit and I feel like backing out and not being seen or heard,  sinking into me with no direction or plan – just wanting to vaporate as a being, within this I realize and see within me that making mistakes and doing “wrong” is part of life – that is how we learn to do stuff – right – and further I commit myself to simply do – to act to be and to live – and to not fear the mistake – but take it as a part of a learning curve. Also further than that – when I make a mistake – I commit to embrace myself and what goes down – completely – I commit myself to LOVE myself and the mistakes I do – fully and completely, again as a part of learning.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the dominance of my inherent schizophrenia structure – personality platform – within my mind and now within my body – that is the core of schizophrenia to me – a sort of stage or platform for 2 or 3 personalities to fight/balance each other out – and to conquer each other seemingly eternally in a fight for dominance over me, instead of realizing that even If there is such a sick game in my mind, I know and have proven that I can still take charge of the physical  & being of me, to direct myself and move according to what I can assess in the moment is best for all – and not go into the seemingly endless schizophrenic depression and sorrow – that I recognize within most people living with this illness.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and in doubt and worry of my own being – where I fear to make mistakes, and I fear to screw up this math and recipe of mind system – leaving me then in a state of deep penetrating anxiety and I drain myself by giving into this anxiety that is a polarity and a program of my mind that is mining my physical to keep up the looping and polarity games in my mind, and this seeing and responsibility of know-about – that the mind box extracts physical resources from my physical body to keep running its systems of polarity and believes of mind – just like big cooperates exploit he natural earth for its recourses – and neither is sustainable – so I am ending my own inner exploiting and abuse of me as a natural physical being – giving life back to life.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated and in sorrow over being presented information about what some people are willing to do to hold on to assumed power, position and money, meaning what level of inner greed and corruption and deep down abuse that humanity is willing to accept as a part of their own mind – inner reality and THEREFOR also on the outer external reality and life that we face and live. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated,  depressed and inferior in comparing to specific people that live under certain conditions, codes and certain laws – where I find in myself and I see in another that specific concept that even though there are people who are wiling and also that in structured manifest and family weapon etc – in all obviousness – present themselves as abusers to stay in power and money positions, that still tells me that : I am looking at the man in the mirror and THAT person is who I have to deal with – that my inner most sick demons that have been part of my thoughts and reality in this life –  are equally mine to forgive, alter and change as self.

 

Also within this I find that awareness and knowhow from the dimensions and where Mykey tells me through the portal:  That which I find unforgivable and impossible to accept as myself – where I keep judging myself is where my view and movement is skewed into a position of judging myself – because that – back then I could have made better choices and lived a better life,  but I did not, and the abuse that I lived, I then need to view today as a story – and what I can then do to alter my standing and within that my understanding of my own position and belonging to such story. And it is within that UNDERSTANDING of self as a partaker in a story – that I can go back into the memory/story and live it differently (!)  to free myself from the system placement and energy addiction with mind consciousness system of the memory by forgiving myself – AND change myself as the partaker in the story, and end the self judgement. Meaning I needed to go back to my stories that where haunting me and rewrite my experience of the stories. I needed to rewrite the story – this will not change the past – but I can change the story – and it will change who I will be in the present and so the future.

 

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Day 862 – Schizophrenia and mastery

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This construct (personality platform mind construct)  is some of the core of my schizophrenic experience – walking this life with the illness of schizophrenia – using self forgiveness and the desteni I process to real-EYES myself as life.

Here is a snippet of some self forgiveness that I use to assist and ground myself :

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch into myself – on my inside – as a being, in fear of not liking what I find on my inside – fear for disliking myself – disapproving myself – where I over time grow uncertain and full of doubt and worry that again feeds me with anxiety – and then breaking down – the full emotional game – where I need to realize that I must stop this loop – to stop the wheel of the emotion & hamster/believe/energy running in my mind, the fear that is giving ground to the doubt and worry, the fear that I let govern parts of my being, fear of not being liked, and to truly forgive it as the polarity and mind energy & self judgement that it is – and to short circuit the whole design and stop it from possessing me into constant breakdown loops – within this very self forgiveness sentence – I see again – in retrospective, I see into my being and my nature and I find that I need to – here practice living words, in order to not fall into the pit of doubt and worry – but bridge myself over that pit – and by that stop the emotional loop – with the application of a living word such as enjoyment, gentleness, grace or tranquilo – to live a word and make it mean something to me and my nature.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear certain things in my surroundings like to not be able to trust myself fully – where I fear to reawaken my schizophrenia and “fall and fail” into the pit of schizophrenic suffering and despair – like I use that to threaten myself and to not be able to fully trust myself – instead scaring myself with such scenario, always thinking I must be the “hard working ant” in the process, and failing to realize that schizophrenia is energy, polarity (personality) mind systems and I have solved the schizophrenic riddle – I know my schizophrenia and I will not allow it to grow into possessing me like it used to – because of the process I have walked with mind constructs and quantum self forgiveness, and because I have now the tools to assist myself so – instead of falling into the pit of fearing schizophrenia – I will make sure that I can stand up and understand my schizophrenia and my mind, and from that take charge and direction of the whole of me – to embrace my mind – and live words as myself, to redefine words and be in and with the words as myself, words such as stable, grounded, rooted, here, awareness, calm, easy, relax.

 

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I take on my own inner design – myself as a being  – and the task of self realization and self mastery – I will honor myself as life.

 

Questions about Schizophrenia   <—– see Tormod’s videos

 

Also see EQAFE about schizophrenia

 

I am here

 

Day 861 – Transforming

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I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the urging feeling  of needing to break free from the old system – the old me – like a chicken bursting through the egg – like I need for it to crack and open for me, I need the newness and the change of matter – I need to see the creation of a better world – and I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not understood and taken into me this nagging addiction – just before breaking free– the come/calm down  – from mind obsession and addiction to polarities of the old self and system –  that have held me down and it is this urging of some new grand awaking and change I would like so much to see – again that is bringing up the addiction to mind pattern – like I am now going cold turkey on my mind addiction.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to fully take in and realize that – grasp of air,  to confirm to self that when there is something new and birthing, there is equally something old and dying – with every start there is an end – and this tells me that we need to keep moving in circles – and not in pyramids – that is for sure, I and this is cementing and making my standing and integrity more firm and clear – as a point of stamina to self and life – again that pyramid structure and hierarchy is dying and the circle, cooperation, ecology, and  the equality is here sprouting.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the dying process to suppress the part of me that is dying (the parts don’t die of suppression) – where I rush through to the birthing of the new life – celebration – that I expect to come, and I forget that I have process of dying also to care for – within and as myself – similar to strengthen my strengths and also strengthen my weaknesses.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the itching, urging, and irritating newness that is like a ich on my skin – a combination of letting go of the old and then at the same time embracing the new,  like the season of spring bursting out new and green (spring here in south west Norway) and I feel this itch and scratch like I am drying out from having been frozen, wet and cold by winter – now heating up and realizing – seeing new ground – within myself.

 

Give time to: https://desteni.org/

Day 860 – into myself

Intimacy – my desteni I process way of self discovery

 

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For 30 some years I would seek “out there” – in the external for the clue, the big score, the healing, the dream to come true, the undefined goal.

I would soon enough tumble into drugs, alcohol and escapism – and the more far out ways of culture. It went on far, it went on so far that it almost took me down to my death completely.

But I am here today to share one of the most revealing discoveries that I have had – from walking my desteni I process. It is to start search within myself – for clues and discoveries – for solutions. Long enough had I been searching out there – and expecting & dreaming and at the same time escaping – my healing and myself – responsibility and purpose – I was neglecting my life.

It was when I would learn to see into me – intimacy – to direct my seeing into my being. That is where my discoveries are today, 8 years after – and still I am discovering – life and me.

It seam we are trolled to believe that luck, or healing or anything of support is to come only from the external – from some surfer in the clouds to save us. I had to learn to see into me. To face the darkness – to learn to not fear the darkness – because darkness is only ever parts of self that I have yet not discovered. To forgive the trolls into nutrition for my inner spire, my sprout, my beingness of existence. So, I welcome you – to look into self and be with that what you find, forgive and embrace self and learn what is resting within you: of life, of healing and purpose and discoveries beyond. It is time we get to learn to direct the focus into the self – the garden of eden – the flesh of man. That is where the healing, the realizations and life potential is resting.

Intimacy – into me I see

Heaven on earth is resting within the very physical of mankind

I want to say something more on the inner world – intimacy – of how the garden of eden, heaven on earth, is resting – situated within the very physicality (body) of mankind – within you & within me.

It means to give.

To give people space – within self so that both can blossom. I blossom from the space you give me – in your being – and you blossom because you see that you can give space and that you would also – be given space equally in another – me.

Space. what is space ? A sort of freedom, vacancy, a opportunity, a room, a undiscovered being.

If we give as we would like to receive – from self honesty – we open up self – as the heaven that we all carry within us – hidden and locked down in most of us.

But it is there as a space – to be shared – to be found – where two or more in my name (in a space) – that is where creation can take place. Create what ? …..lol… heaven on earth – nothing less, I would say a living income guaranteed – money for all is the first important step for that.

 

Thank you for reading

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1st photo by Drew Graham on Unsplash

2nd Photo by Arshad Pooloo on Unsplash

Day 859 – pyramid game of self

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A snippet of how I work my way through my schizophrenic mind and conscious chaos – into life, physical stability and awareness as self :

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war against myself to always find points about me – traces of personalities within me – the puzzle pieces of me that has been shattered and broken, that are not in tune and not perfectly aligned, that I would go into feeling inferior and in lack to and I would engage in anger and judgement personalities to go attacking myself for being out of tune and being imperfect.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war against people that I see as “pyramid people”, people who represent a superiority / inferiority to me and my living, where I judge and go into attacking them for what I see as the ruling elite / superiority, and I would eventually feel bad, depressed and angry at myself because it is me who is then the war monger and not the stable and collected being in presence and in equilibrium with me as the physical solution.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel upset, like something is wrong when I face women leaders, like my programming tells me that there is something about it that is wrong or out of tune, that either I SHOULD cherish it and within that political correctness – worship it – religiously/politically OR I would resent it and think something is skewed and out of order, and eventually I fall back to myself in anger, judgement and depression with thinking that I am the problem, because I am not worshiping and praising like the programming tells me to. Within this I see that it is my starting point of feeling inferior to women leaders and that is my “pyramid” point to correct – to ground to myself as my physical presence.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to find the neutral point of my pyramid, but that is still a pyramid so it is a waste of effort and the same deal, rather; the BIG idea is for me to NOT REACT to seeing/sensing the pyramid within me, but for me to EQUALIZE to it, o not react to it, and to ground myself as the point into my physical being and body stability – that is the solution and equilibrium that is missing in this math and polarity equation of me.

I commit myself to keep grounding myself as the physical and when ever I sense the pyramid / polarity construct emerging, take a deep breath and stabilize – ground into the physicality of self and being – for me to be that calm, collected and stable point in the situation and by that be equal to everyone.

Note:

The war and balance/fight between personalities (2 or 3 personalities) within self – is typical to the schizophrenic. A war and a fight within self as static personalities.

 

More to study about the pyramid : see article from Bernard Poolman

Day 858 – What is perfection?

What is perfection?

What do you think of when you speak the word perfection?

What is then imperfection?

What is a perfectionist?

 

I realize that I have walked “perfection” with my bread baking.

I enjoy myself greatly in the kitchen and I have been for a period of 3 years or so been working to make tasty sourdough bread. Now… I need to say that I did not walk this with the INTENT of making it perfect. I made the bread because I wanted to see if I could make good breads. Simple as that. Over the last 3 years I have been fine tuning it. Learning by doing. I have had lots of success with it and I have been able to see potential faults and I have been correcting myself before something goes haywire. I guess that right there is the story of my life. Taking on that cautious suit after having seen or experienced the downside or potential damage.

 

So, I posted a picture of my fresh loaf on facebook the other day and I realize that hey… I have walked this into perfection. I made the bread perfect and the perfect one is me. I will again go to great lengths to say to be aware of perfection and self and to know some sense of balance and living.

 

I was made aware of a series from Atlanteans on perfection from 423 til 433. There are some FINE interviews on eqafe – from the Atlantean series about the dimension on “perfection”. I strongly suggest to check them out.

There is lots to say about perfection, but what I find so far, is that there need to be assort of automation and drive to it and to not use it as a carrot on a stick – per say. But there is lots of dimensions to it so I suggest to check out the interviews from eqafe.

 

From me learning to tune it, studying, listening, giving it the needed work and time, this process have grown on me. It would not manifest without the discipline, ethics and perseverance that I have come to learn from walking my process with desteni

Now I will look at studying my process – my life hacks, of baking bread, to expand this math, and work  into other parts of living. Like to bring that math (!) into cleaning my bathroom, or dealing with words and issues that can be  seen a my weak points – things that I fear or don’t like lol… This will be fun !

again I am reminded by:

“do what is easy, like it is hard, so will what is hard in its turn, become easy”

 

 

I walked my sourdough making into perfection (unknowingly) and for that I am proud.

 

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Day 857 – I am design

Repeating for the record here a pattern that I am living again.

I would write about this point also here: Day 855 – self worth mathematics

 

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I have this part of me – a guilt tripping from viewing myself as «a bad person». that: «I am a bad guy». «I am a evil man». That I don’t deserve a good life. self judging in fool bloom. Such seemingly innocent butterfly : THOUGHTS – have been allowed access within my mind & my being – to greatly limit my expression if I may say.

Such small mind – chatter (!!) have been going on within me – and creating my reality …. Again seemingly innocent thoughts (butterfly thoughts) that are far from innocent. They would occupy my mind,and over time create havoc. I know the main source of this thought pattern, of thinking “I am evil” and “I am bad” is from childhood and me NOT BEING SEEN and recognized, for my expression by adults. This have made my path often very difficult and troublesome, like the issues I have come to face. I did learn then as a young child to judge and poison this expression of mine, because that is what I learned to do from the adults. My expression was perhaps controversial and that if often how children express. We still need to recognize it as a self expression, and learn to deal with it – show the child how to handle such a expression, and be careful not to judge it or ignore it

Important for me to say : I blame no one. I do not blame or judge my parents – they only lived what they where taught themselves – from their parents. We are all equally in this together. But I am glad for the desteni support here – to start to release myself from the shackles of self judgement – and being «bad». This may not be easy for all to understand : but simple thoughts can build up walls of beLIEves and whopsi: words & action are manifested – as that which is bad, evil, and lesser then. From the learning of thinking and thoughts from growing up – self judgement and guilt (& problems) as adult. It is all making so much sense now, I can see clear. Thankfully I have support, and myself – to rely on – to become responsible, to equalize and forgive within self (!) all the nastyness & all the beLIEves & constructs.

What goes on undetected in YOUR mind ?

Understanding is key – the key to understanding is forgiveness. I am learning about me.

DESTENI I PROCESS is the bees knees !

 

Give time to: https://desteni.org/

 

 

Day 855 – self worth mathematics

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A thing about me, that I would like to make very clear, like “Chumbawamba” would sing it in 1997, is that I often find myself low, in emotion, in lesser then, ostracized, as an outsider – when meeting and working with people, where I would need to express myself, to participate, I would be expected to express myself, and in these moments I would as a common denominator start the expression of me – by me being inferior. I would start down low in emotion. This stemming from a pattern in my childhood of how my expression was not seen or valued – I would then as a child start to judge my expression and slowly poison and abandon myself and the part of me that still was this innocent expression – so I would then poison and abandon a part of my expression –  a part of me.

So… in most situations, I find myself in lesser then, and I have made it my thing, like I know it is to millions out there – to then seek approval and acceptance from other people. I would look at them and seek permission and acceptance and allowance for me to feel good about myself. For me to feel self-worth and self-appreciation. I would look at the other person, and then imagine that I can allow myself to feel love, worth and appreciation – from them accepting me – needing the others imagined grant. I think to myself that I need to feel appreciation and self-worth only in my perceived and imagined acceptance and approval form the other.

It is quite the fuckup, agree?!!

Like I need to feel self-worth – depending on the other. There is nothing wrong with being loved or accepted and appreciated by others – but I sure would like for us to see the basic common sense in that this state of being must come from within the physical being of self. If not, it would not exist at all. Again – the mind is a smart trap to make life difficult.

So, I take it on myself to start to live more the words “self-worth”, and “self-love”, because I deserve it and because I need to be able to express this on my own, no matter what I think and believe others might think or perceive of me.

So again, a reminder to live the words self-worth and self-love from the physical within me – because what I think or imagine that other see me as – is nothing but mind games, and in that I stand inferior. So, time to stand up and be of physical self-worth and self-awareness.

Some self-forgiveness to go:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need another person to be able to stand on my own.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison and abandon a part of me from me, where I would abandon myself from my own self-expression, and start to reject myself as this childlike expression.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and judge this particular childlike expression – that is still me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must first lower myself and pity myself, judge myself to then seek approval and seek permission to be worthy and to feel loved – from how I experience myself in imagined relation to another where I feel I must have their permission to be.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be –  is to crumble myself down down into the abyss of me – to find myself crippled and scared and hurt, for me then to seek approval from others to stand up, to rise and shine, to seek approval from others for me to feel loved and to feel appreciated.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the  resistance and the noise – reaction within my mind when I think that I have to be the low down dirty schizophrenic and that I am an outcast and that is how that is – where I feel like I need to seek approval and acceptance from others to be valued and loved. I would need others energy/feeling for me to then sense and feel that ok now I can love myself, now I can appreciate myself, now I can feel worth – because such is granted to me, from my imagination, of the other person.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on another to seek approval of being me – to be able to have a life and to be worthy in my own flesh and being.

I commit myself to live self-worth in the real time moments when working with others.

I commit myself to strengthen my stand as self-support to be real as the physical being of me to give myself that honnor and self-worth.

I commit myself to find myself as that poisoned and abandoned kid and to embrace that kid as myself unconditional and to love that part of me – my innocence and my physical – to give life to life. That is true self forgiveness and true self-worth.  

Investigate:  desteni