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Day 814 – the DANCE within CONFIDENCE

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Doubt and insecurity have been a part of me for a long time. It have often been a sneaking undercurrent of my everyday living. Subtly and like sinking sand, making life difficult in the most meticulous ways. All from my own (accepted and allowed) programming of mind.

There is this quote I keep falling back to, and it is presented like it is from Nietzsche that goes; “Just doubt it” – in comparing to Nikes: “Just do it” – kind a funny, like gallows humor, like to let the depression and sorrow to win one over.

*This is just a glimpse into the total process that I am walking through these emotions.

To just resign sort of. Which have been a common factor of today. We sort of give up. Drug addiction is common to that experience.

Growing up skizofrenic and spending lots of time on addictions and suppression of me, made me later doubt myself and my ability, to this very day. Like thinking common sensical about doing something, like baking or driving a new car model, where I would think initially this is fine I know this, and then at the same time there sneaks in a doubtful thought and a questioning of myself trust. Shaking my up ground.

Like taking on a new skill and a new chore, where common senisicaly I know it and there is no reason to fear it. Still there sneaks in this half thought, like doubt into me, and flip over my game lol… and so I face trouble and my chore becomes hard and difficult – learning the hard way.

Well this is about giving up on the actual giving up lol… To redefine and live the solution.
What words can be lived instead of doubt and insecurity ? Confidence, self trust, safety, solidity, stability. So that is where I would like to sail inn and dock my ship lol. Into the living of those words.

So doubt is like a slow dying, sinking sand, you could say, neglecting, ignorance, abuse, addiction, suppression, limiting believes and such (…) would possibly lead to insecurity, fear, and doubt.

Looking at the word confidence, it says almost “dance” within it, and I see that there is a memory of me learning to dance from my sister – a point I will open up in this context.
So… this is my process and I will work on what I can and know to get through this and to do that I use self forgiveness. Because I want to live confidence and self trust, security and stability. We all do…

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the polarity of confidence and to think that I can’t measure and I can’t manage the play/dance of my confidence, I must polarize my confidence and bring myself down and into doubt, for not sustaining my confidence/dance/play.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make confidence and doubt a energy/polarity play.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word confidence as I fear to be judged for my dance.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within my subconscious memory where me and my sister is dancing and expressing our self, in front of a mirror, where I fear to show this memory to people and I feel like hiding this like a secret within my subconscious mind thinking my dance is private.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as sinful or obscure, obsessed with sex, because of the daring dance moves I learned from my sister – realizing this is all stored within my definition of “confidence”.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail at my comfortable dance/act and I fail at being confident, and that I fail at my dance, from my crystallized memories of my past, where I make this absolute thing and believe about dances, to be between sexes: him and her from the discotheque when I was young.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dances, like “come – fine – dances”, to be only between sexes, and within that, to make myself inferior in compare to other boys about girls and sex.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with false believes and backchats where I tell myself that “I am not worthy”, “This is out of my league”, “I simply can’t pull my own weight” very sneaking and subtle voices in my head to bring myself down, from confidence, and into self doubt.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to level with self doubt and to think that this is how my life should be, this is me, I am full of doubt, I should just be in doubt, making it into a punishment of old mistakes, and inferiorizing of me.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that of others where I see confidence in them, and then go into comparing me to them.

Self commitment:

  • I commit myself to keep stable within breathing and living as the physical. I commit myself to honor that dance of confidence, to be playish and intrigued, to be interested in me. To give myself time, to introspect me and devote time and energy to myself and make my life 1-st priority so I can be a good example and guide for others.

 

  • I commit myself to investigate my definition of dancing and expression such, where I commit myself to find solutions to come-find dance(s), to add to my living and my expression and to be more alive.

 

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Day 813 – Who are we within our flue and cold ?

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With relating to the cold, flue and viruses that can strike us out. Who are we in such relations ? Is it not important who I am in relations to the flue ? I mean what are my honest thoughts about the flue when I am not having it ? And what are my thoughts when having it ? Is my body longing for the “break” of having a flue with just spending mushy time in my bed ? Do I actually long for a day of break from work/school ? Can that attract flue to me from how I want it and need it ? What is it that the flue does to our overall experience ?

I look at myself in these questions and I do relate to the spending mushy time in bed with just relaxing experience, that is something I would desire and for me to experience – from time to time. So in that way I have a attraction to the sickness experience…. fascinating huh ?

Our body is communicating with us all the time. And a flue is one of those ways, for our body to tell us and direct us. To literally upgrade us, in the common experience of being human. That in itself is highly interesting and may cause a attraction in itself – to have that upgrading and realizing experience.

I will release some points within me with the tool of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need the flue and to have a cold simply because of longing for staying in bed all day and just being intimate with me sleeping staying warm and relaxed, and that I would long for this relaxing experience from how I in general stress and move to fast in my normal day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not have a flue every so often simply because I would long for the message, the realization and upgrading my body would give me, from me taking on a flue/cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think positive or negative about the flue but rather, take caution and touch in on the upgrading that is taking place in the total mass of humanity in equality and oneness, from the flue in the village where I live, in the community in the world and to see, and read what mind systems, what sounds and physical effects and upgrades is taking place, study it, and realize so.

Here are some interviews about the flue : deeply recommend to check them out:

https://eqafe.com/p/colds-flus-and-the-future-part-1-quantum-physical

https://eqafe.com/p/colds-flus-and-the-future-part-2-quantum-physical

Day 812 – taught

 

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Or how the people we find the most challenging are in fact the very ones to be our greatest teachers.

I live in a village. I live with about 25 other people together on a farm and we are all different and unique beings with different past and programming.

For me in the beginning It was tough and hard to face the people that I would characterize as difficult. I would feel reactive and emotional around them, thinking “damn, what is her deal” or “why can’t he just be normal”. Or just irritated and upset about how certain people behave.

A important thing to realize here is that all the confusion and reactions, anger, fear or emotion that comes up in me, when people are difficult, is because of me. I am the keeper of the reactions and the anger and programs of mind, not them. The anger or reactions come from within me, and is triggered on how I experience this other being. It is my experience. In other words, they can’t bring up emotions within me. That is totally within my own experience and so responsibility.

I have learned to approach these people with a new “tool” – and that is complete and full embracing of who they are as beings – and also to thank them, for who they are and for what they show me – about myself. I would sit during dinners and imagine that I fully and unconditionally embrace that person. I live the word “embrace” when with those people. I would sound “thank you” within myself in consideration to their expression, manners and living – again – for what they show me of myself. Now this was not easy for me to see or live and realize, it was times where I felt so “abused” by the others behaviors lol and I felt like giving up !

But consistent and persistence diligence living the word “embrace” without a second thought, would make a path for me to see that not only did I see changes in me how I could learn patience and care, consideration and compassion, but they would also change and become “easier” to work with. It is like the situation would heal.

So; it is to do against others the way that I would like to be treated. Place myself in their shoes. Imagine the lives and the programming of mind that they represent.

This is a deep rooted skill to practice and learn to utilize and use to anyone that experiences difficult and challenging situations. It is about learning and understanding to be humble; that the most challenging people and experiences we go through, are our greatest teachers to learn from in life.

So to live the word “embrace” and imagine myself to embrace the person that is difficult. And also I find it convenient to thank them, also within myself as a thank you to the teacher that they are to me.

Here are two links on how to deal with difficult people:

Here are two links on how to deal with difficult people:

 

https://eqafe.com/p/dealing-with-difficult-people

 

Day 811 – abandoned

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I was made aware of a specific point, from investigating myself and my past, together with a friend who helped me to ground the concepts, energies and memories from my childhood. I was made aware that I had lived with abandoning myself, what is called “abandoned child syndrome”, or worse “rotten child syndrome”.

I experienced some things growing up when I was a young boy, like 5 or 6 years old. Nothing overdramatic, seemingly, though relating to it, had a hard impact on me as I would deny these memories from within, I would suppress it and deny it having happened. It could be very innocent things looking back at it today, though at the time I would feel great shame for what had taken place.

I would fear to have people know about what happened to me. Again: the memories in itself is not important as of details, only that it happened and that later I would feel great stress and shame from it have occurred.

So later after starting school – when I was like 7 or 8 years old and further, I would fear to have people know about these memories and event. So I would deny that they had existed. I would suppress them with all my strength and within so, abandon myself. I created within my own experience – the abandoned child syndrome onto myself. Because that part of me that was alive in that memory of innocent child play, was being ignored and not fertilized, loved, appreciated, lived and cared for – by me. So I was abandoning myself, further into my teens and my 20’s with addictions and escaping. I was not made aware of this self inflicted tragedy, before after I was past 30. I was given this awareness from communicating with and through the many channels at desteni.org

I would fear sooooo bad that people where to know what had happened to me, that I would deny that it had ever even happened – also to myself. Creating ground for metaphysic’s and energies, escaping, drugs and sabotage within me, cause the memory was still there, only in a shape that I could not recognize, though it will still be with me, like cinder in the dark, creating havoc and consequences in my living – until I can work through it – forgive it and let it go.

This self forgiveness in just a small part of what I have walked on this point on abandoning self from childhood years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself as a young child, when I would fear to have people at school to know about my innocent play, where I would later, ignore and deny and suppress the stories, and literally abandon myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject, hate and fear myself as a child growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause conflict at school and at home from this denial of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this point of abandonment and denial of me, rule me and cause consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame my parents for they not seeing this happening in me, and for projecting blame at people around me for not picking me up, we were all so blind by the sins of the fathers/or programs running us in loops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to pick up “the tune”, from when I was 5-6 year old and to express that life that have been treated so badly, where I must use common sense and sort out my mind and live and express in the sameness as all of me and the composition of my body the whole of me.

 

Within this I commit myself to embrace all of me – the totality of me and to do what I can to include me to myself – in my living – self honest, here, whole in the physical.

The point of abandoning is recently mentioned in atlanteans series at eqafe.com here are the first interviews from that dimension

Enjoy:

https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-atlanteans-part-478

https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-part-2-atlanteans-part-479

https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-self-forgiveness-and-correction-atlanteans-part-480

https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-conclusion-atlanteans-part-481

Day 810 – in bloom

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Recognizing myself as life through… change and persistent work.

I have lived a rather turbulent life, after my teens I was stuck in much addictions, mental illness, in the extreme of options, and often sabotaging myself and life for everyone else.

Since January 2012, when really starting to walk my desteni i process, of forgiving myself and starting to literally save myself. To heal and recover. It has now been more than 5 years  of steady walking. And it is at the moment my job, now, to recognize in me, with me, the change that have taken place. To literally learn to know the new me.

 

You can say that now I have learned to live, learning to know my living organism, my body, the physical within self. Finding a reason to be able to (be) response – able. To learn to be self honest. This I have more or less incorporated into my living. Into making my life into support and to thrive as a living organism, as a being. This have taken me lots of work and dedication. Point now is to trust myself. To accept myself as all that I have been and all that makes me. To recognize what and how I already have managed to change as and with myself.

 

Today I live on my second year in a camphill village in south west norway. I have healthy food, clean water, roof over my head. Good friends, some real work, a network internationally of people who are dedicated to working within the same as me : to become whole and complete, physical, self honest, real, best for all, versions of the very self.

Life is now blooming for me…. in many of the words meaning. Life is complex and life is dear. It is the only on we get !

I greet you in oneness and equality – as life !

 

Investigate : http://desteni.org/

 

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Day 809 – CARE

Care

3 parts on how I live the word “care”

  1. How do I live care with me/to me.
  2. How do I live care in my community/home, with my family, people and children around me.
  3. How do I live the word care, globally.

 

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  1. How do I live care with/to me

To me, at this day, the word care is loaded with expression, with the traditionally female/motherly care, for a child or for any sickness and for a individual and being that needs attention and consideration. So when I look at care I might  picture a nurse or my own mother. How me and my mother would go for walks, in my adulthood. In trustworthy conversations, walking nature with mom. Relating that I have had a heart of needing to talk to someone – carrying skizofrenia,  luckily having a mom who could listen to my words. And that picture right there is of interest since we all, humans carry a mind, we are all walkers of mind. We are doomed , to live the cloned life of a mind and all that horror that goes with  – carrying a mind. Like we are all in fact – very sick. We are equally carrying a mind, a box that from its programming governs us – so we are all equally responsible for all the hurt that takes place on earth since we are all equally carrying of our mind consciousness system. So for me to live the word care I would relate walks with a friend, walking nature through the rainy storms of mind. Deeper and more intimate I would recon I have learned to know myself and to care for me, by working my way through my mind layers and my programming, with the specific tool of self forgiveness. That is a very decent, real and honest way to not only embrace self and realize self – but to look behind the curtain and see myself as the physicality and flesh that I after all am – and to understand myself – from how I then see who I was behind the programming and the many deep layers of mind. That understanding of seeing myself and knowing who I was within energies, brainwashing/programming that healing witnessing and realizing is really to stand in proper self care. To learn self is self care. And then also for me to accept what I then – after this forgiving and realizing process is seeing and standing as – that is also a type of acceptance and self care. To be with myself. To walk with myself in self support.

 

If I walk with mum or I walk alone, it is pivotal to take my time, and not hurry but rather walk in my tempo, to do it properly. In self care. Within whatever I do. And with work like chores, doing dishes or  washing the bathroom, it can be a act of self care. And ultimately it is a deep rooted point of self care. To occupy self with work and activity, to care enough for me, to  see that yes, for me to do the dishes right now, is self support and care for me. For me to wash my toilet is care for who I am it is a point of self integrity and – care.  It is care for the body I live in. For me to have something to do on a daily basis, is self care. Further to care for my physical body is very eminent and a cool way to learn its  structure and care.  Like there is care to massage my feet every night, there is care to be diligent and disciplined with brushing my teeth and also using floss every day. That is obviously the more delicate body care. I have for instance been massaging my feet every night for some years now. Every night I bring them to my lap and give them attention. I learn about me, I am intimate with me, I care and cuddle with me. Self love. With massaging my feet. From this I learn to know the structure from beneath where I walk. I touch the soft feet that carry many, many tons of body during a day. I get to cure and appreciate my feet from their place on my body. I find perhaps points and structure under my feet, that hurt or that give resonance. I can guarantee you that massaging feet every night will give you new light on who exactly you are and how your body operates. It is a prominent and humbling point to learn to know. This attention to my feet have brought more awareness about my standing. My expression, my construct of self. I am further aware that I have a left and a right body part and symbolic and structural and expressional design. The male and female principle.

Lately I have been doing yoga on a daily basis. That is also a physical care point. Care for the physical body. Joints and muscles. Again to be with myself to work with myself and give myself time. To stretch and feel that hey I am alive, I am not just a mind-zombie. I started doing yoga on a daily basis, after a  meeting with the portal and then my mind, body and being in Brussels in spring of 2017. I was then asked to look into yoga and develop a relationship with it, so that was my reflection speaking back at me from the portal. Asking myself to develop yoga. I came back home, and I started to look into yoga on youtube, and I copied some moves and started practice it on a daily basis. Now I have to practice at least some stretching every day. Some basic moves on my feet or my upper body. Yoga is very delicate self care and it have given me lots and a deeper insight into myself. It have granted me access to communicate more freely with my body and I enjoy it a lot. From this type of care with where yoga in combination with many other types of care, would give me access to communicate more freely with my body and to listen to what it has to tell me. To be with my body. Here. My body is a living organism and it needs my attention and it must then be my care and chore to develop that intimacy and consideration, self love in any way that I can, to establish that safe and sound relationship with myself.

 

Also this very morning, interesting,  waking up in some anxiety and quite some restlessness, I was very, very eager to continue writing this text lol. I wanted to write this and prove myself. I wanted to get it done and change my living. There was quite some competition, angst and stress on writing this experience. So then I have to slow down, breathe, calm down, many times over, and forgive the competing and emotions within. That is self care, proving itself right now.  To take a breath, and move within, to slow down and not be in such a rush. To give myself time, self support, and to walk with myself.

 

Making my bed. I was looking at a video on facebook the other day. It was from the US military. And it was about starting to organize oneness life. To start do things in self support. And it was about the particular point of making oneness bed in the mornings that caught my attention. So that one can say  that particular activity is done. So that activity is cared for, first thing in the morning, then one can slowly move onto to next achievement. So that one can from making oneness bed in the mornings, start to alter oneness life. Slowly but certain. To care about life and circumstances. In the small moments, to change myself into support into care in the small moments. To reconsider, to forgive, to change and be of support and care. To become better organized, from making oneness bed. You guessed right… I have  started to make my bed lol. And it is already carrying fruits in how I relate to chores and work, and activities. I value the activity where I participate in. Keeping active prevents me from going into thoughts, and self judgment.  I focus more when I have purpose, and have a far better grounding. All this from taking hints on how to care more for myself – by starting to make my own bed every morning.

I have also been under care many times in my adult years. I have been committed to mental hospital many times in my life. There I grew addicted to the care. I grew addicted to the warm shower, the clean bed, a decent meal. I was in and out of hospital numerous times. I just wanted to survive. Being there in the clean, sterile, warm and interesting environment I learned a thing of two about care. I would see deep into the eyes of people like me, in desperate need of someone caring. If someone did not care, then what ? Madness and all hell break loose ?  Psychiatry is a particular thing. And I learned that quite a brutal way. Many of the people who I cared for are now gone, and that in itself have taught me to, appreciate life. To consider all sides of living. To be honest about who I am and my circumstances. To become responsible with myself. I have also tried to work with people with autism and handicap. I was at work for about a year on a care home, for some people with a variety of challenges. It surprises me today that I was able, then,  to push through that work and to cope with it – me being skizofrenic. I guess I wanted to prove myself to me. And it worked.  So I have definitely tested stuff out and from these experiences I can say to you don’t underestimate care. Everyone needs care.

 

So care… care about life ! To me that would mean on a deep level to breathe, to be with my breathe, to see myself to see into me what is my body communicating. I think that communication is perhaps the ultimate definition of care. To have a honest and real communication with care.

I just saw from my writing that the word “care” is very similar to “fear”. Just one letter difference. And that leaves us with the word ear…. lol… What can we “share” in the “ear” to “care”, that is not “fear” lol.

From walking my desteni i process and following the channels on eqafe and else, I learn about my mind, being and body relationship. And the many dimensions beyond that. I learn to appreciate my life and my beingness, I learn to become comfortable within my own body. I learn that it is sane to have a relationship to self. I learn that it is healthy to be aware of the relationship that I have with me.  So how is my relationship with me ? It is evolving that I would say for certain. And indeed I am glad for this reminder that care is such a pivotal point to me and that I know goes for all in this life. We are all dependent on real genuine care. From we are small babies, until the day we die we are dependent on care. Even the most hard core military, needs to care at least for self. Anything else would be a lie.

 

Right now my body wants to go out running. I am going to let it very soon. Proving self care. So I was just running and doing a brief workout – where I ended with a shower. I can have a workout and a shower every day. That does not go for all of us humans. Soooo many millions of us go hungry, dirty, dying and sick. Obviously in lack of ?? Money… That is also a cool care point to care for life, and to hold that life principle, where one says that all life must be treated equally. That is then a point that I hold higher than me, a point of equality and oneness. That is self care also to me, to avoid ending up in fear and separation within self, but rather hold that point crystal clear that I am working everyday within that life principle of equality and oneness. The fact that I am aware of the life principles of equality and oneness is self care to me – all life and my own integrity.

I mentioned “relationship to self” and that might sound strange. But ever since I started to communicate with me, to talk with myself, ever since I would open my mouth in self talk and self communication, my world would alter. New arenas and discovery of mind and being (and body) would emerge. To be considerate with myself – as everyone else and my life process. Because get this,  we are all simply one, as life we are all equals. As life we are all in its very core one. That is back to the point of equality and oneness. But also to notice that care for me is care for everyone –  literally.  Awareness and care for my body is care and consideration for all of us. Ultimately and definitely.

One last thing on self care is that every morning I embrace myself, I literally hug myself, and tell myself that I embrace all and everything that I will meet this very day. That is a awesome way to start my day. It lays a very safe and sound foundation for me to work, empower and achieve my day as I create it and evolve within it. When the night comes and I am laying in my bed, I go through my day, in spoken words to myself,  and digest on what really happened to me that passing day. So there is a proper foundation of care, all through my day and doings. And that is part of my achievement from walking my desteni I process. Making my life matter.

 

 

So a interesting point within care and others around me, is that we are all one as life and also as humanity. So that care for me is equally care for others. Meaning when I experience disturbance and commotion, that is something I can address, forgive, change no matter where it comes from. Once I can live in self honesty and care to me, well if it is genuine and real, my relationships will tell. That will be my test. Like Jesus died on a cross, that suffering is equal to how we humans suffer within affecting us self with emotions and hurt.  Jesus represents our very physical bodies. The way we treat is reflects our world – through the resonance of our bodies. So Jesus is the “way” through” how honoring our physical is the way. And from there honoring all life and everything around us. To not accept fear and separation of mind.

 

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  1. How do I live care in my community/home, with my family, people and children around me.

I live in a village. A type of community village with many other people. There are people here with mental issues and there are also children living here. Every day I go to eat together, several meals,  with 2-3 other people, in the house where I live. Living together close is not always easy and  it can rather be quite challenging at times. For me to care and consider myself and also the other, there are things that I do to be more cautious, and considerate. There is for instance, “Kari” who is a rather demanding lady lol…  She has amongst other issues eating disorder. And she can also very easy throw a fist/go into psychosis/reaction, if her opinion is not considered. So it have taken me time to learn to handle and just be around Kari. I often think to myself that being around her is like walking on broken glass. I have to be sooo gentle and considerate. But we are all constructed inn rather complicated and intricate way and manners. We all have our pro and cons, and some simply have a tougher time. That is where proper care will show itself. Will I stand ? I mean humans have done and are doing sooo much atrocities and abuse against life and against the common good. This causes illness, depression and suffering beyond.  And life throws/reflects this back in our faces for us individually to take charge and change the way of all humanity and life. So I share a common breakfast and  meal together with Kari and mostly 2 other people. Now breakfast is not served by itself. It takes time to make tea and to get everything on the table. So that is a point for me to work on to add those extra 5 minutes to assist the other 3 people with preparing breakfast. It takes soooo little and it means so much at the start of the day. So I have in my time so far, triggered Kari and made here react. This have been something that I have worked on and that I am still working on to master. In particular I would need to focus on the word “embrace” when seeing her. To imagine me giving her a hug. That is some of my focus. To embrace Kari and not reject and make her react. To care for Kari by considering her situation. To unconditionally embrace her, within me. That have been a challenge but I see clearer, now that I need to be there for her, It is part of my process and it is simply not much to ask of me to embrace Kari, and to show her some care and consideration. That is teaching me about life and that is highly rewarding for me also. It makes me to see more deep within me to support myself with care and so others around me –  can learn from how I act and from how I find solutions to “demanding” or fragile, people like Kari.

 

So Kari goes into my life book story of how can I learn to care  ? Unconditionally ? It is more and more evident that I need to simply embrace and forgive within me, the difficulty that I experience of this lady. Kari is therefore my teacher of life. Kari is telling me when things are wrong and I have to face that within me. Even if I have made her something that I have worked on to prepare or achieve, to gift her, she can tear it down in seconds and turn my “empowerment” around, which would then would become sadness, anger (?) and disempowerment. But that just proves that the achievement that I initially did was not proof. My job was not done properly….. somehow it was able to be ruined which would mean lack within construction and design. Of my dinner, my lawn mowing, my dishes and so on. I humbly thank you “Kari” for the teachings you offer me in this life ! I will mind myself to embrace you unconditionally and lay behind the self judgment and the bitterness that have been brought up within me.

 

I have a good relationship to my parents. I often participate in gatherings and company/dinners with them together with my sisters and their children. My mom and dad have also taught me quite a few things about caring. Many times when I would be drinking and drugging, partying and addicting, my mom and dad would “dig” me up from the ditch I was in and provide for me. That care is deep and has made me – again humble and considerate to others. To see what they have seen, to stand in the shoes of the other. To realize that there is no judgment once I have walked in all the shoe and considered all sides. I often these days think to myself that I would like to, offer my assistance and help to care for my parents when they become older. I would think to myself that they are going to need someone to rely on and to care for them when they become older. I would project myself out as a assistant and helper, wanting to be the good son, the good person…lol… to my parents. I don’t need to assist them now, but maybe the time comes when they need me. This is something I try to talk to them about openly. I try to share with them openly and in consideration how I feel about things and what my thoughts are. So I would like to care for my parents simply because they have cared for me. And that idea or math, is something I have to work through. Now it is in my awareness. Maybe they would be best of with a care home, retirement home, when that time comes.

 

I do my best to open up points to my parents trying to show them my process, desteni, and that there is more to life. I can open up about reincarnation, inheritance – after they go, my testament, system structure of this world, about what is belief about Jesus and “God”, my process, thoughts etc. I do my best to open up to them and I show gratefulness and appreciation for how they still show me great care. The care I share with my parents is mutual and beneficial to all. I mind myself to not care for my parents in energies, to do it because of this or that reason or desire. I mind myself that it must be open, free, unconditional and down to earth. Without judgment. I have seen much of what they have seen, and I know them quite well. At least from what they represent today.

 

I am uncle of 9 children. They are still quite young but I mind myself to care for them. I ask about school and how they think of life. I try to challenge them and ask them the “right” questions. Like “If you where a teacher what would you teach” ? Or “can you think with the belly” , or “what is your mission on earth” ? So I try to challenge them and I try to be a caring and considerate uncle to them.

I make a point of treating everyone the same. Or making a point about just that. I listen as good as I can to their words during play or TV. And I mind myself to also include myself in the play. To say “yes” when they want me – to come play with them. So that is a again a humbling process to care for children. To care for self. Care proves to me to be a quite humbling experience. Interesting. Further I do my best to see children and to listen to them to see where they come from. To see if they struggle. I mind myself to be open and free with children – unconditionally.

Many of the people I would be around, are not any longer amongst my friends. Or someone I see regularly anyways. Recently I would bump into some of my old friends and they are very much the same they where 10 years ago. Obviously they know and are aware that life and this world is altering and changing, progressing and… processing. Though much of their mindset and patterns and addictions,  are the same. This have lead me to many a discussion with them. Like talking about how there is a point of changing self, and that self forgiveness works. This would often lead me to just talking to a  wall, and it feels quite frustrating.  I see so clearly their potential and their process and how they could alter. It is right there, at the nose tip. And there are no wrong answers there are only wrong questions. So for me to be patient and persistent to keep proving myself as the “pudding”, and keep proving myself within the process I walk, to not give up and rather care more – but perhaps from  a new angle…. from a new perspective, new common ground.  I had a talk to a teacher a university about care role and the messy life style of people in psychiatry and that live with lots of addictions and very messy and dirty apartments. I have been visiting old friends and while doing so starting to do dishes and washing their place, in shame of how dirty it was. Thinking that it was care, but rather I needed to see that I felt shame from their dirt.  – Anyways, I was talking to this teacher about how these people in these homes could or should learn to become better organized and structured, how they could learn to appreciate to clean and keep things tidy. And I failed to see that was me pushing my process. It was me trying to have others see my achievements. It was me not recognizing me and my living. I tried to talk and talk about the shame I felt from all these dirty apartments. Literally talking around myself. Not valuing and appreciating my achievements and my process enough.  In vain of appreciating me and my process I would blame this shame within me making these people with their lifestyle of addictions the scapegoats. I would think I was caring but I was in fact blaming and hiding my shame. So during this talk to this teacher I see now that construct  behind it and how it reflects back to me. That teacher knew better, and when I said maybe we should find ways to “force” better structure on these people, he easily dismissed it.  So what I thought was care, was in fact blame and shame and not seeing me  and appreciating me !

There is a girl, let’s call her “Sofie”. I had a interesting experience with her last night during a meeting. Now, Sofie comes from severe trauma, from her past. She had just the other night caused a scene with blaming and accusing other people to violate her. There was quite a commotion. Now, I talk rather directly to Sofie. I am honest and real and support as best as I can.  I made it a point to myself, the other night,  to meet her eyes, and look into her eyes, to be real,  during our meeting. And I made it clear that since the commotion she had caused with blaming people of violations, I made a point about how important it is to include people and to properly care, especially in the toughest hour. I told this to the group, and indirectly pointing at Sofie. So I made a point that I would like to care more about Sofie, since she would accuse and blame others for violations. So I am a bit exited to see what Sofie will share with me – next time I see her.  I am very satisfied with my process of care with Sofie. That part is going greatly. I often see that spark in her, that flame, and I think to myself;  “can she see this herself, or is it hidden under her nose” ?  One thing I have learned from life is that everything was always right here, at my nose tip. So that it is again not  a matter of answer but rather a matter of the question asked.

 

I would like to open up more on caring and communicating with children. I see a potential there for myself on how I could, be more out there with talking to children and haring them out, Being with them in support. I recently met this young girl, she was like 9 or 10, and she was under care with a friend of my parents. Obviously she was coming from a home that was not supportive to her. (or her brother) Now I met here for like 1,5 hours at a museum. And I briefly talked to her about her drawings. She had this drawing book to make picture with her pencil. She was drawing more of less the same happy faces and people in her book. Something told me that she was making these drawings since she wanted her (parents) life to be more light, easy, fun, smooth, like the commercial, etc… positive is the wrong words I know. But that is what her drawing would tell me. I have met some children like this. Young children with, more of less troublesome past. And it strikes me to my core, how vulnerable they are. How dependant they are on adult – how fragile they are, and how messy adults are around these children, where the children don’t know what is reality. Where they end up with the same abusive life that their parents lived. That is to me a great question and challenge to investigate and face myself. My thoughts and reactions around these 4,5,6 year old boys and girls who is used to parents who drink, who live abusive lives, perhaps violence or sexual abuse.  They have so many questions and unsettledness. And they have no real foundation. No real substance to call self even. That is something and a matter that I would like to challenge myself on further, to see where I can give of me, or change me to, to make these kid’s more visible. I will remind myself  to ask myself – how can I assist these children or heal or change the abuse that is causing harm with these children.  How can I assist myself to understand where they come from ? That is to me a great challenge, to face my thoughts/internal conversations, and patterns and habits. To realize myself as responsible for these neglected children. That is some of my most prominent part of process to walk and alter, I would imagine. This is also something that concerns me greatly within.  I will humbly do my best to listen and see, where these children come from. And to consider their stories. That is where my pressure point is on care and relations, today, I would say!

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  1. How do I live the word care, globally.

I live the word “care” – globally, lol… very “intentionally” I see right now ! Like I would carry earth within me, within my heart and that “image” or resonance/detail of earth on my heart would simply “settle itself”, I would imagine or hold as intent. What I have not been living fully enough, is that my heart looooves exercise! My heart like “beating” and “pumping” – blood through my body. Where my body must then have plentiful of exercise. Meaning I must get my ass up and jog & work out ! That is me caring for the resonance of earth & hearth and  I am quite persistent on that is how I am settled. Meaning once I carry my heart, earth within the … universe of me… then it is my full and complete responsibility to resonate with earth, and so my physical body.  Today I see myself more and more as one with earth as my hearth… and I must know myself to slow down within this awareness. Further I am  more and more expressing this and similar insight to others in particular on facebook. I use facebook, twitter, my blogs, and vlogs and many other types of social media to expose the mind, my skizofrenia, this world system, and all what lies within so, to share products from eqafe, articles from desteni and my insight and learning so. It is also part of how I care globally. Further I know, and see and hear, that life is in a process, a mission of itself, to equalize and unite all life into one. Equality and oneness. That making has being going on now for … quite some time ! And that trust or awareness is at the center of creation. That awareness is perhaps some of my deepest care, at least theoretically lol. To live equal and one is more of a challenge  –  though there is no excuse, I have ALL the tools to work this. It is only up to me to place things into action – again as myself as my resonance as my body my heart/earth. So for me to live “care” globally I would try to reach out to others to let them know my and life’s stand – of equality and oneness.

I further like to realize a few things about this globe/earth and that is that it is like star, or a mirror that within a instant reflects back at me whatever I represent. If I represent death or dying and perhaps fear so… that is what earth will reflect back at me, and eventually what life will serve me. So for me to clear out all the energies cause energies will knock me out. I can’t have one polarity without the other. Meaning; I can’t have the positive without also having the polarity the negative. Clue then is to embrace the negative. But look out for the fake positive high. Find grounding and forgiveness to settle all the depression and what not.

So the earth will reflect back at me whatever I represent. And that is for me to consider. And care about me and within caring for me, for real, I prove that I am caring for earth, the resonance so.

Care on a global level is both in the small or self and daily care, as well as standing as support and stable grounding to others and in community and social settings, to participate in groups, and activity to yes, create sustainable  resonase and change on earth.

I have skizofrenia. I make it my thing to expose that as best as I can. I vlog and blog about my skizofrenia to a audience world vide. That is also part of how I care globally. What I find it that there is so much stigma and taboo and suppression about mental illness. There is even skizofrenia anonymous groups lol. So for me to care globally, is also to care for the people I know globally either it is people in Brazil or in South Africa, or In Australia or China, the people I know there are my network and they stand for a certain value to me and my possibility to reach out. Like my friend Mike says, your network is your nettworth. So that is interesting. I do my best to build a network of people to reach out with my message of equality and oneness. To share my tool of self forgiveness.

Care globally is also to talk to and sustain the relationship to people across the earth for instance on facebook. To comment, back up, support, and reply. Like a online talk/call that is ongoing, in social media.

I would also say that something I am currently discovering and that is body communication. To read my body. I understand the living organism that my body is. That way I can create and become my own “spokesperson” lol my body can express itself from its physical from sounds and resonance. My body can resonate to anyone – anything on this earth as we are all one and equal as life, and as human beings. My resonating through my body, is the way I see it –  a form of ultimate conversation, or communication. When my body feels emotional, or uplifted or light, hard, cold, warm etc… it can communicate this to.. the rest of the world as we are all connected and we are all one in the sense of life substance. And that is as simple as it is hard to grasp because we as humans are not taught to communicate  that way. We are all through words, speaking, writing, singing etc. But if we let our physical be the very leader here we have so much to come to create a better reality.

So me caring globally is a vide and deep and multi layered concept. But it boils down to my body, my self awareness and how I best can live the equality message. I would also like to start to engage in politics and in political parties. I do think it is a solution for a better world for us all, though I don’t know if the type of democracy we have now is suited for a future. The type of government we have today for sure is working against life. And that desperately needs to be changed, into the opposite – pro life. Equality and oneness. It is more and more certain to me what it will take to push this through. I see more and more clarity in this and that physical is key. Communication with physical is key.

Care globally is for me to pick up trash from the street. To ask of people to not use to much chemicals in food, soil and cloths etc. Care is to be precise and considerate with what money one has. I can go to a grosser store and care as I shop. This goes both for the grosser I shop but also to the payment and the money I send to the origin of that grosser.

When I have the starting point of carrying the earth within me, inn my body, I have a unique opportunity to create more support and structure to assist humanity and life. From that starting point of caring for earth, caring for life, within myself, I can start to build and create structure and design that go through earth, sight, and awareness, presence, into solutions, and support. I can build constructs, like words that can stand as concepts and design to support life. If I can take on me that “hat” of responsibility, and support, to create designs and structure, also words, that way I can structure life, words, awareness, and build a better reality. If I can live the word “care” within myself, as my original expression, sensible for everyone and all to hear this sound and for folks to realize the message,  then yes that would say success – saving life lol.

I do get a little overwhelmed when I see that it is much a  construction work to build this change. I used to be working construction and that work has be a bit exhausted to me and I have blamed it a bit in my process. That being said; I can see now more “clean cut” what is needed of me. Where I am needed in my process. where I am needed in life. This might sound strange but for me to be taken serious, and for me to live care, I need to be of usage. I need to use me and my potential. And to live the word care, to inn fact not change that word itself, but to rather change myself – as this word. Change me in relations to this word. That is where the fun and creation and is I would imagine !

 

For me to read news to watch news, and see what is taking place, in other parts of the world. How are we treating life and earth that are going to be taken over by our children one day. Care globally is to care for the children to come. To care for a worm, a bird, a dog. For the ecosystems that we need to bring back to origin. The tipping point here is money. And that to change the way we share our money is a critical point of change in human experience. That is something I do my best to share and spread awareness about. To create a better world we need to start with money. Eventually we would need to give it all equal – that is in the making and the best math to do.  Living income guaranteed for all –  is in such a manner – a way to get there. Basic income. survival secured for all.  To care globally is to care locally and with self’s own body. Like I started with here, self care, to care for self, is no different than to care globally, we are all a extension of the other, and when I care for my body that is also to care for the earth, if there is no separation as such. If there is a equal and one relationship between me and earth – then care for me is care for it. As we are all one. Earth, waters, animals, humans, plants. It is all – not only connected – it is a wholesomeness, a oneness. And that is life – expressing, breathing, creating, morphing evolving and expanding.

I also support with the money where I can, where I find it has best effect, like to give some money to desteni, equal life, or to positive money UK, or to other types of development and life supportive initiatives.

When I was 25 I started a carrier in psychiatry. I was receiving care, for hours and hours, and for quite a lot of money to be honest. Quite a lot of nursing hours and money so, have gone into keeping me alive. Keeping me a float. And for that (norwegian) health care system I am utterly grateful.

I have benefitted from being born in norway, a rich country, to a life in very much abundance. So there lies a knowing and awareness inn that system build up and the fact that I can also give this further. I can pass this system/construct further to other countries and to other generations. To me that is also care.

I have been involved in lots of projects and programs concerning care and psychiatry. And I still am. All along those many lines and microphones and power point presentations, I can say that: start with self. Learn yourself. Care for self – in honesty, as you are equal and one to it all – as life origin. Work with that and you can achieve anything.

Care is a dare thing, care like the word is growing on me. I have been attaching to this word now for some hours. And within so redefined it to myself, and you, and live it to honor it, today.

 

Thank you

That is it for now

Give time to : http://desteni.org/

 

Care – you must care !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 808 – thanks to desteni…..

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I was just listening to a interview of anuaki in the reptilian series, on eqafe, and I wanted to share this post on that concern. Walking my life process, I learn a great deal from others who are walking the same as me, or something similar.

I would like to take this opportunity and audacity of writing a blog in gratitude. I am so lucky to live and breathe in Norway, so I can write pretty much anything and post it from free (!) online, for millions to be able to read…. THAT in itself is a pretty fucking fantastic thing, and I am grateful for so !

I would like on this day to bring out some thanks. The first thanks goes out to my parents. My parents have through thick and thin stood by me, for almost 40 years.  They have supported me, so many ways and lengths so that there is hardly no way to measuring it.

I owe you everything, though I don’t hold that as a energy,  but I am forever grateful – thank you two, for the life that I have been given.

My boldness and my openness, sharing, consistent, persistent nature, my consideration and honesty I have discovered within myself, self discovery – after starting to walk with desteni.org and learning from the people within that group – literally to realize me! I have been able to free myself from several addictions. I rose up to realize myself beyond polarity, personality, believes, emotions and consciousness. I was to discover me and my life potential. I am grateful for what life gives me to live, today I embrace each morning and bring thanks every night  !

The one and true solution to bring me to realize self and my being is without any comparing the online group we know as desteni.org

So I want to honor some destonians here. In fact all !

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From our gathering in Brussel, spring 2017

 

Thanks you all destonians who I have walked with the last decade – your existing is intriguing and deeply appreciated. I have learned a lot from walking with you all. In particular I would like to mention a few bloggers and walkers who I have particular learned very much from walking with, and that is first of all Kristina Salas. And the blog equality walk ! You are a  awesome example of consistency. That blog and those selection of words have taught me A LOT. Your example is very much appreciated Kristina ! Thanks for all the investigation and realizations, support and sharing of your life ! I have learned lots from your words and your living over the years. I think it is about to realize self, to become better from self. So totally awesome equality walk – humble thanks.

Also I would like to thank Anna Brix Thomsen who I have been walking with now for many years – and that I have shared my online life with, from the desteni I process and from managing self in this world. Your support is awesome and I learn from you all the time: to manage self and to find life hacks – great thanks !

 

Also I would like to mention the persistent and convincing Marlen Vargas Del Razo – for  the support that you have given me unconditionally for many (!) years. The short by efficient comments to my many youtube videos and your comments and questioning and appreciation of my blogs is simply breathtaking and I owe you first a good hug and to let you know how deep I appreciate and value the support that you still give. It may not be that visible what you do but in the long haul we see the marvel of marvels, birthing of life,  and the message of quality comes through.

You have taught me persistence and perseverance. And that realizing of reward to “keep at it”, to give up the giving up basically. Your presence is deeply appreciated.

 

I would like to mention Kim Klein for the example of walking through with OCD, I have still to manage my mentality and the awareness and example of you makes my days more structured and doable.

Also I want to thank the very awesome man of Matti Freeman – your example is magnificent ! Big inspiration.

Andrea Rossouw. You assisted me and saw my potential early on I guess. Walking with me through my demons and pain. Your dedication is very much appreciated and your humor and insight is also something I precious dearly.

Lets keep walking & supporting !

 

There are sooo many people I would like to hug and thank… People at our farm in South Africa – great support – thanks all: 100 % ! ….and everyone I work with everyday, From New Zeland to Europe, to China and All over this world. Humble thanks ! The message of equality and oneness is coming through in our living practicality – and that is what matters !

 

I can’t do this post without mentioning you Sunette. You teach me to be honest, simple, daring  and physical. You all are great examples and exceptional being. I have learned lots from you all and the many events, and communications and project we commonly share. May there be many, many more for the generations to come!  I got to meet and say “Hi” to Sunette in Brussels 2017. I got a short glimpse to who you are, and I find it very interesting that you want to show yourself, not only as the portal but also as you the girl from the farm – that you are. So I double appreciate you then Sunette lol. The LF chat is super cool to be a part of – you have thought me so much… man. Heavens Journey to life…   is sooo cool. All the things you have showed me I appreciate perhaps most : the small things that we take for granted (?) stability, presence, internet, breathe, clean water, warm shower, my body, grass, animals… you are very dear to me and I want to honor you as best I can ! So thank you Sunette for your awesome example !

 

 

Offcorse I have also learned lots of key ingredients and honest perspective from the one and only Bernard Poolman. A truly unique being, whom I still visit on youtube and the blog creations journey to life, to remind myself:  what is life about.

 

From desteni the group, all of you, buddies and newbie’s, bloggers, forgivers, mothers and children, I have been given the ingredients to learn self trust, self responsibility, self honesty. Integrity. Humbleness. So many deep qualities and wonders it completes my every day.

Check out the 7 year journey to life page on FB

 

So thank YOU for reading this and let’s keep walking and sharing and exposing our process and learn from each other.

 

I just realizes that I am greater than my schizophrenia – from the words (!) that I live…

equality and oneness – until it is done

 

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The ultimate store online: https://eqafe.com/

Try out our free online course to learn self forgiveness : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

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