Category Archives: schizophrenia

Day 820 – How I work with self loathing


Dictionary result for self-loathing

  1. hatred of oneself.





I have been wanting to open up this point for a while now, and it’s a point of self loathe/self hate/self harm and belittlement and how one can understand this dimension, and most important change and recover – from this type of mental suffering.

Mainly it plays out when I start to  become uncertain, in doubt and in worry over something. Something like “did I close my door to my room”, “are the lights of” and “am I certain that I turned the stove of” –  and I can’t stop the thoughts, questions and backchats from hammering at me with worry, doubt and uncertainty.

I see this character of “self loathing” playing from the starting point of worry and being concerned, which is something that have been deeply ingrained in my life from way back in early childhood.

So from the starting point of worry, concern and doubtful thoughts, this then triggers my self loathing personality.  I start to have such a nature of,  backchats, thoughts and ideas in my head/mind of being lesser then. Ideas that tell me I am worthless and insignificant. That I am a lowlife and scum. You know if you hear that many enough times, THAT becomes your reality, and it will play out in real time.

So for many years I would live for being “hard”, worshiping the tough guy personality. Living in hate of the system.  Being that hard core rocker. Being in uproar and basically war against any form of order. This worshiping and nature of mine for some 15 – 20 years of my life – is now getting back at me. Like terminator saying in the mirror the famous “I’ll be back” – that is now present.

So from this over-thinking and bothersome state of mind, I start to believe that I don’t deserve a quality life. I think that I need to be belittled and basically punished – because I judge myself with concerning thoughts – of worry, doubt and insecurity. It is a negative spiral and the only real way out is with self forgiveness, understanding myself within it  – and self change – into new living word such as self confident and/or self appreciation. One of the ways to heal this worry dimension, is to become a master in planning, preparing and preventing – that I take on me to learn.

Also what plays a part here is the point about tidiness, having tidiness around me, and a constant judgment and concern that my living is out of order and not proper and tidy (enough). This is relate to a judgment of my expression not being tidy, and it goes way into my sexuality (symbolical expression) and judgment of my own expression and nature.

In short I end up with self loathing/self judgment and self hate from thoughts and concern about worry, insecurity and doubtfulness.

So I will work my way through these mind layers with self forgiveness – releasing the energy bundle and stabilize self out of harm from the self loath dimension.


self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since worry is a design that is deeply ingrained with me, I should just resign and give up on trying to change that part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge between positive and negative believes of mind situations where my mind tries to “solve” my worry challenges, where I must rather, when I spot such worry issues, I must ground myself, breathe and rely on my physical and the common sense nature and steer out of that worry as best possible in that moment – but also see to manage and learn well to : plan, prepare and prevent (become a master of planning) as a way to avoid worry, doubt and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the worry, doubt and uncertain characters simply play how they like with me in my mind, and end up with massive self judgment and self belittlement issues – where I fall into a spiral of anger, depression and fear – and THAT is not supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw to worry like a magnet in my mind, and to judge other beings from me going into worry, like I would judge my parents and my upbringing for this program to allow to manifest in and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to trust myself, and what activity I just did and there for sow doubt within me  and later harvest the loath and other concerning personalities/polarities and believe patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to admit myself loathing personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see how bad a self loathing personality could develop within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to self loathing personality from thinking “I am schizophrenic, so  a portion of self loathing is natural to me and my living” – and to feel attracted to self hate/self loathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract to hate simply because I want to cure it – so I invent hate in my mind and create it within me to attack it – a pattern of self destruct and simply a mind occupation/possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am such a wimp and pussy from living with worry and then also using these backchats of wimp and pussy to belittle myself, judge myself and drive me into self loathing – from thinking I don’t deserve better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that self loathing and hate (toward others) was more a part of me some 15 – 20 years of my life, and prominently so playing the hard rocker dude that would not compromise and that would not surrender, but live in sabotage uproar and in general self loathing (war) for many years – THAT past is playing out now in manifested consequence, like I would live hate – out to system before – that is now inverted towards me like basic math – give as you want to receive, my own mirage giving back to me – lol – looking in the mirror and seeing Terminator 2 : “I’ll be back” – that I have to deal with now.


When and as I see myself going in to worry and concern about a detail (stove, lamp, light etc)  I stop myself, I breathe and I ground myself with what is here. I realize that worry only leads to more worry. I must rather than giving into worry, before that  having planed and prepared my living situation, to slow down and make sure that I have done what needs to be done, I need to make a checklist. I can also cross check with my physical – to ask – is it needed to go back to check again ? But also to use such point to realize that I need to plan, prepare and prevent better.

I commit myself to become a master of planning, preparing and preventing to avoid worry, doubt and insecurity,  and such concerns that I have come to find.


When and as I see myself attempted to go into self destructive pattern such as self loathing, I stop myself I breathe and I ground myself with what is here. I realize that hate/loath is something that I would  live expressively with intent some years ago. I realize that I have to face that and such programs today – by forgiving it and deleting it – freeing self from the energy and learning planning, preparing and prevention – and further self trust as I go and change my nature.




Day 771 – the cereberus of schizophrenia – mind storage


Being schizophrenic I bear 3 or 4 minds. That is right. 3 or 4 minds (!) that always wants its own demand and piece of the cake; the physical &  the being. 3 minds that together have a core and design (that I currently see as self judgment/rebars/metal – from my programing of being) locked in their position and placement within my mind/total self experience (see drawing)   3 personalities, and one mind (4rth) who controls or governs the other 3. From my programming/schizophrenia I have learned that all these (4 minds) wants to be in control of the totality of me/minds/physical/being. And they fight for it. They have a war inside my head over being the supreme mind… a psychosis/possession. Like a Cerberus that we know from In Greek mythology (see picture)


this is how schizophrenia is experienced to millions of people


Mind as they are, are  energy systems. They are energy and they depend on more energy. If I can delete my addiction to energies, I can free myself from my Cerberus/Schizophrenia/mind and the minds control. This is easier said than done. But;  It can be done if I work on the very finest of therapeutic and curative care: self forgiveness. Together with being aware of my physical, living words, there is a fuck-load of applications that have been developed and cultivated by desteni during the years. The finest of psychology, behaviorism, self awareness and self healing tools/applications.


You see I have schizophrenia and… schizophrenia is a particular design. Like a recipe. It have been placed onto me before I was born. Why ? Long story , but if you ask me private, I can share with you why I am schizophrenic.

Studying the core elements and foundations of being human, sound, life, energy, mind, consciousness, light, dark, colors, darkness, polarity, emotions, time, space, the physical, the being, earth, relations, empowerment, self forgiveness, responsibility, money, words, animals, the universe, quantum and so on… this is some of what I have been studying the last 5 years.

You see I ask question with my living, question everything, I realize that for the world to change : I need to change. There is no other way. I want there to be responsibility, forgiveness, purpose, empowerment, real care, prosperity, life support, equality, oneness, honesty, solutions, peace and freedom and so on… for all life on this earth and I will not stop what I am doing before I see this is taking place. It boils down to equality and oneness – what is best for all.


So what I question myself is how to make my schizophrenia livable and to something less of pain and burden to myself. Well there is a lot of therapeutic tools  and  things I can enjoy and savor to do. Like drawing. Expressing, vlogging, blogging, studying and reading. I very much like reading a good book  – so I do that. I read a good book or a good blog. Or I write a post to myself like this. It might sound simple, but to many it takes some to actually do it, and in boredom and mental despair they end up drinking and doing porn… etc, etc, etc.

It is about becoming physical, and to nurture from there the being and by that math to stand, eternal, equal and one to all and everything, without bias and without judgment  – because you/I have embraced it and forgiven it; as self and made it part of self. Just like neo in matrix – he becomes it all… he takes 100% responsibility and does not separate self from anything (!) else. Not the lady in read, not money, not imaginations,  quite simply no separation it is all one and self… do you see where I am at ? Because thinking and thoughts is per definition a separation. It is a sabotage of self. So bring everything back to self and forgive. You would be amazed of the power you have and the qualities you possess. Physical is always stronger than mind. It is you and me as physical awareness, self direction and self honesty that can ultimately become the drivers and creators of our own living.


Again to stand equal and one hand in hand with all human beings. Maybe that is not your cup of tea ?  So we all have quite some layers of programming to deal with. We all have things in our lives that possess us, again self forgiveness is key – to become physical.

So for me to walk with schizophrenia is quite challenging. Luckily I live in Norway where I have care and support from a welfare state – that nobody have ever seen before – it is that good.  It makes sure I can walk a healing process, and have a life in decency – no luxury but a decent living. So I can make and share such a picture of my schizophrenia – to make it less terrifying to me who lives with it.


4rth mind.jpeg

drawing of my minds


If you are wondering and have questions please drop me a line


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Day 755 – Massaging my feet every night

Massaging my feet every night




I really want to make something out of my life. I want to do that extra “thing” every day or so often – to push myself to reach for a higher purpose. A purpose of : Equality and Oneness – what is best for all.

Basic simple math, hidden in front of our noses. The message from; Jesus, Lao Tzu, Bruce Lee, Alice Bailey, Osho, Nelson Mandela… now mine to live, are you ready to take on yours ?


To be able to live this purpose I have to really walk a deep going process to delete tons of energies and programs that have been, the one I was – before – growing up, my mind, taking on the parenting and schooling of life/society. I have dumped/deleted very, very much mind data, and energy enslavement  from within.


It is a reason why the new teacher or schooling method is called un – schooling and I myself work to de – program myself. I have been doing so the last 5 years.


By working with self forgiveness and self corrections, gaining self trust, and response – ability and self honesty, it is a humbling and rewarding process to walk.


I learn more than anything – about myself. My mind, being body relationship, from the tools and groundwork that is presented by  – it is a one of a kind “tool – box” for you to use. Check it out…

Within walking my desteniiprocess I learn more and more about me and to find grounding in my physical (body). Then a cool thing for me to add on to this, to soothen my process is to massage my feet every night. I have now been massaging my feet every night for 3,5 years. I can count on ONE hand the number of days I have lapsed or skipped to massage them from tiredness/forgetfulness. If I was on a  journey or inn a awkward position, I would massage my feet perhaps more quicker and not so intense or deep going – not use so much time on it. I would guess I use 10 – 15 minutes every evening on massaging my feet before sleep.


By massaging my feet every evening –  I learn to know myself  – I learn to be with myself unconditionally. I massage my feet every night to be able to learn to be with myself and to see my signals. I learn to know my body. I know what points to push for ears, eyes, brain, liver  and so on. It is all a part of the holistic  practice that self forgiveness is a very fine key within to discover, reveal and explore.


I highly recommend to massage hands also. It is easy and it can be done by self – like with feet, it is good mental hygiene.


To learn about self and to give self that balance and a good night sleep – try to massage the feet every night. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain lol. Massaging my feet makes me move slower in physical, and at the same time faster; through mind (metaphysical)


A thing to KNOW to be really response – able, is that all the body has points on it from all sorts of programming and dimensions. Did you know that the under arm, (lower arm, from elbow to hand) is the place on the body (your & mine equally) for resistance ?


Check out this link to dive into some real explaining holistic practice, from desteni articles. All the pain/movement /discomfort you experience has a meaning and a practical explaining. It is all a purpose, and it has all be a programme running in reverse….







Day 679 -14 days of testing Camphill living

14 days of testing Camphill living

– the decision to be made


The last 2 weeks I have spent living side by side with brothers and sisters, in a Camphill village in south Norway. It has been a very fun and interesting and most a physical experience. I have  been milking cows, carrying water, shoveling and carrying away cow and sheep shit, weeding,  making cheese,  piling woods, preparing food, caring for self-physical, swimming in the cold fjord, eating wild stinging nettle,  and dandelion straight from the ground. I have been caring for my sisters and brother s inn this village, serving tea/coffee and food,  the enjoyment of being together like  a family and helping with more practical things like sun lotion on skin and doing dishes and washing the indoors. Adjusting hearing aids, discussing world politics, listening to the village band playing music, and reading books.



In between I have had some time to computer, to read mails and to follow discussion and watch some news and some videos on you-tube.  Also just lying on my bed after a long day or work, with a good book and Per Gynt by Grieg on play.


A typical day I wake at 05:50 and get into my farm clothes. I walk out to get the cows, 6 cows, in from their night out at the green field. We take them inn to the barn and greet each other in the new day at mother: here earth.  After milking cows, which is a delicate process, we let the cows back out on the field. When working with animals I decided to make it on their premised as much as possible. I work with animals I let them decide as much as possible from cognizance/mind/communication. I focus on having an agreement with the animals so that abuse does not occur. This work design was paying off with granting remarks to me from others. My work and ambition was honor by the other farmers. Really cool and empowering experience.


At Hogganvik we make our own cheese. Really tasty cheddar. I have now witnessed the whole process 2 times and it is my ambition to learn the skill of cheese making 100%.


At 07:30 it is breakfast. Often with homemade (original) yoghurt and organic musli, together with coffee, tea and milk.We sing a short song before eating and we all hold hands and say “thanks for food” after eaten. Then we all help to clean the table and get at dishwashing. Next thing is morning meeting at 08:30 where the rest of the day is designed. We then stand in a great circle. Everyone that is in village, stands in circle, perhaps we sing a song, and greets each other and the day. Organizers and folkalizers  arrange what then needs to be done and after that we go to work. Work then could be  to help with the sheep, perhaps to change the field of grassing or clean out some dirt after cows or calves and do the designated tasks that the farmer aske of us. Fixing fences, helping hurt of week animals or cleaning equipment there I always something to do at a farm. There is currently about 40 sheep and almost 100 lambs that needs tending. 6 cows and 4 younger cows that have not yet had calves. And there are now 6 small baby claves.  There I also 8 goats and quite a few chicken and lots of cats and one big dog. Responsibility in other words.  This is a process of edification of me.


It has been quite an experience so far.  For a long time I have known that physical is important key within this existence. At this Camphill I am at physical work that is a key and an important factor. I really got to experience how well it to work physical with the body when I was participating with putting potatoes in the dirt. We would dig up the dirt and work with heavy tools. It was quite physically hard experience. I was sweating and really feeling my body. At the same time I also minded myself to be aware. Work or work – out should not hurt. If it hurts you don’t want to go back at it. If it hurts the body does not want to go back at it to participate with it. You have to cooperate with the body and listen to the body. So I was working just hard enough to feel my muscles, and my balance and my sweat I also focused on living words and my breathe. It was over all cool and fun experience to work really hard. I would work most days from 06:00 till 17:00 with long diner break and lunch breaks.  I enjoyed the experience a lot. My body was healing as I worked the soil with my tools and with the woods.  After work I took a bath in the cold fjord. It was over all a very empowering experience with and as my being and my body. There is also the opportunity to catch fish in the fjord.



Working side by side with other people you soon learn to adjust yourself to them and to their tempo and their mindset. I often have to take a breath to ground myself when working in the woods, minding not to be too ambitious and minding that stress. That way I avoided having splinters in my fingers and the work environment is over all, much better among all. Working with people that have a more or less  need of care, mentally or physically is a gift in itself and the question about whether they are “handicapped” is more question of who is asking.  How people treat each other in this world, and it is those who judge in the high office and in the streets that are handicapped and not people with what you could call on with a more honest intellect.  I am not joking.

One thing that would fuck with me was my eczemas. My hands become red and itch. So I have to work on myself and my history to clear out that stress points within my body and within my mind. The eczemas is a point of fear of this new change in my life (moving here) and also a fear of the fear of eczemas in itself. Some of it is connected back in my history to from before 14 years of age.  So this point of eczemas is my main focus point atm.

My back also hurts sometime badly but I know why from looking at mind and from kinesiology session.  So that point I know.

My eczemas are more a mystery – but I will work on that to and open it up within writing.


All in all I see a small risk with moving here – to investigate my eczemas and to investigate my back pain point.  This risk I will take! We are living in a world of great changes, and I would like to work more physically with my body grounding myself. Physically working on farm makes me smile. And to feel appreciation. I feel valid and I feel self – worth and self – love, self – expression inn work. Soooo precious things going on with and as myself at this place. I feel honored and privileged to be able to move and be a part of this great community.


Adjusting me being aware of my breath and working with my body is a great gift that I am discovering again. The other day I was baking rolls. They were perfect (!) ..and I had great compliments for them. I had a great time with baking and preparing food. Every day I participate with dishes. There is always something to do. My decision was if to move up here to live – I think you see why I would like to move to this camphill.


Working and adjusting and reminding self to stay aware and to stay in living words. And within physical and in breathe, lol it I is quite the task of virtue to be living here in this village, that risk I will take.

Self – honesty, responsibility, breath awareness along with  living words and being role model  and being the best version of myself that I can be,  are here to be combine with this working life – thank you I will take it !




Day 633 – Fear of starting my own business


fear is a illusion


self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to start my own company where I give into thinking I would do something wrong with the papers or I would somehow fail and loose my money with my company and I would somehow fail to run my company and end up like a clown. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the paranoia of feeling alone and left out in the cold to do my business, thinking I would have to grow greedy, corrupt and cheat on taxes to manage my company and have a income.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to do something illegal with my company and to end up like a criminal, without or with knowing it, and then face jail or punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my idea of entrepreneurs as greedy and corrupt that I am programmed with from being very young, throughout my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that now I do exactly like I would fear from being very young, and that I am somehow going against myself and my own programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not yet experienced enough and I should learn some more about finances or data programming or healthcare, where I give into this fear that I will not be successful and always drag with me this fear and this idea of myself as handicapped and schizophrenic and not able to run a business by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think on the opposite side of this polarity that I am special and schizophrenic and I should there for be able to run a company and there for be more successful and creative with my company.


self correction

When and as I see myself fearing to run my own company. I stop myself. I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I am taking measures to be better prepared to run a company of my own, and I realize that I will walk the miles to do what must be done with a company. I realize that I have to be structured and organize to run a company. I realize I may have to imply some new routines.

I commit myself to listen to advise from other that are skilled with running a business, and I commit myself to imply their ideas to my life.

I commit myself to listen more and to do a thoroughly job with my  company within the field of psychology/psychiatry.

Day 613 – Taking control of my schizophrenia – working with personalities.

I want to help with putting a end to suffering from mental disorders (schizophrenia). User experience and exposure are keys to do this. Learning and un-learning psychology are ways to get there. I will make my schizophrenia understood by all people. To end the mystification and blurry/taboo reputation and rumors of mental suffering and schizophrenia. I want my schizophrenia to be understood by anyone.

I want to leave it a bit open, also, and not carve it in stone, the individual definition of oneness diagnosis must be left open to the individual. We are all different human individuals, and our experiences are different.

Schizophrenia :

Schizophrenia is essentially when personalities of your mind / consciousness starts embodying itself into behaviour all at the same time, so you have for example 2 / 3 different personalities trying to ‘live themselves out’ in the body at the same time causing much inner conflict. Whereas with most people in this world, the personality systems of their mind / consciousness are more ‘controlled’ in the sense that one personality at a time will activate that they will then embody and then live out dependent on where they are / with who they are. – Sunette Spies

My mind is designed a bit different than other peoples minds. My mind is constructed with some particular hooks to pull me back into the mind if I try to “wonder”. This design comes from my parents experience of me when I was a fetus.

So… since my mind is wired differently my personalities are more easy triggered and “loose” sort of. With other people the personalities are more stabile in the mind experience and in the physics or how they live and how they act/react and I experience life.

My personalities are more loose and then, the more important it is to be physical aware. Since psychology is failing and creating illness.

My schizophrenia is : How more than one personality is trying to play out at once, and then also my mind is wired a bit different. In very short terms.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my schizophrenia have it’s way with me and experience conflict within and simply because that is how schizophrenia is; I expect it over and over again failing to realize that I can change and take control of my life myself from learning and unlearning and forgiving my experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let schizophrenia take control of my life for many years, actively making my life difficult within many personalities trying to be me, and providing me with stress, voices, backchats and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take control of my life and my schizophrenia today and to take back control of my life and my being and to not let my schizophrenia control me but to have myself controlling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that from here on my schizophrenia will be controlled by me and I would think my life will change for the better as I will be able to realize and live my fullest potential to a further degree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can suit my schizophrenia to suit me and to be my tool sort of, and to help research and learn other people about schizophrenia, and prevent suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that through working on personalities I become an expert on personalities, and I am able to direct, shape and make the best of different situations where I take part inn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my schizophrenia into a more understandable unit or design, base on my experience of it and my ability to shape and design my schizophrenia to be understood by more people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crate and shape my schizophrenia by slowing myself down and being aware of myself and setting my mind into working on making my diagnosis into a unit that is understandable, that people can relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simplify my schizophrenia and thinking I do not take it seriously, it is simply that I want to be understood and prevent other people ending up in suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this is a real breakthrough on the science of schizophrenia, thinking I am changing this piece by piece in this world/word.

Self commitment:

I commit myself to take on all psychiatry and all polarity and all psychology, and to unlearn it piece by piece and then leave it behind like a empty shell that is no longer needed, when we all have learned psychology and ended the gaming and the addictions and the polarity suffering etc… then we will be more free.

I commit myself to simplify my schizophrenia, so that I control it and it does not control me.

I commit myself to take on all of what psychiatry is and have been to take it apart piece by piece, to expose the abuse and help people to find cures to heal.

I commit myself to teach of my schizophrenia, to anyone willing to listen.


Check out the links & have a nice day !

Yo listen :

The platform of all the fun:

Walk the talk:

Lets walk the easy first:

The program: