Day 856 – snippet of unpacking self

 

Hi Tormod ! How are you doing?

Oh…. doing mostly ok. There are some points that “itch” me but I am working on it

Ok can you unpack that a little bit?

Sure

So, I think like; since there still is issues in our world – that means that there is still (supposed) to be points of humanity and me to walk – to forgive within self.

And I ponder in this “supposedness”:

who came first: the chicken or the egg? (problem/solution or the solution/problem)

And I am equally reminded by an old Giger picture I would like (yes, the artist H.R. Giger) AND also: “Heavens Journey to Life” – blog – that the chicken and the egg came….

at the SAME TIME – it was and is like time stood still in that moment – they came at the same time – here lol!

So, this makes me ponder some more

and brings me to realize some dimensions  of HOW to bring all that which is “bad” about the world – back to self – to equalize and end my reactions to it – because it is my reacting to it – that keeps it there, my suppression, judging, blaming, fearing, assuming, projecting, hating, desiring, hoping, loving…(my feeling, emotions, thoughts & systems of mind) that I hold to a certain dimension and that keeps the world there…. at status Q.

So, I need to bring the reaction/noise/tension of it back to self

I can recommend to check out “Reptilian” # 340 and at least further to # 345 – they deal with some issues about this and about leadership.

https://eqafe.com/p/crick-in-your-neck-reptilians-part-340

when I say bring it back to self – I mean with self-forgiveness and realization/understanding

awesome short play here T – man

grateful

You will see in self-honesty the pattern within self that needs to be worked: I can recommend pen & paper to see like example: STARVATION

So how do I, Tormod, (who is well fed most any time) relate to STARVATION – that I see in the news ?

Who am I as STARVATION?

How do I live/practice starvation: within myself?

Like do I starve my artistic side? Do I give my creation of pictured art (of what I usually enjoy lots) enough room?

Am I allowing my mind and its system to exploit and starve my physical body – my own resources?

 

Or am I starving the pictured artist/creativity in me? What are the blocks that are keeping me back from expressing with arts?

Or why do I allow my mind to exploit my physical – through desires, love, hate, fear etc.

Such can the dimension of STARVATION of self be viewed – if there is energies and systems running in this : forgive it – realize self as the solution – check self and understand who you are within it,  and WRITE A BLOG ABOUT WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH – THE WHOLE STORY – SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM YOU !!

That is how we change the world – from within self:  one by one. Show others what you have been showed.

Look within – breathe – there is nothing but solutions.

desteni

 

Day 855 – self worth mathematics

Photo by Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash

 

A thing about me, that I would like to make very clear, like “Chumbawamba” would sing it in 1997, is that I often find myself low, in emotion, in lesser then, ostracized, as an outsider – when meeting and working with people, where I would need to express myself, to participate, I would be expected to express myself, and in these moments I would as a common denominator start the expression of me – by me being inferior. I would start down low in emotion. This stemming from a pattern in my childhood of how my expression was not seen or valued – I would then as a child start to judge my expression and slowly poison and abandon myself and the part of me that still was this innocent expression – so I would then poison and abandon a part of my expression –  a part of me.

So… in most situations, I find myself in lesser then, and I have made it my thing, like I know it is to millions out there – to then seek approval and acceptance from other people. I would look at them and seek permission and acceptance and allowance for me to feel good about myself. For me to feel self-worth and self-appreciation. I would look at the other person, and then imagine that I can allow myself to feel love, worth and appreciation – from them accepting me – needing the others imagined grant. I think to myself that I need to feel appreciation and self-worth only in my perceived and imagined acceptance and approval form the other.

It is quite the fuckup, agree?!!

Like I need to feel self-worth – depending on the other. There is nothing wrong with being loved or accepted and appreciated by others – but I sure would like for us to see the basic common sense in that this state of being must come from within the physical being of self. If not, it would not exist at all. Again – the mind is a smart trap to make life difficult.

So, I take it on myself to start to live more the words “self-worth”, and “self-love”, because I deserve it and because I need to be able to express this on my own, no matter what I think and believe others might think or perceive of me.

So again, a reminder to live the words self-worth and self-love from the physical within me – because what I think or imagine that other see me as – is nothing but mind games, and in that I stand inferior. So, time to stand up and be of physical self-worth and self-awareness.

Some self-forgiveness to go:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need another person to be able to stand on my own.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison and abandon a part of me from me, where I would abandon myself from my own self-expression, and start to reject myself as this childlike expression.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and judge this particular childlike expression – that is still me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must first lower myself and pity myself, judge myself to then seek approval and seek permission to be worthy and to feel loved – from how I experience myself in imagined relation to another where I feel I must have their permission to be.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be –  is to crumble myself down down into the abyss of me – to find myself crippled and scared and hurt, for me then to seek approval from others to stand up, to rise and shine, to seek approval from others for me to feel loved and to feel appreciated.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the  resistance and the noise – reaction within my mind when I think that I have to be the low down dirty schizophrenic and that I am an outcast and that is how that is – where I feel like I need to seek approval and acceptance from others to be valued and loved. I would need others energy/feeling for me to then sense and feel that ok now I can love myself, now I can appreciate myself, now I can feel worth – because such is granted to me, from my imagination, of the other person.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on another to seek approval of being me – to be able to have a life and to be worthy in my own flesh and being.

I commit myself to live self-worth in the real time moments when working with others.

I commit myself to strengthen my stand as self-support to be real as the physical being of me to give myself that honnor and self-worth.

I commit myself to find myself as that poisoned and abandoned kid and to embrace that kid as myself unconditional and to love that part of me – my innocence and my physical – to give life to life. That is true self forgiveness and true self-worth.  

Investigate:  desteni

Day 622 – 21 Days trial of ending blabbering. Day 8

picture source:  https://eqafe.com/p/parenting-perfecting-the-human-race-part-1

 

So I have been walking now on my day number 8 of stopping blabbering. I will not speak nonsense or words that need not to be spoken. We humans create with words, the words we use is creating our world around us. We use words to shape our reality.

 

During my 8 days so far I have discovered something cool though. I have learned to further appreciate my; self communication. Self communication is a precious thing. Ask any expert you want, self communication is gold. My first two or three days of walking, was more strict, not with limiting, but failing to see what new things I can say to myself. How to expand within self communication. Still I saw that there was things that I could ask myself to have myself answer some question from self to self.

More on “ask oneself” here: https://eqafe.com/p/being-over-mind-reptilians-part-449

 

Like “who I am according to…” something. Like the Paris terror. I would ask myself : who am I according to the Paris terror ? And I would answer in loud words to myself- clearing my point.

 

Or I would ask myself who I am according to the word “corruption”, or to the word “society” or “to drive my car”, “chocolate” etc… the list is long of what we can ask our self and by doing so clear our starting point. We humans are both our worst judges but we can also be our very best friends. From asking our self some investigating questions and answering them after, is real creative. So I dare you to start to develop self communication. Most of us would feel like there is something stopping us. There is like a wall between. It is not like we learned it in school…I would recommend a writing course and to learn self forgiveness. To forgive the past and correct self – which is also self communication.

 

So this far I have learned what value I find within self communication. And still what to say and what is not supportive or meaningful to say.

 

investigate :       desteni.org

Day – 578 – Living words – Focus

Current allocation:

When I think of this word I think of how I am “in” focus”, like studying words, or a picture, or I am at this sort of state or activity. Like to stare at something. Reading. I think about my car that is a Ford Focus. I think about driving and to have a certain focus on driving, and I think about being at somewhere having my awareness at something like my awareness becomes my focus. I think my awareness is directed to a certain focus. I would think that you need a complete focus when learning something new. I think that focusing on my body have great rewards.

Dictionary definition:

focus;

the centre of interest or activity.

Etymology:

focus (v.)

1775 in optics, “bring into focus” (transitive); 1807 in the figurative sense, from focus (n.). Intransitive use by 1864, originally in photography. Related: Focused; focusing; less commonly focused; focusing.

focus (n.)

1640s, “point of convergence,” from Latin focus “hearth, fireplace” (also, figuratively, “home, family”), which is of unknown origin. Used in post-classical times for “fire” itself; taken by Kepler (1604) in a mathematical sense for “point of convergence,” perhaps on analogy of the burning point of a lens (the purely optical sense of the word may have existed before Kepler, but it is not recorded). Introduced into English 1650s by Hobbes. Sense transfer to “center of activity or energy” is first recorded 1796.

Sounding of this word:

fog – us

fuck – us

(In Norwegian the word få (fo) means to have/take. Grant to self)   = have – us / take us.

The Norwegian word “Frokost”, means breakfast. = “Frokost/breakfast”

Polarity:

I would think of this word as something positive that I would need to push myself to do. I would think that I would need to use energies to have focus. I would think that to have focus I would have to give inn something to sort of exchange my energies or my money or any kind of substance to have focus. I would think that I would need some sort of emotional background to be able to have focus. There would also be hidden fear out of how I would fear to go into a possession from going to deep in my focusing and ending up in a energy possession.

Creative writing:

Focus is something that everyone needs to push through sometimes. Yet it is always here. Focus is for sure needed when learning something new. To have focus is to be determined sort of or to be giving in efforts to be focused could also be drawn into a possession almost. If one is to focused on one detail one could become possessed by this energy. I would there for recommend to combine focus with clarity. And a daily walk. Focus is a great strength the we build, individually, like with a fire place. You build a fire and burn it up. Focus is in the center of the fire, from etymology. Focus is sort of running through our very torus. Focus is like the fire/food that we burn inside our cells in our body and it comes in through our mouth and it leave through the lower part of the body. (pop/pee/sweat). It is smart to have a good focus on oneness own body.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of focus as something that I would not want to participate in because of how it requires something of me, and this effort is within my energies that I would not want to give in sort of out of pure laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only scientist and student focus I do not need to focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focus out of fear what I would see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focus out for fear of facing myself in honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not need to focus someone one else can do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this word, out of fear of going into a possession because of my experience of possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to take on focus out of not knowing what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that focus can also be a activity and not just staring/reading and it can be something further than to us my senses – like it could be a physical activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that focus is either love or not love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that love is a part of focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that focus is almost like honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only humans can focus.

When and as I see myself going into a task or a chore or a activity of any kind. I stop and slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that to focus is like a movement within clarity almost. I realize that both focus and clarity is needed when learning something new. I realize that I would need to have focus to drive and write and to do certain things. I realize that I would need focus to learn and to unlearn. I realize that I can use focus on practical way when learning something new. I realize that focus on my body is like a tube or a vortex stream. I realize that focus is also related to the fire place the love that unites. The universal love. I commit myself to be focused on my task/activity/chore. I commit myself to investigate how to us focus on unlearning. I commit myself to unlearn my old meta data that I do not need. I commit myself to common sense within focusing. I commit myself to live and to use focus on unlearning lots from my past.