Tag Archives: self forgiveness

Day 774 – Establishing a consistent daily routine

There is some routines and some patterns that I would like to add to my day to day living. I have been practicing living this for a while, but I need to establish it further and more sound, so I write about it.

 

In the mornings when I wake up: first thing I do, maybe before going out of bed, is to drink water. It is very healthy for the body to start with water – first thing in the morning. Then standing up and after  getting dressed, I embrace myself (!) and tell myself that; I embrace myself within this day in totality with all its content, and then I find one or two words to live, during my day.

I go about my day with all that there is and use the application of self forgiveness and self correction, breathe awareness, and so on… to assist me through the day. Writing out my thoughts and issues as the day goes, and practicing self forgiveness as the key to change. Writing and living the change is key to understand self, grow and expand.

In the evening after massaging my feet, I lay down and I make up status for my day. What happened this day ? How did it affect me ? Did I face challenges ? What are my thoughts during the day ?

Answering this as I lay down and talk to myself, finding the outcome and solutions to my issues, this completes my day.

 

 

This eqafe recording concerns lots of what I mention here in my writing:

https://eqafe.com/p/when-memories-run-deep

 

For more info on life challenges, solutions and issues:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

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Day 771 – the cereberus of schizophrenia – mind storage

 

Being schizophrenic I bear 3 or 4 minds. That is right. 3 or 4 minds (!) that always wants its own demand and piece of the cake; the physical &  the being. 3 minds that together have a core and design (that I currently see as self judgment/rebars/metal – from my programing of being) locked in their position and placement within my mind/total self experience (see drawing)   3 personalities, and one mind (4rth) who controls or governs the other 3. From my programming/schizophrenia I have learned that all these (4 minds) wants to be in control of the totality of me/minds/physical/being. And they fight for it. They have a war inside my head over being the supreme mind… a psychosis/possession. Like a Cerberus that we know from In Greek mythology (see picture)

cereberus.jpg

this is how schizophrenia is experienced to millions of people

 

Mind as they are, are  energy systems. They are energy and they depend on more energy. If I can delete my addiction to energies, I can free myself from my Cerberus/Schizophrenia/mind and the minds control. This is easier said than done. But;  It can be done if I work on the very finest of therapeutic and curative care: self forgiveness. Together with being aware of my physical, living words, there is a fuck-load of applications that have been developed and cultivated by desteni during the years. The finest of psychology, behaviorism, self awareness and self healing tools/applications.

 

You see I have schizophrenia and… schizophrenia is a particular design. Like a recipe. It have been placed onto me before I was born. Why ? Long story , but if you ask me private, I can share with you why I am schizophrenic.

Studying the core elements and foundations of being human, sound, life, energy, mind, consciousness, light, dark, colors, darkness, polarity, emotions, time, space, the physical, the being, earth, relations, empowerment, self forgiveness, responsibility, money, words, animals, the universe, quantum and so on… this is some of what I have been studying the last 5 years.

You see I ask question with my living, question everything, I realize that for the world to change : I need to change. There is no other way. I want there to be responsibility, forgiveness, purpose, empowerment, real care, prosperity, life support, equality, oneness, honesty, solutions, peace and freedom and so on… for all life on this earth and I will not stop what I am doing before I see this is taking place. It boils down to equality and oneness – what is best for all.

 

So what I question myself is how to make my schizophrenia livable and to something less of pain and burden to myself. Well there is a lot of therapeutic tools  and  things I can enjoy and savor to do. Like drawing. Expressing, vlogging, blogging, studying and reading. I very much like reading a good book  – so I do that. I read a good book or a good blog. Or I write a post to myself like this. It might sound simple, but to many it takes some to actually do it, and in boredom and mental despair they end up drinking and doing porn… etc, etc, etc.

It is about becoming physical, and to nurture from there the being and by that math to stand, eternal, equal and one to all and everything, without bias and without judgment  – because you/I have embraced it and forgiven it; as self and made it part of self. Just like neo in matrix – he becomes it all… he takes 100% responsibility and does not separate self from anything (!) else. Not the lady in read, not money, not imaginations,  quite simply no separation it is all one and self… do you see where I am at ? Because thinking and thoughts is per definition a separation. It is a sabotage of self. So bring everything back to self and forgive. You would be amazed of the power you have and the qualities you possess. Physical is always stronger than mind. It is you and me as physical awareness, self direction and self honesty that can ultimately become the drivers and creators of our own living.

 

Again to stand equal and one hand in hand with all human beings. Maybe that is not your cup of tea ?  So we all have quite some layers of programming to deal with. We all have things in our lives that possess us, again self forgiveness is key – to become physical.

So for me to walk with schizophrenia is quite challenging. Luckily I live in Norway where I have care and support from a welfare state – that nobody have ever seen before – it is that good.  It makes sure I can walk a healing process, and have a life in decency – no luxury but a decent living. So I can make and share such a picture of my schizophrenia – to make it less terrifying to me who lives with it.

 

4rth mind.jpeg

drawing of my minds

 

If you are wondering and have questions please drop me a line

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 768 – attracting to trouble

attraction to complications / a autism perspective

walking with schizophrenia

 

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two old friends a party a long time ago

 

So it is clear to me that I have lived a life so far with quite some mental challenges. The word and diagnosis  of “schizophrenia” is not defined right by society/doctors/practice. Today people with this sort of complications are told wrong things. They are not told what schizophrenia really is. It is easy to see this error, and also that it is coming from the establishment/western medicine that is in practical terms,  completely in reverse. I have done many posts, videos and blogs on this (schizophrenia). So If you would like to hear my take on it – please contact me or investigate.

I have lived a life with this (schizophrenia) type of autism all my life. I have grown into attracting trouble. I have 3 or sometimes 4 minds to deal with; I am informed.  Sometimes I see this monster within, a tree/four headed beast/troll that is the core of my schizophrenia. So I have lived and nurtured with this beast for a long time. Again it is all what I make of it and how I create myself. My burden can be that – a burden or I can strengthen it and make it something of support. Made possible from walking with self forgiveness and desteni.org

So it is quite natural for me to attract to trouble. Being drugs, sex or any type of  systems sabotage or uproar. I have been through it. It is  in my past now most of it, I quit most of my energy addictions very close to exactly 5 years ago. Today I have very little bothers of this nature. I can be more myself, stable, calm and rooted, yet allow myself to be wild, free and honest. You see, through working on self forgiveness consistent for 5 years, everyday bringing shit to surface and dealing with it forgiving it, taking it into me,  deleting it within – brings a new perspective on life.

My dealing with what is in my mind. I don’t leave it up to “God”, or any separate entity to take responsibility for this. No, this is all about me, myself taking 100 % responsibility. Though, I am not guilty of any crime what so ever. It was all and it still is : all programming and design of mind. I am guilty of nothing, so I should not judge myself either. It is all how mind is rigged…. how we live our lives. Are you aware how much mind is in control of your living ? For real ? It is a deep, deep rabbit-hole of self.  All the systems “out there” is a system of self – projected outwards.  The ultimate ride. To forgive self, to embrace, liberate and become one and equal.

 

We at desteni have been saying for years how it is all programs. It is all a huge mind fuck. Time to deal with that picture. So I have been attracting to commotion and bothers, by indentifying with it. Again : it is what I make of it, do I want to live with the burden or do I want to live with the support – I have that level of freedom to make such a decision today. I am at that point of creation. Trouble have been me. It is what I have lived for quite some years. Again I take 100 % responsibility for it and bring it all back to self to embrace and forgive. To delete the metaphysics.  The forgiveness part is important to understand  self and life.

 

If you try it out and talk about self forgiveness to self, in spoken words. You will see this very soon…. the real hero here is you. The physical is key. Are you ready for the challenge ?

Schizophrenia is not real the way it is taught today. It has  different origins and a different recipe than what schools and doctors tell us. I mean what the fuck … if we are to trust the establishment, then we trust the outcome, right ? What is the outcome of the current establishment and mind system ? In this world today there is,  war, child rape, murder, torture, pollution, pain and abuse….This goes to question our trust in systems… like wikipedia ? Or Harvard Doctors ? Your parents (?) or “same old same old patterns” ? The establishment ? They are systems that keep us at status Q … right ? Our very own thoughts and mind, that keep us locked in the “same old same old”  idea and hamster wheel. Can you see this ? It all origins at self, it is all, every tiny piece of it originated in the human mind experience.   I mean bring it back to self for real…  What is in your head ? Who is in your head ? … Who are you ? What is your dreams ? What is your purpose ? Why are you here ? What is your potential ? That is the kind of questions that have always been lost… but no, no, look at the circus and the energetic play of mind. What the fuck. Are you real or are you a zombie of mind ?

Are you letting the zombie mind rule your world ? What do you say about consciousness ? These are things that govern our living to the very core. These are our systems of death. Mind and consciousness. Mistaken for God. It is all in reverse. You see ? Free self from mind slaving with self forgiveness, this is the only way to become real.

 

Please listen to this video:

 

 

enjoy breathe

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 767 – choice

If I can make that choice

Right now I have Michael Jackson in my head.. :

“I am looking at the man in the mirror…”

 

I am looking at me in the mirror, and In self honesty and integrity, I can see that there are things within myself that I can change. I am sure it is that way with you also. 100 % sure!

Thing is we all want a better world. We want a good life, peace and prosperity for all… right ? If that is not the case – then I would say that you are mentally ill, and many of us are, mentally ill without taking it into consideration. Such a shame.

 

That choice can be a turning point in self, like it is to me. We all have choices in our lives. We all have that something we can do for the greater good. We all can do more to assist self to a better living. We can listen to the common sense, what the body tells us – and to not listen to minds, energetic desires – that will always, always deceive us.

So if I can make that choice in my life maybe I can assist others on doing the same. My choice is about several things, but mostly it is me and my living where I am. It is about being more physical. It is also about writing more. I have been focusing on to do more physical work. Living on a farm there is always work to be done and my body very much enjoys the work. Though my mind will reject it from losing its grip on me and at the same time I also bring forth my being. And that is what this is about; to honor the physical and bring forth ones being and not give mind its space and attention. It is a big job and it may seem difficult, but consistent work and pushing self will carry through. To just do it and jump out of comfort zones and do the work, what needs to be done.

 

Because it s from honoring and caring for my physical and bringing forth my being, together with living words and self honesty that I can change, expand and evolve – be better myself.

Not giving mind attention and space.

And through writing I can understand, realize, forgive and direct myself.

 

Bilder fra iphone 270

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid physical work and to avoid taking part in it, making excuses that my body hurts and it is weary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses about my living to not have to go to work simply from fear of confronting my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the reward in doing physical work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to jump out of my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

 

I commit myself to be more consistent and also flexible with my physical like to do more yoga.

I commit myself to do more yoga.

I commit myself to write more and to expose and share more of my living.

 

 

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 766 – Bringing myself down from sharing and exposing myself online

Bringing myself down from sharing and exposing myself online

Today a troll brought out a demon in me. I shared a video from you tube, on steemit,  where I do a talk. The troll was attacking me and not my words and it was totally not a cool thing to experience. It hurt me.

So I challenged myself, after talking to my DIP(desteni i process) – buddy – to see what else was behind this point. And It goes to show that I judge myself for sharing myself. I would express something within a video or a comment and later judge myself for it. Thinking I expose myself to much, I should not say this’n that. Bringing myself down from raising my voice.

This buck stops right here! I will express and expose myself, my mind and my solutions and my living to everyone interested.

Check out self forgiveness at desteni.org – it can really change ones living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “to much” and as a clown and silly or a looser for posting lots on facebook/else and for making myself a name, out there and sort of saying to the world “here I am” – and for thinking that I do this to much and that I over do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself for seeing that I judge myself within not living my desires and my ideal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of myself how I should be sharing and not – online

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loos myself in depression from judging myself for not living this ieal and dream

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have unreal ideal and dreams about myself and life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like since my dream and expectations are not lived I fail and feel angry with myself for failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail to live my desires and dreams and within thinking this – I start to judge my expression and experience online as wrong and bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I fail at expressing my core, depth or any taboo within where I judge myself thinking that I should do things differently and that I am not ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself and within this anger I would bash out with my mind and loose myself into despair and isolation/depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and lost in despair within self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face my own judgment – when I really just have to drop the whole judging thing and live !

It seam I judge myself for not living a perfect life. Like I have dreams or desires that are perfect (?) There is no need to judge. What so ever. There is however need to heal. So – dropping the judging and becoming life through self forgiveness.

Thanks !

Enjoy breathe !

 

dem 27.jpg

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 764 – meeting the portal

dem 7

 

My first meeting with the interdimentional portal

 

I was just this last week in Brussels, Belgium, for a destonian gathering. We had been planning to meet there since new year’s 16/17. We all chipped in for a ticket so that Sunette (the portal) could travel to Belgium to see us. We where about 30 people at the most when we would gather in central Brussels.

 

I was first greeted by my fellow destonian Talamon (Tala), at the airport. After that we would travel into the city to see Leila, Gian, Cesar and Sunette. Before meeting I have been going through some projections and expectations of the whole thing. I would forgive and release these expectations when they occurred. The moment I would hug Sunette I sort of went into a reaction. Both from being tired of traveling, and also from the surprise of seeing how normal and ordinary people really are. You might say not what I expected lol.

 

dem 4

 

So in that station hall, we would then first meet and hug. It was a sort of breaking point to me, and I was quite shaking right then and a few minutes later. But to my pleasant surprise I managed quite fine. I was able to release the energy and move within/without.

 

I was considered and my mental health, and I was asked if I was not tired. I was asked if I was ok. I was going though some reactions, like I said,  but I managed very good. I was surprised by myself how well it all went.

Later in the park, we got to see first-hand portaling. Beings like Anuaki, Lilly and Mykey, presented them self to us. And we had a chat then in the Brussels park. A very cool experience indeed.

Also I had a portaling done, to only me, to hear from my mind, body and being. With the intent to bring my being forth within. To give me some strengthening advice and hear what my being /body / mind could tell me that I could not see/hear or had missed. I was told among other things that “You are stronger than what you think you are” and “Start with yoga” – such a advice. I was very thrilled to hear this and today is my third day of yoga, doing a new beginners course from youtube.

 

So meeting the portal and all the other destonians walking life process, was a  deep honor and a deep sense of gratitude. It was over all fun and I learned lots about myself.

 

Thank you each one of you that I was able to hug and greet !

Together we walk, equal and one  !

dem 1

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 758 – Desire to be admired

I have been made aware of a desire within that have been creating conflict within me lately. I have a desire to be admired and to have status. But I have not given myself the chance to live this in real time.

So how does this play out ? For instance I have been suppressing and making “bad” my genuine expression. You might say sexual expression.  I fear to be 100% me without bias and judgment from within. So when it comes to sex, it is all about slowing down lol.. So that is also my clue. To slow down and be myself and not judge myself or go into thinking that my expression is wrong or un-cool in any way. Thinking that sex and expression is what media serves us of characters. Whoever it might be this week. It is porn and fame it is not my thing. Failing to realize that hey  (!) just that observation there of how we are programmed to think lesser of our self and our bodies because of cultural programming – which is a crying shame. And just that shame point I have take on. Judging myself and my expression as wrong or bad. Not seeing that this is hard core programming and design, of thoughts, mind and relationships () – hardwired of mind design.

I would for instance  feel a urge to dance more. To be more present when I move. To have grace. I need to be more with myself when I move my body.  And I could also “need” to let go of many needs lol. And let this come more naturally like my expression from within, and not force it out…

I have then a desire to be admired. If I need to be admired then admiring will come to me. So I need to live like there is no separation from this word admire. If I have a energetic relationship to this word “admire” – then those energies is causing stress within me. Like tripping wires. I sure hope you can see this. I need to live this word like any other word that I can embody. It must come naturally and not by me pushing and stressing about it.

 

tormodkjolestavanger

self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and almost addict to a imagination and idea of being admired, where within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this desire and then become totally embarrassed and scared, thinking (backchats within mind) “This is not me”, “I am not Hollywood”, “I am a loon and a clown”  – literally creating my own believe (be-lie-ve) within nasty backchats in my head, and suppress and reject the desired idea,  and create conflict with my wanting to be admired and to have status.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself pile up a lot of suppression and denial within and then dive into this soup of emotions and lose myself within it going pretty deep into depression within so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of give into the nasty backchats in my mind and loose myself into emotions and believes of how my life should be, according to pre-programming, I must rather support myself and being with myself, give myself time to breathe,  in a common sense manner, to treat myself good and to embrace myself 100 %.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of going into stress and fear and make my pro – blames even bigger, I must make arrangements within, of commonsense, and to slow down my tempo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated to mention my sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for my sexual expression.

 

self corrections:

When and as I see myself  going into denial or suppression of my desire and want to be admired and to have status, I stop myself, I breathe, and I level with what is here. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being admired and to have status. If I can deliver what is best for all it is rather cool and a nice thing. This world obviously needs good leaders. I realize that I have lived a glam and fame/fashion kind of idea of being admired. I realize that I have a pre – programmed idea of being admired.

I commit myself to de school and delete my pre-existing definitions of being admired and to have status. I commit myself to redefine being admired.

 

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/