Tag Archives: self forgiveness

828 – Righteousness, morality and savior complex

 

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These days, in my desteni I process, I am once more faced with my righteousness, my point of morality and my savior complex. These a elements that are not new to me, but I don’t think I have highlighted it in a sufficient manner, meaning my awareness on these matters are not clear enough.

So what it means is basically that I have walked a lengthy process  through schizophrenia, addictions and a life in uproar and sabotage, counter to  the establishment. This sort of suffering I have more or less made peace with.  It is my making and my baking. I am very proud of that accomplishment, and have reason for so, and over all for being where I am today. Still it strikes me today how righteousness, morality and my savior complex, can strike me out and create conflict within me. I mean no one likes a moralist – to tell them what to do. Or similar no one likes the righteous to brag and be a big shot – about what is “right” and what is “wrong”, or what is “good” or “bad” – in life.  And lastly no one needs saving, we have to come to that point our selves  – to save ourselves – no one can save us – but ourselves. And even though I want to save others – it can’t be done – it is up to self. Self has to want it and walk it.

So again I am reminded by these 3 characters playing on within me. I will by this writing be more aware of such leveling in my mind, and flag point out to self when it occurs and these personalities appear.

So for instance with alcohol. I was very addicted to alcohol for many years. I would drink several days of the week, for many years. I was escaping with it. I was medicating my schizophrenia with it. And I did lots of hurtful things being drunk. That point of me having (for 7 years) been sober now,  does not make me superior to a drunk person or to people who consume alcohol.  However that is how our minds is set up – to moralize and to blame, judge and to act righteous and even to feel like “I have to save you”  – mentality (savior complex) to people who are in a such situation (example: alcohol consume)

This is my point here with the alcohol example, that in the slightest movement in my mind/brain when I see people drink and consume alcohol – and in a split second – I touch into righteousness and morality personalities (polarities) – where I grant myself the right to act superior, upper,  and with morality over and at them – being a real dictator and moralist in my ways – only to prove that I am better than them – because I have overcome my addiction of alcohol. With being  a “dictator” I mean to create a new level of mind, with my living to be the only value. A level where I roam lol. That you are inferior if you have not quit and mastered the addiction/consume of alcohol, like “don’t talk to me if you drink”, or “you have no value as long as you are a consumer of alcohol”, or  “you medicate with alcohol, what a lowlife you are” – such a dictating back-chats of mind and superiority/righteousness.

 

So these 3 particular words: righteousness, morality and savior complex – I hereby (again) make myself aware of, and make it clear to myself that this is issues that I will look out for and to keep an eye on.

 

I will release myself with self forgiveness :

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act righteous and superior to another, where I have walked through some point – and they have not,  and I make myself “good” and them “bad” for that situation and difference. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lash out with morals and righteousness onto people that do not have the same practice, living and  awareness that I have, and that I would  feel like moralizing over them and judging them for their lack/bad and perceived inferiority to my (upper) superiority.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me into a dictator over others that have other ways of dealing with life and with circumstances – that act different to me and that have other ways of living, where I mean by dictator I would present a mind level that is for my accomplishment only that is designed for my triumph and superiority and that has no room/space for other views or possibilities.

 

 

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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827 – self humility

self humility

 

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deffhum

What does it mean for me to be humble with self and with life ?

What makes it so important to be humble in life process ?

 

I picked up this word “self humility” from a chat I participated in at the popular multi dimensional, internet channel;  destonians.com  – and I find it peculiar and important for me to investigate the word. I have been living this word for some days now and what I mean by that is, for one dimension, that I can rely on self; as this word. I can “fall back into” this word – instead of falling back into mind (traps and ego) With “falling back” I mean trusting myself and knowing that I have a certain understanding of the word – maybe not the ultimate one – yet, but I am working on understanding myself as this word – to express myself as this word and to redefine this word for me to change, adapt and be a better composition of me totally. To be a better version of me – which obviously is not done over night, but rather a consistent, slowly, step by step, breathe by breathe, forgiving self and living word –  process into a better me – a changed me.

So how does this word humility, look like, smell like, taste like – lol –  how do I experience it and define it for me ?

With the word “humility” I think of the word “human”. And how I relate that humans are supposed to “do good”, in life, in thought, word and deed. That would be nice –  that is the ideal. But that is still not the current reality of this world – among humanity – but then again the reason for me to write this – to change me – to a better – more humble self.

 

So further than that I would say it adds up to what is best for all. How can I live in practical terms, that which is best for all humans, THAT would be what is good for all humanity. But humanity has lengths to go to fulfill this, to live this – that which is best for all. So there for I make a connection, I build a bridge,  between the words human and humility. So humility is for me like a space within me where I can be my own friend. Where I can confess. Where I can look into, investigate, learn, expand, develop, forgive, and come to  agreement with myself. Where I can be honest with me. Self humility. To be aware of the self pity dimension though. To be of self support, to be human with me.

 

Self humility (or humbleness)  is the close friend of me.  It is a deep expression and point of consideration.  So for me self humility is to care for me and others as life. To be that shrink to myself. To be my own therapist. If we add the tool of self forgiveness to this then it’s really easy to see that one in fact  becomes oneness own therapist, or mentalist,  and best friend, and that is priceless. To reach self honesty and self responsibility, integrity – self humility to merge the expression of humility into self and become one with it.  So humility is both to debate, question, consider and investigate, but also to forgive, to show care and accept self.

I do see that I go into a sort of separation when I say that the word is a “friend” of mine, making it an exception from me. But it is only done to show how much I appreciate the word and dimension of humility.

I do also see the point of “humiliating” and that someone could be humiliated from things getting “stirred up” or in typical gossiped about. Rumors. So that is also a further ballpark of this word, for me, and something I take with me.  Still though it is the “tough love” to be humiliated. Like there is a lesson with everything. To be humiliated by self – with self – self humility/self care. There also I see self humility as a insurance of sorts that I am aware of my old scars and my minds programming, I am aware of how low I have been, how sick, depressed, and addicted I have been. So that is often where self humility would start. At a low. A deep realizing.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to face humbleness in fear of what I would need to be humble with myself with, to fear being humiliated, to fear what would open up, to fear and basically reject myself as my own therapist, to deny myself that insight and honesty within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be honest with another, in fear of being humiliated, and in fear of gossip and rumors about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame from thinking I need to be humble with me – and to think that “why” would I need that ? I should manage without being humble and within that seeing humble as weak – and to slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into polarity with humbleness where I think that humbleness or humility is weak and poor, little, petty, and down, where I soon find myself being superior and righteous to the situation like I know better than the low/weak humility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into “self pity” from self humility feeling sorry for myself, and simply dipping myself into that pity pool – where I inferiorize myself and make me into a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am being  a “good person”  when I live self humility – like I am a “Jesus character”.

 

I commit myself to with humility to remember to practice embrace me and all of the situations that I am ever in.

 

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://desteniiprocess.com

https://destonians.com

http://desteni.org

bathable

 

826 – collective self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how we are all, collectively part of the outcome that we as humanity produce every single day, from morning to evening, where every day is a lifetime, rise from ashes/bed in the morning and lay down to rest in the evening, like a in breathe and a out breathe, all within moments with self, individually and collective as one where we are all equally responsible and accountable for that end result that we produce in our day, in our life and in every moment of breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel horrified in angst, judgment and despair over what occupies the human mind – what makes us ACT and CARE and what will it take for us individually to stand up for LIFE, where I fail to really look in the mirror and be brutally honest, and bring it back to myself and my inner/outer creation/reaction of angst, judgment and despair .

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and real-eyes that whatever is created in our world – it is a collective thing, calculated from how we are trained/educated and programmed and that it is our own individual responsibility to sort out our self – to learn to know our selves, and to know in detail how our minds work – that is part of why we are here – to come to a complete understanding of mind, self, existence and life – for what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to anyone else thinking “this” or “that” about them and their living – in compare to mine, where this competing and comparing is not good for anything except what we call angst and war that we hold against each other from how we imagine we “score”, in a conscious competing game/war amongst each other.

SSstepp

 

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://desteniiprocess.com

https://destonians.com

http://desteni.org

Day 825 – PINK

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Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash
Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly dig a hole within and on my own path of living, my groundedness, where I trap my being, myself, in a believe/hole/idea that I am not good enough, I am not brave enough, I don’t have the balls, I deserve to suffer, and I basically stay in that deep pit of self pity and self victimization and once I ever get out of that hole, I feel overwhelmed by my capacity by my potential, my purpose, and I start to dig into myself, to question my groundedness, doubting my path, my living being insecure, judging myself,  worrying and making traps for myself to torture myself with thoughts of being lesser than and far from worthy – of a good, stable, sane life for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the color pink with my memory of the movie “The cell” that has some quite scary scenes in it, that would traumatize me quite deeply, and I recall that and think of it as whenever I see or sense the color pink, that I interpenetrate as innocent, pure and pristine, that I think there is something wrong with me for seeing this, questioning my own innocence and doubting myself –  digging a hole to trap myself and basically hurt and punish/torture myself for ever dreaming that I could be pure, pristine and innocent in my expression/being.

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When and as I see myself questioning, doubting and worrying over myself, my potential and capacity and go into pitying myself – dig traps for myself to hurt me. I stop myself, I take a deep breath, and I slow myself down. I realize that this sabotaging nature has been with me for a very long time. I realize that it is a complete (!!) no-brainer and its completely insane to have this going on with and as myself.

I commit myself to live from WITHIN to the WITHOUT.

I commit myself to whenever I go into questioning myself, when I go into doubting myself, I will SOUND THE ALARM, and RAISE MY FLAG to point out to self – where in my living this goes on.

I commit myself to see and to be aware to where and when I potentially could be starting to dig into my own “belly button”, to question, doubt and neglect myself, when my intention is not supportive, then I will stop myself, I will take note of the issue, to forgive it, look into it, UNDERSTAND it, and stop the digging of traps and find a word to live in self support and move with my situation, flow as my being and be flexible in my nature.

I commit myself to the understanding that my beingness is taken or tainted (hurt) by this digging and self torture habit, where I commit myself to let my beingness/myself heal, and recover itself/myself to rest and give space to my beingness to rejuvenate.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to the color pink, with the movie “The cell” in memory, I stop myself I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that the color pink symbolizes to me, innocent, baby, pure, pristine, honesty, softness and that I would think to myself that is out of my league with such concerns, such words, I think that is not for me, I am to rough and tough a “male” and I deserve something tough and “hard”, I deserve punishment, and then start to dig my own pit/trap/grave to hurt and punish/torture my own being.

I commit myself to play with the word/color pink and to see how I can express as the word pink and the word innocent and the other words that I relate to pink.

I commit myself to play with all colors – with names of colors, to find  more my ground, my expression and my pride within so, to worship my nature and not create traps for myself out of my relations/trauma based on a color.

I commit myself to be with my body and to help it express and to train myself to LISTEN to my body.

I commit myself to climb out of my self-pity cave and breathe, express and be me: forgiving, flexible and flowing.

 

 

Deeper support from the dimensions :

https://eqafe.com/p/flexibility-and-flow-with-bruce-lee-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-100

 

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://desteniiprocess.com

https://destonians.com

http://desteni.org

 

Thanks for reading

Day 824 self forgiveness doses

Change/rebirth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “feel” new born – in the sense that babies are born – and THAT is not a pretty or cozy picture for me, so to transcend myself/point into a re-birth was painful and nasty –  a real shook up – combined with a heavy flue that would have me re-birth myself from within the physical – my own flesh – my own making – into self as life.

 

Within this I find it pivotal to underline the fact that rebirth of self or transcendence  is not a easy or pretty story as it is often presented today. It is painful, it takes courage and effort, will, self respect,  SELF FORGIVENESS and for me this time a real deep integrity and self awareness – together with the unique support from the equal and one self-discovery group of desteni and destonians walking with me here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself within being reborn, where I think to myself that I am worse of than others and that I need to pity myself.

 

 

Fame and desire to be special

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when listening to different music – where I  remember how I was  to seek for fame – to desire to be seen and to be famous only to serve my ego the way it pleases, through energy surges like with money and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special and unique, like when I was going into my teens and later on – I would want and crave to be special and to be seldom and unique, I would crucify myself for the cause of being special and “out of order” – in opposition to the rules of the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have that linger in the back of my mind that I would tap into – “rejuvenate” my ego’s desire for fame/being special – that would drive me deep into insanity and abuse, under the cover of trying to find myself being a young man with lots to struggle with, and I would simply believe that “ok… my life have been rather difficult, that is how it has to continue” – believing that my life must be hard – then living that.

 

Today I realize that even though I don’t agree with what is being done (in the world)  – I have now a level UNDERSTANDING of the programming of the human mind, I can understand what drives people to doing what they do, and that way understanding is a powerful thing, basically it makes me unable to hate them -I can’t hate someone that I understand – and that makes the human mind and self experience and understanding so – a utterly interesting story.

Let me know if you want to know more about that !

 

Shift / rebirth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand what I am going into – diving into the unknown – being dependant and independant at once, where I realize that I have gone through some rather huge changes of self and my being, my awareness has changed, the last days, where I find it utterly supportive and kind of “neat” – where I catch myself at drift and going into being very colorful and vivid – where I have to catch myself – slow myself down – breathe –  so I don’t go into possessions and basically  over speed –  crash and burn.

 

Too hard on self

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself from the example of going into stress and from within “doing many things”, where I fail to take proper care of me, to breathe calmly, to care for my body and my being, where my day becomes stress and the stress allow for nasty thoughts to emerge and make my comprehensive self experience sad, deprived and filled with angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that being “hard” or “rough” is a goal to achieve – a calling within me, and quite something to be and express, where my definition of hard and rough and tough, is layered within my idea of masculinity, and ego/desire such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that to be a male means to be macho and tough/rough and brutal on myself and life such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am pulled like magnetism towards being tough and being hard on self and to push self beyond – where I end up with crashing and burning within and simply need to rest on sofa/collapse from angst and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself through my own hardship/hardness/roughness to the extent that I end up losing touch with who I am as softness, gentleness, innocence, purity, pristine, organized, touch, in tune, sound, expression, water  etc. Meaning I drive myself beyond in one angle and end up compromising myself over all with loosing touch the more softer and lighter aspects of self and life.

Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my anxiety is not able to be solved like it is a big fuzz-ball, out of logic, of barbwire and sharp metal objects, that is overflowing, within my solar plexus that is being stirred up and making me sour, sad and reactive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to see the solution of my problem, the reason why I feel this deep anxiety within my belly, this time, it’s  because I am 40 and single and this fact bothers and makes me sad, rather I should look at what is my options of bettering my living, what can I do in my situation to better my life – to love myself, to simply make up my mind of letting go of the anxiety, and by that see the possibility over time, for others to like me to. If another is supposed to love me – I must first love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others, that are happily together with a family, job, income, etc things I don’t have, where I must realize that they have their life and I have mine, there is no need for comparison. In fact competing and comparison is one of the MAIN drivers of anxiety and war as we know it in our world.  As long as there is competing – there will not be peace. Take that to consideration!

 

When and as I see myself stuck with anxiety that is without any particular origin or starting point, I stop myself I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that if the anxiety is seemingly “just there” like a overspill of my minds chambers/storage, I can simply decide to delete it, to slow myself down enough, to breathe, find common sense in the physical and let go of the anxiety.

taletormods

 

the “no fear” community: https://destonians.com/

self forgiveness and start of self discovery: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

Day 821 – steering myself

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Photo by Luis Chacon on Unsplash

Taking charge & making directions of my living through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail at creating a real structure with and as my daily life in the sense that I can be my own creator/director, of what I accept and allow to take place with and as myself and my living – this must come from a clear starting point, a direction, a drive, written words to guide myself within self creation – from day to day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that for me to create a supportive and strong – further structure in my day to day life – is too much to ask – where I judge myself within thinking I don’t have that in me – it’s not my capacity I give up trying to create more structure in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for fearing to open up my potential of self creation in fear of what I might find that might be in any way unknown and/or uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for me being able to write and that I  have everything at hand – but still I fail at creating a more solid supportive writing structure with myself to better direct my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail to direct myself as energy/substance – where I am unable to see that taking direction is precisely what I am learning – also within seeing this as a fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself refuse to properly investigate options to better plan ahead and to better be my own best version.

 

Within this I commit myself to take those 5/10 + minutes a day to sit down and write about my own course, plan my life – what I would like to achieve from day to day – and take direction of myself – some simple clues from day to day that will assist me with knowing myself further – what points I am looking at – to always know where I am at – and from that awareness to know who I am – and that will make me more stable and steady in my process – of why I am.

 

desteni.org

Day 820 – How I work with self loathing

self-loathing

Dictionary result for self-loathing

noun
  1. hatred of oneself.

 

 

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I have been wanting to open up this point for a while now, and it’s a point of self loathe/self hate/self harm and belittlement and how one can understand this dimension, and most important change and recover – from this type of mental suffering.

Mainly it plays out when I start to  become uncertain, in doubt and in worry over something. Something like “did I close my door to my room”, “are the lights of” and “am I certain that I turned the stove of” –  and I can’t stop the thoughts, questions and backchats from hammering at me with worry, doubt and uncertainty.

I see this character of “self loathing” playing from the starting point of worry and being concerned, which is something that have been deeply ingrained in my life from way back in early childhood.

So from the starting point of worry, concern and doubtful thoughts, this then triggers my self loathing personality.  I start to have such a nature of,  backchats, thoughts and ideas in my head/mind of being lesser then. Ideas that tell me I am worthless and insignificant. That I am a lowlife and scum. You know if you hear that many enough times, THAT becomes your reality, and it will play out in real time.

So for many years I would live for being “hard”, worshiping the tough guy personality. Living in hate of the system.  Being that hard core rocker. Being in uproar and basically war against any form of order. This worshiping and nature of mine for some 15 – 20 years of my life – is now getting back at me. Like terminator saying in the mirror the famous “I’ll be back” – that is now present.

So from this over-thinking and bothersome state of mind, I start to believe that I don’t deserve a quality life. I think that I need to be belittled and basically punished – because I judge myself with concerning thoughts – of worry, doubt and insecurity. It is a negative spiral and the only real way out is with self forgiveness, understanding myself within it  – and self change – into new living word such as self confident and/or self appreciation. One of the ways to heal this worry dimension, is to become a master in planning, preparing and preventing – that I take on me to learn.

Also what plays a part here is the point about tidiness, having tidiness around me, and a constant judgment and concern that my living is out of order and not proper and tidy (enough). This is relate to a judgment of my expression not being tidy, and it goes way into my sexuality (symbolical expression) and judgment of my own expression and nature.

In short I end up with self loathing/self judgment and self hate from thoughts and concern about worry, insecurity and doubtfulness.

So I will work my way through these mind layers with self forgiveness – releasing the energy bundle and stabilize self out of harm from the self loath dimension.

 

self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since worry is a design that is deeply ingrained with me, I should just resign and give up on trying to change that part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge between positive and negative believes of mind situations where my mind tries to “solve” my worry challenges, where I must rather, when I spot such worry issues, I must ground myself, breathe and rely on my physical and the common sense nature and steer out of that worry as best possible in that moment – but also see to manage and learn well to : plan, prepare and prevent (become a master of planning) as a way to avoid worry, doubt and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the worry, doubt and uncertain characters simply play how they like with me in my mind, and end up with massive self judgment and self belittlement issues – where I fall into a spiral of anger, depression and fear – and THAT is not supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw to worry like a magnet in my mind, and to judge other beings from me going into worry, like I would judge my parents and my upbringing for this program to allow to manifest in and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to trust myself, and what activity I just did and there for sow doubt within me  and later harvest the loath and other concerning personalities/polarities and believe patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to admit myself loathing personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see how bad a self loathing personality could develop within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to self loathing personality from thinking “I am schizophrenic, so  a portion of self loathing is natural to me and my living” – and to feel attracted to self hate/self loathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract to hate simply because I want to cure it – so I invent hate in my mind and create it within me to attack it – a pattern of self destruct and simply a mind occupation/possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am such a wimp and pussy from living with worry and then also using these backchats of wimp and pussy to belittle myself, judge myself and drive me into self loathing – from thinking I don’t deserve better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that self loathing and hate (toward others) was more a part of me some 15 – 20 years of my life, and prominently so playing the hard rocker dude that would not compromise and that would not surrender, but live in sabotage uproar and in general self loathing (war) for many years – THAT past is playing out now in manifested consequence, like I would live hate – out to system before – that is now inverted towards me like basic math – give as you want to receive, my own mirage giving back to me – lol – looking in the mirror and seeing Terminator 2 : “I’ll be back” – that I have to deal with now.

 

When and as I see myself going in to worry and concern about a detail (stove, lamp, light etc)  I stop myself, I breathe and I ground myself with what is here. I realize that worry only leads to more worry. I must rather than giving into worry, before that  having planed and prepared my living situation, to slow down and make sure that I have done what needs to be done, I need to make a checklist. I can also cross check with my physical – to ask – is it needed to go back to check again ? But also to use such point to realize that I need to plan, prepare and prevent better.

I commit myself to become a master of planning, preparing and preventing to avoid worry, doubt and insecurity,  and such concerns that I have come to find.

 

When and as I see myself attempted to go into self destructive pattern such as self loathing, I stop myself I breathe and I ground myself with what is here. I realize that hate/loath is something that I would  live expressively with intent some years ago. I realize that I have to face that and such programs today – by forgiving it and deleting it – freeing self from the energy and learning planning, preparing and prevention – and further self trust as I go and change my nature.

 

Investigate:

http://desteni.org/

https://eqafe.com/

https://destonians.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteniiprocess.com/