Tag Archives: self forgiveness

Day 857 – I am design

Repeating for the record here a pattern that I am living again.

I would write about this point also here: Day 855 – self worth mathematics

 

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I have this part of me – a guilt tripping from viewing myself as «a bad person». that: «I am a bad guy». «I am a evil man». That I don’t deserve a good life. self judging in fool bloom. Such seemingly innocent butterfly : THOUGHTS – have been allowed access within my mind & my being – to greatly limit my expression if I may say.

Such small mind – chatter (!!) have been going on within me – and creating my reality …. Again seemingly innocent thoughts (butterfly thoughts) that are far from innocent. They would occupy my mind,and over time create havoc. I know the main source of this thought pattern, of thinking “I am evil” and “I am bad” is from childhood and me NOT BEING SEEN and recognized, for my expression by adults. This have made my path often very difficult and troublesome, like the issues I have come to face. I did learn then as a young child to judge and poison this expression of mine, because that is what I learned to do from the adults. My expression was perhaps controversial and that if often how children express. We still need to recognize it as a self expression, and learn to deal with it – show the child how to handle such a expression, and be careful not to judge it or ignore it

Important for me to say : I blame no one. I do not blame or judge my parents – they only lived what they where taught themselves – from their parents. We are all equally in this together. But I am glad for the desteni support here – to start to release myself from the shackles of self judgement – and being «bad». This may not be easy for all to understand : but simple thoughts can build up walls of beLIEves and whopsi: words & action are manifested – as that which is bad, evil, and lesser then. From the learning of thinking and thoughts from growing up – self judgement and guilt (& problems) as adult. It is all making so much sense now, I can see clear. Thankfully I have support, and myself – to rely on – to become responsible, to equalize and forgive within self (!) all the nastyness & all the beLIEves & constructs.

What goes on undetected in YOUR mind ?

Understanding is key – the key to understanding is forgiveness. I am learning about me.

DESTENI I PROCESS is the bees knees !

 

Give time to: https://desteni.org/

 

 

Day 855 – self worth mathematics

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A thing about me, that I would like to make very clear, like “Chumbawamba” would sing it in 1997, is that I often find myself low, in emotion, in lesser then, ostracized, as an outsider – when meeting and working with people, where I would need to express myself, to participate, I would be expected to express myself, and in these moments I would as a common denominator start the expression of me – by me being inferior. I would start down low in emotion. This stemming from a pattern in my childhood of how my expression was not seen or valued – I would then as a child start to judge my expression and slowly poison and abandon myself and the part of me that still was this innocent expression – so I would then poison and abandon a part of my expression –  a part of me.

So… in most situations, I find myself in lesser then, and I have made it my thing, like I know it is to millions out there – to then seek approval and acceptance from other people. I would look at them and seek permission and acceptance and allowance for me to feel good about myself. For me to feel self-worth and self-appreciation. I would look at the other person, and then imagine that I can allow myself to feel love, worth and appreciation – from them accepting me – needing the others imagined grant. I think to myself that I need to feel appreciation and self-worth only in my perceived and imagined acceptance and approval form the other.

It is quite the fuckup, agree?!!

Like I need to feel self-worth – depending on the other. There is nothing wrong with being loved or accepted and appreciated by others – but I sure would like for us to see the basic common sense in that this state of being must come from within the physical being of self. If not, it would not exist at all. Again – the mind is a smart trap to make life difficult.

So, I take it on myself to start to live more the words “self-worth”, and “self-love”, because I deserve it and because I need to be able to express this on my own, no matter what I think and believe others might think or perceive of me.

So again, a reminder to live the words self-worth and self-love from the physical within me – because what I think or imagine that other see me as – is nothing but mind games, and in that I stand inferior. So, time to stand up and be of physical self-worth and self-awareness.

Some self-forgiveness to go:

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need another person to be able to stand on my own.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison and abandon a part of me from me, where I would abandon myself from my own self-expression, and start to reject myself as this childlike expression.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and judge this particular childlike expression – that is still me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must first lower myself and pity myself, judge myself to then seek approval and seek permission to be worthy and to feel loved – from how I experience myself in imagined relation to another where I feel I must have their permission to be.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be –  is to crumble myself down down into the abyss of me – to find myself crippled and scared and hurt, for me then to seek approval from others to stand up, to rise and shine, to seek approval from others for me to feel loved and to feel appreciated.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the  resistance and the noise – reaction within my mind when I think that I have to be the low down dirty schizophrenic and that I am an outcast and that is how that is – where I feel like I need to seek approval and acceptance from others to be valued and loved. I would need others energy/feeling for me to then sense and feel that ok now I can love myself, now I can appreciate myself, now I can feel worth – because such is granted to me, from my imagination, of the other person.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on another to seek approval of being me – to be able to have a life and to be worthy in my own flesh and being.

I commit myself to live self-worth in the real time moments when working with others.

I commit myself to strengthen my stand as self-support to be real as the physical being of me to give myself that honnor and self-worth.

I commit myself to find myself as that poisoned and abandoned kid and to embrace that kid as myself unconditional and to love that part of me – my innocence and my physical – to give life to life. That is true self forgiveness and true self-worth.  

Investigate:  desteni

Day 853 – love of self

This is a continuation from Day 852 – Making self love real

 

Self love is also not only outer living – outer living is a part of it –  but the inner – physical being and awareness of self is the starting point of what I do. So it is to look in the mirror and be satisfied – be proud of what have been walked. To look in those eyes and smile, giggle even, because I have come to learn – that I can bring anything – here – and that I can forgive – anything and equalize to it – embrace myself – love myself equally as I can embrace & love anyone else, as me. Because deep down we are all equal and one – its only out expression that will differ. So I am discovering self love, and its humbling. I can embrace me – and thank me – to be grateful for me walking in forgiving self support of me. That is of living self forgiveness and part of my self love. I have walked and stood by my side through all kinds of mad storms – hell and high water, it has been tough – fail me not! But I am still here – standing by myself – by life – in self support – in self love – in self forgiveness. There is no other way. Self forgiveness is the ultimate key to find true self love as physical practical self awareness.

 

From forgiving my way through mind programs and systems – that have limited me into lesser than – from mind programs – non reality – from forgiving these systems and programs in great detail, I learn to stand up as the physical practical reality of me – to be proud of what I have walked and changed as myself – into a better functional responsible me. This process of forgiving myself into a solid me – to leave the fiction of mind – leads me into self gratitude and ultimatly self love.

 

  -I can look in the mirror and be proud and glad of what I see. I can bring anything here – into me – to equalize to it and find within that – I can live what is best and make way for others to learn from my example. 

 

I can live self love – because I take absolute responsibility – through self forgiveness  and that over time I learn to know me, to appreciate me – to love me

 

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Day 852 – making self-love real

 

I recently posted a picture with a note on facebook about the polarity of love. That is in itself fine and clear. The “love“ we find of mind system is a polarity and it is highly commercialized and for consume and abuse of life. So, what is the solution to this – I point at life – that life is the new love. And in very many ways that is perfectly correct. So, I need to specify it for me – what in my life is self-love – for me – appreciating me.

 

For a very long time, I have been living with making other people great – greater than me. When I work and exist with people – I have made them great and superior – in order for me to be less and then to be petted and “given love”. I would deem them as greater and me as lower – and from this position I would expect and crave from them – love. That have been my main source and definition of love.

 

So, I find today when opening this up – to study what is in my mind with writing, mind constructs and self forgiveness. I learn that I do need some love – and I need to define this love as something unique for me of my life. In other words, I need to find what is self-love for me.

 

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I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for in the moments of co-work and co-existing I go into this role or mode of seeing various other beings as greater than me, I deem them as superior to me, and in the same moment I make myself the inferior of that polarity, I inferiorize myself and make myself small – like I need to have love from them – I would addict to be petted and loved – like I am a hurt puppy – and to then define “love” as some feeling that I only get from others.

Within this I take it to myself to redefine what love is for me – for me to truly establish what is self-love, and to make that something I can apply to myself – on a daily basis of self-care/self-love.

 

So, I will work to define some elements in my everyday to be that of self-love for me – and end the polarity game – because that is not real – it’s a mind game – and there for not in support of life. I find today in particular three elements that are my type of self-time and self-love. Ocean bath (or cold shower), forest walk (or stretching / yoga) and reading a book or a newspaper. Three elements that sustain my quality of self. My self-love. These are three elements – there are more situations that are self-love, but this is to simplify, to make it more easy to define for myself.

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Day 851 – The Magic of self

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Hogganvik Village where I live, south west Norway

 

 

I was born schizophrenic. It was “in the cards” for my reincarnation lol… In the west we are not used to use words such as reincarnation – hey, at least not when I grew up! That being said, growing up as schizophrenic I sure did find the best family and probably country and time to do so.

 

What I want to convey to you here, is the solutions to my illness. Schizophrenia is a serious illness of mind and self. Schizophrenia is basically when there are 2 or 3 personalities within self and mind that are at the same time trying to be in control and direction of self and body. There is a war within between these personalities in the mind/self. From this internal war – there is then the symptoms of voices in the head, hallucinations, paranoia, pain, conspiracy of thought, confusion and lots of problems within ones living. What has been common with me also – is that I tend to project out of myself – new mind units – personality platforms – so that I would have to answer for 3 or 4 different minds. That is also quite disturbing and stressful way to live.  The psychosis or war in oneness mind is most often activated in new situations with new people.

 

That is the basic of how my schizophrenia have been playing out.

 

So, what are my solutions to this advanced illness?

 

For me to start with my medication was very important. For a very long time I worked against the doctor’s recommendations, and medication. So, for me to start to cooperate with the doctor about medication and ending my own usage of drugs, alcohol and porn – was essential.

 

The second part that I will present here is without comparing equally as important. And that Is to start to work on understanding self. In order to understand self – I must forgive myself. It is the self that needs to be forgiven – by self. This can be a challenging pill to swallow for many but if you look at it – what have you possibly got to lose from for- giving yourself? And what do you possibly have to gain?

I am telling you from my experience that self-forgiveness is a real and ultimately super power to heal self – from within. To understand self as mind and at the same time you find the grounding and stability as the physical of self – the flesh – and to let go of the metaphysical/imagination/mind. It’s the job of a lifetime and its brilliant. An endless empowerment potential.

 

There are also many, other ways to add to self-process that will heal one. Things like walking in nature, painting, cold bath, writing, reading books, making blogs, to preform in some way, to glue and dig and bake self into a new self. To change from ones preprograming. To change from the destructive and abusive self that we have been, as separation, and inequality. To bring everything here back to self and into oneness and equality. Or equilibrium if you like.  It is us and it is now.

 

 

So, if you know of schizophrenia here is my advice, cooperate with the doctors. And be certain that you at the same time – start new things, like jogging, swimming, painting, baking, cooking, several new activities. One must simply do it. Consistently.

 

For me to write out mind constructs with walking the desteni I process, and to learn to forgive myself and bring all of me into – yes, an equilibrium, from forgiving the polarity and energy addiction, letting go of fear and ego. To become a better me, in thought word and deed.

 

For me today writing and speaking self-forgiveness – to me – for me – is the best medication.

I do still have medication from my doctor, and I have a stable and sound relationship to that, it is what I need for me to function better. So, to add to that at the same time – is writing out my mind, to over time, quantum forgive myself, to learn what is self-honesty. To bath in the ocean, to work with my hands, to cook, clean, play and sing.

 

Self-forgiveness and the desteni I process have changed me and saved me as much as the medication have. And I am grateful for the existence of both for my support and well-being.

Like I say there there are many ways to support to self – be sure to find yours. Pleas ask me if anything is unclear. We must be here for each other.

 

Medicine can keep me afloat, keep my head above the water – but that is not a comfortable way to live just like that – so with desteni I process I am able to rise myself up, and become responsible, creative, caring, honest, understanding and forgiving self.

 

Give time to investigate : Desteni

 

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Day 850 – SNEAKY

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I realize today, that I am living a specific pattern from years back. It is a real tough pattern that I believe blends a bit with my schizophrenia and mixes itself with some believes and addiction systems and whips there is the sneaky character.

 

From I was very young I learned to steal. I do not know from WHO I learned to steal but I started very early to take a few kroners here and there. This would go on systematically since I was 7 or 8 years old, and it would blend with my schizophrenia systems – or at least that is how I see it.

 

Today, more than 30 years later I like to say that this time is past me – it’s gone. And though I have ended the stealing, I still find today that system character of being a sneak. Like a thief that would sneak in on something – take something and hide it. Back then it was for the adrenaline rush and the experience. Today my mind uses this system – this error to sneak in new thoughts and new systems into me – to further occupy and possess my mind and my conscious with thoughts, feelings & emotions – the holy triangle of mind’s dope & cravings.

 

One more time. Today I catch myself in sneaky sabotage systems – where my mind tries to sneak in desires, positivity, spite, pity, blame, fear, worry or ANY sort of ENERGY MIND SYSTEM into my world – to pollute my awareness – to fog and make my reality complicated and metaphysical.

 

I notice that the sneaky character (that is a personality/system within me) wants to seduce me by promising experiences and escaping, from my pain and troubles, with feelings and emotions – like selling dope to myself/my ego. It’s the addiction ticket.

 

So I will note this and take onto myself to end this system of sabotage. I can reverse it and drive it back to the physical – through self for-giveness  – because I am the one who started it and created it – and I am the ONLY one who can truly deal with it – to forgive it and live the best solution – after having properly forgiven it. So I will look at my addiction to adrenaline in particular and the sneaky character that wants to sneak in the system of me – to clutter my awareness. Because I do NOT allow for this system to take root – to poison my awareness – any further.

 

 

Give time to DESTENI

 

 

 

Day 847 – Why do you walk the Desteni I Process, Tormod ?

I ask myself this question, as a reminder and motivation to myself, onto why chose to walk the Desteni I Process Pro.

Back in the early 2012 I would choose to start my Desteni I Process – because it is a way out of the hell that humanity have created on earth. It was an exit and a door – into something that would let me know about my mind, answers to the thousands if not millions of questions I had within me of – why does humans have a mind, why all this suffering, why the religion why why why….

 

From walking my Desteni I Process I have come to learn to liberate myself from my mind’s total enslavement of my/the physical. I would learn to hack into my own mind, to be able to forgive myself to then understand my mind, in outmost detail. I was and have been and am still working on forgiving and removing/deleting my schizophrenia.

 

Walking my Desteni I Process have proved to me that I can liberate myself from my own mind’s programs. I was soon to realize that by learning to forgive and understand my mind – I am at the same time taking response – ability for my total and all of creation. And within that – literally saving/changing the world from myself as starting point. Desteni I Process is like being Neo in Matrix, I am very, very serious when I say that.

Walking my Desteni I Process I have come to face all my dirty secrets and my dark sides. To forgive it all in detail,  and be able to understand the systems behind the suffering.

 

Choosing to walk with Desteni was easy – though it took me a while to decide. And every day I now see the effect and outcome of that choice.

I initially chose this path – because I saw it a as a true way out of the hell we have been in. Mind consciousness systems enslaving of my body and my universal being. I saw Desteni I Process as a way to exit and to become real – become life. Because mind consciousness system has been the opposite of life – it has been death, suffering and abuse – that is the true effect of our mind system living. The diseases of “thought” and “believe” have poisoned humanity for a very long time.

This is the last life we have on earth – as consciousness. So, learning to see this in real time – choosing to walk with Desteni I Process was simple, it was as simple as choosing life and not the death of systems as the mind consciousness system.

 

I chose Desteni I Process because I chose life, and I chose Oneness and Equality for all beings. To make this earth into a real sanctuary and heavenly place for all to live – that is the kind of potential we live by at Desteni I Process Pro – it is the ultimate ride. And I mean that with all my hearth.

 

Some self forgiveness to go :

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for seeing into the deeper dimensions of me and I se these flaws and errors, these system faults, and I come to realize that this is part of my schizophrenia and the disease of being me, that I was born with this mental fault and error call it schizophrenia, that made my mind disfunction a certain way, my beingness and physical and my mind relationship was skewed and out of order – even before I was born – meaning from the creation of me.

 

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my mind, being and body’s misalignments within me that lead me to experiences that are lesser than, to experiences that are sorry to be honest, and I feel disheartened by it and I feel like breaking down with it – because there is no simple way out of that sort of suffering it is simply flaws in the creation of me – from “the other side” that made me into that which I am – a  flaw.

 

Within this I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to include myself with people that might experience the same kind of flaws and illnesses, where I feel this deep down disgust and shame from being schizophrenic and all the sorry things I have done as a result of such a illness.

 

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “ah to hell with it” , “ this world is not worth of saving” or to project myself into a new me – a new persona, where I again become sad and depressed from schizophrenia simply recreating itself from mind projections.

 

Within this I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging my mind and what It may present to me, because deep, deep down I fear that my schizophrenia was to restart itself and get back at me – and overwrite the many years of self forgiveness and simply fuck me over again.

 

I Forgive myself as my Beingness, my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have my schizophrenia get back at me.

 

I was chatting with a old friend last night, one who lives with OCD and some of what was shared was that some people are born with mental illness – it is simply in our path, it is something that we have to deal with. It is a error in our creation of self. Some people have a bit more to deal with in this life and that is something that we have to accept. That is how that is. And it felt like we where cuddling our head together lol… and like we embraced each other and motivated each other to keep standing and to keep proving that even with OCD or schizophrenia – it is possible to have a quality life and within that to make a real difference in the lives others and the millions to come – not as consciousness but as real physical, breathing,  pulsing life here.

 

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