Living with schizophrenia definitely have its challenges. One of my dearest troubles, has to do with leaving my apartment. Every time I leave my apartment either by foot or by car, I go into either more or less paranoia. Either it is a small glimpse of paranoia or it is a more deep going depressive and frustrated paranoia, that last longer.
I have specific fear of leaving my stove on. I can check the stove 2 or 3 times before I leave my house and still having left my house, I feel fear that the house will burn down. So it is definitely a point of self trust. To be able to trust myself no matter what. Myself trust is failing. I have to be able to trust myself like I have to be able to trust other people.
So this constant returning problem I need to work on. It could seam I simply need to trust myself, but I also keep in mind that I am born schizophrenic, and if you do live with schizophrenia you most likely face paranoia now and then. Kind of goes with it.
Within this I bring onto myself the dimensions of paranoia, fearing to burn down the house and loose all my stuff, facing jail, death from the fire etc… real paranoia escalating. Seeing ambulances and priests on my walk thinking I caused great harm, come home to see that the stove is of and cold.
I will try to change myself according to this. I will forgive myself according to this and see where I could do difference to change myself and my experience of leaving my house, and let go of the paranoia.
What is self trust: here
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to provide self trust to myself with turning of my stove, leaving before leaving my house, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and paranoia over not trusting myself and falling head on into paranoia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the same paranoia over and over again from seeing the pictures in my head of fire and burning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be responsible for damage and injury.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my stuff in a fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my apartment and for what people would talk about me if I caused a fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face other dimensions within me of paranoia and fear from my history of being young and doing bad things and sabotaging life from programming and being a rebel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand responsible for my past of sabotaging and crime where I fear to be punished and humiliated in public.
When and as I see myself about to leave my house. I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I could need to boost myself on self trust. I realize I should tell myself in words, in a slow motion that the house is safe. That the stove is of. Tell myself in calamity and honesty that the house is safe to leave. I commit myself to tell myself in a slow calm fashion, that the house is safe. I commit myself to talk to myself and to share in honesty how my house is safe. I commit myself to use whatever tools I can to avoid paranoia. I commit myself to self communication.
Thanks for reading – enjoy breathe