Tag Archives: emotional

Day 800 – To fear my own emotions

Listening to “creating a safe space for emotions and expressions” I realize a particular thing with the my experience of self and mind, that is how I am fearing my own emotions. I can fear and very soon go into judging and reacting of my own emotions. Check out the interview it is really cool.

 

That is quite something to discover. And it is a bit of evidence of how hard wired and complex the mind and the world and our individual consciousness system is. There are reasons why the world have been experienced as complicated and hard to grasp. It is all about self. I can guarantee you. Our mind programming has be complex, tough, delicate, multi layered and vivid. It has been a lot, and it has been omni present instead of life. This has now been changed and life is now in front seat. Individually we still carry all our programming and matrix data/mind. This we have to forgive and become responsible with.

 

So this is me highlighting a component of my programming. The fact that I react and judge my emotions (sort of super-sizing it) by first going into fears. Say for instance that I am about to experience angst. I would most likely first go into fear, and then take it personally and judge or react to my angst, as well as my fear. lol you see it get very manifold within so.

So this is me discovering myself and my programming. Seeing and exposing it for all its details. One more time to explain : I would fall into a emotion, say angst, and within so I would fear that angst, and also on top of that, react or judge my fear and my angst. lol it is simply beyond. By forgiving it all, and realize  our self and standing up within this we can really learn the depth of mind and change our relationships and then create a ripple effect in the world.

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These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

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Day 747 – emotionally addicted

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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take on/attack myself with angst, fear, judgments, anger and depression, and for not being able to clear the house/my body completely of these emotions (…) and then simply returning to self, with a more concentrated personality/mixture of these poisonous emotions and to crucify myself within my flesh/body with these designs, over and over again – not seeing until now the infinite looping returning to sender (me) like basic math.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be done with judging/blaming myself so it returns from the ego/consciousness with greater force since now I am aware of it, I know it is “there”, for it to knock me out and to crucify me and make me hurt.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself feel like letting go of emotions, and I think to myself they are simply imaginary and they don’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself dump my emotions on others/project it on others – simply to have it smack me out of my chair in the next turn.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to learn my emotions from scratch.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like emotions got me doomed.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to think that they have it so much easier than me.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at, and try to make sense of  this looping of emotions short-cutting me into little pieces and making me suffer – from the design of the conscious mind and polarity/energy design, like a rollercoaster/blender from hell.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is my schizophrenia – I have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop the conscious looping and energy games – it will only cause consequences for me.

I commit myself to look closer at the bigger picture here, and to look deep into myself, about looping /playing games with energies in my mind.

sooo…

loving the fear & the angst… (looking deep inside)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can express more/be more explicit/creative, when I am inn angst and in anxiety and this then gives me a sense of freedom within being lost in angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like angst since I feel like I can express more freely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a tool to manipulate particular in ways to gain sex and to try to use fear to gain sex to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to “like” fear as a tool to have/gain/manipulate to have sex.

here I talk more on my schizophrenia : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO3fFWY-jh4&t=0s

here is a cool interview: https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia

Other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

Day 708 : Day 15 : Fucked up !!

Day 15 of 21 days of walking with self forgiveness

I will take on the challenge from my brother : Gian Robberts on walking a 21 day trial of (only/daily) self forgiveness on points. I will walk these points of self forgiveness for self/world change during 21 days.

 

Here is Gain’s Blog :

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.no

21 days of self forgiveness on key points.

The points will be that kind of relevant points as of this world and our living.

Money, sex, politics, work, religion, mind  and so on

 

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Day 15: Fucked up !!

 

Schizophrenia is essentially when personalities of your mind / consciousness starts embodying itself into behaviour all at the same time, so you have for example 2 / 3 different personalities trying to ‘live themselves out’ in the body at the same time causing much inner conflict. Whereas with most people in this world, the personality systems of their mind / consciousness are more ‘controlled’ in the sense that one personality at a time will activate that they will then embody and then live out dependent on where they are / with who they are – Sunette Spies

 

 

Please read loud for best effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a  level of stress and panic, where voices was triggered within me that made me go into a moment of voices possession within my mind and my head this morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the voices in my head saying this “xxxxxx” and that “xxxxx” and for taking it personal what they were saying and to become depressed and sad from having these voices and to let these thoughts/voices mess with my head the way they did and for feeling bad emotional after, instead of investigating it and checking out what I could learn from the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my medication/drugs for the episode, after the voices/possession and for blaming Mr. XX and for judging the world around me as bad and wrong thinking I don’t deserve this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have lost something within this episode because of how I go into depression and sadness/emotions for having this voice and for  feeling  like I lost something which was myself (!) within going into emotions after the experience of the episode/voices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience those type of voices/demons/trauma within my head that was constructed just like a thought but that was only much more loud and much more intense and out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like “yes, this is like having schizophrenia”,  “it is just my life” , etc failing to see how I could learn from it.

 

I learn now to have that basic “calm, comfortable and stabile” – basis within myself and to avoid going into psychosis/voices from knowing myself  and my physical limits. I also very important, learn from this to not take these things personally (!!) Because if I take it personal I lose myself within  it, and that losing is like fear/emotional  that becomes me and fear/emotion is not an option. Fear is a illusion – and  a bad state of mind.

I repeat to myself: to investigate these things in self honesty, to learn from it and to NOT take it personal when it happens – and to forgive it and learn how to change from it. I also see now how I had that (brief) option of change from words/direction. I could have changed my living word and avoided going into loss (of myself ) and fear of such.

“Voices in the head” are like x-tra loud/intense thoughts:

What are voices in the head : VIDEO

 

Thanks

Day 630 – My emotional life – overview

I mapped out my childhood. I have been working with self forgiveness for 4 years now and I have mapped out my entire childhood and larger parts of my past. Things I had forgotten and suppressed, hidden, that I have all forgiven in detail. I reached a new transcendence and a point of change within my living. My whole childhood is now mapped out to me. I have a overview, a perspective on my life. The details are many, traumatic and quite complicated. This is simply a  overview. Through self forgiveness and corrections, I have now worked through all the energies and complications within this past.  It is quite a relief to have reached this point of clarity. My emotional life goes something like this:

 

Child nude play with second cousins – being caught by grandmother at age 5- 6

Finding porn magazines near road, keeping as treasures age 7 – 16

Being bullied at school by older students / later bullying others all through school age 7- 16

Nightmares / psychosis fever fantasy at home age 9 – 16

Demonic thoughts/gruesome thoughts/possession age 10 – 12

Suicidal thoughts age 13

Actively sabotaging school / society doing crime age 14 – 20

Psychiatry and drugs, alcohol, sex, porn and drama age 20 – 33

Starting to work on self forgiveness in 2012 (33 – present)

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Don’t get me wrong… there was also happy moments in my life. Lots of them. But these are the list of things that made a real difference within me.

What can we learn from this ?

Well… one thing I would like to point out is to ask “what happened to you”, instead of “what is wrong with you”. I was born schizophrenic. This is my childhood mapped out pretty much. This is from 4 years of working on self, everyday on forgiving myself.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

Have the nice day.

Day 581 – Who is fooling who at the health shop?

I was walking around in town the other day, heading for a health shop to use a gift card I was given at Christmas. I was listening to music from my IPhone. I was enjoying myself but there was this little thing in the back off my mind bothering me. The idea that I should be obsessed with emotions or that: if I already was obsessed with emotions, and I would not be in control of myself no more. And that if I let my emotions run the show, I am no longer in charge of myself and what I did. The mind takes over. This thought was bothering me. I was listening to some up spirit music. Funny enough, I was dancing in the streets.

I entered into the supermarket and headed over to the escalator while dancing, and followed it up to the upper part of the supermarket coming up from the escalator with a pose to play electric guitar. Air – guitar is for free by that way, – remember that. Still I had this thought in the back of my head that emotions are going to run me over, sort of paranoia.

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I did some brief dancing and made a little scene as I moved toward the health shop I had in my plan to visit. I came into the health shop and I said, “Hi: how are you doing” to a man that was in the store and managing it. He was at work. I reached out my hand to greet him, and I wanted to shake his hand. This slight little paranoia was still present within my way back in my mind. He bluntly replied that “I do not want to shake your hand, why should I?” – at me and all of a sudden it was like I was punched in the gut. Boom. I fell down within myself within my being to the diagnosis of me – want – to – cry – now – not – later kind of diagnosis. I was so flabbergasted by his words that left without saying much, so I went out from the store, to check my gift card and my credibility with it at an automat.   So I said to myself ok, Chill Tormod, breathe, and use you’re commonsense, what do you do now?

So after I had checked my gift card and made some thoughts about what to do, I went back into the health store to talk to him again. And I apologize to him for my behavior. I said I was sorry for being rude, he could not know here my hands had ben that day. I told him he was right to choose who to shake hands with – and I should not judge that at all. He was entitled to not shake my hand. And he accepted my apology and we separated more or less from there.

I realize that I have been missing to say self-forgiveness on letting emotions ruin my living and I will do that here, now inn this blog, related to this episode. Then I will not be surprised or flabbergasted by people like I did this day at this store. If I can live without addicting to mind and without salving for energies I can live more honest and there for more in what I best for all.

I will work through self-forgiveness to sort out my energies and my mind components to come clean from this paranoia and this belief that I experienced this day. Enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had to hold onto a pieces of emotions within me because I was convinced by mind that it was the correct thing to do, and to keep this energy or emotion within me because of following the authority of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the authority of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this belief that it was the right thing to do to carry this emotion within me and giving my belief and energies to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into paranoia from this experience of giving into energies to my mind and slaving to mind on this day trying to dance it away, acting like a dancer to draw attention away from the emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fell my guts all punched out from within me and as I did that I would feel like I was had like been fooled or flabbergasted, and turned into a laugh, from my experience of meeting this cold- shoulder or refusal from shaking hands, with this person working in the health store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “what the hell is your problem man, can you not be nice and polite?”, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out this thought, at him, and remove myself form the responsibility of having this thought at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about that man like you are a freak and you are weird and creepy for not shaking my hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will get my revenge you just wait and see man, thinking that he had something coming for him etc. simply thinking badly about that honest man, judging him, that acted simply from his honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to bring this story up within me from fear of what to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that man at that store and thinking that you (the man) are such a typical health store freak that is always perky and on your own, special like kind of person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go back to that particular store again, from fear and embarrassment of facing that man again.

When and as I see myself being turned down and being rejected by someone. I stop myself and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that people are different and people have different programming. I realize that it is deviant to judge and blame other people. I realize that this person in this store has his life rule to who he shakes hands with, and I have no reason to judge that. I realize that I become the clown when I judged him. I commit myself to go back to that store without any grudges or judgements from the past. I commit myself to let go from mind by focusing on the physical. I commit myself to be to use the air – guitar – tricks more often; I commit myself to live my life in honesty – without slaving for energies and mind.

Check out the links : Thank you!

http://desteni.org/ – Oneness and Equality

http://desteniiprocess.com/ – “The” process to walk

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ – A free of charge writing course with buddy support

http://livingincome.me/ – Our best alternative at the moment

Fundamental human rights: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eT8Sfq-pF3Y

Day 540 – 1969 Woodstock

How I become emotional from watching Woodstock – videos/music on youtube.

Woodstock music festival, was first and originally held in the town of Bethel, New York, from August 15 to 18, 1969. There where artists like, Joni Mitchell, Jimi Hendrix, Grateful Dead, Joe Cocker, Janis Joplin and many many more. The videos and in particular the music from this festival, from you tube, I have known before and after this festival as a celebration to peace and love and freedom. It was a festival that today is thought upon as a part of the liberation of drugs and of the so called “hippie” or love and light – movement and with having no clothes/restrictions or simply colorful clothes, and a idea that we all need love and compaction to cope with this life. Who would not get emotional ?

The 1969 – Woodstock movement is today, 46 years later, making me emotional every time I think of it. How is this possible ? I think of the aging of the teenagers that where there then. It could have been my parents. I picture their life spans from 1969 and to – today inn 2015 – and what happened in between was just a breath of air. The movement of those days where emotional in themselves. They where challenging the system that we lived in. People like Joe Cocker, who just died this winter, had a certain believe and this certain conviction in his life, and under thus 3 days in 1969 in USA he and others proved that the world could, possibly, change. Into a more open world, or should I say possibilities where made where more people could see that, we do not need military and war, we can live without milllitary and war. It is a possibility and we should NOT let this possibility pass us, we should build down the military. We should eventually remove it. It is something that we needed to bring into practical reality. Today. Our children and our future depends on it. We can start building down the military today. It is a option. Let’s make it real!

I still become emotional when I listen to Jimi Hendrix or Janis Joplin, or Joe Cocker. Why? Because I still see that we need to take love into a further practical reality. And melt all the guns and the bombs. Work is love in action said, Khali Gibrain. It is time to bring a further practicality to life and to build down the world grid structures of military complexes. We need to look at possibilities for military to be deleted and to be vanished. For good. How do we get there?

It is like I am reminded with the music and the posters and the videos from the Hippie movement this warm and fuzzy feeling, through my body, that I am a part of this world and that love is some of the very reason why I am aware and will do what is best for all at all times.

It is this feeling that goes by the name of “Love and Light”, that I bring me to that point of a conscious or a awareness, and then, I am reminded that 40 % of the world population do not have a ordinary toilet. I am reminded that 80 % of the world population is living for les that 5 $ – a day. And this could all be simply solved, through re directing money from military and war – bullshit – into a means tested income to all people in all the nations. It is doable and it is affordable. USA spends 700 billion – or more – on military annually. There is more then plentiful for all to have a fair share. There is abundance for all.

And the USA should defiantly go first and talk to Russia, China, France, UK, Italy, India, Pakistan, and others to build down the military. It is a possibility and it is a world solution. It is best not ignored.

We can live in a world without military. No man should under any circumstances be able to shoot and /or kill another man.   That should not be a possibility. It is possibility to live on this planet without going to war. It is very much doable. I have studied this for some time now. And I have found this one very conclusion. The inequality gap of mankind is the reason of the sickness of mankind. A unfair share and unfair dealing of all the money is the reason that wee se that there is sickness on this earth. It is inn reality the money. I kid you not.

We need to start taking down the military structures. This world cannot take too much more of this torture. And we will not let the greed win. Not at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and depressed when I hear about the 1960/70 Hippie movement and in particular the Woodstock festival, that I would relate to as this “defender” of love, or of a as the key to bring love further, and to bring love to a more tangible and understandable and somewhat more meaningful purpose where I would think of that the generation that is two or more generations older than me, including my parents, that I would recon like I own something to in debt to them, or like I would simply admire them for opening up the “Pandora’s box” and learning me to think outside the box and to listen to my inside and to myself and find common sense, when I realize that it was all a imagination in my head, from where I created this idea or conviction, that the hippie movement/people are somehow closer or more related to the phenomena of love than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the individual processes of Joni Mitchell or Jimi Hendrix or others that where simply, of the audience back then, and I would think thoughts like “you are special because you where at Woodstock” and “You are unique and special” kind of thoughts, that I would place with the individual from these days with the Woodstock movement 46 years ago where I see that I simply worship the stars of yesterday as I do with the stars of today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this generation that where in the 20 and 30 those days are now in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s and older, where I would think that I would own to them to bring love closer to … self, to target and to make military into nothing and to have war to stop existing, where I would think that I own it to them, the older generation to make this life into a better for all and perhaps most to the coming generation: to the children, because we did wrong and we can correct our self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the warm and cozy feeling that I get from listening to the Woodstock music and to look at the hair and the colorful clothes that they wear, that I would think to myself that those where the days, and I would think to myself that I own something to that generation and those people that where participating with that movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am doing a continuation of that work that was done back then with the Hippie generation that I see is just another, for me to consume more and that is used as a reason to spend more money on stuff that I do not need, based on commercial and consumerist world religion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel emotional over listening to some of the artist from Woodstock days that I would consider to be very gifted musicians and artist that I would think of as myself and what I do in my life as a follow up from this engagement and from this point of view to bring love into action meaning the work that I do when I write and share like this, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that me with my friction within my mind and the life that I live within so without is the continuation of war in this world where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the friction I have against war systems and complexes, where I see that I am simply poring on more gas to the fire and not doing what I can do in my practical physically here, to breathe and to be aware of myself in every way within so without as who I am every day in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad or sorrow from the early deaths of Janis Joplin and from Jimi Hendrix and others, that one can presume or proof that were murdered by some agents, that would get me further “down” from thinking about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that justice must be served with these early and suspicious deaths from these famous people, where I forget that al life is equal and that for instance 8 million children disappear from the face of earth, every year without anyone in particular, care to investigate about that.

When and as I see myself going into emotions over listening to any of the known artist from those days, and I simply go into feeling bad or emotional, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I should rather enjoy that music and I enjoy that musical arts from then and from today, and be aware of what I am listening to and be aware of things like programming and how I react as a effect from listing to music. And live into the music and simply enjoying it or I really give into myself and I give in my energies and I would be sort of flowing with the music. I realize that I categorize the music from Woodstock as something “special” and something fundamentally cool, because I like it, where it is bring in me to this point off needing to change or leading to a paradigm shift of the world system, or of world construct that I would encourage to change because we need a shift in many element of our living and definitely most in how we share money. I commit myself to be a part of that system that shifts from military and corruption to sharing and love that can help both humans and earth and nature and to be that change in life that I would like to see with others. I commit myself to investigate what music does to me, and how I can be aware of it. I realize that I have addicted myself to emotions.

When and as I see myself listening to the videos and at the tunes from Woodstock festival, or similar “old” music. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am programmed to feel emotional from these videos and these tunes, and I realize that I have reacted with emotions every time, I listen to it, and it is programmed within me to react emotional and to sort of slip into my old habit of doing weed and drinking again. I realize that I am living my pre programmed reality of who I have been and who I was thought to be before. I realize that I was thought to act in this certain way from my old environment that I would be thought from growing up and what was cool and what was not cool. I commit myself to let go of the old pre – program design and habits and emotions. I commit myself to listen and enjoy music as I go about. I commit myself to a further awareness of what I listen to. I commit myself to be that changing piece of environment that is acting freely and dancing when I would like to and I would do just that; dance and sing when I would like to.

I commit myself to work for ending of all military and all war systems with what I do every day. I commit myself to end all war within so without. I commit myself to what is best for all.

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Democracy against war now: https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

The best immediate alternative : http://livingincome.me/

Living income guaranteed porposal: http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal

Equal rights: