Tag Archives: doubt

Day 814 – the DANCE within CONFIDENCE



Doubt and insecurity have been a part of me for a long time. It have often been a sneaking undercurrent of my everyday living. Subtly and like sinking sand, making life difficult in the most meticulous ways. All from my own (accepted and allowed) programming of mind.

There is this quote I keep falling back to, and it is presented like it is from Nietzsche that goes; “Just doubt it” – in comparing to Nikes: “Just do it” – kind a funny, like gallows humor, like to let the depression and sorrow to win one over.

*This is just a glimpse into the total process that I am walking through these emotions.

To just resign sort of. Which have been a common factor of today. We sort of give up. Drug addiction is common to that experience.

Growing up skizofrenic and spending lots of time on addictions and suppression of me, made me later doubt myself and my ability, to this very day. Like thinking common sensical about doing something, like baking or driving a new car model, where I would think initially this is fine I know this, and then at the same time there sneaks in a doubtful thought and a questioning of myself trust. Shaking my up ground.

Like taking on a new skill and a new chore, where common senisicaly I know it and there is no reason to fear it. Still there sneaks in this half thought, like doubt into me, and flip over my game lol… and so I face trouble and my chore becomes hard and difficult – learning the hard way.

Well this is about giving up on the actual giving up lol… To redefine and live the solution.
What words can be lived instead of doubt and insecurity ? Confidence, self trust, safety, solidity, stability. So that is where I would like to sail inn and dock my ship lol. Into the living of those words.

So doubt is like a slow dying, sinking sand, you could say, neglecting, ignorance, abuse, addiction, suppression, limiting believes and such (…) would possibly lead to insecurity, fear, and doubt.

Looking at the word confidence, it says almost “dance” within it, and I see that there is a memory of me learning to dance from my sister – a point I will open up in this context.
So… this is my process and I will work on what I can and know to get through this and to do that I use self forgiveness. Because I want to live confidence and self trust, security and stability. We all do…

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the polarity of confidence and to think that I can’t measure and I can’t manage the play/dance of my confidence, I must polarize my confidence and bring myself down and into doubt, for not sustaining my confidence/dance/play.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make confidence and doubt a energy/polarity play.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word confidence as I fear to be judged for my dance.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within my subconscious memory where me and my sister is dancing and expressing our self, in front of a mirror, where I fear to show this memory to people and I feel like hiding this like a secret within my subconscious mind thinking my dance is private.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as sinful or obscure, obsessed with sex, because of the daring dance moves I learned from my sister – realizing this is all stored within my definition of “confidence”.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fail at my comfortable dance/act and I fail at being confident, and that I fail at my dance, from my crystallized memories of my past, where I make this absolute thing and believe about dances, to be between sexes: him and her from the discotheque when I was young.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dances, like “come – fine – dances”, to be only between sexes, and within that, to make myself inferior in compare to other boys about girls and sex.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with false believes and backchats where I tell myself that “I am not worthy”, “This is out of my league”, “I simply can’t pull my own weight” very sneaking and subtle voices in my head to bring myself down, from confidence, and into self doubt.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to level with self doubt and to think that this is how my life should be, this is me, I am full of doubt, I should just be in doubt, making it into a punishment of old mistakes, and inferiorizing of me.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that of others where I see confidence in them, and then go into comparing me to them.

Self commitment:

  • I commit myself to keep stable within breathing and living as the physical. I commit myself to honor that dance of confidence, to be playish and intrigued, to be interested in me. To give myself time, to introspect me and devote time and energy to myself and make my life 1-st priority so I can be a good example and guide for others.


  • I commit myself to investigate my definition of dancing and expression such, where I commit myself to find solutions to come-find dance(s), to add to my living and my expression and to be more alive.



Day 761 – symmetry and play

About a year ago I  was given some specific words to investigate, to redefine and live. One of these words was the word symmetry. Now I have been studying some various sources of what is the definition of symmetry. And it seem to me that most have several meanings to this word. It holds several definitions.

I would think , to myself,  I need to break it down in one core definition. Like this ultimate definition of this word. Failing to see that it can actually mean more than one thing. It can have multiple definitions.


So with these thoughts spinning in my mind, with its pro an con’s. I  thought, I have to nail this in one definite meaning.  So I posted on facebook this picture, of what I thought was the definition of this word.



I posted it without much consideration on facebook, and thought it is mostly word play. I wanted to play with this word so I posted it, not taking it ever to serious what definition I had given this word. I was like testing it out.

To me it was mostly play. And that right there is my core issue. If I post something out of play and … testing out to myself, like playing with the word/issue. Then do I have to say that – hey this here is play ? Do I have to make a sticker on the post saying obs, obs, be aware this is me playing ??

What is play ? How do I define play ?


Because in the eyes of the observer, who reads my facebook post, how should he or she know that “hey, this is a joke” – more or less.  This is not serious or .. real, it is a  joke. And how is it that I hereby make play invalid and wrong ?

Interesting huh ?


If someone is playing, than it should then show, that this someone is playing.  No?  Is this not about being clear in ones stand ? Yes it does. So if I was clear in my stand, It would show that this was playing ?…  I am not sure if this is right, and that is from not knowing myself good enough. From not knowing 100% my standing and purpose. It creates insecurities and doubt, do you agree ?


So for me this was a alarm going off. Saying to myself to be clear. To know myself. And to work on de constructing and removing my personality of uncertainty and doubt. So it seem like my personality of uncertainty and doubt have been playing me for a fool here.

So this goes to show that I need to redefine play to myself – because as of now it is not clear.  And to continue on finding my definition to the word symmetry.


Thanks for reading


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Day 753 – more on the word: organized

more on the word: organized



a continuation from blogs:






today I redefine this word again :


organized: have a certain structure, to keep it neat and uncluttered and also to have comfort within ones environment.

I today take on this word, within. A new process opens up with walking with words more on my insides – letting words guide me within, and sorting out more of my thoughts and emotions.  so I can birth life from my physical, meaning I can be a example in my own flesh / body for other people to see and realize/wake up within them self/mind, to live more fulfilling living for what is best or all in equality and oneness.


I have been walking now with this word organized for quite some time, and I have grown within this word. I notice that I take my time with such a word and I don’t know if it is because I jump to other words to fast, and act within being unorganized. Or if I simply needed to take that time. I guess it is a  mixture of both.


I now see opportunities and possibilities as well as response – abilities open up for me with walking with this word on my inside. I find this very interesting and fun to see with my real – eyes. To be intimate (into – me – I – see) with my body.  I think I will take this gradually and really mature within this word.

I go through my day with all sorts of things going on within my mind. Self judgment and certain emotions like angst, or depression,  and I take out and look at how I can live this word organized in such a relation to disturbances like emotions.

My mind is a reflection of me. If I am in my nature grounded, stable, firm and  organized, THEN my mind with be the same in return – to me. It is basic math, that goes to prove the equal and one relationship that one have to develop within ones being (body).  I make most of these realizations from working physical with my body. That is where I nurture my awareness – the  most.


Meaning …….. you might not have seen the last definition yet !


For more living words and how-to see : SOUL



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enjoy breathe !




Day 750 – My personality of uncertainty and doubt


painting by me


My personality of uncertainty and doubt.


Lately I have been facing, gradually more and more a certain personality of mine. It comes from back in time, where I was asked to investigate the word “uncertain”. Later I left this task and sort of “stacked it away” apparently nowhere.  Today some months later, the character appears again in my mind, it is returning to me from how I had projected it away from me. It is based on ego, and just a “feel good”, on the positive pole, – like don’t worry, but a rather deep sense of insecurity and doubt /paranoia  on the other, negative pole. I would have to feel certain and 110 % sure/secure about anything. I would need to double check everything to be soooo sure about appointments and agreements. It was like paranoia.


A full blown personality of polarity !

This personality would act out very hidden, or unseen. Like hiding from chores and tasks. I would avoid communication, and arrangements out of fear of feeling uncertain. Trying to hide from conflict, often by suppressing and making the polarity more potent in both poles equally (basic math)


I would notice this personality some time back, but looking at it / noticing it, I would not know what to call it. I would feel uncertain and in doubt about what to call it. lol I did not see until later that the uncertainty and doubt I felt in relations to what to make of it, was it!  It was staring me in the face.

It was so obvious, I could not see it – so I ended up projecting/blaming it on others.


I also notice a blame system within here, where I had this particular polarity/personality projected at another person. I could not recognize the personality/uncertainty  as mine, (I felt uncertain about it lol), or as something I had done, so I would judge it and project it elsewhere. I had for a long time projected this character of uncertain onto XX. This is where it is soooooo valuable to bring everything that we/I experience (like projections) back to self. Whatever I see and experience in my world and living, is my responsibility. Whatever thoughts, mind, projections, blame whatever I might bring up, is my responsibility to deal with.


Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of polarity and live by its design and programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being stuck with a personality construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this uncertainty and this doubt within myself, over time and question everything that I do with suspicion and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become suspicious at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so filled with doubt and uncertainty that I would call it every-day paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so uncertain about any situation, big or small,  that I would literally be very paranoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this polarity/personality onto XX for no other reason than seeing him as weak and little and then placing this with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project fault at the “little man”/ weak person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to myself on why I should be allowed to make that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress within the fact that I projected this at him (XX), and I after this, refuse to take responsibility for projecting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry and sad for discovering  that I was projecting this polarity construct on to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not in control of myself since I was suppressing and denying so badly the fact that this personality of uncertain was mine and not one of XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and “thrive” in the positive energies/ego part of the pole, personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only sometime see that consequences would smack me out of negative pole, basic math of polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the negative consequences and to try to project these also onto others.




Self corrections:

I commit myself to bring things back to myself, to a further and more deep going degree.

I commit myself to live self forgiveness in my breathing/body.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my shit.

I commit myself to use my breathe (and close my eyes) to find stability and calm (self honesty) within to be able to trust myself and to feel certain and stable of what I am doing.



– This personality of uncertainty and doubt really started long time ago, and has its roots in paranoia.

– I would fear the paranoia part of it so bad that I would push it away / project it away from me onto XX, who was innocent within this.

– I would suppress and deny being the origin of the polarity, though I see now in clarity that this was my responsibility. I could not see it because it was so obvious.

– I take responsibility for this personality and the projection within so.

– I learn from this how badly I fear thoughts/paranoia.

–  Also I learn how easy it was for me to project this, like subtle blame.

–  I realize how important it is to bring all things back to self.


If you seek information and assistance on doubt/uncertainty/anything check out eqafe  – use the search bar for typing in what you seek.



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Day 670 – the word is : uncertain


@ desteni we are living words : to live words is to pick a word or a phrase and really, investigate the word. Study it, sound it, write it and work on it. Words are sacred, even though this is not that much lived today in our normal day to day life – but they are – sacred. How we live our lives today is based on what words we stand on/carry with us.


I have quite a hard time to making decisions. Decisions,  make me uncertain and filled with doubt  and indecisiveness. It is quite a troubling experience with me to make a description at all. – So I was asked by my dear buddy within desteni, to investigate this word “uncertain”.


first I would fear to live this world thinking “oh no bad stuff will happen to me”, “bad karma” etc… or I will make bad decisions in my life because I live this word. feeling direct fear from my experience of this word.

Then I realized that I am actually dealing with myself and my inner world as I live this word since that – hey  this word is my issue.  “uncertainty” – working on it, living it  makes senses of it, because this word of many words,  makes me go into fear and reactions.


So… I am currently walking uncertain, and oh -boy has it have it been  door opener so far. Let me tell you… first I went into thinking “I need control” and feeling this urge to have “control” or to gain control within my life over uncertainty. So that was one thing that opened up like a polarity. I have earlier worked with this word “control”, trying to get even with myself on the terms of control, what control  is, so that was a wakening up call. Later now, I feel like I am more lost in resonance of uncertainty. I feel like uncertainty is like this bubble within me of air, a air bubble within my head.

So the word is


un – satan

under – stand

Working on this word makes me humble to life. Working on this word makes me realize what gifts is stored with working on words. This word uncertain hold many a gift to me. what words are you living (?)  – and most important of all: are you investigating them ?

I started to work on this word because I have such a hard time to make a particular decision within  my life. So my buddy told me to investigate it. uncertain. I am glad I did. I am living uncertain.

There is no right or wrong – there is only denial of what is here.

If you could imagine start living and investigating words check out S.O.U.L – school of ultimate living – and  have a  nice day.



a wall painting i did in 2011