Tag Archives: fear

Day 786 – Feeling loss of mind (component) – going into fear

Feeling loss of mind (component) – going into fear

Just now I was listening to a eqafe interview  that very delicately describes the process that I now walk. Feeling empty and feeling loss: Just today and the last hours, I have been feeling like I Iost something within my mind and within such going into fear thinking I had lost something vital or important when it was “only” from within my mind.

 

 

I would feel angry as a direct link to a fear of loss, fear of loss of possessions, objective, things, money anything from seeing and witnessing a loss of  mind system or components and within that specific loss, feeling empty, silent, depressed, feeling loss, fear and anger lol.. quite a lot to clean up after a simple loss of a mind system component.

Quite specifically I lost a sort of blame component (to my awareness) a sort of deliberating or consequence, call it blame system component. It would simply not be “there” in my mind’s programming no more.

 

self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into automated anger and irritation with self from losing something within my mind that I, within my mind automation,  would consider important to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear of loss from losing this detail within mind and its mechanics, that I would lose and for my mind going into fear of loss, and me feeling helpless, alone, scared within the change of a second, not seeing that it was only a part of minds programming that I would let go of, where mind feels naked or in fear, and I as a being go into fear, automated with my schizophrenia into anger and further fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel like diving into this mechanics and details, where I think it is only mind and it is only bad news, not seeing the whole picture of what went down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not until now see and realize some of the picture of how I can open up to myself and communicate, share and LEARN to me about such happenings and event in the life of me, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to not ask myself questions and talk to me about what is going on in my mind – in self honesty what is going on and  trust myself to know self and communicate to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to know what the future holds, when that is literally impossible, I am here, as breathe, I have to work here with the tools that I have.

 

When and as I see myself feeling a sudden, unexpected drop, or fall, scare, fear or anger, seemingly out of nowhere. I stop I take a deep breath and I slow myself down. I realize that it is in such happenings and moment I can learn, evolve and grow to understand the situation, to understand my mind. I realize that such situations holds great potential for me to open up, and communicate to self and learn about me here.

I commit myself to in such moments, to open up, write, or talk in a considerate way to others about what is going on within. To open up first and for most for me to learn how to live my life.

 

I commit myself to communicate more to me – about me. I commit myself to make each moment matter – more.

 

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These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 783 – serious

Living serious

 

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Who am I as the word serious ? The word serious can be quite interesting.

Let’s look at this word in my native tongue – Norwegian, let’s play and investigate this word.

Ser I oss ?

Ser dere oss ?

Can tho see us ?

Can you see me ?

Ser I ous –  can you see me/us ?

It ends up like a question, if I am visible or not. If anyone can see me. So what should make one stick out in a crowd ? What draws our attention on what premises ?

Let’s dive into this… We humans are a result of cultural and multilayered programming and upbringing. Consisting of memories, words,  data, energies, conscious, sub-conscious and unconscious mind that have made a myriad of impacts on us as beings. I mean we have gone thought some nasty shit to end up like we have, with constant war, crimes, inequality, pollution, abuse of life, rape, murder, ignorance and that list goes on & on. The human creation. Not a lot to be proud of – so far !

 

Most of us live under cultural influence and a undisputable demand to consume and  live according to polarized and painful energy surges and experiences  – constantly chasing the newest gadget, theme, movie, tech, money, porn, clothing, mobile, drug, hype etc.

 

We are driven by our minds (!) desire to do “this” over “that”.  Within a fraction of a  second we make our minds to chose, Paris Hilton over Naomi Klein, or Simone de Beauvoir,  we chose a coca cola, over a carrot or water, or porn instead of self investigation,  we choose violent computer games over writing our life story and reading books about perma culture. Can you agree to this  ?? We drive and chase porn, video games, and celebrities, energies, we do anything, all the time to have more money, and to improve our status above others in compare. This is still the core human drive of mentality.  This have been going on for some time now.

 

So why should I be serious, why should people look at one ? What makes one so special ?

To be special today, in a smart way, to be serious,  is to chose to be responsible to have awareness, and self honesty with ones living. To see and work with how minds has us in a dead lock position.  To address the programming within self, of energies and imagination within, being it emotions, believes, thoughts, addictions, personalities, behaviors, ingrained patterns, judgment, fears or desires. To see it all and I expose it, document it, chose to delete it with self forgiveness. To know how it came about, to prevent it to come again.

Here is a catch, If I don’t know what is driving me into fear then how can I stop fear ? If I don’t know the details and specifics of fear, how it origins and operates, then how to delete it ? And we know that fear feeds anger and so the spiral of abuse goes. And we see the conflict in the world as a direct result.

I am serious because I in full debt and consideration take measure of my mind, and chose to work through it, with the very best tool of self forgiveness.

 

I use myself and my life and living as example. I puzzle all that I have been, all my parts I dissolve and place back together after deleting the energy (addiction) involved. I am ser – I – us because I make myself un-corrupt in relation to energies/money. I delete all the element that have led me to the reactions, voices in the head, addictions, fears, judgments, ignorance, believes and so on. I take life serious. Still though;  I don’t want to separate myself into a “good person”,  a “Jesus character”, personality construct, no. I just want to share my earnest, sincere, and honest consideration of how I live my life and the experiences such.

Either to blame any type of programing – because that is all it is. Programs. If I blame something or someone that is a signal that I have something to take responsibility for in my living.

 

So again it is to “know thy self”  – meaning to know the physical, to know self from the flesh. To have a certain awareness of oneness energy relationship. To know how mind works, and gradually take charge of oneness mind and then ones living. To change. To be serious. It does not mean to be boring and dull and grey… no then we have missed the point. And besides that is a assumption and a judgment of others or self. To be serious it to learn self as all the self is, and to become responsible with ones process and living. To know the minds yoga and to learn how systems of mind works. To dissolve the mind systems before it manifests. To take a stand for change. Real honest and genuine. And fail me not: being serious, can be done in a clownish way. That is serious. I chose to be serious, I chose to stand up !

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

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Day 781 – Dragging along old mind junk – mind recycled

Dragging along old mind junk – mind recycled

Who am I as a creator ? What do I truly create ?

Something that I was recently made aware of, and that I in self honesty also knew of, is how I drag with me old mind junk, and mind data from the past that I would like to say that is gone and that I am done with – that is still here. Some of the old dominating systems of my mind. Things like “self judgment” and “fear” – systems. These two buggers in particular.  Some of the very dominant system that we as humans carry. These systems, have very deep seated roots on the humans experience. And people walk through life without properly dealing with it. This has effect on life as we know it on earth today  – as well as for the afterlife and infinite existence of humans. Now, I have tools to work through this, I know how to heal and how to work through this and … literally I know how to change. It is only myself who is responsible for not changing. I have self forgiveness, self honesty, living words, breathe, etc, and I should know how to balance this by now. There is no excuse for me to not change.

 

Still my mind programming is heavy. And in this interview of Annuaki he explains how this responsibility is mostly missed by humans, that we are not creating for real – we drag with us old systems, still.

So these two systems, self judgment and fear, are poking me like crazy. And they should – because I should not need to be mind slave within such a equation. Thing is that I see that my consciousness is recycling itself like it did before. Making old problems new again, “making suffering great again”…lol…within mind,  making fear into anger, and self judgment into blame and so on. So I must stop it and alter – create a better reality.

 

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self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag on specifically fear and self judgment, where I think to myself that some of the things I have done is unforgivable to myself as a being, and that I would think in my mind that me in my afterlife/reflection would not be forgiven, by my beingness,  for some of my deeds/thoughts on this earth, missing the picture of how I let my conscious mind dictate me into thinking “I am not good enough” – “I am not forgiven enough”, “I can’t do this” and ending up in fear and in self judgment – mind systems recycled.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a moral obligation to drag with me fear and self judgment thinking everyone does this and so should I, not seeing or reflecting on how the word “moral” in this world,  protects the very abusers (religion, war, government etc), and within so I am not better than anyone else, for dragging with me fear and self-judgment like emotions that I am eager to give away, and look into my beingness/awareness, and how I need to dump & delete these emotions once and for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine, the thought that  I can make a drawing and a picture or some arts about me leaving “my old emotions”, and systems behind and not fully seeing, how drawing and arts it could assist me in quantifying my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it fascinating and yet disturbing to see how I find it very hard to dump of me, these systems (fears, self judgments) and at the same time how eager mind is to pick it up and  recycle it into my living/suffering.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to give my mind direction, and a “occupation”.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had not been able to see or fully realize and comprehend, that as long as I drag with me the constructs/concept of fear and self judgment, my mind will know so, detect so,  l and it will make a big thing/addiction/suffering/recycleling out of it – since both fear and self judgment  are mind based systems.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the desire to see into my fears and my self judgment, like  a desire to see it diminish and disappear,  like to kiss it good bye for good where I would indulge in memories and my mind would catch up with me and “boom”… the mind systems are recycled.

 

When and as I see myself going into re – inventing fear and self judgment, I stop myself, I take a deep breath, and I slow the fuck down.  I have come to realize that I must know my fears and my self judgments – and from there “weed them out” from a distance. To see them, within self, to alter within self and change as self so that awareness/focus/reality is something else, and not fear, and self judgment. I realize that I have all the tools I need to get through this, I must simply slow down and find myself stable and ready to create best for all/best for  me solutions.

 

I commit myself to be with my tools, and my support to give myself chores and creative tasks. I commit myself to stay busy, creative but slow and commonsensical.

 

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These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 762 – I am GATVOL of fear

I decide today that : I am GATVOL of fear

“Gatvol” I learn is africaan and it means “no more”

I decide to not allow myself going into fear. Instead I become here with myself, looking within myself, sensing and being aware of myself, within of my body, in self honesty.

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Fear makes us angry – let’s NOT be angry !

Fear and anger is the opposite of solution.

 

Here is two awesome links to investigate:

https://eqafe.com/p/why-is-the-world-becoming-angrier-heart-of-matter

https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-fear

 

Instead for feeding my mind with energies and reactions, “what if” – kind of thinking and paranoia.

I say till here no further. GATVOL with fear. Fear is a imagination – it is a lie.

I have been corrupting myself enough with “what if thoughts”, fear and imaginations of mind.

Instead I will be here with myself supporting myself and living self honest. And I will secure it with living words. Living words like; intimacy, support, genuine, honesty, guide, deep, gentle, stable, calm etc.

 

So… if I face situations that can seen stressful or reactive. I stop, and I breathe… perhaps I close my eyes for a second. I move within to self support. I embrace the situation and live and act in self honesty.

 

If everyone could do this and drop the fear… THAT is real change…

wooooow… what a potential !

Are you ready for this kind of world change ?

 

Let’s join teams !

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

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Day 759 – fearing suicide

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Disclaimer : we at desteni are not doctors or health care personel – we are ordinary people figuring out, practical, best for all solutions in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fearing not living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for fearing suicide, like I fail at life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for having lost so many friends to suicide and/over mental issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  feel shame for not knowing myself good enough to see this pattern of fearing suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than giving into this fear, this programming of accepting suicide, I should rather open up and communicate and talk to people, to have courage and to be brave and talk without bias.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live like a personality/polarity construct of wanting to honor life, and to give my best and in the other end fearing to not be able to live – to chose the death part, like with the extreme of suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and discomfort for alarming and confusing others by saying/admitting that I have issues with suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to limit my world and opportunities by admitting and saying to the world that I have issues with suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discomfort with talking even to myself, alone, about suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in energies and drive to something I don’t quite know what is.

 

 

I realize that I should rather be with myself comfort myself do things to support my body/self love.

I commit myself to be more open and communicative – to dare live.

I commit myself to express and share more my insides.

 

 

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 751 – learning to let it be

Conflict  – learn to let it be

conflict

 

 

 

I just experienced  a deep rooted conflict with another villager here where I live. This person is often acting out in possessions (psychosis) over small thing and has a hard time with facing new things and new routines. There was just now a big commotion in the kitchen, where I was pushing her buttons and trying to force through what was common sense, but what was not cool, with this other villager.

She went into possession and I went numb, scared and confused. But I kept of pushing  for common sense while I should have just let it be, and found something else to do. This is a returning pattern with me how I keep pushing common sense/my solutions on to XX – who does not like new things.

I am reminded by how I acted with my younger sisters (20 – 30 years ago) where I would  bully them and tease then until they reacted, and then I would give them a beating.  It makes me cry how hard I seam, and how I simply can’t find it within me to let things be.

My solutions are obviously too much for this person to handle so I should just let it be. But I don’t like to isolate her or me from anything, so it is a delicate task. I get so dragged into her energies/psychosis  that I lose control of myself within it.

The funny thing is that it escalated from nothing at all, all of a sudden there is a volcano in the kitchen. And I can’t help myself by being dragged into it and reacting with it.

If I can learn and practice to let things be and not bother with more to the fire, then I am taking a step to stabilize my world and my living, it all has an effect. It is a start to me to learn and evolve within a more peaceful living.

 

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the buttons of XX so that she would burst into a full possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being dragged into the energies/psychosis/personalities of XX and how I could not avoid trying to push common sense  and my solution onto XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my way is the right way when that is obviously is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel suspicious and uncertain about XX, fearing that one day she will snap, and stab me with a knife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel totally handicapped and lost when It comes to dealing with XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in backchats about XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what XX could do to me if I was unaware.

 

I commit to bring all this back to myself and within so face my own creation.

I commit myself to more let XX be and not bother her at all.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog !

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 750 – My personality of uncertainty and doubt

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painting by me

 

My personality of uncertainty and doubt.

 

Lately I have been facing, gradually more and more a certain personality of mine. It comes from back in time, where I was asked to investigate the word “uncertain”. Later I left this task and sort of “stacked it away” apparently nowhere.  Today some months later, the character appears again in my mind, it is returning to me from how I had projected it away from me. It is based on ego, and just a “feel good”, on the positive pole, – like don’t worry, but a rather deep sense of insecurity and doubt /paranoia  on the other, negative pole. I would have to feel certain and 110 % sure/secure about anything. I would need to double check everything to be soooo sure about appointments and agreements. It was like paranoia.

 

A full blown personality of polarity !

This personality would act out very hidden, or unseen. Like hiding from chores and tasks. I would avoid communication, and arrangements out of fear of feeling uncertain. Trying to hide from conflict, often by suppressing and making the polarity more potent in both poles equally (basic math)

 

I would notice this personality some time back, but looking at it / noticing it, I would not know what to call it. I would feel uncertain and in doubt about what to call it. lol I did not see until later that the uncertainty and doubt I felt in relations to what to make of it, was it!  It was staring me in the face.

It was so obvious, I could not see it – so I ended up projecting/blaming it on others.

 

I also notice a blame system within here, where I had this particular polarity/personality projected at another person. I could not recognize the personality/uncertainty  as mine, (I felt uncertain about it lol), or as something I had done, so I would judge it and project it elsewhere. I had for a long time projected this character of uncertain onto XX. This is where it is soooooo valuable to bring everything that we/I experience (like projections) back to self. Whatever I see and experience in my world and living, is my responsibility. Whatever thoughts, mind, projections, blame whatever I might bring up, is my responsibility to deal with.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of polarity and live by its design and programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being stuck with a personality construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this uncertainty and this doubt within myself, over time and question everything that I do with suspicion and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become suspicious at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so filled with doubt and uncertainty that I would call it every-day paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so uncertain about any situation, big or small,  that I would literally be very paranoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this polarity/personality onto XX for no other reason than seeing him as weak and little and then placing this with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project fault at the “little man”/ weak person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to myself on why I should be allowed to make that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress within the fact that I projected this at him (XX), and I after this, refuse to take responsibility for projecting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry and sad for discovering  that I was projecting this polarity construct on to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not in control of myself since I was suppressing and denying so badly the fact that this personality of uncertain was mine and not one of XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and “thrive” in the positive energies/ego part of the pole, personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only sometime see that consequences would smack me out of negative pole, basic math of polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the negative consequences and to try to project these also onto others.

 

 

 

Self corrections:

I commit myself to bring things back to myself, to a further and more deep going degree.

I commit myself to live self forgiveness in my breathing/body.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my shit.

I commit myself to use my breathe (and close my eyes) to find stability and calm (self honesty) within to be able to trust myself and to feel certain and stable of what I am doing.

 

Realizations/insight:

– This personality of uncertainty and doubt really started long time ago, and has its roots in paranoia.

– I would fear the paranoia part of it so bad that I would push it away / project it away from me onto XX, who was innocent within this.

– I would suppress and deny being the origin of the polarity, though I see now in clarity that this was my responsibility. I could not see it because it was so obvious.

– I take responsibility for this personality and the projection within so.

– I learn from this how badly I fear thoughts/paranoia.

–  Also I learn how easy it was for me to project this, like subtle blame.

–  I realize how important it is to bring all things back to self.

 

If you seek information and assistance on doubt/uncertainty/anything check out eqafe  – use the search bar for typing in what you seek.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog !

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/