painting by me
My personality of uncertainty and doubt.
Lately I have been facing, gradually more and more a certain personality of mine. It comes from back in time, where I was asked to investigate the word “uncertain”. Later I left this task and sort of “stacked it away” apparently nowhere. Today some months later, the character appears again in my mind, it is returning to me from how I had projected it away from me. It is based on ego, and just a “feel good”, on the positive pole, – like don’t worry, but a rather deep sense of insecurity and doubt /paranoia on the other, negative pole. I would have to feel certain and 110 % sure/secure about anything. I would need to double check everything to be soooo sure about appointments and agreements. It was like paranoia.
A full blown personality of polarity !
This personality would act out very hidden, or unseen. Like hiding from chores and tasks. I would avoid communication, and arrangements out of fear of feeling uncertain. Trying to hide from conflict, often by suppressing and making the polarity more potent in both poles equally (basic math)
I would notice this personality some time back, but looking at it / noticing it, I would not know what to call it. I would feel uncertain and in doubt about what to call it. lol I did not see until later that the uncertainty and doubt I felt in relations to what to make of it, was it! It was staring me in the face.
It was so obvious, I could not see it – so I ended up projecting/blaming it on others.
I also notice a blame system within here, where I had this particular polarity/personality projected at another person. I could not recognize the personality/uncertainty as mine, (I felt uncertain about it lol), or as something I had done, so I would judge it and project it elsewhere. I had for a long time projected this character of uncertain onto XX. This is where it is soooooo valuable to bring everything that we/I experience (like projections) back to self. Whatever I see and experience in my world and living, is my responsibility. Whatever thoughts, mind, projections, blame whatever I might bring up, is my responsibility to deal with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of polarity and live by its design and programming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being stuck with a personality construct.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this uncertainty and this doubt within myself, over time and question everything that I do with suspicion and fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become suspicious at myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so filled with doubt and uncertainty that I would call it every-day paranoia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so uncertain about any situation, big or small, that I would literally be very paranoid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this polarity/personality onto XX for no other reason than seeing him as weak and little and then placing this with him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project fault at the “little man”/ weak person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to myself on why I should be allowed to make that projection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress within the fact that I projected this at him (XX), and I after this, refuse to take responsibility for projecting it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry and sad for discovering that I was projecting this polarity construct on to XX.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not in control of myself since I was suppressing and denying so badly the fact that this personality of uncertain was mine and not one of XX.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and “thrive” in the positive energies/ego part of the pole, personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only sometime see that consequences would smack me out of negative pole, basic math of polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the negative consequences and to try to project these also onto others.
I commit myself to bring things back to myself, to a further and more deep going degree.
I commit myself to live self forgiveness in my breathing/body.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my shit.
I commit myself to use my breathe (and close my eyes) to find stability and calm (self honesty) within to be able to trust myself and to feel certain and stable of what I am doing.
– This personality of uncertainty and doubt really started long time ago, and has its roots in paranoia.
– I would fear the paranoia part of it so bad that I would push it away / project it away from me onto XX, who was innocent within this.
– I would suppress and deny being the origin of the polarity, though I see now in clarity that this was my responsibility. I could not see it because it was so obvious.
– I take responsibility for this personality and the projection within so.
– I learn from this how badly I fear thoughts/paranoia.
– Also I learn how easy it was for me to project this, like subtle blame.
– I realize how important it is to bring all things back to self.
If you seek information and assistance on doubt/uncertainty/anything check out eqafe – use the search bar for typing in what you seek.
Thank you for reading my blog !