Tag Archives: self corrections

Day 787 – Vivacious – for what is best for all

Vivacious – for what is best for all

 

vivascious tormod.png

 

I was made aware of this word, vivacious, starting within a numbness in my left thigh. Actually my thigh felt totally dead and “rotten”. And I contacted and asked for support from the Quantum Change Kinesiology, (QCK) team, and I was shortly after give details of matter – to what was metaphysically taking place in my thigh – and beyond – of my mind. Human memory is most often stored in the general body.

This word, vivacious, or crispness, lively, spirited, I have been living within a personality as a coping mechanism,  to suppress a negative point within.  I have been using this personality also without direction, noncommittal. This have been a balancing point within me to suppress a emotional point of sub-conscious character. So I have been living this vivacious and crispness/lively/spirited manner, to suppress a negative point within.

So I would like to dissolve the negative point through self forgiveness, and exposure,  and also to pick apart the positive vivacious, personality – and rather live that word vivacious for real, without the personality, suppression, and with a proper direction and commitment. To extract this word and “neutralize” it, delete the polarity and components,  from myself, and then use vivacious, as a redefined word to my everyday living.

 

So what I want to do is to take the ball in my own hands and score a 3 pointer, and end the game totally lol. So I have already forgiven and I am working on the negative point that I would like to suppress. The details from the QCK session are many and deep. Point is for me to see through this vivacious character because it is based on believes. I give myself permission to live this character of vivaciousness, from  some specific believes that I have been carrying with me. Positive believe structures of mind.   Like: I believe I can chose to be happy without any reason, or  I believe my inner child, or I believe I am loved etc. I have this personality of vivacious (crispness, lively, spirited) arranged from believes. So understand: I have been living this vivacious character to hide and suppress a negative point within myself. I need to deconstruct the polarized character, work on my suppression point,  and live the word: vivacious in itself as it is.

So what does it mean for me to be vivacious without the personality/polarity ? It means to be a bit silly, clownish and lively. And it would mean to take direction to a common good, to dare to break the ingrained pattern, to see best for all solutions taking place in the moment. To express. To be that catalyst of change to bring solution to the matter. Like if I standing with my dishes together with the people who I share house with, and the situation is a bit low or out of touch,  I can suddenly start to sing or make a joke, to actively share some of my solutions being vivacious, and silly/lively/creative. So that is what I can do In such a moment. To dare to be a bit silly.

 

We all could need to be more silly in a creative, and supportive way, we all enjoy being silly ! In times like today we could all enjoy to be more silly or like a clown. So this is my point that I would like to evoke within me, to express and live this word: vivacious – for what is best for all in any situation.

Rebeccas son

art by William Karlen

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up believes and ideas within to access a positive, vivacious personality, making it difficult/impossible to access this word without taking on the believes and the personality in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is difficult or impossible to live this word, vivacious, without adding some believes to it, like making it a recipe of programming that I have to follow – a programming without direction, commitment or standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in such moments of creativity and daring to be silly/clown, I would let the small things, the doubt or nervousness win me over – and limit me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up this personality to cover over and hide/suppress a emotional/negative point within and to use this vivacious/crispy personality to cover for my negative point within my sub-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality based on believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the need to suppress anything emotional within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look into my subconscious.

 

 

When and as I see myself wanting to live this word vivacious, I stop myself I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I must dare to be brave and have courage to express myself and to dare to be silly, in such moments. I realize that it is my responsibility to create the best solution in any given moment.

 

I commit myself to live vivacious and “spirited” – clownish, more often, by slowing down, breathing, being self honest, and just do it !

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 781 – Dragging along old mind junk – mind recycled

Dragging along old mind junk – mind recycled

Who am I as a creator ? What do I truly create ?

Something that I was recently made aware of, and that I in self honesty also knew of, is how I drag with me old mind junk, and mind data from the past that I would like to say that is gone and that I am done with – that is still here. Some of the old dominating systems of my mind. Things like “self judgment” and “fear” – systems. These two buggers in particular.  Some of the very dominant system that we as humans carry. These systems, have very deep seated roots on the humans experience. And people walk through life without properly dealing with it. This has effect on life as we know it on earth today  – as well as for the afterlife and infinite existence of humans. Now, I have tools to work through this, I know how to heal and how to work through this and … literally I know how to change. It is only myself who is responsible for not changing. I have self forgiveness, self honesty, living words, breathe, etc, and I should know how to balance this by now. There is no excuse for me to not change.

 

Still my mind programming is heavy. And in this interview of Annuaki he explains how this responsibility is mostly missed by humans, that we are not creating for real – we drag with us old systems, still.

So these two systems, self judgment and fear, are poking me like crazy. And they should – because I should not need to be mind slave within such a equation. Thing is that I see that my consciousness is recycling itself like it did before. Making old problems new again, “making suffering great again”…lol…within mind,  making fear into anger, and self judgment into blame and so on. So I must stop it and alter – create a better reality.

 

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self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag on specifically fear and self judgment, where I think to myself that some of the things I have done is unforgivable to myself as a being, and that I would think in my mind that me in my afterlife/reflection would not be forgiven, by my beingness,  for some of my deeds/thoughts on this earth, missing the picture of how I let my conscious mind dictate me into thinking “I am not good enough” – “I am not forgiven enough”, “I can’t do this” and ending up in fear and in self judgment – mind systems recycled.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a moral obligation to drag with me fear and self judgment thinking everyone does this and so should I, not seeing or reflecting on how the word “moral” in this world,  protects the very abusers (religion, war, government etc), and within so I am not better than anyone else, for dragging with me fear and self-judgment like emotions that I am eager to give away, and look into my beingness/awareness, and how I need to dump & delete these emotions once and for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine, the thought that  I can make a drawing and a picture or some arts about me leaving “my old emotions”, and systems behind and not fully seeing, how drawing and arts it could assist me in quantifying my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it fascinating and yet disturbing to see how I find it very hard to dump of me, these systems (fears, self judgments) and at the same time how eager mind is to pick it up and  recycle it into my living/suffering.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to give my mind direction, and a “occupation”.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had not been able to see or fully realize and comprehend, that as long as I drag with me the constructs/concept of fear and self judgment, my mind will know so, detect so,  l and it will make a big thing/addiction/suffering/recycleling out of it – since both fear and self judgment  are mind based systems.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the desire to see into my fears and my self judgment, like  a desire to see it diminish and disappear,  like to kiss it good bye for good where I would indulge in memories and my mind would catch up with me and “boom”… the mind systems are recycled.

 

When and as I see myself going into re – inventing fear and self judgment, I stop myself, I take a deep breath, and I slow the fuck down.  I have come to realize that I must know my fears and my self judgments – and from there “weed them out” from a distance. To see them, within self, to alter within self and change as self so that awareness/focus/reality is something else, and not fear, and self judgment. I realize that I have all the tools I need to get through this, I must simply slow down and find myself stable and ready to create best for all/best for  me solutions.

 

I commit myself to be with my tools, and my support to give myself chores and creative tasks. I commit myself to stay busy, creative but slow and commonsensical.

 

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These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 758 – Desire to be admired

I have been made aware of a desire within that have been creating conflict within me lately. I have a desire to be admired and to have status. But I have not given myself the chance to live this in real time.

So how does this play out ? For instance I have been suppressing and making “bad” my genuine expression. You might say sexual expression.  I fear to be 100% me without bias and judgment from within. So when it comes to sex, it is all about slowing down lol.. So that is also my clue. To slow down and be myself and not judge myself or go into thinking that my expression is wrong or un-cool in any way. Thinking that sex and expression is what media serves us of characters. Whoever it might be this week. It is porn and fame it is not my thing. Failing to realize that hey  (!) just that observation there of how we are programmed to think lesser of our self and our bodies because of cultural programming – which is a crying shame. And just that shame point I have take on. Judging myself and my expression as wrong or bad. Not seeing that this is hard core programming and design, of thoughts, mind and relationships () – hardwired of mind design.

I would for instance  feel a urge to dance more. To be more present when I move. To have grace. I need to be more with myself when I move my body.  And I could also “need” to let go of many needs lol. And let this come more naturally like my expression from within, and not force it out…

I have then a desire to be admired. If I need to be admired then admiring will come to me. So I need to live like there is no separation from this word admire. If I have a energetic relationship to this word “admire” – then those energies is causing stress within me. Like tripping wires. I sure hope you can see this. I need to live this word like any other word that I can embody. It must come naturally and not by me pushing and stressing about it.

 

tormodkjolestavanger

self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and almost addict to a imagination and idea of being admired, where within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this desire and then become totally embarrassed and scared, thinking (backchats within mind) “This is not me”, “I am not Hollywood”, “I am a loon and a clown”  – literally creating my own believe (be-lie-ve) within nasty backchats in my head, and suppress and reject the desired idea,  and create conflict with my wanting to be admired and to have status.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself pile up a lot of suppression and denial within and then dive into this soup of emotions and lose myself within it going pretty deep into depression within so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of give into the nasty backchats in my mind and loose myself into emotions and believes of how my life should be, according to pre-programming, I must rather support myself and being with myself, give myself time to breathe,  in a common sense manner, to treat myself good and to embrace myself 100 %.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of going into stress and fear and make my pro – blames even bigger, I must make arrangements within, of commonsense, and to slow down my tempo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated to mention my sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for my sexual expression.

 

self corrections:

When and as I see myself  going into denial or suppression of my desire and want to be admired and to have status, I stop myself, I breathe, and I level with what is here. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being admired and to have status. If I can deliver what is best for all it is rather cool and a nice thing. This world obviously needs good leaders. I realize that I have lived a glam and fame/fashion kind of idea of being admired. I realize that I have a pre – programmed idea of being admired.

I commit myself to de school and delete my pre-existing definitions of being admired and to have status. I commit myself to redefine being admired.

 

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 750 – My personality of uncertainty and doubt

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painting by me

 

My personality of uncertainty and doubt.

 

Lately I have been facing, gradually more and more a certain personality of mine. It comes from back in time, where I was asked to investigate the word “uncertain”. Later I left this task and sort of “stacked it away” apparently nowhere.  Today some months later, the character appears again in my mind, it is returning to me from how I had projected it away from me. It is based on ego, and just a “feel good”, on the positive pole, – like don’t worry, but a rather deep sense of insecurity and doubt /paranoia  on the other, negative pole. I would have to feel certain and 110 % sure/secure about anything. I would need to double check everything to be soooo sure about appointments and agreements. It was like paranoia.

 

A full blown personality of polarity !

This personality would act out very hidden, or unseen. Like hiding from chores and tasks. I would avoid communication, and arrangements out of fear of feeling uncertain. Trying to hide from conflict, often by suppressing and making the polarity more potent in both poles equally (basic math)

 

I would notice this personality some time back, but looking at it / noticing it, I would not know what to call it. I would feel uncertain and in doubt about what to call it. lol I did not see until later that the uncertainty and doubt I felt in relations to what to make of it, was it!  It was staring me in the face.

It was so obvious, I could not see it – so I ended up projecting/blaming it on others.

 

I also notice a blame system within here, where I had this particular polarity/personality projected at another person. I could not recognize the personality/uncertainty  as mine, (I felt uncertain about it lol), or as something I had done, so I would judge it and project it elsewhere. I had for a long time projected this character of uncertain onto XX. This is where it is soooooo valuable to bring everything that we/I experience (like projections) back to self. Whatever I see and experience in my world and living, is my responsibility. Whatever thoughts, mind, projections, blame whatever I might bring up, is my responsibility to deal with.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of polarity and live by its design and programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being stuck with a personality construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this uncertainty and this doubt within myself, over time and question everything that I do with suspicion and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become suspicious at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so filled with doubt and uncertainty that I would call it every-day paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so uncertain about any situation, big or small,  that I would literally be very paranoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this polarity/personality onto XX for no other reason than seeing him as weak and little and then placing this with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project fault at the “little man”/ weak person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to myself on why I should be allowed to make that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress within the fact that I projected this at him (XX), and I after this, refuse to take responsibility for projecting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry and sad for discovering  that I was projecting this polarity construct on to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not in control of myself since I was suppressing and denying so badly the fact that this personality of uncertain was mine and not one of XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and “thrive” in the positive energies/ego part of the pole, personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only sometime see that consequences would smack me out of negative pole, basic math of polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the negative consequences and to try to project these also onto others.

 

 

 

Self corrections:

I commit myself to bring things back to myself, to a further and more deep going degree.

I commit myself to live self forgiveness in my breathing/body.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my shit.

I commit myself to use my breathe (and close my eyes) to find stability and calm (self honesty) within to be able to trust myself and to feel certain and stable of what I am doing.

 

Realizations/insight:

– This personality of uncertainty and doubt really started long time ago, and has its roots in paranoia.

– I would fear the paranoia part of it so bad that I would push it away / project it away from me onto XX, who was innocent within this.

– I would suppress and deny being the origin of the polarity, though I see now in clarity that this was my responsibility. I could not see it because it was so obvious.

– I take responsibility for this personality and the projection within so.

– I learn from this how badly I fear thoughts/paranoia.

–  Also I learn how easy it was for me to project this, like subtle blame.

–  I realize how important it is to bring all things back to self.

 

If you seek information and assistance on doubt/uncertainty/anything check out eqafe  – use the search bar for typing in what you seek.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog !

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 666 – understanding god – self corrections

This is a continuation of the post: Day 664 and Day 665

Here I am writing self corrections to myself from previous post, enjoy:

When and as I see myself taking on this word; “dumb” or “stupid” or “weird” “idiot”- I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I am not dumb, stupid or particular weird. I realize that I have been living this program within backchats for a loooong time. I realize that this pattern is deep rooted within my mind and my emotional feeling body. I realize I am not dumb. I realize words like “dumb”, “stupid”, “idiot” etc is like words of a bully and mockery. I realize that I have been bullied quite bad when growing up, but that is of my past, and I have to equalize this relationship.

I commit myself to open up my past of energies and psychology, and to work on myself to forgive all my tripping wires from within.

I commit myself to let go of these words, as they serve no good. I commit myself to delete that backchat and to change myself in relation to my backchats.

I commit myself to delete and trash all these types of brainwashing, and be-lie-ve systems to call it out when I see it and to stand through it al.

I commit myself to let go of blame and judgment of parents from this programming.

I commit myself to have a certain, and clear and confident relationship to these words: Stupid, dumb, idiot, and weird – where I see they are words of bullying and mockery, not of support.

 

When and as I see myself ending up in a tradition or any form of religious setting, where “god” is mentioned or worshipped where I am asked to participate, I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I can moderate my participation and sort of direct my activity of so, and to leave out the words, or don’t sing etc, whatever suits me that is common sense. I realize that I very often feel a split within as of taking part in religious traditions. I realize that I should self find a solution to stand with and as.

I commit myself to find best for all solutions. I commit myself to practice common sense with these events/traditions.

 

girl face

 

Day 659 – Childhood schizophrenia

First I give you this disclaimer. I am not a doctor. If you are experiencing or dealing with schizophrenia, please talk to a doctor, as it is a serious illness.

 

I wanted to write a blog, but I don’t know exactly what to write about. I would like to share my experience of growing up and growing into my schizophrenia.

I can recommend this video of childhood schizophrenia

 

 

I was born summer of 1978, I grew up living with both my parents, my 3 years older sister and later my two younger sisters, in rural Norway. We had a dog and we have 2 sheep’s, and sometimes we had cats. We had animals like a hobby. My parents where both loving caring ordinary people with work in public sector. On surface my life was ok. But within, my mind was eating me up. I was more and more suffering from emotions and issues.

 

I would feel very physical, how my mind, and my mind conscious system was haunting me, swallowing me, when I was a young boy 5, 6, and 7. You see, the schizophrenic mind is rigged differently than other people’s minds. Particular with some hooks, to attract emotions. Some hooks are places on the mind that force me attached to emotions. I would live my life being 6 years old and literally see my mind and these hooks creep up on me. It was a nightmare. Dreadful hooks forcing me to attach to the emotional parts of myself and my world. Growing into schizophrenia.

I clearly remember playing outside my old home, and I would start having these horrible, fearful thoughts, and pictures in my mind. This was my schizophrenia catching up with me and driving me into suffering.

Today I have cleared of most of these hooks from my mind. They are no longer a big problem to me. There are somethings that make me different to others, like my sleeping and my need for medication, but I now have a way much better life. Thanks to self forgiveness and self correction, self responsibility, self honesty, a team of support, doctors support, nurse support, parent and family support, and own efforts. Tools from desteni.

If you genuinely care about schizophrenia, check out this interview.

 

My life today is about figuring out how my life can be as good as possible. Figuring out how to support myself and figuring out how my life can be as healthy and sane as possible.

But important to understand my childhood and adolescent years was dreadful when I compare myself to others and when I am really honest about my past and my mind. My life was not a happy life. And that is important to understand with schizophrenia that yes it is over – weight of emotions, voices, stress, thoughts, issues, friction, conflict etc.

 

My life today, having walked almost 4 years in process walking every day from consciousness to awareness and, from archaic to holistic thinking. My life have changed soooo much and I have reduced my schizophrenia to a bare minimum of what I practically and physically can.

 

Walking my desteni i process have proved to be the best decision I have ever made. I limit my schizophrenia and focus on living my life to its fullest potential.

If you have any questions or comments,  please leave me a comment or contact me. I would be glad to assist. The links in this post is of high value.

 
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to let my schizophrenia take me over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be directed by schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be sick because I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my mind is sooo much more different and special since I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am one of a kind and special since I have a mental illness, and for thinking that I need special therapy and help because I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my schizophrenia more room that what it needs.

Self corrections:

When and as I see myself giving my schizophrenia power over me, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I should not give my schizophrenia power over me. I realize that I have a responsibility with my schizophrenia and to live in such a way that it is not dominating me. I realize that I should not be that concerned about my schizophrenia, and rather focus on how to support myself the best way to live and heal.

I commit myself to live my life as best as I can with the tools of support that I can give my life.

 

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me with one of my paintings

thanks for reading

 

Day 639 – Judging myself for not painting

goat

 

I started to paint in 2005. Or should I say I started to paint regularly since 2005.

It was me and my mom out driving in the streets of Stavanger and my mom asks me if I did not want to start to paint. Her father was a painter and the idea triggered me with trying to express my many pictures of mind and noisy inside. I started to paint and I had lots of success with it. I have had about 15 exhibits, noting large and famous, but I have made some sales and I was at a point in time very productive. I stared a painting group in a common studio. Last time I painted was several months ago. And I realize a patterns within myself these days. I am judging myself for not painting. I judge myself as all sorts off bad stuff since I do not paint on a regular basis. Because I used to do it, painting did me good, so my mind judges me from having ended it, or not doing it that often, now days. This creates a “film” or a “blurry” – view  making me not see my full potential and myself as a gift.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and lash out on myself for not painting and working with pictures, as much as I did some years back, and for judging this as a fault and a mistake by myself and my living, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the things I do of arts today, like cooking or cleaning or working out, all these things that can be called arts,  that I would judge and suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can’t become a skilled artist of painting, since it have been such a long time since last I painted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear start up with painting again since I have judged my creative living and judging myself form my expression and my living, fearing that I would fail to meet my expectations to painting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize I have been adding self pity onto myself since I judge myself so bad and ending up eating cakes and drinking sugarish drinks to pity myself in my everyday life making my breathe concentration/ awareness harder.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to judge myself for not painting or living out my creativity. I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I can end this self judgment right here and now. Till here no further. I will not judge myself for not painting or living with creativity. I quit self judgment, right here and right now. I realize that self judgment is simply sabotaging and not carrying any goods, and it is preventing me from seeing, myself in honesty the gift I am to myself. I realize that self judgment is making me not see the gift I am to myself. I commit myself to live a creative life and to not limit myself. I commit myself to end self judgment over changes in habit. I commit myself to quit fearing facing myself in self honesty and to see the gift I am to myself. I commit myself to end self judgment and to work on angels and stories of self judgment to set myself free and see myself as a gift.

 

When and as I see myself limiting my creativity, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I must be able to live creative with my life. I realize that I have strong creative senses and I should work on developing them further. I realize that creativity can be a therapy and it can give me gifts in my life for me to share with others. I commit myself to be creative and to not hide or suppress my creative talent. I commit myself to end all self judgment over creative life and living. I commit myself to be solution oriented and to end all self judgment. No more self judgment over not painting, but rather live in present my full potential.