I notice a point within me of paranoia that have been going on for quite some time now, and I want this ghost – out from the closet. It is the fear of paranoia from leaving my home and locking the door – and leaving. Because, when I go out and are about to leave, I go into paranoia from thinking thoughts like: “Did I make sure to turn of the stove”, “Is all my candlelight’s off?” or ” Have I really made sure that my coffee machine is of (??)” and such questions to rumble inside of me and make me uncertain, paranoid, that I have done it properly and secure. It is like obsessive compulsive disorder / thoughts – bothering the heck out of me.
This paranoia can drag me into fear of burning down the hose, being responsible for other peoples death and fear of ending up going to jail and being punished and I would fear to actually leave my home from this paranoia.
A second layer that is playing out is the layer of how I am very comfortable at my home. I feel safe and sound at my home. I am very much domesticating. I have a certain feeling of freedom at my home, like I can walk around nude if I want of I can speak loud self – forgiveness to myself, without bothering anyone … I can be myself, and I would fear to lose this freedom of being at home – doing what I like and I cannot do all this If I am at the supermarket or at a cafe or at a visit at some place. I would fear to lose this freedom.
I have reached a diagnosis for this situation, I call it “domesticating paranoia”. I reach paranoia from not feel like I can be free at home and I go over in this fear that I have left the stove on or I have left my candles on etc.
It is fear and paranoia and it is dragging me down.
Till here no further!
I have even gotten myself insurance for my home now. I also write down on a piece of paper the date, on a check list, like is the stove of (?): check, are the candles blown out (?) check… and so on. There is nothing more I can do, but to walk this self forgiveness, to stop this returning paranoia that grabs me every time I leave my home.
I will not accept it no more. This domesticating paranoia have come to its end. I will work through self forgiveness on the patterns that I see within me and that I can change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into paranoia over leaving my home because I would immediately feel like the home is not inn safety and I go into details on specific fears that my stove is on or the coffee machine is running or anything else that might cause a fire is on at my home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the specific fear that I might cause a fire and be responsible for other people’s lives if there should a fire at my home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel all stuck within this fear and this paranoia that makes me turn after having walked 50 meters from my home, on my way to the gym, and go back and check one more time that my stove is really, really, of, in complete paranoia, when I have already checked my list and I have done all that I can to secure my apartment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to se how my paranoia starts like a crack or like a the breaking point in a cup, or in my crockery, like my head is opening up, or like I am going into mind and creating a mess out of myself in complete confusion and distress within me where I see that I have been going round and round in loops over this paranoia and this “crack in the cup” that is making my life hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would need to find another type of mechanism or another type of helping system, to make sure that I am not setting fire to my home, and I realize that I will rather have to perfect my already existing helping check list and I will have to make this list work perfect and stop the fear from coming up within me, that would be making me fearing and going into paranoia out of pre programmed reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would see pictures from news where people’s homes are burned down and houses on fire where I would fear my own apartment being to be set on fire and I would lose all my things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be responsible for a fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to jail for being responsible for starting a fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and paranoia at the moment I go out my front door because it is a new dimension to me, from insider to outside I dimension, and this shift, is making me go into fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change dimensions because I would think it shakes me up to much and I would like to be in one dimension at the time and to take my time with going from one dimension to another because I would fear the stress involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to leave my home because I would fear to lose my freedom from being away from home, I would fear to not be able to say self forgiveness and I would fear to end up in reactions and I would fear to be alienated away from my home.
I commit myself to practice saying self forgiveness within me if I need to and if I am away from my home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to leave my home as I would think that “oh no I am not safe no longer”.
When and as I see myself preparing to leave my home, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I can use my checklist, to fill out how I can make sure my apartment is safe. I realize that I can do modification to where I keep this list. I realize that when I have checked this list that is my final word/action. I realize that when I have filled out this list I cannot do more to secure my apartment. I commit myself to check all instrument and situations and then filling out my list. I commit myself to perfect my check list with the details that I need to make sure there is no friction involved with the list and to stop the paranoia.
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