Tag Archives: pain

Day 752 – self judgment

 

 

self goat

painting by me

 

 

Self judgment:

I notice today that I live in self judgment. This is noticeable by me mostly from seeing the core design of the self judgment.  I have been able to take a step back and see where does it come from ? And funny enough (this time) it comes from TV and movies, documentaries and fiction.

I have seen so many movies and series/drama about court rulings and layers life. I have made a very energetic picture/drama of the lawyers and the judges, and the happening within so.

I would think of a court as a game. A game to win or lose, and from history the game is rigged against me. Because the court is the rich – system – powers play ground. It is there together with for instance doctors to make the gap, wider between classes in society.

So I have been projecting this onto others, how I “dislike” lawyers (and doctors) and I have been living in that self judgment myself where I am the judge, lawyer, police man, victim and criminal. It is like a circus of role play to me. Very common to my schizophrenic mind. This all strikes back at me and causes pain and disturbance within me. I see now that I live this self judgment and I need to come to a acceptance and embracing of me. And let go of the energetic looping/judging of mind.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of positive pole, popular rich lawyer, and winning in court; and negative pole;  looser criminal and being sentenced in court.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my issues of law and the court/lawyer life onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will not be a celebrity or a star simply a looser clown from the polarity of LA – LAW series I relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as the loosing/sad clown and that I am lost as of present since courts still have a say in this world (today).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I suck at being a clown, but it is still a mask to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices of the sad clown in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of taking law serious or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself in my clown – circus of court/law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the TV series LA-LAW where I live and act like a playboy from California in the 80’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the phrases from TV drama and documentaries in my head over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed with judgments that I  have a energetic party within the room of court and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know enough about law to outsmart a judge, and to play the court for a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling on to different  theories about law and justice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deep down fear judges and lawyers and to think that they as a group don’t serve life, and they are abuse within the system and should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that deep down the court system is a scam and a mind trickery, and it just tricked me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by the law system of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself serious when I say that courts and lawyers of today are by structure, definition and design not supporting life – they should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind – fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack the law/court system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can distance myself from self judgments, failing to realize that I then  distance myself from me/my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see nothing but judgments and to live in this sentence of “I sentence you to” or other similar words from TV/movies court rooms drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck and fucked by the design of self judgment and within this addicting to it and feeling like I can let it go it is on me like a magnet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my self – judgments with my eyes/seeing and my own moral of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the self judgment like my pair of glasses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to live with myself judgment failing to see the solution to accept myself and to embrace and value my self – instead of judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fucked by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel raped by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply abused by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel corrupted by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like shit from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like puking and “giving up” from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that law is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the law that we see today (protecting greed/ego) is doomed.

 

 

Self corrections to be lived:

I commit myself to accept myself and to investigate myself and my mind and sort out all my shit.

I commit myself to expose the old system / self /mind /law and to remove it all breathe by breathe, step by step, and create a new system that is a system that is best for all.

I commit myself to embrace myself – no matter what.

 

Realizing / clarity:

  • I need acceptance of me to be able to see into me and this grants me access/accept into my mind/body/world/imaginations.
  • self judgement is not real it is fiction and imaginations.
  • courts and such law we see today is not going to last.
  • I have a response – ability to create new systems  to replace the old.
  • To me with my schizophrenia, self judgement is still very real/in my eyes.
  • There is no need to judge – we are all equals.

 

 

Link to another blog on self judgments:

http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/03/day-704-self-acceptance-vs-self.html

 

 

 

other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

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Day 734 – Eye-Twitching

https://eqafe.com/p/eye-twitching-the-body-as-teacher

 

“Pain as Self-Perfection – Part One. What Cause Eye-Twitching? How to identify your own Mental State through/with Eye-Twitching. How Eye-Twitching is related to specific Personalities. Why Eye-Twitching exists. How Eye-Twitching functions. How to walk the process of identifying Personalities through/with Eye-Twitching. These questions and many more are answered within the Eye-Twitching interview series.”

 

full_pain-as-self-perfection-introduction

 

We humans have within our daily lives gone about and suppressed lots. Within the body mind relationship we suppress and often deny the stuff that does not suit into our living and given  preferences.

If some nasty backchat/thought comes up that is scary or not cool or “bad” we would try to brush it away or suppress it within. This is what we are taught from growing up to do. Almost all of us living in this altering world (!)  have lived this way. Good / evil  relationship, and mathematical/mind polarity.

 

I learned from this original eqafe interview to handle ;  eye twitching, and more important what I could learn from it. What energy was behind it all. How could I end my eye twitching and forgive it, let  it go, and move on.

 

I was able to follow the instructions from this interview about eye twitching. And I would see what was the cause of it was and I would forgive myself for my participation as such and leave it behind me like nothingness.

The specific interview on Eye-Twitching was my one assistance to find it within myself to heal, naming the energy within self forgiveness.

You can go to eqafe.com, press your key word on the search bar, and there will most likely be several products for you to choose from, delivered to your ear.

 

Please drop me a comment if you have any questions.

 

enjoy the fantastic  products of:  eqafe.com

Day 701 : Day 8 : Freedom

Day 701 : Day 8 : Freedom

 

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Day 8 of 21 days of walking with self forgiveness

 

I will take on the challenge from my brother : Gian Robberts on walking a 21 day trial of (only/daily) self forgiveness on points. I will walk these points of self forgiveness for self/world change during 21 days.

 

Here is Gain’s Blog :

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.no

21 days of self forgiveness on key points.

The points will be that kind of relevant points as of this world and our living.

Money, sex, politics, work, religion, mind  and so on.

 

Day 8: Freedom

 

Please read loud for best effect

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know what freedom is and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don’t know what freedom is since I have not experienced it yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I lack to define “freedom” to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that freedom is to not have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that extreme sport is a point of freedom in anyway, or that to push oneself over limits can be liberating, but still one is surrounded by mind and psychology non the less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that freedom can be a bad or painful experience as in breaking a leg during play / seeking freedom and hurting self emotionally within exploring social life or challenges and aiming for freedom.

 

more on the dare – devil topic  here

 

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  think that freedom belongs to one specific political idea/side/wing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for freedom within liberating myself from mind, thoughts and energies, and that here lies the greatest challenge to humans as of yet, to conquer self as of being directive principle – self and not be directed and driven by mind/separation and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider self honesty as a  principle of freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider money as a point of where freedom can be applied equality to all humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider some American or else .. politicians to be leaders of freedom – when they are almost all simply actors and projected abusers of self, and that this self is the ultimate key to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear freedom as of fearing the pain within change into more freedom, that is very often a physical painful experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to words to the word: freedom like to worship “the American freedom” – which is a illusion – or “religious freedom” which is a lie – and so on it is yet to discover…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider freedom as a undiscovered beauty to all human beings discovered with the tool of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that freedom is to be nude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other peoples idea of freedom like freedom to carry a gun or to bash and troll/bully others in thoughts, words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that the ultimate bully is self onto self and so the ultimate secret/yet to discover is freedom from mind/thoughts/energies – to have a sense of being free within ones physical/temple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and sorry when I see soldiers or so called rainbow warriors who are fighting “the good cause”, and that are “freedom fighters” – all wrapped in the life of money/control/ego/etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that some people have very, very specific/possessive ideas of freedom and liberty – pointing at the constitution or a law system or a religion, that was put in place with rivers of blood – and so  we see it going on also today creating consequences from what foundation it was established.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk of freedom as I fear to not predict what will be said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel despise of the idea of having lots of money and 5 cars and 3 houses etc… as a image or direction of “having freedom”, when it is all ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine I know something about freedom from looking at the birds or a the bees or the trees.. and thinking that sort of awareness and life style(?) is how life should be for us equally.

Freedom is a incredible and deeply individual issue on many levels. To me it is about gaining freedom/space from psychology and daily drama of mind – and to breathe – free and be physical and not in meta – physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some thinkers and some of the people who is main stream culture and media is more “respected” and “appreciated” than others, where their voice is heard, in the main stream media, and I keep reminding myself that painful truth of how it all is hidden in plain sight and that either Socrates, Jesus or Bernard Poolman was popular with the establishment/system/mainstream, and I sense a gentle relief from not giving in not compromising and simply standing my ground because the “rules of the game” or the metaphysical existence have been changed and altered in favor of life on earth. I life.

 

oneness and equality is freedom & peace for all*

 

DSC_0118 (2)

painting by me

 

Thanks !

 

 

 

 

 

Day 684 -Suicide is not a solution to the problems

girl face

 

I have been going into corrupting myself , the last days/weeks, with thoughts,  that suicide could help me and get over my problems. I think my life is too tough to live so I think of suicide. I look at death as a solution to my problems.  It is like I think that my pain and my bothers would then disappear if I would die. That is not so. I know now from having investigated, and having support from other destonians,  that if I die I take with me all my bothers and all my troubles from this here life to the afterlife, only multiple in matter.

So that relief is not there. When I think that death is a solution and I picture myself as dead, everything is sad and depressive. I picture myself as  dead and everything becomes black and sad. So death is not a relief of oneness problems. Hell no.

Please check out this important video about suicide :

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the fact that I am schizophrenic and within that thinking about suicide as a sort of revenge to end my life to get back at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my problems and issues would simply disappear, with ending my life, when it proves that is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents experience of mind  and how that experience created schizophrenia within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my trouble and issues with  schizophrenia would disappear if I should die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can escape from  myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there exists a quick fix within suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need a quick fix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I miss and long for people that I knew that have died and that I could reunite with them in the afterlife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go back into old addiction patterns of sex addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to start to do drugs or to drink again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to end up giving into energy addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at other people that I imagine has a better life and they look so special and cool etc.. when they live in the same world as me, they shit like me and they live within this world of atrocities; like me, telling me that we are all in this together.

 

When and as I see myself ending up thinking death is a solution or that I will be saved with death etc… I stop myself I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that if I should die I take with me all my bothers still to the afterlife. I realize that I must sort out my shit here where I am at in this life. I realize that I miss lot of people that have died but dying myself will not be a party or a relief as I take with me all my bothers to the afterlife. I realize that death is not a solution as I see that I take with me my issues and bothers.

 

I commit myself to live and to honor life

I commit myself to be of assistance

I commit myself to breathe

I commit myself to be with my physical

I commit myself to self honesty

I commit myself to self forgiveness

 

b r e a t h e  – check out desteni.org

 

here is another blog on the topic :

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-412-suicide-is-never-act-of-self.html

 

Day 665 – understanding god – self forgiveness

This is a continuation from my previous post “Understanding god”

 

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat within my head saying “I am stupid”, “I am dumb”, “I am weird”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having others read my thought out of fear of being bullied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask questions in my childhood, about “god”, existence of so, and religions out of fear because I felt it as a great taboo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask my parents about god and religions and believes, as I was thought that It was a “off the record” – subject and not to be talked about in normal settings and I did not have the vocabulary to even start talking about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself from deep, deep within of this judgment of backchats, and for suppressing it away below within my physical and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel low like not alive from this backchat of “I am stupid” and “I am dumb”, “I am a idiot” or “I am weird” that I  was participating with in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hurt like a “road kill” animal hit by a truck, left crawling in its pity and blood from seeing myself back then being 7, 8 or 9-ish of age living this pattern of backchats/fearing to ask about god, living the pattern today/living the error.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself from this programming and fearing to judge or moralize over my parents and my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let in the thought “where do you want to go, with your life Tormod” ?, “What are your goals”, that I would feel deep within of emotional burden and blame, and I would along with this thought experience this horrible backchat of “I am dumb” and “I am stupid”, “I am a idiot”, “I am weird”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like waking from the dead from picking up this emotional backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my emotions by living this word, “stupid”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face my consequences and my responsible self living this programming of “stupid” and “dumb”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard , damn hard, to even vaguely understand the brainwashing of people simply living the past programming/sins of the fathers and brainwashing/programming of others/children/passing it on, like I was done to in my upbringing and my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bash out and moralize over how people have been living in programming and brainwashing over and over like a fuckings whirlpool – washer machine, going over and over, serving the very same crap/lies over and over again non – stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a “freak” or to feel different and weird, from seeing how I was programmed to fear, hate and disgrace what was seen as “dumb”, “not smart” or “stupid”, like how we are thought to dislike people with down syndrome, add, schizophrenia or any other “things” that occurs within our lives and in society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take responsibility for myself as having lived these words, deep, deep within my past and my physical having suppressed it and lied to myself created believe systems around myself and lying to myself and people around me through these lies of god, not getting it and ending up judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge of moralize of how I was brought up as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this believe system based on how I was fearing to talk of god, and creating a huge emotional pit within myself and living in complete dishonesty and in pain from a very young age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see what is backchats within this as I was living it so very, very compromised and rooted deep within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act shocked and scared over seeing how bad rooted this backchat was and failing to see it before the other day, during a kinesiology session.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to “understand” or firmly be-lie-ve in a God, and for always opposing such issue with my being and physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call out in the debt of my being and body, that “God is dead”, “God have never exited”, “Kill God”, “Kill the Ego”etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how “God” is just a huuuge scam (!) and lie – bases on ego and irresponsible and brainwashed people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I speak with a split – tongue, as I can call out religions as bullshit and at the same time participate in Christian traditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think that calling out the abuse/brainwashing of religious traditions would do more harm than good.

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Day 664 – Understanding god

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I have been living with a emotional reactive pattern from waaay back in my child hood. A backchat within my head, little demon thoughts in my mind, as of present.

From childhood suppressing I live today with specific backchats within my very mind and being. Thoughts/bakchats of blame and guilt, and emotions.

It goes back to being a young boy, and not understanding the concept of “GOD”. I don’t understand the concept of god, being 5,6 years etc… so I start thinking less/inferior about myself. I started this emotional play of being “stupid” and “dumb” to my own awareness. Calling myself a idiot.

This goes into my schooling specifically within the subject of mathematics. I start to do mistakes in school, in math and language. So I see, I drag with me the error of not understanding “god”, into math and language. Doing wrong and spinning in it. Not getting out of it before… 20 – 30 years later; today.

All that pain…

 

I enroll within my characters of being dumb or stupid from school/child programming. I think to myself that I am stupid and dumb/weird/different. And I am terrified at the same time. I am terrified that this should leak out and that people should hear about myself thinking about myself that I am “stupid” or “dumb” from not being able to accept that there is/is not a god. I am shit scared that someone where to know what I tell myself in my thoughts. I tell myself I am dumb and I am stupid in my thinking. This is also at the same time my schizophrenic mind growing on me. And I suppress it all. Deep, deep down within my physical and being. Waaay below. I suppress all this from not being able to live with the fact that I can’t understand or grasp the concept of god.  I see that I abandon myself and separate myself out of fear from being seen by others as different.What fucking’s pity to grow up like that.

I would fear that these thoughts would be picked up by someone else. But it is then that fear; that is visible. It is from this fear of being spotted, that made me into a victim of bullying. Fear is visible. Dogs can smell it. Yet it is a illusion and it does not exist. Just like g..

 

 

Self forgiveness in next post..