Day 873 – receiving support

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and go into self judgement, frustration and anger over receiving support, where I am reminded of the times in youth school where I was in need to extra support, because I could not understand the mathematics, and I felt so awful and bad for needing that extra support from the teachers, where I felt (and was) singled out, I was branded and I was excluded as not that smart as everyone else, I could not carry my own load and worse –  I had to make up for this lack of popularity, lack of  understanding math, in my own way, through taking on fights and conflict and other ways prove myself to the rest of the school.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself the moments when I was confronted by teachers in school where they would “hang over me” to help me understand something that I was not quite getting, where I felt so deeply intimidated and left out, smelling their breathe and fearing they should smell my breathe and I just sink into that shame, disgust and hate, rubbing my eyes, sighing, and going sour and hurt on my inside, hurting myself with anxiety, irritation, horror and hate that was suppressed deep within me.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for channelling the frustration and the hate that I felt when I was 13 and 14, inwards into myself, where I would learn to hate myself, where I would grow anxious and basically through channelling all my problems into myself to suppress and hide deep within me, that would destroy me and hurt me, from the inside, from me doing what everyone else was doing with and about school.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking I can’t clearly enough express my regret and massive disappointment over school and the education system that was and that is beyond sickness.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an outcast and a freak from going to school, like school itself was making me moan, cry, pity myself, school itself was teaching me how to hate, to fear, to reject and to fight and over all making me a wreck, making me really sick and making me a criminal.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk negative about school because my parents were also teachers.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself see in clarity how school taught me how to hate and how to reject and resist life within myself, school was a true prison of horror for me and there really is no easy way to say it.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times in class where I would rub my eyes and learn to turn the pain into myself instead of learning how to handle the pain and how to express myself to be able to deal with the pain and basically to forgive the pain, that I was not taught, and therefor I write these words of change.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about receiving support is something of a drag and a painful dreadful embarrassing event, to judge myself and to wake up the horrors from my school, from receiving support.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to receive support because of fear of waken up my horrible memories from school – of receiving support from teachers and how that played out.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all common school systems, like public schools should be put down asap, because they are insane and are creating monsters.  

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am evil of bad because I want to end all schools, but it is truly an act of compassion, genuine care and common sense.

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be unpopular with people who see this different – people who think schools are ok or good anyhow.

When and as I see myself needing and receiving support, where I feel like turning the emotions inward into myself I breathe, and I breathe some more and I ground myself – I forgive the energy, the emotion and the entity that is distracting me from receiving support – because there is no need to feel emotional about receiving support – it simply is – and there is no need to judge that.

I commit myself to see support as something good where I can open up myself to receive and   where I can fully embrace and take in the support. I commit myself to immediate embrace and live the word “embrace” in situations where I am to receive support – where I can focus on how the support can benefit me and my process and possibly others.

I commit myself to keep sharing my experience of school.