Tag Archives: sex

Day 778 – Rock Fucking Bottom

homeless_reading_on_the_sidewalk.jpg

I have been there. Have you been there ?  Totally down and out ? No one left to turn to…. It is scary. On ones bare feet, hungry, cold, hurting,  and without money….I had lost it all and driven myself into severe abuse and addictions of various kinds. I was cold and trying to sleep in a ruined and wrecked tent in rainy Amsterdam in  November, 2011. I was at my rock bottom. So low I could go. I was barely alive.

Sitting here now many years later it is strange to think about how far I had pushed myself back then. It is scary to look back and seeing how badly I treated myself. And just that; the mechanics of it, the programming of it, the drive of mind within it,  is what is talked about in this interview:

https://eqafe.com/p/hitting-rock-bottom-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-98

the interview/eqafe makes me aware of the specific mind mechanics

 

It is described the programs that are active within such a state. What are the conscious components within being at rock bottom ? I dare you to investigate this interview and others that follow on the topic.  You will get a very, very unique look into the detailed parts and mechanics of the mind and its working in these relations and similarities. What are the programs that run within the mind/body before hitting rock bottom ? Having this awareness of how mind operates we can then forgive the self within this… and change !

 

For me it was mostly a desire to run away from responsibilities, memories, trauma, my life (!) with doing weed, hajjis, alcohol and sex.  I was a multiple addict. And it drove me waaaaay down… Not until 4 or 5 years later on was I able to see and say that yes, that point in Amsterdam, November 2011, that was my rock bottom ! I was practically dead.

 

Because get this, important part here: If we don’t understand and forgive, embrace the parts that drive us to such a state in the first place, being of rock bottom, if we don’t understand it what got us here, then… what is keeping us from ending up there again ? What is preventing the same programs and drivers of mind to cause us to end up there again ? If we don’t work on it, forgive self, and alter our self and our living… nothing will prevent it happening again. This will reoccur again and again and again… mind recycling itself over and over.. keeping us a slave.

 

This is an example on why I had to open up and expose to myself and walk, my addictions, my trauma, my nitty – gritty detailed past. I had to open up and expose and forgive and embrace to myself all the parts that I had rejected. And this interview lets us know some of the programs and mechanics (much like a computer lol ) we have to understand to be able to deal with this type of phenomena. This will only escalate and increase in time to come. Because life will not wait. Equality and oneness as life is coming.

Fuck ! It had become so bad now, that me googling for pictures on “Rock Bottom”, to shows only wrestling stars… wtf ? Searching for “Rock Bottom” pics and seeing this wrestling dude all over…. geee…..

 

 

Here is the follow up on the first interview:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-to-do-at-rock-bottom-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-99

 

who ever you are eqafe.com can assist you in your process

 

 

For more info on life challenges, solutions and issues:

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Enjoy !

 

berseskokentormodhvidstengjedrem.png

Day 747 – emotionally addicted

friends-hugging-4

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take on/attack myself with angst, fear, judgments, anger and depression, and for not being able to clear the house/my body completely of these emotions (…) and then simply returning to self, with a more concentrated personality/mixture of these poisonous emotions and to crucify myself within my flesh/body with these designs, over and over again – not seeing until now the infinite looping returning to sender (me) like basic math.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be done with judging/blaming myself so it returns from the ego/consciousness with greater force since now I am aware of it, I know it is “there”, for it to knock me out and to crucify me and make me hurt.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself feel like letting go of emotions, and I think to myself they are simply imaginary and they don’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself dump my emotions on others/project it on others – simply to have it smack me out of my chair in the next turn.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to learn my emotions from scratch.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like emotions got me doomed.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to think that they have it so much easier than me.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at, and try to make sense of  this looping of emotions short-cutting me into little pieces and making me suffer – from the design of the conscious mind and polarity/energy design, like a rollercoaster/blender from hell.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is my schizophrenia – I have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop the conscious looping and energy games – it will only cause consequences for me.

I commit myself to look closer at the bigger picture here, and to look deep into myself, about looping /playing games with energies in my mind.

sooo…

loving the fear & the angst… (looking deep inside)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can express more/be more explicit/creative, when I am inn angst and in anxiety and this then gives me a sense of freedom within being lost in angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like angst since I feel like I can express more freely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a tool to manipulate particular in ways to gain sex and to try to use fear to gain sex to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to “like” fear as a tool to have/gain/manipulate to have sex.

here I talk more on my schizophrenia : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO3fFWY-jh4&t=0s

here is a cool interview: https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia

Other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

Day 695 : Day 2 : Sex

Day 2 of 21 days of walking with self forgiveness

 

I will take on the challenge from my brother : Gian Robberts on walking a 21 day trial of (only/daily) self forgiveness on points. I will walk these points of self forgiveness for self/world change during 21 days.

 

Here is Gain’s Blog :

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.no

21 days of self forgiveness on key points.

The points will be that kind of relevant points as of this world and our living.

Money, sex, politics, work, religion, mind  and so on

 

Day 2 : Sex

sex

 

Please read loud for best effect

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am obsessed with sex and I have sex on my mind and I  am a sex addict within this I realize that most of us are raised and programmed the same way and have taboo/expectations/secret mind  and imaginations/fantasies about sex and what it should be lik

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk about sex since it is a obvious thing that should come and be natural, that have been corrupted from the sins of the fathers and passed on  as sacred/religious and in polarity to people in all cultures and over a very long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of sex as the act between a couple, honoring each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk about sex as I fear to picture genitals and to fear to see nudity/penetration  as I would be programmed to be shy or aroused by such pictures and there for avoid it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like screaming at parents about to tell their children everything there is to know about sex and body, and not keep things  secret  since that will only create taboo and consequences to the child growing up as of emotions/burden and separation/abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have not yet had real good sex as in slowing down, breathing and feeling / sensing / touching the other and honoring the physical of the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel repulsed and sick from seeing commercials and videos, pop songs etc that are more and more cross -over porn and how porn has fastened its grip on people and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge porn as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that porn is just  another creation of man, it is nether good or bad it just is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think we have sexism as a form of egoism because we are separated from life and substance here, and rather “feel” like with energy addiction and porn/sex/love addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shy  and shamed for having lived with porn addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that now that I have overcome my porn addiction I am in title to judge and moralize over other people still stuck in porn addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to tell people about my sexual experience – when that should be natural, real and honorable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge “the system” for making money out of something that is sacred like sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all sex should be sacred and held in self honesty/secrecy but still open,  between the involved individuals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for looking at women’s breasts and think about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that sex is meant to make humans reproduce, and in addition to that we are designed to have a high/orgasm within the sex/fucking and we are then, fail me not, designed from creation by energies/structure to feel good/empowered/stimulated  during sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define porn as not sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my old sex partners and to dream about them again today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and bring myself down  based on memories of school gym and showering and spying on girls and having so many questions and desires about sex, nudity and body when I was young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  ……(please fill in your points)

 

Thanks

Day 629 – Unmasking the Macho Man

I was participating on a google hangout about the male gender role.

What expectations do men have for themselves when they’re in a relationship? How do these self judgements get reinforced by other people and the media? What kinds of thoughts and inner experiences do men face in terms of the roles they should apparently be filling in their relationships and lives? How can men support themselves to step out of these roles and let go of the self judgements attached to them so that they can get to know who they really are and what they enjoy in life?

 

Enjoy:

Day 595 – Personality of hidden desire

Personality of hidden desire

wings-of-desire-2

I see that the last week or maybe somewhat longer, I have sort of slipped into this desire of looking at girls on the streets. I would be looking at girls bodies, starting from a positive polarity point, and I would be getting into desire within myself flowing with the positive energy, careless. I would be taking in the picture to my mind and suppress it and store it, within my body. Later on this hidden and often suppressed pictures/desires creates backchats that go way down to negative polarity within me, and is brought up to surface and into life from thoughts in my head. When I take on the slightest or negative of personality, stress within my living with this experience of looking and girls and going into mind, I go into my secret mind/ self sabotage and I go into dirty talk and dirty words of sex and body/pictures from my starting point of looking at girls on the streets that have such and such bodies. Making the slightest judgment of the girls as they walk or I see theme any way and I go into, thinking that she is like this or like that and if I am unable to bring this up within myself in self honesty, it is suppressed and it turns naughty/negative on me later. This is my personality of dirty talk and naughtiness within my, self sabotage and from suppressed thoughts and pictures starting with sight of the body of girls on the streets.

The positive polarity of this personality would think like, “oh what a nice body”, “you look nice” and “you look gorgeous” and so on, “go on with your charm”, within chit chat on my positive polarity. My negative polarity would on the other hand go into these naughty and dirty thoughts, from the same construct, of polarity, simply from how I am programmed to look at everything from online pictures of Paris Hilton or Beyonce or H& M commercial or other emotionally triggering posters and pictures in my world. Shit around us that trigger abuse and crime.. Very, very, very obvious, and deliberate. Crime. But we accept this in society and much, much worse than I am mentioning here. So I am there for writing this to say that we can live within this world without thinking dirty only because you see a girl in short pants, or a lady with big breasts. It is possible to live together without going into lowdown dirty porn and abuse. So the porn and H & M – lie full and deceptive pictures and emotionally triggering data, have to go bye – bye. Within this negative or inferior programming and construct I would also go into self judging. I would judge myself for looking at girls and seeing pictures of sexual suggestive materials in society and online.

I also realize that within my body there is this area of myself where I hide old sex stories of former girls friends, and memories of them. I realize that I go into this area of my body, and dream myself away with the specific girl, acting carless and irresponsible with myself, simply living and indulging within a memory.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge within my memory of old girlfriends and create this alternative reality out of living within the memories of having sex with girls from my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judging over this relationship within my physical and these energies that is stored within my body that I need to let go of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into chit chat and small talks in my head on seeing girls on the street and going into desire and going into positive energies and dreaming away in erotic thoughts thinking I could be with the girls, dreaming away, careless, in fluffy feelings of positivity, totally riding the positive energy train.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act irresponsible with myself and for acting careless with simply riding the positive energy train without consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the negative polarity at the same time that I give into the positive, with how I create naughtiness words and dirty talk within my secret mind and my negative polarity later on making my life hell with certain voices in my head, and dirty talk within my secret mind and my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed having personalities fighting to be in charge and creating voice and backchats within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad from going into desire and chit chats and backchats over this desire that is hidden within me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to judge myself and further suppress the pictures and ideas of sex and sexuality creating a endless pit of sorrow and negativity within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if girls are dressed in a sexual explicit way they fail to be responsible for themselves, because according to peoples (mostly men) programming of sex and culture, meaning that if you wear a miniskirt and bikini in town, you are deliberately tempting sex offenders, that are more and more often programmed in this world from especially porn, programmed into sex monsters and offenders. People must be aware of this and be responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at my former sex addiction and think that now I can spell out it clear words to myself, slow myself down, and direct myself, what this is like, because I have gone past that life and living in addiction and into reality, and commons sense and responsibility.

When and as I see myself noticing a girl’s body on the street. I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that if I suddenly notice something about a girl I must direct myself slowly and safely move within and stop that thought and that train in my head. I realize that I must say within myself self forgiveness for the thought and the emotion that comes up. I realize that a good way to prevent this is to slow down and take it very, very easy, so I am not surprised by a girl’s body at all. I realize that I can still dance and sing and have fun even though I take it more slowly. I realize that some girls dress in ways to trigger such reaction with men and that is dangerous. Perhaps without knowing without awareness and perhaps under influence of alcohol. It is still their own responsibility and there are more and more men that end up like sex offenders. I commit myself to slow down when I am in public places. I commit myself to take life more easy and to forgive within if react into girls in public. I commit myself to work through self forgiveness on removing such personality that would allow to flow and go with such translated energies as of sex/dirty talk/voices in the head. I commit myself to leave behind, calm and in slowing down, this personality of hidden desire. I commit myself to live real life and express instead of going into separation of desire.

When and as I see myself going into this particular place within my body, and I feel like this urge for energies or desires. I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that this part of my body is where I would find my secret desires and my hidden lust sort’o speak. I realize that this part of me lets me know through numbness, that It would like attention or it would need to be looked at matters within my desires or be sorted out and forgiven. I realize that I can heal myself with self forgiveness and it is important to so that with all elements and all of my past. I realize that I should sort out all elements of my past and clear out all energies that might be causing numbness within my body. I commit myself to go through all elements of my body to clear out all the energies. I commit myself to move though my history of girlfriends to detect any friction or energetic hold ups or sort of emotionally tripping wires and forgive it, and free the energies.

To learn what parts of the body contains what sort of data please investigate : http://desteni.org/

I would also recommend this blog on porn: https://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/

And this program from eqafe: https://eqafe.com/p/kim-amourette-romance-and-porn-the-truth-about-relationships