DAY 878 – death wish

This is a bit of taboo topic so if you are going through a rough time or are feeling suicidal – please be warned of potential triggers in this post

Intimidating myself over longing for death.

Often when I see people who are very sick, like with severe cancer or other ways tells that they have little time left, or people who recently died, I often think like, “oooh… why not me already. When is it my turn”?  

And this both scares me and it makes me feel ostracized, because people are not allowed to dream of death or wish for death. It is not how we are used to live. Even though billions (!) of people live everyday lives with suppressing themselves, ignoring their body’s cry for attention, or other ways live simply brainwashed consumer and in all ways hurtful lives.   

I am just tired of suppressing these thoughts and my ideas of death and dying that do not seam to fit into most peoples desired narrative or ideas of topics to talk about. Should this be only for the doctor or the priest to talk about?

Often, I feel like I should either:

A: express more and share and be more expressive

Or

B: Do less, show less, and express less

This post I would say is a matter of option A

And there might be a balance to this but I am not seeing it yet.

I would like to write about my death wish but I fear that people will react.

Like I said, billions of people, I fact most all people live in denial of real life. They do not have awareness of their bodies. They do not have education to properly raise children. They do not have knowhow about what foods to eat. Etc etc

So why should I feel bad for having a death wish?

I can look at people who are in their 70’s or 80’s or older and think “man what a life they have lived. They sure can need a good rest after this battle they have been through”. And over the years with having such insights and thoughts I start to think that I would need that tranquillity myself.

I envy them their death. And it is not like I am suicidal I just feel like my work is mostly done. I am tired, like I know that most people deep down are. It has been hell on earth for eons of time.

So… Where does this lead me? I mind myself to not be depressed. I keep a steady anchoring on my inside, and I do most of the things in my everyday to live a healthy and good life. I am just tired of people not listening. Maybe I need a vocation. Maybe I need to go more for option B. I don’t know. There is something telling me here that my work is not done.

I struggle to make myself worthy to life, and that might be it, I STRUGGLE to try to fit into what I believe life should be. When the reality might be that I should just accept myself for having a death wish and cherish that honesty (!) within me. Mind myself to not go into obsessing of it, and find a balance of what I am sharing.

This can help normalize how people have death wish and people who believe that they long for death, by thinking that existence after dying will be easier. I don’t think it will be easier – rather the other way around actually.

But again, I am only showing my inside, I am only trying to unpack my mind and my systems, and expose every angle. So I have a death wish… fine…no big deal. Cherish the honesty In that and rather learn to live life so that what comes after it, ca be so much more easier and overall good. Because what we live here is creating the hereafter – and the other way around.

I take with me from this blog that I should try to not struggle to live my life, but rather accept that I am life and that there are no layout, or one size for me to fit into, or any programs on how I am to live it. Fuck that! Life can be crazy, wild and sexy. But life can be slow, silent, longing and dark. It can all be life. What matters is who I am within it. Who do I chose to be – what role will I play and how will I live my life in relation to my surroundings and my relationships.

Let’s choose life. In what ever way we can.

Thank you for reading   

Day 853 – love of self

This is a continuation from Day 852 – Making self love real

 

Self love is also not only outer living – outer living is a part of it –  but the inner – physical being and awareness of self is the starting point of what I do. So it is to look in the mirror and be satisfied – be proud of what have been walked. To look in those eyes and smile, giggle even, because I have come to learn – that I can bring anything – here – and that I can forgive – anything and equalize to it – embrace myself – love myself equally as I can embrace & love anyone else, as me. Because deep down we are all equal and one – its only out expression that will differ. So I am discovering self love, and its humbling. I can embrace me – and thank me – to be grateful for me walking in forgiving self support of me. That is of living self forgiveness and part of my self love. I have walked and stood by my side through all kinds of mad storms – hell and high water, it has been tough – fail me not! But I am still here – standing by myself – by life – in self support – in self love – in self forgiveness. There is no other way. Self forgiveness is the ultimate key to find true self love as physical practical self awareness.

 

From forgiving my way through mind programs and systems – that have limited me into lesser than – from mind programs – non reality – from forgiving these systems and programs in great detail, I learn to stand up as the physical practical reality of me – to be proud of what I have walked and changed as myself – into a better functional responsible me. This process of forgiving myself into a solid me – to leave the fiction of mind – leads me into self gratitude and ultimatly self love.

 

  -I can look in the mirror and be proud and glad of what I see. I can bring anything here – into me – to equalize to it and find within that – I can live what is best and make way for others to learn from my example. 

 

I can live self love – because I take absolute responsibility – through self forgiveness  and that over time I learn to know me, to appreciate me – to love me

 

investigate : desteni

 

 

 

Day 819 – effortlessness through the lens of hardship

Imagine that the idea and concept that the matrix movies present are real. In which I am aware they are in most ways.

Imagine that you could change your minds programming, according to what is needed and preferred  to become a better version of self.

Imagine that you can hack your own mind, your own system, and change/alter the programming that is layered within and as your own mind/being.

That is what is taking place at me, from me walking my desteni I process now for over 6 years. It’s a altering of my minds programs to change my ways to prove that change is real and that the process I walk is a process that for real can change ones reality – from words and systems as words.

I am now looking specifically at my relationship to some distinguished words. Words that I have chosen  to walk and to apply. So I am at the moment changing and literally programming myself to a new and altered state of being from my relationship to some specific words.

I look at the  word effortlessness. How my life is changing with me simply living my life. From me programming myself with words through my desteni I process and mind programming literally to untie the many connections/systems between my mind and my physical body. It’s like writing new code for my own soft and hardware, my own mind, being and physical.

So after I have written it and coded my self – it’s just for me to live it – to live the change. And it’s quite the remarkable experience. It’s quite hard to be a new self. You can say I recently placed in lots of work in self.  It’s quite painful. Just like a baby is screaming to communicate to its parents,  my body is often communicating with me through pain. The pain is real and it’s from change. It’s new parts of me that is again, discovered and woken up from the long sleep and darkness of past/old abusing programs into a new and  better me.

The point of effortlessness is that the process becomes more easy to follow/go with as I simply have to live it / walk it and applying it becomes easy.

 

It’s like seeing what is there (in my mind) exposing it and knowing the brutal truth/honesty of it. And then to change its coding – from writing. Self forgiveness and redefining my words and relationships, self commitments and other methods of self altering and self structuring are some of the tools I am proud to use – that the group of desteni are working every day to fine tune.

Looking at effortlessness I find it quite challenging to be the change, I mean change to fast can be a challenging ride. And that is today some of my hardship. At the end of the day I realize that I don’t want to be the one that simply gives the responsibility and all the mess we are in over to our children. Like it was done to me. No.  I take responsibility for my and this life, to alter my ways to find solutions and imply them. It’s challenging yes, but it will be worth is in the long haul. I know for sure.

So effortlessness is today my hardship, but it’s a strong and steady ship lol, and challenge is a channel to change. A opportunity for change. So I am looking at effortlessness,  within my being and a solution to the hardness of it is to adjust the stress level with …. watching TV ! TV has today become a remedy for my share these days, is  I need to serve myself with some TV these days and use that is unwinding. Reading books are similar activities that I use when I need to relax and enjoy myself. Walking outside and working physically with my body are other ways to recover.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Here is me talking about self forgieveness:

Enjoy your day !