Day 665 – understanding god – self forgiveness

This is a continuation from my previous post “Understanding god”

 

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat within my head saying “I am stupid”, “I am dumb”, “I am weird”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having others read my thought out of fear of being bullied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask questions in my childhood, about “god”, existence of so, and religions out of fear because I felt it as a great taboo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask my parents about god and religions and believes, as I was thought that It was a “off the record” – subject and not to be talked about in normal settings and I did not have the vocabulary to even start talking about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself from deep, deep within of this judgment of backchats, and for suppressing it away below within my physical and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel low like not alive from this backchat of “I am stupid” and “I am dumb”, “I am a idiot” or “I am weird” that I  was participating with in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hurt like a “road kill” animal hit by a truck, left crawling in its pity and blood from seeing myself back then being 7, 8 or 9-ish of age living this pattern of backchats/fearing to ask about god, living the pattern today/living the error.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself from this programming and fearing to judge or moralize over my parents and my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let in the thought “where do you want to go, with your life Tormod” ?, “What are your goals”, that I would feel deep within of emotional burden and blame, and I would along with this thought experience this horrible backchat of “I am dumb” and “I am stupid”, “I am a idiot”, “I am weird”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like waking from the dead from picking up this emotional backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my emotions by living this word, “stupid”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the word stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face my consequences and my responsible self living this programming of “stupid” and “dumb”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard , damn hard, to even vaguely understand the brainwashing of people simply living the past programming/sins of the fathers and brainwashing/programming of others/children/passing it on, like I was done to in my upbringing and my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bash out and moralize over how people have been living in programming and brainwashing over and over like a fuckings whirlpool – washer machine, going over and over, serving the very same crap/lies over and over again non – stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a “freak” or to feel different and weird, from seeing how I was programmed to fear, hate and disgrace what was seen as “dumb”, “not smart” or “stupid”, like how we are thought to dislike people with down syndrome, add, schizophrenia or any other “things” that occurs within our lives and in society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take responsibility for myself as having lived these words, deep, deep within my past and my physical having suppressed it and lied to myself created believe systems around myself and lying to myself and people around me through these lies of god, not getting it and ending up judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge of moralize of how I was brought up as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this believe system based on how I was fearing to talk of god, and creating a huge emotional pit within myself and living in complete dishonesty and in pain from a very young age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see what is backchats within this as I was living it so very, very compromised and rooted deep within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act shocked and scared over seeing how bad rooted this backchat was and failing to see it before the other day, during a kinesiology session.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to “understand” or firmly be-lie-ve in a God, and for always opposing such issue with my being and physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call out in the debt of my being and body, that “God is dead”, “God have never exited”, “Kill God”, “Kill the Ego”etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how “God” is just a huuuge scam (!) and lie – bases on ego and irresponsible and brainwashed people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I speak with a split – tongue, as I can call out religions as bullshit and at the same time participate in Christian traditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think that calling out the abuse/brainwashing of religious traditions would do more harm than good.