Day 664 – Understanding god

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I have been living with a emotional reactive pattern from waaay back in my child hood. A backchat within my head, little demon thoughts in my mind, as of present.

From childhood suppressing I live today with specific backchats within my very mind and being. Thoughts/bakchats of blame and guilt, and emotions.

It goes back to being a young boy, and not understanding the concept of “GOD”. I don’t understand the concept of god, being 5,6 years etc… so I start thinking less/inferior about myself. I started this emotional play of being “stupid” and “dumb” to my own awareness. Calling myself a idiot.

This goes into my schooling specifically within the subject of mathematics. I start to do mistakes in school, in math and language. So I see, I drag with me the error of not understanding “god”, into math and language. Doing wrong and spinning in it. Not getting out of it before… 20 – 30 years later; today.

All that pain…

 

I enroll within my characters of being dumb or stupid from school/child programming. I think to myself that I am stupid and dumb/weird/different. And I am terrified at the same time. I am terrified that this should leak out and that people should hear about myself thinking about myself that I am “stupid” or “dumb” from not being able to accept that there is/is not a god. I am shit scared that someone where to know what I tell myself in my thoughts. I tell myself I am dumb and I am stupid in my thinking. This is also at the same time my schizophrenic mind growing on me. And I suppress it all. Deep, deep down within my physical and being. Waaay below. I suppress all this from not being able to live with the fact that I can’t understand or grasp the concept of god.  I see that I abandon myself and separate myself out of fear from being seen by others as different.What fucking’s pity to grow up like that.

I would fear that these thoughts would be picked up by someone else. But it is then that fear; that is visible. It is from this fear of being spotted, that made me into a victim of bullying. Fear is visible. Dogs can smell it. Yet it is a illusion and it does not exist. Just like g..

 

 

Self forgiveness in next post..

 

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