Tag Archives: change

Day 767 – choice

If I can make that choice

Right now I have Michael Jackson in my head.. :

“I am looking at the man in the mirror…”

 

I am looking at me in the mirror, and In self honesty and integrity, I can see that there are things within myself that I can change. I am sure it is that way with you also. 100 % sure!

Thing is we all want a better world. We want a good life, peace and prosperity for all… right ? If that is not the case – then I would say that you are mentally ill, and many of us are, mentally ill without taking it into consideration. Such a shame.

 

That choice can be a turning point in self, like it is to me. We all have choices in our lives. We all have that something we can do for the greater good. We all can do more to assist self to a better living. We can listen to the common sense, what the body tells us – and to not listen to minds, energetic desires – that will always, always deceive us.

So if I can make that choice in my life maybe I can assist others on doing the same. My choice is about several things, but mostly it is me and my living where I am. It is about being more physical. It is also about writing more. I have been focusing on to do more physical work. Living on a farm there is always work to be done and my body very much enjoys the work. Though my mind will reject it from losing its grip on me and at the same time I also bring forth my being. And that is what this is about; to honor the physical and bring forth ones being and not give mind its space and attention. It is a big job and it may seem difficult, but consistent work and pushing self will carry through. To just do it and jump out of comfort zones and do the work, what needs to be done.

 

Because it s from honoring and caring for my physical and bringing forth my being, together with living words and self honesty that I can change, expand and evolve – be better myself.

Not giving mind attention and space.

And through writing I can understand, realize, forgive and direct myself.

 

Bilder fra iphone 270

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid physical work and to avoid taking part in it, making excuses that my body hurts and it is weary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses about my living to not have to go to work simply from fear of confronting my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the reward in doing physical work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to jump out of my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

 

I commit myself to be more consistent and also flexible with my physical like to do more yoga.

I commit myself to do more yoga.

I commit myself to write more and to expose and share more of my living.

 

 

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 752 – self judgment

 

 

self goat

painting by me

 

 

Self judgment:

I notice today that I live in self judgment. This is noticeable by me mostly from seeing the core design of the self judgment.  I have been able to take a step back and see where does it come from ? And funny enough (this time) it comes from TV and movies, documentaries and fiction.

I have seen so many movies and series/drama about court rulings and layers life. I have made a very energetic picture/drama of the lawyers and the judges, and the happening within so.

I would think of a court as a game. A game to win or lose, and from history the game is rigged against me. Because the court is the rich – system – powers play ground. It is there together with for instance doctors to make the gap, wider between classes in society.

So I have been projecting this onto others, how I “dislike” lawyers (and doctors) and I have been living in that self judgment myself where I am the judge, lawyer, police man, victim and criminal. It is like a circus of role play to me. Very common to my schizophrenic mind. This all strikes back at me and causes pain and disturbance within me. I see now that I live this self judgment and I need to come to a acceptance and embracing of me. And let go of the energetic looping/judging of mind.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of positive pole, popular rich lawyer, and winning in court; and negative pole;  looser criminal and being sentenced in court.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my issues of law and the court/lawyer life onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will not be a celebrity or a star simply a looser clown from the polarity of LA – LAW series I relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as the loosing/sad clown and that I am lost as of present since courts still have a say in this world (today).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I suck at being a clown, but it is still a mask to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices of the sad clown in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of taking law serious or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself in my clown – circus of court/law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the TV series LA-LAW where I live and act like a playboy from California in the 80’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the phrases from TV drama and documentaries in my head over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed with judgments that I  have a energetic party within the room of court and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know enough about law to outsmart a judge, and to play the court for a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling on to different  theories about law and justice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deep down fear judges and lawyers and to think that they as a group don’t serve life, and they are abuse within the system and should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that deep down the court system is a scam and a mind trickery, and it just tricked me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by the law system of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself serious when I say that courts and lawyers of today are by structure, definition and design not supporting life – they should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind – fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack the law/court system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can distance myself from self judgments, failing to realize that I then  distance myself from me/my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see nothing but judgments and to live in this sentence of “I sentence you to” or other similar words from TV/movies court rooms drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck and fucked by the design of self judgment and within this addicting to it and feeling like I can let it go it is on me like a magnet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my self – judgments with my eyes/seeing and my own moral of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the self judgment like my pair of glasses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to live with myself judgment failing to see the solution to accept myself and to embrace and value my self – instead of judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fucked by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel raped by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply abused by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel corrupted by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like shit from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like puking and “giving up” from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that law is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the law that we see today (protecting greed/ego) is doomed.

 

 

Self corrections to be lived:

I commit myself to accept myself and to investigate myself and my mind and sort out all my shit.

I commit myself to expose the old system / self /mind /law and to remove it all breathe by breathe, step by step, and create a new system that is a system that is best for all.

I commit myself to embrace myself – no matter what.

 

Realizing / clarity:

  • I need acceptance of me to be able to see into me and this grants me access/accept into my mind/body/world/imaginations.
  • self judgement is not real it is fiction and imaginations.
  • courts and such law we see today is not going to last.
  • I have a response – ability to create new systems  to replace the old.
  • To me with my schizophrenia, self judgement is still very real/in my eyes.
  • There is no need to judge – we are all equals.

 

 

Link to another blog on self judgments:

http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/03/day-704-self-acceptance-vs-self.html

 

 

 

other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

Day 742 – Living the word organized

profile-tormod-hvidsten-gjedrem-tormod-hvidsten-gjedrem

From having lived for about 3 decades very un – organized, in system uproar and sabotage, I realize with assistance from eqafe.com and from walking my desteni i process, that this word < organized > holds great potential to me.

From changing oneself from “reverse” of life… into “drive” of life –  one have to bring with the whole words/world’s that makes one…. up for recovery and change.

Why, or how is it  that this word holds potential to me ? Well since my life was very chaotic and disturbed with addictions and all sorts of mind concepts and conscious complications, I was living very much in opposition to this word organized. unconsciously I would despite this word, and down grade it, or more precisely down grade myself from looking at it. You see, words are almost like life, or at least they are very connected !  And I have gone through some huge changes that last 5 years of my life. I now appreciate being organized and I find the process of organizing, my life, to be quite fun, enjoyable, and supportive.

I have also defined this word to myself. So that it suits me. I can recommend working on words and to define them too suit your being. Play with words, express, live words, and redefine words. Check out SOUL

This is how I have redefined organized: to have such a arrangement of details so that all involved parts are comfortable.

Thanks for reading

Day 740 – we have already been programmed

 

memory.jpg

 

does it not strike you that all humans almost 100 % equally have a mind consciousness system ?

do you dare to ask why we all have that …system and matrix on our shoulders ?

how where we programmed to carry it in the first place, because it definitely seam un natural and like a metaphysical/extra thing/box rather than physical like flesh, bone and blood of the natural body.

very, very many people call upon mind consciousness system (or parts of it) to be God/religion, and the authority they chose to obey. and fail me not to be atheist is just a polarity of this believe, so we are very much left in the dark to figure things out our self. lucky for us there are signs on our path. and the bible is just happen to be one of these signs.

thing is we almost exclusively chose this existence our self, we might have been convinced and corrupted by energies to take this authority and mind/god to our living and practice over millions and millions of years and multiple layers of existence. there have been far more advanced civilizations on this planet earth. lots of it hidden secrets, and mystery not taken into awareness (or schools). I stand to break that silence.

let’s look at a specific example. from the bible. cain killed his brother able. what does this mean ? (realize that the bible is full of equations and riddles and it like a puzzle to help us on our path to awareness and change)

cain killed able

consciousness killed awareness

so we need to restore and bring forth our awareness – again.

 

so we look at words cain:  cain, ein, one, en (one single)

en + able = enable

enable the awareness

and to be here as awareness is key. consciousness is just a trickery show and “smoke and mirrors” of mind. But don’t fear or despise/hate the mind/box, we must learn to live with it, to make it equal to us – so it can do some work for us instead. if you are into conspiracy and youtube videos, you will see that so many videos (01.01.2017) predict ww3 and catastrophe and mayhem. just like our own old con – sciousness making a con/scam out of us with mind trickery.

realize this, mind is held well and in control by us – serving it energies. positive and negative, like a fucking battery cell of matrix,  energies that further create thoughts, and if you are able to realize that thoughts and thinking is NOT the way to go, you have come quite far, because thoughts as it is, manifested in the physical body is a sabotage and a separation of the flesh/physical. thoughts and thinking is separation of life, and then it gets real easy to make it each and everyone’s task to take responsibility for one self and ones living since, hey, it all boils down to the individual, within mind and who we are as thoughts, words and deed. we know all the secrets and we know the human mind, we have all the solutions waiting for us….all the cool new technologies, just a breath away… but governments and big money is preventing it for all to use it. since they have lots of the tool of money they are corrupted by status q, and we allow it to go on.

 

picture this:

 

all the thoughts that you have or have had, that are nasty or cruel, bad thoughts about others, emotions, and perverse fantasy, imaginations, all the stories that  you suppress and deny for, are representing what ? suppression and denial, yes… and just like that all that data of emotions, are stored and stacked away like,  billions and billions and billions of dollars – kept at distance from your and my pocket, because, hey karma strikes. just like we store away all the bad thoughts and mind bothers, endless numbers of money is kept from our common sharing since the system is rigged like that – , so that only a very, very, very few have all the money – and we all have scraps. I am further one voice to break this also. but how ? just knowing it does not break it… I must clean up my mind, in totality. all the nitty – gritty details and stories that I would not share with anyone – it comes out and up and for studying and exposing, I don’t need to criminalize myself by posting my worst fantasy on youtube, but I can write it out, in common sense and self support,  to myself with pen and paper, in self trust and integrity, to my own awareness,  and share how I did it, and what  I used as  a tool to clean up my mind, which is self forgiveness.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself…..”

 

so to empty the mind its demons and energy constructs, and stop the psychology drama/looping and thinking, self forgiveness my friend.  there is nothing like it of this world. let’s change it all – by starting at home.

we are what we create – so within so without.

 

 

here I am doing self forgiveness on points that opened up during writing this blog:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel like all I do is pointing fingers at others and not sorting out my own shit, that makes my process like a burden like I judge myself, and ending up feeling bothered and sick from that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the world is not yet ready for self forgiveness, “they” need more wake up calls, more con – sciousness, more consequence –  in the face to wake up from the suppression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear to use the bible, thinking I am a christian or religious because of it, proving I have a emotional relationship to being religious or to believes in general.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this blog as just one more wakeup doom and gloom  post that is lost in the maze.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it would relive me from stress and pain to have more money and to have more stuff, failing to realize that the amount of money does not matter, what matter is who I am in relationship to it.

 

– thank you for reading

self-forgiveness-only-option1

http://desteni.org/

 

 

Day 720 – living change / living words

elephant flying.jpg

Living words from day to day is a cool concept. Imagine this:

I have worked with self forgiveness for almost 5 years. Within those 5 years I have deleted and removed many, many layers and dimensions of energies within myself of compressed/suppressed  emotions and bothers that have been stored in my body, like what I call:  like “tripping wires” and “land mines” within myself. One more time:

 

For more than 30 years I have been living with emotions and bothers… I have suppressed  tons of emotions and “bad” experiences. Trauma, bullying, sexuality – you name it ! It is like I have been my own worst judge – for all that time. I have judged myself worse than anyone else have judged me. Ok: for almost 5 years I have worked on deleting personalities, energies, emotions, judgments and be- lie – ves within myself, from my physicality, exposing it : taking it out and forgiving it – deleting it.

Within this process I have been living over and over again different traumas and events/memories that have been bothersome to me. I mean: the memory in itself does not go away. It remains. It is the pain and the bother the judgment: the psychology/energies, I take away from my very physical.

 

The memory is still there. So how do I deal with not continuing tripping over the same patterns again and again ? I live words. Because I see that the energies are no longer there, though the scar / pure memory is, and so I can over write that scar with a living word. I don’t need to feel bad for 1001 things from my past so why should I ?

 

I don’t need or want to judge myself any further for old bothers.. so why should I ?

– and I don’t – no more because I have forgiven it in detail and now live words. It is a brilliant recipe if you can grasp it.

I plaster over it, after having forgiven all the energies and all the friction/pain, I invite myself to start living words. I check myself my insides, I find myself standing and as support to myself and from there I start to live words. I take on words that are of support to me and I live them. Remember; I used to also live words before, though that was  emotional “bad” words… from memories/judgments. So today I have cleared out all personalities and energies with self forgiveness, and what now remain is to live words of support. Like : “fulfillment” or “creative”, “stabile” and so on. There is lots of words that are of support – if we are able to make our self ready for those words. To forgive and redesign from all our past. That is what I am currently doing, forgiving, seeing, redesigning and living a better / improved version of myself. Re – creating myself. Words become like dope to me. I am not joking. Words become some of my life essence. I welcome you to investigate the same : to find standing and support, forgiveness of yourself. To recreate this world and to make it into a place that is best for all. Change starts with self : are you ready for change ? Don’t you think our children deserve a better world ?

Check out the links  & enjoy breathe !

 

eqafe.com/

desteniiprocess.com/

lite.desteniiprocess.com/

desteni.org/

reading outdoors.jpg

 

Day 706 : Day 13 : Physicality and God

Day 13 of 21 days of walking with self forgiveness

 

create3377

I will take on the challenge from my brother : Gian Robberts on walking a 21 day trial of (only/daily) self forgiveness on points. I will walk these points of self forgiveness for self/world change during 21 days.

 

Here is Gain’s Blog :

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.no

21 days of self forgiveness on key points.

The points will be that kind of relevant points as of this world and our living.

Money, sex, politics, work, religion, mind  and so on.

 

Day 13: Physicality and  God

 

Please read loud for best effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my physicality as more or less than what it is:  my body my natural body with flesh, skin, blood, organs and skeleton, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in the maze of what it represents from how I was brought up to be – lie – ve, that God was a external force and “someone else” except from  me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need 37 years to learn that my body is my “God”, my temple, my flesh is my God – like the Bible tells us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame Christians who dare not realize or comprehend that the flesh is the God and, the body is the temple of the trinity of mind, body and being, and that is the answer to the riddle of God: (the math of God)  It is the physicality of man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame other people why are stuck in thought patterns and thinking/mind with what they very correct experience in their head as “God”, that is a separation, sabotage of self with cutting a very small piece of muscle tissue of to “have a thought”  that entity and tiny piece of muscle is then the experience of a separate “God” entity who is like mighty and powerful from the experience of  mind, thinking, personalities, energies, polarity and psychology.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that just like “God” from my physical, and like the creators of existence, I am unlimited and a creator who can create a better life for all here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate clearly between the God and the creators of mankind, and that to understand the complexity of this it is needed to study and investigate the desteni message.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that within this, I don’t need to be – lie – ve in myself or in anything at all really since,  be – lie-  ves are just that : lies…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have to share with other people my insight and how I try to tell everyone and also children about my experience and my findings so that they don’t have to go through so much hardness and suffering  like I did to realize this truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk about this as I fear to  go into arguments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to confront my family with this as I fear to be stepping on their toes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort and calamity with reading the Bible, since now I understand the world system  and it as myself and can read between the lines of mysticism and “hidden” messages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  how I would despise and hate the Bible  because I did not understand it, and from school I was thought to hate/fear what I did not understand did wrong would haunt me long after.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go back to my childhood years of  fear of seeing the moment of playing nude games with my second cousins and within that being caught at innocent play and how this along with my schizophrenia created a deep impact of trauma of sex and sexuality within my physicality and mind programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I own something to my second cousins, or anyone else, since I have fond self forgiveness to forgive myself and I would fear that they would be suffering and not have a cure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have addicted to self harm of my physicality/my body  with burning myself with hot water, as a ritual and addictive pattern to hurt myself and to be punished with self harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find euphoria and a “feel good” within burning myself with hot water and punishing myself and to have this sensationalism within this and that it would addict me to self harm.

This harming of my physicality have to end. It have addicted me for too long. Hereby I stop such deliberate self harm, and will not go at it again. I commit myself to not once again harm myself deliberate with hot water.

 

306864_412349172150552_934923915_n

 

Day 704 : Day 11 : Regret

regret

Day 11 of 21 days of walking with self forgiveness

I will take on the challenge from my brother : Gian Robberts on walking a 21 day trial of (only/daily) self forgiveness on points. I will walk these points of self forgiveness for self/world change during 21 days.

 

Here is Gain’s Blog :

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.no

21 days of self forgiveness on key points.

The points will be that kind of relevant points as of this world and our living.

Money, sex, politics, work, religion, mind  and so on.

 

Day 11: Regret

 

Please read loud for best effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry with the pigs when I am about to clean for them in their pen, and they just wants to play and I become angry at them and I regret myself  later on but then it is too late and my harm had already hurt them and I feel regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not slowing down enough and being in the moment and to see the solutions and to be calm and focused on what is best for all in the  moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I fear to regret, when it is still a point to learn and correct from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in mind programming and to, be that participant of  mind and ego and not seeing the solution which is communication, and how I should have talked to the pigs and done other things so they would not go in my way and avoid anger and then regret later on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret from having done small things and say a  wrong word at the wrong time realizing what is programming and mind and what is commons sense only later – suggesting I should slow down and find clarity,  calamity  and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego and internal conversations just to end up disappointed and sad, in regret from what then plays out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a failure within regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize how I should be slowing down and breathing more often to be stabile and to consider I have this mental disorder of schizophrenia to deal with also.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I should be aware of the possibility of regret and to mind myself all the time, to be aware and breathe, and avoid the horrors of regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I think I need to create a scare crow or a flag point of regret, so I will mind it better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw a picture and a face of regret to post and to expose to others to see and to avoid to end up in regret and to choose life, slowing down and breathe instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the idea that regret is a demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speculate and wonder about how to avoid regret when it is simple as fuck, it is just to choose life and substance, not mind and form…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to despise regret, thinking I need to hate it in order to avoid it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find regret  to hard to deal with like it is overwhelming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret to regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak and powerless to regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there is lack of solution within me regarding regret

 

 

I realize it is all about spotting those potential stressful or tensions moments and to be aware and stop, breathe,  and figure out what to do in that moment and to avoid damage and to live that solution in practicality and in detail – and avoid regret.

If I am with someone : I can tell them : just let me breathe for a sec, take a deep breath and map the situation and find a solution. If I need more than one breathe;  please have more… just let others know you (I) need more time to breathe/stabilize/have overview.

Regret is a bugger but that bugger has to go (!!) … so I am playing hardball with it, by spotting the potential of it, taking my time, grounding, breathing stabilizing, letting others know, and correcting myself to a change that is best for all. Changing /  moving in real time inside as also outside.

 

More on regret:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-7-letting-go-of-regret.html

 

desteni-org-bennedicte