Change/rebirth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “feel” new born – in the sense that babies are born – and THAT is not a pretty or cozy picture for me, so to transcend myself/point into a re-birth was painful and nasty – a real shook up – combined with a heavy flue that would have me re-birth myself from within the physical – my own flesh – my own making – into self as life.
Within this I find it pivotal to underline the fact that rebirth of self or transcendence is not a easy or pretty story as it is often presented today. It is painful, it takes courage and effort, will, self respect, SELF FORGIVENESS and for me this time a real deep integrity and self awareness – together with the unique support from the equal and one self-discovery group of desteni and destonians walking with me here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself within being reborn, where I think to myself that I am worse of than others and that I need to pity myself.
Fame and desire to be special
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when listening to different music – where I remember how I was to seek for fame – to desire to be seen and to be famous only to serve my ego the way it pleases, through energy surges like with money and sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special and unique, like when I was going into my teens and later on – I would want and crave to be special and to be seldom and unique, I would crucify myself for the cause of being special and “out of order” – in opposition to the rules of the game.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have that linger in the back of my mind that I would tap into – “rejuvenate” my ego’s desire for fame/being special – that would drive me deep into insanity and abuse, under the cover of trying to find myself being a young man with lots to struggle with, and I would simply believe that “ok… my life have been rather difficult, that is how it has to continue” – believing that my life must be hard – then living that.
Today I realize that even though I don’t agree with what is being done (in the world) – I have now a level UNDERSTANDING of the programming of the human mind, I can understand what drives people to doing what they do, and that way understanding is a powerful thing, basically it makes me unable to hate them -I can’t hate someone that I understand – and that makes the human mind and self experience and understanding so – a utterly interesting story.
Let me know if you want to know more about that !
Shift / rebirth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand what I am going into – diving into the unknown – being dependant and independant at once, where I realize that I have gone through some rather huge changes of self and my being, my awareness has changed, the last days, where I find it utterly supportive and kind of “neat” – where I catch myself at drift and going into being very colorful and vivid – where I have to catch myself – slow myself down – breathe – so I don’t go into possessions and basically over speed – crash and burn.
Too hard on self
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself from the example of going into stress and from within “doing many things”, where I fail to take proper care of me, to breathe calmly, to care for my body and my being, where my day becomes stress and the stress allow for nasty thoughts to emerge and make my comprehensive self experience sad, deprived and filled with angst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that being “hard” or “rough” is a goal to achieve – a calling within me, and quite something to be and express, where my definition of hard and rough and tough, is layered within my idea of masculinity, and ego/desire such.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that to be a male means to be macho and tough/rough and brutal on myself and life such.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am pulled like magnetism towards being tough and being hard on self and to push self beyond – where I end up with crashing and burning within and simply need to rest on sofa/collapse from angst and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself through my own hardship/hardness/roughness to the extent that I end up losing touch with who I am as softness, gentleness, innocence, purity, pristine, organized, touch, in tune, sound, expression, water etc. Meaning I drive myself beyond in one angle and end up compromising myself over all with loosing touch the more softer and lighter aspects of self and life.
Anxiety
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my anxiety is not able to be solved like it is a big fuzz-ball, out of logic, of barbwire and sharp metal objects, that is overflowing, within my solar plexus that is being stirred up and making me sour, sad and reactive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to see the solution of my problem, the reason why I feel this deep anxiety within my belly, this time, it’s because I am 40 and single and this fact bothers and makes me sad, rather I should look at what is my options of bettering my living, what can I do in my situation to better my life – to love myself, to simply make up my mind of letting go of the anxiety, and by that see the possibility over time, for others to like me to. If another is supposed to love me – I must first love myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others, that are happily together with a family, job, income, etc things I don’t have, where I must realize that they have their life and I have mine, there is no need for comparison. In fact competing and comparison is one of the MAIN drivers of anxiety and war as we know it in our world. As long as there is competing – there will not be peace. Take that to consideration!
When and as I see myself stuck with anxiety that is without any particular origin or starting point, I stop myself I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that if the anxiety is seemingly “just there” like a overspill of my minds chambers/storage, I can simply decide to delete it, to slow myself down enough, to breathe, find common sense in the physical and let go of the anxiety.
the “no fear” community: https://destonians.com/
self forgiveness and start of self discovery: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
A schizophrenic's journey from consciousness to awareness. In Oneness & Equality! 