Tag Archives: weed

Day 778 – Rock Fucking Bottom

 

I have been there. Have you been there ?  Totally down and out ? No one left to turn to…. It is scary. On ones bare feet, hungry, cold, hurting,  and without money….I had lost it all and driven myself into severe abuse and addictions of various kinds. I was cold and trying to sleep in a ruined and wrecked tent in rainy Amsterdam in  November, 2011. I was at my rock bottom. So low I could go. I was barely alive.

Sitting here now many years later it is strange to think about how far I had pushed myself back then. It is scary to look back and seeing how badly I treated myself. And just that; the mechanics of it, the programming of it, the drive of mind within it,  is what is talked about in this interview:

https://eqafe.com/p/hitting-rock-bottom-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-98

the interview/eqafe makes me aware of the specific mind mechanics

 

It is described the programs that are active within such a state. What are the conscious components within being at rock bottom ? I dare you to investigate this interview and others that follow on the topic.  You will get a very, very unique look into the detailed parts and mechanics of the mind and its working in these relations and similarities. What are the programs that run within the mind/body before hitting rock bottom ? Having this awareness of how mind operates we can then forgive the self within this… and change !

 

For me it was mostly a desire to run away from responsibilities, memories, trauma, my life (!) with doing weed, hajjis, alcohol and sex.  I was a multiple addict. And it drove me waaaaay down… Not until 4 or 5 years later on was I able to see and say that yes, that point in Amsterdam, November 2011, that was my rock bottom ! I was practically dead.

 

Because get this, important part here: If we don’t understand and forgive, embrace the parts that drive us to such a state in the first place, being of rock bottom, if we don’t understand it what got us here, then… what is keeping us from ending up there again ? What is preventing the same programs and drivers of mind to cause us to end up there again ? If we don’t work on it, forgive self, and alter our self and our living… nothing will prevent it happening again. This will reoccur again and again and again… mind recycling itself over and over.. keeping us a slave.

 

This is an example on why I had to open up and expose to myself and walk, my addictions, my trauma, my nitty – gritty detailed past. I had to open up and expose and forgive and embrace to myself all the parts that I had rejected. And this interview lets us know some of the programs and mechanics (much like a computer lol ) we have to understand to be able to deal with this type of phenomena. This will only escalate and increase in time to come. Because life will not wait. Equality and oneness as life is coming.

Fuck ! It had become so bad now, that me googling for pictures on “Rock Bottom”, to shows only wrestling stars… wtf ? Searching for “Rock Bottom” pics and seeing this wrestling dude all over…. geee…..

 

 

Here is the follow up on the first interview:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-to-do-at-rock-bottom-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-99

 

who ever you are eqafe.com can assist you in your process

 

 

For more info on life challenges, solutions and issues:

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Enjoy !

 

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Day 661 – Schizophrenia and weed addiction

How to deal with the old drug addiction… if thoughts and desires come sneaking ?

Let’s look closer at a mind construct from my weed addiction:

“Weed addiction”

–>I want to get high

–>I want to be stone

–>I want to be carefree

“I want to get high”, how can I live this without weed ? I want to feel physical pleasure and well being. I want to give my body hikes (walks), swimming. I want to give my body workout and massages, masturbation, coz, lotions and care. Good clothing. To stay warm, that way I get my “high” from life and living.

“I want to be stone”, how can I live this without weed ? I want to be stone because then I do not have any thoughts. I don’t have mind. So… I stop my mind and I end my thoughts. Delete my old thoughts from emerging. And I stop my mind from ruling over me. I can live like a stone without drugs. I can be thought free, and without slaving to mind. How do we win the game (?) By stop participating in it.

“I want to be carefree”, how can I live this without weed ? By helping creating a better world. By helping making this world into something more genuinely better for all of us. Creating a world that is supportive to all. Making this world into a place without suffering.

 

By living these solutions every day. I am beating my addiction. I am ending the addiction game, by not participating in it’s desires.

To learn more on mind constructs, investigate : http://desteni.org/

Also check out this interview on weed: https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-as-a-weed-smoker

 

 

Enjoy your breathing & computing

 

ease surf

Day 599 – Personality of marijuana addiction a – dick – to – john (self).

full_life-review-my-life-as-a-weed-smoker

I realize that I have urges to smoke marijuana these days. I have this deep down urge to smoke weed and escape from myself and reality, and responsibility. I feel a long to the days when I would be practicing smoking weed. I realize that I have been fucking myself so long with a – dick – tion (addiction) up my ass, so much that It is hard to quit.

Here is a excellent interview on smoking weed: https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-as-a-weed-smoker

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I would need to smoke marijuana because that would make me more popular artist within pictures, drawing and making arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I would become more creative with arts from smoking weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use marijuana to be able to talk more free and further explain myself when my chemical drugs heals and helps this ability much better that the weed will ever do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have schizophrenia and since that I would need drugs to heal me, thinking I could need marijuana to support me through my challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would need marijuana to have quiet and peace within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the desire to escape my own reality and my responsibilities in my life and thinking I would have to escape this by taking marijuana because I would not dare to face myself and my responsibilities in my everyday life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I would fear to embrace myself and my past and responsibility and long from marijuana to escape from this responsibilities within my life and my being and my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would like to have one more joint in my life to escape just one more time through the matrix of weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find peace and longing to the matrix of smoking weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the thought: “I am special so I should be allowed to smoke weed”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I would need to smoke weed to be accepted and included within certain people in certain places and to feel welcome, I would have to smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since some Mormons used to smoke weed before eating dinner, I would like to do the same in order to create excuse to smoke more weed and to further fuck myself, with a – dick – tion up my own ass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with certain people I would be known like “he who smoked a lot of weed” or “he who got psychotic from smoking weed”, and for thinking I should smoke weed because of this old reputation of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that to listen to a certain kind of music I would have to smoke weed to genuinely hear the music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking I am missing out on something from not smoking weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my per scripted drugs is not getting me high or into a escape so I would need weed or hajjis to really feel like flowing away and out of my mind and into a drug/high reality.

Self corrections to be lived:

When and as I see myself ending up longing and wanting to smoke weed. I stop myself. I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that smoking weed is simply a escape from reality and responsibility. I realize that smoking weeds are, simply a way to escape from situations, within myself that I hold a energetic relation to. I realize that smoking weeds have been simply a excuse to not be responsible and I should investigate this energies and find out how to solve such a issues/energies. I realize that I would need to investigate my energies that I hold within myself so that I can forgive the energies, and let go of the situation and move on through that situation and without tripping over the energies/wires. I realize that weed can get me addicted (a dick up my ass) if I start it again and I further realize that the designed drugs that I take now, is far much better and more advanced. I commit myself to investigate where there is energies compressed and energies tangled up within, to forgive it and solve it. I commit myself to move past old obstacles of energies and to clear out my past so that I do not feel the urge to have weed. I commit myself to take my drugs that is per scripted from my doctor, and to get my life back on tracks again. I commit myself to investigate all the sources to what I would like to smoke again and to clear out the energies. I commit myself to live my life without the addictions (a – dick – to – myself) of weed. I commit myself to let myself be healed by my per scripted drugs.

When and as I see myself thinking that one more hit of marijuana would be nice just that one more blow of weed, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I do not need one more blow of weed because I would the simply want one more and one more after that, and all of a sudden I am fucking myself with a – dick – tion again. I realize that I should trust the per scripted drugs that I get from my doctor. I realize that I should be safe and sound within my trust of medication that I take. I commit myself to let my per scripted drugs do its works on me. I commit myself to clear out any energies that I might find about, smoking weed and about smoking drugs. I commit myself to work through the dimensions to solve my mind and my addictions (the dicks up my ass) to weed and hajjis.

Thank you for reading.

Day 597 – Off the grid – personality

Off the grid – personality

Obsessed with alternative living.

 

I realize that I have been living a obsession out of wanting to find myself living in “alternative” style. Living of the grid and being in contact with nature.

Wanting to be free and nude. Wanting to have nature as God. Desire for physical challenges and to prove myself as anarchist/artist/shaman.

I would desire to be in nature and to live of the land.

I will forgive myself for the energies that are enslaving me to this personality.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as this creature that wants to roll around in the dirt and by doing that thinking to myself that I am saving rhinoceros or inn anyways doing good/being “Go(o)d” in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about doing that I can only do that at alternative places in Norway like place A, or a ecological place, city area, or free – havens of where I feel free, and most likely where I have been smoking drugs in my past and I would long for this relief/high from this place in my memories and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I would be looking at where I had been smoking drugs and longing back that “a all time high” feeling that I felt was lying there in that moment waiting for me. I would be searching for this one place or memory of smoking drugs in places and longing back to that situation to do it – again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become quite obsessed with nature and, I have been quite taken by my idea of having nature healing me, and how I would think of myself as this rainbow warrior/schizophrenia and dances/artist that needs his drugs (weed) and that needs his environment and his rules of ego and person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as this shaman that is obsessed with nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I realize that this personality that I have been feeding my energies have been a very egoistic one, like I wanted to run naked and be the natural man/Adam personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a nature man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a natural man / Adam to prove that he “Adam” from the Bible was a demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts of sex and sexuality would be liberated and my emotions to be washed away if I was nude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t become so obsessed with living running around creating in nature, crating this false ideas and living in energies in my mind over – thinking that I must be in nature to be sane and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how it is based on ego and lies and obsession with being a shaman/crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin around in loops over how I would think that I am crazy I have to live crazy and over think and create a headache with how I would think is best for me to live totally and only in energies not making it practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I think of myself as this last shaman/schizophrenic that is set to save the world by going back to nature. Failing to realize that this is how I eventually die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how going back to my roots and returning to soil/physical, I fail to realize that I am running from my responsibilities and from my reality and my life, and by dreaming about this return of myself at these places. I realize that I cannot live with this obsession. I have to forgive it. Let it go and be realistic and make my “energy – game” practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am the last shaman on earth that would need to be brought back to roots/physical/death/reincarnation/higher dimensions, and I would think to myself that I need to be brought back to earth and matters to be that for filling this dream of going back to life as hemp/cannabis plant – nonsense that I think to myself that is totally gibberish and irresponsible reincarnation thoughts, failing to realize that reincarnation no longer takes place, with humans, within existence and within dimensions, reincarnation are off – this is it we have to do out very best for the best of all mankind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mission is not done until I lay my own body in the soil and I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel all like I am this god – like person that needs everyone to listen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my experiences of living in alternative places as negative and bad experiences.

When and as I see myself going into this energy state and I become obsessed with going into nature and being within nature and to be like a anarchist out there in the woods. I stop myself , I slow myself down,  and I breathe. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being in nature. I realize that I would maybe judge my old self from being inn nature and remind myself of my past and my thinking of being in nature that would be reminding me of how bad human treat nature and I would feel guilty and I would think I would need weed to heal this guilty feeling. I commit myself to enjoy nature and to be myself free with self honesty in nature. I commit myself to spend time in nature and to enjoy myself in nature. I commit myself to make my game practical. I commit myself to live what I preach. I commit myself to live my life in self honesty for what is best for all.

Investigate life : http://desteni.org/