Tag Archives: sound

Day 794 – What does the Rhino say ?

So today I have been working with mowing the lawn. It was a very decent job and I quite like that type of work. I was able to use my body and to work up a sweat. Which I enjoy !

After dinner and dishes, I went into my apartment where I live, and where I have my computer, and I felt a bit tired, like after having worked well and eaten well – feeling like resting.

So I thought to myself, what would be nice to listen to now ? Music ? Something else ? While dozing on the sofa ? So I went to the online store of eqafe.com where I have a subscribtion, and I found in the animal’s life review section, the consciousness of the Rhino.

That is right; the two sound files, of the Rhinos consciousness was after a few seconds and clicks, sent to me to listen to. It was the Rhino talking about life, the mind, the physical, the beingness and the breathe….

That is where we are at folks ! That is the type of awareness that is out there, at your fingertips, and that we are able to access. Eqafe.com will blow your mind like nothing have done before. Guaranteed. Give time to eqafe – give time to discover self.

Are you ready for this next level shit ? We are moving… are you with us ?

I literally came home from work and dinner, and I lay down on my sofa and listened to the words that the Rhino want to share with humanity. Pretty fucking awesome huh ! If you listen to it: you know deep within, that it is sound, real and honest.
Here are links :



enjoy !


Day 782 – expanding in the life process



Looking at my current living, where I am, and my livelihood, and how I more or less creative and in consideration define myself to be, I would like to just elaborate on my current process and status. For many years I have defined myself as and within the stigmatizing ground of psychiatry, addictions, and mental illness. I have come to realize that we all, every single fart included of humankind are more or less mentally suffering, being of mind. Stating that I do not close myself into being only psychiatry or that ballpark anyway. How do I define myself today and within walking my process of total change into something more something better and supportive, something of real matter ? It is right there in front of me, like this impression of nature and of detail, and stability, because what am I doing ? I am expanding, including, uniting and cooperating. I discover, reveal and I heal. I learn and I grow. More than anything else. I discover myself, I close down my believes, my fears and my reactions and addictions, by uniting with its origin and life, structure of me is becoming one with the self, and with all that is me.


Within here is stored mega bytes of self forgiveness and persistent walking of my process, embracing self as life and uniting, and even creating more of me, what is discovering of my own expression – my living. I find myself more and more in equilibrium with not only nature as I see it, but me, self as life force, and will to live. I more than ever before,  would like to live till I am over 100 years old lol. There is so much I would like to participate with and further create.


Today more than ever before, I realize my standing and creative ability and life force. My will to go on with projects, chores, responsibility, daring to be a bit of a “clown” perhaps and taking on new challenges in common sense and self awareness. Many have said this before me that it is the nucleus cell and being of ordinary people, that will eventually change this world – because we change: ourselves, our ingrained patterns and behaviors,  first and become one and equal – physical, responsible as being and life force in where we are.

So for me at the moment it is about nurturing myself within slowing down and taking one breathe at the time, to really get this point of expanding and not falling into old destructive patterns of mind.

Today I notice such a simple thing as not daring to ask for a hug, and to embrace self completely, as another, would sort of bring me down, and I know that I could “take on a clown suit” and simply ask bluntly for a hug – and I would be granted so.

Time to embrace the clown from within huh ? To nurture and grow as a playful clown – myself. To rediscover play (and fun) in my daily life.

So in a way it is also about daring and taking that initiative. Being brave sort of. So that I can continue to walk and make progress and learn as I go. Grounding is perhaps a word I am seeking for.

Either way I am proud of who I am today, I have a level of integrity and self respect. I am someone new at the same time reborn as self in the physical. I live to suit the support of life and to expand myself on all areas of progressing and sustainable creation.

Realizing just now, sitting here typing in front of my screen, that, I have had a long history of being for instance dyslectic. I have still difficulties with writing  by hand – and reading it later. School was not my thing lol. But I will not blame the system – because the system is me. I created it. Together with for instance you. So it is a process of uniting, embracing and forgiving, bringing back to self all parts that I has separated myself from and made into mind fucks and loops, recycling the mind junk. Today I embrace it and bring it back to me- to oneness and equality.


Thanks for reading !


These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof







Day 736 – emotional target

carrying the blueprint of schizophrenia – more easy emotional target of mind



photo from Karlsøya, Troms, 2008 (?)


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak and fragile, and for more easy take on energies such as anxiety from my daily living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get over anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim in some strange game of life where I fail to see that I make these choices myself from within and how I chose to live my life breath by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could delete my schizophrenia in total by forgiving all its components something i am doing, and untill i have done this i will easy be a target for emotions to knock me out in my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself into a easy pray for emotions/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how i make a choice in choosing to take on energies and emotions or components within and how i am the one making these choices – i must take responsibility for it, move forgive and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is a very firm and “made” fact that since i have schizophrenia i more easy sway into emotions, failing to realize that anything is possible and i am a creator of this world to crate my own destiny.



Here I talk about schizophrenia and my insights










Day 670 – the word is : uncertain


@ desteni we are living words : to live words is to pick a word or a phrase and really, investigate the word. Study it, sound it, write it and work on it. Words are sacred, even though this is not that much lived today in our normal day to day life – but they are – sacred. How we live our lives today is based on what words we stand on/carry with us.


I have quite a hard time to making decisions. Decisions,  make me uncertain and filled with doubt  and indecisiveness. It is quite a troubling experience with me to make a description at all. – So I was asked by my dear buddy within desteni, to investigate this word “uncertain”.


first I would fear to live this world thinking “oh no bad stuff will happen to me”, “bad karma” etc… or I will make bad decisions in my life because I live this word. feeling direct fear from my experience of this word.

Then I realized that I am actually dealing with myself and my inner world as I live this word since that – hey  this word is my issue.  “uncertainty” – working on it, living it  makes senses of it, because this word of many words,  makes me go into fear and reactions.


So… I am currently walking uncertain, and oh -boy has it have it been  door opener so far. Let me tell you… first I went into thinking “I need control” and feeling this urge to have “control” or to gain control within my life over uncertainty. So that was one thing that opened up like a polarity. I have earlier worked with this word “control”, trying to get even with myself on the terms of control, what control  is, so that was a wakening up call. Later now, I feel like I am more lost in resonance of uncertainty. I feel like uncertainty is like this bubble within me of air, a air bubble within my head.

So the word is


un – satan

under – stand

Working on this word makes me humble to life. Working on this word makes me realize what gifts is stored with working on words. This word uncertain hold many a gift to me. what words are you living (?)  – and most important of all: are you investigating them ?

I started to work on this word because I have such a hard time to make a particular decision within  my life. So my buddy told me to investigate it. uncertain. I am glad I did. I am living uncertain.

There is no right or wrong – there is only denial of what is here.

If you could imagine start living and investigating words check out S.O.U.L – school of ultimate living – and  have a  nice day.



a wall painting i did in 2011

Day 656 – Living words : Balance

At desteni we are : LIVING WORDS

Check out links: http://wiki.destonians.com/Living_Word

& http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=147


Here I am taking on the word: Balance

Living words: balance



Current allocation: I would think of a juggler, juggeling with balls. I would think of balancing my breathe through the highs and lows of energies. I would balance the triangle within my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I would think I need balance to not fall over and tilt just from standing straight up. I think of balance as something I need of natural law. Balancing things on top of each other. I think of balance as a natural and universal law. I would associate balance with skills and with preformance. I would think of balance as this thing or construct that is in balance from before and that needs to be further in balance from how something else is in balance. Balance is like a state and a fundamental law.


Dictionary Definition: balance

  1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
  2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.
  3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
  4. a state of bodily equilibrium:

He lost his balance and fell down the stairs.

  1. an instrument for determining weight, typically by the equilibrium of a bar with a fulcrum at the center, from each end of which is suspended a scale or pan, one holding an object of known weight, and the other holding the object to be weighed.
  2. the remainder or rest:

He carried what he could and left the balance for his brother to bring.

  1. the power or ability to decide an outcome by throwing one’s strength, influence, support, or the like, to one side or the other.



balance (v.)

1570s, “be equal with,” from balance (n.). Meaning “bring or keep in equilibrium” is from 1630s; that of “keep oneself in equilibrium” is from 1833. Of accounts, from 1580s. Related: Balanced; balancing. Balanced meal, diet, etc. is from 1908.

balance (n.)

early 13c., “apparatus for weighing,” from Old French balance (12c.) “balance, scales for weighing,” also in the figurative sense; from Medieval Latin bilancia, from Late Latin bilanx, from Latin (libra) bilanx “(scale) having two pans,” possibly from Latin bis “twice” + lanx “dish, plate, scale of a balance.” The accounting sense is from 1580s; the meaning “general harmony between parts” is from 1732; sense of “physical equipoise” is from 1660s. Balance of power in the geopolitical sense is from 1701. Many figurative uses (such as hang in the balance, late 14c.), are from Middle English image of the scales in the hands of personified Justice, Fortune, Fate, etc.



Sounding of the word:

ball once

ball bounce

ball Hans

ball hands


ballan hans (Norwegian for: his balls)



Negative: I would fear to have unbalance on my credit card or fear to fall out of balance and to fall in physical from standing up.

Positive: This is a very positive word to me. It is like fundamental positive and a strong word. I am depending on this word. I am reliant to this word to live my life. It is a very supportive word to me.

Creative writing:

Balance is like a fundament of nature. A universal law sort of. I have drifted from balance into all sorts of issues. I need to have balance with my life. Balance is like, to rely on something so strongly that it will improve oneness progress. Balance is that non – movement and stills stand of calm and ease. Balance simply is. Balance is that unique way of structuring things. This world with its humans is lacking balance. This world needs balance so badly, so there is no wonder why there is so much war, abuse and separation going on. No wonder that there is so much difficulties going on as long as we have no balance. Balance is so badly needed, and I use this word to heal. I live this word, flow through it with my breathe and my senses. I live it with balancing my thoughts and feelings and emotions. I would live this word, and realize myself as this word. I would associate with this word and think of what I compare to this word. I realize how I write “I would” – with relating to this word. So there is something fundamental that I would do if I was living this word in my real or honesty or in virtue. Balance has deep roots with equality. And with being rooted or grounded. Balance is like to have a good self trust. Balance is to be calm and at ease. Balance is like to find myself, and to have a place of balance to empower from. I see balance as a my drug. I see myself carrying out some activity and doing some sort of work where I would rush for that one second and I would sort of loose balance, within the split of a second. This world is in colaps and it is crashing. So we are in system speaking, very out of balance today. So we need to find balance, a functional economy, and equality. That would change things – after the collapse. Further I would need to balance my days, with what I do to give the world balance i need to be in balance. Make food, vacume, go to gym, or just walk, read a book, writ a blog, do the dishes, and so on. I need a balance in what I do. I need different things to fill my day with. A balance. In this world that is so much out of balance, I need to be in balance. I need to be in balance, from how this world with its governments, wars, abuse, separation etc… is out of balance I need to be in balance.



Balance is when different elements and substance are cooperating into creating a solution that is best for all, reliant on the other to exist in equilibrium.








Day 651 – Epigenetics

Epigenetics – inherited trauma/memories, trans-generational epigenetic inheritance, memories passed on to us from our parents.

So this “hot” topic of epigenetic, that separates scientist, about having memories inherited from parents and grandparents. It have been told that we can inherit memories from our for – fathers. Is this so ? Can I relate on a personal/physical basis ? Is it just emotions or is it valid inherited “trauma” and memories from DNA ?



Let’s find out.

This calls for a story. A story about my grandparents, living in Norway, in the 1940’s. My mother’s parents. They have both past away now. Story goes back to WW2. And how my grandparents where on the Nazi – Germany side during the 2nd world war. Since they were on the German side during that war, my grandfather was thrown into prison after the war. And I know that he experienced a nervous breakdown at that point in his life. He was in prison in Norway in 1945/46 about and he experiences a nervous breakdown in prison.

Here I look into myself and study my memories of my grandfather I find these pictures of him in a cell/prison, in a bad condition, he is having a break down. I see this very clear to myself that he is suffering. Now. This you could say is simply empathy with him and a sense of “love” or connection to him. But I see this picture so strong within myself that I start to experience his pain/trauma.

For what is a memory ? It is sounds and energies, developed into pictures and movies, stored on our physical and mind.


To me it is more than a story being told. To me it is real time experience seeing these pictures of him suffering in prison. I experiencing it very mush real with my physical.

So this is then stored in my DNA. Guess what; we humans still don’t, own our own DNA. This DNA ownership – is worthy of investigation.  That is how “they” can patent life and so on.  I would think that through developing water crystal , memory, emoto and iridology would also be able to help us clear out of past and to figure out some answers. What is what. There is a long way to go.


So how to deal with these pictures and traumas ? Best medication there is. Self forgiveness. Because there is still my emotional experience of my grandfather going through nervous breakdown – within me.


What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity and to feel bad for my grandfather picturing him in prison, and I realize that his pain back then – is very real to me and my physical living today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity my grandfather and for thinking he was harmed or hurt and I would pity him from this punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go back to this memory of my grandfather having a nervous breakdown in prison, and I would think it is in my DNA and it is stored like a trauma within my being.


desteni.org bennedicte



Day 646 – Living words: change

How to live the word change ? Inn a world that most defiantly need both huge and small time change how do we live this word change to its greatest ?

What is my allocation change? To me change is something new that is replacing something else, something that is a replacement. Change is a substitute and something that replaces something. So in this world there is lots of change going on. So how to value change in its best form ? To value the cool change the good change and the change that is best for all.


Dictionary definition:


change :


  1. 1. make or become different.
  2. 2. take or use another instead of.





change (n.)

  1. 1200, “act or fact of changing,” from Anglo-French change, Old French change “exchange, recompense, reciprocation,” from changier (see change (v.)).



sounding of word:


she – hangs

chen – guest

chen – guess



Polarity of word:

I would associatenegative on this word to think that there is not enough changes in this world. There should be more rapid changes and further changes, for the best of all life, in this world.


Positive, I associate that typical change that are best for all, is cool changes I like those changes that are best for all. I cherish them.



Creative writing:

Changes are very much like chain reactions. Like a stream of money (changes) and like the pearl or pieces of a neck less. The petals of a flower symbolizes changes to me, or coins that are changing hands. It is almost like changes are a chain reaction in itself. Changes are still very physical and it is like to change direction within and, change one tone of speaking or change ones approach. Change ones pants. Particularly I would like to emphasis the direction from introversion that is driving change, so within so without.

Re- definition of word:

Changes is something to occur, in advance of oneness first physical point and matter or direction.