Tag Archives: schizo

Day 760 – My voices in my head

A relationship between me and my voices

 

girl face

drawing by:  Tormod Hvidsten Gjedrem

 

This is very clinical about my voices*

 

I realize that I have been living a pattern. A particular pattern concerning my thoughts/backchats/voices. Many times I have experienced voices and “loud” thoughts. Sometimes I experience these as very scary messages. They come from within myself and is a direct result of my schizophrenia/programming. They are my responsibility to handle, heal and/or live with.

It can be tough sometimes. Here; it is my relationship to the word “tough” that I need to look at, to not fuel the mind and the voices further. I hope you get the picture. Feel free to contact me if you don’t.

 

A peculiar thing is that have characterized my voices like saying that this particular voice is “scary”, or it is “bad” or “evil”. I would give energies/characterization and fuel/power to the voices/thoughts, by sorting them out to myself. I would give this voice the characterization of horror or hell, wicked, spiteful  or evil …. and so on.

 

What I have not seen and realized before now is that,  by characterizing and giving the voices energy/verdict, I give them fuel. I grant them access in my mind and in my head through energies. Voices in  my head – granted to be there – acting out because I gave them the specific energy to burn with, like fuel on a engine. Running crazy in my head with voices – because I give the voices a certain energy, by characterizing it.

This buck stops right here !

I will stop feeding my voices/thoughts with energies. I don’t need to characterize my voices, rather deal with them in self honesty, self responsibility and what is best for all. I will expose my schizophrenia and share what I find. I will support myself through this process as best I can.

 

self forgiveness on the point :

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give voices and thoughts in my head and in my mind certain energies and characterizations, like a value or fuel for the thought/voice to be and function in my head, of how I experience it out of my pre programming, and then giving it a purpose with how I place value on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize why I have voices in my head, I had forgiven them, failing to see and realize that I judged and characterized the voice that was in my head and by that fueling it more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to characterize my voices out of how I am programmed to value, judge and criticize everything around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to appreciate me here, and Instead give into energies and voices in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-lie-ve that I have to attach value to my voices and to characterize them, from old habit,  when this only fuels them with more power.

 

 

self commitment:

I commit myself to not give judging or characterization to my voices, as it will only fuel more voices in my head.

I commit myself to appreciate me here as life and to not “feed” my thoughts/voices with energies.

my video on this point:

 

Thanks for reading !

 

Please give time to the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

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Day 758 – Desire to be admired

I have been made aware of a desire within that have been creating conflict within me lately. I have a desire to be admired and to have status. But I have not given myself the chance to live this in real time.

So how does this play out ? For instance I have been suppressing and making “bad” my genuine expression. You might say sexual expression.  I fear to be 100% me without bias and judgment from within. So when it comes to sex, it is all about slowing down lol.. So that is also my clue. To slow down and be myself and not judge myself or go into thinking that my expression is wrong or un-cool in any way. Thinking that sex and expression is what media serves us of characters. Whoever it might be this week. It is porn and fame it is not my thing. Failing to realize that hey  (!) just that observation there of how we are programmed to think lesser of our self and our bodies because of cultural programming – which is a crying shame. And just that shame point I have take on. Judging myself and my expression as wrong or bad. Not seeing that this is hard core programming and design, of thoughts, mind and relationships () – hardwired of mind design.

I would for instance  feel a urge to dance more. To be more present when I move. To have grace. I need to be more with myself when I move my body.  And I could also “need” to let go of many needs lol. And let this come more naturally like my expression from within, and not force it out…

I have then a desire to be admired. If I need to be admired then admiring will come to me. So I need to live like there is no separation from this word admire. If I have a energetic relationship to this word “admire” – then those energies is causing stress within me. Like tripping wires. I sure hope you can see this. I need to live this word like any other word that I can embody. It must come naturally and not by me pushing and stressing about it.

 

tormodkjolestavanger

self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and almost addict to a imagination and idea of being admired, where within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this desire and then become totally embarrassed and scared, thinking (backchats within mind) “This is not me”, “I am not Hollywood”, “I am a loon and a clown”  – literally creating my own believe (be-lie-ve) within nasty backchats in my head, and suppress and reject the desired idea,  and create conflict with my wanting to be admired and to have status.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself pile up a lot of suppression and denial within and then dive into this soup of emotions and lose myself within it going pretty deep into depression within so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of give into the nasty backchats in my mind and loose myself into emotions and believes of how my life should be, according to pre-programming, I must rather support myself and being with myself, give myself time to breathe,  in a common sense manner, to treat myself good and to embrace myself 100 %.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of going into stress and fear and make my pro – blames even bigger, I must make arrangements within, of commonsense, and to slow down my tempo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated to mention my sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for my sexual expression.

 

self corrections:

When and as I see myself  going into denial or suppression of my desire and want to be admired and to have status, I stop myself, I breathe, and I level with what is here. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being admired and to have status. If I can deliver what is best for all it is rather cool and a nice thing. This world obviously needs good leaders. I realize that I have lived a glam and fame/fashion kind of idea of being admired. I realize that I have a pre – programmed idea of being admired.

I commit myself to de school and delete my pre-existing definitions of being admired and to have status. I commit myself to redefine being admired.

 

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 736 – emotional target

carrying the blueprint of schizophrenia – more easy emotional target of mind

 

karlsoy

photo from Karlsøya, Troms, 2008 (?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak and fragile, and for more easy take on energies such as anxiety from my daily living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get over anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim in some strange game of life where I fail to see that I make these choices myself from within and how I chose to live my life breath by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could delete my schizophrenia in total by forgiving all its components something i am doing, and untill i have done this i will easy be a target for emotions to knock me out in my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself into a easy pray for emotions/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how i make a choice in choosing to take on energies and emotions or components within and how i am the one making these choices – i must take responsibility for it, move forgive and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is a very firm and “made” fact that since i have schizophrenia i more easy sway into emotions, failing to realize that anything is possible and i am a creator of this world to crate my own destiny.

 

 

Here I talk about schizophrenia and my insights

enjoy:

 

 

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.org/