The other day I started to read the Bible. I wrote about this on a mailing list on internet, asking others to join me. One of the first mail I had in return was negative, about me going to read the Bible. The person was telling me to not read it. I was instantly triggered, very deep. I was seeing all the Christian teachings and gatherings with l the old aunties and old fashioned people, conservatives, and so on, that I would call as Christians inn my upbringing. I would see the images from back then, live in my mind. I would then bring these images and energies, to blame and judge this person that was negative to me. Victimizing myself and blaming that person.
I would see all this in flashed and pictures and go into victimization and blame over this. I went into victimization and blame only over this one single mail. And I forgot to consider the other people that was commenting on my mail in support of me. I was having lots of support. There was several people posting on my tread that supported me and wanted me to go on and that wanted to participate in the project of reading the Bible. But I was blind in reactions.
So I was triggered into hate, victimization and blame over one mail when there was so many others mails that where supportive to me.
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.
– June Roca
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the hatred from my upbringing over at this person answering my mail, and for going into anger over this persons reply.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go be triggered and go completely into hate and fear like a caged wild animal over being told to not do something I was looking forwards to do and to study.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin around in this hate and not daring to touch in on my old memories, denying it, and ignoring the spots of locations, of church groups etc where I participated when I was a young child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up those memories because there was so much suppressed hate and fear within those memories that I felt sick to my stomach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for placing hatred on church groups and religions groups and at the same time want to read the Bible, which is sort of a contradiction in itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the several other of people, that wrote to support me and that wrote in favor of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see all the cool support that I was given and just blindly following my reactions and victimization, simply following the energy rides within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a, b and c and others from how they where rising me back in the days, when I was growing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to realize that the very reason I want to read the Bible is to understand why my up-bring is that way it is, and why this world functions the way it does and so on, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the conservative people from my childhood in fear of what I might say to them if I should meet them today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to curse those buildings and those places where I was going to church education etc, where I then start to wonder what happened when I curse something and from that seeing that I could perhaps find answers in the Bible.
When and as I see myself going into reactions and going totally blind over one thing, not seeing common sense. I stop myself, I bring myself back to breathe and I slow myself down. I realize that reactions makes me blind and at those time it is difficult to see what is right to do. I realize that I should always avoid reactions, I can detect if I am in a reaction, I should avoid reactions always. I realize that I should, ground myself in breathe and loosen up the energies with self forgiveness if I end up in a reaction.
I commit myself to step down and out of reactions.
I commit myself to self authority on this point.
I commit myself to be my own guide and directive principle and avoid all reactions.
I commit myself to realize that reactions are like a disease, conflict, and pain.
- thank you for reading – enjoy your day !