Tag Archives: programming

Day 754 – Schizophrenia and Eczemas

Schizophrenia and Eczemas

I was recently in the Canary Islands on a vocation with my parents and two of their grand children. It was a outmost congenial experience, over all,  and I grew quite a lot within my walking process, particularly the last days on the Islands. On the way home from the Canaries to Norway,  I had a very fine concentration/living experience of self. I was like in the “zone” like I was “zen” and all transcended lol. I was living the word “discipline” and really seeing new stuff both within myself, of my mind, and also experiencing really nice movement within.


Bilder fra iphone 479.JPG

sunshine photo from Bragdøy 2014


It was just as if it was too good to be true. And to my programming – it was.


– What you live today and tomorrow is determining the future you will have – eqafe.com


I have always had eczemas. I grew out of it in my teens and I grew (back) into it later in my early 20’s. if you would like a honest, view of eczemas please check out this link about why we have eczemas.


I was on the bus, with my family,  towards, the air port in Las Palmas. It was a 40 minutes drive. I was able to balance my skin with sun block, since my  pink/whatever skin had taken on lots of sunshine. I was starting to experience eczemas on my shoulders and upper arms, from sudden lots of sunshine. It itched. Sitting on a bus, and later for  5 hours on a plane, did not do things much better for my itch.


When we later arrived home at my parents place, to sleep that night, I decided to have shower. In the back of my head/mind a backchat started to present itself, when I made myself ready to shower: “burn yourself”, “you should burn yourself on your skin – to not itch”. I undressed and entered the shower with being somewhat (?) aware of my backchat telling me to burn myself with shower. I have chosen to burn myself with hot water a few times before, showering,  to be able to avoid scratching and itching. It was (really) one or the other evil. Either to scratch and itch myself, or to burn myself with water.  I was in the shower and the hot water would burn my itch away, leaving me in a sort of orgasmic/emotional-relief state of “wounded”. Like a personality of being battled and bruised. It was pretty warm water, and I was red like a lobster after the shower lol.




So I chose the burn over the scratch. What I SHOULD have done, that is easy to see now,  was to say neither of these two evils, STOP (!) right here:  I would like to add my doctor prescribed crème please!  That sentence of common sense should have made my day, but it did not make it; or … I was not aware and slowing down enough to see and block this desire to burn/scratch myself. I should have dealt with the nasty backchat in the moment before taking a  shower. But I was in a hurry. The program  was to hard wired within me.


The eczema programming nailed me !


Later I felt bad… oh so bad…. lots of self judgment…

Next day I  made a (new) testimony to not burn myself in the shower again.

Now my skin is healing, and I am getting back to my track of where I was before the burning. But this was definitely a step – back within and without.


I realize that I should be able to slow down more, before concluding with self to take a shower, to change my activity – that is truly my alert point. I should have marked it with a flag point, within mind programming, if  I see that my old mind  is driving  me to abuse and energies, from changing activity.

So I learn from this to take things sloooowwwer. To sort out nasty backchats and to see it come. I should have had that fine tuning, acumen, to see it coming from the back of my mind/head.  I need to be in charge of my own awareness; being, mind and body.  If I can have the directive principle of self as here, and slow the fuck down, when doing shit, I can really move faster in my process, in the metaphysics as well as in physical real time. I have seen this lots of times with self  – change is here.

Where are you ?

Interested in what I am doing – how I write/what I write about  ? Feel free to contact me


Enjoy breathe !














Day 730- Personality of jumping away from self investigation

I realize that I have been living a polarity/personality of jumping further before a job is done.  I have this personality of not wanting to go deep on a point and rather jump conclusions and skip going deep into investigation of myself.

It is like i have been bouncing away from my mind and my issues.


It have been playing out like this: Typically I  am faced with a multidimetional mind problem. A problem that has layers and all sorts of connections and energies attached. Once I figure out a part of it, I tend to jump further, or once I face a  wall or resistance I jump away. I skip the rest of the assignment.  This is a pattern I learned in school. I would skip the difficult math assignments and  not make a deal out of it.  I would jump  tasks to not have to face problems or challenges. This is now haunting me today, with how I work on mind and internal issues, walking my desteni I process. Facing every bit of myself. Taking on myself and becoming responsible within so.

I will release these points with self forgiveness, to be able to take responsibility for real and not run away.

I see that this is a personality that have developed for sabotaging school work, not fitting in and wanting to skip school work.

Self forgiveness is best read out loud:

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to feel like jumping away from self investigation and self responsibility, from fearing to face my deep self and to fear to take responsibility for my own creation and to really dive into the core issue of me.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to within my mind, like a mind fuck, jump away from my school work and my issues, like I don’t want to handle my issues that they might seem dark or weary, and how I would jump or run away from my issues.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to be amazed over how fast and how authentic mind can jump from one situation to another and simply just leave me in gazing at mind and just living in that blissful mind fuck/not real.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to take on from school like a defense/sabotaging tool of jumping over what in school I could not manage, and to skip those parts I found to difficult and jump to next assignment particular in mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to jump in school assignment and the later in life when things got tough I would jump that to and skip the difficult/emotional parts.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the difficult parts in my life and to not want to dive in there but close it off and jump away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I have blamed others (my parents) for how I have been skipping things (school work) in my life, not taking in everything  but jumping from here to there to here again and not being responsible but jumping away from my issues/problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the emotions I experienced and attached with the picture of myself sitting crying in despair over school issues, and assignments, and to feel how hurt I was back then, and from this basis give myself a excuse to skip assignments and chores and to jump from my responsibility, and mind questions,  also today.

Self corrections:

When and as I see myself faced with a issue and a problem at hand, I stop myself I slow myself down, and I breathe.  I realize that I should provide myself the time and opportunity to work through any point, and not jump and skip simply from facing friction or difficulties and I should rather become responsible within so, stand and correct the point.

I realize that this might be a difficult point for me since I have lived it so much for a long time, but I will correct myself, because I have today the opportunity to create a honnest foundation for my eternal existential being, meaning after this life. (So within –  so without). I will investigate and I will not jump away from old habit.

my video on the topic :




art by me !


thank you !

Day 693 – Black & White

Black & White



Black and white. Good and bad, right and wrong, red and blue… dividing us, separating us with lies… (be – lie – ves) from programming.

There is very many subliminal and direct messages served to us on a daily basis. The shifting between black and white and chessboard design where patterns and trickery that we see, playing on our programming, especially on the (TV) screen is massive.

We are tough to be-lie-ve that light (white) is something to cherish and to follow. We are singing songs about to follow the light.

We are programmed (!!) in school and by parents to believe in the light. To favor the white light. We are told stories about God/Jesus/ etc and The Devil/bad and so on. We are thought that white light is good and darkness is bad and evil. We are tough to suppress and hide/deny darkness, and to cherish and praise the light.


From mainstream media we can see how news from Afghanistan, Kenya, Sudan, Nepal etc…. are not equally important to us… or that is how we are raised to be-lie-ve. This turns into the egoism of racism.

There is very, very much deceive with the white light. Consciousness is white light energy that wants to live eternally. We force yourself to live by the light and we are thought by school and system to serve consciousness and to serve the old systems of abuse. The old lies from yesterday.


We are told to praise and follow the light, a light who makes us blind and then we are robbed and murdered because we are walking blind. Blinded by light, robbed and killed by greed and egoism again: because we are weakened and blind.

I suggest this is something to investigate for everyone.

Do you want to live and slave by consciousness (thoughts, reactions, personalities, imaginations, backchats, fears) or not ? Do you know what consciousness is ? Do you know what it does? Do you have consciousness defined to yourself ? I suggest to have  a clear understanding of what consciousness is… and how you have been living it.

One thing is certain:

If you are to work on psychology on self and to walk off some data and mind, unschooling of self and face some internal demons, you most likely have to work through some darkness. You will find yourself as you have to embrace that darkness within and forgive it and live the change.

When it comes down to it, light is just light and darkness is just darkness. No need to complicate it. But truth is that we are complicated it is a difficult puzzle – but anyone can walk it. And sooner or later we all must walk it and become free of all our programming.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat something different or to act different if i see or experience black or white and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach positivity to light and negativity to darkness and to separate the two, from my be – lie – ves that I as they must be in separation as of thoughts and “how it is suppose to be”.







Day 666 – understanding god – self corrections

This is a continuation of the post: Day 664 and Day 665

Here I am writing self corrections to myself from previous post, enjoy:

When and as I see myself taking on this word; “dumb” or “stupid” or “weird” “idiot”- I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I am not dumb, stupid or particular weird. I realize that I have been living this program within backchats for a loooong time. I realize that this pattern is deep rooted within my mind and my emotional feeling body. I realize I am not dumb. I realize words like “dumb”, “stupid”, “idiot” etc is like words of a bully and mockery. I realize that I have been bullied quite bad when growing up, but that is of my past, and I have to equalize this relationship.

I commit myself to open up my past of energies and psychology, and to work on myself to forgive all my tripping wires from within.

I commit myself to let go of these words, as they serve no good. I commit myself to delete that backchat and to change myself in relation to my backchats.

I commit myself to delete and trash all these types of brainwashing, and be-lie-ve systems to call it out when I see it and to stand through it al.

I commit myself to let go of blame and judgment of parents from this programming.

I commit myself to have a certain, and clear and confident relationship to these words: Stupid, dumb, idiot, and weird – where I see they are words of bullying and mockery, not of support.


When and as I see myself ending up in a tradition or any form of religious setting, where “god” is mentioned or worshipped where I am asked to participate, I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I can moderate my participation and sort of direct my activity of so, and to leave out the words, or don’t sing etc, whatever suits me that is common sense. I realize that I very often feel a split within as of taking part in religious traditions. I realize that I should self find a solution to stand with and as.

I commit myself to find best for all solutions. I commit myself to practice common sense with these events/traditions.


girl face


Day 664 – Understanding god



I have been living with a emotional reactive pattern from waaay back in my child hood. A backchat within my head, little demon thoughts in my mind, as of present.

From childhood suppressing I live today with specific backchats within my very mind and being. Thoughts/bakchats of blame and guilt, and emotions.

It goes back to being a young boy, and not understanding the concept of “GOD”. I don’t understand the concept of god, being 5,6 years etc… so I start thinking less/inferior about myself. I started this emotional play of being “stupid” and “dumb” to my own awareness. Calling myself a idiot.

This goes into my schooling specifically within the subject of mathematics. I start to do mistakes in school, in math and language. So I see, I drag with me the error of not understanding “god”, into math and language. Doing wrong and spinning in it. Not getting out of it before… 20 – 30 years later; today.

All that pain…


I enroll within my characters of being dumb or stupid from school/child programming. I think to myself that I am stupid and dumb/weird/different. And I am terrified at the same time. I am terrified that this should leak out and that people should hear about myself thinking about myself that I am “stupid” or “dumb” from not being able to accept that there is/is not a god. I am shit scared that someone where to know what I tell myself in my thoughts. I tell myself I am dumb and I am stupid in my thinking. This is also at the same time my schizophrenic mind growing on me. And I suppress it all. Deep, deep down within my physical and being. Waaay below. I suppress all this from not being able to live with the fact that I can’t understand or grasp the concept of god.  I see that I abandon myself and separate myself out of fear from being seen by others as different.What fucking’s pity to grow up like that.

I would fear that these thoughts would be picked up by someone else. But it is then that fear; that is visible. It is from this fear of being spotted, that made me into a victim of bullying. Fear is visible. Dogs can smell it. Yet it is a illusion and it does not exist. Just like g..



Self forgiveness in next post..


Day 662- Bible reading (re) action

The other day I started to read the Bible. I wrote about this on a mailing list on internet, asking others to join me. One of the first mail I had in return was negative, about me going to read the Bible. The person was telling me to not read it. I was instantly triggered, very deep. I was seeing all the Christian teachings and gatherings with l the old aunties and old fashioned people, conservatives, and so on, that I would call as Christians inn my upbringing. I would see the images from back then, live in my mind. I would then bring these images and energies, to blame and judge this person that was negative to me. Victimizing myself and blaming that person.


I would see all this in flashed and pictures and go into victimization and blame over this. I went into victimization and blame only over this one single mail. And I forgot to consider the other people that was commenting on my mail in support of me. I was having lots of support. There was several people posting on my tread that supported me and wanted me to go on and that wanted to participate in the project of reading the Bible. But I was blind in reactions.


So I was triggered into hate, victimization and blame over one mail when there was so many others mails that where supportive to me.



What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the hatred from my upbringing over at this person answering my mail, and for going into anger over this persons reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go be triggered and go completely into hate and fear like a caged wild animal over being told to not do something I was looking forwards to do and to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin around in this hate and not daring to touch in on my old memories, denying it, and ignoring the spots of locations, of church groups etc where I participated when I was a young child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up those memories because there was so much suppressed hate and fear within those memories that I felt sick to my stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for placing hatred on church groups and religions groups and at the same time want to read the Bible, which is sort of a contradiction in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the several other of people, that wrote to support me and that wrote in favor of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see all the cool support that I was given and just blindly following my reactions and victimization, simply following the energy rides within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a, b and c and others from how they where rising me back in the days, when I was growing up.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to realize that the very reason I want to read the Bible is to understand why my up-bring is that way it is, and why this world functions the way it does and so on, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the conservative people from my childhood in fear of what I might say to them if I should meet them today.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to curse those buildings and those places where I was going to church education etc, where I then start to wonder what happened when I curse something and from that seeing that I could perhaps find answers in the Bible.


When and as I see myself going into reactions and going totally blind over one thing, not seeing common sense. I stop myself, I bring myself back to breathe and I slow myself down. I realize that reactions makes me blind and at those time it is difficult to see what is right to do. I realize that I should always avoid reactions, I can detect if I am in a reaction, I should avoid reactions always. I realize that I should, ground myself in breathe and loosen up the energies with self forgiveness if I end up in a reaction.


I commit myself to step down and out of reactions.

I commit myself to self authority on this point.

I commit myself to be my own guide and directive principle and avoid all reactions.

I commit myself to realize that reactions are like a disease, conflict, and pain.


  • thank you for reading – enjoy your day !


Day 621– 21 days trial of ending blabbering – Day 3

Day 3 of not talking nonsense / not needed to be talked, words. Everything we do has a consequence. Everything we say contribute to shaping us/the world.


I have been going into anger points recently over not talking calmly to myself like telling myself like “so so”, ” it will be ok”, lulling myself into a idea that things will be ok later on and there is hope etc.

I have been ending the comfy almost lies of better days and tomorrows when tomorrows may still be another day with pain and suffering, inn many ways to many people.

I have been going straight into anger reactions over this lack of cozy lulling in of calming myself with words. And do you know something… words are sacred. Not holly but: sacret, and innocent. So the anger points that I have been facing have been severe and brutal and honest like to be mad at religions in this world etc, how I realize religion is simple lies and corruption of psychology, how we allow authorities like police to bully us etc… anger! And I see that I must direct it all back to myself, and my own responsibility. I must be able to forgive my anger and let go of reactions and end the friction.

The last days I have ended, I have stopped talking calmly and gentle to myself like supporting myself or creating this layer of “lies” or “hope” within me, telling myself that there will be better times. When it is still a tough next day, and the abuse goes on 24/7 – this is part of my contribution to world/self change.

I remain steady on my course to not talk gibberish or nonsense/lies to myself for 21 days. I will only speak when I need to.

Like now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am too hard on myself on what words I should allow myself and what not, realizing in that moment that I am awakening pain points on my body that I can work with, within this I realize that I must let self honesty be the ruler of what I say and what I don’t say, and remain within this self honesty and the directive it holds, and stand my ground of self honesty and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over how my mind is proving, shaping and expanding, in front of me trying to make me impressed with its acrobatics and mind fuckings, and I realize that my mind does this as a result of me realizing how self manipulating I have been talking blabbering to myself for ages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see within my mind and myself that I faced resistance and points of conflict and anger not being dealt with as my mind/myself reacting to the changes due to my 21 day trial.

investigate : http://desteni.org/

have a nice day