Tag Archives: pre programe

Day 616 – Personality of “letting my mind wonder”

I have this personality of letting my mind drift and dream – take control of me. I can be lying on the sofa and reading a book, and then my mind would convince my ego to go “for a spin of thoughts”, imagining and fantasying about socializing intimacy, girls coffee cups, discussion,  desires, meeting and power games, mind games and so on.

This personality plays out like giving into positive polarity my ideas of what to do in a city and who to talk to what, to wear etc… what cool stuff could happen to me, and at the same time, unconsciously on the down side of it I would be suppressing the negative polarity, my history of drug abuse and my many, many girl friends that I have had and so on suppressing the negative making it a harder blow to my guts as I would realize I was fucked over by my own ego, and personality of “letting my mind wonder” – not being responsible.

That is right. I let my mind drift, giving into my desires and then “boom”: ego is in charge as I let myself be suited by consumer ideas, and desires. Typically from dreaming of city life and the business and socializing with being in the cities that is near to me.


What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into ego thinking “I desire a break/reward” as I lay on the sofa forgetting the easy triggered thought, that would only guide me into more thinking eventually spinning the Ferris wheel and ending up in obsession or possession in my mind over desires or ego/mind/pictures/games/fucks within my head and through my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that this typically mind game starts with judging and blaming banks & bankers from the scam that they push through every day from there I try to picture solutions and new ideas to the old scam, failing to realize I should do this in real time and talk to people on solution but also first let them know what scam is being pulled on us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself paint the word “corruption, and scam and lies” on the walls of government, church and banking, where I judge and blame the people who work there, that appreciate it, without any further purpose than negativity and blame, making my purpose and solutions harder and more difficult to bring forth in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create distrust between myself and the bank, church and government and all though they are different they are all making life harder for us all, and not doing their specific intent or wanted task that is: what best for all, and not just the very, very, very marginalized elite, who corrupt this world through the institutions, of government, church and banking and so on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am superior to them or think I should correct them by judging and blaming them as individuals and calling them crocks and thieves from how money is directed by them as individuals through banking systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame the individual banker and secretaries and people that work in the banks, when I forget that they simply live their pre-programmed lives and simply are doing their jobs in the bank business, that is rotten and corrupt to the core and out, where I fail to see that the people that work in banks are not to blame they are programmed to the work that they do, I must rather forgive them and bring forth a better solution for instance to the money issue, that can suit everyone; a win, win solution and end all wars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the saying “Let your mind wonder” – that I find deceiving and lie full, it is not meant to direct me, my mind is to be a tool to me, my mind have directed my thoughts and being, enough, it is time to direct myself and my life, because my mind leads me into ego and that is not acceptable, I must be, in self honesty – in charge of my mind/life and use my mind as the tool it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had gotten so far that I would not find myself drifting into ego no more; and I would think of myself as so much changed, within myself that ego had no more place within me, where ego has its revenge with me and fucks me over by letting my mind drift where my ego is taking charge and spinning the old Ferris wheel, of thinking and spinning around in thoughts and pictures; to no good at all; simply separating myself into tiny bits of ego/thoughts, creating friction and giving into energies, spinning the wheels within mind into abuse and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think thoughts like the city is so fine the city is so good to me, I like the city and I prefer the city life, where I would drift within my mind and eventually be easy prey to ego that would fuck things over from within myself, and complicate my living and purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate Mr. B, with city life and traveling around in the city, socializing and having fun in the city, where I would picture B, reading a book and I would take on a character from imagining what he reads and dissolve/slip into this fiction, like from infinity design, within my idea/imagination of what B is reading and having mind and ego fucking me over from this imagination and games and fiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be triggered by the picture and ideas that B is reading a book where I see I give into the energies and imagination of what B is reading, and I would create this movie in my head of spinning the wheel of picture in my head that would lead me to realize that I was only existing as energies separated from imagination what B is reading and not being present within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slip into desires and imagination from picturing what B is reading making his reading into a this romantic picture and failing to be aware off my own situation and awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in thoughts and pictures and energies within my mind escaping myself honesty and my chores by drifting into fiction and dishonesty/mind games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that it was ego taking over , and that I was being held a fool from ego using my thought to its very own benefits and my dishonesty and accepting of abuse.

When and as I see myself letting my mind drift and taking part in mind games or the Ferris wheel. I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I only need my mind at certain times, like a tool. I realize that I do not need to live in my mind live a zombie feeding the mind energies, and serving ego, I can stop my mind and take control of it and end the dishonest thoughts. I realize that I can bring myself back to my being and awareness from breathe and self honesty. Into physical awareness. I realize that I could present solution to this world as of banking or churches or government, no problem, and I do not need to judge them, I need to cooperate with them equally and present solutions that are; what is best for all. I commit myself to present solution to all people and to not give up doing so. I commit myself to snap out of fiction and dreaming and fantasying about desires etc and instead make my game physical and to bring change to this world. I commit myself to stop judging and B – laming and rather bring forth solutions.


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Day 559 – Going into psychosis over desire/suppressing of reactions.

The last 10 – 15 days I have experienced talking to a woman, about normal life and trivial stuff that we participate in. I soon took on a character of seeking relationship and desire from this. This talking with this woman, have resulted in me, having lots of reactions and friction, like spite and desire going off within my head/mind. I started to ignore the reactions and suppressed it. But it did not go away. Instead it developed into a psychosis and a real time possession within me.

I have worked through self forgiveness to release myself from this energetic reacting and this energetic addiction that I have been experiencing and that have made my experience into a real time possession.

I notices the possession as it evolved into a voice in the head and a real fuck ride of emotions within me the other day.

When I forgive myself I embrace and forgive the single energetic component of the mind construct and the component that is creating the fuzz/ the friction. Whether it was a experience of spite, a typical backchats or a personality and a polarity construct that was playing out.

Self forgiveness is my own release of this attachment and this energy addiction. When I forgive myself I release the emotions and the energy that I have had with me that have then already from suppression, developed into a possession.

Self forgiveness is that release of energies to remove from my chest or body, to make it more easy for me to actually; breathe. I experience this anxiety and the voice in the head from energies occupying me, and addicting me to them. When I forgive them I release the attachment and the component is dissolved and the energies released.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to talk to a woman because I would fear to go straight into desire and thinking why not you and me kind of thoughts and mannerism, where I would become reactive and spiteful if my desire that was not fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at picture and imagine other people that live in relationships where I would think that they look so happy and inn love- I want that – where I fail to realize that a relationship takes a lot of effort and strength and care to pull through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and thinking thoughts like I will never find my love, and I do not desire a girl friend – and I have failed, where I do not realize that it is not bad or wrong to live alone or without a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to follow other people and tendencies in society aka/ pre program, of having to marry and have a wife and to life in couples and to have children etc – kind of though pattern and pre – programmed reality and thinking I have to be like everyone else to succeed or else I have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter spite within my mind, where I signed on a emotions fuck ride of energies going off in my head that would eventually serve me a possession from my experience of energies and also voices in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame of society structures like the local bank that I would project blame onto, failing to realize that my blame was actually about me not knowing my mind well enough and not being able to trust myself well enough to not to enter spite and start to suppress the following reaction from spite and energies of me and my mind.

Self corrections to be lived.

Self correction is precisely that. To find solutions and to live the solutions. Here, I am correcting the reaction behavior, into a sane and unaffected mannerism and solution that is what is best for all.

When and as I see myself talking to a woman and I start to go into desire, and suppressing the reactions that come up. I stop myself, I take a deep breath and I slow myself down. I realize that I can easily fall into desire from talking to women that I find attractive. I realize that for me to fall into desires is something that I am working on solving the actual “if” I would like to live with a partner or not – decision making. I realize that I should find a solution to this question and to live the solution and the decision. I realize that if I suppress my desire and my reaction I am building up a potential possession. I realize that I must be responsible with myself and that possession/psychosis is not sanity or cool for anyone and it is not responsible at all. I commit myself to solve weather I would like to have girl friend or not. I commit myself to be stand clear and solid within my decision. I commit myself to be honest and responsible. I commit myself to clear out energies and of possession from   my body and my mind. I commit myself to stand up for what is best for all, and to realize myself.

When and as I see myself looking at other people that typically are in couples and that live together. I stop myself and I take a deep breath and I slow myself down. I realize that I do not have to follow that commercial or that person or TV show etc that is telling me to find a girl friend or a partner. I realize that such thoughts are a part of preprogram and it is not needed to follow such a program or such voices at all. I realize that I am probably much better off with living alone, for now, than living in a relationship to myself and not to have to care for anyone else at all. I commit myself to live without a partner unless I have other revealing experiences and other realizations, like out from the blue sky. I commit myself to live as best as I can alone and to not include other people in my experience of living intimately with myself. I realize that there might come a time where I am presented to a woman or a girl that is just simply telling me that this is it. I found someone equally. But until then I will stop and delete all the pre program that tell me to seek and find such relations. I will not seek to find such relations no more. I commit myself to let it be , and to live my life for what is best for all, without the pre programmed desires and commercial lies.

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