Tag Archives: myself

Day 671 – Personality of “a policeman”

– seeing myself as a police & control freak

I have some issues with perceived righteousness. Thinking I know what is “right”. Judging myself and others when I be – lie – ve,  something wrong within a situation. Thinking of myself as this special person, giving my character a opinion – a opinionated character of a police, within my head and my mind.

It is like this: you have a personality/ polarity construct. This needle/battery is then given a opinion,  a certain energy flows into this character to make it into me, playing out this character in life. I have this urge to feel that my way is “right way” and to feel superior to have my idea or “right” enforced on others, based on my be – lie – ves of who I am, and have grown into from programming.


It is not a fun thing to admit, lol, that I have this urge within to be a enforcer,  a police man, within and as myself.

Let me give you some perspective.


When I was a young kid at 7 – 12 years old. I grew up with 3 sisters and lots of cousins. We would play a lot and be messy, and play, sometime rather violent play. I remember my mother calling me the “police man” of the house. I have later suppressed this of forgotten it, but my mother tells me that I would pick on or bully particular my younger sister if they, according to me, did something wrong.

I would be on top of them and put them in their designated places. This is mostly forgotten within me now today,  but I see this personality polarity playing out and,  “wops” comes this memory of me playing police with my sisters. This plays out today within reactions, friction within me as the archetype of a judge archetype, and then triggering into a police archetype, that works it’s was through facebook, news, shopping, making dinner, working out, writing, walking etc… It is like a tiny part of my consciousness that sparks this police in my head to life and to living, practice.


It could play out from; looking at facebook and judging a picture a article or a video, on facebook. Or I could judge and feel need to correct someone in talks/dialogue in my daily life, or just on sight at the supermarket, judging and feeling like I have to correct it. Appearance, clothes, comments, mannerism, act etc…


This metaphysical “police” is like the second demon, in line after the (demon) judge archetype makes its judging, just like in society. It is all programming and lies, running a spiral – eating itself – like cancer. I have to realize that there is no right and wrong. There is only what is best for all. Investigate all things and keep that which is good – best for all.


Self forgiveness and self corrections inn blogs to follow.


desteni.org bennedicte


Day 667 – who am I & what is real ?

Who am I ?

..and what is real ?


(Is Israel real ?)

Fur further investigation of what lies behind the words we/I use please investigate. Here is a link to a you tube channel about words and meaning/definitions (from “Chiron Last”) and here, is a forum who is taking on words in practicality, and here is how to “live” words.  Also check out the link to the new coming: SOUL – school of ultimate living, on facebook.



I am a human. I am alive. I breathe. I have a birth name. I am physical. I am flesh and bones, blood, organs and skin. I am physical. I live on planet earth.


I have been living slaving to mind for more than 30 years. I have been living like robot. I have been living a lie from childhood years. I have been living in pain and in separation as of thoughts and mind and consciousness.


You see: all the trouble in this world/word can be traced back to our self – each and everyone of us. And our personal experience and living of mind and in our metaphysical individual reality/living.


I am a delicate balance between mind, body and being.


I am today taking responsibility for myself. I am standing up for my past, and to correct myself in present/future, inn oneness and equality. I am walking process to forgive myself. I embrace my dark sides and to learn to live again for real in physical. Balancing mind and being. I am Tormod. I am a male. I am living in honesty and I am striving to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am working on not to limit myself. I am taken by living my utmost potential.


I will be creative and create/design a word/world based on oneness and equality, where all life is considered – equally.

Creation is equality.


I am here in physical on planet earth. I am living breathing. My physical is my guide. My reality of that we are here on this earth trying to do our individual thing. I am here on earth, seeing abuse, separation, war, poverty, crimes, pollution and so on. I am here on earth to do what is best for all. I am here on this earth to be my very best example to others. To spread my nucleus of calamity, peace and consideration. I am here on earth to create a better life for all of us. All of life. I will honor life.  I am life. I life.



I see physical reality around me. What I can touch, smell, hear, see and sense. And I keep inn my awareness that this is less that a fragment of what is really going on around me, as of metaphysics and psychology/data. To further investigate what is “real” check out this link: to quantum mind.

I am alive, and I will honor life. I will commit myself to do what is best for all at all times.

What is real is what I sense with my awareness. What is real is my awareness.

My awareness is my reality.


Thank you !

arty farty

art by: Tormod Hvidsten Gjedrem

Day 663 – My issues of sleeping


– living from day to day.

I have for quite some time, had issues with sleeping. I have a hard time getting up early (enough) in the mornings. I would tell myself the night before that “sleeping over the alarm clock, is only my mind wanting its energies.” It is only mind craving its energies from me and my sleep. That being said, it is vital in this topic to understand what a schizophrenic mind looks like. I am going to try to explain it in words. The typical schizophrenic mind, has some specific, “hooks” to it. Like there is some metallic (!) hooks to it that sort of will not let you go or strive – from mind. The physical gets “hooked” within the mind/metaphysics and the result is emotions slaving to the very mind and to consciousness with thoughts, and imaginations, reactions etc. Mind/system slaving with its energies. Just like neo in his cube/egg in matrix.


If you have troubles waking up in the mornings check out eqafe.com and this interview: https://eqafe.com/p/wake-up



So to grasp and realize that my mind is designed with some specific “hooks” and is designed to make me stay in mind. Not letting me stray from mind. It can sound like a nightmare, and, yes it very well could be that to, and in many ways it experienced this nightmare for a very, very long time.


But I am here, alive in my body. I have embraced and forgiven components of my mind that have been emotionally charged. And it is still a path of self forgiveness, I am currently on. To set myself free from energies and to let go of the old archaic mind, with its hooks, thinking, imagination and unwanted drama and psychology.

Now.. when I experience free from the hooks, I can get little crazy… lol .. meaning I can start to dance and perform juts like that, in the streets – as a result of having liberated myself within years of process, from the hooks of mind and emotionally slaving.

So it is quite liberating to me to experience that type of excitement and feeling free from mind and its metallic hooks of design – having lived all my life within and as schizophrenia.

It is possible to forgive the hooks and its methaphysical – basis/holdings/energies and to liberate oneself from most of the deign – that I have experience walking process. After all – it is mostly just energies – all of it.


So I strive to life in self confidence, self trust, self acceptance, to embrace myself – every minute tiny fragmented part of myself so that I can be the best possible version of myself at all times.

I have tried to force myself out of bed. And it works sort of, but I feel awfully “nude” or fresh or, like .. exposed, cold etc. when I step out of bed and I start my day on my basis of the physicals basics and on what I experience of myself and not only on the premises of my mind. I feel awfully exposed and like a clean cut sort of. Like a walking piece of meat, all ready for the frying pan…


So that is what I need to work on. My experience of freshness or feeling like walking t-bone stake after having woken up from bed. That is the reality of my current being. Living with schizophrenia and making the best that I can be from that. Doing what I genuinely know is best for me and my physical, and support myself.


So I commit myself to again, force myself out of bed in the mornings, to not judge myself if I fail, get up and try again, and to really look at, and work with that feeling of nude/feeling like a stake/piece of meat, all cold etc.. that is what I have to focus on, and to puzzle with myself and writing/self communication/therapy. So my issue of sleeping should not be point of victimization, but a challenge to work with.


So that I can be the very best version of myself in any situation, day by day, to lessen the impact of schizophrenia and to dare to live – free from mind and emotionally slaving.

streetdancer-hoody tormodhg

thanks –


Day 592 – Living words: Reinforcement


Current allocation:

I see reinforcement like what it is of metal construct that supports the concrete inn being strong and solid, as a construction. I see reinforcement as the very important part of construct of the concrete that we build and that we place into our infrastructure. I also see this word as totally new to myself. I just discovered it and that is interesting. Until now I have only known the Norwegian word from this sort of building material. I have only know this Norwegian word “armoring”. The phenomena of reinforcement in concrete is something that I have worked with before, since I have been working making concrete constructions and concrete elements of building blocks to build houses and concrete buildings. I used to be a construction worker some while back. I was working in a fabric making concrete construct and building blocks to build houses and big office buildings. I was working with reinforcement. I would think that reinforcement is so important that it is like the very essence of a building. At the same time it is sort of word of support. You give thumbs up and you are being supportive to another and reinforcing the other person, to sort of cheer up or bring up the spirit up again. One can support oneself with reinforcement. One could literally bring back power to oneself through reinforcement, by bring in back what was separated in the first place. And also a third way I look at this word, is through eyes military reinforcement. To strengthen the military presence of being somewhere. But most in essence and importance I would see it as a personal edification/embracing and strengthening of self and living.

Dictionary definition:

The act or process of reinforcing or the state of being reinforced.

Something that reinforces.


  1. 1600, “act of reinforcing,” from reinforce + -ment. Meaning “an augmentation, that which reinforces” is from 1650s. Related: Reinforcements.

Sounding of word:

rain for sent

rain for a cent

rain to force

rain to forest



Negative polarity: If it is about military, then I am disappointed and sad because to my mind we do not need any military they are simply not needed at all. I would also be sad of seeing the ruined bombed homes of Palestine and other was zones, where one can see the reinforcement bars peeking out ruined.

Positive polarity: To reinforcement the society and social structure is what is going on . We need to reinforce the whole society and the whole world through more equal sharing of money and resources. We also need to reinforce how we treat other life from and nature. The abuse have to end.

Creative writing: We should need to de – force the military and to reinforces the social structure and the social needs and basic needs of all human and also the rest of all life on this planet. We should reinforce the whole stand and change those parts of capitalism that is not best for all, into something that is best for all. Military would have to be decrease into nothing.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out the word “reinforcement” like I am reinforcing when I project it, I am simply seeing the issue in another and not playing a active part in the actual reinforcing at all, I am simply projecting this word and removing myself form the responsibility out of not living this word in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I see that we need to reinforce economy with a basic income to all people, as means to strengthen society and economy and to heal and bring ease to economy/the individual by giving more equal to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out a example of concrete and construction reinforcement as a sort example of being a construction worker and sort of symbolism that I am acting in solidarity with other people and creating a symbol of solidarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how I could reinforce myself as I would not be clear or ready or in any other typical way where aware of how I was ready to reinforce of inn other ways ready or prepared to reinforce myself back to myself in any ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how I could ever reinforce myself in any ways and I would fear or dislike how I could reinforce myself because I have limited experience with that word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out at my reality and world/others that I would like to have reinforcement, and sort of projecting it out and thinking that I would be reinforces from that perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can reinforce myself by projecting reinforcement out at the world /others, simply acting like I was calling out like baby to be feed or to have my treat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry out to the world that I would like reinforcement like a victim calling out for help and assistance, wanting to pity myself with chocolate and candy because I could not figure out what was reinforcement.

When and as I see myself projecting out reinforcement and I see that I feel almost like pitting myself, and I would start to think I need to reinforce myself and I simply do not take the needed steps to do so efficiently. I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I will use this new experience of a word to edification myself, and bring back to myself all that was separated from me and quit projecting out as projecting is not honest or cool at all. I realize that I should simply need to reinforce myself with chores and both physical work and cognitive challenges. I realize that I would need to further investigate how I could reinforce myself and further investigate how I could reinforce myself back to myself complete and one with all and everything.

I commit myself to reinforcement.

I commit myself to investigate reinforce within and without of myself and my living so that I can stand equal and one within my life and my living.

I commit myself to bring reinforcement to myself like It was first separated and now I bring it back and make myself one and equal with life and my being.

I commit myself to reinforce myself and to make myself complete.

When and as I see myself thinking of reinforcement. I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I very soon relate to my old working with construction some 15 years ago. I realize that I have memories of working with bars of reinforcement in constructions. I realize that I would like to reinforce myself as my physical to strengthen myself and my own body through working-out and exercising. To honor my life and being. I realize that I need to bring back to myself all that was separated. I realize that to bring back and forgive and embrace is reinforcing of myself together with working out.

I commit myself to embrace and forgive and to then reinforce myself .


Reinforcing: Is strengthening of mass or a unit to increase its supportive ability and further quality.