Tag Archives: mental health

Day 800 – To fear my own emotions

Listening to “creating a safe space for emotions and expressions” I realize a particular thing with the my experience of self and mind, that is how I am fearing my own emotions. I can fear and very soon go into judging and reacting of my own emotions. Check out the interview it is really cool.

 

That is quite something to discover. And it is a bit of evidence of how hard wired and complex the mind and the world and our individual consciousness system is. There are reasons why the world have been experienced as complicated and hard to grasp. It is all about self. I can guarantee you. Our mind programming has be complex, tough, delicate, multi layered and vivid. It has been a lot, and it has been omni present instead of life. This has now been changed and life is now in front seat. Individually we still carry all our programming and matrix data/mind. This we have to forgive and become responsible with.

 

So this is me highlighting a component of my programming. The fact that I react and judge my emotions (sort of super-sizing it) by first going into fears. Say for instance that I am about to experience angst. I would most likely first go into fear, and then take it personally and judge or react to my angst, as well as my fear. lol you see it get very manifold within so.

So this is me discovering myself and my programming. Seeing and exposing it for all its details. One more time to explain : I would fall into a emotion, say angst, and within so I would fear that angst, and also on top of that, react or judge my fear and my angst. lol it is simply beyond. By forgiving it all, and realize  our self and standing up within this we can really learn the depth of mind and change our relationships and then create a ripple effect in the world.

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These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 799 – at my backchating rock

When I am at my backchating rock

Listening to the interview from eqafe.com, who are you when challenged  : and realizing the common sense solution to work on ones bad/horrible backchats. We all have some spiteful, nasty and sometimes gruesome voices/thoughts backchats in our head. There is no denying this. It simply is a part of the humans experience.

My backchats are also quite nasty. And what I have found is that it is helping me to sound them. To speak them to self. Sound them with my mouth – the same way they sound in my head.

This have been helping me sorting them out, or organize them better – because no matter how gruesome they are – they are still a part of the experience of being me. They are a part of my creation. So, to be able to take responsibility for them, as myself, I must define them, to be able to organize them – to forgive them by sorting them out with writing and speaking. That is the way with everything today, we need to redefine everything and re design our reality. The nature of life makes this necessary.

We are programmed to suppress, deny and judge such backchats within self. It is mind in its essence. Running away from and judging backchats/voices is what mind does. But it does not heal or cure the backchats/nastiness, then it simply builds.

 

So, I have some backchats that are often returning to me. I will not write them here, but they are nasty and spiteful, sometimes hateful. I know how they are, and to me  there is no escaping the reality that I live with this. But when I get to know them, to sound them, to make them less scary/dangerous, I am making myself the master of them. So that I will not be scared by these voices in my head, and backchats, but rather to sound them, write them down and define them fro then to look at them and forgive them and their essence,  when I can see more of where they come from.

 

It could be like lyrics from a rock band (metal/rap song). Nasty and spiteful. So I define that when I am with my backchats, I am at my backchating rock. It is like visiting that hard, rough, heavy rock within. My backchatting rock. For me to be familiar with myself and to master myself. To be safe and sound within any situation. When I am in backchat’s/voices – I am at my backchatting rock. So I can be safe and sound within self and not fear self. To become comfortable with oneness backchats  sort of. To know  it. For me to then be able to work with it, and see it for what it is. To be able to see it and know it to stop reacting to it, and not suppress it, but know it to be able to forgive it and dissolve it in total. To know everything is to forgive everything

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 768 – attracting to trouble

attraction to complications / a autism perspective

walking with schizophrenia

 

eirik og heidi.jpg

two old friends a party a long time ago

 

So it is clear to me that I have lived a life so far with quite some mental challenges. The word and diagnosis  of “schizophrenia” is not defined right by society/doctors/practice. Today people with this sort of complications are told wrong things. They are not told what schizophrenia really is. It is easy to see this error, and also that it is coming from the establishment/western medicine that is in practical terms,  completely in reverse. I have done many posts, videos and blogs on this (schizophrenia). So If you would like to hear my take on it – please contact me or investigate.

I have lived a life with this (schizophrenia) type of autism all my life. I have grown into attracting trouble. I have 3 or sometimes 4 minds to deal with; I am informed.  Sometimes I see this monster within, a tree/four headed beast/troll that is the core of my schizophrenia. So I have lived and nurtured with this beast for a long time. Again it is all what I make of it and how I create myself. My burden can be that – a burden or I can strengthen it and make it something of support. Made possible from walking with self forgiveness and desteni.org

So it is quite natural for me to attract to trouble. Being drugs, sex or any type of  systems sabotage or uproar. I have been through it. It is  in my past now most of it, I quit most of my energy addictions very close to exactly 5 years ago. Today I have very little bothers of this nature. I can be more myself, stable, calm and rooted, yet allow myself to be wild, free and honest. You see, through working on self forgiveness consistent for 5 years, everyday bringing shit to surface and dealing with it forgiving it, taking it into me,  deleting it within – brings a new perspective on life.

My dealing with what is in my mind. I don’t leave it up to “God”, or any separate entity to take responsibility for this. No, this is all about me, myself taking 100 % responsibility. Though, I am not guilty of any crime what so ever. It was all and it still is : all programming and design of mind. I am guilty of nothing, so I should not judge myself either. It is all how mind is rigged…. how we live our lives. Are you aware how much mind is in control of your living ? For real ? It is a deep, deep rabbit-hole of self.  All the systems “out there” is a system of self – projected outwards.  The ultimate ride. To forgive self, to embrace, liberate and become one and equal.

 

We at desteni have been saying for years how it is all programs. It is all a huge mind fuck. Time to deal with that picture. So I have been attracting to commotion and bothers, by indentifying with it. Again : it is what I make of it, do I want to live with the burden or do I want to live with the support – I have that level of freedom to make such a decision today. I am at that point of creation. Trouble have been me. It is what I have lived for quite some years. Again I take 100 % responsibility for it and bring it all back to self to embrace and forgive. To delete the metaphysics.  The forgiveness part is important to understand  self and life.

 

If you try it out and talk about self forgiveness to self, in spoken words. You will see this very soon…. the real hero here is you. The physical is key. Are you ready for the challenge ?

Schizophrenia is not real the way it is taught today. It has  different origins and a different recipe than what schools and doctors tell us. I mean what the fuck … if we are to trust the establishment, then we trust the outcome, right ? What is the outcome of the current establishment and mind system ? In this world today there is,  war, child rape, murder, torture, pollution, pain and abuse….This goes to question our trust in systems… like wikipedia ? Or Harvard Doctors ? Your parents (?) or “same old same old patterns” ? The establishment ? They are systems that keep us at status Q … right ? Our very own thoughts and mind, that keep us locked in the “same old same old”  idea and hamster wheel. Can you see this ? It all origins at self, it is all, every tiny piece of it originated in the human mind experience.   I mean bring it back to self for real…  What is in your head ? Who is in your head ? … Who are you ? What is your dreams ? What is your purpose ? Why are you here ? What is your potential ? That is the kind of questions that have always been lost… but no, no, look at the circus and the energetic play of mind. What the fuck. Are you real or are you a zombie of mind ?

Are you letting the zombie mind rule your world ? What do you say about consciousness ? These are things that govern our living to the very core. These are our systems of death. Mind and consciousness. Mistaken for God. It is all in reverse. You see ? Free self from mind slaving with self forgiveness, this is the only way to become real.

 

Please listen to this video:

 

 

enjoy breathe

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 759 – fearing suicide

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Disclaimer : we at desteni are not doctors or health care personel – we are ordinary people figuring out, practical, best for all solutions in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fearing not living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for fearing suicide, like I fail at life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for having lost so many friends to suicide and/over mental issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  feel shame for not knowing myself good enough to see this pattern of fearing suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than giving into this fear, this programming of accepting suicide, I should rather open up and communicate and talk to people, to have courage and to be brave and talk without bias.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live like a personality/polarity construct of wanting to honor life, and to give my best and in the other end fearing to not be able to live – to chose the death part, like with the extreme of suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and discomfort for alarming and confusing others by saying/admitting that I have issues with suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to limit my world and opportunities by admitting and saying to the world that I have issues with suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discomfort with talking even to myself, alone, about suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in energies and drive to something I don’t quite know what is.

 

 

I realize that I should rather be with myself comfort myself do things to support my body/self love.

I commit myself to be more open and communicative – to dare live.

I commit myself to express and share more my insides.

 

 

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 752 – self judgment

 

 

self goat

painting by me

 

 

Self judgment:

I notice today that I live in self judgment. This is noticeable by me mostly from seeing the core design of the self judgment.  I have been able to take a step back and see where does it come from ? And funny enough (this time) it comes from TV and movies, documentaries and fiction.

I have seen so many movies and series/drama about court rulings and layers life. I have made a very energetic picture/drama of the lawyers and the judges, and the happening within so.

I would think of a court as a game. A game to win or lose, and from history the game is rigged against me. Because the court is the rich – system – powers play ground. It is there together with for instance doctors to make the gap, wider between classes in society.

So I have been projecting this onto others, how I “dislike” lawyers (and doctors) and I have been living in that self judgment myself where I am the judge, lawyer, police man, victim and criminal. It is like a circus of role play to me. Very common to my schizophrenic mind. This all strikes back at me and causes pain and disturbance within me. I see now that I live this self judgment and I need to come to a acceptance and embracing of me. And let go of the energetic looping/judging of mind.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of positive pole, popular rich lawyer, and winning in court; and negative pole;  looser criminal and being sentenced in court.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my issues of law and the court/lawyer life onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will not be a celebrity or a star simply a looser clown from the polarity of LA – LAW series I relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as the loosing/sad clown and that I am lost as of present since courts still have a say in this world (today).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I suck at being a clown, but it is still a mask to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices of the sad clown in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of taking law serious or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself in my clown – circus of court/law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the TV series LA-LAW where I live and act like a playboy from California in the 80’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the phrases from TV drama and documentaries in my head over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed with judgments that I  have a energetic party within the room of court and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know enough about law to outsmart a judge, and to play the court for a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling on to different  theories about law and justice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deep down fear judges and lawyers and to think that they as a group don’t serve life, and they are abuse within the system and should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that deep down the court system is a scam and a mind trickery, and it just tricked me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by the law system of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself serious when I say that courts and lawyers of today are by structure, definition and design not supporting life – they should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind – fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack the law/court system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can distance myself from self judgments, failing to realize that I then  distance myself from me/my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see nothing but judgments and to live in this sentence of “I sentence you to” or other similar words from TV/movies court rooms drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck and fucked by the design of self judgment and within this addicting to it and feeling like I can let it go it is on me like a magnet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my self – judgments with my eyes/seeing and my own moral of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the self judgment like my pair of glasses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to live with myself judgment failing to see the solution to accept myself and to embrace and value my self – instead of judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fucked by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel raped by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply abused by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel corrupted by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like shit from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like puking and “giving up” from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that law is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the law that we see today (protecting greed/ego) is doomed.

 

 

Self corrections to be lived:

I commit myself to accept myself and to investigate myself and my mind and sort out all my shit.

I commit myself to expose the old system / self /mind /law and to remove it all breathe by breathe, step by step, and create a new system that is a system that is best for all.

I commit myself to embrace myself – no matter what.

 

Realizing / clarity:

  • I need acceptance of me to be able to see into me and this grants me access/accept into my mind/body/world/imaginations.
  • self judgement is not real it is fiction and imaginations.
  • courts and such law we see today is not going to last.
  • I have a response – ability to create new systems  to replace the old.
  • To me with my schizophrenia, self judgement is still very real/in my eyes.
  • There is no need to judge – we are all equals.

 

 

Link to another blog on self judgments:

http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/03/day-704-self-acceptance-vs-self.html

 

 

 

other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

Day 751 – learning to let it be

Conflict  – learn to let it be

conflict

 

 

 

I just experienced  a deep rooted conflict with another villager here where I live. This person is often acting out in possessions (psychosis) over small thing and has a hard time with facing new things and new routines. There was just now a big commotion in the kitchen, where I was pushing her buttons and trying to force through what was common sense, but what was not cool, with this other villager.

She went into possession and I went numb, scared and confused. But I kept of pushing  for common sense while I should have just let it be, and found something else to do. This is a returning pattern with me how I keep pushing common sense/my solutions on to XX – who does not like new things.

I am reminded by how I acted with my younger sisters (20 – 30 years ago) where I would  bully them and tease then until they reacted, and then I would give them a beating.  It makes me cry how hard I seam, and how I simply can’t find it within me to let things be.

My solutions are obviously too much for this person to handle so I should just let it be. But I don’t like to isolate her or me from anything, so it is a delicate task. I get so dragged into her energies/psychosis  that I lose control of myself within it.

The funny thing is that it escalated from nothing at all, all of a sudden there is a volcano in the kitchen. And I can’t help myself by being dragged into it and reacting with it.

If I can learn and practice to let things be and not bother with more to the fire, then I am taking a step to stabilize my world and my living, it all has an effect. It is a start to me to learn and evolve within a more peaceful living.

 

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the buttons of XX so that she would burst into a full possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being dragged into the energies/psychosis/personalities of XX and how I could not avoid trying to push common sense  and my solution onto XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my way is the right way when that is obviously is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel suspicious and uncertain about XX, fearing that one day she will snap, and stab me with a knife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel totally handicapped and lost when It comes to dealing with XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in backchats about XX.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what XX could do to me if I was unaware.

 

I commit to bring all this back to myself and within so face my own creation.

I commit myself to more let XX be and not bother her at all.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog !

links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

Day 739 – Taking my medications, sir; yes sir

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To treat schizophrenia there is not many known treatments that work. If one has schizophrenia one most likely carry it with through oneness life on earth – at least as a blueprint. I have had lots of troubles with accepting medications. Countless arguments and fights  with parents and nurses, on whether, I was to take my medications or not. For a long time I thought I could use weed and hajjis to cure myself. I also used alcohol to medicate myself.

 

Now there is lots of  other treatments and services out there. Holographic Kinetics, self forgiveness, self corrections, self honesty, blogging, communicating, write, workout/gym, healthy diet, daily walks, different activities,  – there is lots. I use in particular self forgiveness and I experience that it has a very good effect on me. I also am very aware of what I eat, and I try to block out things I know that my body does not like.

The pharmacy industry is a big and corrupt business, yes no doubt. But it is still just a reflection of humankind  and our mind and how we treat one another. The outplay of corruption and lies from pharmacy industry is just a reflection of how we humans treat each other. How we live in backchats, and blame, anger, fear, believes, personalities, guilt and separation, (etc)… tell little white lies to each other, and manipulate in our heads/mind.

I have schizophrenia, so for me since we still have all the abuse going on in this world, so within so without, I still take my medications. And I use other therapies as supplement. Such as self forgiveness, it is cool.

So I cooperate with my doctor and take my medications. I am tired of fighting my parents and tired of sabotaging the system.

 

So many millions of people have a emotional/troublesome relationship with taking medications, and it causes a lot of pain and damage/death, to not have a stable and solid, rooted relationship with taking oneness drugs. All the bashing and blaming of drug industry is causing lots of damage, pain and endless rivers of tears. Know thy self.

 

One more time: Yes pharmacy is a huge & corrupt sack of lies. But it is what we have, and to a small degree it works.  But also to consider that big – pharmacy  is just a reflection of humankind and our mind games/psychology. It is what it is, and it could have been much worse. So a note here to all the people being activist and bashing out on medications; change starts with self. If you want change – start self forgiveness with yourself. Because we all have a mind consciousness system, equally, and we all are equally responsible for all the atrocities and abuse that is taking place on earth. all of it.

Try a course of self forgiveness for real change of self.

Check out the links and my talk on this topic below (soundcloud):

 

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

 

 

thanks !