Tag Archives: live

Day 812 – taught




Or how the people we find the most challenging are in fact the very ones to be our greatest teachers.

I live in a village. I live with about 25 other people together on a farm and we are all different and unique beings with different past and programming.

For me in the beginning It was tough and hard to face the people that I would characterize as difficult. I would feel reactive and emotional around them, thinking “damn, what is her deal” or “why can’t he just be normal”. Or just irritated and upset about how certain people behave.

A important thing to realize here is that all the confusion and reactions, anger, fear or emotion that comes up in me, when people are difficult, is because of me. I am the keeper of the reactions and the anger and programs of mind, not them. The anger or reactions come from within me, and is triggered on how I experience this other being. It is my experience. In other words, they can’t bring up emotions within me. That is totally within my own experience and so responsibility.

I have learned to approach these people with a new “tool” – and that is complete and full embracing of who they are as beings – and also to thank them, for who they are and for what they show me – about myself. I would sit during dinners and imagine that I fully and unconditionally embrace that person. I live the word “embrace” when with those people. I would sound “thank you” within myself in consideration to their expression, manners and living – again – for what they show me of myself. Now this was not easy for me to see or live and realize, it was times where I felt so “abused” by the others behaviors lol and I felt like giving up !

But consistent and persistence diligence living the word “embrace” without a second thought, would make a path for me to see that not only did I see changes in me how I could learn patience and care, consideration and compassion, but they would also change and become “easier” to work with. It is like the situation would heal.

So; it is to do against others the way that I would like to be treated. Place myself in their shoes. Imagine the lives and the programming of mind that they represent.

This is a deep rooted skill to practice and learn to utilize and use to anyone that experiences difficult and challenging situations. It is about learning and understanding to be humble; that the most challenging people and experiences we go through, are our greatest teachers to learn from in life.

So to live the word “embrace” and imagine myself to embrace the person that is difficult. And also I find it convenient to thank them, also within myself as a thank you to the teacher that they are to me.

Here are two links on how to deal with difficult people:

Here are two links on how to deal with difficult people:





Day 793 – Book of life – self authority

I just had the most amazing discovery last night !

75 tormod h g.jpg

Let me share with you, I was going to bed and doing so, going over some words that have been afloat in my awareness the last days. Some living words. The word “self authority” would peak out. And I would look at it. Close. To see what lies hidden within this word for me ??

First thing i would imagine is a police-man, being all authority and “hard”. Or a thought that “God” is the ultimate authority. Or an old teacher perhaps ? All such things I have now laid behind me and forgiven in detail.
After forgiving the energy addictions within so, I have come to open up this word to myself further – beyond actually – and what it would show me was absolutely amazing. Have you heard about term: “the book of life ” ? Well the saying goes that everyone has a book of life that is being read by self and in that manner – lived by self. It may seem complicated to understand but the basic is that we create our own reality. Abracadabra. So myself authority is me, and within me being the author of my book of life, I create and shape my words to go into my own book of life – that is my life and my reality that I create breath by breathe. Word by word.

Soooo that leads to the very bold but sane conclusion that I am my own self authority – by being the author of my own book of life. Creating my own book of life with my next breathe.

I know that there is no God that is ruling us like we are often led to believe. But now grounding it more back to self, back to reality, oneness and equality and what is best for all – and within all is also me. So I get what is best. By creating, in this second/breathe my own reality.

The book of life is my life – I will not leave it up to some projection of a bully, to rule me. No more !


Check out the links; they assisted me to come to this very awesome discovery:

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof







living words & school of ultimate living: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuBohSdyFq2Dyr5CJikvhsA

Day 764 – meeting the portal

dem 7


My first meeting with the interdimentional portal


I was just this last week in Brussels, Belgium, for a destonian gathering. We had been planning to meet there since new year’s 16/17. We all chipped in for a ticket so that Sunette (the portal) could travel to Belgium to see us. We where about 30 people at the most when we would gather in central Brussels.


I was first greeted by my fellow destonian Talamon (Tala), at the airport. After that we would travel into the city to see Leila, Gian, Cesar and Sunette. Before meeting I have been going through some projections and expectations of the whole thing. I would forgive and release these expectations when they occurred. The moment I would hug Sunette I sort of went into a reaction. Both from being tired of traveling, and also from the surprise of seeing how normal and ordinary people really are. You might say not what I expected lol.


dem 4


So in that station hall, we would then first meet and hug. It was a sort of breaking point to me, and I was quite shaking right then and a few minutes later. But to my pleasant surprise I managed quite fine. I was able to release the energy and move within/without.


I was considered and my mental health, and I was asked if I was not tired. I was asked if I was ok. I was going though some reactions, like I said,  but I managed very good. I was surprised by myself how well it all went.

Later in the park, we got to see first-hand portaling. Beings like Anuaki, Lilly and Mykey, presented them self to us. And we had a chat then in the Brussels park. A very cool experience indeed.

Also I had a portaling done, to only me, to hear from my mind, body and being. With the intent to bring my being forth within. To give me some strengthening advice and hear what my being /body / mind could tell me that I could not see/hear or had missed. I was told among other things that “You are stronger than what you think you are” and “Start with yoga” – such a advice. I was very thrilled to hear this and today is my third day of yoga, doing a new beginners course from youtube.


So meeting the portal and all the other destonians walking life process, was a  deep honor and a deep sense of gratitude. It was over all fun and I learned lots about myself.


Thank you each one of you that I was able to hug and greet !

Together we walk, equal and one  !

dem 1


Check out the links:









Day 758 – Desire to be admired

I have been made aware of a desire within that have been creating conflict within me lately. I have a desire to be admired and to have status. But I have not given myself the chance to live this in real time.

So how does this play out ? For instance I have been suppressing and making “bad” my genuine expression. You might say sexual expression.  I fear to be 100% me without bias and judgment from within. So when it comes to sex, it is all about slowing down lol.. So that is also my clue. To slow down and be myself and not judge myself or go into thinking that my expression is wrong or un-cool in any way. Thinking that sex and expression is what media serves us of characters. Whoever it might be this week. It is porn and fame it is not my thing. Failing to realize that hey  (!) just that observation there of how we are programmed to think lesser of our self and our bodies because of cultural programming – which is a crying shame. And just that shame point I have take on. Judging myself and my expression as wrong or bad. Not seeing that this is hard core programming and design, of thoughts, mind and relationships () – hardwired of mind design.

I would for instance  feel a urge to dance more. To be more present when I move. To have grace. I need to be more with myself when I move my body.  And I could also “need” to let go of many needs lol. And let this come more naturally like my expression from within, and not force it out…

I have then a desire to be admired. If I need to be admired then admiring will come to me. So I need to live like there is no separation from this word admire. If I have a energetic relationship to this word “admire” – then those energies is causing stress within me. Like tripping wires. I sure hope you can see this. I need to live this word like any other word that I can embody. It must come naturally and not by me pushing and stressing about it.



self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire and almost addict to a imagination and idea of being admired, where within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this desire and then become totally embarrassed and scared, thinking (backchats within mind) “This is not me”, “I am not Hollywood”, “I am a loon and a clown”  – literally creating my own believe (be-lie-ve) within nasty backchats in my head, and suppress and reject the desired idea,  and create conflict with my wanting to be admired and to have status.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself pile up a lot of suppression and denial within and then dive into this soup of emotions and lose myself within it going pretty deep into depression within so.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of give into the nasty backchats in my mind and loose myself into emotions and believes of how my life should be, according to pre-programming, I must rather support myself and being with myself, give myself time to breathe,  in a common sense manner, to treat myself good and to embrace myself 100 %.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of going into stress and fear and make my pro – blames even bigger, I must make arrangements within, of commonsense, and to slow down my tempo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated to mention my sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for my sexual expression.


self corrections:

When and as I see myself  going into denial or suppression of my desire and want to be admired and to have status, I stop myself, I breathe, and I level with what is here. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being admired and to have status. If I can deliver what is best for all it is rather cool and a nice thing. This world obviously needs good leaders. I realize that I have lived a glam and fame/fashion kind of idea of being admired. I realize that I have a pre – programmed idea of being admired.

I commit myself to de school and delete my pre-existing definitions of being admired and to have status. I commit myself to redefine being admired.










Day 663 – My issues of sleeping


– living from day to day.

I have for quite some time, had issues with sleeping. I have a hard time getting up early (enough) in the mornings. I would tell myself the night before that “sleeping over the alarm clock, is only my mind wanting its energies.” It is only mind craving its energies from me and my sleep. That being said, it is vital in this topic to understand what a schizophrenic mind looks like. I am going to try to explain it in words. The typical schizophrenic mind, has some specific, “hooks” to it. Like there is some metallic (!) hooks to it that sort of will not let you go or strive – from mind. The physical gets “hooked” within the mind/metaphysics and the result is emotions slaving to the very mind and to consciousness with thoughts, and imaginations, reactions etc. Mind/system slaving with its energies. Just like neo in his cube/egg in matrix.


If you have troubles waking up in the mornings check out eqafe.com and this interview: https://eqafe.com/p/wake-up



So to grasp and realize that my mind is designed with some specific “hooks” and is designed to make me stay in mind. Not letting me stray from mind. It can sound like a nightmare, and, yes it very well could be that to, and in many ways it experienced this nightmare for a very, very long time.


But I am here, alive in my body. I have embraced and forgiven components of my mind that have been emotionally charged. And it is still a path of self forgiveness, I am currently on. To set myself free from energies and to let go of the old archaic mind, with its hooks, thinking, imagination and unwanted drama and psychology.

Now.. when I experience free from the hooks, I can get little crazy… lol .. meaning I can start to dance and perform juts like that, in the streets – as a result of having liberated myself within years of process, from the hooks of mind and emotionally slaving.

So it is quite liberating to me to experience that type of excitement and feeling free from mind and its metallic hooks of design – having lived all my life within and as schizophrenia.

It is possible to forgive the hooks and its methaphysical – basis/holdings/energies and to liberate oneself from most of the deign – that I have experience walking process. After all – it is mostly just energies – all of it.


So I strive to life in self confidence, self trust, self acceptance, to embrace myself – every minute tiny fragmented part of myself so that I can be the best possible version of myself at all times.

I have tried to force myself out of bed. And it works sort of, but I feel awfully “nude” or fresh or, like .. exposed, cold etc. when I step out of bed and I start my day on my basis of the physicals basics and on what I experience of myself and not only on the premises of my mind. I feel awfully exposed and like a clean cut sort of. Like a walking piece of meat, all ready for the frying pan…


So that is what I need to work on. My experience of freshness or feeling like walking t-bone stake after having woken up from bed. That is the reality of my current being. Living with schizophrenia and making the best that I can be from that. Doing what I genuinely know is best for me and my physical, and support myself.


So I commit myself to again, force myself out of bed in the mornings, to not judge myself if I fail, get up and try again, and to really look at, and work with that feeling of nude/feeling like a stake/piece of meat, all cold etc.. that is what I have to focus on, and to puzzle with myself and writing/self communication/therapy. So my issue of sleeping should not be point of victimization, but a challenge to work with.


So that I can be the very best version of myself in any situation, day by day, to lessen the impact of schizophrenia and to dare to live – free from mind and emotionally slaving.

streetdancer-hoody tormodhg

thanks –


Day 656 – Living words : Balance

At desteni we are : LIVING WORDS

Check out links: http://wiki.destonians.com/Living_Word

& http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=147


Here I am taking on the word: Balance

Living words: balance



Current allocation: I would think of a juggler, juggeling with balls. I would think of balancing my breathe through the highs and lows of energies. I would balance the triangle within my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I would think I need balance to not fall over and tilt just from standing straight up. I think of balance as something I need of natural law. Balancing things on top of each other. I think of balance as a natural and universal law. I would associate balance with skills and with preformance. I would think of balance as this thing or construct that is in balance from before and that needs to be further in balance from how something else is in balance. Balance is like a state and a fundamental law.


Dictionary Definition: balance

  1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
  2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.
  3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
  4. a state of bodily equilibrium:

He lost his balance and fell down the stairs.

  1. an instrument for determining weight, typically by the equilibrium of a bar with a fulcrum at the center, from each end of which is suspended a scale or pan, one holding an object of known weight, and the other holding the object to be weighed.
  2. the remainder or rest:

He carried what he could and left the balance for his brother to bring.

  1. the power or ability to decide an outcome by throwing one’s strength, influence, support, or the like, to one side or the other.



balance (v.)

1570s, “be equal with,” from balance (n.). Meaning “bring or keep in equilibrium” is from 1630s; that of “keep oneself in equilibrium” is from 1833. Of accounts, from 1580s. Related: Balanced; balancing. Balanced meal, diet, etc. is from 1908.

balance (n.)

early 13c., “apparatus for weighing,” from Old French balance (12c.) “balance, scales for weighing,” also in the figurative sense; from Medieval Latin bilancia, from Late Latin bilanx, from Latin (libra) bilanx “(scale) having two pans,” possibly from Latin bis “twice” + lanx “dish, plate, scale of a balance.” The accounting sense is from 1580s; the meaning “general harmony between parts” is from 1732; sense of “physical equipoise” is from 1660s. Balance of power in the geopolitical sense is from 1701. Many figurative uses (such as hang in the balance, late 14c.), are from Middle English image of the scales in the hands of personified Justice, Fortune, Fate, etc.



Sounding of the word:

ball once

ball bounce

ball Hans

ball hands


ballan hans (Norwegian for: his balls)



Negative: I would fear to have unbalance on my credit card or fear to fall out of balance and to fall in physical from standing up.

Positive: This is a very positive word to me. It is like fundamental positive and a strong word. I am depending on this word. I am reliant to this word to live my life. It is a very supportive word to me.

Creative writing:

Balance is like a fundament of nature. A universal law sort of. I have drifted from balance into all sorts of issues. I need to have balance with my life. Balance is like, to rely on something so strongly that it will improve oneness progress. Balance is that non – movement and stills stand of calm and ease. Balance simply is. Balance is that unique way of structuring things. This world with its humans is lacking balance. This world needs balance so badly, so there is no wonder why there is so much war, abuse and separation going on. No wonder that there is so much difficulties going on as long as we have no balance. Balance is so badly needed, and I use this word to heal. I live this word, flow through it with my breathe and my senses. I live it with balancing my thoughts and feelings and emotions. I would live this word, and realize myself as this word. I would associate with this word and think of what I compare to this word. I realize how I write “I would” – with relating to this word. So there is something fundamental that I would do if I was living this word in my real or honesty or in virtue. Balance has deep roots with equality. And with being rooted or grounded. Balance is like to have a good self trust. Balance is to be calm and at ease. Balance is like to find myself, and to have a place of balance to empower from. I see balance as a my drug. I see myself carrying out some activity and doing some sort of work where I would rush for that one second and I would sort of loose balance, within the split of a second. This world is in colaps and it is crashing. So we are in system speaking, very out of balance today. So we need to find balance, a functional economy, and equality. That would change things – after the collapse. Further I would need to balance my days, with what I do to give the world balance i need to be in balance. Make food, vacume, go to gym, or just walk, read a book, writ a blog, do the dishes, and so on. I need a balance in what I do. I need different things to fill my day with. A balance. In this world that is so much out of balance, I need to be in balance. I need to be in balance, from how this world with its governments, wars, abuse, separation etc… is out of balance I need to be in balance.



Balance is when different elements and substance are cooperating into creating a solution that is best for all, reliant on the other to exist in equilibrium.








Day 635 – Self judgement was my struggle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it has no effect to say to myself “I will not judge myself” because of what happened when I was 6 years old playing nude games with neighbors and within this I forgive myself for taking it so hard a impact for being caught by a adult and with this I tell myself to stop judging myself for that episode,  I was a child and it was all programs and energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself for everything that is ever bad within my life and for taking everything very personal and blaming myself always pointing back at that one point of being caught by that adult when I was 6 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project guilt and fear and self judgement onto others, ending up inferior and depressed, when I see how emotional dimensions within me shape according to that one memory of being caught by a adult at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my fight through growing up have been guilt and self judging for all so many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would seek church, alcohol, drugs, psychiatry and so on, trying to cure myself from this guilt and judgment that I have to face, I was doing to myself.

When and as I see myself feeling like going into guilt or self judging, I stop and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that this fight was that nobody would win and like any war there was only losers participating. I realize that I can through focusing, directing, breathing and slowing down, I can end my self-judging. I can end the war and find peace with myself. I realize that self judgment only has losers and that one is me. I commit myself to slow down my tempo, and to focus on what is supportive, like living words, breathing and directing myself, slowing down, and to finally be done with the fight and have peace. I commit myself to give myself access to life and to live my life in every breathe. I commit myself to live my life for what is best for all and inn that is also, best for me.