Tag Archives: hobo

Day 838 – that cold anxiety

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, for accepting self to stay in a form of anxiety during my day, where I start by feeling a bit cold, where I catch myself seeing and realizing that my body remembers having been cold before, like when I was sleeping on the streets, mostly in Amsterdam and Kiel (Germany) in 2011. Where I realize that what is happening in me, is that I judge those parts of me according to the memory of me sleeping on the streets, and I judge and separate from the parts of me that are cold and view those parts (my feet or my hands or anywhere) as lesser-then as inferior, or “bad”  – from my memory of sleeping on the streets, and living without care for myself and without care for life – AND when my body remembers this – from the slightest cold, and I can see these physical memories of self inflicted abuse – on me – by me. I did it to myself.  Because everyone needs a home, without a home there is a lesser life and a lesser living, where I feel shocked and terrified, scared for realizing what life I have lived on automation – AND I end up abandoning myself as a homeless (hobo) and I leave that hobo to himself – I separate from those parts of me that is a hobo – and then from the first coldness, I judge and separate it, and I abandon it – going into anxiety over it, also horrified (but even more a deep empowerment potential) to realize that it is all myself. I walk that physical experience into judging, separation, abandoning and into anxiety, doubt  and fear – all of it made by self. Where I forgive myself as my beingness that I think I have to do this on automation – I am compelled to walk this systems of coldness, judging, separating, abandoning and into anxiety/emotions where I realize that is how I am programmed from parents, from TV, from school, from society and so on. AND I think to myself that wow (!) what a riddle this is – and what is it I have been living doing to myself – I have done this to myself – judging and abandoning me –  and living in that memory of being a hobo, where I see for myself in the deepest gratitude over self forgiveness – the sole fact that I did make these memories – these stories – these words (!) (of trauma/ being a hobo) to myself – me being a hobo was self creation – and that makes it sooooo cool to simply for – give within myself  –  the judgment and separation of these constructs of my mind that have been holding me back in anxiety – simply from feeling a bit cold – and then the whole riddle would automatically play itself out again huh (!) – I just spotted that and – I am stopping it on its tracks now!  If you can see and understand this – you can share the success (!) with me from investigating self with desteni.org  I just understood a deep point of anxiety within self! That is awesome and empowering.

Did you understand it  ? What about it do you not understand ?




This interview from the online library of eqafe sure have been of support: