Tag Archives: expression

Day 803 – communication

Opening up the word communication

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This word communication is rather interesting. First I would think to myself that it means  two different things. One is to talk or read and train ones cognitive ability as well as ones speaking and sounding. So one is the writing, reading, listening, sounding and speaking of text and words. Also It means to travel or move objects/people.  I can send a package from Oslo to Rome – and by that communicating between Oslo and Rome. A function operated by humans that are … agreeing to make so happen.

 

So it seem like there is this notion of  something to trade places. Object of substance that change location, either in physical (matter) reality or with information, energies and …words.

So two people that are talking, expressing with speaking and body language, are obviously communicating, but what is it that changes location/placement in such ? To  a very far degree I would say (today) that it is projections, energies, imaginations and pictures. To talk using metaphors. To use the mind and imagination. Which is in itself ok,  though it is not real. With real I mean physically, matter, here and solid. The usage of only metaphors often lead to much misunderstanding – within communication.

 

So this word is to me multiple in extent. By reading the time the buss arrives on a screen I am taking inn information and communication. With talking on the phone I communicate often through pictures and imagination, that is hidden or stored in the words that is used during the talk over the phone lines – from programming and energies within the being. Or talking to my neighbour while standing on the lawn, also using pictures more active using expression of my face and my hands and body to express, and then communicate. And if I ride with the buss between  location A and B, I communicate so.

 

So it is much to do with both expression, movement and transfer. When I during talk to my neighbor in the lawn, and I hold a hand at my hip, I am symbolizing something to my neighbor. If I start waving my arms I would maybe signalize that I am very stressed or angry. This is signals that my head/brain/mind sends to my arm (from unconscious or subconscious)  So then also there are signals and a program running in the back. I would place my hands on my hip, from having seen others do that before me, and learn that it means some sort of pride or firmness or stability. I would have known so from watching my parents, siblings, others, movies, etc. What is referred to as programming – which is massive. And the screen that lets me know of the information of the buss, is also a program, of a computer, like the human mind.

 

So this communication of mine, on programming, mind and computers lets us know that the essence of communication is centered and stored within the human. It has lots to do with expression and voicing of self, and how we are taught. And a very great deal about relationships. Who we are and how we express our selves to others.

 

So communication is quite a huge topic.  It seem that communication is mostly signals and electricity being passed from A to B, my brain/mind/programming telling myself to move my hands to my hip, or the driver of the buss physically moves the buss by operating the buss, systems, or the operator of the screen that holds the information of the buss is programming and typing in the info that the traveler needs. Or how I my fingers are told by signals to type in this very text.

 

So this is my initial awareness of the word communication.

Let’s look at it more creative and try to open up with the word itself.

 

common / – what is usual – what is normal practice,  I /- me the I person,  cation /- creation

/common creation (?)

Common also opens the door to the word communism

So let’s open that further

/come you what is on

/come on can I say some

/open mouth and say some

It is like something within us that needs to express, like something within us tells us to TALK lol… there is this cup, or water, pool, flowing over with info, and we need to talk and express. This overflow or need is often suppressed and denied within the human, this we know, and this suppression and denial of self needing to express, causes, misunderstandings and also conflict/illness that we see all around us. Again:  The usage of only metaphors/pictures of mind, often lead to much misunderstanding. It can be very subtle.

So we flow over with some energy /emotion, angst, fear, judging, blame, depression etc etc … we have a overload within us. And this is very problematic, this we know from our own experience and from watching the news.

So communication is much a human thing – or should I say lack of real communication is a human thing. Animals and plants live in expression, though you might say that a dog will communicate with you for sure. You might very well also say that your house plant communicate with you – though it is not the same as communicating with pictures and imaginations with your human friend/foe.

 

So what is real communication? Communication between humans are currently driven by metaphors, energies, emotion and pictures. It have been like this for some time. The more honest and genuine talk with words and expressions of matter is still not very common. To be physical, to be honest and real, not lost in imaginations, fantasy and mind drama. In other words, today mind is still governing much of the communication. Though this also ruins the communication because it is out of balance. To be able to talk from matter and life substance is not common today, though that is where we need to gain stability.  So to talk in pictures that means angst or depression or addictions, is  still communication – yes indeed.

I would however classify and arrange the figurative/picture (emotional) speaking, in a separate category of communication. A sort of sub-division. Of metaphoric, emotional, energetic/imaginative/channeling  speech.

 

So if we consider the design and appearance, of angst, depression, anger, desire, believes and fear (emotions) we see that the fact that this is prominent with our experience, and inn our communication it clutters up the message to a very far degree. It makes it rather chaotic and not very practical or comfortable at all, to give or receive information and sharing experiences/expressions.

Still my definition of communication is : Life in expression

 

Here is a interesting video on communication:

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

 

Thanks !

 

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Day 782 – expanding in the life process

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Looking at my current living, where I am, and my livelihood, and how I more or less creative and in consideration define myself to be, I would like to just elaborate on my current process and status. For many years I have defined myself as and within the stigmatizing ground of psychiatry, addictions, and mental illness. I have come to realize that we all, every single fart included of humankind are more or less mentally suffering, being of mind. Stating that I do not close myself into being only psychiatry or that ballpark anyway. How do I define myself today and within walking my process of total change into something more something better and supportive, something of real matter ? It is right there in front of me, like this impression of nature and of detail, and stability, because what am I doing ? I am expanding, including, uniting and cooperating. I discover, reveal and I heal. I learn and I grow. More than anything else. I discover myself, I close down my believes, my fears and my reactions and addictions, by uniting with its origin and life, structure of me is becoming one with the self, and with all that is me.

 

Within here is stored mega bytes of self forgiveness and persistent walking of my process, embracing self as life and uniting, and even creating more of me, what is discovering of my own expression – my living. I find myself more and more in equilibrium with not only nature as I see it, but me, self as life force, and will to live. I more than ever before,  would like to live till I am over 100 years old lol. There is so much I would like to participate with and further create.

 

Today more than ever before, I realize my standing and creative ability and life force. My will to go on with projects, chores, responsibility, daring to be a bit of a “clown” perhaps and taking on new challenges in common sense and self awareness. Many have said this before me that it is the nucleus cell and being of ordinary people, that will eventually change this world – because we change: ourselves, our ingrained patterns and behaviors,  first and become one and equal – physical, responsible as being and life force in where we are.

So for me at the moment it is about nurturing myself within slowing down and taking one breathe at the time, to really get this point of expanding and not falling into old destructive patterns of mind.

Today I notice such a simple thing as not daring to ask for a hug, and to embrace self completely, as another, would sort of bring me down, and I know that I could “take on a clown suit” and simply ask bluntly for a hug – and I would be granted so.

Time to embrace the clown from within huh ? To nurture and grow as a playful clown – myself. To rediscover play (and fun) in my daily life.

So in a way it is also about daring and taking that initiative. Being brave sort of. So that I can continue to walk and make progress and learn as I go. Grounding is perhaps a word I am seeking for.

Either way I am proud of who I am today, I have a level of integrity and self respect. I am someone new at the same time reborn as self in the physical. I live to suit the support of life and to expand myself on all areas of progressing and sustainable creation.

Realizing just now, sitting here typing in front of my screen, that, I have had a long history of being for instance dyslectic. I have still difficulties with writing  by hand – and reading it later. School was not my thing lol. But I will not blame the system – because the system is me. I created it. Together with for instance you. So it is a process of uniting, embracing and forgiving, bringing back to self all parts that I has separated myself from and made into mind fucks and loops, recycling the mind junk. Today I embrace it and bring it back to me- to oneness and equality.

 

Thanks for reading !

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 747 – emotionally addicted

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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take on/attack myself with angst, fear, judgments, anger and depression, and for not being able to clear the house/my body completely of these emotions (…) and then simply returning to self, with a more concentrated personality/mixture of these poisonous emotions and to crucify myself within my flesh/body with these designs, over and over again – not seeing until now the infinite looping returning to sender (me) like basic math.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be done with judging/blaming myself so it returns from the ego/consciousness with greater force since now I am aware of it, I know it is “there”, for it to knock me out and to crucify me and make me hurt.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself feel like letting go of emotions, and I think to myself they are simply imaginary and they don’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself dump my emotions on others/project it on others – simply to have it smack me out of my chair in the next turn.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to learn my emotions from scratch.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like emotions got me doomed.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and to think that they have it so much easier than me.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at, and try to make sense of  this looping of emotions short-cutting me into little pieces and making me suffer – from the design of the conscious mind and polarity/energy design, like a rollercoaster/blender from hell.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is my schizophrenia – I have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop the conscious looping and energy games – it will only cause consequences for me.

I commit myself to look closer at the bigger picture here, and to look deep into myself, about looping /playing games with energies in my mind.

sooo…

loving the fear & the angst… (looking deep inside)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can express more/be more explicit/creative, when I am inn angst and in anxiety and this then gives me a sense of freedom within being lost in angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like angst since I feel like I can express more freely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to angst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a tool to manipulate particular in ways to gain sex and to try to use fear to gain sex to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to “like” fear as a tool to have/gain/manipulate to have sex.

here I talk more on my schizophrenia : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO3fFWY-jh4&t=0s

here is a cool interview: https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-schizophrenia

Other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

Day 736 – emotional target

carrying the blueprint of schizophrenia – more easy emotional target of mind

 

karlsoy

photo from Karlsøya, Troms, 2008 (?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak and fragile, and for more easy take on energies such as anxiety from my daily living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get over anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim in some strange game of life where I fail to see that I make these choices myself from within and how I chose to live my life breath by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could delete my schizophrenia in total by forgiving all its components something i am doing, and untill i have done this i will easy be a target for emotions to knock me out in my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself into a easy pray for emotions/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how i make a choice in choosing to take on energies and emotions or components within and how i am the one making these choices – i must take responsibility for it, move forgive and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is a very firm and “made” fact that since i have schizophrenia i more easy sway into emotions, failing to realize that anything is possible and i am a creator of this world to crate my own destiny.

 

 

Here I talk about schizophrenia and my insights

enjoy:

 

 

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.org/

 

 

 

Day 652 – Living words GENTLENESS

At desteni we are : LIVING WORDS

Check out links: http://wiki.destonians.com/Living_Word

& http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=147

 

index

 

 

GENTLENESS

Current allocation: I would think of this word like : over protection, like giving more coz and attention than needed. Like a nurse simply “diddeling and doddeling” with you, giving you lots of extra and not asked for attention and consideration. I would think of this word as a word over the top, like to exaggerate. To overdo something.

Dictionary definition: gentleness

  1. Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.
  2. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft: a gentle scolding; a gentle tapping at the window.
  3. Easily managed or handled; docile: a gentle horse.
  4. Not steep or sudden; gradual: a gentle incline.
  5. a. Of good family; wellborn: a child of gentle birth.
  6. Suited to one of good breeding; refined and polite: a gentle greeting to a stranger.
  7. Archaic Noble; chivalrous: a gentle knight.

 

Etymology: gentleness (n.)

  1. 1300, “inherited nature,” from gentle + -ness. Meaning “freedom from harshness or violence” is from 1610s.

 

Sounding of word:

gen test

gentel test

geenes

gentle nest

jeans next

 

Polarity:

Negative: I would think of gentleness as “to much care”. Like to overdo it. “Too much of good” sort of. And a sort of fear of what opens up within – from experiencing gentleness.

Positive: I would think of considering and providing care and consideration to others. To be gentle and to go with ease.

 

Creative writing:

It is connected to genes somehow, like how we must be gentle with even our genes. Harsh is like the opposite of gentle(ness). I would realize that there is no overdoing goodness or ease at all, it is just my imagination. Doing good cannot become “too good”. By doing lots of good or being over all gentle and easy, one is making people more kind and open to more gentleness. By being gentle one opens up new doors and oneness consciousness to new consideration and to simple best for all solutions. It is sort of claiming peace.

 
Redefinition:

Gentleness: is being so; over all good and acting with such ease, that it inspires to further consideration and further healing. Gentleness, is claiming peace by being so good it makes people surrender their tensions/arms/polarities.

 

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Day 587 – abundance = a – bun – dance

abundance = a – bun – dance

streetdancer-hoody tormodhg

Let’s have more fun.

I was walking through town today, through the busy city of Stavanger, that is losing lots of it oil related, jobs these days. I met and I hugged a cool artist, college, that I know of. I gave some money to some beggars, from east – Europe,  and I met some people that where obviously drug addicts. I bought some coffee and I bought a magazine to support the income of one of these drug addicts. Selling magazines is one of their type of income. In general enjoyed myself very much. I felt like I was unable to express this enjoyment. Hardly at all. I felt like I wanted to express what I felt. My inspiration, my breathing, me. Soooo,  I put on my spotify, on Beasty Boys, from my mobile and put my headphones on. And I danced in the shopping center, along the buss waiting crowds, and into the streets. I was living. I experienced great enjoyment. People started looking at me, smiling and signalizing, to me that it was cool what I was doing.

It is not a totally uncommon scene, to see people dance in the streets, perhaps in, New York, out of pure expression. But in Norway it is sure as hell, is not common. Far from. I want to make it common. This should be natural. It may even seam scary to some, to imagine themselves dancing like I did, but it should be natural. We are programed to fear and to obey the system. Expression is systematically suppressed from school and society. Enough is enough.

Dancing is cool because it is so in the moment, and you sort of can not miss it. It create positive and honest (!) sharing of moments. People smile and give you thumbs up and so on. There is a genuine support within receiving honest remarks of support from folks. From acting and expressing, real arts, in the streets.

There is always talks, typically inn Norwegian towns, to spend lots of money on new opera and concert houses and there seaming unlimited budgets to have a concert, scene for expression and music. The honest act, from the streets, is not values as much. Though that is much more genuine. Billions are spent each year on project where politicians can turn the spot of ego into their very own. It is corruption. The new concert house of Bjergsted (Stavanger), is s typically sign of corruption. Plain and simple. Supposedly supporting “fine” arts. But the real artist is left begging on the streets.

Do you want to help me putt a end to this ? For good ?

Have you have enough of abuse, and ego, in this world ?

Join us at desteni.org and lest solve shit out. And lets dance the summer days away from our feet to people’s attention. Lets dance like this; is heaven on earth. Because it sure can be. Let’s make that happen. We are the change that we have been waiting for, this is it, capre diem & abra – ca – dabra. Let’s make the best of it.

Let’s dance!

Day 526 – My relationship to arts.

What is my relationship to art ? What is my connection to living with art and living as an artist ?

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I remember how I started with painting and working with arts. It was that one day my mother would visit my apartment in Stavanger (Norway). I think it was in 2004. She would ask me, if I wanted to start to paint. She would remind me of the fact that my grandfather, was a painter, and I started to think of him, the kind of artist he was. Maybe I had it in me ? It was like this whole new dimension opened up within me of imagining myself as a painter. I remember going into resentment over mom’s question. I would feel sort of bashful or embarrassed over her asking me this question actually. Picturing nude models in my head. Picture of playing important roles and vernissages also popped up. Yet, all things considered, I agreed to start to paint.

So we bought several canvases and we bought lots of paint. Pencils and all sorts of equipment. I was at this time also attending the Fountainhouse in Stavanger, a sort of day care center, where I was later also painting. My paintings at the Fountain hose was supported by the house back then. We got a lot of the painting equipment for free. And then we made profit from selling the pictures. I have been producing arts for well 10 years now. I have been selling my arts to people that I know and to people that I do not know.

Later in my life when looking through my old drawers I find work of drawing and collages and all sorts of cool arts that I made before, when I was a child. Where I would later do it more competitive as an adult artist.

And there is some of the clue. Right there. Competing and comparison is really not cool with arts/life. It is making people stuck with in the bi polar bubble of left and right, bad and good, plus and minus etc. It is handicapping a lot of artist and limiting them to despair. It is causing artist to go into drinking and drugging from the experience of having to compete with other artist instead of expressing more freely. Competing and comparison would be a invisible undercurrent within my career as an artist in the disguise of alcohol and drugs, where I would escape with using drugs and alcohol, to try to get on top of other artists to promote myself, to sell more pictures and eventually to by more dope/alcohol.

I have categorized myself as a sort of a pop artist. Post grunge pop artist actually 🙂 I have been producing paintings mostly with icons and portraits of people and of animals and also fishes lol. I stared a painting group in 2007, in the city of Stavanger. It was the best days of my career within arts. I was painting almost every day and producing lots of pictures and I was also selling them. Strong colors, and mixed media, was my style. Sort of abstract, and sort of pop. I have used lots of tools in my paining process, to get the best expression within the painting.

Art to me is like life. You start with (sort of) a white canvas, like you start you day, not knowing what it may bring. Art is to support life in evolving and growing and exploring and reflecting and informing. Arts is a tool to express and to communicate and to develop and to evolve as life. Arts to me have been mostly pictures on a wall, that is how I have been working and selling arts. Art is expression, and more people should be expressing more using arts. That way we could see lees abuse and less crime, I am convinced. Arts is like a relief from sorrow and suffering. Because it express something genuine within us. Art is like a drug in itself. This document is art to me.

I tried to go to art school, but I was rejected. This was kind of a hard blow to me and I went into anger and sorrow as a result of being rejected. I felt like the world had betrayed me. And maybe it did, I would still go on producing arts and selling them, thinking that the rejection was not going to get the best of me.

Being a artist through my 10 years in the making, it have also thought me the extremes of competition and comparison, of superiority and ego, sorrow and escape, in the world of promoting arts and promoting self. Art today is very competitive and it is not cool for the art that it is that competitive. It is supposed to be a expression and not that much a “game”. Drugs and alcohol addiction is often a result of this undercurrent of mind and within the art world.

I have been making arts to express myself but also to sell them to the highest bidder. I have been making arts to make my voice be heard. I have been producing arts to make money to satisfy my addiction of drug and alcohol, because I felt for the competing and comparison tendency of being involve with arts.

My relationship to arts would go back to my memories of seeing my mother’s fathers working outdoors and indoors with painting and drawings. I would have been like 3 or 4 year old when I first understood what he was doing. My grandfather was a aquarelle painter mostly, and I would look up to him because of his reputation as a painted and as art and craft teacher that he actually was back then.

I would think of my grandfather as a great artist. I remember some of the old arts that he made in our old house, back when I was a kid. I remember in particular one other picture, that was not done by him though, it was big blue picture, at my parents house, poster style, of two characters or icon of two characters just standing there. A sort of a iconic or almost ironic portrait in blue and black. I think they where meant to illustrate relationship and partnership. I also remember this one drawing or cartoon that my aunt had on here lookers to her kitchen. It was the pictures of a woman peeing in a servant at what seemed like a public toilet for men, where the lady would lift here foot to pee in the male servant. It was like a protesting or activist/feministic point with the whole cartoon on her kitchen wall.

These where two pictures that would make impressions within me. And later many more, would shape me, together with my history of my grandfather and other artists, is where I would think that my ideas of arts and art interest would emerge from. In my teens as well as in my childhood years I would like cartoons a whole lot. I would cherish this interest of cartoons later in my life with all sorts of comics and cartoons.

I realize that today 10 years later I have a stafeli in my living room, and a canvas on it. I realize today that I want to feel much more free with how I paint and what I paint. I think to myself that I am tired of the competition. I do not want to compete with other artists no more. I realize that I have had it with competing and comparison and I will work through self – forgiveness to release myself from this boxing in, to competing and comparison – game.

Today I am living more of a avant-garde or performance life. My whole life is now my arts scene. I walk a process of forgiving myself. In complete and brutal honesty. And I am going through changes. Physically. From conscious to awareness.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my grandfather during my painting sessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as superior or inferior to my grandfather.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed when my mother would asked me if I wanted to start to paint because I would think that I would be painting portraits of nude women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my thought of “I do not ever want to compete and compare myself to other artist again” where I later give into aggression if I should find myself competing or comparing again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that “I do not want to paint again, until there is no more competing or comparison within me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is crap and that it is not worthy of anything, and I would think this after having pushed myself through competing and comparison and ending up in inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my arts is not that competitive and there for not that cool, since I feel I can’t compete with it, or that it is inferior or superior to other artists that makes it worthy of judging and criticism, from myself within as I would judge it without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I would compare the art that have ended up in the hands of C and D for my best work, and the best productions that I have made so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people cannot judge my art after they have bought it. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is superior in compare with other peoples arts because it have my signature, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my arts is inferior or superior to other peoples arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is either inferior or superior and that it is either of these ways and that there is nothing else to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am better at comparing my arts to other peoples arts where I always come out as the best painter because I favor myself in the competition, where I realize that I am actually clinging on to the trophy of competing and comparison, and promoting my thought or ideas of being superior or best and giving into thoughts of being nr one and being superman of arts, clinging on to my trophy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my arts is not that cool because I use so many extra articles to produce it and to make it look extra nice and that would by some reason be counted as “cheating” , but I call it helping and being creative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I think that my arts with C and her family is not hanging tight on the wall, and that the picture is not stable because of how I would consider myself and my life situation to be unstable and not to be trusted if I am going to paint again, where I realize that I have this doubt on my paintings especially with the painting of C but also with D and the paintings that C and D have is because of my insecurity and turmoil’s within myself over my life situation of having self trust and living a honest life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my art is haunted by ghost and that since they are haunted by ghost, they are living a life of their own on the walls in the many homes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to write this post to make the paintings at C and D hang stabile and right on their walls because of the friction or war within my head / the pictures /mind that are really unstable or at least to my imagination, where I realize that it is all in my head and it is related to my stories with C and D and the history that I share with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I realize that If I can find sound within a picture there is simply turmoil within my head and inn my mind as it would be wrong of me to go after the picture or its owners from that reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I have been taking on a artist role for the last 10 years or so and I have been involved in arts because of how it makes me able to express myself, within painting pictures and colors and codes and I realize that when I find myself in this position of giving into the thoughts that goes “I am an artist”, the thought keeps on going and going and makes itself into a further “importance” of a thoughts, until how I try to “promote” myself within thoughts, or to give into importance to this thought further and about myself being an artist. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize this one specific model or pattern that I give into the importance of me being an artist and the further I continue with how I give into competing and comparison over thinking on other artists that are in my awareness. And I go into competing and comparison over the reason of the importance of the thought “I am an artist”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be carried away within how I would think that I am superior or inferior to other artists, and I would use this roller coaster to promote myself within how I give into the ongoing thought of how important I am compare to A or B or C, and I realize that I give into competing and comparing to these 3 artist the most, or recently, and I realize that I am finding myself almost constantly in competing with particular these 3 artist but also other artists like E, F or G.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into competing and comparison with X and Y over thinking that I could write better than X or Y or other popular authors and poets that I would think of as important or with relevance to the words, and the system where we live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into competing and comparison over Jackson Pollack, and his particular type of painting, where he would throw painting on the canvas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other artists for their life styles and not for their arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memory of negative value of the black and blue iconic and ironic picture on my parents wall that would illustrate partnership that I would think back at my days when my parents were younger and I would relate the arguing and the yelling from theme and I would relate that picture with yelling and arguing parents / partners.

When and as I see myself heading into competing and comparison with other artist I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want to be able to stand equal and one with competing and comparison and to not have to face the friction of competing and comparison again. I realize that competing and comparison is not a cool thing at all and that it is simply cold-hearted and mean the way it plays out. I realize that I am not further interested in competing an comparison at all, and I realize how I want to paint without having to compete or compare my arts at all.

When and as I see myself going into my arts and I fear to end up within competing and comparison. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want to avoid to go into competing an comparison. I realize that I would like to avoid competing and comparison at all cost. I realize that I fear competing and comparison. I realize that I want to live a artist life without competing and comparison. I realize that my life as a artist have very much evolved around being or living within competing or comparison. I realize that I must find a solution to this. I realize that I must find a way to work with arts that is cool for me. I realize that I must make arts supportive to myself. I realize that I must be able to work with arts, inn a supportive manner. I commit myself to play more with colors within my arts. I commit myself to keep exploring arts and to evolve with arts so that I am evolving as a human. I commit myself to use more colors with my working. I commit myself to keep painting. I commit myself to the equation of doing what is best or all at all times and to work for equality and oneness in everything that I do.