Tag Archives: desteni i process

Day 795 – Relationship patterns within me/self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have second thoughts and to practically want to dump the relationship when it gets hard within facing some challenges and to have a plan B, a extra girl that I could go into a relationship with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don’t really want a relationship, I want just the sex and good times the rest can just be, and within this fall back on old patterns of using girls in relationships as objects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want the hard parts of a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know what a relationship is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think a relationship is like “Friends” or “Sex in the city” or any typical TV show or magazine picture that is 100 % fake news – on what a relationship is about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in TV and Hollywood/whatever lifestyle on what is reality and how things work, living in a bubble, that has no match, it is simply no-good for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not defined a relationship to myself, how I would realistic want it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can not value or appreciate a girl since I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit to a girl, out of fear of what I might say or do that would expose me and leave me vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be honest and to fear to be me, open and vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not mature enough to have a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and sad for how I have handled relationships in my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an abuser of relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate myself or the other being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value life as I would like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate myself and give myself space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect someone to love me when I don’t love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect someone to like me when I don’t like myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect someone to want to be with me when I cant be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up and communicate on all levels of me to a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money solves all issues with a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex solves all issues with a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that imagining, nice fluffy words, imaginations and projections is any good for a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Netflix/HBO solves and saves a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to……….(you can fill in on your own terms; self forgiveness goes beyond relationships)

 

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self forgiveness has the best effect : when spoken out load – like self communication

enjoy:

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

Day 782 – expanding in the life process

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Looking at my current living, where I am, and my livelihood, and how I more or less creative and in consideration define myself to be, I would like to just elaborate on my current process and status. For many years I have defined myself as and within the stigmatizing ground of psychiatry, addictions, and mental illness. I have come to realize that we all, every single fart included of humankind are more or less mentally suffering, being of mind. Stating that I do not close myself into being only psychiatry or that ballpark anyway. How do I define myself today and within walking my process of total change into something more something better and supportive, something of real matter ? It is right there in front of me, like this impression of nature and of detail, and stability, because what am I doing ? I am expanding, including, uniting and cooperating. I discover, reveal and I heal. I learn and I grow. More than anything else. I discover myself, I close down my believes, my fears and my reactions and addictions, by uniting with its origin and life, structure of me is becoming one with the self, and with all that is me.

 

Within here is stored mega bytes of self forgiveness and persistent walking of my process, embracing self as life and uniting, and even creating more of me, what is discovering of my own expression – my living. I find myself more and more in equilibrium with not only nature as I see it, but me, self as life force, and will to live. I more than ever before,  would like to live till I am over 100 years old lol. There is so much I would like to participate with and further create.

 

Today more than ever before, I realize my standing and creative ability and life force. My will to go on with projects, chores, responsibility, daring to be a bit of a “clown” perhaps and taking on new challenges in common sense and self awareness. Many have said this before me that it is the nucleus cell and being of ordinary people, that will eventually change this world – because we change: ourselves, our ingrained patterns and behaviors,  first and become one and equal – physical, responsible as being and life force in where we are.

So for me at the moment it is about nurturing myself within slowing down and taking one breathe at the time, to really get this point of expanding and not falling into old destructive patterns of mind.

Today I notice such a simple thing as not daring to ask for a hug, and to embrace self completely, as another, would sort of bring me down, and I know that I could “take on a clown suit” and simply ask bluntly for a hug – and I would be granted so.

Time to embrace the clown from within huh ? To nurture and grow as a playful clown – myself. To rediscover play (and fun) in my daily life.

So in a way it is also about daring and taking that initiative. Being brave sort of. So that I can continue to walk and make progress and learn as I go. Grounding is perhaps a word I am seeking for.

Either way I am proud of who I am today, I have a level of integrity and self respect. I am someone new at the same time reborn as self in the physical. I live to suit the support of life and to expand myself on all areas of progressing and sustainable creation.

Realizing just now, sitting here typing in front of my screen, that, I have had a long history of being for instance dyslectic. I have still difficulties with writing  by hand – and reading it later. School was not my thing lol. But I will not blame the system – because the system is me. I created it. Together with for instance you. So it is a process of uniting, embracing and forgiving, bringing back to self all parts that I has separated myself from and made into mind fucks and loops, recycling the mind junk. Today I embrace it and bring it back to me- to oneness and equality.

 

Thanks for reading !

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 769 – Camphill living

Perspective on living in a ecological farm

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cows out to grass

Camphill villages is ecologically driven villages and farms and communities that is suited and designed to people with disabilities and needs, who don’t usually fit into the larger hectic/capitalistic society/system. Personally I am diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My camphill life is structured so I can work my way through my schizophrenia with walking with the tools of desteni.org

I just realized that from me living on a ecological, camphill farm and village it gives me the opportunity to have structure. HUH ! We all need some sort of structure and organizing to function optionally. To me structure is like a pattern of organizing – it gives me a sense of control in my living. And after that freedom within the application/task !

I live in a camphil village in the south west of Norway. I have lived here since 01.07.2016. Let me tell you that life here is truly swell. Now there are so many different ways to be living life here on this earth and I would say I am truly grateful for living where I am and under these conditions that is present.

It gives me routines and structure. I provides me with cultural and spiritual/emotional insight. It serves me the best and healthiest of food. It grounds me with good work for the body. It gives me inspiring and touching and dear talks and interactions. It provides me with very dear friendship and colleges and hugs, and it is a international touch to it with people here from all corners of the world.

Life here is season based. And there are things like Bible study groups and practice of Christian tradition. This is of course voluntary if ones chooses to participate or not. I find the Bible study group very interesting – I get to share my insights and perspective from this important historical script.

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me after a days work

Now in the spring I can walk outside and pick my food of herbs from the garden. I can go swim in the fjord or in a freshwater stream, and enjoy a talk, a flower, a goat  … on my way to do so.

There are currently goats, sheep, cows, chicken, birds, bees, and cats here. They provide me with honesty, insight , groundednes, stability,  and realness, awareness and strength – besides the meat, milk, honey and eggs that is also on my plate.

We are very sufficient with dairy products, meat, some herbs, some fruits, berries and also a lot of vegetables.  This awareness is awesome and it brings up gratefulness and humbleness within me.

Camphill living with interacting with animals is very therapeutic. A goat will “tell” you straight. The animals, are honest and real, they are not mind based like us humans.   They don’t have our obsessive thinking, so they are more stabile and here, firm, grounded, sound as physical and natural. Something I know that we humans must learn sooner or later…

Being able to go out and pet a cow or a sheep or talk to the chickens is just medicine ! Very rejuvenating and real! I am very grateful for that presence in my living. It makes me more honest, and alive, like colourful and expressive.

 

One can even go as far as to say that this planet should be for animals and nature only, and not for humans. If we look at how humans treat nature, other humans, animals and so on… it makes sense. Which means that we (humans) must change… or we are doomed. There is no other way.

 

I am grateful for my living in this camphill. Some of the traditions is maybe not of my liking, but there is room to discuss and debate most things. The antroposofic way is known to be a alternative way of living in Norway. Most of it is very cool and down to earth. Either way we can debate practice and reach common ground. The environment  and the ecological policy is very appealing to me and I would imagine to all people. The camphill way is by all means a way for the future.  I don’t agree to some of the Christian/religious traditions, but we can work through it and come to agreements.

The way of living is simple, and structured and rich. I recommend to find a camphill near you, and become friends with them, visit them and test it out. There are camphill villages mostly in Western Europe, North America, but also in Russia, South – Africa and India.

Enjoy your investigation of camphill !

http://camphill.net/

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Day 765 – To much help ?

With walking my desteni I process, being a living breathe on this earth with applying the tools that is offered generously by the desteni – group… I have come to realize a sneaking pattern within my mind and living experience. So I already mention that desteni offers allot of solutions. Assistance for self to apply. Like self forgiveness, breathe awareness, self honesty, self trust, self responsibility, physical awareness, living words and so on. These are some of the main pillars and tools/applications that is offered by desteni. Like you can see they are many.

 

And this point of the assisting tools being many my mind have used against me. Like my mind would project out a picture and “feeling” like all these components like a rack, stacked on top of each other… unorganized and very chaotic. Like a big mess. Make a big deal of a small point – which of mind is a expert lol…

 

One more time: my mind would try to use the multitude of assisting tools to tell me and convince me to discard and sort of give up my assisting applications, by telling me they are chaotic and unorganized. Like a mess of help lol.

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So… ” Mind is a beautiful servant but a dangerous master” – Osho

 

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Mind will work (if allowed) against life. Against me. So I must find ways to not give mind place/room/space within me – by using my applications – by being physical. I must not fear or hate my mind, simply take charge of it. It is not done over night.

 

So this is a point for me to look into. The word “organized” also the multitude of things and applications that I have. Question is if take them for granted ? Do I take my assisting tools for granted ? What do I take for granted in my living ?  Important questions to ask self.

Thanks for reading

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

Day 762 – I am GATVOL of fear

I decide today that : I am GATVOL of fear

“Gatvol” I learn is africaan and it means “no more”

I decide to not allow myself going into fear. Instead I become here with myself, looking within myself, sensing and being aware of myself, within of my body, in self honesty.

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Fear makes us angry – let’s NOT be angry !

Fear and anger is the opposite of solution.

 

Here is two awesome links to investigate:

https://eqafe.com/p/why-is-the-world-becoming-angrier-heart-of-matter

https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-fear

 

Instead for feeding my mind with energies and reactions, “what if” – kind of thinking and paranoia.

I say till here no further. GATVOL with fear. Fear is a imagination – it is a lie.

I have been corrupting myself enough with “what if thoughts”, fear and imaginations of mind.

Instead I will be here with myself supporting myself and living self honest. And I will secure it with living words. Living words like; intimacy, support, genuine, honesty, guide, deep, gentle, stable, calm etc.

 

So… if I face situations that can seen stressful or reactive. I stop, and I breathe… perhaps I close my eyes for a second. I move within to self support. I embrace the situation and live and act in self honesty.

 

If everyone could do this and drop the fear… THAT is real change…

wooooow… what a potential !

Are you ready for this kind of world change ?

 

Let’s join teams !

 

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

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Day 678 – marginalizing my schizophrenia

 

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Living with schizophrenia you soon find yourself in the … rather marginalized parts of society. Or to me this seems like the overall picture and something we all would like to change and heal. But when the overall old establishment is only triumphing away with its insane money system, stress, ignorance, fear/ war systems, abuse etc…  then that is what you get. You get addictions, crime, escapism, drama and psychosis and suffering , from how the old money system is rigged and corrupt to the core and beyond.

Notice that this is all traced back to each and every one of us the way we live our lives according to our very own : mind consciousness system – inn lack of self responsibility, self honesty, real love etc…. the mind consciousness system eats you raw and that is all how we are programmed  – to suit into the system – to like it,  accept it and applaud it. We are forced to like it and approve it from our upbringing and our programming and schooling – because hey: our parents did not know any better either. They where programmed to. There are solutions to this mind consciousness / maze we are inn – if you ask me I would share solutions with you. The solution is you.

 

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2003. I have later studied and understood that I was born with schizophrenia. That is my reality. This is more and more accepted particular in USA  – the blueprint land. The fact that I thought of suicide at age 13 had to come from somewhere and I have traced it back to my conceiving, and my reincarnation process/ my creation – when I was just a fetus. Math of me. I could share a world with you if you care to listen. Things are not what they seem.

 

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In my 20’s and 30’s I would search high and low for that community and that place to find shelter and care  and compaction, hope, honesty  to be able to live my life with my diagnosis and my experience and my many emotions. I would go into drugging and drinking and the …again marginalized part of society to find meaning and serenity and sanity. When I say the marginalized parts of society I mean the types of places like culture houses, hippie collective, people and institutions that are outside of the ordinary govern-  mind  money rule system of enslavement.

And we do need such places. Such places of anarchy (the perfect order) and a safe haven for so many people.

I could physically not accept that old system of banks, police and govern  – mind etc… It was impossible to me to live with them or should I say according to them. I would oppose them with my everything. Later I learned to trace the origins of these authorities within myself and my mind. All the bullshit/fear/abuse that we see around today, us is traceable back to our mind consciousness systems and our accepted and allowed programming.

I am currently working on establishing self authority. It is all a process to be walked; I welcome you to join me.

 

The ordinary life of .. suppression, ignorance and over all traditions and consumer culture, money system, mass media … you name it.. I had had enough of it. I refused to accept it and I refuse still. I am a politician and so are you : so we damn best live up to it for the  coming generations.  So I would search alternative ways to live. This have led me down many a path, not always safe and sound with what I was getting into still I did it to survive. I would live my life with several addictions and constant suffering and drama where ever I went. I was living like a rocker or a outcast. It was my way of surviving. I was dirty poor, addicted and practically dying or dead from all my voices, and my suffering of mind and body.

From this low down hard lonely and frozen place I was able to hear a message. The desteni message. This was coming through to me in 2010 / 2011. In 2012 I started to walk my process. I committed to the desteni I process. I can tell you for sure that my process have been quite a ride. I am working on my balance with my previous many addictions. I would push myself to reach for that self honest and that realness. To be my own authority. To be directive with myself. I have been on brink of crawling back into myself and into psychosis many times – breathing and grounding myself as breath have helped me many times to stabilize/ground myself. It have been quite a process. From where I was it could almost only go one way. I was so way down dirt and dying. I was at bottom. No questions about it. I could only improve my life from where I was. At desteni you get the truth. There is hardly sugarcoating at all. You are told things that might be painful and disturbing,  but you realize within the core of your being that it is real.  It is best to be told truth on this side of life, because we don’t know what is expecting us on the other side. Best to deal with all the components here in real time. I started to walk my process, and I would evolve and improve my living from day to day. I would have my drivers license back, I would go to work, I have written several hundred blogs about being me with schizophrenia (schizoaffective). I have about 80 vlogs on youtube about my process that I have been walking, with desteni. I have about 20  tracks on soundcloud where I explain my walking and my point of view. Similar on Mixlr.

 

So, I have risen from the ashes, like phoenix the bird. I have gotten myself into the rooms where the new psychiatry and drugs treatment is happening. I make myself heard, with my experience. I am discovering my own directive principle. I am discovering to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am discovering words, to be responsible.  I am discovering to be self honest. I am learning  to  be a leader. I am discovering self discipline and virtue.

I am like a child again.  Because with desteni I process I learn to take away the  energies and the psychology that are holding me back from life !

 

My process right now is about my be – lie – ve within  a perceived righteousness programming and elements within myself. This might sound  strange to many, but I can repeat that. A be – lie  – ve system/complex of seeing myself as superior or moralistic over others/life and having this perceived righteousness as my bother/pain (this construct is a actual pain within me). You don’t find this in  doctors office… only at desteni do we go so deep within the human mind and consciousness experience – and bring it back into physicality and practicality. All of it. Into living words and applications.  Oneness and equality.  It is with accuracy, self honesty and responsibility, I am able to direct myself to share this with you from my walking.

This is who I am today spring 2016 – walking out of be – lie – ve / perceived righteousness. How are you doing yourself ?

 

morningsurf

“morning surf”