Tag Archives: creative

Day 781 – Dragging along old mind junk – mind recycled

Dragging along old mind junk – mind recycled

Who am I as a creator ? What do I truly create ?

Something that I was recently made aware of, and that I in self honesty also knew of, is how I drag with me old mind junk, and mind data from the past that I would like to say that is gone and that I am done with – that is still here. Some of the old dominating systems of my mind. Things like “self judgment” and “fear” – systems. These two buggers in particular.  Some of the very dominant system that we as humans carry. These systems, have very deep seated roots on the humans experience. And people walk through life without properly dealing with it. This has effect on life as we know it on earth today  – as well as for the afterlife and infinite existence of humans. Now, I have tools to work through this, I know how to heal and how to work through this and … literally I know how to change. It is only myself who is responsible for not changing. I have self forgiveness, self honesty, living words, breathe, etc, and I should know how to balance this by now. There is no excuse for me to not change.


Still my mind programming is heavy. And in this interview of Annuaki he explains how this responsibility is mostly missed by humans, that we are not creating for real – we drag with us old systems, still.

So these two systems, self judgment and fear, are poking me like crazy. And they should – because I should not need to be mind slave within such a equation. Thing is that I see that my consciousness is recycling itself like it did before. Making old problems new again, “making suffering great again”…lol…within mind,  making fear into anger, and self judgment into blame and so on. So I must stop it and alter – create a better reality.





self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag on specifically fear and self judgment, where I think to myself that some of the things I have done is unforgivable to myself as a being, and that I would think in my mind that me in my afterlife/reflection would not be forgiven, by my beingness,  for some of my deeds/thoughts on this earth, missing the picture of how I let my conscious mind dictate me into thinking “I am not good enough” – “I am not forgiven enough”, “I can’t do this” and ending up in fear and in self judgment – mind systems recycled.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a moral obligation to drag with me fear and self judgment thinking everyone does this and so should I, not seeing or reflecting on how the word “moral” in this world,  protects the very abusers (religion, war, government etc), and within so I am not better than anyone else, for dragging with me fear and self-judgment like emotions that I am eager to give away, and look into my beingness/awareness, and how I need to dump & delete these emotions once and for all.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine, the thought that  I can make a drawing and a picture or some arts about me leaving “my old emotions”, and systems behind and not fully seeing, how drawing and arts it could assist me in quantifying my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it fascinating and yet disturbing to see how I find it very hard to dump of me, these systems (fears, self judgments) and at the same time how eager mind is to pick it up and  recycle it into my living/suffering.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by my mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to give my mind direction, and a “occupation”.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had not been able to see or fully realize and comprehend, that as long as I drag with me the constructs/concept of fear and self judgment, my mind will know so, detect so,  l and it will make a big thing/addiction/suffering/recycleling out of it – since both fear and self judgment  are mind based systems.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the desire to see into my fears and my self judgment, like  a desire to see it diminish and disappear,  like to kiss it good bye for good where I would indulge in memories and my mind would catch up with me and “boom”… the mind systems are recycled.


When and as I see myself going into re – inventing fear and self judgment, I stop myself, I take a deep breath, and I slow the fuck down.  I have come to realize that I must know my fears and my self judgments – and from there “weed them out” from a distance. To see them, within self, to alter within self and change as self so that awareness/focus/reality is something else, and not fear, and self judgment. I realize that I have all the tools I need to get through this, I must simply slow down and find myself stable and ready to create best for all/best for  me solutions.


I commit myself to be with my tools, and my support to give myself chores and creative tasks. I commit myself to stay busy, creative but slow and commonsensical.




These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof









Day 742 – Living the word organized


From having lived for about 3 decades very un – organized, in system uproar and sabotage, I realize with assistance from eqafe.com and from walking my desteni i process, that this word < organized > holds great potential to me.

From changing oneself from “reverse” of life… into “drive” of life –  one have to bring with the whole words/world’s that makes one…. up for recovery and change.

Why, or how is it  that this word holds potential to me ? Well since my life was very chaotic and disturbed with addictions and all sorts of mind concepts and conscious complications, I was living very much in opposition to this word organized. unconsciously I would despite this word, and down grade it, or more precisely down grade myself from looking at it. You see, words are almost like life, or at least they are very connected !  And I have gone through some huge changes that last 5 years of my life. I now appreciate being organized and I find the process of organizing, my life, to be quite fun, enjoyable, and supportive.

I have also defined this word to myself. So that it suits me. I can recommend working on words and to define them too suit your being. Play with words, express, live words, and redefine words. Check out SOUL

This is how I have redefined organized: to have such a arrangement of details so that all involved parts are comfortable.

Thanks for reading

Day 674 – living words : integrity

@desteni we are living words.… check out SOUL to investigate how you can live words to…




Current allocation:

I would think of teachers and masters, and scholars that educate others. Or I would think of being able to make your statement and to be able to say your opinion/thing in a debate.  It is that pushing to have your say. To tell the other people your opinion, your point of view and your side of the story. Integrity to me is to have  real news and experiences, and something teachable to tell others.

Dictionary definition:

-adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

-the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

-a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship’s hull.



  1. 1400, “innocence, blamelessness; chastity, purity,” from Old French integrity or directly from Latin integritatem (nominative integritas) “soundness, wholeness, completeness,” figuratively “purity, correctness, blamelessness,” from integer “whole” (see integer). Sense of “wholeness, perfect condition” is mid-15c.


Sounding of the word:

inter gritty

inner gritty

nitty gritty

(name on a person)







negative: I would think I need integrity – that I lack it – that I don’t know my complete self yet. I would think I lack the influence of integrity. I would think of the word nitty – like in nitty gritty that I would find bothersome and embarrassing within myself with sounding this word.

positive: I see quite a potential for me to take on this word. I can learn from this word a great deal. My world around me can benefit from this word.


Creating writing:

Inter – gritty – it sound like a mess or a meeting within what is nitty – gritty(dirty) – it is about debating what is nitty – gritty (dirty) about a situation.  Being able or experienced to talk and explain what is with a situation that makes it nitty – gritty. Like a comedian making fun of things – pulling out and exposing the nitty – gritty. It is knowing the nitty gritty and making a point how to deal with it.


New definition:

Integrity is a skill to handle the nitty – gritty


ogna m.m 023


thanks for reading – enjoy your day !



Day 656 – Living words : Balance

At desteni we are : LIVING WORDS

Check out links: http://wiki.destonians.com/Living_Word

& http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=147


Here I am taking on the word: Balance

Living words: balance



Current allocation: I would think of a juggler, juggeling with balls. I would think of balancing my breathe through the highs and lows of energies. I would balance the triangle within my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I would think I need balance to not fall over and tilt just from standing straight up. I think of balance as something I need of natural law. Balancing things on top of each other. I think of balance as a natural and universal law. I would associate balance with skills and with preformance. I would think of balance as this thing or construct that is in balance from before and that needs to be further in balance from how something else is in balance. Balance is like a state and a fundamental law.


Dictionary Definition: balance

  1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
  2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.
  3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
  4. a state of bodily equilibrium:

He lost his balance and fell down the stairs.

  1. an instrument for determining weight, typically by the equilibrium of a bar with a fulcrum at the center, from each end of which is suspended a scale or pan, one holding an object of known weight, and the other holding the object to be weighed.
  2. the remainder or rest:

He carried what he could and left the balance for his brother to bring.

  1. the power or ability to decide an outcome by throwing one’s strength, influence, support, or the like, to one side or the other.



balance (v.)

1570s, “be equal with,” from balance (n.). Meaning “bring or keep in equilibrium” is from 1630s; that of “keep oneself in equilibrium” is from 1833. Of accounts, from 1580s. Related: Balanced; balancing. Balanced meal, diet, etc. is from 1908.

balance (n.)

early 13c., “apparatus for weighing,” from Old French balance (12c.) “balance, scales for weighing,” also in the figurative sense; from Medieval Latin bilancia, from Late Latin bilanx, from Latin (libra) bilanx “(scale) having two pans,” possibly from Latin bis “twice” + lanx “dish, plate, scale of a balance.” The accounting sense is from 1580s; the meaning “general harmony between parts” is from 1732; sense of “physical equipoise” is from 1660s. Balance of power in the geopolitical sense is from 1701. Many figurative uses (such as hang in the balance, late 14c.), are from Middle English image of the scales in the hands of personified Justice, Fortune, Fate, etc.



Sounding of the word:

ball once

ball bounce

ball Hans

ball hands


ballan hans (Norwegian for: his balls)



Negative: I would fear to have unbalance on my credit card or fear to fall out of balance and to fall in physical from standing up.

Positive: This is a very positive word to me. It is like fundamental positive and a strong word. I am depending on this word. I am reliant to this word to live my life. It is a very supportive word to me.

Creative writing:

Balance is like a fundament of nature. A universal law sort of. I have drifted from balance into all sorts of issues. I need to have balance with my life. Balance is like, to rely on something so strongly that it will improve oneness progress. Balance is that non – movement and stills stand of calm and ease. Balance simply is. Balance is that unique way of structuring things. This world with its humans is lacking balance. This world needs balance so badly, so there is no wonder why there is so much war, abuse and separation going on. No wonder that there is so much difficulties going on as long as we have no balance. Balance is so badly needed, and I use this word to heal. I live this word, flow through it with my breathe and my senses. I live it with balancing my thoughts and feelings and emotions. I would live this word, and realize myself as this word. I would associate with this word and think of what I compare to this word. I realize how I write “I would” – with relating to this word. So there is something fundamental that I would do if I was living this word in my real or honesty or in virtue. Balance has deep roots with equality. And with being rooted or grounded. Balance is like to have a good self trust. Balance is to be calm and at ease. Balance is like to find myself, and to have a place of balance to empower from. I see balance as a my drug. I see myself carrying out some activity and doing some sort of work where I would rush for that one second and I would sort of loose balance, within the split of a second. This world is in colaps and it is crashing. So we are in system speaking, very out of balance today. So we need to find balance, a functional economy, and equality. That would change things – after the collapse. Further I would need to balance my days, with what I do to give the world balance i need to be in balance. Make food, vacume, go to gym, or just walk, read a book, writ a blog, do the dishes, and so on. I need a balance in what I do. I need different things to fill my day with. A balance. In this world that is so much out of balance, I need to be in balance. I need to be in balance, from how this world with its governments, wars, abuse, separation etc… is out of balance I need to be in balance.



Balance is when different elements and substance are cooperating into creating a solution that is best for all, reliant on the other to exist in equilibrium.








Day 646 – Living words: change

How to live the word change ? Inn a world that most defiantly need both huge and small time change how do we live this word change to its greatest ?

What is my allocation change? To me change is something new that is replacing something else, something that is a replacement. Change is a substitute and something that replaces something. So in this world there is lots of change going on. So how to value change in its best form ? To value the cool change the good change and the change that is best for all.


Dictionary definition:


change :


  1. 1. make or become different.
  2. 2. take or use another instead of.





change (n.)

  1. 1200, “act or fact of changing,” from Anglo-French change, Old French change “exchange, recompense, reciprocation,” from changier (see change (v.)).



sounding of word:


she – hangs

chen – guest

chen – guess



Polarity of word:

I would associatenegative on this word to think that there is not enough changes in this world. There should be more rapid changes and further changes, for the best of all life, in this world.


Positive, I associate that typical change that are best for all, is cool changes I like those changes that are best for all. I cherish them.



Creative writing:

Changes are very much like chain reactions. Like a stream of money (changes) and like the pearl or pieces of a neck less. The petals of a flower symbolizes changes to me, or coins that are changing hands. It is almost like changes are a chain reaction in itself. Changes are still very physical and it is like to change direction within and, change one tone of speaking or change ones approach. Change ones pants. Particularly I would like to emphasis the direction from introversion that is driving change, so within so without.

Re- definition of word:

Changes is something to occur, in advance of oneness first physical point and matter or direction.

Day 577 – Living words: Clarity

Current allocation:

Clarity to me would to me to have a sort of nice view without too many things on the horizon to different from the other. Clarity to me would be something that would be clean sort of. Little variation and perhaps few details. Clarity to me would be a glass of water, where the water is clean and ready for me to drink it. Important to notice of my experience here is also to see and realize that I have used music, drugs and alcohol and lately also hydrogen peroxide, to give myself clarity of mind and brain.


From the dictionary:

clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

From etymology:

clarity (n.)
c. 1300, clarte “brightness,” from Old French clarté “clarity, brightness,” from Latin claritas “brightness, splendor,” also, of sounds, “clearness;” figuratively “celebrity, renown, fame,” from clarare “make clear,” from clarus “clear” (see clear (adj.)). Modern form is early 15c., perhaps a reborrowing from Latin. Meaning “clearness” is from 1610s.

Sounding of word:

Clear – as – inn – thy
Clear – in – you
Clear- it – now – to – me
The – clerk – is – thy
Clear – this – for – me


I have a slight positive experience of this word as I would find it something that I would like or need both out of common sense and also how I am taught from pre programming. My experience of this word is positive. I realize that I have been addicting myself to substances, to be able to have clarity, when the clarity was always there with me. But I have been using substance to have clarity. I would use substance to get past the obstacles/emotions and get to clarity.

Creative writing:

Everyone should have clarity. If everyone had clarity then we would have a better understanding of equality and oneness on earth. If we had more clarity the we would have more peace of mind to my opinion. And it would be more easy to love one another. Clarity is preferable both within and without. Clarity is to see the energies of earth and to know that one should unite with these energies and become one with it, like in oneness with everything- like to love ones neighbor. Clarity is oneness common goal of equality and oneness – heaven on earth. Everyone should have clarity so we could work together towards a common goal. I realize that people like myself is trying to buy, substance to have clarity out of the consumerism society, and where we try to by substance and we go to the gym to have clarity.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to by substance to have clarity, and how I would think that I would need Hydrogen Peroxide or weed or alcohol or music, to have clarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to find clarity within me like my body that is mostly water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that clarity is something separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the moments where I miss clarity, where I would think that I can simply use substance to become clear, and I would addict myself to this substance like to use a tunnel vision to get to clarity , when clarity was always here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would need substance to bring myself directly to the clarity, like a quick fix in my life, like a joint or a beer.

When and as I see myself, falling back on clarity and feeling like I am losing my vision or my clarity. I stop and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I have clarity within me – I just have to use it. I realize that I can work on my clarity by self communication and by writing such as this. I realize that I have within me clarity and a definition of it that is; what is best for all. I realize that clarity is something of what is best for all. I commit myself to communicate with myself. I commit myself to write out stuff that is occupying my head and my mind, and get to clarity from working on myself, and communicating with myself. I commit myself to work on myself until all layers are forgiven and brought back to its place and to its origin and to clarity. I commit myself to work on living words. I commit myself to clarity. I commit myself to work for clarity for everyone.

For more living words: http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=147

Day 562 Living words : control

Living words : control

Current allocation: I see that within this word I think of control of myself. I think of controlling something like a bike or a car. I think of having a personal control within and without of myself is precious. I also associate with the ruling hand or ruling force of government and political or other ruling elite of the world. I think it is also very related that If I have control of myself within myself I am then also having good control without of myself. I think that control should be limited and that the system should “float” without friction and that one should not need that many controlling forces at all. I think there is a lack of real control in this world and that the majority of, controllers/police/lawyers/judges are being deluded.

dictionary definition
1. to command, direct, or rule.


control (v.)
early 14c., “to check, verify, regulate,” from Anglo-French contreroller “exert authority,” from Medieval Latin contrarotulus “a counter, register,” from Latin contra- “against” (see contra) + rotulus, diminutive of rota “wheel” (see roll (n.)). From a medieval method of checking accounts by a duplicate register. Sense of “dominate, direct” is mid-15c. Related: Controlled; controlling.

Sounding of the word

con – troll – Mocking/deluding the troll. Speaking negative of trolls.

county – n – oil – A country that have oil.

come take the oil – One country robbing other countries its recourses.


Polarity attachment
negative : fear, judging, blame, guilt, shame, sorrow, anger.
positive: responsibility, change, honest, best for all, make perfect.

Creative writing. This is about conning or making the troll pay its taxes and to share its treasures. The troll have been mocking and scaring us for too long. From nose mythology and fairytale the “troll” – where old “demons” and they often had great treasures and lots of money/gold – that they had stolen from the humans, in hidden caves. The old trolls from the past must be brought out. Like the trolls within finance or war systems and warmongers. Corruption and scams must be exposed and melted in the sunshine like the troll from the fairytale. I realize that today the trolling elite/corrupt elite, is also controlling the controllers/police/judges and that must also change to expose the really nasty troll so that what is best for all can come through. I realize that the ultimate control is no control like the perfect oiled machine that needs no maintenance or repairs. No trolls. That is the kind of system we must create. Where we do not need to be paranoid and controlling with each other. Control must be lived, from within so that one within do not need internal medication or repairs or recovery at all. One must run/live like a perfect machine: the body. And from there inspire others, and create what is best for all.

Self forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take control and to live the word “control” because of how I simply wanted to live my life as a irresponsible person and to not take responsibility for my life and my living and “not give a fuck…”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I become angry when I see that the people in charge , the real demons behind the curtain does not get caught, still, at all, because of lacking control, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry as I notice that the people that are doing the abuse is in control of the controllers and that makes the whole system corrupt and wrong and in need of real control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad form the poor people and the not informed people of how this world is stitched together, that I would think they deserve to know, where I go into guilt and sorrow because I fear to tell people the honest truth and I start to fear they live in vain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I become angry and sad from seeing that the controllers are violating people’s rights and hurting ordinary and poor people because they are protecting the real trolls and the greedy elite and doing so hurting the poor and the ordinary people with riot police etc..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could make the perfect system that would be to live the word control where we would not have to be in con – or deluding each other, and there would be no trolls either as we would live in equality and in consideration without abuse and in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mind does not want to live in control where I realize that the mind only wants its energies and if I can control myself I will stop the addiction of giving energies to my mind and to rather live in control and without friction/thought/reaction/paranoia/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only police can control, where I give into the thinking that we need controlling police when the abuse and the paranoia and the corruption in the very, very center of the “troll” is not being dealt with, and it is not taken into consideration on how for instance all wars are bankers wars and how we are trolling each other all the time in all sorts of situations and relations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would fear to take on to myself control because I would fear to fail and to fall, and to go into judging of myself within this and I would fear to take on to myself and live the word control because I do not want to be seen as different or as special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not be in control because I have this diagnosis and label with me from mental hospital and doctors diagnosis of schizophrenia.

When and as I see myself given a chance to live the word control or I face this word, I stop myself, I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that I want to from here on, live this word, and not fear it. I realize that I want make sure the we do create a perfect system like no system based on equality and oneness, and what is best for all. I realize that when I take on word I take on responsibility. I realize that it was a cool experience for me to bring out this word and it feels empowering to work through it. I commit myself to go through words that are possessing me and that I have certain relation to, like a polarized relation to. I commit myself to work through words. I commit myself to live words so that I can live, what is best for all. I commit myself to bring to awareness/forum, words and to expose and defy words. I commit myself to live/write words until there is no friction/reaction/fear/paranoia left in relating to any words.

For more living words check out: http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=147