Tag Archives: clown

Day 787 – Vivacious – for what is best for all

Vivacious – for what is best for all

 

vivascious tormod.png

 

I was made aware of this word, vivacious, starting within a numbness in my left thigh. Actually my thigh felt totally dead and “rotten”. And I contacted and asked for support from the Quantum Change Kinesiology, (QCK) team, and I was shortly after give details of matter – to what was metaphysically taking place in my thigh – and beyond – of my mind. Human memory is most often stored in the general body.

This word, vivacious, or crispness, lively, spirited, I have been living within a personality as a coping mechanism,  to suppress a negative point within.  I have been using this personality also without direction, noncommittal. This have been a balancing point within me to suppress a emotional point of sub-conscious character. So I have been living this vivacious and crispness/lively/spirited manner, to suppress a negative point within.

So I would like to dissolve the negative point through self forgiveness, and exposure,  and also to pick apart the positive vivacious, personality – and rather live that word vivacious for real, without the personality, suppression, and with a proper direction and commitment. To extract this word and “neutralize” it, delete the polarity and components,  from myself, and then use vivacious, as a redefined word to my everyday living.

 

So what I want to do is to take the ball in my own hands and score a 3 pointer, and end the game totally lol. So I have already forgiven and I am working on the negative point that I would like to suppress. The details from the QCK session are many and deep. Point is for me to see through this vivacious character because it is based on believes. I give myself permission to live this character of vivaciousness, from  some specific believes that I have been carrying with me. Positive believe structures of mind.   Like: I believe I can chose to be happy without any reason, or  I believe my inner child, or I believe I am loved etc. I have this personality of vivacious (crispness, lively, spirited) arranged from believes. So understand: I have been living this vivacious character to hide and suppress a negative point within myself. I need to deconstruct the polarized character, work on my suppression point,  and live the word: vivacious in itself as it is.

So what does it mean for me to be vivacious without the personality/polarity ? It means to be a bit silly, clownish and lively. And it would mean to take direction to a common good, to dare to break the ingrained pattern, to see best for all solutions taking place in the moment. To express. To be that catalyst of change to bring solution to the matter. Like if I standing with my dishes together with the people who I share house with, and the situation is a bit low or out of touch,  I can suddenly start to sing or make a joke, to actively share some of my solutions being vivacious, and silly/lively/creative. So that is what I can do In such a moment. To dare to be a bit silly.

 

We all could need to be more silly in a creative, and supportive way, we all enjoy being silly ! In times like today we could all enjoy to be more silly or like a clown. So this is my point that I would like to evoke within me, to express and live this word: vivacious – for what is best for all in any situation.

Rebeccas son

art by William Karlen

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up believes and ideas within to access a positive, vivacious personality, making it difficult/impossible to access this word without taking on the believes and the personality in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is difficult or impossible to live this word, vivacious, without adding some believes to it, like making it a recipe of programming that I have to follow – a programming without direction, commitment or standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in such moments of creativity and daring to be silly/clown, I would let the small things, the doubt or nervousness win me over – and limit me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up this personality to cover over and hide/suppress a emotional/negative point within and to use this vivacious/crispy personality to cover for my negative point within my sub-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality based on believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the need to suppress anything emotional within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look into my subconscious.

 

 

When and as I see myself wanting to live this word vivacious, I stop myself I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I must dare to be brave and have courage to express myself and to dare to be silly, in such moments. I realize that it is my responsibility to create the best solution in any given moment.

 

I commit myself to live vivacious and “spirited” – clownish, more often, by slowing down, breathing, being self honest, and just do it !

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

 

 

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Day 782 – expanding in the life process

ace-ventura-detective-ch-ii07-g

 

Looking at my current living, where I am, and my livelihood, and how I more or less creative and in consideration define myself to be, I would like to just elaborate on my current process and status. For many years I have defined myself as and within the stigmatizing ground of psychiatry, addictions, and mental illness. I have come to realize that we all, every single fart included of humankind are more or less mentally suffering, being of mind. Stating that I do not close myself into being only psychiatry or that ballpark anyway. How do I define myself today and within walking my process of total change into something more something better and supportive, something of real matter ? It is right there in front of me, like this impression of nature and of detail, and stability, because what am I doing ? I am expanding, including, uniting and cooperating. I discover, reveal and I heal. I learn and I grow. More than anything else. I discover myself, I close down my believes, my fears and my reactions and addictions, by uniting with its origin and life, structure of me is becoming one with the self, and with all that is me.

 

Within here is stored mega bytes of self forgiveness and persistent walking of my process, embracing self as life and uniting, and even creating more of me, what is discovering of my own expression – my living. I find myself more and more in equilibrium with not only nature as I see it, but me, self as life force, and will to live. I more than ever before,  would like to live till I am over 100 years old lol. There is so much I would like to participate with and further create.

 

Today more than ever before, I realize my standing and creative ability and life force. My will to go on with projects, chores, responsibility, daring to be a bit of a “clown” perhaps and taking on new challenges in common sense and self awareness. Many have said this before me that it is the nucleus cell and being of ordinary people, that will eventually change this world – because we change: ourselves, our ingrained patterns and behaviors,  first and become one and equal – physical, responsible as being and life force in where we are.

So for me at the moment it is about nurturing myself within slowing down and taking one breathe at the time, to really get this point of expanding and not falling into old destructive patterns of mind.

Today I notice such a simple thing as not daring to ask for a hug, and to embrace self completely, as another, would sort of bring me down, and I know that I could “take on a clown suit” and simply ask bluntly for a hug – and I would be granted so.

Time to embrace the clown from within huh ? To nurture and grow as a playful clown – myself. To rediscover play (and fun) in my daily life.

So in a way it is also about daring and taking that initiative. Being brave sort of. So that I can continue to walk and make progress and learn as I go. Grounding is perhaps a word I am seeking for.

Either way I am proud of who I am today, I have a level of integrity and self respect. I am someone new at the same time reborn as self in the physical. I live to suit the support of life and to expand myself on all areas of progressing and sustainable creation.

Realizing just now, sitting here typing in front of my screen, that, I have had a long history of being for instance dyslectic. I have still difficulties with writing  by hand – and reading it later. School was not my thing lol. But I will not blame the system – because the system is me. I created it. Together with for instance you. So it is a process of uniting, embracing and forgiving, bringing back to self all parts that I has separated myself from and made into mind fucks and loops, recycling the mind junk. Today I embrace it and bring it back to me- to oneness and equality.

 

Thanks for reading !

 

These links are super – potent with the finest of support

– I am living proof

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/

Day 752 – self judgment

 

 

self goat

painting by me

 

 

Self judgment:

I notice today that I live in self judgment. This is noticeable by me mostly from seeing the core design of the self judgment.  I have been able to take a step back and see where does it come from ? And funny enough (this time) it comes from TV and movies, documentaries and fiction.

I have seen so many movies and series/drama about court rulings and layers life. I have made a very energetic picture/drama of the lawyers and the judges, and the happening within so.

I would think of a court as a game. A game to win or lose, and from history the game is rigged against me. Because the court is the rich – system – powers play ground. It is there together with for instance doctors to make the gap, wider between classes in society.

So I have been projecting this onto others, how I “dislike” lawyers (and doctors) and I have been living in that self judgment myself where I am the judge, lawyer, police man, victim and criminal. It is like a circus of role play to me. Very common to my schizophrenic mind. This all strikes back at me and causes pain and disturbance within me. I see now that I live this self judgment and I need to come to a acceptance and embracing of me. And let go of the energetic looping/judging of mind.

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of positive pole, popular rich lawyer, and winning in court; and negative pole;  looser criminal and being sentenced in court.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my issues of law and the court/lawyer life onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will not be a celebrity or a star simply a looser clown from the polarity of LA – LAW series I relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as the loosing/sad clown and that I am lost as of present since courts still have a say in this world (today).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I suck at being a clown, but it is still a mask to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices of the sad clown in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock myself with law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the polarity of taking law serious or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself in my clown – circus of court/law.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the TV series LA-LAW where I live and act like a playboy from California in the 80’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the phrases from TV drama and documentaries in my head over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed with judgments that I  have a energetic party within the room of court and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know enough about law to outsmart a judge, and to play the court for a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling on to different  theories about law and justice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deep down fear judges and lawyers and to think that they as a group don’t serve life, and they are abuse within the system and should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that deep down the court system is a scam and a mind trickery, and it just tricked me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by the law system of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself serious when I say that courts and lawyers of today are by structure, definition and design not supporting life – they should not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind – fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack the law/court system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out like clown and a comedian about law trying to mock the court that is in my head/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can distance myself from self judgments, failing to realize that I then  distance myself from me/my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see nothing but judgments and to live in this sentence of “I sentence you to” or other similar words from TV/movies court rooms drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck and fucked by the design of self judgment and within this addicting to it and feeling like I can let it go it is on me like a magnet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my self – judgments with my eyes/seeing and my own moral of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the self judgment like my pair of glasses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to live with myself judgment failing to see the solution to accept myself and to embrace and value my self – instead of judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fucked by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel raped by the law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply abused by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel corrupted by law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like shit from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like puking and “giving up” from law/court/lawyers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that law is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the law that we see today (protecting greed/ego) is doomed.

 

 

Self corrections to be lived:

I commit myself to accept myself and to investigate myself and my mind and sort out all my shit.

I commit myself to expose the old system / self /mind /law and to remove it all breathe by breathe, step by step, and create a new system that is a system that is best for all.

I commit myself to embrace myself – no matter what.

 

Realizing / clarity:

  • I need acceptance of me to be able to see into me and this grants me access/accept into my mind/body/world/imaginations.
  • self judgement is not real it is fiction and imaginations.
  • courts and such law we see today is not going to last.
  • I have a response – ability to create new systems  to replace the old.
  • To me with my schizophrenia, self judgement is still very real/in my eyes.
  • There is no need to judge – we are all equals.

 

 

Link to another blog on self judgments:

http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/03/day-704-self-acceptance-vs-self.html

 

 

 

other links:

http://desteni.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

https://eqafe.com/

https://warnomore.wordpress.com/

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com/