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Day 744 – The schizophrenic child

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The schizophrenic child

How to assist the schizophrenic child ?

When I was  a young boy in pre – school 4-5-6 years old I started to build things on/inn my mind. I did so mostly unconsciously – that was in fact building itself. I soon started to have complicate, emotional and quite horrible imaginations, thoughts and psychosis – as  a child. Off-course there happened things that where nurturing this, giving it more fuel of energies and I see now that I was living then my schizophrenic programming.

This schizophrenic programming, was placed  in me when I was in my mother’s belly. That is where the creation of schizophrenia happened.

Important here to understand that I was born with it. I have been living with schizophrenia for 38 years now. I have worked my way  through it, not above it or below it or beside it… but through it. And I am still working on it.

Believe you me, I have faced some quite nasty demon shit within myself through the years. When I say “demon shit” I mean dark emotions stuff, that we are, from the sins of the fathers,  manipulated and convinced to suppress, deny and rather project, secretly think of,  and use in mind games, in suspiscions towards our fellow man – and not to talk about.

I have been working for 5 years straight, to deconstruct my schizophrenia and to remove the pain as of such from my body. To remove my voices, my hallucinations, imaginations, judgments, fears, depressions and the list goes on quite a long way. I have forgive it within myself. The tool of self forgiveness is the very finest of tools to use on self- don’t miss it.

So I have lived and deconstructed my schizophrenia what did I learn ? The definition of schizophrenia is to have two or three personalities present in my mind/head at once. There are two or three present in mind/head at once.  By design the personalities/polarities start to fight to conquer the other personality. This fight/war in the head is then the actual psychosis. This war and fighting is the very pain, voices (!), hallucination, conscious conspiracy thinking, possessions, mind games, blabbering speech,  chaotic and often addicted being of individual.

That is the definition of schizophrenia. That is the suffering and pain/war of schizophrenia.

I can tell you that I have gotten so far from working with self forgiveness – that I am able to delete my personalities in them selves ! – And just be physical !

Then what is the one point that I see could have helped me, when I was young, to  deal with my insides to dare to expose my rather horrible mind and my thoughts ? How could I have found trust and comfort to open up and work on my insides ? What could ever have helped my process of learning to deal with my schizophrenia – back in the days ?

There is lots of things. One thing that peaks out is to have that vocabulary to express my insides. To know what my mind is all  about. In  debt and certain understanding. We have that understanding now. We know what it is about. So a wider vocabulary. Also very important to understand mind already from pre-school. I am not joking.

Another thing is a supportive safe and trust worthy environment. To have trust, and to be able to be self honest in ones reflection to self and others. To have a variation of hobbies and interest physical activities, and healthy family bonds. Also to be with animals and to have the right nutrition and general support of the physical to.

These things I list here, these very few things is soooo easy to read and agree, but are they easy to live ? To practice ? If you are a parent to a schizophrenic child, please consider my advice. I would go so far as leaving you a warm welcome to contact me to write and communicate with me about your child.

To me my life would not have been the same if I were to learn and practice words, to have  rich vocabulary and safety and trust to express such, rather than having to deny it all the time and end up in the suspicious and corrupting of self: the projection, the thinking, the  backchats and mind games that are so easy to fall into from programming.

My mission here is to be able to bring some assistance from my clarity and insight into schizophrenia as myself – to the parent as well as the schizophrenic, child, youth or adult.

I sure hope that there is something here for you to pick up on. Don’t be a stranger.

be careful what you say to your child.JPG

Check out the links:

http://desteni.org

http://desteniiprocess.com

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

https://eqafe.com

https://warnomore.wordpress.com

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com

https://theendofpsychiatry.wordpress.com

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Day 691 – out with boredom and inn with INTERESTING

 

Out with boredom and inn with INTERESTING

 

index

 

It is a changing process, that I start by writing out with self forgiveness:

 

Enjoy:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is ok for me to be bored, and to include in my living words this word “bored” as a part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link to this word “bored” my early days of schooling and learning new words by learning to write letters instead of full words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take on this word bored as it looks to massive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I was bored with school work and home work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I see that boredom is a physical possession within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how I was living the word boredom from a very young age and thinking that school was one big boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how school was making my life hell and boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge or blame my parents or the teachers in school for my boring school time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like school was one big drag and very very boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest boredom in my body like this heavy, heavy thing in my physical and in my feet, where my feet feels heavy and hurts from living and practicing this word “boredom”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I soon discover this word “boredom” within my work if the work is boring per my definition like with lots of repeating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “heavy” and how my feet hurts if the job I am doing is boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the bad breath/smell of teachers to the word “boring” so it become more physical and manifested more within me as of this smelling of breathe experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my schooling and upbringing in school was particular bad and particular boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face this word boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think all of my schooling was wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy and burdened with the word boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physical pain and hurt from living this word “boring”.

 

I commit myself to work on and to become skilled in using words as support. I commit myself to go through myself and my body and my past and clear out words that are not supportive to me.

I commit myself to live the word interesting and to make it my task to heal and recover from this word boring to live and embrace this new word: INTERESTING !

 

How to live words: schoolofultimateliving

How to learn self forgiveness: http://desteni.org/

 

thanks !

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 671 – Personality of “a policeman”

– seeing myself as a police & control freak

I have some issues with perceived righteousness. Thinking I know what is “right”. Judging myself and others when I be – lie – ve,  something wrong within a situation. Thinking of myself as this special person, giving my character a opinion – a opinionated character of a police, within my head and my mind.

It is like this: you have a personality/ polarity construct. This needle/battery is then given a opinion,  a certain energy flows into this character to make it into me, playing out this character in life. I have this urge to feel that my way is “right way” and to feel superior to have my idea or “right” enforced on others, based on my be – lie – ves of who I am, and have grown into from programming.

 

It is not a fun thing to admit, lol, that I have this urge within to be a enforcer,  a police man, within and as myself.

Let me give you some perspective.

 

When I was a young kid at 7 – 12 years old. I grew up with 3 sisters and lots of cousins. We would play a lot and be messy, and play, sometime rather violent play. I remember my mother calling me the “police man” of the house. I have later suppressed this of forgotten it, but my mother tells me that I would pick on or bully particular my younger sister if they, according to me, did something wrong.

I would be on top of them and put them in their designated places. This is mostly forgotten within me now today,  but I see this personality polarity playing out and,  “wops” comes this memory of me playing police with my sisters. This plays out today within reactions, friction within me as the archetype of a judge archetype, and then triggering into a police archetype, that works it’s was through facebook, news, shopping, making dinner, working out, writing, walking etc… It is like a tiny part of my consciousness that sparks this police in my head to life and to living, practice.

 

It could play out from; looking at facebook and judging a picture a article or a video, on facebook. Or I could judge and feel need to correct someone in talks/dialogue in my daily life, or just on sight at the supermarket, judging and feeling like I have to correct it. Appearance, clothes, comments, mannerism, act etc…

 

This metaphysical “police” is like the second demon, in line after the (demon) judge archetype makes its judging, just like in society. It is all programming and lies, running a spiral – eating itself – like cancer. I have to realize that there is no right and wrong. There is only what is best for all. Investigate all things and keep that which is good – best for all.

 

Self forgiveness and self corrections inn blogs to follow.

 

desteni.org bennedicte

Day 662- Bible reading (re) action

The other day I started to read the Bible. I wrote about this on a mailing list on internet, asking others to join me. One of the first mail I had in return was negative, about me going to read the Bible. The person was telling me to not read it. I was instantly triggered, very deep. I was seeing all the Christian teachings and gatherings with l the old aunties and old fashioned people, conservatives, and so on, that I would call as Christians inn my upbringing. I would see the images from back then, live in my mind. I would then bring these images and energies, to blame and judge this person that was negative to me. Victimizing myself and blaming that person.

 

I would see all this in flashed and pictures and go into victimization and blame over this. I went into victimization and blame only over this one single mail. And I forgot to consider the other people that was commenting on my mail in support of me. I was having lots of support. There was several people posting on my tread that supported me and wanted me to go on and that wanted to participate in the project of reading the Bible. But I was blind in reactions.

 

So I was triggered into hate, victimization and blame over one mail when there was so many others mails that where supportive to me.

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What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the hatred from my upbringing over at this person answering my mail, and for going into anger over this persons reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go be triggered and go completely into hate and fear like a caged wild animal over being told to not do something I was looking forwards to do and to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin around in this hate and not daring to touch in on my old memories, denying it, and ignoring the spots of locations, of church groups etc where I participated when I was a young child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up those memories because there was so much suppressed hate and fear within those memories that I felt sick to my stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for placing hatred on church groups and religions groups and at the same time want to read the Bible, which is sort of a contradiction in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the several other of people, that wrote to support me and that wrote in favor of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see all the cool support that I was given and just blindly following my reactions and victimization, simply following the energy rides within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a, b and c and others from how they where rising me back in the days, when I was growing up.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to realize that the very reason I want to read the Bible is to understand why my up-bring is that way it is, and why this world functions the way it does and so on, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the conservative people from my childhood in fear of what I might say to them if I should meet them today.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to curse those buildings and those places where I was going to church education etc, where I then start to wonder what happened when I curse something and from that seeing that I could perhaps find answers in the Bible.

 

When and as I see myself going into reactions and going totally blind over one thing, not seeing common sense. I stop myself, I bring myself back to breathe and I slow myself down. I realize that reactions makes me blind and at those time it is difficult to see what is right to do. I realize that I should always avoid reactions, I can detect if I am in a reaction, I should avoid reactions always. I realize that I should, ground myself in breathe and loosen up the energies with self forgiveness if I end up in a reaction.

 

I commit myself to step down and out of reactions.

I commit myself to self authority on this point.

I commit myself to be my own guide and directive principle and avoid all reactions.

I commit myself to realize that reactions are like a disease, conflict, and pain.

 

  • thank you for reading – enjoy your day !

 

Day 659 – Childhood schizophrenia

First I give you this disclaimer. I am not a doctor. If you are experiencing or dealing with schizophrenia, please talk to a doctor, as it is a serious illness.

 

I wanted to write a blog, but I don’t know exactly what to write about. I would like to share my experience of growing up and growing into my schizophrenia.

I can recommend this video of childhood schizophrenia

 

 

I was born summer of 1978, I grew up living with both my parents, my 3 years older sister and later my two younger sisters, in rural Norway. We had a dog and we have 2 sheep’s, and sometimes we had cats. We had animals like a hobby. My parents where both loving caring ordinary people with work in public sector. On surface my life was ok. But within, my mind was eating me up. I was more and more suffering from emotions and issues.

 

I would feel very physical, how my mind, and my mind conscious system was haunting me, swallowing me, when I was a young boy 5, 6, and 7. You see, the schizophrenic mind is rigged differently than other people’s minds. Particular with some hooks, to attract emotions. Some hooks are places on the mind that force me attached to emotions. I would live my life being 6 years old and literally see my mind and these hooks creep up on me. It was a nightmare. Dreadful hooks forcing me to attach to the emotional parts of myself and my world. Growing into schizophrenia.

I clearly remember playing outside my old home, and I would start having these horrible, fearful thoughts, and pictures in my mind. This was my schizophrenia catching up with me and driving me into suffering.

Today I have cleared of most of these hooks from my mind. They are no longer a big problem to me. There are somethings that make me different to others, like my sleeping and my need for medication, but I now have a way much better life. Thanks to self forgiveness and self correction, self responsibility, self honesty, a team of support, doctors support, nurse support, parent and family support, and own efforts. Tools from desteni.

If you genuinely care about schizophrenia, check out this interview.

 

My life today is about figuring out how my life can be as good as possible. Figuring out how to support myself and figuring out how my life can be as healthy and sane as possible.

But important to understand my childhood and adolescent years was dreadful when I compare myself to others and when I am really honest about my past and my mind. My life was not a happy life. And that is important to understand with schizophrenia that yes it is over – weight of emotions, voices, stress, thoughts, issues, friction, conflict etc.

 

My life today, having walked almost 4 years in process walking every day from consciousness to awareness and, from archaic to holistic thinking. My life have changed soooo much and I have reduced my schizophrenia to a bare minimum of what I practically and physically can.

 

Walking my desteni i process have proved to be the best decision I have ever made. I limit my schizophrenia and focus on living my life to its fullest potential.

If you have any questions or comments,  please leave me a comment or contact me. I would be glad to assist. The links in this post is of high value.

 
What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to let my schizophrenia take me over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be directed by schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be sick because I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my mind is sooo much more different and special since I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am one of a kind and special since I have a mental illness, and for thinking that I need special therapy and help because I have schizophrenia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my schizophrenia more room that what it needs.

Self corrections:

When and as I see myself giving my schizophrenia power over me, I stop myself, I slow myself down and I breathe. I realize that I should not give my schizophrenia power over me. I realize that I have a responsibility with my schizophrenia and to live in such a way that it is not dominating me. I realize that I should not be that concerned about my schizophrenia, and rather focus on how to support myself the best way to live and heal.

I commit myself to live my life as best as I can with the tools of support that I can give my life.

 

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me with one of my paintings

thanks for reading

 

Day 635 – Self judgement was my struggle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it has no effect to say to myself “I will not judge myself” because of what happened when I was 6 years old playing nude games with neighbors and within this I forgive myself for taking it so hard a impact for being caught by a adult and with this I tell myself to stop judging myself for that episode,  I was a child and it was all programs and energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself for everything that is ever bad within my life and for taking everything very personal and blaming myself always pointing back at that one point of being caught by that adult when I was 6 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project guilt and fear and self judgement onto others, ending up inferior and depressed, when I see how emotional dimensions within me shape according to that one memory of being caught by a adult at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my fight through growing up have been guilt and self judging for all so many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would seek church, alcohol, drugs, psychiatry and so on, trying to cure myself from this guilt and judgment that I have to face, I was doing to myself.

When and as I see myself feeling like going into guilt or self judging, I stop and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that this fight was that nobody would win and like any war there was only losers participating. I realize that I can through focusing, directing, breathing and slowing down, I can end my self-judging. I can end the war and find peace with myself. I realize that self judgment only has losers and that one is me. I commit myself to slow down my tempo, and to focus on what is supportive, like living words, breathing and directing myself, slowing down, and to finally be done with the fight and have peace. I commit myself to give myself access to life and to live my life in every breathe. I commit myself to live my life for what is best for all and inn that is also, best for me.

 

 

Day 629 – Unmasking the Macho Man

I was participating on a google hangout about the male gender role.

What expectations do men have for themselves when they’re in a relationship? How do these self judgements get reinforced by other people and the media? What kinds of thoughts and inner experiences do men face in terms of the roles they should apparently be filling in their relationships and lives? How can men support themselves to step out of these roles and let go of the self judgements attached to them so that they can get to know who they really are and what they enjoy in life?

 

Enjoy: