Day 466 – Just sitting here…

Just sitting here staring out into the air…

Losing my mind to madness and having my alarm bell going of telling me not to go completely insane and remember to breathe and be here. Stabilize myself here as breathe and keep cool. I caught myself, staring out into the air and eventually going paranoid simply for staring at my plants. I am searching everyday I search for things within and without, to fill my blog with. And it is right there in front of my nose.

I realize that I was just now, sitting here, staring out into the air and going paranoid of not finding anything in particular to write. And I decided to write about just that: I have nothing to say. I lock myself down and start to suppress my impression and when that piles up, I suppress my reactions. Eventually going paranoid with emotions.

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I will dedicate this blog to the idea that ” I have nothing to write about” – and to the paranoia that arises within me as I start to accumulate energies from the back of my mind to start series of thoughts. Staring the ferris wheel and squeezing out thoughts and backchats. I realize that I start to gather energies to start series of though from the starting point of simply finding nothingness and then going paranoid from doing that. There is nothing there, and neither am I. And Inn this moment I discover that I do not exist and doing so failing to realize that I exist twice as much or 100 times as much because I convince myself that I am nothingness.

Wow ! How is that possible ?

I stumble through my world and I come to imagine or experience myself as nothingness. How did that happen ? Well first I think it is vital to know that spiritually or should I say with mindful awakening that I have been going through the last 2 years and 3 months going drug free and from my participating with my desteni I process and my working everyday with self forgiveness. I go through changes – into awareness. And so it is to realize that through years of saying self forgiveness and correcting my path, I discover myself as nothingness. From steady and consistent work and participation and chores. With and through self – forgiveness. Nothingness is where we came from it is a natural part of us we have simply separated us from it for ages.

I face myself as nothingness within nothingness. What it means is that I am “facing nothingness” – I am providing myself with quite unlimited amounts of power or possibilities actually. I give myself lots of doors to open up. I give myself the chance in life to love. I grant myself the possibility to become a example of nothingness for others to follow to be the living change that we all have been waiting for. To save life and this earth from greed and human systems.

I go into nothingness and I start to realize that I have lots of power and I have lost or reasons to be and to live – instead of going paranoid and depressed with the amount of work that needs to be addressed in this world, from gathering up energies and hurt, to start series of thoughts or backchats and imaginations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as lucky for discovering this “entering nothingness” within myself as I create this polarity picture that I am helping others and being this Jesus character that is cool and loves everyone where I need to ground myself and come down to earth and be here as life. Still as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energies and starting to compare myself to being within nothingness and having second or paranoid experiences about entering nothingness as myself and I fail to realize and grasp that I am still here on this earth and how I should find more things to do within my life that makes sense and that is supportive, like swimming or football, drawing or making vlogs, hand massage and other types of cognitive training. And physical support.

When and as I see myself imagining myself of having this experience of being within nothingness and taking on a idea or meaning of nothingness. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am just barely lifting the canvas here to see what this really is. Or what it is not. And I realize that I am exploring this new territory and I will enjoy doing so and I use common sense solutions and to use what is best for all mannerism within exploring this experience of nothingness. I realize that nothingness is giving me lots of possibilities within my life and my world. I realize that my experience of being within nothingness have always been there from the beginning of time. I realize that nothingness is a natural part of me and that I should nurture it as best as I can. I commit myself to be here as breathing grounding myself on the planet or in my society and to be here as life and to be here as solutions, slowing myself down and breathing. I commit myself to live within this experience of nothingness and to write and share about my experience within it. I commit myself to give my body the attention it naturally needs to function it s best in relation to nothingness.

The coolest store inn the universe: https://eqafe.com/

Desteni: http://desteni.org/

Walk the talk : http://desteniiprocess.com/

Delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/

Thank you for reading!

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Day 465 – Touching inn on psychosis – saved by Sepultura – what goes on ?

Touching inn on psychosis – saved by Sepultura – what goes on ?

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I go to the gym every second or third day. It is a addiction that I have. It feels weird to say that. I have been troublelede with addictions before. Drugs, porn, alcohol and nicotine. To mention some. The fact that I am now addicted to working out is still manifesting that I have one (or more) addiction to deal with. The symptoms are still there. The addiction is related to the feeling of greatness and well being from working out with the tools at the gym. It is just as much a energy addiction as any substance or drug. It is not dangerous or hazardous. My body likes it and It supports me in general – but it is still a addiction.

It is also a part of my therapy. Today I was at my parents place to collect some equipment and some canvases to paint and do arts with. My overhead also. For transparent pictures. As I was preparing to go to gym after this. I had packed my bag and I was prepared to leave home. I have this art show prepared in Stavanger this coming week and I am abitt anxious about going there to show my pictures. Actually I do not feel like having the exebition at all. I do not find it any thrill to do arts. I find it more easy and important to write. I do not undermine the gifts and the qualities that lies within making arts and drawing or painting. Far from. I actually plan to do more of it. Only not commercial or for public display.

But it was me that asked to show my pictures so now I expect myself to take responsibility and pushing through with the event. This was still my starting point of touching inn on psychosis and it was this regret – that was my starting point of my psychosis – because I was not taking charge and cleaning up my mess from begin with, using my tool of self forgiveness. Back there and then – when I felt the regret.

I guess it was a choice. I chose to ask to have my pictures on display, because I would think that this is a way for me to earn money. And later I would regret it. This problem is rooted within my difficulties of making a choice. Making a choice is one of my very more challenges in my life. I find that making choices are very difficult and I find that for me to make my decisions on my experiences I fail because so many of my experiences where errors. Many of my experiences where wrong and difficult to realize today that took place. And they were wrong. So I have to develop new and alternative methods to work out my choices. I still find this challenging and somewhat problematic. Choices are reason for regret and there for possible traps. Again I see it shine bright in all the meta-date we surround with : we are our own creators. We create our own realities. We design our own reality. And since you are reading this from your laptop and you obviously can afford it and have internet – you are a part of the elite that have more free choice, – than if you are born in a refugee camp in Colombia or Palestine. Or on a dump in Cambodia. Free choice roams with money. That is why I willc hose equality and oneness. Uber alles.

It is a old famous cafe in Stavanger where I am showing of my pictures and my art.

So anyways … I was driving from my new apartment, down to my parents place to pick up some equipment. And as I started to prepare to drive I started to go paranoid within myself. I guess it is related to having this new apartment and I am trying to suit into this apartment with myself and I am trying to make myself comfortable with being here more and more. And to learn to love myself within my place.

I got this tips from a college of mine. About leaving home paranoia. Because when I leave my apartment I get scared like what if my apartment burns down from me leaving my stove on ? This paranoia is very common with me. So, my colleague had experienced the same thing, and she told me to I start to write down on a piece of paper. I would write “check stove” and then I would mark it with the date. I would write on this piece of paper like a check paper where I would write the date to be sure everything was and it is ok with leaving my apartment. So I can feel secure. On a piece of paper. I later studied this helping system. And what I found was remarkable. I found out that I from writing creates a quantification process within me when I write stuff on a paper. Or on a computer. The story is compressed or suited better to my comfort and my likings. I can get all the points and I can write down all the stuff with that goes on within and without. Of my physical.

Like a security piece of paper. This have helped me lots, and I am very thankful to that person who helped me with arranging it.

So I where preparing my car to drive to my parents place and I would be going more and more paranoid with thoughts and I would be going more direct into the fear of paranoia and into the emotional reactive pattern of experiencing paranoia. Just fear and emotions.

I was preparing for evening and driving carefully down to my parents and picking up the painting equipment and then driving to the gym. I would be exercising and working out a good turn and when I was done I drove home.

In the gym I was listening to Sepultura. I like lots of music and there is lots that suit my ear. I like Chopin and Michael Jackson and Bob Marley and Jazz. Today I felt like something aggressive, something to tell me how I suppress the shitty war that goes on in the middle east. To learn to express myself. And all the lies and all the hate and the wrongs that goes on within society. Anyway I was listening to Sepultura when I was at the gym. Sepultura is quite hard going metal… and it is pretty aggressive music, yet I experienced that my paranoia where flattening out with the hard punches from my music and it was sort of being eased with me running on the treadmill and with me working out with this music on my ears. Stopping the mind stopping the fears etc.. I was able to bring myself out of my psychosis and out of my state where I was giving into the healing work out and bringing me into this idea or thought that I where cared for, it was all right. I was titleled to be sad or upset. I gave myself the right to be emotional. I was realizing that I had nothing to fear. And I would be able to let go of the psychosis, and move on to the weights and continue my working out.

I have had this idea that hard metal like Sepultura is not supportive and that it is would affect me negatively. What I fail to see is that I might lack words to describe what I experience and what I am going through, and music like that could actually help me find the right words or memory, so that I can help myself better.

So end of story is I let my starting point of regretting to having a art show in Stavanger.. control or guide me into the desperation and the paranoia and eventually possession or psychosis that I let play out within my life. I was able to figure this out at the gym.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let regret guide me into paranoia, fear and eventually psychosis from regretting this one thing that is having a art show that actually could be fun and cool, if I let it, and stop the regret of choice and rather live in the now with the possibilities that are here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see understand and fully realize that I have started a larger habit with how I turn down offers and possibilities within my life and I say “no” to the chances I have in life to involve socially and professional because I doubt my choices and my reason for choices that are ruined because I am doubting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this issue of regret float gradually over like flooding water in a stream and cover my mind and my head with its paranoia, fear and eventually touching in on psychosis and leave with the notice and the friction within my head where I end up within a huge ball of meta data that I covering me and my physical like dust or snow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wrong or sick or in need because I would go into this state of having a possession and having a need to check on myself to see what would ever be going on within myself an using Sepultura to see into -me, intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think Sepultura is not the right music for me to listen to if I experience paranoia because it is so aggressive and hard yet I see the clear point of being able to putt words on my emotions and the phenomena going on within me like with the psychosis and with paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would use my experience of having psychosis and working out solutions for myself that I is making my life easier and that Is movement from conscious to awareness and where I take active charge of my troubles and minimize the consequences outflow, and the damage and correct myself according to my experience.

human consciousness monster - DamianLedesma

When and as I see myself dragging on a starting point that I am not picking up and I head straight into the psychosis. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must allow myself to be sad or depressed or in fear or even paranoid if that I my best solution in the moment. I realize that I must be taking care of my own mental health the best way possible with all precautions. I realize that I must find time to clear out my psychosis and my emotions so that they do not continue to grow on me like cancer. I commit myself to allow myself to feel. I commit myself to allow myself to live my life within my process and also within my psychosis. I commit myself to deal with the habit of quitting and rather try to push through and still nurture myself here in this apartment where I am now, and to learn to love myself.

When and as I see myself lacking words and not finding the right words to my problems and issues, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my issues and my troubles are often related to help systems. I realize that I could read more and I could find more information within studying help systems, and learning new words. I realize that there is lots for me to learn still. I commit myself to learn new words and to study fields where I have things to learn. I commit myself to push through and to study the world around me for what is best for all. I commit myself to develop help systems that are the best systems possible. I commit myself to give to people the support that I have received and to share the solutions that I have found. I commit myself to spread the desteni message and to share it with anyone I meet and anyone I talk to.

The coolest store inn the universe: https://eqafe.com/

Desteni: http://desteni.org/

Walk the talk : http://desteniiprocess.com/

Delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/

Thank you for reading!

Day 464 – Who is Dr Jaakko Seikkula – and what is his magic recipe ?

Who is Dr Jaakko Seikkula – and what is his magic recipe ?

Dr Jaakko Seikkula is a finish professor in psychiatry. North inn Finland, Where I have not been.  What makes him so special is that he treats patients with the patients participation. He teaches from a perspective of psychosis recovery and open dialogue.

Today in psychiatry almost all of psychiatry is run through chemical therapy. Chemical therapy is the standard. 18 people die every day in the USA, alone, from taking tropopharma (to much drugs). You could very well say that to use Dr Jaakko Seikkula method is going against the stream.

Dr Jaakko Seikkula really sees the value in the family of the patient. The family is one of the very most important to include with the open dialogue – to address the real issues that have created pain or voices in the head and psychosis or depression.

The family must be included as far as it is possible. The family must be included with the treatment to a far more degree and purpose.

The patient is taking part within the process of treatment. With Dr Jaakko Seikkula open dialog the patient is never per scripted anything or decided how to treat the illness – without the patient taking part in the decision. Together with family. Parents or others. The patients cooperation is the key, and he is known for having success with this recopies of openly talking to the patient on what could be done to help him or her.

Nothing is to be decided about the patient without the patients permission. The patient is taking part is the direct treatment, together with close relatives. Be it gardening, volleyball, gym, cooking, writing, carpeting, the cures of ones illness is many. There is lots of different cures within cognitive therapy. To find work or a hobby is one of the solutions. And knitting to playing piano is just few. With Dr Jaakko Seikkulas open dialog there is a whole team of support to the patient within psychiatric treatment. Talk about the issues and be able to move on within oneness life. To be able to put things behind. To untie the knots and the muscles that have contracted and set free the energy that have build up within oneness body.

Nothing of treatment within open dialogue takes place without the parts agreement, this method of open dialogue is used in both USA, Norway and other nation of “the west”. I have tried it myself. It works. It is a popular way of treatment with good results. Honesty, cooperation and relations is key points here.

Simply talking, communicating more honest & responsible, within the relations (family) of the person with a issue (of schizophrenia with this example from Finland). – simply to talk & listen ! – and make decisions based on real communication, not base everything on just talking patient  <->  doctor.

I would recommend the open dialogue to anyone that happens to deal with psychiatry or just as a life rule in general.

A video of Dr Seikkula here:

Thanks !

Day 463 – Comparison and competition part # 3

I was listening to this interview by Anuaki from eqafe.com :

https://eqafe.com/p/comparison-competition-reptilians-part-219 – about competing and comparing.

I decided to write out my comparing and competitive character. I realize that I have multiple areas where I participate with comparing and competing.

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So this is the third blog in a series on competing and comparison. I realize that comparison and competition have driven it far within my mind and within my life. I want to change myself from this pattern and this idea of comparing and competing with others. Some say that competing is a own gene or that it is natural and healthy. But if you look into this you will find that competing and comparison amongst human is simply some of the most evil shit that exit.

Like I would compare myself to Brad Pitt and for instance his charity work, or his face when I sit on the doctor’s office and waiting on my turn to get my shot, and I read that Brad Pitt and his wife have started to care for child number x and that they support charity work in Africa.. etc. And I think what am I doing to improve life on this earth ? And I go into the doctor’s office feeling like shit and like I have lost, I realize that … wtf ? I am continuing competing with my doctor. I am competing and comparing with him, through thoughts, like “who knows my body the best him or me”, and “when can I start to quit my drugs” and on “what is ethical rights and what is ethical wrong..” within fractions of a second. Comparing and competing.

Manny people would say that comparing and competing is healthy for the economy, and within the business of selling and buying stuff, things, there is lots of competition. That does not mean that the best product is made. Not at all. The best products can be made if the patents are set free, information shared freely, and we can live in peace on this planet, and for that to occur I am changing myself here with my writing and my words. So this proves that comparing and comparing is really not something you would like to go on in this world. If you investigate this you will find this out, that comparisment and competing is rely evil shit, and not something we would like to have with us. All this deeply interconnected to the system that we live in and where we serve. Competing and comparing should not take place, because it creates losers, like for instance with a school class. Where one will be a winner and the rest will be losers – eventually making every single one a loser.

What goes on within me when I think of comparison and competition ?

I realize that I compete because I am a part, like a pre – programmed piece on this earth within the system. This have to end. It is not healthy. And for this change to occur I am changing myself here like with this writing.

I realize that I have been living my life very much in competing and comparison. I would compete with others on lots and everything. Competing and comparison have been going on more or less, every moment of thought or moment of quiet. I would compare myself to others as who is doing most good and who is really putting in effort to make a difference, where I read other peoples blog, people that I walk with, and I would read, and understand that they struggle to make ends and hours meet and I would experience this evil backchats where I participate, going, “ha ,ha, I am glad that is not me” and “ha ha there you go karma, you got what was coming to you” – backchats within my head, that I see is really so twisted and evil and I realize that this backchats occur when I am suppressing the negative and constantly pushing myself to be good enough. Like a system slave. Till here no further enough comparing and competing.

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Self – forgiveness

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to fully see realize and understand what a evil backchats that rises within me as I compete and compare myself with other people that I walk with, where I have backchats that say; “ha ,ha, I am glad that is not me” and “ha ha there you go karma, you got what was coming to you” and I realize that I project out this backchats onto A,B,C, and D and as I project out this backchats I am taking away my responsibility from having these backchats. And it surprises me the level of evil that comes out, like backchats from competing and comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider competing and comparison to be too hard for me to deal with, and I would avoid the topic because I would fear to touch in on the backchats and the details that are simply to evil and bad for me to face. Making myself into a coward, and actually competing on being a coward and being filled with fear. Ending up in a self pity pool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into suppression and depression over the hallucinations or the pictures that appears inform to me with torture and pain of animals and humans that I understand or am sort of told that is coming directly from comparing and competing, and suppression of this matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that symbol of a barb wire as the symbol of comparing and competing and I would suppress and hide within me the backchats like “fuck this shit I man, I am tired of always loosing”, and “I have had it with facings you (x) I am going to beat you to pieces” and backchats where I sort of credit myself with emotional words to boost myself to compete and compare and suppress even more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would experience that my suppression of competing and comparison characters would make me into this ball of negativity and emotions directed against all life forms and I would think that I should let out some steam which is only hate and I would send out these pictures and separated pieces of myself where I hate myself and literally torture myself with self judgment because I compete and compare and then suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that much religions or fear of god is created from this kind of suppression and I realize that people find reason with claiming to God with the fact that they are suppressing lots like competing and comparing and then kneeling to “God” in vain and in desperation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compare my clothes to other peoples clothes and I would think that I look good or cute when I have this and that piece of clothing on myself and It makes me feel alright to have certain clothe and I also see that it can lead to comparing and competing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would think back a t my younger days where I would compare and compete much more with everything that I would wear of purchase or even say, and I would go through my months and my years within this idea to suppress it all and to hide it within my secret mind and to fear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I deserve better than ending up with hate and fear like this because I did good at competing and I fail to realize that the game or play of hate is also a competing and comparison game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could suppress my competing and my comparison within myself because I would be embarrassed or fearful to tell or face others about my comparison and my competing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compete with others on being a social entrepreneur and a builder of bridges, between people between relations and between businesses where I think that I am the perfect social entrepreneur and I am the best bridge builder there is, where I realize and tell myself within backchats “I am such and skills entrepreneur” and “my projects and better than anybody’s” and all sorts of backchat where I I give myself hell for actually being a skilled entrepreneur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my psychiatric survival story is heavier and more turbulent or special, that other peoples stories and I think to myself that there is more reason to pity myself instead of others, where I see that I compete with thinking that I need self pity and I fail to see that I can gain work and I can gain confidence and security with what I want to work with in my life, which is psychiatric work and helping patients out of misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as wrong or bad from having this role of comparing and competing within my head and within my mind where I realize that I am deceiving myself with voices in my head where I am lying to myself by telling myself that I am not competing and that I am better than comparing myself and I do not compete and compare myself with others at all, and I realize that I am telling myself lies to try to gain credit , fame and money with how I can feel sorry for myself and how I can grant myself treats and rewards as a result of thinking that “I have lived such a hard life – I deserve to chill and relax and not participate” kind of backchats that would I would experience within my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compete with what I place within my mind of objects pictures or energies where I realize that what I place within my mind is also affecting me physically and also others around me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with old friends and old followers of special interest like metal music or skating or arts and drugs or addictions where I would find myself competing and comparing myself and my experience of these energies to those people from my young years and my growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would take till myself items like trophies where I would carry with me this and that item, within my mind like to credit myself the energies within this item like I had fought or competed to have that energy piece of meta data like a picture or superman or a metal guitar hero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I compete on looks where I realize that I compete and compare myself with A, B, C and others on how I look and how I dress and I realize that this goes on within my conscious mind creating severe backchat within me saying “you look so trashy” and “you look like a bum” and other types of backchats where I experience that I compete with others to be that special and bet figure that Is always on top sort of and that is always ready to “fight” within mind games and lies and fiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the particular memory attachment of negative value of me and A and B where we were drinking alcohol and where A and B where drawing on my arm and on my body with pencils. Like tattooing only it was pencil, where they wrote “not cool enough”, “not famous enough” and all sorts of words that I was not – enough on my arm and I would go out and get stone and drunk after this, and I remember how I felt cool and superior with my arms tattooed with pencils from A and B, who was a couple back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be myself 100% honest with a one and equal perspective because I stress up and think I must compete like I use to and I must compare like I am programmed to, where I fail to realize that I could lose all this fear and start to live my life for real with slowing down and seeing clear what is my issues and my points.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realize or understand how I would compare myself to people within society that have society rated success, like money, fame, or power, and I go into jealousy and aggression and depression from this comparing and competing with these characters and these people within the world where I realize that for me to become that new leader of the world, I must let go of comparison and competing and I must climb of that old revolting horseback or motorbike that I was riding and come down here on earth and ground myself within my physical and within being here, as life on this earth and in society where I live.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into comparing and competing over thinking I can relate to energies in a different and better way that others, and I would think that I am like Neon Inn matrix with my knowledge of self forgiveness, and I would think to myself that I know better than other how to relate to energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I compare and compete with my dad on being the best possible son where I am his son and he is the son of his parents, and I realize that I compare myself within these bonds and I think that I am better to work out that my dad is and where I would experience this backchats telling me that “he don’t know shit about working out” and “we will see who gets most fit old man” backchats that I would project onto A, or B and I would remove myself from the responsibility of having this backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since I have managed to quit drugs and alcohol and cigarettes, I have beaten or conquered my dad in doing so since he still smokes, and I would be thinking that I already know more ethical rights and wrongs with inn me that I can hold as a advantage within myself and that I can pull out and show to him when I need to like a tool of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my dad with how I think of world systems and I would think to myself that I know more about politics than my dad, and I am more skilled with these terms than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not competes and I do not compare myself with lies and deliberately lie to myself with these words where I end up with excuses to compete and compare myself eve more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back at when I was a young boy and 8 and 9 and I would play outdoors and I think back at this moments and I bring these elements into present where I think that “I was playing so much outside, I would be doing healthy games and I would be doing what was common sense and “I was such a healthy kid when I was young” backchats within me that I would play out when I would feel like I was in the need or in the opportunity to compare and compete with my childhood with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with my parents on baking bread, where I would think to myself these backchat like “my breads and far batter and more tasty and fluffy than your breads mom” and ” I can show people how to bake real good bread” – backchats that I would produce and I would later project out this onto others that I would find smart to do in that moment to feel free from the responsibility of having these backchat at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that “I have the far toughest psychiatry survival story” and ” I have lost so many friends and people I knew to psychiatry and death that It makes me special” kind of backchats that would occur within me when I compare myself to other people within psychiatry, and I would think that I must be first in the line and I must have priority and be the one that is in charge sort of and compete with others with these backchats and these thoughts within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my teaching and to compete with my knowledge with my family on raising children, where I would have one theory on how to raise them and they would have theirs and I would go into competing and comparing with them and think to myself that I know better than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my former girls friends to each other’s where I would say “this girl A would be like so cool and so nice” , while “this girl B would be so smart and so attractive this way” – comparing and competing with how I would relate to my former girlfriends.

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Self corrections to be lived:

When and as I see myself going into suppression over competing or comparing or when I se myself going into competing and comparing at all. I stop and I breathe. I realize that competing and comparison is real evil stuff that I must stop completely. I realize that if I suppress it will blow up in my face like shit hits the fan. I realize that I must be able to live my life without competing and without comparing. I commit myself to stop and prevent all comparing and competing within my life. I commit myself to stop and to deal with my issues, if I start comparing and compeering and to not suppress it and to try to deal with it there and then. I commit myself to be that change within this world and then also stop all my competing and my comparison. I commit myself to play more open with my cards and my issues so that I can see cleared what is my issue and my troubles.

When and as I see myself going into fear from old or new comparing and competing. I stop and I breathe. I realize that old and new comparing must stop and come to an end. I realize that the life that I have been living with competing and comparing have been filled with fear and desperation and this sort of severe emotional layers. I realize that these components must not be allowed to dominate my world and I must there for forgive for all the elements within comparing and competing. I commit myself to end all my participation with old and new comparing and competing. I commit myself to live my life in honesty, and I commit myself to breathe to be here and to slow down. I commit myself to say self forgiveness in the moment to take away the fear and all sorts of emotions or feelings that I relate to the issue.

More on me and my process: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=2567

Thank you for reading !!

 

Video on the topic:

 

 

DAY 462 – – Comparison and competition # two doing physical work.

I was listening to this interview by Anuaki from eqafe.com :

https://eqafe.com/p/comparison-competition-reptilians-part-219 – about competing and comparing.

 

 

full_comparison-competition-reptilians-part-219

 

I decided to start a series on competing and comparison. This is the second in a series where I see myself inn competition and comparison with physical work – where I actually ended up with a psychosis and hearing voices.

 

Part two: Competing doing physical work. And competing doing chores – with dangerous outcome.

I realize that during the last couple of weeks I have been learning and realizing myself with doing physical work. I have seen the positive sides of physical work. And as soon as I would see the positive side of it… boom ! I am trapped within taking pride of the work and competing with others and comparing to others, with a drag of the element of pride with me. My starting point to build up energies here is pride. I did not notice that I took pride in the work and it was left as thorn in my side.

 

I realize that I have been comparing myself to other people that I walk with especially A and B. I have been taking on sever backchats so hard that I walked into a possession, from taking pride in my work going back to fountain house in Stavanger some 2 weeks before this, and not seeing that I was tripping over this wire of taking pride, back then at washing floors at fountain house,  as I was going into a psychosis, painting a wall at my sisters place 2 weeks later.

 

Through comparing and competing this trigger point of pride started a snowball inside of me and it ended with voices in the head and I am dissolving it all here, now.

 

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

– June Roca

http://desteni.org/

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not notice the gathering up of energies around this word from competing and comparing and this feeling of pride for two or three weeks I had been gathering energies to this trigger point and I let them burst out like voices in my head from having competed and compared myself to others for 2 – 3 weeks and saved up energies to this one event of painting a house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to A where I would think thoughts like “A knows the theory of physical work, but not the actual action of it and I know the action of it because of my physical, I am better so I can beat A if I would only push through ” backchats that I would tell myself within a fraction of a second when I would be competing with A on doing physical work and doing “The little extra” like picking up others trash.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to both A and B thinking “I can work better than two because I know how to handle all sorts of tools and I know all about physical work”, “no one knows physical work better than me” – backchats in my head, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into superiority from competing within my chores and my work, within my mind with people that I walk with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participating with physical work and I realize that I was taken by this mode of competing and comparison, and I kept on pushing myself trying to breathe and burst through when my starting point was all about the pride of doing physical work and doing what is physical and doing what was common sense with this starting point of taking lots of pride. From weeks before. And that was also where I trapped myself with a possession or a psychosis and I also experienced voices in my head, as a result of this possession or this psychosis.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to B on how I work with arts and photography and to think that I do better work than B and for having backchats going off in my head saying “B don’t know shit about photography” and “I know all about photography” and ” I am the great art expert of arts” backchats where I would participate and tell myself this in comparison over and over again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I was not able to see and make myself familiar with the word “work” and “chores” and how I could direct this phenomena of work into a cool experience when I dragged myself into this possession and this psychosis of calling it pride and making myself inn need to rewards to myself from how I was doing physical work. Going through all this with the action of constantly comparing and competing. And then comes the energies starting point with pride, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blindly taking on pride as a part of my working doing experience with my physical body where I would experience to fail to recognize that pride fucked me over with its drag of energies and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill my head with “meta junk” like pictures from internet of abuse and news, or songs and ideas and images of myself doing work, like I would step out of myself as physical doing work, into mind and go into this observing myself doing physical work role and I would do this because I notice that meta junk – had from pride triggered a voice within me and it had created a voice within me, saying “Kill your ego” on repeat. And I would react with fear and shock and horror to this voice of mine that would simply be so mean and hurtful that I would become quite scared, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to step back and stop the thoughts and the reactions, within my head and to stop the mind spinning around and around so that I would be serving myself these nasty voices and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to stop the voice at once, to breath and say “stop” to myself since the voice in my head specifically said “Kill your ego” and where I would think that there was something right or cool with me taking on this role of supposedly deleting my ego and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not doing practically what I should have done to say stop to myself and say self forgiveness to myself from conflicts and voices and meta junk and all sorts. Further into the voice, and I did not notice how fucked I was with this psychosis and I was not able to step out of this role of mine, of fear until, like shock and horror would be word that where around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for taking on this senseless voices and thinking that I was being rescued by A and for thinking that since A is teaming up with me I must do everything right. Where I realize that A was “there” as a guide to shed me from harm and drama. I realize that simultaneous that I experienced this taking pride with work that I simultaneously started to think of having a guide and being with a guide, and this probably served me to listen to my guide, like a plant or a ant or a file that would knock me out of my mind and tell me to be here in physical and to breathe. Where I knew that I would find common sense with my guide like I have been guided into writing this.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to my memory of lying on the floor of the Fountain house in Stavanger and washing the floor and as I where washing the floor I was laying down and finding both grapes and a potatoes under the kitchen table, and taking pride. And I remember that this is where I started to take pride in physical work and it is from this moment that I started to take pride and it started my trip with saving up energies to collect then into squeezing my ferris wheel to tell me voices when the meta junk would build up far enough with its energies, so far that my emotional feeling body would squeeze out voices from my physical and kick me into a psychosis with how I was taking pride in physical work , starting at fountain house in Stavanger some weeks ago.

When and as I see myself, taking into my mind, words or details of emotional character, or things like trophy’s. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am fooling myself and deceiving myself with this sort of emotions baggage that would only lie and take up energies from within and I would have to deal with it sooner or later. I realize that I must clear my conscious before leaving it in advance of awareness and I must clear and clean out my conscious before I start to build my awareness. I realize that I must not carry with me stuff or details because that overtime can build up like meta junk and energies that will eventually drive me into possession and ego would all direct this, so ego would know how to direct it into evil voices. I commit myself to stop my ego, and to clear out my brain and my mind from details before I change activity and scene. I commit myself to clean out my energies from everything that is there, before I start to change my activities and my routines and my doings. I commit myself to write and talk out from details and stuff like pride before it attaches like cancer within my body.

 

When and as I see myself ending up with voice sin the head, and no matter what I am doing I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must stop voices as they can turn evil and mean on me. I realize that I must tell myself to stop and bring myself out of reactions. I realize that I must bring myself out of reactions and the drama of voices. I commit myself to take action and stop my voices as soon as they occur. I commit myself to delete my voices and to prevent them from heaping in my head. I commit myself to delete voices, reactions and all sorts of meta data that may be within my head. I commit myself to move into quiet and nothingness with myself in completeness.  

 

 

Thank you for reading.

 

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Day 461 – Comparison and competition # one Shopping grocer’s.

 

I was listening to this interview by Anuaki from eqafe.com :

https://eqafe.com/p/comparison-competition-reptilians-part-219 – about competing and comparing.

 

I decided to start a series on competing and comparison. This is the first in a series where I see myself inn competition and comparison.

 

Part one : Shopping grocer’s.

What goes on inside myself when I shop at the grocer’s store ?

It strikes me, that ,my competing, and comparing is so remarkable and so heavy integrated within me during shopping and it is literally devastating how it effects on others around me. This was the part that surprised me the most with this above interview. How comparison and competition grows so strong that it affects others around me.

 

My competing and comparing leads to backchats , voices in the head, ideas, pictures, personalities, hallucinations, fear and sudden desires. To mention some. And I have been walking and breathing within a suppressed mind construct of competing on particularly shopping. It is remarkable what landscape that evolves within me when I stretch out this construct of going to the supermarket and being at the supermarket and everything is connected and interwoven within this. It have remarkable impact and remarkable effect on me and also on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into my mind construct and entering my “I am going to shop” backchats and mind construct where I realize that I am going into comparing and competition already before I leave the house to drive to the supermarket and I start this endless line of backchats and conflict inside of me from stress and judgment where I stress that I am going to shop and that I have to get it done with, and I am aware that I enter this mind construct of comparing and competing with simply being at the supermarket.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on this “I am a better and more conscious aware shopper then you are” – internal conversation that goes on and within my mind where I prepare myself to go into the supermarket and I prepare my already don role of being superior and being inferior to other shoppers where I have these backchats, like: “I can shop better and more consciously aware than you” and comparing myself to them, creating this idea that I am more aware and I am better shopper compared to what I shop and how I act in the supermarket, because I shop more ecological, and better food and I have these backchats going off in my head like: “I am in my special gifted position to shop my groceries'” where I end up in this superior role to other shoppers and I think to myself that my consume is in any matter better than others and less polluted and more supporting to everyone, and I would place myself within this role of being a better consumer just like the cooperate wants me to think making me dumbed down with bad feelings from consuming and at the same time thinking that I am the greatest consumer and buyer of groceries’ that exist from my choice of groceries’. Pleasing the cooperation’s and giving all my energies and money to consuming.  

I fo6rgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these desires or ideas, towards people in the supermarket that I bump into or from who I ask of advice and I would compare my words and my pictures and my energies that I present to them when I create these ideas and these characters from people in the supermarket and I realize that I am creating these false and unnecessary needs and desires to make my experience of shopping into a better experience and to create a false experience of consuming into a role of fun and exciting experience, like I am creating a experience out of consuming and of telling myself sweet lies about how other people shop and how I am superior to them with for instance picking tomatoes where I go into thinking that “I would know for real how to pick tomatoes” and “others (you) don’t know shit about that”- backchats, I know how to feel the tomatoes and I would know the best way to shop tomatoes and no one knows that better than me – backchats where I have this suppressed role of mine on how I compare myself to other when I shop.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the moment when I face eye contact with other people at the supermarket and I realize that I am comparing myself to them and I am trying to win a competing within myself pleasing my ego by telling myself in these fraction of a second that “I am superior to you” and “I know what I am shopping to a greater extent than you do”, and “I will be paying and leaving this supermarket before you are” and “I will be outside heading home before you” – backchats that I would project on to the CEO of the supermarket or to people in the bank or to other people removing myself from the responsibility of having these backchats within a fraction of a second when facing other people at the supermarket.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I see that I am touching into my egoism and to selfishness on how I experience backchats because I stress and I go into inferiority where my backchats are suppressed and my backchats are ignored creating this selfish desire to be a better consumer totally selfish and just what the cooperate world of consuming wants me to feeding the system its energies and feeding the system with my selfishness, and the system loves it.  

 

When and as I see myself planning or thinking that I will go to the supermarket. I stop and I breathe. I realize that unless I slow myself down and really take my time with everything that I do within the supermarket – experience I am going into stress and conflict from comparing myself to other shoppers. I realize that unless I really slow down and take my time with every part of the shopping experience and really learn myself over again to shop, I would go into stress and conflict within my mind and thinking I would have to force myself to compete with the other consumers and shoppers because I have been designed that way I have been programmed that way. I commit myself to really slow down my whole experience of shopping and to hang my shopping routines out to dry for a while so I can study them and learn myself maybe some tricks or some skills when shopping.

 

When and as I see myself standing in a supermarket and I am about to give into stress or conflict over how I act and what it is to do in the supermarket, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to really slow myself down to restart my learning to shop experience. I realize that I have to bring myself totally to the ground to learn myself over again hoe to shop and how to be a shopper and consumer all over again. I realize that I have to step down from my high horse of stress and desire and competing and slow down to face myself in a supermarket again and really take my time so I do not go into competing “mode”. I commit myself to walk fully out my competing character and to bring light to my experience of shopping and of being at the supermarket. I commit myself to study myself in real time as I slow myself down and bring light to my situation of being a shopper.

 

 

Thank you.

Day 460 – Purifying myself as thoughts.

 

Purifying myself as thoughts – how do I do that?

 

Let’s first look at what creates thoughts. Thoughts are created from memories as they “collide” with energies of present and with the words and energies that are around us in present and from this friction or this reaction, thoughts are born. Thoughts are like energies that are squeezed out from our mind and from the back or our heads like Neo waking up or simply charging matrix / mind with its requested energies and friction.

So how do I purify myself as thoughts? Let’s look at memories first. If I have a memory that I have attached energies to, like energies negative or positive values to a certain memory I need to free myself from this energy because if I let energies that I have connected to this memory collide with energies from words and sentences that I experience today, I am creating a lot more noise and sound around me or within me like the typical backchats within my head, or thoughts that is really out of my control, or even voices in my head.

One more time with memories. If I let a memory attach with energies that are either positive or negative and then giving into words and sentences around me these words from my present and the energies attached to memories collide and create backchats or voices in the head, from friction, or simply thoughts that I do not control myself. I need to free myself from these energies that I have attached to memories through the years through self – forgiveness.

So I can purify my thoughts by forgiving the attachment to the memory, and I can free myself from the attachment or the memory by deleting the attachments and by taking away the energies that I give to the memory through time. I delete the attachments with forgiving myself. I simply say or write self-forgiveness and realize and commit myself to free the energies from the memories.

I purify my thoughts by removing obstacles from the past. Energies turn into tripping vires when they are not dealt with and may surprise you when you least expect it from the debt or your own mind. I would suggest visely for everyone to walk this course : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ – free course to learn self forgiveness with the tools of http://desteni.org/ and to start free oneself from mental mind slavery.

How can I else purify my thoughts? I can purify my thoughts with slowing down my process and to do what is best for all. In acting. By slowing down I see much clearer what I am doing. I realize that I through slowing down can more easily see where I am in my process. And by always doing in practical physical what is best for all I am also purifying myself and my world inside of myself. I am by doing what is common sense and what is best for all purifying my thoughts and my world and by doing want is best for all learning myself to deal with what is best for all and then only thinking on what is best for all. By not doing abuse and by not involving in corruption or lies. Honesty does not abuse so I choose to be honest 100 % of the time.

 

I am purifying my thought right here and right now because I am showing other the way to purify. The very best way to purify is to start desteni i process, pro here: http://desteniiprocess.com/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that energy attachments to memories have specific colures, and special functions and special design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am to kind to give away this valuable information for free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that everyone should learn self-forgiveness to free self from slavery of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that “I don’t want to purify” and “I do not bother to purify” and “someone else can purify” where I project out this backchat onto A and by projecting this out I am removing myself from the responsibility of having these backchats and these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this sense of nervosity and fear in relation to taking on the task of purifying myself as thoughts because it is new territory and I do not know what I am going into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fall back into self-judging because of how I lived my life as a child and how I have judged myself into schizophrenia and suffering from judging myself and I realize that I need to stand up and realize my possibilities here as life in present and in real time inn honesty and stop the judging myself from the past and taking responsibility for myself all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is from fear of content or sensitivity that is occurring when I experience thoughts that are real silent and low down and I realize that the thoughts that are really just because of how my mind is trying to deceive me into fear and phobias and mind way to live in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I realize that living in present and living in every second is the next is bringing qualities to my life and for people to prosper and for people to care and to dare show love to each other’s and to dare to live in present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that to purify myself is my life chore and I realize that purifying myself as thoughts is a task that I must go through for 7 years into life and living the example of Jesus and Bernard Poolman and others alive and dead that have not given up their struggle for equality on earth.

When and as I see myself standing infront of a possibility of choosing something over the other I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can take a minute and analyze the choice and by analyzing and writing pro and against and can come to a conclusion that is best for all, and I will commit myself to when I am to change my activities and what I am at the moment doing I commit myself to find the common sense solution and what is best for all.

I commit myself to open up doors and open up possibilities for people to realize that is full potential. I commit myself to take responsibilities in society where I live and I commit myself to deal with life and to realize that there is lots of my sort of help needed and I commit myself to purify myself as thoughts when I am about to think and when I should have a thought.

I realize that I am heading the right way and that where I am now as myself here in physically breathing and living my life is on the right “track” and I realize that I need to bring myself into the right decision every time that I possibly can and how I will when I change my activity change for what is best for all. And for what is commonsense.

So I need to clear my memories from attachments. I need my memories neutral and like nothing, simply breathe, to be without attachments. I need to clear out the attachment of positive or negative energies so I am not living the energies. But having the ability to live the memory as a experience and as a neutral experience that it in fact is, and nothing more of energies, preprogrammed matrix mind and rather taking charge myself and purifying my thoughts. At least form a memory point of view.

Thank you for reading.

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