Day 441 – Making choices within my life – looking at my teens (self forgiveness)

Making choices within my life – looking at my teens

Part 2

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This is a continuation to the blog post where I look into my relations to making choices. Blog link: https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/day-440-making-choices-within-my-life-looking-at-my-teens/

I will work on self forgiveness to release the energy attached to me making decisions and making choices within my life and to free myself and to again be able to make decisions on my walk towards awareness.

 

 

Enjoy !

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not been able to realize or fully understand how ruined my teens really where and that I was so full of hate and fear that I feel lucky today for being alive and I realize that I would not be here unless it was for allot of support from parents and system around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my relations to making choices as this a piece of paper that is black on one half and white on the other. And I realize that during my teens I grew a lot of demons and fear systems that is covering the black parts and I realize that I have been living my life within the black parts of the paper very much and not giving myself freedom to see that there is a white side to and by doing that gaining self trust and self confidence, but minding the polarity involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to my teens and finding nothing else than piles of emotions and collected pieces of fear and hate and anxiety where I would normally expect there to be fun and loving and care, realizing that my life as 13 and 14 year where full of emotions and fear systems affecting life and creating consequence around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dream picture of polarity of how I would imagine my teen have been, and for going back to this memory and those pictures and indulging in them creating a lies and polarities, where I give the picture value and energies, where I fail to realize that the polarity would further create problems within my life by hiding and covering myself from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that my teens in total where filled with fear and distrust and that my life and my memory of being at teenager where mostly filled with anxiety and trouble, fear and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my memory of positive experience of going to church and taking part in meetings and gatherings within tensing, but also creating polarities from images of these religious gatherings where I would discover very fast that it was all brainwashing and lies realizing my need to hide and suppress this from not being displayed to my parents or to people in my environment out of fear of being bullied or discriminated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a black and white picture of my teenage years where I would imagine finding myself always within the blackness and the darkens and for realizing that I do that because I would have problems making decisions and taking choices within my life, where I would imagine and think that no matter what I chose it is still bad or wrong and totally occupying the black side of the imaginative paper.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having so great trouble making decisions that it had great consequences further inn life, for my choices inn schooling and in education and my life within drugs and escape from responsibility and reality so that I would have to do it over again like this here, with again claiming responsibility and cleaning up my past in my present.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to during my teens feel like I am choosing between two evils and I feel like no matter what I would do I would fail or loose, and I would not realize the full consequences of my choices until today where I can through self forgiveness and inn responseibety look back at my life and study the details.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I to this day feel like choices are hard to make because I do not trust myself because of my many wrongs and bad choices in my teens and I made some decisions within my life that where simply wrong and bad, where I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to drag these thoughts and these patterns of failing into my present and into my everyday life when I am expected to make decisions today within my life and I judge myself as a mistake before I made a choice, because of bad decision making when I was 15.

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Self corrections to be lived:

 

When and as I see myself within a question where I am expected to make a choice. I stop and I breathe. I realize that within my world and my time I am going to have to make decisions. I realize that I have to rely on myself for making these dictions and that the decisions can lead to a physical changes within my life. I realize that my choice might have consequential outcome within my life and I have to be responsible for this. I commit myself to the fact that I am responsible for my own choices. I commit myself to write pro and cons if I need to sort out which choice is the best choice. I commit myself to write and discuss with others what choice can be the best for me. I commit myself to common sense mannerism within choice making and to be aware that I am responsible for my choices.

 

When and as I see myself going back to my memories of making bad decisions in my teens and judging myself for that I stop and I breathe. I realize that It is no good judging myself for that today, because I did some mistake when I was 13 and 14 does not give me the right to judge and blame myself for that later in life or at all. I realize that I have been judging and sentencing myself to sever punishment for many years through suppression like with drugs and alcohol and I realize that I have to stand and correct all this today with responsibility and common sense mannerism. I commit myself to be investigate my child hood as also with my teens and to figure out what exactly was going on within my mind and my world of thoughts and backchats and mind games at all. I commit myself to set myself free from the energies of judgment and of blame. I commit myself to walk everyday from conscious to awareness.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading.

Investigate: http://desteni.org/
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Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Self perfection: https://eqafe.com/

Day 440 – Making choices within my life – looking at my teens

Making choices within my life – looking at my teens

Part 1

 

I realize through the last couple of days I have been working on self forgiveness, opening up points and layers within my youth. I have been living my life through my teenage years with great suppression. I realize that my thinking from my age of 11 and 12, and 13, was very seriously and sickening negative thoughts. I was thinking like I do not fit into here, I do not belong here, this is not my place. Help me get out and leave. But there was no escape or help, to see. I had to figure it out myself. I could not find my place on earth. And I would further commit myself to elements and thoughts like “I am a freak of nature” and “I am a gangster” and “I am a rebel” and sticking to the aggressive side of the psyche charter sort of. I would be in opposition no matter the discussion. And eventually all my choices would involve pain or suffering. I would find myself within the realms of depression , anger frustration with a strong and determined manner. I was determined to stay like a freak and a misfit. This lasted all through my teenage years until I eventually where caught by psychiatry when I was 24.

I would find some trust like a polarity within the church that where engaging teenagers when I grew up. I would be engaged with teen sing choir and gatherings but it was more a cover up for and also a place to socialize with others. I was total not really buying the “god ” package that where served through church and mental brainwashing at the gatherings and religious meetings.

 

I would go through my ages of 12, and 13, and 14 and find myself as a complete zombie. I find myself committed through denial of my emotions while living them, and my feeling as freak and looser and, and I would attach to that. I was living in despair of balance through outbursts at my parents, when it came to that. I where determined through my teenage years to stay a rebel and a rather spiteful character. I was in a lot of trouble or close to trouble that I dragged with me further in into adulthood. I was seeking adrenaline rush and later I suppressed all this with alcohol and drugs.

 

I realize today that my life through my teens where so incredible fragile. I was so fragile that I find word hard to use. I where a entity of emotions and aggression sorrow and spite. A terrible combination. I was a wreck at 12. This was not noticed by people in school or other relations This was not taken into consideration when I where to choose further and higher education. I had less than zero experience or at all knowledge to make a decision on. Taking the decision of choosing a higher education where totally random to me. And it to this day still is very, very difficult for me to take decisions. Decisions making is a huge problem with me. Small or big decisions. I go completely paranoid with fear of choosing wrong.

 

 

You see through my teenage years the faith I had in myself where so low and dirty and fragile that I am surprised that I am still alive today. From looking back at when I was 12, and 13, and what went on inside my mind and my brain then. It is quite and supriced to me and I am glad that I am still alive. I was not understanding knowledge of life that I was as expected to and I would choose my future like people bet on lottery. Totally go with the flow kind of action. And it is not until toddy that I see that I am not able or in any further matter prepared still to take choices. It would seem to me as I grew up that choices where always between two evils and it would paralyze me to make decisions. It would be like I would freeze in moment and give into mind and mind fucking and tricking and screwing around with drugs and alcohol, and living without responsibilities within my life at all. And avoiding choices.

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When I come to think of it is that specific reason that is making people accept being poor and having little money. To remain poor. I have some friends that say “I am poor, but it suits me ok”. or “I am happy with being poor”. Like they do not mind. My guess is that it makes them less exposed to choices and to decision making. A easier life and fewer options. That is how I see it. Accepting to be poor is to not be responsible with self and realizing that one is supposed to make decisions and make choices within oneness life. Just like me when I was starting gymnasium. I was making wrong choices based on “go with the flow” – kind of thinking. I was not acting responsible. It is today that I fully realize how damaged I was of being in opposition from 12, and 13 and from that fearing to make dedications. It certainly made great impression on me. Making choices in a part of life of human beings. Young and adult, and I want to restore my faith in mine.

 

Self forgiveness in next blog.

 

Thank you for reading.

Investigate: http://desteni.org/
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Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Self perfection: https://eqafe.com/

Day 439 – The mind is a tool not a toy – a psychiatry survivals perspective.

The mind is a tool not a toy – a psychiatry survivals perspective.

 

I know the psychiatry of today. No better than I would like to listen to anyone’s and I do mean anyone’s, testimony about their story or their view on the topic and to learn their perspective on it. I want to share what is fact and what is common sense with psychiatry and life. But let’s look at the source of trouble here. The mind . The mind is invented when man meets man. The mind is not invented to the person living on a island alone. The mind is not invented to a baby child. A baby child knows not mind.

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Schizophrenia only occurs when there is more than one person to awareness. (At all) – it is one of the fundaments of knowledge of schizophrenia. Or self. So mind is invented and thought upon and within. So what does mind do in psychiatry today ? Talk , gestalt therapy. It still exists. It does not show to good, but it still exist. Talking to a person with a degree in psychology, or other common interest still takes place. Just talking and listening, sharing. It still exists. On certain levels of trust, never the less the very best therapy above all, is the one you give to yourself, through resonance and practically psychically writing and reading and working with your body. Working could be lots but physical challenges are very much needed and should be per scripted to patient, much more. Training and gym should be granted to people who take medication to improve their lives.

 

At the hospital in this county where I live and grew up, where I have spend many months of despair and months of, psychosis and suffering , I have been visiting the old art and craftsmanship classrooms. They used to be of great importance. But no more. Chemical thinking ate them up and austerity finished them totally. I have spend hours sitting there and drawing or painting, knitting, and working shit out from within myself. It have had enormous importance for me, and my will to live on. It seems shameful that today one should have iPod and not knitting, or one should have Smartphone and not painting. That is not a cool sign of mannerism or behavior. At the same time I see that proposals of legalizing weed is going on in USA and other countries. That is not to cool by me. I mean weed should not be illegal, it should just not be used or taken. Simple as that. But people will still take it because they know nothing else. People are desperate for methods and paths, of escape of responsibility. Now that we see weed as a industry in Colorado, for instance it is just one more wheel on the imperial ride machine of USA to bring people to their knees in shame and despair over being what they are within the matrix of existence. The personal crisis is still going on. Read the news. Serial killers take Prozac and anti depressants. It sometime can be said a simple and barbaric as that. But it proves to be true.

 

 

We must again face the fact that humans can change. We seem to forget that every day. A adult to can change. We can still learn lost and we can still do lots and because we can create heaven on this mother earth, we will. Because we can. And the possibility is there. We have to stop the abuse. No more suffering. Welcome oneness and equality.

 

I have been there and I have shared some honesty with other patients. And I have seen the doors to the art rooms close and shut down. I have been trying it on my own and I have created lots of what shall I say facilities to work and promote arts and work and to heal and share awareness on everyone’s psychiatric health. But I have also been weak. Weak to drugs and narcotics. And also alcohol. That is a part of my burden , but I forgive myself and move on from there and face other perspectives and new ground in oneness and equality.

So what is the answer to today’s psychiatry of the world ? In China or India there is hardly such a thing as psychiatry. People in China who suffer from psychosis are stuffed away and kept in prisons and in small cages and in ropes, and cared for by their family.

 

But what about the rest? USA, Italy, Scandinavia, Britain., etc…

There is no easy way to say this but psychiatry is a huge industry, controlled by few people and their demonic energy that they share in desperation after profit, and money, power and above all control. It is beyond sickness. It is demonic. The sickness is total and it is from the Imperia of USA. And our other governments tagging along. But enough is enough. We are walking process to end suffering and abuse. There have been enough corruption and greed enough mind control. Enough lies. They are not going to walk away with it. Till here no further. We are going to stop it. For good and totally. Eventually. The boards in USA of psychiatry and chemical therapy Incorporated, is controlling the remains of the world through the so called free marked. The USA controlled free marked. Let’s bring it back to self, to my responsibility on earth.

 

I can name 5 or 6 or maybe even 10 known diagnosis’s that I know what is, and that has its symptoms. Like Schizophrenia and hearing voices and like manic depressive with being depressed and Anorexia related to eating disorders, and PST which rephears to early trauma like abuse or violence in childhood. But what about the mind ? How is mind used as a tool when it is only give chemical therapy. You cannot claime that one is dealing with the mind if you are solely given chemical therapy. That would be lies, abuse and not trustworthy. The mind is above all best dealt with through resonance and self forgiveness. Words. Talking writing, playing piano, drawing and forgiving self, physically working with self. Caring for self. Forgiving oneness emotions and the thoughts and ones desires, polarities, fears, etc. Self forgiveness in the great key here. I cannot say this clear enough. It is the so called “hidden secret” the detail Michelangelo touching god, or Oscar touching Leon. Jessica touching a dog, or Adam cosign a cat, or whatever. It is people sharing being together in decency and in respect. Oneness. Base on the simplest holistic principles. To put it in understandable terms, the principle of Jesus and common sense. That would be nice. And that is what is coming. We need you to join in on the walking and writing team. Join us in desteni.org.

In the boards in USA that control the diagnosis systems claims there are over 400 known diagnosis “out there”. 400. So that no one escaped the diagnosis system. There is one for everything and everyone. I could narrow it down to 5 , or 6 or maybe 10 with great success. I could solve lots, from my point of perspective and my point of view. With my solutions. Delete poverty and you come very, very far with it. But I am just one more Jesus. And I still have lengths to go with myself in my process with desteniiprocess. But still I am a person who have had ideas of sharing, love, openness, caring, commonsense and therefore locked away in hospital for years. Just like Jesus Christ was crucifies for sins that he did no commit. People would fear my mind. And then I would fear it to, and I would there for need self forgiveness. I will not be silenced. Even though there might be energies, not full people, but energies that would like me to be gone because I threaten their empire of money, power, control, and drugs.Image

Down to earth awareness. There are not 400 mental diagnosis, to believe so is Donald Duck language to claime so is madness. There is neither need for 10, 12, or 15 or more different kind of drugs per patient per day. It is simply abuse. And far from common “doctor sense”. It is crime what is going on, a huge fuckins genocide that is taking place before our very eyes. It is the emotional negative demonic energy that floats through the people and doctors and politicians and they minds, in channels heads and hands, writing out prescriptions so they them self can collect a bigger salary. It is greed of man.

 

What about mind, mind still exists. We are depending on it. Mind can be helpful as it is. And it is a tool to be used to paint, play piano, or play hockey, or to run and swim, work on fields, care for children, say self forgiveness, read a book, drive a car, bye groceries, etc. The mind is to be used as that tool to understand self and to reflect on one self so that one can see what is maters where one is in this locked system of mind, and so that one can, learn to deal with self. Through the best therapy available which is to write out and say self forgiveness. To self. The sound of self through self forgiveness. Join us in desteni.org. Start today with your course, and lets walk and breathe, write and share until it is done completely and until everyone needs are met in oneness and equality.

 

 

 

 

Investigate: http://desteni.org/
Check out a free writing course : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Self perfection: https://eqafe.com/

Thank you for reading !

 

 

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Day 438 – Directing thought

Directing thoughts   & letting go of self judgment

Thought to direct:

Thought: “Don’t be so disappointed if you do not make it”Image

 

 

I realize that this thought is a part of a self judgment sabotage programmed that lives deep within me. I will work on self forgiveness on this specific thought but also on the topic of self judgment and self blame.

 

I realize that this kind of backchat is tearing my world apart. I realize that I have extensive lots of backchats like this. I want to free myself from the self judgment. I want to free myself from the judging and self blame and the sabotage, and stop the backchats like that. This kind of backchat have been tearing down myself trust. And my self confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of this thought “Don’t be so disappointed if you do not make it” where I am experiencing that I am judging myself because of how I create this idea that I am born to have great successful life when I fail and I feel like everything that I do is fault and a mistake.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed and confused when I experience this kind of thought that is simply ruining my life and my life expectations, and tearing my world of confidence apart and creating mistrust within me where I end up in self judging and blaming myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my starting point of wanting to achieve something within my life like I want to become better at what I do and perhaps even take a study course and learn something new where I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to sort of fall or trip over words like paranoia and fear or emotion or this thought that I am directing and I realize that I have to direct it or I am not going anywhere within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to notice the fear within this sentence because I do not know what “it” represents, and then I do not know what I am missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the second fear within this sentence that is simply fear of dying , and I realize that the sentence may actually sound threatening and scary.

 

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out that I will face this point of paranoia tomorrow or later and to create this huge big spot within me filled up with projections that I should deal with and that I have been projecting that I plan to do next day or later.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the reason why I am and as fail to see that reason why I am, I fail to be here as breath and I fail to remember to love all being as one and to give love equally and so I forget to live my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on new roles like work or chores within my life where I fear to take on more responsibility and more chores within my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am special and that I need special service and for starting to compare myself with other destoninans or other people, and by doing that I am creating distrust within me thinking I can never do that shit and omg look how cool he have made his blog, making myself into a looser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not been able to realize or fully understand that it is from my starting point of jealousy that I am going into this trap of mind and of possessing this thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and create this pattern of reaction within my head where I think that I am simply paranoid and I am simply sick and it will pass and projecting all this out to be done some other day.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have been mind fucking myself with this thought and I have been fooling myself and deceiving myself and sabotaging myself with thinking this thought and sabotaging myself trust and myself confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look into the starting point of this thought and trying to find that trigger point of where I realize that it is jealousy that is the starting point of this thought, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself what I might be able or supposed to be doing with the thought, and I fear to go into it because I fear to let the thought further attach to me , as I investigate it, and I realize that jealousy is its the starting point.

When and as I see myself going into my mind and call for this thought “Don’t be disappointed if you do not make it” I stop and I breathe. I realize that this thought comes because I am starting to look into jealousy, and I start to give into jealousy and thinking how come I am still not on the farm in South Africa and thinking that it is my turn and envying others that go there, failing to realize that I am walking into a trap and as I do taking on this thought of ” don’t be disappointed if you do not make it.”- and letting the thought possess me. I realize that this have been a though possession that have been going on for a long time because I can look back at my life and recall it on several occasions months back.

 

I realize something about self forgiveness here. And that is how I have had this other sort of jealousy on other people having homes, jobs, cars, children etc, the life that seam normal and I realize that I have my life and I can develop and change into quite allot thanks to self forgiveness, and I can improve myself and learn new and different skills with myself and improve my life situation, and use this as a reason to do just that. Realizing that most people are stuck in their bubbles of pre-programed and matrix reality. I realize that this thought possession have been very dominating to me in my mind. I realize that my starting point of jealousy have made it worse. I realize that hidden beneath this lies a opportunity to study or achieve something or some skill, and I realize to myself as I reveal and take of mind layers and thought patterns and emotions and feelings that then opens up doors every time and it opens op opportunities every time that I work on the self forgiveness on these points within my life.

 

I realize that I must direct this thought as it is creating fear within me and I must direct this thought into somewhere because it is simply not doing any good, where it is, and I have to make sure that it is dealt with in a real and proper manner, and I realize that if I don not stop it from occurring it will create more hell.  

 

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Self forgiveness, seeing myself as a looser.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself because of my old relationship, to porno where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go back to my former mistakes and I drag myself very far into the dirt by giving into my internal conversations and my backchats that tell me that ” I suck” or that “I am such a looser” and so on, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fictions and lies within my mind from simple pictures where I present this fiction or this picture and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on energies that is connected to these pictures and make the lies a live “show” within my head. Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and crate this fiction drama of guilt and shame within my head from connecting energy to pictures and by so creating backchats and internal conversations where I tell myself that I am not worthy of anything cool, or nice at all. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and drag myself down in the dirt of blame and guilt because I give into the backchats and I start believing it and living it by constantly physically and mentally judging myself and creating my life into hell from this pictures that I sett life to in a matter of speaking or a creates pieces of fiction where I tell myself that I am no good etc. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the moment where I give into this fiction where I by the lies and start to create backchats within my head and within my mind falling for the trap of mind and heading into possession of thought and backchats.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need something like a energy or a girlfriend or a sweets or drugs etc, to for fill my empty need from not judging myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still fall for the old backchats and internal conversations that would tell me that I need a girl friend or that I need drugs or sweets at all. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must fill this space within me with something smart or something cool and I start to feel all stressed about that matter. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I am stressing and because I feel like I have not time to lose. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself because I feel like must give that place or empty space something like mater or energy to be myself with blame again.

 

When and as I see myself going into my mind and I automatically turn of the self-judgment switch I stop and I breathe. I realize that my life would be very much better without self judgment and I realize that I have to stop the cycle of self judging , it cannot go on. And I realize that I must not feel obligated to fill that space with something because the danger that I do the same mistake again is to big. There really is no extra space unless I make it. And I realize that I must live in my physical the changes that I want to be without self judgment. I realize that I must prove to myself in physical that I can live without self judging. I commit myself to stop the self judging from my physical. I commit myself to delete self judging from my mind and from my head and my world and I commit myself to stop feeling like I have to fill the empty space with something nice or cool or special. I commit myself to clear out the demons and to clear out all the backchats from within my head and my mind. I commit myself to live this changes in physical.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and telling myself that I do not count and I do not measure at all, how I do not pull my own weight. Like I am to lintel or to small because of my relationship to money where I think that I have to little and I create this desires and artificial, need for something that I do not have and that I would like to have and crying out that I would like more and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself within my thoughts and within my mind where I tell myself that I am such and loser or a bum because I have to little income per month, and I start to imagine and stress about finding work and I start to stress and calculate my future, so that I am judging myself and burying myself within stress and backchats and internal conversations, where I tell myself that I need to find a job to make more money and by doing so supposedly acting more normal or according to pre-programm.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act more normal because of this voice in my head that would be telling me that I am not normal enough. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I do not think normal and that I think outside of the box and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because of how I act or how I dress and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on self blame and guilt from not living up to this shape or this measurements of being normal and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energies form within my mind where I end up with creating backchats within my head telling me that ” I am m a freak” and telling me that ” I am a monster or “not normal” creating judgment and blame within my mind and within my living, judging myself severely and without thinking of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize or fully understand that unless I live these changes in physical it is no good and no point at all to write all this and unless I am able to act out physical and live my life according to these changes the writing is no good. I realize that I have to live the changes that I place upon myself. I realize that they must be lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could hide behind fear or ideas or desires within my mind because I would start to think that I cannot live these changes and I do not have the power to push myself to these changes. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must live these changes it is crucial that I do. And I commit myself to stop all sorts of judging and blame within myself and start to live my life.

When and as I see myself going into my mind and starting to judge myself I stop and I breathe. I realize that I need to live my life in the practical manner that life is to be lived by, and not to judge or blame myself.    

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind and create this reactive pattern where I judge myself and blame myself because of my experience of how society is screwed together, with its completeness of mistakes.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to think of the consequences when I judge myself and blame myself and I leave out to think of consequences within my life.  

I commit myself to live these changes and to push myself if I need to and to see through that I will end all self judgment within myself.

 

 

When and as I see myself going head on into the mind trap of self judgment I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I take on this reactive programmed of thinking in my little box of mind where I crumble together and start to think I am but reacting , it is taking possession within me. I realize that if I walk into a mindset that is setup to have me reacting and thinking it is in itself a possession and it will make me have thoughts where I judge myself it is better that I do not judge myself , and avoid to go into the trap. It is better to avoid to go into this trap of the mind and rather live, and let mind be mind in peace sort of.

 

I realize that if I am supposed to be living my life and being responsible I must have peace with my mind, and it is not if I am ma taking on possession of thoughts and imaginations. I realize that I must create routines to avoid the trap of mind and to walk around it if I have to. And to live in peace with my mind. And I realize that the lesser I give into mind the better, and that I can use the mind as a tool if I need to but else it is juts there controlling me and that have to stop. I commit myself to live my life with using the mind as a tool when I need it and to stop letting it decide how I live my life. I commit myself to live my life in peace with my mind and not let me fuck to much with mind and not to let mind fuck to much with me either. I realize that myself judging comes solely from participating heavily with my mind, and it is there for important to clear all energetic reaction to mind. I commit myself to try to create peace with my mind and also at the same time be aware my mind and I commit myself to avoid going into the mind possessions and its readymade traps of energetic addictions. I commit myself to stop my mind energy addictions one by one, step by step. Until it is done. I commit myself to live in peace with my mind. I commit myself to the idea that so above so below thinking of equality and of equal share to everyone. I commit myself to be one and equal to anything that I may meet come to my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Investigate: http://desteni.org/
Check out a free writing course : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Self perfection: https://eqafe.com/

Thank you for reading !

Day 437 Psychiatry

Psychiatry

 

 

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I have been enrolled within the psychiatric system for 12 years now. 12 year with that health industry. I have learned a lot but I have learned the hard way. I am still enrolled within it. The road to where I am today have been long and hard. Many of my friends have died. I have been psychotic and very sick many times I have been abusing drugs and abusing alcohol and myself with porn, and doing everything that I was not supposed to. I do not blame myself for this today – because I am walking a process with desteni.org with self forgiveness and self correction. I have defied parents and system and gone through suffering of possession and emotional stress. I have been doing things that my doctor would not permit. I have had many a doctor and I have had many arguments with nurses. It’s been 10 years with suffering and abuse. 80 sometimes in and out of hospital. Taking the doctors pills and gaining weight, going off and doing drugs. This spiral goes round and round to this day taking chemicals gaining weight, going of chemicals taking drugs and wanting drugs. And drinking lots of alcohol. Round and round in a loop. It is the evil of psychiatry industry and it have to stop.

 

It is a dangerous game and it a game that is not recommended to anyone to play the doctor for a fool and to rather want to do drugs. Either way you (I) loose. I would say your chances of survival, are much higher with taking the chemicals from the doctor, and gaining weight, for some times, rather than involving with crime and abuse. Gaining weight and loose life expectancy with chemicals, or do drugs and drink and act careless about your life. It is a game you lose anyways. Still I have been addicted to the energetic experience of taking on and into myself some kind of drug and I have been addicted to taking onto myself drugs for so many year that I need to come down from it and it is going to take time. Today I take one medication. Only one.  

 

It have been said many times that these two are depending on each other, that drugs and mental health go hand in hand. That they belong together. Well if you do drugs you are more likely to become mentally sick that is for sure. But what is left out is that there could be therapy without drugs. I see today a survey from USA where children as young as 1 years old take medication to heal mental illness. I will repeat that one more time. Children as young as 1 years old take chemical drugs. So we seem to have forgotten that humans can actually change. Especially children are adaptable to change. Humans can also have therapy without chemicals. There is therapy without chemicals. It is often the most successful. I am living proof of that. I have been playing drum and guitar and piano and being drawing and painting and also done quite a lot of writing and reading. And that have improved my life situation.

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I have been writing with this secret or this key, self forgiveness. I have been writing within it now for 2 years. 2 year of steady writing and saying self forgiveness. That pays of eventually. And that is real fuckings therapy.

 

I will repeat myself here. The key or the big secret in life is to use the therapy of self forgiveness. Self forgiveness is the big solution that the human need to go through to change.

So what we seem to forget here is the real therapy involved. The hours of talking and making arts and playing guitar and playing piano the hours spend writing and walking daily walks. That is fuckings therapy. Chemical therapy is just temporarily and a short period medical solution that is not to last for several years. Chemical therapy is very dangerous as it is extended, and it shortens one’s life expectancy with many, many years.  

 

Today I visit a community nurse every 14 days or so. We talk about stuff like housing and work, mental health and so on. It is something that I look forward to do within my routine life. It is nice to talk to her and to get the kind of information that I need. It is cool that she shares her opinion with me on how I am making progress with work, and staying of drugs.

I visit my doctor every 14 days. Right now we are sort of on hold and waiting for the director of the mental hospital in Stavanger to contact me to start with new recovery meetings. We are planning a recovery group together, and right now we are waiting for the director to take initiative to invite to a new meeting.

It seems that there are actual force or should I say industry and energies within it, that works to make everyone the same and identically. Through government and also military plan to make every citizen totally identically. And to have a elite upper class that control the lower class with its military and by creating everyone into robots. Let me draw you a example. Mc Donald’s wants every cow to be al identical as possible. They want their burger to taste the same in Norway and in Brazil and Chicago and in Bangkok. They want the cows to be identical. And it is the same with the paramedic industry. Selling drugs to children and to everyone. There are some demons that want us to be identical and by spraying on us with chemtrails and serving us burgers and student loans, and chemical therapy, to put it that way. Putting flour in the tap water etc. But these energies have come over time and the people that are serving them are not to blame , they are simply following their pre- programme just like I was before I found desteni.org.

 

They are trying to genetically fix and manipulate the people to become identical slaves and to be the very same sort of humans. Through government programs they are mainstreaming everyone to be totally the same with chemicals and all sorts of programs from you are born until you die. With the commercials and the food we eat and the poisonous air we breathe, from chemtrails, and all sorts of pollutions. I am telling you again my friend that there are demons that work like energy to make this happen in this world. Either they are Mc Donald CEO,s or they run big banks it does not matter. It really does not matter because we are in it equally and together. And we must work and cooperate together to make the best possible outcome. We are in the boat, all of us and we must do what is best for all. And what is that? To have a decent life. To delete poverty. To have the money to by a guitar and pay for a painter course. To afford to have medical care and education etc. A more fair share for everyone from the big money cake. Some are actually trillliarders today, within this world and they do not go out of their way to stop these drugs, burger, chemtrails, bank loan plans etc. They are out there with a scruppeled conscious. They are out there sitting in the director chairs and making decisions. They are real and they make a part of our reality. Do not doubt this. We need to remember that we can change. We can take on our self therapy and forgive our self, and stop the blame game. We can work this out, but we need everyone to participate.  

 

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There are hummans that want to protect the rich elite of this world to be the ones in charged. But it is not going to end like that. There will be no new world order like that. The only new world order that we will see is from people who have gone process with self forgiveness through many years and that have cleared out all corruption and all fear and emotions, energy addictions etc. The only new world order that we will ever see it that of living income guaranteed and equal money system and the children of tomorrow.

 

So back to the nurse and I. Usually I come to this nurse and talk and we share cup of coffee and she often credits me for being so steadfast with my writing and telling me some honesty. We talk about the future of psychiatry, and about the new recovery model where I hope to find work. We both share the idea that Recovery model in psychiatry will be what is best for all. And she tells me to be proud of being drug free in my 2nd year. And I am reminded that life without the hash and the weed and the beer is far better life. It cannot be compared.

 

So let’s summarize abet. I would not be here today if it was not for the cognitive programs of drawing , painting , playing piano, walking, writing and reading. And this is what is therapy. Large doses of medication is murder. If you take those large doses of drugs every day for many, many years your life expectancy is reduced with maybe 20 years and that is alarming. Bring back the real therapy programs let solve this together investigate a solution to start writing and learn self forgiveness:   http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

 

Investigate: http://desteni.org/
Check out a free writing course : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Self perfection: https://eqafe.com/

Thank you for reading !

Day 436 – Directing thoughts : so they do not direct me.

Directing thoughts : so they do not direct me.

Thought:

I feel like I am so fuckings stuck.

This thought have come up within my mind recently as I realize that I live with my parents house and that I am 35 years old and I do not have a girl friend, I do not either have ordinary work, facts like that. And all these backchats or thoughts and reactions within me that create this thoughts where I tell myself that” I am so fuckings stuck” and I realize that this thought drives me insane with guilt and shame and directs me into having further thoughts and paranoia with how I experience my life situation. Like I am lost behind the carrier or something. How I should go desperate and find a girl friend online and try to move to a city and similar and seaming desperate thoughts.

I use the tool of self forgiveness to deal with these reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the images and the ideas of where I live and ideas and thoughts and the fact about my life sort of team up on me and shoot out this thought where I tell myself that “I am so fuckings stuck where I am at” failing to realize that since of my situation I can spend more hours writing and sharing online and giving into sharing and producing materials to share of my experiences.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought that gather from these circumstances gather up and create a series of ideas and desires making my life a hell, within me as it came bursting like voices through my head and my mind like rocket, bringing me out of balance.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let in on myself this particular thought that I mentioned above and for letting this though create paranoia and confusion within my life and for letting this particular thought drive me into desperation of looking for potentional girl friends and for looking for other possibilities of housing, that I could look for online services that might have a girlfriend to offer me, totally thinking with my dick and looking at giving into abuse and dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought drive me into having ideas and desire about x and how I could potentinonaly hook up with x again, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind with desires and imaginations on how I could hook with x and have sex with x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that x only wants to be my girl friend because I have more money than she does and that would be her ticket out of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as I am directed by this thought, that I could try to find a girl friend on cafes or inn social settings and other places, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I could try to find girl friends in other places and in other forums than where I normally go. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this thought direct me into having more and more complicated thoughts and idea on how I picture my life living with parents at home and not having real work or relationship, and that from this I grow characters where I blame myself for being a looser and for having thoughts of not having success or a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I need to find a place of my own somewhere that I could live in rural Norway or in a apartment to live on my own, and for thinking that my parents could by me such a place because they are my parents and they have more income than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have not succeed or I have not balance within me because I live with my parents and I give into the energies that tell me that it is not cool and it is rather embarrassing to live with ones parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this idea that nothing is ever good enough for me and that I need to have something higher up and something more and fresher and something new all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I find it hard to try to find a solution to my desires of finding a girl friend and being stabile and calm on where to live and that I would try to convince myself that I am fine where I am at, while thoughts appear, telling me that I need nothing more and that less is more and where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start this series of complaints that everything is taking so fuckings long time, and to be further directed by this thought where I tell myself that I need change within my environment and within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into envying from this thought where I tell myself that I need something different and cooler, where I realize that I am simply envying other people and I am simply envying other peoples life style and money.

When and as I see myself having thoughts like “I am so fuckings stuck where I am “, and thought where I tell myself that I should be doing something complete radically different like to move from my apartment to the city and to give my money to someone who needs it or like if I should give my stuff away and walk the earth. I stop and I breathe. I realize that If there is fear or paranoia with how I see my life situation or how I experience my situation I am most likely envying something else and I am most likely envying and being jealous on other people and envying others life situation.

I realize that jealousy, is a bad emotion. I commit myself to be real about how we are going to have a living income guaranteed amongst humans on this earth and how It is inevitable to have a more decent life styles for everyone and to delete poverty.

I commit myself to stop and investigate this thought within me where I investigate what is going on within my mind and my head as I turn into envy and I start envying others.
I realize that as long as I am single I am fine living home with where I am living now. I realize that envy is a read bother and I commit myself to clear out any envy or jealousy bullshit that might be within me. I commit myself to stop all thought about envy that might appear within me.

As I have worked with this directing of thought a character have appeared within me, a “Not good enough character”, or personality if you like.

I Realize that that I have this buzz going on in the back of my head almost constantly, and in the back of my mind where I tell myself that I am not doing things well enough. That I do not push myself hard enough or far enough. I have this thought or backchats that goes on almost all the time telling me that “hey you are not pulling your weight” and ” dude you need to hurry up” and “you suck” or “you are so lame” and backchats where I judge myself and blame myself cruelly.

And I realize that I have developed a total character of judging and blaming myself where I tell myself in short glimpses that I am not cool enough or that I am not giving it all that I need to give it. And I live in this character of being a looser.

Why do I experience these thoughts? Why do I have this backchats in my mind ? What is laying behind this need of mine to judge myself ,and tell myself that I am not good enough ?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have so good knowledge within psychiatry and I am supposed to know everything apart within psychiatry and I judge myself as fool and a looser because I still do not work within those doors and I still do not have work to do within psychiatry as much as I would like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not good enough to do what is expected of me and to feel like a complete failure when I have this backchat going of all the time in my head, where I tell myself that I am simply not good enough to do work or have girl friend or to live on my own.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I found myself within this status q where I have to face the consequences of the life that I lived before with drugs and abuse, and I would have to face the consequences by living with parents and not having a place of my own and so on.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to push myself because of this thoughts where I tell myself that ok, now I am here and I have to do this and make the best of it if it is to by some apples or to drive my car or enter a coffee shop or go the movies and must do it and do the best of it and I commit myself to specifically in those happenings and actions taking place to be breathe and to be within myself stabile and breathing 100% – whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have this constant feeling of having to compete with myself where I first tell myself that I am not good enough and then later that I should do something in a different way and that I am not doing it properly. And I go into competing with what seems to me to be comparing myself with other peoples self forgiveness and blogs and sharing’s, and I tell myself that I am not doing it equally good like them and I bring myself down because of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the mode of competing and of taking on the role of being at a sort of competition when I think of stuff to write and how I think of stuff to produce and share with others and I start to compare myself with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I live my life from day to day and how I think to myself on a regular basis like during evenings that ” I should be more supportive ” and telling myself that I should care more for myself”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for my thoughts and for fearing that I do not know what to do with the thought and I would fear to doubt myself as I instead separate myself from the thought and creating this huge gap where I blame myself and I tear down everything nice about myself through sabotaging myself with not being responsible for my thoughts and directing them nicely and in decency and for what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have a specific career and that I do not have scholar education even so I am fucked and I cannot make it, make the success in life, failing to realize that I have given myself a opportunity to work on myself further and even more since I do not work and since I do not spend lots of hours in school and work, and I can write at computer at home instead.

I commit myself to work steady and steadfast on my writings and to blog and vlog about the world and psychiatry and everything that is involved. I commit myself to be alive and to be breathing 100 % of the time that I am here in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought ” I am such an looser” and by separating myself from the thought I am giving into believes that it is not my thought, or responsibility and starting to occupy mind energies and the experience of being a looser, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my thoughts as they pop up in my head and I blame it on system and I blame it on pre programmed and everyone else when they occur in my head and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don’t want to deal with my thoughts as I find the two scary and freaky, and evil and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my thoughts and pretend to throw away my thoughts and my responsibilities to thought and thinking in general.

Art work from : https://eqafe.com/

Investigate: http://desteni.org/
Check out a free writing course : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/
Self perfection: https://eqafe.com/

Thank you for reading !

Day 435 I got hacked

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Day 435 I got hacked

I woke up this other morning and my Google account was hacked. Someone somewhere hacked into my Google account and stole my Gmail, my YouTube and my former blog. I consider it lost now as the hours pass by. But I choose not to cry over spilled milk. And rather turn the coin. I see it as a opportunity to developed and start clean. However I do not blame the hackers for trying to steal my money, or other peoples money. They are acting out of pre-program and what they have been thought. No one is really to blame it just happens and it happened to me.

If anyone needs to look at what I have been writing in blogs earlier, please visit:

http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=2567

I will be creating vloggs and blogs from scratch, here on.

When I think of it… it is that way I have been through psychiatry to, I have lost lots of valuable time there. 10 years in vain sort to speak. Lets be clear; I do not want to carry blame towards the psychiatric system. They simply do as they are thought within their own pre-programmed reality, and I cannot blame them.

Many people within psychiatry see only the abuse and the negativity within them and the system. They see only that they are being drugged and they are left feeling abused by the system by the system and doctors, and failing to see the opportunities and responsibility. And only staring at how they are being treated by the system by the government by teachers by parents, by school, or friends, or job relations and so on.

This is a chance that I am being given to prove that I can do better. And I will do that.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought “Shit I have been hacked” and for separating myself from it taking away my responsibility to the thought and to the ideas or the fears that are hidden within the dust of the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the fear that I have in telling people that I have been hacked and that I have been fooled by people and for letting them hack me, where I see that nothing is coincidental and I need to see how I can improve my situation and not bury in blame and guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to improve or do better and reach for something higher, when it is all a game of changing into more perfection and to become more honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the hidden idea with this though where I could imagine how I could improve myself and give myself new cool awareness and experiences where I would go into inferiority and superiority over imagining that I would like to have this new enlightenment shine over me like I was a superstar or famous person shining like a Jesus figure on others.

Self correction to be lived

When and as I see myself in a situation like this where something is taken or removed from me. I stop and I breathe. I realize that the hackers only removed and deleted information. I realize that this only opens up other opportunities for me. I realize that I when I turn the coin on myself if this happens to me again, I hereby remind myself not to start crying or going depressed but rescue as much as I can and to remind myself to save a copy and to save a file of data and to save a copy of everything that I would like to secure.

I commit myself to let thoughts be and to work on my physical until thoughts disappear totally.

And I commit myself to be here within myself physically until I need thoughts no more. I commit myself to turn the negative to something that is neutral and leave the experience as something that is simply that, neutral and to duble check myself is everything cleared and forgiven and to secure myself with supporting my physical and to eventually move on with my life. And to investigate new ground within myself .

Investigate: http://desteni.org/

Check out a free writing course : http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Lets delete poverty: http://livingincome.me/

Thank you.

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