Day 866 – time within

It happened in those days, that Folken – the student pub – where selling beers for discount, that I found an old school friend on the stairs there. I was 21 years old and the paradigm shift with increasing volume came over us all. I was rootless and very restless. From 1999 onwards towards an increasingly impulsing individually explained reality, me and my schizophrenia came into ever stronger flowering. I quickly became friends with a lot of people and there was a lot of partying. Deep blow of Motorpsycho at Kampen. Long nights on Løkkeveien, and yearning inspiration at Bruket in Hillevåg. Walking alone in the night and getting lost at Storhaug. Endless lots of beer, and a lot of flirting. Became acquainted with many in a short time. Did sorry things to many people. With drugs and escapism, there are always some who are suffering it turns out. The dance became a creative solution and rescue. I danced. I did not have time to sit on the party - I wanted to go out and dance and cause a scene. The spirit of the times still left blankets at my feet. Numusic, Recept, and Tou Scene, but with more and more traces of Schizophrenia. At Fontenehuset on Eiganes with painting as an activity and a growing aversion to chemical medicine. Later in Bjergsted on with more to paint. Some turning points triggered me, where the shift not only left blankets and palm leaves in front of me, but now youtube that tells me that we humans are locked in as pure slaves in our individual minds. What does Schizophrenia really mean and where does it come from? If you are wondering and have time I can tell you later. It all escalated further after Jan Arne, my foster brother, died. I was left in a snowstorm on Karlsøya, Troms, one winter in 2007/2008. Fyresdalen bathed in sun and flames in 2009 - it was magical and it really ignited a spark in me. I saw that there is more to life. That there are opportunities for a better world. Then it moved on more to a climax. North Trøndelag, Trondheim, Bergen, Møre, and still in more trouble. Harder, faster and tougher. I wanted to escape further, until I was on my way to South America in November 2011 - but it was landing with my last crazed tour in Denmark, Germany and the Netherlands, that winter. The fact that I am alive after that last trip I'm simply eternally grateful for. I threatened to be admitted to a mental hospital in Kiel, I slept in a frail tent during the Occypy Amsterdam movement, and in a bunk bed at the hostel with refugees in Copenhagen. Thankful first and foremost to my parents for not giving up on me. The spirit of the times has been here with its shattering of character for a very long time, more noticeably since 1998. The year before I found Folken & the beer.
There is a lot of melancholy in what I write. I think back with humble hands. Many different beautiful people I would like to talk to about the days when we drank ourselves silly while heaven as a dimension was completely emptied and closed completely down all vibrations and devices. Our task? To create a real heaven here on earth. As any self-respecting prophet has said. auuuh…. I would like to give you who can read this a good hug - so I give myself that hug and then you get to do the same with you. No one is coming to save us. We have to do that job ourselves. I can still show the way. From everything I have experienced and seen, self forgiveness is the most humiliating and strongest form of therapy that exists. And humility is rising in value. Many have we lost on the journey, but we can’t give up - I rather find that I "give up" - the concept - of giving up. It has worked well so far for me. Thank you for reading my thoughts. I hope to put out some seeds of awareness. We have this life and the opportunity to be here. Let us search within the self - forgive, heal, rise, and create the outside accordingly. Life is the only thing that has real value. It is the same for everyone. It can be very nice here. If we seek inwardly in the self - in our inner garden - our inner ecosystem - and do not give up… that dream.
About being stuck in your own garden & dream. We all have bigger or smaller bites - it all depends on the viewer - a bigger or smaller bit of utopia, a dream world. How we know we can be, where we know we can create a better world. Where we know it is possible to change. We know today that forgiveness of the self has an incredible redemptive power. And that honesty can be an incredibly nice path towards love. One day - dear friends, we can be together without having to measure each other, without having to compete and think polarizing thoughts about ourselves or others. That day was shattered into a thousand thousand thousand pieces a long time ago. The piece we find - is our golden garden - our belonging, our dream world, our better self. When we search for ourselves in our memories, origins and presence, when we piece our self back together, we reflect in others, we constantly find bites and elements that we recognize in one way or another. Pieces of ourselves that were lost to us, pieces of our universal belonging that we carried as little children, but which in thoughts, judgement, ignorance, competition and polarization of the conscious mind - lost or forgotten, repressed as stupid, bad or sinful. It is when we later find these "grains of gold" these elements of our belonging and concept as ourselves, that is how we find meaning - we can again look at our lives in innocence and with admiration and grace. Because we dare to take the step out to talk to the self, to forgive the self and make the self more acceptable and make the self more understandable and adaptable. When we find elements, pieces and fragments of our past, and put them together, forgive our polarizing and assumed attitude in relation to these pieces, to which every one of the lost pieces (!) has a belonging, then it is what we master we unite and we find meaning with our life. When the honest expression we learned as children where judged as stupid and sorry or ugly and crooked and wrong, when today we bring out these wounds, these traumas and forgive our oppression of these childish expressions these memories, that is to live. It is finding meaning in own garden of self. To breathe freely. We all carry trauma in one sense or another. It is when we do shadow work and bring out these stories from oblivion and forgive ourselves, that we can truly view our lives in truth and in confidence. We have a way to go, utopia is still on the way. It's us and it is now. It is not the intention of anyone to fight, starve, beg or compete. Because competition is a form of warfare. When we are stuck in our own garden, we have forgotten to seek and work with the self - to learn new words and redefine our words and our lives. There is much left to find and discover. I would say we are well on our way. Self realization and self mastery are essential for mankind. We are all going through a process and an awakening today. Be aware and be humble. People around you are all undergoing some form of healing for something they are not talking about. A bit from the trauma of oblivion, a mirror image to forgive. Muscles that contract in fear. We can no longer live in fear. We must forgive it too - and become free - in oneness and in equality. In the process of a heaven on earth, a utopia, as we all deep down wish for. A great place for everyone. It starts with me and it starts with you. Search inward in your intimacy. Let's change the collective system - the money system, because then masks will fall and a lot of fear and anxiety will disappear from our lives. A money system where we all get the same amount - equal value in system form. Then we must work with the self and find ourselves and all people - like ourselves – equal and one.

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