Day 863 – self forgiveness process of life

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around myself like on eggshells, fearing to make mistakes and fearing to screw up – giving into this personality of clamming to be neutral in life, where I fear to commit and I feel like backing out and not being seen or heard,  sinking into me with no direction or plan – just wanting to vaporate as a being, within this I realize and see within me that making mistakes and doing “wrong” is part of life – that is how we learn to do stuff – right – and further I commit myself to simply do – to act to be and to live – and to not fear the mistake – but take it as a part of a learning curve. Also further than that – when I make a mistake – I commit to embrace myself and what goes down – completely – I commit myself to LOVE myself and the mistakes I do – fully and completely, again as a part of learning.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself for the dominance of my inherent schizophrenia structure – personality platform – within my mind and now within my body – that is the core of schizophrenia to me – a sort of stage or platform for 2 or 3 personalities to fight/balance each other out – and to conquer each other seemingly eternally in a fight for dominance over me, instead of realizing that even If there is such a sick game in my mind, I know and have proven that I can still take charge of the physical  & being of me, to direct myself and move according to what I can assess in the moment is best for all – and not go into the seemingly endless schizophrenic depression and sorrow – that I recognize within most people living with this illness.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and in doubt and worry of my own being – where I fear to make mistakes, and I fear to screw up this math and recipe of mind system – leaving me then in a state of deep penetrating anxiety and I drain myself by giving into this anxiety that is a polarity and a program of my mind that is mining my physical to keep up the looping and polarity games in my mind, and this seeing and responsibility of know-about – that the mind box extracts physical resources from my physical body to keep running its systems of polarity and believes of mind – just like big cooperates exploit he natural earth for its recourses – and neither is sustainable – so I am ending my own inner exploiting and abuse of me as a natural physical being – giving life back to life.

 

I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated and in sorrow over being presented information about what some people are willing to do to hold on to assumed power, position and money, meaning what level of inner greed and corruption and deep down abuse that humanity is willing to accept as a part of their own mind – inner reality and THEREFOR also on the outer external reality and life that we face and live. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness my innocence that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated,  depressed and inferior in comparing to specific people that live under certain conditions, codes and certain laws – where I find in myself and I see in another that specific concept that even though there are people who are wiling and also that in structured manifest and family weapon etc – in all obviousness – present themselves as abusers to stay in power and money positions, that still tells me that : I am looking at the man in the mirror and THAT person is who I have to deal with – that my inner most sick demons that have been part of my thoughts and reality in this life –  are equally mine to forgive, alter and change as self.

 

Also within this I find that awareness and knowhow from the dimensions and where Mykey tells me through the portal:  That which I find unforgivable and impossible to accept as myself – where I keep judging myself is where my view and movement is skewed into a position of judging myself – because that – back then I could have made better choices and lived a better life,  but I did not, and the abuse that I lived, I then need to view today as a story – and what I can then do to alter my standing and within that my understanding of my own position and belonging to such story. And it is within that UNDERSTANDING of self as a partaker in a story – that I can go back into the memory/story and live it differently (!)  to free myself from the system placement and energy addiction with mind consciousness system of the memory by forgiving myself – AND change myself as the partaker in the story, and end the self judgement. Meaning I needed to go back to my stories that where haunting me and rewrite my experience of the stories. I needed to rewrite the story – this will not change the past – but I can change the story – and it will change who I will be in the present and so the future.

 

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